


How to Save A Life

by Saxon_Jesus



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Blood and Gore, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-08
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 16:46:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 181,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5878189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saxon_Jesus/pseuds/Saxon_Jesus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At age 21, Lavi finally convinces Bookman to let him study at Harvard. Though weighed down with a heavy courseload, he is secure in his resolve to be a Bookman, but his new roommate, an obviously traumatized Kanda Yuu, begins to change that.</p><p>Originally published in 2009 and completed in 2017.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**How to Save a Life**

**__**There is no single objective reality, only multiple realities based on individual experiences and perspectives.

_\--Karen A. Mingst_

Chapter 1—Hey There, Yuu

__August 27

Bookman hadn’t wanted him to go to college. It all led back to the fact that he would be away from the old man’s tutelage, learning less and, in the geezer’s words, “acting like a hooligan.” Lavi was studying to be a Bookman. But he also knew that he could benefit from some type of real schooling, and he’d eventually worn his Master down. Somehow.

Bookman hadn’t wanted him to go to college. Lavi had worn him in, on the condition he go Ivy League. And so he had. Harvard was a fine, picturesque place, full of history and, well, _history._ Which was why Bookman was letting him go at all.

It wasn’t that Lavi didn’t enjoy the prospect—there were some experiences that _everyone_ needed to have, and college life hadn’t been put into the logs yet—but despite his too-old age (he was twenty-one), he found himself _nervous._

The sweeping, overly green lawns ruffled about in the light breeze, and Lavi breathed in as he walked into his new dormitory. He took that moment to let himself fall completely into his new persona. Fun and frivolous. He’d have to remember that. Not that he would have trouble. He hadn’t had trouble in years, not since he’d had that slip at the airport when he was supposed to have been allergic to dogs and had gone up and spent nearly fifteen minutes fawning and petting over a seeing-eye dog. He still had the scars.

It wasn’t that Bookman was abusive—he was simply harsh on Lavi. He had every right to be. Lavi didn’t remember his past, but he _did_ remember Bookman taking him in off the streets and giving him food and clothes and water. He had been nursed back into some form of health—Bookman had told him once that he’d been sick. Lavi was lucky, really, that Bookman had decided to take him as an apprentice, give him a sense of _belonging_. It was good to belong; it was good to have someone to take care of him. Obviously, Bookman didn’t give a damn about him, but Lavi couldn’t bring himself to care.

He felt a cuff on his head. “Don’t slip,” came Bookman’s gravelly voice from several feet beneath him. Lavi smiled too-brightly down at his Master.

“Not slippin’, Panda,” he sing-songed as he let his uncovered eye sweep around the entryway and the main lobby. There were several people behind two head-to-head tables and a long queue of young’uns and their parents waiting for the harried-looking workers to tell them where to go. Almost reluctantly, Lavi stepped in line, schooling his features into a bright look despite his inner turmoil.

“Do your logs every night,” Bookman muttered as they stepped forward. Lavi rolled his eye and smacked his Master on the head.

“Don’tcha worry, Bookman, I’ll be fine. You said you’d come once a week to pick ‘em up and give me new notebooks. I’ll do all the readin’, too, so stop actin’ like I’m gonna slack off. I _want_ to become a Bookman. You know I can be serious while not being serious.”

Bookman punched him hard in the shoulder, probably to repay him for the strike on the head. Lavi laughed and ruffled his Master’s stiff hair. As usual, his hand came away sticky with the sheer amount of gel the old man used. Trying not to look disgusted, Lavi wiped it on Bookman’s shoulder. This persona was already loads of fun. Bookman shot him a dirty look, but they stepped forward in line without another comment. Lavi's smile grew brighter. He was already getting away with more than the Old Geezer would have tolerated normally.

A large, frizzy-haired man walked by, half bawling and making pitiful little noises as tears ran down his face from behind his thick glasses. He drew a number of looks, and Lavi immediately memorized the man’s features, just in case Bookman wanted him to repeat it later. He would need to know it anyway, just like the faces of all the other parents here. But he’d already committed those people to his excellent memory.

They stepped up to the front of the line, and Lavi looked over at the busy worker.

“Name?” The young girl, probably somewhere around his age, asked.

“Lavi Davidson.” He really didn’t like the last name Bookman had tacked on to him. It sounded… wrong, somehow. He hadn’t had a last name for as long as he could remember. Which started at age six.

“Ah, you’re room 117,” the girl said, her tone a bit too nasally for Lavi’s liking. Not that he had a liking.

“Thanks,” Lavi said cheerily, grabbing the key and court-marshaling Bookman down the hall with him. He’d memorized the building’s floor plan weeks ago, and he knew exactly where to go. It was on the left side of the building.

The door was closed, but Lavi slammed it open, enough for it to rebound and nearly hit him. Reaching his hand out to stop the door’s movement, Lavi stepped in, grinning at his new roommate.

A boy, naturally, though his age was debatable. He looked too old for eighteen or nineteen, but he couldn’t have been much older than twenty-one or –two. He had long, black hair that was currently fanning out over his bed, some strands trickling down over the edges and hanging toward the ground. His skin had the soft, golden color of people of Asian descent, and though Lavi couldn’t see his eyes—the boy’s arm was over his face—he was sure they’d be a dark brown or black. The boy was no slouch, obviously, judging by the large calluses on his palms and fingers and the sheathed sword on the bed next to him. Defined curves and lines of muscle could be discerned from places where the boy’s clothes were hanging just slightly too tight due to his posture. He obviously worked out. Vaguely, Lavi supposed the boy could be visually stimulating.

His side of the room was immaculate; as if the boy was a neat freak—Lavi could work with that, though he didn’t really care either way—and it was nearly empty. On the shelves above the boy’s head, there were a few books, some of them looking like texts, and several ringed notebooks. An alarm clock emitted red numbers—2:16. It was one minute off—above the boy’s head. On the topmost shelf sat an hourglass with a delicate-looking flower in it. A lotus, Lavi noted. The boy’s mother had probably brought it to make the dorm smell better.

Lavi’s eye swept over to his side of the room. It was equally empty, though he would soon unpack all his shit. The boxes that he’d sent a week earlier as part of a new move-in program were already sitting in the corner by his desk. He recognized them all at once. The five large boxes closest to him held all his books, the one behind them held his clothes and sheets, and the other two had miscellaneous junk that he supposed he should probably bring.

Turning back to his Master, Lavi gave a half-assed salute. The old man shot a quick glance at his apprentice’s new roommate.

“Don’t fail.” He said his tone gravelly as always. With that, he turned and left, his ridiculous hair bobbing slightly with each step. Lavi was slightly curious about the cursory glance Bookman had given the long-haired boy, but decided to shrug it off as just the old man checking the silent boy’s location.

Lavi felt it was a good time to introduce himself to his new roomie. Plastering on a too-big smile, Lavi approached and unceremoniously hugged the smaller boy.

“Hiya, Roomie!” Lavi exclaimed as he collided with the boy.

The silent boy froze, and almost as fast as Lavi had pounced, he was on the floor, clutching his stomach, and looking up into the point of a very sharp, very deadly blade. The black-haired boy was standing above him with a scowl that even managed to send shivers down Lavi’s spine. Lavi moved his hands from his stomach into the universal sign of surrender, and the blade was withdrawn.

Lavi stood up and dusted himself off, the boy had returned to his reclined position, arm over his eyes once again.

“Well, I was jus’ tryin’ to say ‘hi’. You don’t hav’ta be such an asshole about it. Anyway, my name’s Lavi. Can you tell me yours since we _are_ going to be living together,” Lavi asked, trying to sound annoyed even though he really didn’t give a shit.

“Kanda,” came the muffled, quiet response.

“That sounds like a surname, give me your real name, goddammit.” It was essential that Lavi find out his roommate's name, and ‘fun and frivolous’ didn’t necessarily mean ‘fun and polite.’ And if this ‘Kanda’ person didn’t want to tell him, he’d get ‘fun and annoying-as-hell’ instead.

There was a sigh and then, “Yuu.” Lavi took the inflection to mean that the boy was referring to his first name. So, how could he annoy his already rude roommate? Well, the boy was almost blatantly Japanese, sooo….

“Nice ta meetcha, Yuu-chan!” Lavi said loudly, and giggled as the boy flinched, but then Lavi was taking a step back as he was faced once again with the frightening glare from just a moment ago.

“Don’t. Call me. That,” the boy hissed, and if Lavi had been anyone else, or in any other persona, he would have apologized and backed down immediately, but that was not who ‘Lavi’ was.

“No can do, Yuu-chan!” Lavi grinned at the angry Japanese boy.

The boy just stared at him, and Lavi took the lack of immediate violence as a sign that there would be none impending and turned to his stack of boxes. He heard shuffling and blankets being moved, and when he turned to look, his new roommate was walking from the room, clutching something in his hand, but it was obscured by the boy’s leg and Lavi could not see what it was. He cursed his lack of response time and at his failure to choose a proper angle in which he could see any corner of the room at a moment’s notice. He made a mental note never to do it again.

A rattling noise came from somewhere in the room. Lavi immediately pinpointed the sound to be originating from the hourglass on Kanda’s—because first names were for personas—topmost shelf. The shaking ceased a few moments after it had begun, with no obvious damage to the hourglass. Earthquake perhaps? But that was impossible, Lavi had not felt the ground under his feet shake. He would ponder this later. After he unpacked all his shit.

Half an hour later, Kanda returned. Lavi pretended to ignore the boy’s presence and finished stacking all of his books onto the shelves above his bed. The wooden boards creaked under the weight of the heavy tomes, and Lavi grimaced as one began to bend in a very unsafe way. The board didn’t seem to want to break, though, so Lavi continued unpacking. He pushed a very heavy box under his bed; it was the box that he kept his log books in. He turned to Kanda, who had produced an artist’s pad from somewhere--much to Lavi’s displeasure, he hadn’t seen--and had been sketching in it since his return, the redhead said simply, sporting his too-wide smile, “Touch my stuff, and I’ll kill you, _ne_?”

The Japanese boy just looked up at him from his sketch for a moment and then returned his gaze to its previous focus, not even offering a noise to tell Lavi he understood. For some reason, it was infuriating, and before Lavi could stop himself, he’d crossed the room and had his hands in front of either of Kanda’s crossed legs. Staring deeply into the other boy’s eyes, the words came out before he could stop them. “I’m serious, Kanda.”

Immediately recognizing his slip, Lavi pushed himself from the other boy’s bed and went back to his boxes. All he had left was the picture of the atomic bomb going off in Hiroshima, the miscellaneous dates and article clippings for his corkboard, a picture of a sixteen-year-old Jack—that was four records before Lavi—and Bookman, and an ornate sketch he’d done. The Sanskrit character for ‘objective’ stood out as he sticky-tacked it to the wall, and Lavi let everything flow out of him, all personas, all worries, all cares. But just for a moment. One true, pure moment of objectivity. And then actions and knowledge were back, and Lavi was pinning up his picture of Hiroshima.

There was an interested grunt from the other side of the room. Lavi turned to stare at his roommate. He hadn’t been quite annoying enough yet. “That’s a pretty flower, Yuu-chan!” Lavi exclaimed, returning to Kanda’s side of the room. It wasn’t that pretty, actually, more… menacing. It had a threatening, eerie air that hovered about it like a rain cloud in Saturday morning cartoons. But for the sake of annoyance, Lavi could pretend. He reached up to touch the ominous flower, but Kanda was already removing it from the shelf, placing it in a desk drawer. Turning to face Lavi, his expression a complete mask of rage, Kanda said very simply and slowly, as if he didn’t want Lavi to miss a single syllable, “Touch _anything_ and I _will_ kill you.”

“I see we’ve come to an agreement!” Lavi said cheerfully. The Japanese boy raised his arm as if to shake hands and then as Lavi was reaching for it, punched him square in the jaw. Lavi reeled back, slightly dazed, and tripped over something on the floor, landing heavily. Cracking his jaw a moment later, he stood up.

“Yuu-chan, that was mean!” Lavi pouted, and walking over to the mini-fridge he asked, “Do you have any ice in here?” Opening the door the answer was evident, and grabbing the nearest tray of ice, Lavi moved to his bed. Looking at the clock, it was now nine hours post meridian, he decided it was time to do his logs. Reaching into his box, he retrieved the topmost notebook. Lavi always enjoyed starting a new notebook; there was something... _clean_ about it. The fresh, crisp papery scent wafted up to his nose, and he breathed in deeply. As he went to put his first marring stroke on the paper, there was a knock on the door.

“Yeah?” Lavi called out, annoyed but not letting it show in his voice.

“Er, it’s the RA—there’s a corridor meeting now,” a deep bass voice called, slightly muffled from the thick door.

By the time they returned from the meeting, Lavi was ninety-nine point nine percent sure that Kanda hated his persona with a flaming passion. Perhaps it was because the entire floor was now calling him “Yuu-chan,” but the boy had yet to return. He’d grabbed something—Lavi had again failed to see what—from under his blanket and had gone to the bathroom.

Lavi had started his logs directly after the meeting at around 9:30. It was past midnight. The door opened, and the Japanese boy walked in, blood soaking the sleeves of his shirt, his pants, and the tips of his long hair. The smell was nearly overpowering. The scent was different than Lavi’s own, and he guessed that it was AB, though he couldn’t decide if it was negative or positive. Not that it mattered, but it was still good to know. Deep down inside himself, he felt something stir, something akin to disgust, though he didn’t know what it was aimed toward. Lavi drowned the feeling out with a quick glance at his sketch on the wall at the head of his bed. Sanskrit. Objective. Always.

Bookmen didn’t feel.

The smell of peroxide filled the room, overpowering the coppery blood, and a second later, ethyl alcohol joined it in a sharp, clean scent that Lavi couldn’t help but enjoy. It made his head a little dizzy, but he just stared harder at his notebook and continued to write. After a while, Lavi noted the soft, distinct noise of pencil scratching over paper. Kanda was drawing again.

It was nearly three when he finished his logs, and as he lay down to sleep, he noted the sketching sound was still there, as constant as it had been when the boy at the other end of the room had begun. Lavi fell into dreams, trying not to scream out as he found himself back in Africa…

\---

Whimpering. Yuu fell immediately from his creative concentration, his calm that he had developed to push away all other thoughts and put the images in his head on paper, the moment sound pervaded the room. Why was there whimpering? He was awake, wasn’t he? Why was the sound coming from his stupid fucktard of a roommate? And most importantly, why did he care, anyway? It vaguely surprised him that Bookmen could feel at all, let alone _fear_. He already hated the redhead across the room. The stupid, pretend idiot had hugged him. Yuu didn’t do hugging, or touching… or contact.

Contact hurt. Yuu had a feeling the idiot had done it on purpose, had deduced that touching Yuu would annoy him the most, and had done it, probably to create distance between them. It prevented all possible bonds from forming. Not that Yuu wanted to bond with the Bookman. Bonds were easily broken. It was better to have none at all.

God, the whimpering was annoying, though. It almost hurt to listen to. Almost. Almost, because if it hurt to listen to, that meant he was caring, and he didn't care, so it couldn't hurt. The redhead began moaning. Abruptly, Yuu couldn't stand the noise anymore; he needed quiet. Noise was bad, reminded him of things that happened in the dark, things that he didn't need to remember. He needed to get out. Throwing his covers back, Yuu left the room, not even bothering to grab his knife.

It was cold and dark outside, but everything was cold and dark, so Yuu was used to it. The roof was empty, as was to be expected at four in the morning. Ignoring the faces he saw in the dark, Yuu sat and let his head hang down to his chest. Sometimes it was all just too much. Tiedoll with his hugs, Daisya with his ridiculous antics, even Lenalee with her sweet, unpressuring friendship... all pleasantness canceled itself out when he couldn't trust anything.

Tiedoll had forced him to get a roommate, something about how it would be good for him. But it wasn't. It couldn't be, because how was Yuu supposed to sleep when he couldn't trust the other boy not to come up and start touching him as the chains holding him to the wall rattled and rattled and rattled.

The faces in the trees kept watching him, shifting in the breeze, like the phantoms they were. They taunted him—he could never touch them, but they still found a way, after all these years, to touch him. It was like before, only now, there was light and noise, which was good, because the dark and quiet was when the nightmare people came. They weren't always clear, and sometimes he could only hear voices, but that was worse. He wanted to know the faces. At least then he wouldn't be so afraid of sound. He wanted his knife. Pain meant he was alive, could keep the voices and the faces at bay. Pain was hot and burning, alive, not cold, unmoving, dead.

He felt the invisible chains hold his arms and legs down, and he collapsed against the stone wall, letting the breeze whip his face as he had so many times on Tiedoll's roof. He wanted his knife. He _needed_ his knife. He had to feel something, because he was starting to feel colder, frostbitten from the ice in his heart.

The faces loomed in front of him as he dug nails into flesh, breaking it. Blood seeped out, clearing his senses just as it muddled those of others. Yes, there was the pain. It felt so good he felt like laughing out, smiling even. But he couldn't, because all of a sudden, he was much colder, and he needed pain. He needed more pain. He wanted to hit something, break something, but the chains held him in place until the sun began to peer over the horizon, tantalizing him with the warmth that would never reach him. There were lotuses everywhere. Tickling him with their icy petals, stealing the warmth he so desperately wanted, robbing it from his very bones.

As the light hit him, the chains melted away as if they had been crafted from blocks of ice and the sun was now returning them to their liquid state. He sat up, stood on shaky limbs, and walked back to the room, knowing the Bookman would see his bloody fingers and gory nails and not giving a damn.

In the room, Lavi was still asleep, still whimpering, though the second the door closed, the boy opened his one eye—the other was still covered in that strange eye patch—and looked up, seeming grateful that he had finally awoken. Yuu ignored him and waited as the boy dressed himself and left. Finally, _finally,_ he sunk into his mattress and fell into a scarred, light sleep that was not restful in the least.

\---

_August 31_

Lavi could say with confidence that carrying a fifty-nine credit hour load in one semester was fairly simple, despite what others thought. It was slightly annoying to have to run to some of his classes, as they were quite far apart, but he rather thought he was doing well so far. His alarm had gone off at precisely seven in the morning, and Lavi had immediately roused himself, ready to begin the day. He was used to earlier mornings under Bookman, despite his dislike of waking early. The first thing he noticed was Kanda still scribbling away at his sketch pad, just as he had the previous night. Vaguely, Lavi wondered if the strange boy had gone to sleep at all, but the thought was quickly passed over for more important, objective thoughts. Like how the springs of Lavi's bed squeaked under his weight, how there was a divot in the linoleum next to his closet that reminded Lavi of a deformed Cocker Spaniel, or how there was banging coming from the room above them, with the distinct sounds of moaning seeping through the ceiling. The banging was immediately followed by the rapid, metronomic squeaking of bed springs.

Looking back at Kanda, Lavi saw the boy had frozen up and was shivering slightly. With wide, terrified eyes, the Japanese boy set down his sketch pad and reached under his blanket, producing a worn-looking, silver utility knife. A second later, he pulled out a large bottle of hydrogen peroxide and a bag of cotton balls. Quickly, the boy left the room, probably headed toward the bathroom.

Lavi left soon after, heading toward his first class, which, unfortunately, was all the way across campus. Most of his classes were. He arrived nearly twenty minutes early, having not eaten breakfast--a choice he later regretted in his objective-Bookman way. The classroom was dark and empty, and it had the unfortunate coincidence of being locked. Sighing, Lavi reached down into his messenger bag and produced a hairpin. Thrusting it into the lock, he jimmied it back and forth until he heard a click. Entering the room, he sat, wondering what to do next. He decided to take in the view but was bored a moment later. Sighing once more, he decided to wait until the professor arrived.

His classes were boring. Half of them hadn't even begun lecturing, as the professors apparently enjoyed reading slowly through the syllabi and "getting to know" their students. The rest started on topics Lavi already knew with the intimate, forbidden knowledge of a Bookman. Perhaps he shouldn't have taken such easy courses. Returning to the room hours later, Lavi hit his bed with the exhaustion of a million men. After a moment that he used to catch his breath, he sat up and reached over to his overlarge pile of textbooks. His goal was to finish them all before the night was out. But first...

"Howdy, Yuu-chan!" He exclaimed, getting up from his bed to throw his arms around his favorite new toy. The toy in question stiffened, and Lavi grinned. Annoying Kanda seemed to be very, very easy.

A second later, however, he was on the ground, his superior weight and height used against him as he was flipped over the Japanese boy's bed. Lavi tried to get up, but there was a very sharp point poking dangerously into the flesh of his throat. Judging from his lessons on anatomy, Lavi decided the blade would cut through his carotid. Should the sword make its threatened slice, Lavi would be dead in minutes. Lavi couldn't die. Dying was bad, and he needed to think of a way out of this, because the Japanese boy standing above him looked intent on carrying out his silent threat.

"Hey, Yuu-chan, whatcha doin' with your sword? You won't kill me. You'd haveta clean it up! And I know deep down inside yourself, you love me. Now, let's stop this joking and let me up!" Lavi pleaded, lifting his hands up in a gesture of surrender. The Japanese boy drew the sword away by the tiniest hair and glared down at Lavi.

"Stop. Touching. Me. And no, I don't _love_ you. I hate your stupid, fake personality. Leave. Me. Alone. Or next time, I will have to clean up," the Japanese boy hissed, moving his sword farther from Lavi's neck. The redhead breathed in a small, almost imperceptible breath and stood on shaking limbs. He shouldn't have been shaking, but he was, and he needed to stay in persona. Shaking, quivering like a little boy when he was supposed to be fun and frivolous... Well, it didn't quite work. Lavi attempted another smile, and he found it easier this time. 'Lavi' was still there. He backed up from Kanda a little bit, but he didn't move away completely.

"I ain't fake, Yuu-chan--"

"Don't call me that!" The boy shouted, raising his voice to something akin to a bark.

"Why not, Yuu-chan? We're best buddies now 'cause we're--"

"We are _not_ 'best... buddies.' I have no friends, and I certainly don't want to start with you. Get the fuck back to your side of the room, and stay there, you miserable-- _animal!_ " The boy spat the last word with an animosity that surprised Lavi. For once, neither his Bookman self nor his persona knew what to say.

"Well, we've got that roomie thing we gotta do, so if you'll bear with me for a minute, we can--" This time, it was Lavi who cut himself off. Kanda's sword was again at his throat, this time aiming at his jugular. Vaguely, Lavi supposed that was an improvement. But the thought was gone in an instant.

"You can fill it out with whatever shit you want to put. I don't want to hear your fucking voice tonight, or I may kill you in your sleep," Kanda growled, jabbing his sword forward enough to draw the tiniest pearl of blood from Lavi's neck. The redhead gasped and stepped backward again, retreating to his bed, grabbing the roommate contract the two of them were supposed to fill out. Picking up his favorite pen--the one he used to write logs--Lavi began to fill it out. Occasionally, he tried to ask the Japanese boy questions, but the irritated grunts from the other side of the room made him turn back and scrawl down the first thing that came to mind. Thus began Kanda, male, straight, Shinto. A boy who enjoyed drawing and swords, a boy who enjoyed drawing swords. And, apparently, flowers. And threatening his roommate--the last bit went unwritten, though. Lavi put down similar answers for himself, substituting his interests with things any other teenage boy might enjoy. Fun and frivolous would probably like video games, so he put it in the "record." When he'd finished, he walked over to the RA's room and dropped it under the door. Returning to the room, he began his next assault on his roommate.

But his roommate was gone.

"Yuu-chan?" Lavi called, looking down the hallway. The dim but sharp smell of blood wafted down the hallway, and Lavi grimaced. Rolling his eye, he walked back into the room, sitting on his bed and beginning his logs for the day. The Lotus above Kanda's bed began to tremble. Shaking his head, the apprentice Bookman added the observation to the end of his logs before turning in for the night.

\---

_September 3_

There was a knock at the door. Warily, Yuu stood up, it had barely been a week, and the old man was bothering him. Tiedoll would probably greet him as usual, with his annoyingly weepy eyes, and a large, too-tight hug that made Yuu shrink away. But it was not Tiedoll that stood outside his door. It was the short, old man with strange hair that was his annoying roommate's guardian. He stepped back, allowing the minuscule geezer to step inside. The man's eyes swept the room, much like Yuu had seen Lavi's do. The gaze flickered back to his Lotus, which he had replaced on the shelf, but a fraction of a second later, it was focused solely on Lavi, who was on his bed, being annoying. Currently, he was twittering about some stupid-ass bullshit he'd learned in his Russian Literature class.

"Lavi," the old man intoned, speaking in a gravelly voice that sent shivers up Yuu's spine. It reminded him of how desperately _cold_ it was in the room. Freezing, like a block of ice underneath his very skin.

The old man's apprentice snapped to attention, his perpetual smile still in place though his eyes showed something Yuu could recognize as fear. The response intrigued him, despite his attempts not to care about his roommate.

"Yeah, Panda?" Lavi asked, his brief emotion turning itself off as he spoke. Yuu found himself disgusted by the fakeness, and it made him all the colder. He wanted to be warm, but with the ratty-haired man over there, he couldn't reach for his knife and steal away from the room. The Panda would notice, and for some reason, that scared Yuu.

"Your logs are coming nicely, I assume?" The Bookman questioned. Yuu shivered. There was even less emotion in that voice than there was in Lavi's, even at its most fake. Lavi nodded, still smiling down at the tiny man. Yuu watched him gesture to the box eloquently labeled _Bookman Shit_. The tiny old man opened it up and pulled out the notebook that Yuu often saw Lavi scrawling in. The man's face turned contemplative before schooling itself again.

"Very detailed--though you've missed a bit in your description of the room. You haven't slipped, I assume?" The Bookman's eyes flitted back over to Yuu.

"Not at all, Bookman!" Lavi insisted, though Yuu repressed a snort. Lavi was very interesting, albeit annoying, to live with. The boy was constantly shifting from real to fake, and each time the Japanese boy woke Lavi up when he was moaning, he'd give Yuu a grateful look that could not be feigned. He'd gotten far faker in the past few days, though, and Yuu thought it might have had something to do with the length of time he spent acting annoying and retarded. Yuu's hand twitched toward his blanket, underneath which his knife lay, but he stopped himself before he actually made to grab for it. He knew Lavi knew about his... escapades, but he couldn't bring himself to give a damn.

"You're lying to me, Lavi," Bookman stated. Yuu flinched. Lavi had been completely convincing.

"Of course I'm no--"

"How many times?" The old man's raspy voice was stern and hard as titanium steel.

"I--not more than once or twice. This--well, nothing major, just little things. I don't think anyone's noticed," Lavi defended himself, still talking with his annoying, cheerful tone, even though his green eye was starting to panic. Yuu almost felt a little bad for him, but then he remembered that Lavi had hugged him. Fourteen times.

The slap to Lavi's forehead resounded throughout the small room, reminding Yuu of the reverberating sound of flesh meeting flesh in a deadly dance of pain, and suddenly, he needed to leave. Screw Bookman, screw Lavi. Quickly, he retrieved his knife and ran out the door, not even bothering to grab his bottle of peroxide. He heard Bookman berating his apprentice as he ran down the hall to the bathroom, but he didn't--couldn't--stop. He just sprinted wildly into the tiled room and plowed into the first stall. Locking the door, he sat on the toilet seat and rolled up his sleeve. He needed to get rid of the sounds that were still echoing in his mind, needed to drown out the cries and screams and pleas that he remembered. They needed to be gone. One slice and they muted. A second and they dulled further. A third and they were gone. But there were other things. Blood. He remembered that. It needed to be gone, but there also needed to be more, so he cut again and again and again, not caring that his arm was taking longer to heal as he cut deeper, deeper, deeper. Heat, sweet heat, made him feel _alive_. Made him feel like the cold could disappear from his bones. Blood, pain, heat, they all meant the same thing--life and sensation, like he wasn't just a statue, like he was human and could feel--even though as the pain died away, the cold returned, even stronger than it was before.

But still he cut, because then there would be more pain, and then he could feel warm again. Blood splattered the floor, all over the bright white tiles, all over the small squares of toilet paper that had fallen, all over that tiny little pee stain that had been there for nearly three days. His blood flowed, and he cut, going deeper through muscles and tendons, until he felt the blade exit through the other side of his arm. He had missed bone. Bone hurt more. Bone made warmth. He backtracked and started scraping at a new angle, running parallel to his arm so he could let more blood fall and smear the tiles. He knew he was smiling, knew he was probably laughing, but it all felt so _good_ that he didn't care. Tears and screams and horrors were gone, chains holding him and making him cold were gone. He was alone, and it was quiet. He was alone, and it was warm.

The door opened, and familiar steps entered. He heard a small gagging sound, but still Yuu wanted pain. He looked up as the lock to his stall door slid to the unlocked position and the door swung slowly inward. Green. He saw green. And then there was red. Not the red of the blood--no, nothing like that. It was orange, almost, like a carrot. But not quite. There was some kind of fiery color there, too, one Yuu could not discern but suddenly _needed_ to know. Orange and red were both warm colors. They made the cold--the blue and the black and the pink--recede until it was nothing. Then he saw an eye, followed by an eye patch. Lavi.

"He's gone, you can come back to the room," Lavi said, his voice emotionless as his eye did that horrible Bookman-sweeping thing. It paused on the growing pool of blood on the floor. "You may wanna clean that up."

He walked out, and Yuu noticed a slight limp. If he looked closely, he could see blood in the back of the fiery carrot the annoying twit called hair. The back of Lavi's neck had strange pockmarks, but Yuu ignored him, instead grabbing at the roll of toilet paper and covering his deep, already healing wounds.

That night, Lavi slept worse than usual. His whimpers and moans were louder, loud enough to put Yuu on edge again. He'd gotten used to Lavi's noises, but these--these were different than before. Just like on the first night, they reminded him of how bad the sounds were, how chained and cold everything was.

And then the screaming began. It was little things at first, wordless things, but they reminded Yuu so much of what he was trying to forget that he closed his sketchbook and went to turn on the light. He broke his silent, unthought vow not to cross the room to shake Lavi awake. Whimpers, groans, squeaks, screams, they were tearing at his skull, pulling at him like panic did.

"NO!" Lavi's voice was horrified, and for a second, Yuu thought the other boy was awake, but when he looked over, he saw that Lavi's eye was clasped shut and his movements were still the thrashings of nightmares. "NO, NOT--BOOKMAN, NO! I HAVEN'T SLIPPED! PLEASE, _PLEASE_ , ANYTHING BUT THE NEEDLES! THEY HURT, BOOKMAN, HURT, HURT, HURT!!! DON'T--AAAH!"

On it went. Needles, spiders, ants, back to needles, fires, needles again, another bout of spiders, waterfalls--Yuu didn't know how that one connected--needles once more. Lavi's pleas grew increasingly hysterical and so loud that Yuu no longer feared them. He tried to shake the boy awake, but the redhead shrunk from the contact and screamed ever louder. A knock came at the door, quiet at first, just like Lavi's screams. But it came again, and Yuu couldn't ignore it, so he walked over, wearily answering the bleary-eyed RA.

"What the fuck is goin' on in here?" The man asked, blinking rapidly as his eyes watered, probably from the bright lights. The hallway was still dark.

" _Che._ " There was really nothing else to describe it.

"The neighbors complained, thought you were killin' him or somethin'. Can you shut 'im up?"

Yuu shook his head gravely. "I've tried," he grunted, already annoyed at the man's presence.

"Well, make him shut up or... I'll think of something later, just make him shut the fuck up. We can hear him all the way down the hall."

Yuu nodded and closed the door in the RA's face. Walking back over to Lavi, he did the first thing that came to mind. After all, he'd slapped the boy before. Lavi could take another blow.

Apparently, he couldn't. With a final, ear-splitting yelp, Lavi's eye snapped open, and he flailed out, smacking Yuu in the eye with an impromptu fist. Yuu reeled back, unprepared for the blow. He hit the floor hard and blinked, bewildered. Lavi was curled up and pressed into the junction between his bed and the wall, shaking heavily and hyperventilating. Cautiously, Yuu stood back up and leaned forward, climbing onto the bed. The redhead flinched further into himself, and Yuu noticed a bead of sweat fall from the other boy's temple. The boy's green eye shone with a dark, terrified light as Yuu outstretched his right hand, aiming for the boy's face. He knew he shouldn't, that it was probably a bad idea, that he shouldn't be caring about the fake little bastard anyway, but all signs of falseness were gone, replaced with horror and something that looked a million times worse than fear. Lavi's eye was jumping back and forth between multiple targets, never landing on one for longer than a split second. It was as if the boy was still dreaming, still seeing whatever had scared him so.

"Lavi...?" Yuu asked hesitantly, reaching his hand closer to the other boy's face and stroking it down the redhead's cheek. He didn't have time to think about why he had done that, as Lavi pulled himself ever closer to the wall and _huddled_ there.

His eye--the other one was still covered with the eye patch--held no ounce of recognition, but suddenly, Lavi threw himself at Yuu, grabbing him around the shoulders and holding him there with vice-like arms. The Japanese boy tensed, frozen in place. He didn't like Lavi's proximity, nor did he enjoy the faces he saw in the boy's red hair, haunting him even though the light was blaring overhead. The redhead was quivering like a leaf, though, hard enough for the bed springs to protest, eliciting tiny squeaking sounds. It took Yuu a moment to realize that the keening sound coming from Lavi's throat was sobbing, but once he did, he noticed his thin shirt was soaked through by the redhead's tears.

"N-no more n-n-needles, Bookman," Lavi said quietly, his voice somewhere between a whimper and a moan. Unable to do anything else, Yuu pulled him closer, wrapping the other boy in his arms even though every instinct was telling him to let go. Lavi simply shook into him, alternately whimpering and breathing in short, sharp gasps until he quieted enough to fall back into a stupor-like sleep. The Japanese boy tried to let him go, but Lavi clung to him almost desperately, pulling Yuu down onto the pillow with him and holding him there securely.

Yuu didn't know who this Lavi was, but he already knew he wasn't fake, wasn't going to hurt him like the faces--so many faces--did. And suddenly, that was enough for him, and with the lights still blaring comfortingly down on him and his clinging bed partner, Yuu fell into a light, albeit peaceful, sleep.


	2. I Love College

Chapter Two--I Love College

__Identity, with its appropriate attachments of psychological reality, is always identity within a specific, socially constructed world.

\---- Peter Berger

 

_September 4_

His alarm clock went off, pulling Lavi back into himself. Abruptly, he realized his persona was far away, screaming at him in the depths of his mind, and he pulled it back into place, trying to fill in the cracks that had somehow appeared between the previous night and the morning. The second thing he noticed, as he pried his eye open to reach up and stop his alarm, was that Kanda was there, next to him, asleep. Curled up. With an arm around Lavi's waist. And his forehead against Lavi's chest. His heart skipped for a moment. Wait, _what_? How had _that_ happened? _Why_ had that happened? Pulling himself away as quickly as possible, Lavi rose unsteadily to his feet and jumped over Kanda's stirring body and onto the floor. Half-sprinting across the room, the redheaded apprentice grabbed his shower kit and peeled off toward the shower, not looking back as Kanda uttered something he chose not to hear.

Turning the shower's knobs a bit more aggressively than he should have, Lavi tried to stop the shaking that had begun in his hands. Just what the hell had happened? He didn't remember drinking anything, and neither of them had been naked, but there was still a chance that something had happened. How else could they have ended up like that? He must have slipped. That was the only possible conclusion, because his persona had been completely absent when he had awoken. It had been pissed at him for something; that had to be it. How would he face the black-haired boy? What would Bookman do? Oh God, what would Bookman do? Lavi's mind went straight into panic mode as he took his loofah sponge and started scraping at his skin, rubbing himself raw in his desperation not to lose it. Already, his pulse was too fast, and by the time he got to the shampoo, his breathing had become far too rapid for his enjoyment.

The worst part was that he couldn't remember what had happened--not even the slightest clue. God, he didn't even care about sex--he wasn't allowed to--so why the fuck would he be doing anything like that anyway? Rubbing conditioner through his hair and blinking as some dripped into his eyes with the streaming water, Lavi took a few deep, cleansing breaths. He was definitely not 'Lavi' right now, nor was he 'Bookman,' so he didn't quite know what he was, but he knew he shouldn't exist and that he needed to get back to being 'Lavi.' Right now. His persona fell over him like a cold, familiar blanket, and he relaxed into it, glad he didn't have to _feel_ anymore.

He stepped cautiously into the room, afraid he'd be at the end of Kanda's sword. Thankfully, though, the boy in question was on his bed, staring intently down at whatever he was currently sketching. Kanda was always sketching, though this time, he looked slightly more concentrated, as if he was contemplating something very difficult--like trying to remember all the names of Tutankhamun's slaves. He was also muttering to himself--something about nutmeg and vanilla extract. Lavi's stomach growled in response, and the redhead felt himself flush as he hurried over to his drawers and quickly found some clothes. Grabbing his bookbag filled with notebooks, Lavi dashed off to his first class, retreating once again from his room.

Two weeks passed in something akin to a routine. Lavi got up early for his 8AM classes and returned late at night. The entire time, they ignored each other, only speaking when necessary. Of course, necessary for 'Lavi' meant annoying chatter, but it had diminished in its frequency, and there was an icy divide between them. Neither of them mentioned how they had awoken that one day, and though it couldn't slip from Lavi's Bookman-trained mind, he could easily ignore it as much as possible.

It didn't help that they had Geology together. The first time they'd seen each other there, they'd stared, and Kanda had glared at him so viciously that Lavi felt twin beams shooting lasers through his head. Each time after The Incident, though, it had become worse. The first Tuesday after, when Lavi walked into class, he'd sent a not-so-covert look at his roommate, only to see the other boy scowling back at him, both his arms and legs crossed in a testy look of anger. He walked past Kanda, letting the awkward silence flow like electricity between them as usual, and took a seat at his desk, which, thankfully, was at the back of the room. He spent the entire class staring at the back of Kanda's head, taking in each detail--the slight near-blue sheen his hair sometimes took when the fluorescent lights shone on him in just the right way, the way he tilted his head slightly to the right while he wrote, the veins that stuck prominently from his right hand as he scribbled what Lavi could barely make out as Kanji--and wondering how he hadn't noticed any of that before. At the end of class, Kanda ran out, books in hand and scowl on face. The same thing happened each time they had class together, until finally, two weeks after The Incident, Lavi followed him lazily, deciding to skip the rest of his classes. He knew it all, anyway. Besides, there was no lab attached to Bio today, just... boring lecture about messenger RNA and how ribosomes made proteins.

He took his time walking back, strolling leisurely across the quad and gazing at the trees as the barely-changing leaves swayed in the wind. With the sun shining through the canopy underneath which he walked, Lavi paused, thinking that perhaps there was beauty in this world, even if it was only in the form of those ever-changing leaves.

And then he realized what he was thinking. Dazed, he stepped to the side, staring down at his hands in wonder. He had lost objectivity once again. The sounds around him blurred, losing their normal crisp quality. They swirled around him, bringing with them color and smell and _life_. It was confusing, but the blur, too, was beautiful, and Lavi couldn't help but admire that as well. Life was good, wonderful, even. It was so full of the crisp smell of approaching autumn, the gorgeous yellow-green of the morphing leaves, and the bells from the nearby tower striking an out-of-tune melody, spreading it about campus. Even the loud yell that was quickly approaching could be ignored as long as—

Ow.

His wrist hurt.

Oh, fuck.

Bookman was going to kill him. It didn't matter that the bone didn't feel broken--Bookman was still going to kill him, probably for maiming his wrist in the first place. Dimly, he noticed he was on the ground, a bike over his now aching wrist and someone scraped and bleeding standing over him as he blinked up, light filtering into his eyes as he squinted against the sudden... bright...ness...

Oh, holy flying fuckmachine eating penguins. Righting his eye patch and hoping no real damage had been done to his unaccustomed eye, Lavi sat up, fighting against the pain that throbbed its way through his left wrist. It wasn't really a problem for him--he was ambidextrous anyway--but Bookman would still kill him. He had injured himself. Trying to keep his breathing steady, Lavi sat up, ignoring the kid who had run over him, and ran full-tilt back to the dorm. He didn't stop until he had slammed the door behind him, clenching his wrist as tears streamed down his face. He was hyperventilating already, the thoughts swirling dangerously fast through his head, not allowing him to take in all the details--like Kanda putting something into his mouth and then taking a sip from his water bottle. All that Lavi could think was "I am dead" or some other equally morbid variant of that thought. And it surged through his mind, hitting corners he didn't know he had, striking at personas that had long since been discarded. The thoughts hit Lavi, and Lavi slipped away. The thoughts hit Bookman, and Bookman, too, dropped from his mind.

It was blissfully lonely in his mind. Just him and his bouncing, jumping thoughts that wouldn't let him free. He clutched at his wrist and let the tears roll even though he didn't know why they were coming in the first place. Fear? Pain? He didn't know. He couldn't care. Quickly, Lavi scrambled onto his bed, agitating his injured wrist in the process, and curled up into a little protective ball. Bookman couldn't get him if he didn't let the old man near him.

"Barricade the door," he whispered to himself, blocking off the entrance to the room in his mind. He imagined chairs and bookshelves and desks and even the box full of his logs. But there was another entrance, too...

"The window!" Lavi shouted without meaning to, and he went about doing the same thing to the window inside his head, knowing just the same that he was not actually helping himself at all but still feeling better for his mental efforts. Soft, cool hands with delicate, slender fingers that carried strange calluses fell with a light pressure onto his ink-stained, burning ones. They held him still, pulled him close to reality while keeping him safe. When he blinked and looked away from his knees, he saw Kanda's face. The normally hard, scowling expression was absent, replaced with something as soft and gentle as his hands. Vaguely, he noticed Kanda's lips were moving, forming words that, for some reason, he couldn't hear. His ears weren't working. Another thing to fear. If he couldn't hear, he couldn't record sounds, learn languages, _speak_ properly. But Kanda's expression was soothing, calm, and Lavi couldn't help but relax a little. Bookman had his needles, but Kanda had a sword and muscles to prove that he could use it. Calluses, too, though there were still a few in the middle of his palms and down the length of his right pointer finger that didn't make sense. Lavi had no illusions that Kanda wouldn't protect him, not when his face looked like that--so tender and kind and _caring_. He liked that face. He wanted to see it more.

Slowly, he let his breathing calm, concentrating on taking long, deep breaths. Then he relaxed himself from his tight, defensive position, leaning slightly into Kanda, who took him into his arms despite the coldness that had been between them since the night of The Incident. Kanda's chest was very, very warm, and his heartbeat was metronomically steady, rhythmic even. Lavi pressed his ear to Kanda's chest just so he could hear it more clearly. The Japanese boy squeezed him slightly, keeping him safe. But Lavi couldn't stay like that. He wasn't being objective, and though he couldn't quite manage his persona yet, he wasn't ready to give in to whatever he was just yet.

"Th-thanks, Yuu-chan," Lavi said unsteadily, hating himself for the quiver in his voice. That didn't sound very 'Lavi'-like, nor did it sound objective in the least, but it was the best he could do at the moment, he supposed. Extricating himself from the other boy's arms, he pulled back, smiling lightly in a ghost of his usual expression.

The boy nodded. "You're being genuine," he murmured. Lavi looked away, but he heard the rustle of blankets and the squeaking of springs as the mattress moved and he was once again left alone. Leaning forward, pain shot through his wrist, and he gasped out, surprised that he had forgotten his injury.

"Are you alright?" Kanda asked from across the room. Though surprised at the sudden break in the fortnight-long silence, Lavi couldn't help but answer the question--not because that was what 'Lavi' would do, but because he _wanted_ to. That scared him a little.

"I... hurt my wrist," Lavi responded quietly. "Bookman's gonna kill me. I don't think it's broken, though." He laughed humorlessly and grinned wryly, adding, "small miracles."

Kanda grunted, and Lavi looked up as he heard more rustling of blankets. As usual, Kanda was reaching under his quilt--one time, when Kanda had been out of the room doing the things that made him return smelling of blood and peroxide, Lavi had checked under it, and the Japanese boy had a veritable stash of, well, _everything_ there--though what he produced was not another charcoal pencil for his already open sketchbook, but a small roll of elastic wrap. Slowly, the boy stood up, walking over toward Lavi. The redhead watched with vague interest as the boy approached, his scowl not as deep as it usually was. It reminded him of the expression Kanda sometimes wore when he was sketching in his second notebook. Early on, Lavi had noticed the other boy kept two very separate sketchbooks, though whenever he looked for the second one, he could never find it. He assumed Kanda always had it on his person. The first sketchbook, however, disturbed Lavi somewhat.

It hadn't taken him long to figure out that Kanda cut himself, though the boy was so blatant about it that Lavi figured it was for attention. The drawings made him question that a little bit. There were days when Kanda just scribbled and scribbled until the entire page was black with the graphite of his pencil. Other entries included faces that Lavi had never seen. The most prominent drawing, though, was the one of the lotus flower. Lavi didn't know what it was, but it gave off an intimidating, fear-inducing aura. Which was why he hadn't touched it yet. It shook sometimes, and Lavi had quickly connected the timing with Kanda's disappearances from the room. Usually, those disappearances meant he was out self-mutilating, as he often returned with droplets of blood on his clothing and a bottle of peroxide in his hand. So they were connected in some way. Lavi wasn't quite sure how, but they were, and he would definitely have to keep an eye on it. The redhead usually checked through the sketchbook every few days, and just recently, he'd seen one of a bed. The day before, he'd seen an intricate design of chains.

Lavi was snapped back to the present as pain once again shot through his wrist. Looking up--his head had drooped a bit while he thought--Lavi saw Kanda examining his injury closely, prodding it.

"Sprain," the boy grunted, taking the elastic banding and wrapping it slowly and securely around Lavi's wrist. The redhead smiled down at him--he was taller, after all--even as he wondered why the fuck the boy was even doing this for him. Kanda had made it very clear that he hated Lavi. Even though he usually ignored that. Still, he couldn't help noticing how long and dark Kanda's eyelashes were. It wasn't his fault they fanned out at just the right angle for viewing as the long-haired boy worked smoothly and steadily on his bandage. Lavi stayed silent the entire time, transfixed by the Asian boy in a way he'd never been before.

"Yuu?" He asked as Kanda shifted to get off the mattress. The Japanese boy grunted again, raising his eyebrow just slightly. Anyone not Bookman-trained wouldn't have seen it. It was the subtlest of expressions, one that Lavi was sure the other boy wasn't even conscious he was making. It was... Lavi didn't know how to describe it. For the first time in his life, he couldn't come up with a descriptive word. Desperately, he cast his mind around, still coming up with nothing.

"What?" The boy asked, his tone nasty. However, underneath that scowling exterior, Lavi was sure he heard something genuinely curious.

"Er, thanks," Lavi said, raising his bandaged wrist awkwardly. That wasn't what he had meant to say. Actually, he hadn't meant to say anything. He should have said something about how he loved 'Yuu-chan' forever and bowed down at his feet, or maybe he should have hugged the boy and offered to braid his hair. But with that.. _tender_ undertone and _vulnerable_ look on his face--yes, those were the words, maybe--those responses just seemed so... wrong.

" _Che_." The Japanese boy turned the other way, hitting Lavi with his ponytail, and walked back to his bed. But the way he held himself was less stiff than it had been when he'd walked over.

They sat in silence for a while, neither saying anything even though they didn't go back to what they had been doing. Lavi felt something strange coursing through his chest, something warm and vaguely fuzzy, like a bath sponge. It felt good, like there were no worries in his life, as if Bookman was a fictional being that only haunted his dreams. Speaking of...

"Have I been... very vocal... in my dreams?" Lavi asked, dreading the answer.

Kanda stirred on his bed, raising his head to catch Lavi's gaze. For some reason, Lavi felt as if his bath sponge had gotten just slightly warmer. "You scream," Kanda said shortly, looking away again, taking the heat with him.

Ice flowed through Lavi's veins. If he screamed, that was bad. He tended to talk in his sleep, and if he was screaming things that were supposed to be secret… Just what had he...

He ran over to Kanda's bed, eye wide and panicked, and grabbed the other boy's shoulders, shaking them slightly. Kanda tensed and flinched away, but Lavi kept a firm hold on him. The wrist he could get away with, but telling secrets, even if it was unconscious...

"What did I say?" He asked urgently, staring so intently at Kanda that he rather felt he forced the other boy to look at him. "Please tell me I didn't say anything when I screamed."

The Japanese boy shook his head gravely, his frown going deeper. Lavi was still ice cold, and he could feel the tremors begin. Bookman really _was_ going to kill him. There was no way he could avoid this. "Needles--you talked about those a lot. Ants, too, and spiders. The rest was just crying out, pleading with Bookman, and a few things about burning, if something was deep enough...?"

"How often have I screamed?" Lavi asked. Kanda looked away, but Lavi grabbed his chin--causing the boy to flinch--and pulled it back so that the Japanese boy was forced to look at him again.

Though Kanda averted his gaze, he answered in a gruff voice, "almost every night for the past week. It started the night that..." Kanda trailed off, and the redhead understood. The Incident. He didn't want to know what he'd done in his nightmare-induced haze that had forced Yuu into his bed, probably against his will.

"Sorry I've been ruining your sleep," Lavi said sheepishly, awkwardly, surprising himself when he realized he actually meant it. The sponge was getting warm again, despite his frigid fear.

"You haven't," Kanda replied, still looking away. That... _soft_ expression was back, the one that he had described before as vulnerable. But that wasn't quite right. It was soft, but it was definitely strong at the same time. It was Yuu. It was... making Lavi very, very hot, like the bath sponge had just been thrust under boiling water. "You've ruined everyone else's, though," Kanda added with a smirk.

" _Ne,_ Yuu-chan?" Lavi asked, and the boy in front of him grunted in acknowledgment of his name. "D'ya wanna get lunch sometime?"

He didn't know where the question had come from, but it was sincere, a fact that was both distressing and invigorating to him, and Lavi realized how much he really _wanted_ to get to know Kanda. _Really_ get to know him. Not the stupid hugging shit and prying he did as 'Lavi,' but the real, bonding-chat and nighttime conversation stuff that he'd only seen others do. Bookmen couldn't take part in it, but right now, Lavi was as far as he'd ever been from being objective.

Kanda scoffed again, but he nodded, and that fuzzy feeling was back, a bit too warm. Lavi found he liked it.

"I'll have to be 'Lavi,' of course, but if you don't mind, I'll try to be myself in the dorm as much as possible," he said. Kanda nodded again, taking out his sketchbook and backing up so that Lavi was no longer touching him. Lavi took that as his cue to back up as well and return to his bed, so he did. They sat for a while in silence, Lavi scribbling away at his logs and Kanda looking up intermittently as he drew something, until a knock came at the door.

Lavi sighed and got up from his bed, painting 'Lavi' back over the wall that was his true psyche, and went to answer the door. Bookman didn't even wait for him to open it, simply letting himself in, knocking Lavi back as the door hit his face. He walked in, ignoring his fallen apprentice, and headed toward the box the redhead still kept by his bed. It was the one that included all of his Bookman stuff--logbooks and the like.

"Niceta see you, too, you old panda," Lavi muttered sarcastically, clamping a hand to his now bleeding nose. His left hand still throbbed a little beneath the bandage, and Lavi tried to ignore it as he came up behind the tiny man.

He was once again flung aside as Bookman charged to the other side of the room, aiming a punch at Kanda before Lavi could even make a sound of protest. The Japanese boy didn't see it coming--obviously, as he didn't dodge the attack at all. The lotus flower above Kanda's head shook as Bookman's strike hit. Lavi noticed how the old man's eyes glanced up for a brief moment before returning to the stunned boy beside him.

"What the fuck was that for, old man?" The black-haired boy exclaimed, going for his blade. With reflexes that would do the Japanese boy proud, Bookman shot out his hand, grabbing Kanda's wrist before he could even touch his sword's hilt. From the minute twinge on Kanda's face, Lavi assumed that the old man's grip was bone-crushingly tight. Lavi knew he had to do something before this got bad, and bloody.

"Bookman! No! Yuu-chan helped me! I got run over by an asshole on a bike!" Lavi shouted as he threw his arms around the tiny man who was threatening his roommate. For some reason, it hurt to even imagine Kanda injured at the hands of his Master. Or at the hands of anyone. His chest throbbed with an unknown emotion, and he ignored it, determined to wrestle Bookman--who was surprisingly strong--to the ground, where he could be reasoned with. A punch hit his face, blackening his one good eye, but Lavi ignored that, too. He grunted as he pinned Bookman's arms to the floor, sitting on the tiny man's stomach to gain leverage. The old man struggled, kicking a booted leg with too much strength into the small of Lavi's back. Eyes watering, Lavi grimaced and shifted his weight so that Bookman couldn't move at all. The entire time, his wrist throbbed murderously.

"Lavi, if you slip like this again, you know what will happen," the old man warned in a wheezing, tired voice. Lavi froze, fear striking his heart and stopping its rhythmic movement. Yes, he knew what would happen. And that threat in itself was enough to make him roll off of Bookman and dash from the room, not caring what Kanda got from the conversation. He was scared, probably too scared, but Bookman had once said that those in his profession were allowed to feel fear. Which was good, because Lavi's heart had broken from its stasis and was now pounding a mile a minute to make up for its earlier failure.

Navigating the dorm's hallways with cool efficiency, Lavi broke up to the rooftop and gasped out a loud breath. He panted as he collapsed against the wall and made his way over to the railing. He would _not_ suffer that punishment again. He had perfected his personas, so whatever was happening now would _never_ happen again. Ever. Even if he had to kill Yuu to accomplish that.

That thought hurt, so he steered clear of it. Yuu, dead. That was too horrible to think of, so instead, he thought of meditating exercises he had seen in a book in Kanda's pile of shit underneath his covers. Though he didn't have a pillow, it was still plenty bright out. Sitting cross-legged on the cold concrete, Lavi let out a breath and tried to calm his racing heart. He didn't want distractions. A moment later, he let his eye fall mostly closed--which wasn't hard, as it was swelling to the size of a balloon--and took a few more deep breaths, trying to "cleanse his soul." Then he let his mind wander, float out into the "world beyond consciousness." A small part of his mind scoffed, but he hit it with a hammer and told it to shut up.

He heard the door open and knew it was Bookman. The old man sat down in front of him and sat in a similar fashion, allowing his panda-like black-lined eyes to fall into a position similar to Lavi's bruised one. It had been a while since they'd sat in silence and meditated together, and Lavi enjoyed it, despite knowing that a conversation would eventually be struck and that he'd be punished for, well, everything.

Bookman didn't wait very long before bringing it up. "Was it 'Lavi' who was defending the boy, or was it you?"

Dropping his gaze, even though he knew it was a terrible idea, Lavi whispered, "I don't know." Bookman raised a stormy gray eyebrow, and Lavi continued. "Part of me doesn't give a shit, and that's how it should be. _'Lavi'_ doesn't give a shit. But _I_ don't want Y--Kanda to get hurt for something he didn't do. It's... not fair. I don't know if I mean that objectively or not, but Kanda doesn't deserve that. You've read my logs. I don't know whether he does it for attention or not, but _something_ obviously happened in Kanda's past, and..." he drifted off, shrugging. He didn't really know what else to say. It _sounded_ like he cared, even though he didn't.

His Master made a noise that Lavi couldn't quite make sense of, but he waited for Bookman's wisdom. "Watch but do not get attached. I will allow your behavior today, but do not involve yourself further with that boy." Standing up, Bookman sighed and left. The door closed quietly behind him.

Breathing a small sigh of relief, Lavi stood as well, heading back to his room. He ignored Kanda and his very nearly expectant look and sat on his bed. He flinched as he put too much pressure on his wrist and gasped when he heard it crack. He heard a rustle from Kanda's side of the room, and a second later, the Japanese boy sat on his bed, hand outstretched with a small orange pill between thumb and forefinger.

"Ibuprofen?" Kanda asked. Lavi managed a small smile and reached out with his right hand to accept the pain pill. He needed it. Reaching for his water bottle, Lavi quickly downed the medicine and sat back on his pillow, which was against the wall.

"Thanks, Yuu-chan," Lavi muttered, closing his eye. The mattress depressed further as the Japanese boy switched positions, probably to sit more comfortably. Lavi's stomach growled. The springs in the mattress squeaked as it moved again, Kanda along with it. Lavi heard the boy's purposeful steps--he always walked with an authoritative... swagger--across the room. A strange sound that ended with a long, deep purr echoed quietly through the room, but then it was cut off. From the smell of food that permeated the air, Lavi supposed Kanda had opened the mini-fridge to take something out. After more stepping sounds, Lavi felt something fall into his lap.

"Do you like frozen salad?" Kanda grunted as Lavi opened his still swelling eye. Though it was now a bit sensitive to light, the redhead could still see the long, dark strands that framed the Japanese boy's face. He could also see the small Tupperware container of what looked like salad dressing in the boy's hands. And a fork. Flicking his eye briefly to his lap, Lavi saw his frozen salad. His stomach growled again. It looked good.

Even though it was frozen, the first bite still tasted like heaven. Even though it hurt his teeth as he crunched down, Lavi thought it was the best salad he had ever had. Living as a Bookman, though, he supposed it probably was. Bookmen didn't exactly have the best budget. They scrounged most of the time, living in inns or off the charity of idiotic do-gooders. Sometimes they got a meal if they stayed in a "high-class" motel. One time, they'd eaten out at a place that had menu prices over seven pounds. Lavi still remembered exactly what that had tasted like, and he would for the rest of his life. This chilling salad with its homemade dressing--probably courtesy of Kanda's guardian--tasted better than any five dollar meal he'd gotten at any McFood Stand on the side of the highway.

Without meaning to, he told Kanda so. The boy's eyes bugged out slightly. It was a very subtle change, but Lavi's keen eye saw it, and he put down his fork as he chewed contemplatively.

"You've never had a decent meal?" Kanda asked incredulously. Lavi swallowed and nodded.

"Well, I mean, the dorm food's pretty good," Lavi said offhandedly. Was Kanda making fun of him? That was a new experience.

"The dorm food is shit," Kanda scoffed. For some reason, Lavi felt offended.

"What do you mean? It's delicious!" He exclaimed, snapping his eye as far open as it would go and slamming his good hand down in outrage. What did the Japanese boy know about food, anyway?

Kanda rolled his eyes and walked back over to his bed. Reaching under the covers, he procured a sleek little cell phone. He flipped it open, pressed a few buttons, and held it a few inches away from his ear. Vaguely, Lavi wondered why.

" _YUU-KUN!!!_ "

Lavi wondered no longer. _Yuu-kun_ looked very disgruntled as the voice Lavi had come to associate with that of the boy's guardian yelled and wailed loudly over the speaker for a good three minutes. When the bawling had finally subsided, Kanda held the phone next to his ear and sighed.

"Tiedoll, are we still on for dinner tonight?" After he had spoken, he once again held the phone away from his ear as if once again anticipating his guardian's response.

" _Of course we're still on Yuu-kun! How could you even begin to think that I would stand up my favorite adopted son for dinner?"_ Kanda rolled his eyes.

"I'm not your favorite, and I just wanted to see where we were going and to tell you I'm bringing my roommate." There was a pause on the other end of the line.

 _"Yuu-kun made... a friend?"_ The voice sounded so incredulous that Lavi couldn't stifle his laughter, for which he was rewarded with a sharp glare from the Japanese boy across from him.

_"Che."_

_"Really, Yuu-kun? I'm so proud of you!"_

Kanda's face looked horrified. "Where are we going, old man?" He asked impatiently. There was a slight noise that Lavi couldn't classify as either whimper or sniffle. A snimper, maybe? Lavi couldn't hear the man's response; it was too quiet. But Kanda looked ruffled and removed his phone from his ear in order to glare down at it.

"I refuse to go there. It's shit. We're going somewhere more expensive."

" _Always such a critic,_ " Tiedoll responded. " _How about_ Le Petit Pont?"

"I hate French food, you old bastard. There's a good Greek place just down the street from there. That's where we're going."

" _But Yuu-kun! That place asks for five pounds just for_ water!"

"Then don't order a drink," Kanda replied nastily, looking slightly amused despite his tone.

There was once again a snimpering noise on the other line, and a few moments later the man replied, _"Fine, I'll make reservations and we'll all be there at five. Oh, by the way, Daisya said he sent you a letter, did you get it?"_

Kanda's face was a picturesque mask of horror, and Lavi was suddenly overwhelmingly curious as to what might have brought about this abrupt change from his roommate's almost constant reticence. He looked absolutely mortified.

"No. No, I didn't. It must have gotten lost in the mail," Kanda said through gritted teeth. Somehow, he managed to keep his tone light and breezy. Lavi's curiosity reached alarming heights. Cautiously, he stood up, carefully putting his salad aside so he could finish it later, and walked past Kanda to his bed. Reaching under the blanket, he found a letter-shaped object and pulled it out. He had a moment to look up into Kanda's face before it was snatched away and thrown promptly into the trash can. Lavi smirked and tried to follow the letter's trajectory, but Kanda held out a restraining hand and scowled, mouthing _not now._ Lavi nodded, looking at the boy expectantly. From the set of Kanda's face, Lavi was sure the boy would tell him. It made his stomach feel strange, almost fluffy. And warm. Very warm.

" _Oh, okay, then, I'll just tell him to re-write it and hand it to you at the restaurant_."

"No." Kanda's horror was almost comical.

" _Oh, come on, Daisya's harmless, and I think he misses you."_

"It's not my fault he's a retard," Kanda hissed. "Come to the front entrance--it's closer than the back." With that, Kanda quickly closed his phone, cutting off the conversation. Bringing his hand to his head, Kanda pinched the bridge of his nose, looking resigned. Lavi walked back to his side of the room with the intention of finishing his half-thawed salad. Sitting back on his bed, he waited for his roommate to come and sit with him, but the boy just walked back to his bed, sticking his arm--complete with cell phone--back under the covers.

A moment later, though, Kanda returned to Lavi's bed, holding a small photo album in his hands. He placed it silently in front of Lavi and opened it. The redhead gaped. The first picture had several people in it, only two of whom he recognized. The first was a frizzy-haired man that Lavi had seen bawling as he walked out of the door on move-in day. The second was a slightly younger Kanda. Lavi could only tell the difference because the boy's hair was a bit shorter. Judging by the general lack of fabric to the clothing and the barely distinguishable sheen of sweat on the photo's subjects, Lavi assumed it had been taken over the summer, probably in July or August.

"My family," Kanda finally said gruffly.

"Oh, so you are adopted," Lavi said. The dark-haired boy nodded.

"Tiedoll--" He pointed to the frizzy-haired man, "--Marie and his fiancée, Miranda--"

"Marie is a strange name for a man," Lavi commented.

Kanda grunted. "His surname," he said.

"What happened to your parents?" Lavi interjected. They had probably died, or maybe they had abused Kanda or something--that would account for both the attention-seeking self-injury and the slight flinches from touches. Kanda froze for a second too long and then looked down at the picture.

"Dead," he whispered, but his voice sounded too haunted not to intrigue Lavi. But the redhead knew when to push, and now obviously wasn't the time.

"I don't know mine," Lavi said in a hushed voice. "I don't really remember much from before I was six. I just know I was on the streets, 'cause that's where Bookman found me."

The Asian boy froze again at the word "streets," and Lavi desperately wanted to know what had happened. What scared him, though, was that the curiosity wasn't objective. What scared him more was that he didn't want to put the information in his record.

Kanda pointed at another boy, one with mousy brown hair and strange eye make-up. "Daisya," he said, a disgusted note in his tone.

Looking again at the picture, Lavi raised a red eyebrow. "Is that Professor Lee?" He asked, pointing to a man with shoulder-length black hair and a beret. He had his arms around a blushing girl with purple-brown eyes. Though his glasses shone with the afternoon light, the man's eyes were exactly the same shape as the girl's. Lavi suspected a relation. Thinking back to his Biochemistry lectures, he was sure it was the man's sister, Lenalee. The man talked about her almost religiously.

From the corner of his swollen eye, Lavi saw Kanda nod. "The man has a ridiculous sister complex. That's Lenalee, his sister, and the one next to her with the white hair is _Moyashi_."

Quickly, Lavi wracked his brain for the translation. Bean Sprout. Probably a nickname. "Any particular reason you call him that?" He asked innocently.

Kanda snorted. "Look at him. He's microscopic. I don't know what Lenalee sees in him." Lavi chuckled and motioned for Kanda to continue. "Next to him, with the red hair, that's Cross--he's _Moyashi's_ guardian. He's an asshole and a womanizer."

"And they allow that kind of person to foster a child?" Lavi asked, a strange, almost outraged, emotion running through his system.

Kanda shrugged. "He keeps his... liaisons separate from his childcare. The Black Order Childcare Services are lenient with him." Kanda shrugged again, apparently at a loss for words.

Lavi took the photo album from the Japanese boy's hands and quickly flipped through the pages. It was interesting watching time progress backward. It was somewhat distressing that Kanda was not in any other the photos the farther Lavi went back. There was only one by the time he reached the end. The photo was of Tiedoll--the man had to have been at the most ten years younger--and next to him was a much younger Kanda. Lavi had to make a double-take. The Kanda in the picture was very similar to the current version but much smaller, almost... fragile, and the look in the boy's eyes could not be mistaken as anything other than fear. The two were surrounded by a large group of people, the same group Lavi had seen in the previous photos. They were all smiling and hugging Tiedoll as Kanda stood almost completely hidden from view behind the crazy man's legs. It was something about the way Kanda held himself that made Lavi realize that it wasn't for attention.

"You don't do it for attention, do you?" The question had simply slipped out, he hadn't meant to voice his inner interest.

The photo album was ripped from Lavi's grasp and quickly shoved under Kanda's blanket. Lavi looked at the black-haired boy and received an icy glare in return.

" _Che_. You think it’s for attention?" Kanda's voice was dark and solid.

"Well, you never hid it, so I just assumed... but now that I see... well, I'm sorry for thinking that." It surprised Lavi to note how much. Kanda looked away, shrugging and scoffing in a manner that Lavi had already become accustomed to, and ignored the redhead for a moment. Lavi thought it was some kind of defensive technique, like when a hurt animal runs from its tormentor. It was probably the most basic technique--forcing the mind away from something it didn't want to think--and though Lavi had used it on numerous occasions, something pulled at his chest when he thought of Kanda doing the same thing. He wasn't exactly sure what that feeling meant, so he pushed it to the back of his mind, defending himself from it until he understood it better.

They sat on Lavi's bed in silence for a while, neither seeming to know what to say or how to break it. Without his persona, Lavi was comfortable letting the awkward quietness fill the air. He didn't really know what to say, honestly.

"You don't have to... leave the room to do it," the redhead apprentice said after a while, hoping the Japanese boy would take the invitation. But Kanda didn't make a sound, nor did he move so that their eyes were meeting again.

"You want to tell me to stop," Kanda finally said nearly a quarter of an hour later. Lavi's left eye opened wide with shock. Where the hell had that assumption come from?

"No," he denied quickly, raising his hands from their position in his lap (they were twiddling the plastic fork he'd used). "I don't, not at all. Actually, I think you're kind of lucky... you're _allowed_ to express yourself. I can't even... the things I've thought about doing to myself..." He couldn't finish that statement. Kanda wouldn't want to hear it.

"Why haven't you?" It was a fair question.

"I'm a Bookman. All I have to do is just... compartmentalize the thoughts, put a layer between me and them. If the Old Panda found out, well, there's worse things than cutting yourself."

"Needles?" Kanda guessed. Lavi froze, dropping the fork that was still in his hands. He didn't want to talk about that. Needles were bad. They were cold and sharp and could puncture anything. They could be laced with sedatives or poison or nothing at all. They could induce great pleasure and relaxation. Or they could induce pain. Lavi couldn't count the times they had caused him pain. A slip here, a slip there, they didn't really matter in the long run, but they still hurt him to think about. Without meaning to, he began to shiver, deep, reflexive tremors that gave away exactly how terrified he was.

And Kanda did something completely unexpected. He leaned forward and pulled Lavi into his arms, placing a hand behind the redhead's neck and pulling the apprentice's head onto his muscled chest. Lavi shook and shook, but Kanda held him strong, and for once, the redhead didn't care about emotions or personas. All he cared about was Yuu's strong arms holding him gently and Yuu's deep, even breaths and calm heartbeats that lulled him back to a more relaxed state. He didn't have to think, didn't have to analyze. He just had to be.

"Needles scare me," he confessed, and Kanda nodded, jostling Lavi on his chest.

Eventually, Kanda pushed Lavi back, giving him an imperceptible glance before getting off the bed and going back to his own. A moment later, his arm was under the blanket, pulling out a pile of books. He proceeded to do homework, and Lavi followed suit, for once comfortable with the silence between them, until a knock came at the door. It was too strong to be Bookman's--his was lower to the ground, anyway--and the rhythmic pattern of three was different than his Master's usual two. Kanda rolled his eyes, stuffing his books back under his covers, and walked over to the door. Sighing, he pulled it open, admitting the tall, bulky frizzy-haired man with the thick-rimmed glasses that Lavi remembered from his first day.

The man practically threw himself at Kanda, who looked almost comically like a deer caught in headlights as he was tackled to the floor with a resounding _thump_.

"Get off me, old man!" Kanda grumbled angrily, looking as if he was pushing at the frizzy-haired man's limbs with quite a bit of effort. His attacker didn't move at all. Lavi found it all very funny, and a strange, bubbly feeling made its way up his throat and out of his mouth. A foreign sound hit his ears, and he realized he was laughing. Genuinely laughing.

"Need some help there, Yuu-chan?" Lavi asked between giggles. Yes, he was giggling. It disturbed him somewhat. He felt like a non-Bookman. He supposed that others might feel like a girl, but he was always a bit different, so it didn't matter.

The frizzy-haired man looked up from the floor and smiled at Lavi. With what looked like a great deal of effort the man stood up and went to shake his hand.

"You must be Yuu-kun's roommate. It’s nice to finally meet you. I am Yuu-kun's guardian; you can call me Tiedoll."

"Hiya, Tiedoll!" Lavi said, smiling as he fixed his persona back into place. He tried to ignore Kanda's abrupt shift in facial expression and drew the Japanese boy's guardian into an overly-friendly hug with much back patting.

"Oh, Yuu-kun, I couldn't get reservations to the Greek place, sooo..."

Kanda growled. "You mean you didn't want to go there so you just went ahead and made reservations at the French place," he said angrily, shooting Tiedoll a glare that could eat through lead.

Tiedoll grinned sheepishly, though Lavi thought the man actually looked a bit relieved, a fact he noted and put to the back of his mind for later use. He was 'Lavi' now; he would have to be analytical, and besides, Bookman would probably...

As Kanda scowled at Tiedoll, who was stepping out of the room with his charge in tow, Lavi grabbed his roommate's arm and pulled him aside. Tiedoll shot him a strange look, but Lavi ignored it, leaning down slightly to whisper in Yuu's ear, "hide your Lotus if you don't want Bookman to learn more about it. I've written loads of theories about it in my logs, and I can mislead him that way, but if he sees it again, he may start researching into it himself."

Kanda nodded and doubled back to the room, saying he'd forgotten his keys. A moment later, they all left, both redhead and brunette sitting in the back seat of Tiedoll's SUV as they drove toward what Lavi supposed would be his best meal ever.

\---


	3. You Found Me

Chapter Three—You Found Me

__We think as he does, and as disinterested observers we understand his thoughts and actions perhaps better than he does himself.

\---- Hans Morgenthau

_September 10_

_Le Petit Pont_ was probably the most ostentatious thing Yuu had ever seen. The food was okay, mediocre at best, and overpriced. The décor was tacky, with several paintings of the _Pont d'Avignon_ and a large, Christmas-light-ridden statue of the _Tour Eiffel_. Inside, Yuu could already hear the gaudy French accordion music going on, and when Tiedoll went up to the host so they could be seated, the Japanese boy wanted to hit something very hard, preferably with Mugen. The fucking employee had a handlebar mustache and was sporting a pinstriped vest, black pants, and a white shirt. His black bowtie and white apron finished off the stereotypical ensemble, making Yuu want to murder everything in sight.

His only consolation was that Lavi, who was being his outrageous, fake self, seemed to have trouble containing his amusement. From the glint in his only visible eye, it seemed that Lavi was being genuine on some minute level. Yuu had quickly been able to decipher the redhead's moods, to tell which ones were more real than the others. Lavi tried to be objective, as a Bookman should, but there were times, like that short pipsqueak Lavi called Master had said, that the boy just... slipped. It had been happening more often lately, especially in the dorm. Especially today. And for some reason, Yuu was actually curious as to who Lavi really was. The real Lavi was quieter and almost... shy wasn't the word, not by a long shot, nor was timid or afraid. It was more like the real Lavi was _fragile_ , as if he had seen so many things that were threatening to break his psyche if he was genuine for more than a moment.

It was concerning, as much as he didn't want to admit it. Yuu actually found real-Lavi's presence... _comforting_. Sighing inwardly, Yuu forced himself to admit that he might even possibly _like_ real-Lavi. He was different than Daisya, who was annoying, or Marie, who was like a boulder, and even Lenalee, who was often strong in her opinions. Lavi simply _was_ , simply _existed_ , and Yuu liked him. Maybe.

And he knew that Lavi liked him. The way the boy had softly asked if Yuu wanted to eat lunch with him, as if he was afraid the Japanese boy would say no, had convinced him of that. And if that hadn't been enough proof, the boy had told him things that he probably never should have heard. He had said some personal things about himself--his fear of needles, hints at his past. Before that, fake-Lavi and the tiny hints of real-Lavi had revealed nothing, had told him nothing, even as they'd both dug ruthlessly into Yuu's worst memories.

More than anything, though, real-Lavi was _intriguing_ to him. It was almost like it was okay to care, like it wouldn't hurt him this time. It was like he could actually _trust_ someone without having proof that the other was trustworthy. It was a completely foreign feeling, one he hadn't felt since before his parents had... died all those years ago. It was like he could trust someone who was slightly more broken than he was.

Ignoring the beginnings of the tremors in his limbs, Yuu let Lavi fall into step next to him as they followed Tiedoll to their table. His eyes widened in horror as he saw the rest of their party had already arrived. _Moyashi_ —whose guardian, thankfully, had skipped out—was seated next to Lenalee, who was looking very pretty in a short, ruffled skirt and a long-sleeved blouse. She had her hair in her customary pigtails, twin burgundy ribbons holding them up. Across from her was Miranda, who had her slim arm through Marie's bulky one. And there, desecrating the room with his very presence, doodling on a kids' menu with multi-colored crayons, was Daisya. With a beach dress on. And a very familiar-looking bikini top beneath it. Yuu prayed the other boy was wearing the bottoms, too, just for decency's sake. The worst part, though, was that Daisya was imitating Lenalee's hairstyle. And the hair ties were _pink_.

"They let him in with that?" Yuu asked, his voice coming out scratchy with shock, as he pointed at the abomination that was his adopted brother.

"O' course they did, Yuu-kunnn!" Daisya exclaimed, jumping up from his seat and following the table to the other end. Yuu dodged his attack by grabbing Lavi and using him as a shield. The redhead gave out a squawking shout as all three of them were tackled to the ground. Within a moment, Yuu was out from underneath them, trying to ignore the jumpy feeling from being touched. He unsheathed Mugen and pointed it right at Daisya's exposed throat. Lavi quivered beneath him, making a tiny, almost unheard whimpering noise, and Yuu removed his blade, giving Daisya a swift kick in the stomach.

" _Don't_ ," he hissed menacingly, "call me by my first name."

"Well," said an equally menacing voice from behind him, " _don't_ brandish weapons in my restaurant, Miss."

Yuu saw red as the world around him snapped. He remembered nothing clearly, save for a few details. Tiedoll's arm coming out, trying to grab him, seizing his wrist and making him jump. Daisya's pink hair tie falling out as Yuu twirled toward the owner. The manager's mouth opening in a small "o" as he saw the blade arcing toward him. But it was Lavi's face that made him stop, the sharp side of his katana less than a millimeter from the pale skin of the shocked manager's arm. Lavi's face. His face. A wide, green eye, opened too much to imply anything other than acute alarm. His mouth, also open, was slack, as if the boy wasn't schooling his expression—for once. Maybe it was the hair falling almost artfully over his black eye patch, creating a beautiful harmony of colors, or perhaps it was that Yuu could see two freckles the boy himself probably wasn't aware of on his left cheek, but for some reason, the expression made him freeze. It was probably with disgust. But Lavi—the real Lavi—wouldn't want him to attack an idiot, would he? And, for that matter, did Yuu? It accomplished nothing, though it would make him feel better. But Lenalee _liked_ the fucking place, _liked_ the fucking _French_ food. She wouldn't be allowed back if he did this. And she'd hate him for it.

Sighing, he lowered his weapon, biting out, "fuck you," in his lowest voice before half-marching, half-stomping from the building. A quick glance that could have been described as a hair flick but wasn't allowed Yuu to see that his strange roommate was following and that Tiedoll was already apologizing to the poor, stunned man who had dared invoke the Japanese boy's ire.

"Kanda!" Lavi called out from behind him. Yuu twirled around, nearly freezing in place. _What_ had Lavi called him? "Kanda! Wait for me!"

It was real-Lavi; Yuu could see it immediately as he glanced into the other boy's eye. Without thinking, he grabbed the redhead's face, drawing him closer. Even though he didn't like close, detested it nearly as much as the chains that Tiedoll had tried to put on him even though Tiedoll didn't have any chains. But the chains were still there, burning and icy at once, and Yuu wished he could fucking _see_ his scars because otherwise it was like nothing had happened. And, dammit, it was already dark enough to start seeing the faces, and his heart rate was skyrocketing, and if he wasn't smart, he would have sworn that he was hyperventilating, too.

"Kanda?" Lavi's voice was speculative this time, his eyebrow lowered in what could be worry or what could be an attempt at him, just like all the other faces. Only they hadn't called him Kanda. They hadn't called him anything. No, that wasn't true. They had called him a lot of things. He hadn't liked those. But then again, he didn't like what the redheaded boy in front of him was calling him. He didn't like it... was this redhead one of the faces? He didn't look like a face he had seen before, but that happened from time to time. Lucidity had been a dream at that time, something that only happened occasionally, so if he had forgotten this boy before, it wouldn't surprise him that much. And he was Kanda. But he didn't want to be?

But there was no pain, and that was what made him shake his head and bite back his scream as the redheaded face materialized a body in front of him and held onto his wrists that had at some point come up to cross defensively over his chest. Yuu covered his panic and shook his head faster, trying to erase the electricity that was bolting through them, so different from the pain and fear and _hurt_ that normally followed the wrist-grabbing. Normally it was soft when the wrist-grabbing happened, but this time it wasn't. It... was...

"Yuu-chan!?"

It wasn't enough to snap him out of it, nothing was. He just stood there, wide-eyed, staring out at all the faces. There were too many now. There was a frizzy-haired man with too-thick glasses that made his eyes big, a tall and hulky man that seemed terrifying next to Yuu's small form, a tiny woman with curly brown hair and brown eyes, a white-haired boy who seemed far too familiar, a fucktard—no, that was... something with a D... Day... something--who was obviously a man, despite the pink hair tie that held a bunch of his hair in a half-assed ponytail, a man that had red hair, glasses, and a mask, someone that Yuu knew instantly was predator, one that would hurt him if only on a whim, and there was a sweet-looking girl who couldn't possibly want to harm him but must have because he was seeing her face. And there was the redheaded face again, leering at him with that green, green eye, whispering something that he tried not to hear.

He screamed this time, screamed long and hard, screamed words he didn't know and wouldn't remember later. Maybe it was _Lavi_ , maybe it was _oh shit, get off_ , maybe it was _unhand me you cretin_ , but whatever it was, the touch was gone. He wanted it back, though, as twisted as that seemed. And that made him realize that something was very, very different and very, very wrong.

He wanted to collapse as he blinked and clarity returned. He wanted everyone to forget what they had just seen because Tiedoll was going to try to make him _see_ someone again, have them put him on fucking _medicine_ again, medicine that made him feel weak and tired and fuzzy. Medicine that made his mind grow cobwebs as it tried to erase faces that could never, never leave the etchings of his mind.

"Yuu-chan!"

The Japanese boy blinked almost tiredly at his roommate, flushing halfheartedly as Tiedoll marched up. He knew what was coming next.

"Not now," he whispered, defeated. "Let's just go to the fucking Greek place or a fucking McFood Stand. I don't give a shit. Just... not now." He pulled himself from Tiedoll's grasping arms, throwing himself inadvertently at Lavi, who wrapped him in a tight, warm hold that felt _good_. He extricated himself from that, too. Good was bad.

He needed pain. Pain kept the faces at bay, kept his mind aware. He had asked his doctor once, innocently, back before... he had been with Tiedoll. The physician had told him it had something to do with endorphins or something. Well, he needed some of those right now. Anything would do. But he knew Tiedoll would make even more of a fuss if he went to the bathroom to use the knife currently in the five inches of space at the bottom of his scabbard. And though he could get away with it at the table--well, maybe Lavi would notice--he didn't like the attention. He hated anyone even looking at him and always had. He tolerated that now, but _touching_... no, he didn't like touching. It reminded him of the raw hurting, the unrefined confusion, of his times in the dark.

Tiedoll patted him on the shoulder, pushing his limply hanging arms further toward the concrete sidewalk that made interesting patterns in the pool of light the nearby streetlamp provided. They whorled in and out of sight, hiding themselves with the faces that still lingered, should he dare to focus on them.

He was so intent on not looking at the spiraling patterns on the ground that he didn't notice the Bean Sprout stride up next to him. Nor did he realize that the pounding on his back was from the idiot's hand. But he did notice how close those whirling shapes were becoming. Everything went white for a moment as the pain he had thought of seeking flooded into his system, running down familiar, dried-out paths, like a flash-flood in a desert valley. With pain came heat, and he grimaced almost ironically as he stood up, ignoring the petite hand that always offered but never received.

Someone asked if he was okay, someone who didn't sound as if he cared. Looking over in the direction of the voice, Yuu saw fake-Lavi. It was becoming easier to tell the difference between the two. Real-Lavi held himself a bit more centered, while fake-Lavi liked to slouch and carry himself as if he had a too-large weight on his shoulders. Fake-Lavi never had a sparkle in his eye, though he could act convincingly enough that most people easily overlooked that, interacted with him and saw what they wanted to see. But Yuu was an artist. He saw the absent spark, the absent life. Real-Lavi had it. Real-Lavi had it in such abundance that at first it had blinded Yuu. The change was so prominent and real that he had known at once that they were different people. The most obvious difference, though, was that real-Lavi didn't smile. Instead, real-Lavi shivered and shook, sobbed like a little kid, ate each bite of a frozen, left-over salad with reverence, as if each forkful could be his last. Real-Lavi had ghosts in his eye, phantoms all around him. They sought release during the night when fake-Lavi was shed and all that could be there was real-Lavi.

Yuu shook his head infinitesimally. _No, Lavi_ , he tried to say with his eyes and expression, _I'm not alright. Can we talk about this later?_

Lavi blinked, and real-Lavi stared back for just half a moment before the fake version covered him once more. Yuu understood the message. _You bet your fucking ass we are._

The Japanese boy was slightly shocked. Real-Lavi had horrible language, but Yuu had no room to talk.

Someone led him into the tiny Greek restaurant. Apparently, they didn't need reservations because they didn't wait long. Either that or Yuu was losing time again, as was typical after one of his "episodes," as the doctors called them.

He only caught snatches of events throughout the meal. Lenalee was talking animatedly with _Moyashi_ about something, Daisya was hugging Marie at the opposite end of the table, with Miranda looking on in something akin to horror and embarrassment. Tiedoll was staring at Yuu with those horrible, concerned eyes, and Lavi--well, Lavi was eating. Quietly. He wasn't real-Lavi, per se, but he wasn't quite fake-Lavi, either. He was like a completely separate entity--empty like Fake, but quiet like Real. With horror mirroring the look in Tiedoll's pitying eyes, Yuu realized what Lavi was reminding him of. Short and wiry; long, jagged hair; and a pair of hooded, blackened eyes. Lavi was Bookman. But then that was gone as well, and the evening whirled on, following a pattern that reminded Yuu of the sidewalk's kaleidoscope as it meandered in and out of the pools of light.

He vaguely became aware that he was moving, this time in a car. Tiedoll was saying something to him, but he couldn't understand it. Then he was seated on his bed and Tiedoll was gone. He was alone, which was good, because he needed to get back to his senses. He didn't spare a thought as to where Lavi might be, only caring about the razor blade hidden under his blankets and tantalizingly within reach.

He didn't care that Lavi could walk in at any moment—the boy had told him that he didn't have to leave, and Yuu knew the redhead wouldn't stop him, so it was okay to do this in the room. He drew the utility knife from its place and delicately traced the light shadows of his veins with it, not drawing blood, only contemplating the best way to make it _hurt_. Today was not a perpendicular day; it was too cold and there were too many faces for it to be a perpendicular day. Placing the thick blade at the base of his wrist, Yuu pressed deeply into flesh, relishing in the sweet clarity that resulted from tendon, muscle, and bone being rent with the dull edge. The tendon snapped like a taught rubber band. Blood began to spill over the jagged line of his wound, cascading down his forearm like a tainted river of heat. It felt like all the horrible chains, flowers, and people had never existed, had never invaded his little suburban life. It felt like all the fear, all the paranoia, and all the hidden emotions had never had to happen. It was like he was back with his parents in their little traditional house on their little traditional street, with their little mediocre life.

The blade had reached the bottom of his forearm, scraping across the bones of his elbow, causing another sweet shot of agony to sweep across his brain. He pulled the knife away from his seeping appendage to inspect the damage. Cold. Cold was seeping into his wound. Healing it, freezing it shut with a million icicles, too fast to be normal, too fast not to remind him of why he saw lotuses. It was still too much; he needed more of the achingly clarifying pain. Bringing the blade up to his wrist once again, he sliced the flesh once more. This time, it was unobstructed by tendon and muscle so there was only the wet, gritty scrape of metal to bone. He pressed the blade in deeper, shredding the marrow. There was a lot of blood now. It was coating his rolled sleeves, his dark pants, and the soft blue of his sheets. There was no sound save for his calm, even breathing.

And then the door opened. Not that it mattered to Yuu at that moment, but Lavi walked in, shutting the door and shouting a quick good-bye to whoever he had been talking to. The redhead turned around, just as Yuu was bringing the blade back up to his wrist. He turned his gaze away from his roommate, choosing a point at which to start and sinking the blade deliciously back through his skin, scraping it across bone once more as it snapped more tendons, destroyed more blood vessels. He didn't need them, not right now. He didn't need to see Lavi's face go from one of fake-happiness to one of unmistakable horror. It was like those stupid drama masks the Greeks liked. He felt dizzy and delirious, but he brought his blade back to his wrist once more, wanting to switch arms to even out the pain, bring about more throbbing, but knowing his forearm had not yet healed enough to allow such movement.

He stabbed himself harshly this time, testing the very range of the blade itself. He was so far to the left of his limb that it went right through skin, missing bone and muscle and all the things that induced more pain. But he did feel the sweet, welcome _agony_ that blew heat into his freezing arm via his favorite red messenger.

Words flowed around him, trying to thaw his frozen heart and mind. "Yuu!" A voice screamed, though it sounded more like a muffled stage-whisper, like someone had stuffed cotton in his ears. Pain rippled in his wound, and the world was warm, so very warm, _hot_. _Burning_. It felt so pleasant. The faces probably wouldn't even—

And then reality snapped firmly back into place and Yuu realized what he was doing, where he was, and who he was with. With a surprised yelp, he pressed himself back into the wall, feeling warmth as something burning and sticky trickled down the back of his head. The smell of blood was all around him, familiar as a blanket one had as a child. It swathed him in a tight cocoon as he tried desperately to go back to his fuzzy little world, the world where faces and chains and shears didn't matter. He tried to go back to the world where Lavi's face wasn't dangerously close to his, where he knew what to think and feel and believe, where there was a warmth that wasn't associated with pain. But he couldn't. He never could. And Lavi's eye was showing depths of worry that couldn't be anything but real.

"What the fuck are you doing on my bed?" Yuu hissed.

\---

Kanda had been nearly despondent since they had left the French restaurant. Lavi tried not to notice, but perception was his job, and he saw everything. He saw the way fear and panic ripped through the Japanese boy's eyes as the manager mistook his gender. He saw the brief moment of recognition as Kanda stopped his blade far too close to the quivering Frenchman's arm. He heard the screams rip themselves, unknown, from the boy's throat as he held his hands to his head. He wanted to call the boy's name, so he did. And then Lavi watched him as the evening wore on, as he fell roughly to the ground, as Kanda went completely limp while they waited for nearly three hours to get a table, as the Japanese boy didn't order any food, forcing Tiedoll to do it for him, as the redhead's roommate left his food completely untouched. He looked beyond Kanda, though, to the eyes and faces of those he called his family.

Tiedoll did nothing more than stare at him, eyes worried, as he picked at his own food. Daisya, Miranda, and Marie all tried to make merry, but Lavi saw the many looks they threw back at Kanda when they thought no one was looking. But Lavi was always looking. Lenalee had been bad, though, never taking her eyes off the Japanese boy, watching him like a hawk. At one point, Lavi had even caught _Moyashi_ blatantly staring.

The crimson-haired man that Kanda had called Cross, who had joined them just before Kanda’s episode, leaned over to Tiedoll and muttered something that Lavi supposed was meant to be private. It was all the more important, then, that he catch it.

"He hasn't had an episode that bad in years, not since just after he was released from the hospital, right?"

Tiedoll nodded gravely, taking a conservative sip of his red wine as his red-haired companion downed his own and rudely asked the waiter for more. Immediately, Lavi wondered the implications. The way Kanda had been grabbing his head, the way Lavi had recognized his self-injury, led him to believe that the Japanese boy probably had a psychological affliction. Depression, perhaps, but the way the boy had stared at him seemed somehow... off. Lavi ran through his lists of more severe psychoses. Multiple Personalities was out; it was too rare, and it didn't seem to fit. On the other hand, a panic disorder seemed too common, too... easy. It had to be something else. It wasn't bipolar disorder, as Lavi had never seen the boy on a "high." Post-traumatic stress disorder, maybe, but that also seemed too simple. Yuu was not a simple boy... unless... but schizophrenia didn't seem right, either.

He'd have to keep watching, keep observing. If there was one thing Bookman had taught him, it was to have as much information as possible before drawing any conclusions. Normally, that didn't matter for him, but in this case, it did, and he would use the advice to his advantage. He chattered away in the car ride back, keeping a close eye on Yuu's responses as he fell right back into 'Lavi.' After all, hadn't he been in his persona all night, excepting that small bit during Kanda's little "episode," as Cross had called it.

They walked into the room, and Kanda moved mechanically over to his bed. Lavi watched him as he stilled, his posture slightly huddled, rather than its normal ramrod straight position. Kanda's eyes were blank, floating even, and the redhead was sure the boy would not make any movement unless he came to awareness, which had happened less and less often as the night had proceeded. As Tiedoll made to leave, Lavi grabbed the man's arm, shooting him a significant look.

Kanda's guardian led them from the room, closing the door quietly, with care. They walked out to the kitchenette, and noting that no eavesdroppers were in the vicinity, Lavi sat down on the nearest couch, a bit disappointed at the lack of comfort the furniture instilled in him.

"I will tell you straight out, Tiedoll," Lavi said, knowing that even his persona would be serious in this situation and taking advantage of it. "I'm fucking terrified of what happened tonight. I heard Cross—" the frizzy-haired man had introduced him around once they'd been settled in the Greek restaurant, "—telling you that this has happened before. Er, I don't mean to pry, but is Yuu okay?"

Another thing he had learned from Bookman was to be very straightforward with his questions first. If that method failed, he could always try subterfuge and, well, other methods that still sickened Lavi to consider. Anything for information, Bookman had said. At this moment, Lavi believed he could never feel like he understood more.

Tiedoll shrugged, looking away and to the left as he considered what story to tell. It was obvious he was considering truth, but Lavi knew the man was very caring, especially toward his charges, and would try to do what Kanda wanted as much as possible. At that second, Lavi realized he would probably have to pull the scared roommate card, and his stomach twinged at the very idea. It felt like he was cheating. But that was what being a Bookman was all about, he supposed. Tiedoll's face finally came to some kind of resolution, and the Frenchman looked up, catching Lavi's gaze.

"Yes," he said heavily, looking very reluctant to speak at all. "Yuu-kun has had such... I hate to call them 'episodes,' it sounds too medical, but 'attacks,' maybe?"

It was obvious the man was hedging. Lavi would have to try another route, another angle. "Are they... severe?" He asked, trying to sound innocent. "I'm just worried about him is all," he added quickly, raising a hand in what he knew was a convincing act of concern and reassurance as to his intentions. Perhaps that would loosen the middle-aged man's tongue.

Tiedoll surveyed the room, looking anywhere but at Lavi for quite a while. When he looked back once more, his gaze was hardened, almost. "They are sometimes. I think tonight was fairly bad for him, but I don't have a clue what set it off. They're usually small things, things we don't usually notice. I don't think you have to worry about him, though." At this, Tiedoll smiled almost fatherly at him before continuing. "Yuu-kun's attacks are few and far between. He hasn't had one in over three years."

Lavi nodded speculatively, schooling his expression into something akin to concerned confusion. "What does he have?"

Be blunt, Bookman said. Lavi was blunt.

Tiedoll uncomfortably rearranged himself in the armchair he had chosen to occupy. He didn't answer.

"Sorry," Lavi said, realizing he'd pushed it too far and backtracking.

"It's just fine; I know you're only concerned for him," Tiedoll said genially. It hurt Lavi to say what he had to say next.

"I really don't mean to pry, it's just that... well..." He hesitated just enough to make the Frenchman lean in, curious and wary, wondering what Lavi had to say and hoping he wouldn't say what he was about to. But Lavi hesitated a bit more, enough to have Tiedoll gesture for him to go on. It was the perfect way to make it seem innocent, as if he really, _really_ didn't want to offend. In the deepest rut of his soul, he didn't. "I... just need to know... God, I really don't want to say this—" he didn't. Why was he even saying it? "—but..."

"Go on," Tiedoll said, making an almost impatient "get on with it" gesture.

"I... just need to know he's not gonna..." Lavi lowered his voice, looking around to see if anyone else was in the room, hoping that Tiedoll would take that as even more reluctance. "...attack me or anything. Y'know, in the night or somethin'."

He immediately regretted his words. They made the poor, middle-aged man's face crumble at the implication, probably knowing that he couldn't promise that, probably knowing that he'd have to say something in assurance and hating himself for having to let "Yuu-kun's" trust fall down the cosmic toilet hole of life. It hurt Lavi to break that trust. He knew the Frenchman had probably gone through a lot of effort to obtain it. Lavi had watched the Japanese boy enough to know that he did not give out such absolute trust easily—and it was obvious, despite his exterior of distant hatred, that Kanda trusted the man, possibly with his life. It hurt to know that the Frenchman would never gain it again. Kanda's trust was a brittle one. Lavi had sensed that, known it from his immediate gut feeling about the boy.

It seemed Tiedoll was struggling for words. "I cannot tell you what you want to know," he said finally, his speech slow and pained, as if he had wanted to say more but just couldn't force himself to.

"No, no, it's okay," Lavi said, raising his palms so they faced the man in the universal "sorry, didn't mean to offend, I'm backing down now" gesture. He couldn't get information from the man, but he could still—

The door opened, emitting a girl that Lavi recalled was in his German class, along with Christian down the hall. Her name was Lizzie, if he remembered correctly—which, of course, he did. That meant it was time to wrap things up with Tiedoll.

"I'm really sorry. Of course he won't. I'm just being paranoid—it's what the Old Panda always tells me, so I'm sorry if I... anyway, do you know if I can help him at all?" He asked, standing up and going through a different door, the one they'd originally come through. Tiedoll took the cue and followed him down the hall.

"I don't know. Yuu-kun is not usually open with people. He probably won't say anything. He's never had a friend before, so I don't really know what to tell you." Tiedoll shrugged helplessly, obviously at a loss.

"Wow," Lavi said, adopting a smile with ease. "I'm honored. Yuu-chan's first friend. Well, sir, don't worry, I'll keep 'im all nice and safe for you! Why don'tcha go back home, and I'll give you a call—if you'd give me your number, that'd be great—later, say, tomorrow, and I'll tell ya how he's doin'." As he spoke, he fished his phone from his pants pocket and started heading toward the contact book. He waited for Tiedoll to recite his number and plugged in the digits with quick, skilled fingers. Tiedoll looked relieved, and Lavi smiled and waved after him as he opened the door, shouting a quick good-bye. He turned back to face the room and froze, taking in every detail as he normally did.

The first thing he noticed was the palpable wall of the stench of blood hitting his nostrils and making him dizzy. The second was Kanda. He was sitting on the bed, an almost demonic glint in his eyes, as blood poured profusely from his arm, seeping through clothes and sheets and—fuck, it was even dripping onto the tile beneath his _mattress_. That would be a pain to clean up. A long-bladed utility knife was in his hand, and he was cutting away _parallel_ to his forearm. Lavi heard what he hoped wasn't the squeaking screech of metal meeting bone. And then Yuu's face contorted into something Lavi did not want to see as the Japanese boy plunged the knife through his arm. Lavi felt his persona shatter from his mind as he let the door slam behind him. He ran to Yuu's bed, half vaulting onto it and landing right next to Kanda's outstretched legs. He wasn't against the wall, but he was more toward the middle of the bed, farther back than he'd been when Lavi had left him.

"Yuu!" Lavi screamed, dimly aware that he had probably attracted Tiedoll's attention. All thoughts were gone, running too fast to do anything but fog his mind with a dizzy haze. He wrestled the blade from the Japanese boy's surprisingly strong grasp, scratching at fingers and knuckles to achieve his goal. He pulled the bleeding arm out, trying to assess the damage. Kanda smiled as Lavi's finger accidentally slipped into one of his wounds, squelching around in the gore and blood inside.

Fighting back the urge to vomit, Lavi squeezed down, glaring at the other boy. "You want pain, Yuu-chan?" He hissed, moving his finger around so that it was playing against a miraculously uncut tendon. Kanda's smile deepened. And then he yelped and crashed backward, cracking his head loud enough on the wall for Lavi to be concerned. The redhead leaned forward, wanting to inspect the damage, but Yuu's eyes focused on him, and all Lavi could see in them was fear. It was an almost animalistic fear, one that forced the boy back into the wall, skinny form shaking as he huddled against what he must have thought was safe.

"What the fuck are you doing on my bed?" Kanda hissed, and he tried to move. Lavi caught the boy's arms, wincing as the boy growled in pain, and effectively pinned the boy against his chest. Kanda struggled, clawing at fabric and skin and anything he could to get away, but Lavi held him fast, not letting him move, whispering soothing, comforting things he had never thought himself capable of saying.

And Yuu deflated, hung against him as if he had given up the fight. Lavi held him tighter, not quite trusting the lack of movement but also trying to give comfort, to soothe. "Shh, Yuu, it's okay," he said, repeating it like a mantra. Kanda shook in his arms, at one point letting out a whimper. Eventually, he fell silent, though Lavi knew the boy wasn't asleep.

Sighing, Lavi pulled his phone from his back pocket. He made to dial the police to get an ambulance, but a hand shot out and threw the phone clear across the room before the first button was even pressed.

"I don't need an ambulance. I'm fine." Yuu's voice was soft and muffled, probably from being stuffed against Lavi's shirt.

"Yuu-chan, you’re bleeding everywhere; I need to get you to the hospital before you die!" There was a scoffing noise and Yuu pushed himself away from Lavi. The redhead kept a firm hold on the other boy, although there was no real reason too, Lavi felt he _needed_ to keep a hold of Yuu.

"I do not need help. See?" Yuu held up his mutilated forearm, which was still coated in a thick layer of blood. The boy raised his other arm and smoothed it down the underside. There was no large gaping wound, only a thin line of broken skin, and soon, right before Lavi's eye that, too, was gone, only to be replaced by a thin, white scar.

Lavi couldn't think. This was an impossible situation. Impossible didn't compute in a Bookman's mind, there had to be a logical explanation for this... phenomenon. Lavi's mind went to the first, most obvious conclusion. Had this been some sort of horrible practical joke? No, there was no way that someone could fake that kind of wound, or pretend to cut themselves that deeply. The second option was that maybe the wound hadn't been as bad as it seemed when Lavi had first arrived. Maybe his emotional self had overreacted and hallucinated. But that also didn't seem right because “Lavi” was still there to make judgments for him. The third option was...

"This is what the Lotus does. Every time it shakes, it’s healing you, isn't it? I didn't notice the shaking tonight because you had put it away. I guess I had already figured it out, but I just needed proof..." Lavi was stunned at the fact that his unbelievable hypothesis had actually been correct. Real-Lavi, on the other hand, was still petrified. He pulled Yuu in again, embracing him close even though the Japanese boy tensed at the continued contact.

"I'm not gonna hurtchya," Lavi promised, moving his arms to the boy's sides in an attempt to make him feel less trapped. And amazingly, Kanda relaxed—slowly, naturally, but he relaxed. They spent a few moments in comfortable silence, listening to the other breathe.

"You wanna tell me what happened today?" Lavi asked quietly, smoothing a hand over the Japanese boy's hair. Kanda stiffened for a moment but relaxed again, shifting his head so that it rested its full weight on Lavi's shoulder.

"I got disoriented," Kanda whispered, and Lavi knew at once that he wouldn't get anything else out of the dark-haired boy. Running his fingers through the boy's hair in what he hoped was a soothing manner, Lavi nodded, allowing the subject to drop.

"Y'know, I don't remember much from before I was six—it’s all real vague," Lavi said in a hushed voice, as if speaking loudly would break whatever emotional spell he was under. The boy in his arms grunted in a way that Lavi was sure translated to _continue_. "Sometimes, I get all disoriented because I'll get a small flash of my time before it. I know I was on the streets—that's where Bookman found me—and I think I was with some people, but I don't really remember much. Is that what happened to you?"

Kanda shook his head against Lavi's shoulder and brought a hand to fist at the hem of the redhead's shirt. "I see... things," he responded, his voice as quiet as Lavi's. That added to the apprentice Bookman's theories about mental disorder, but it still didn't seem quite right, even though all evidence currently pointed toward it. Maybe, if he asked, Kanda would tell him just what it is that he saw.

"What kinda things do you see?" He tried to sound as innocent as he could—he didn't want the boy to know that he was psychoanalyzing him. It looked to Lavi like Kanda had noticed because he pulled back. But then he did something unexpected: he reached under his blanket and pulled out one of his notebooks, handing it to Lavi.

It was the first time Kanda had ever let him see what was inside it. Not that Lavi hadn't looked while the boy was away, but it felt like Kanda was giving him something that implied a large amount of trust. That was bad because trust was something that also implied that he could never tell anyone what was held in the pages of this notebook, and Lavi knew he didn't want to break that trust. For some reason, he felt that having Yuu's trust was far more important than telling Bookman, even if it meant pain for him later.

Lavi opened the worn notebook to the first page. This was different than the one he had looked through, and Lavi wondered when Yuu had begun drawing it. The first picture was surprisingly nice; there were two people sitting at a table, smiling at him. They both had exceptionally black hair, a light golden touch to their skin, and something that could only be described as _happiness_ in their eyes. The family resemblance was uncanny. It was obvious that these two people were Yuu's parents. Flipping to the next page, there was nothing but shadowed half-there faces in what looked like a whorling mist. The faces were indistinct and almost could have been a trick of the eye, but they were definitely there. It disturbed Lavi greatly, though there was nothing overtly threatening about the faces. The next page was blank, save for a single pink lotus. It was an exact—and Lavi knew from having looked at the lotus himself—copy, down to every fold and crease of the petals. Even the same disturbing aura that surrounded the real thing seemed to have been transferred onto the page. Lavi turned the page quickly, coming face to face with the features of an older man. He must have been in his late sixties, was balding, and had a strange mole on his forehead above his right eyebrow. The man would have seemed friendly, had it not been for the blood spatters that covered the left side of his face, dripping down into the vacant oblivion that was the empty section of the page. This man bore no resemblance to Yuu, so Lavi asked the question, "Yuu, who is this?"

The Japanese boy looked at him gravely, and answered him matter-of-factly, "That is the man who killed my parents."

\---


	4. Perfect Disguise

Chapter Four—Perfect Disguise

__Peace, if one defines that concept as a state of tranquility or mutual accord, is not likely to break out in this world.

\--- John Mearsheimer

Lavi tried not to stare. "Say what?" He asked. He had known that something had happened to separate Kanda from his parents, but he hadn't expected murder to be the cause.

"He was our gardener—took the shears and murdered my parents in their sleep. I was in the room while it happened," Kanda explained. Something about his tone bothered Lavi, like the Japanese boy was purposefully blocking his emotions. There should have been something. Anger, grief, anything. But there was nothing, a void that made Lavi's chest feel hollow as it made a little throbbing flip.

"Then why didn't he...?" Lavi asked, gesturing helplessly with a hand as he tried to speak the last two words. _Kill you?_

Kanda made a shrugging motion, his fisted hand holding the material of Lavi's shirt tighter. "I don't know. He looked at me, right after he plunged the shears through my mother's chest and opened them, and he gave me a strange look. And then he dropped the shears and ran. I was there, he heard me scream, but I wasn't killed." His voice was still so empty, though Lavi thought he heard a hint of bitterness when he spoke of his mother and something akin to confusion at the end. He felt a movement from Kanda's forehead—still against his shoulder—and assumed it was the boy lowering his eyebrows, though he couldn't be completely sure. It would fit with the scene currently playing out, though.

"You don't know why," Lavi stated, wrapping his arms around Yuu's back. The boy shuddered into him, and for some reason, Lavi's stomach felt light, buoyant. When Kanda shook his head, Lavi held the boy tighter, letting him get all the tremors of long-repressed memory out of his body.

"He just... left me alive," Kanda finally murmured a few minutes later, his voice stronger and wavering less than it had before.

"I'm glad you're alive," Lavi said quietly, surprising himself with how genuine those words were. The Japanese boy tensed slightly in his arms before relaxing once more, and Lavi was starting to feel that he understood the boy's automatic reactions a bit better. The tension that had just run through the dark-haired boy's body probably had nothing to do with what he had lived through. It was more like he was trying to show that he had heard Lavi. But there was something underneath it, something dark that Lavi couldn't quite understand.

Kanda didn't respond, but he didn't move, either, and Lavi took that as a good sign. A few minutes passed in silence until Kanda sat up and inched away from Lavi. The Japanese boy did not meet his gaze.

"Your wrist looks swollen, you should put ice on it. The same goes for your eye." With that, Kanda stood up, grabbed his towel and shower caddy, and left the room. Lavi tried not to stare at the blood still running down the boy's loose-fitting pants and tight, blue shirt. He left a few stains on his way out, and Lavi quickly grabbed out a few towels and the large popcorn bowl he'd brought. Running into the bathroom after his roommate, Lavi filled the bowl with water and returned to the room, where he began to scrub at the floor, rubbing it clean. He stripped Kanda's bed and sanitized his mattress. By the time the boy had returned, Lavi himself was covered in blood, but the mattress was drying off and a clean pair of bed sheets was on one of Kanda's bookshelves.

"Go bathe—you look hideous," Kanda said, reaching into his closet and producing a worn tee-shirt and a baggy pair of pants. Lavi recognized them as the articles Yuu often wore to bed, though the redhead had yet to see his roommate actually _sleep_. His roommate was always awake when he fell asleep and was always awake when Lavi awoke at seven every morning. Perhaps he suffered nightmares, ones that only complete exhaustion would keep at bay. It wouldn't surprise him. After all, Lavi suffered from nightmares as well. He looked down absently, deep in thought. Realizing just how much blood he had on him, Lavi decided to take Kanda's advice.

As he scrubbed the dried blood from his arms, Lavi began to consider the new information he had received. Kanda's parents had been murdered, he had watched, he was traumatized by those events. But something just didn't add up in this strange equation. Yuu seemed like a strong person; would his parents' murders have possibly been enough to send him over the edge into the depression he was suffering? Something didn't seem right. There were too many unknowns remaining, like the faces in the mist, the chains, the dark colored pages, and most importantly, the lotus. There was something else that Yuu wasn't telling him; something far darker lay in the black-haired boy's past, something that had truly scarred him beyond repair. There had to be more to this story, the missing piece of the puzzle had to be somewhere, had to be explained in the way the boy acted. Lavi would have to be much more observant. Deep inside his mind, somewhere between his persona and Bookman, a presence shifted uncomfortably. His true personality was becoming too hard to control, and Lavi didn't like it, and it felt like his true self had similar feelings. Lavi grimaced as he felt his control slip away to be replaced with its too-caring counterpart.

Lavi stared at the white tile of the shower. He couldn't believe what his persona wanted him to do.

"No," he told himself, "I will not be writing that in my logs. I'm keeping that from Bookman because he doesn't need to know. I promised. I promised Yuu that I wouldn't tell. So I won't." He felt like the inside of his skull had been kicked, and after a slight moment of dizziness, he felt objectivity try to gain control, but Lavi wasn't going to let it. He didn't want his persona here, not now, he was in control, like he was supposed to be. He felt "Lavi" rebel again. This time the dizziness didn't hit nearly as hard. That was a good sign.

Upon his return to the room, Lavi noticed that Yuu was, as he always was at night, drawing. He wondered if Yuu would show him his drawings willingly now that Lavi knew a little bit about the boy's past.

"What'cha drawin', Yuu-chan?" Lavi asked, trying not to sound like his persona, but not trying to sound too somber.

Yuu looked up from his sketchpad, and much to Lavi's surprise, he turned the book towards the redhead.

Lavi couldn't think. It was perhaps the most surprising thing he had ever seen. He had expected a dark, twisted scene, but instead, he got rabbits. Or rabbit, in this case. It was as detailed as any photograph; the little orange-furred creature was sitting up on its hind legs, being all... what was the word? Ah, yes, adorable. But just the fact that Yuu had drawn a rabbit, of all things, confused Lavi to no end.

"Yuu, why a rabbit? I don't get it. Were you attacked by some huge rabbit at some point in your childhood?"

Yuu looked at Lavi with an expression that mirrored Lavi's inner confusion. "No, I just... like rabbits."

That did squat for Lavi's comprehension. During the few weeks they'd known each other, Kanda had never mentioned—or drawn—anything about rabbits.

There was a tearing sound and Lavi looked at the Japanese boy, who was sitting on the floor rather than his soaked bed. He was holding out a piece of paper, and when Lavi took it, he saw it was the picture of the rabbit. Now he was even more confused.

"Why are you giving me this?" He asked, confusion burning a hole in his mind and beckoning for "Lavi" to return. He fought it off, feeling another sharp, mental kick somewhere at his right temple.

Yuu simply shrugged and went back to whatever new image he was drawing. Lavi leaned over the mattress, stretching his neck so he could see what the Japanese boy was drawing. It was only a few vague lines at the moment, but a few minutes later, Lavi was watching a swirling pattern being formed on the page. He tore his head away as he remembered that that pattern matched the one on the sidewalk that night. Lavi remembered everything, regardless of who was in charge of his mind, and his eye was so sharp, so strong, that it was impossible to miss such an obvious detail. That was why Bookman had chosen him, after all. Or that was what the old man had said when Lavi, young and naïve and called Thomas at the time, had asked. He couldn't help but think that there was more to it, more criteria that Bookman would teach him about later, before the old panda finally croaked it.

Lavi went back to his dresser, his hair dripping down on his clothes as he located a pair of boxers and his battered old tee-shirt that he used at night. Pulling them on quickly, he reached for his towel again and dried his hair while trying not to dislodge his eye patch, just as he did every night. Sighing, Lavi grabbed his toothbrush and made to head back to the bathroom. In truth, he was still fighting his persona's bucking presence in his head, trying to prevail over the urges the hyperactive idiot was sending to him. _Do your logs_ , his persona said, _do them now. Screw hygiene, just do your logs. Write about Yuu-chan. You know you want to. Bookman will be—_

With a great force of will, Lavi shut the thoughts off, glaring into his reflection in the mirror. When he returned to do his logs, he wrote only that he had gone to dinner with Yuu's family. He listed the expected details but made no mention of Kanda's little "episode."

That night, his persona and objective self attacked him mercilessly. He didn't sleep well. Not that he did usually. But it was different this time, and when Lavi finally awoke from his uneasy sleep the next morning, it was to a pounding headache and slight photosensitivity. Even his roommate's soft, even breathing—it was the first time Lavi had ever seen him _asleep_ —sounded like a raging storm. It felt like he had a mild hangover.

\---

If Lavi had thought his day was bad when he first woke up, he was badly mistaken. His day was a nightmare. It had started with him tripping loudly over his large pile of textbooks in an inattentive moment. "Lavi" had yelled at him mercilessly, increasing his headache. The whole situation wouldn't have been so bad had Lavi not instinctively shot his arms out, further injuring his already sprained wrist and waking Yuu with his loud yell of agony. The boy had shot him a glare that clearly stated he was on Kanda's shit list. Limping from the room—his ankle had been hurt in the fall, too—Lavi had gone on to breakfast, only to discover that it was closed that morning due to several cockroaches that had been unearthed behind one of the many stoves. With a frustrated sigh, Lavi had gone to his first class, his stomach protesting its lack of nourishment.

Still limping, he entered his third class of the day. Normally, he would have shouted some sort of greeting in German to his professor, since this was his German class, but today his heart—make that his persona—just wasn't into it. He sat himself in his usual seat next to the window and waited for class to start.

"Lavi!" A high, sweet voice called.

He looked up from the desk in time to see the girl who normally sat next to him walk in, her hand in the air like she was waving. He smiled pleasantly at her as she sat down next to him, taking out a notebook.

"So Lavi, the girls and I are going to this party this weekend. It's at Tyki Mikk's house. You know, the Senior Frat President at Alpha Omega Upsilon—he invited me 'cause I hang with his sister, Road. So, you wanna come? I could hook you up with one my friends!"

Lavi thought about it, it would be the perfect opportunity to record the college party scene. That was one of the things Bookman had told him to record, so he should go, but somewhere in the back of his brain he knew he really didn't want to go. Lizzie was nice, but her friends were always hitting on him.

"Sure, Lizzie, I'd love to go! What time?" He plastered on his "Lavi" grin and tried to sound like his usual over-enthusiastic self, but it came out slightly off, but only slightly—no one except he and Bookman would have noticed.

"We'll be over at nine tomorrow. This is gonna be great!" Lizzie exclaimed, her eyes tensing for just a moment as if she had noticed that Lavi's comment was just a little bit different but then dismissing it as something insignificant.

Or it could have been because the pervert from down the hall that she'd been complaining about walked into the room and shot her an openly lusty look. Lavi rolled his eye and turned back to Lizzie, sending her another smile, one he wasn't sure if he meant or not.

"You know the room number," he said easily, falling right back into his persona. The headache disappeared immediately. The girl nodded, her smile returning, and she gazed down at her notebook.

Bookman had been on his case about actually learning about college life. As partying was a huge part, Lavi had to attend several and learn the social dynamics of them all. So far, he'd been in his room, writing his logs and studying. Bookman had been berating him, so Lavi supposed that it was high time he actually went out and started observing again. After all, he was only going to be young and useless once.

By lunchtime, though, Lavi was convinced his day was miserable. His headache had come and gone, announcing when he was slipping. Which was surprisingly often. The fact that he couldn't stay in this one persona grated at his nerves at the same time that it made him feel free and something very warm and explosive in the pit of his chest.

And for some reason, he couldn't stop thinking about damn rabbits.

He ate slowly, trying to soothe his raging thoughts, tame them so that he could continue through his day in a tiny bubble of objectivity. He supposed that he was meditating, in a way. Just like Kanda—

And there he was, back to the beginning, his objectivity completely shattered. Something about Kanda just made him... _care_. The boy's eyes, always staring through any disguise he threw up to shield himself; the boy's hair, swiftly floating behind him as it moved with his smooth gait; the boy's lips, eternally pulled down into a sardonic frown; the boy's accumulated muscle, wiry and almost dancing under the smooth, soft flesh. Lavi thought of them all, imagined ways to accidentally-on-purpose brush up against Yuu so that he could feel just how creamy smooth his skin was, to have that gaze focused solely on him.

And now he was late to class, Lavi realized as he noticed the tide of the dining hall had changed. Most of the students were gone. Out of curiosity, the apprentice Bookman had stayed out of classes for a day and had instead observed the dining hall. He had concluded that it was very empty—and closed—at three o'clock. Hastily checking his watch, Lavi nearly choked on the bite of sandwich he'd been working on. It was almost half after the hour. His class ended in twenty minutes, and it took fifteen to get there. Sighing, Lavi stood up, taking his sandwich with him, and strode lazily toward his four o'clock history class.

\---

_September 12_

He wasn't really sure what to wear, and Kanda stared at him with increasing impatience as he paced about the room, weighing the pros and cons of each outfit under his breath.

"You sound like Lenalee—shut up," Kanda growled, fingering the hilt of his sword as Lavi once again passed by the dark-haired boy's bed.

He heard what sounded like an extremely annoyed scoff and the sound of a mattress being depressed as he stared at the clothes lying on his unmade bed.

"I just can't figure out what to wear!" Lavi exclaimed, throwing his arms up into the air in exasperation.

Hearing a small sigh that just barely tickled the hairs at the nape of his neck, the redhead realized that there was another body rather close to his, and he turned quickly to see that his black-haired roommate had stood and walked over to him. He was even more startled to see the boy select his green button-up shirt and a pair of jeans. He then shoved the articles into the surprised boy's chest.

"Wear this, it matches." That was what Yuu said before walking back to his side of the room, still glaring at Lavi.

"It matches what?" Lavi asked, pulling on his shirt and stepping into his pants. Looking up, he received another glare from Yuu, one that told him it was best not to dwell on such trivialities. It also meant that "Lavi" would want to pursue the topic. His head ached as he repressed the urge.

"You look constipated," Yuu observed dryly at the other side of the room. It was Lavi's turn to scowl.

"Are you saying it matches my feces?" The redhead asked sarcastically, his headache lessening slightly. He breathed in a small sigh of relief and ignored the dark-haired boy's bewildered expression.

"If you're constipated, how does feces relate?" Kanda replied, his voice light, though it still held a gruff undertone, like he was both disturbed and confused at the direction the conversation had taken. Lavi hoped he hadn't inadvertently triggered a bad memory in the boy, but his persona put a halt to that feeling, crashing down over his psyche and taking his feeble place as the dominant personality.

"Well, thank ya, Yuu-chan. And to answer your question, no clue." There was a knock at the door, and Lavi couldn't help but be glad he was escaping from the room. The atmosphere was descending into the pits of awkwardness, and he didn't want to stay for that. It would invariably lead to something a lot deeper. That wasn't what he wanted or needed at the moment. Right now, he needed to record the college party scene, to learn more about drinking, inebriation, and being a stupid college student. Opening the door, he plastered a huge, plastic grin on his face. "Good to see ya, ladies. My, my, you're looking fabulous tonight. And I get to have you both on my arms. Strike!"

Without so much as a backward glance at his disgruntled roommate—his real personality would peek out of the tiny corner where he had taken up residence, and Yuu would invariably see the pleading look he gave, which would in turn force a reaction out of the dark-haired boy, resulting in Lavi's inevitable choice to stay—Lavi shut the door behind him, linking elbows with the two girls in a pompous manner. The look in his eye had never been faker.

\---

Flashing lights, booming music, and the stench of booze surrounded him in a cornucopia of bass and sweat and chatter. People all around him were dancing, grinding up on one another like one big, music-induced orgy. The cups of cheap ale in their hands made Lavi's head light and fuzzy, and he wasn't surprised to find one shoved into his hands. Paranoia and basic safety forced Lavi to place it on the nearest surface he could find. In this case, it was a beer pong table. A nearby frat boy picked it up and, without regard for who it had previously belonged to, downed it. Inside his mind, the redhead scoffed at the idiot. It could have been poisoned or laced with any number of date rape drugs.

The girls on his arms split from him, claiming to want drinks and that they would return momentarily. Ignoring the heavy beat of the bass as much as he could—it was wreaking havoc with his oversensitive Bookman-trained ears—he walked into the adjacent room. People in here weren't dancing, but there was another beer pong table. Circles of college students laughed uproariously at a joke that Lavi hadn't heard, and in one of them, several people took a shot of what could only be straight vodka, judging by the bottle in the middle. On the couch, a boy and a girl were making out, her skirt lifted up and his hand obviously doing more than just caressing her ass. The redhead felt a ripple of disgust. He didn't want to see that, but the image, like so many, was forever engraved on the permanent, unending slate that was his memory.

Lizzie and her friend returned, looking slightly harassed. Lizzie looked a bit rumpled, her chestnut-red hair a bit askew from what had been an immaculate style. Lavi wasn't sure whether she'd been bothered by anyone or not, but the broad smile on her face as well as the sparkle in her eye hinted that she'd just had a hard time getting through the crowd. For some reason, he felt his chest lighten, as if a tight knot had just relaxed away and melted into nothing. Relieved, his inner mind told him, you feel _relieved_. He didn't know why that was, so he shrugged it off and accepted a green drink from her.

"I saw it mixed myself, so you don't have to worry," the girl said, her smile flashing brighter for a moment. Not wanting to be rude, Lavi smiled back. Bookman had told him not to become inebriated—it clouded both judgment and perception, and Lavi needed both of those to be very, very clear—but part of being at a party was drinking, and even if he didn't record more than his own personal experiences this time, this was a definite necessity of college life. So he sipped on his drink, grimacing as the alcohol—he didn't know what it was, for a change—burned its way down his throat, where it pooled warmly in his stomach. He choked a bit when he tried to take his next breath, spluttering as the drink finished its path through his gullet.

Another girl who had joined their group and who Lavi recognized as Alyssa from his Russian Literature class smiled, stifling a giggle behind a hand. "First time drinking?" She asked, her tone amused. With slightly watering eye, Lavi nodded shamefully.

"Don't worry, hon," Lizzie's friend said, patting him on the arm, "just take another drink. Isn't it delicious?"

The redhead nodded, feeling slightly out of place as he laughed along with them, pretending to become more and more tipsy, even though all the sips he took were small. He knew people tended to have a lower tolerance when they first began drinking, and if he was a lightweight to begin with, he was sure he was being quite realistic in his acting skills. Perhaps he should have just put the drink down, because while observing the goings-on of the group of girls that seemed to have formed around him, he took a rather too large drink and, realizing that he kind of liked it, took another. It was probably the biggest mistake of his life.

Things went a little fast from then on. First he was talking with some of Lizzie's friends. Karla from his Sociology class was there. She was clinging onto his arm like a needy child, leaning over, exposing flesh that he would have preferred stayed hidden, standing on her tip-toes and pulling his face closer to hers.... Lavi had never kissed anyone before—scratch that, none of his personas had kissed before—and from what he had heard from people it was supposed to feel good, but this was sloppy and wet and smelled like strong perfume and cheap vodka. Pushing the offending body away, he fell back onto the couch that had luckily stayed in place while he had been away. Lizzie handed him another drink, one of the same variety he had had before, and he drank it, not wanting to offend the girl.

Things started to skip around then, which he probably should have been worried about, but he couldn't quite bring himself to care at the moment because now there was someone sitting in his lap, their lips sealed to his. Somewhere in the hazy, strobe-lit living room, he recognized the girl as Amy from his World History class. It was perhaps the most awkward moment of his life, having the girl's tongue attacking his tonsils, so he delicately, or as delicately as he could, extracted himself from the couch and pressed against the wall. How had this room become so crowded? Wait. He wasn't in the same room he had been. That was not good, he needed to gather his thoughts, sober up as it were.

There was an arm around his shoulder, he realized. Looking over, a tall, dark-haired man stood smiling at him. Lavi recognized him as the senior football star Tyki Mikk, the person who was supposedly hosting this event. He didn't understand why the curly-haired man was looking at him like that. It made him kind of uncomfortable.

"Hi, you must be Lavi. Lizzie's told me a lot about you. Having a good time?" Tyki's voice was a little too smooth not to arouse suspicion in the back of Lavi's Bookman-trained mind.

"Yeah, great party. I've heard a lot about you, too. Tyki, right?" That was not a normal "Lavi" thing to say, but right now he wasn't sure who he was. Tyki's smile widened at his seeming insecurity.

"That's me. Hey, how about I get you a drink, something better than what you've got there?" Warning bells were going off everywhere in his mind, but they were muted, like he had cotton in his ears. So the warnings were easily ignored, or blasted over, seeing as the music had just been turned up.

"Er, no, I think I'm good. Thanks." Lavi was beginning to feel a bit light-headed.

Leaning against the wall a bit more, he tried to think of a way out of this mess. A way to get away from the pounding bass and drunk women.

"You feeling okay? Here, follow me, let's get away from the DJ."

That seemed like a good idea so Lavi followed the dark-haired man into a smaller room away from the music. It was much quieter here, fewer people too, but it still didn't manage to clear his jumbled thoughts. Just how many drinks had Lizzie given him? Too many, that was for sure, because he couldn't get his mind and mouth to connect as Tyki started running his hands through his red hair.

"You know, you're kind of cute for guy. I mean, I normally don't go for this kind of thing, but hey, if you're willing to try new things, I may be, too." Lavi recognized the innuendo immediately. Why wouldn't his brain work, dammit!?

"I... er. Thanks, but... er... I don't think..." Great job, Lavi, real coherent, now say something that makes sense and stop this guy from leaning that close.

But his brain-mouth connection was severed as Tyki decided to take that opportunity to kiss the redhead. Tyki tasted like cigarettes and rum. Maybe the alcohol was finally starting to wear off, because Lavi could tell this kiss was different from the ones Karla and Amy had decided to force on him. It was better, but also a million times worse, because the curly-haired man's hand had begun to drift dangerously low. Lavi felt himself be pulled farther down into the couch, a strange sensation filling his stomach, and suddenly it all clicked together.

He needed out. Now. This was not one of the rules he was going to break. Pushing Tyki away, Lavi very nearly ran from the room. Finding Lizzie, who, thankfully, was still in the room he had left her in, he ran up to her, his face an obvious picture of panic.

"L-Lavi? Wha' happened?" She was really drunk and so were all her friends.

"I... need to go. Now. Sorry." He really didn't want to have to explain why. Not in public, not with so many people listening.

Lizzie didn't look too upset, but then again, she probably wasn't too aware of her surroundings. Soon enough, she had gathered her friend and they were walking back across campus to the dorm. Thankfully, neither one of the girl's noticed his distress. Because he was on the edge of freaking out and needed to get back to the dorm where he could do it in peace.

Making sure that the two girls made it back safely, though he didn't understand why it mattered, he rushed back to his room, threw the door open, and as it slammed closed, leaned against it like a lifeline. Vaguely, in his drunken state, he noticed Yuu look up from whatever he was doing. Lavi was still too drunk to make out anything he was perceiving, but he knew the Japanese boy could see what a mess he was. Without understanding why or how, as if he had just mysteriously teleported, he was on Kanda's bed, holding onto the boy despite the tension on his face. He heard strange, hyperventilating-esque noises that edged on plaintive whimpers. They were long and loud and very, very strange. It took him a moment before he realized they were coming from him.

Time skipped again, and he was in Yuu's lap, his eye staring up the long-haired boy's nose. Yuu himself looked strange, warped, which the redhead immediately blamed on his obvious drunkenness. Yuu had a strange expression on his face, too, and if Lavi were to guess, he would say it was concern mixed with general disgust, but that couldn't be right, especially since hands were running through his hair again, and it felt even better than it had when Tyki had done it. Something hard hit his face, and he stared up, royally confused, at the dark-haired boy's face. Kanda's hand was upraised. Lavi didn't understand why.

"What happened, idiot?" The boy was saying, though his voice sounded like a badly tuned radio, switching in pitch as it slipped in and out of Lavi's ears.

He could only let out a string of vowels and other weird sounds as he tried to calm his heartbeat. There was another smarting smack on his cheek, but he blinked, not knowing how to react. He let out another round of noise.

"In English," Yuu ordered, a scowl on his alcohol-bent face.

"Neeehhh.... Party... andthe ned leth... the the Tyki and the girls and the... the Tyki! And the drinking and the appletinis and the Tyki!" He exclaimed in a rush, his words slurring together worse than his persona's usually did.

"English, idiot," Yuu reiterated. Lavi shook his head, which made his world spin around, and suddenly, he was in the air and the ground was flying toward his face and—

"Aaaoooww!" Blood ran from his nose, which was throbbing painfully, even through the alcohol-induced stupor. He felt strong arms around his chest, pulling him up and back onto something comfortable. His head was against something more solid, though it was soft and warm, and he could hear a faint noise that sounded really nice and kept coming at an exact interval. He began to count it, and the pulsing in his nose began to synch with it until it was matched exactly. Hands pushed him back until Yuu's face swam into his blurry view.

"Now tell me what happened."

"Tyki... at the party, and all the drinking. Kissing... and... and he with the hands and... I'm an idiot." And for some reason, beyond the comprehension powers of his alcohol-induced confusion, he began to cry. It may have been all the strange emotions floating around his head and making his body react in strange ways. He could still feel a tingling sensation in his slightly swollen lips, left over from Tyki, and the fluttery feeling was still sweeping around his lower stomach, making him jittery and hot and sweaty. Yuu's hands on his arms forced a blush to his face, because all he could think of was how _warm_ he was right now and how _good_ it felt to be in the other boy's grip. His heart was beating a mile a minute again, and even drunk, Lavi knew it wasn't just because of how freaked out he was.

Kanda tensed up beneath him, but his arms were still firm and strong as they gripped the redhead. "What did he do to you?" He asked, his voice soft and gritty, strained, as if he was holding back a thousand emotions, none of which he wanted his roommate to know. Lavi explained, as coherently as he could, what had happened. Kanda rolled his eyes, though his facial expression was off a little bit. Pushing Lavi away, the boy reached under his blanket and produced a small, red whistle. Lavi took hold of it, staring at it uncomprehendingly.

"Whattis't?" He asked, his words slurring together again as he sniffed. His tears had dried just as suddenly as they began.

"Rape whistle," Kanda replied. "Tiedoll gave it to me, as if it would help." His words were bitter, but with a small scoffing noise, he added, "as if the sword wouldn't deter even the dullest person from trying."

There was something very wrong with his voice, something dark and hollow, but Lavi felt a heat creeping up his spine, and he knew he needed to get to the toilet as fast as possible. He made it to the bathroom in time, and as he puked whatever was left in his stomach into the round, porcelain bowl, he was surprised to note Kanda had followed him and was rubbing his back in a consoling manner, offering him quiet support as he hacked.

\---

_September 13_

Yuu awoke to the frantic scribbling of pencil on paper, and when he looked up, he saw his idiot roommate, looking for all the world as if he hadn't slept at all, scrawling away at one of his Bookman notebooks. To be honest, he still looked a bit woozy, the frown he was wearing giving away the fact that he probably had a pounding headache. The squeaking of the bed springs as Yuu sat up confirmed his suspicion. Lavi flinched and brought his left hand up to his head, his frown more pronounced. The boy seemed more composed than he had been when Yuu had finally gone to sleep at around four. He wasn't shaking, for one, and his breathing finally seemed to have calmed.

The Japanese boy wasn't exactly sure what had happened the previous night, only that there had been kissing and possible groping, most likely against Lavi's will. It should have scared him, the simple thought of such activities, but instead, all he could feel was concern for his roommate's well-being. And for the life of him, Yuu could not think of why that would be. The redhead was infuriatingly annoying, the fact that he had all but thrown himself onto the dark-haired boy when he had returned the previous night should have appalled him, but somehow it didn't. All he could think about was his concern for the sniveling idiot who had been in his lap. He found it strange that he was capable of such an emotion, that out of everything broken about him, he could still feel concern. He could overcome all the barriers between himself and others to reach out and run a hand through the redhead's hair, could pat him on the back as he cried and threw up.

What made Lavi special? What was so different about him? It had to be that perhaps he felt a strange bond with him, that he was as broken as Yuu was and deserved to have someone worry about him. It was obvious there was something wrong with the Bookman. It seemed as though he was having trouble keeping up with his persona. When he had returned last night, it had most definitely had not been "Lavi" who had walked into the room. Yes, that had to be it, he felt bad because Lavi was broken, just like him. There was nothing else to it. Nothing. Even if he didn't mind the contact all that much, or actually missed the redhead's presence while the idiot was off at class or out with his "friends." It was just that he pitied the boy, felt bad for what he was going through, right? There was no ulterior motive. Right? All those thoughts about pulling the redhead closer, talking with him, finding more out about his real self, the one who he had begun to see more and more of, those were just him wanting to find out what was wrong and fix it so that he could have a stable environment to live in, without having to worry about the sanity of those who just happened to live in the same room.

Oh, who was he kidding? He, Kanda Yuu, the person who had never wanted to be around anyone or anything, had a crush on someone, and to make matters worse, it was his roommate. No, scratch that—it didn't matter who it was, just the fact that he was a Bookman had to be the worst thing about this whole mess.

What was he going to do? He couldn't go around ignoring these feelings, because he'd been doing that for weeks and they still hadn't gone away. But the fact that Lavi was a Bookman made the idea of telling the redhead a really bad idea, so he was left with one option: deal with it.

Trying to be quiet so as not to exacerbate the redhead's headache—something that "Lavi," if their positions were reversed, would never consider—Yuu dug a change of clothes from his dresser. He sighed. It was stupid to change in the showers, hiding scars that had long since faded away, and this morning, he was too lazy. He was still tired from lack of sleep, something that usually didn't bother him. But like so many things since he'd moved into this stupid dorm, that had changed. He no longer needed the slight confusion and dizziness that went along with extreme fatigue to get him through the day. Yuu wasn't sure if he was getting stronger or if all the years lacking sleep had finally started to catch up with him, but he had been sleeping more heavily lately, and he was starting to sleep through Lavi's screams.

He changed into a comfortable pair of jeans and a tee-shirt before going off to do the necessities. When he returned, Lavi didn't look up. He had discarded his notebook and had his head in his hands. The boy still smelled vaguely of alcohol and vomit, but Yuu ignored it, walking up to his roommate with soft steps. Sitting on the bed, he took Lavi's hands in his own and lowered them. The boy was crying again, though it was only one tear. His green eye was darkened with misery, and he was shaking.

"My logs were a mess," Lavi finally admitted, his voice weak and too high. He was obviously suppressing a lot of emotion, probably things that, as a Bookman, he had never felt before. "I could barely keep my persona up to do them, and my experiences were so scattered that I... I didn't know what to write."

Releasing Lavi's hands, Yuu brought his own into Lavi's red hair, hoping to soothe the headache somehow. He tried to ignore the slight rise in heartbeat.

Trying for once not to sound harsh, which was surprisingly easy, Yuu told the shuddering fool to take a shower because he still smelled, tacking on to the end something about how it may help him to remember more detail. It was strange, actually caring if he hurt someone's feelings or not. The only people he had ever done that for were Lenalee, and to a lesser extent, Tiedoll.

His attempt awarded him a weak smile from the redhead, who got up and took Yuu's advice-slash-order, returning twenty minutes later, looking much more put-together. Lavi then spent the next few hours rewriting his logs, which if his facial expressions were anything to go by, was going much better than the first draft had.

"Bookman'll know I tore some of the pages out," Lavi said with a grimace, "but I'll just tell him I spilled some coffee on it or something."

Yuu looked up from his sketchbook, which he had gotten out after his roommate had gone to freshen up, and nodded. It wasn't as if he cared, even though he did. But he was trying to ignore his feelings, so it wasn't like he had that much choice.

" _Ne_ , Yuu, remind me never to drink that much again, 'kay?" Lavi asked, sounding pitiful. The Japanese boy nodded again, not knowing how else to respond. Just for good measure, he added a " _che_." Then he returned to his drawing. For once, he wasn't sketching a picture from his haunted past. He didn't quite understand what significance cats besides Muffins had, but just like the rabbits that reminded him of Lavi, he couldn't stop drawing them.


	5. Cries in the Dark

Chapter 5—Cries in the Dark

__Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you’re just a reflection of him?

\--- Calvin and Hobbes

_September 14_

If there was one thing Yuu didn't like, it was _people_. And not just people, but crowds of them. He liked quiet, and the idiots chattered and laughed away at such a loud volume that he could barely hear himself think. Added to that was the fact that they were all younger than him, and they all acted like the stupid college fools they were. Each time he saw a face, it brought others to mind, the bodiless creatures that haunted him during both his waking and sleeping hours. Every time someone brushed against him, it reminded him of how horrible the faces' slimy touches felt. And the pain and disorientation. And how everything just spun around in a blur of strange colors and the ever constant _ache_ that echoed out from his wrists and ankles, seeping down into his elbows and shoulders, knees and hips, until all he could feel was the numbness.

He remembered the first time someone had tried to touch him after it had all happened. It had been a nurse, if he recalled correctly. He'd flinched, screamed, thrashed about until something was injected and all was spinning again. It was much the same now, though he had substituted some of the drugs for exhaustion. The pull of Vicodin, however, was strong, and he pulled the bottle from a pocket in his backpack, hating himself as he popped a pill into his mouth. Within minutes, the slight tremors running up and down his limbs dulled. Replacing the bottle of pills, he cursed his idiot roommate for being late.

It had only been three days. Each time he was alone, he couldn't keep his mind off the drug, and each time he took one, he got more and more hooked. He remembered the days when, even under the Lotus's healing powers, he could last almost two weeks without another pill. It didn't help that his body still craved other, stronger drugs. When Lavi was there, it was easier to control the cravings. The redhead had a way of distracting him from his weaknesses. He hadn't even needed to take a knife to himself in over a week.

It was progress, he supposed, even if it was slow.

"Hey!" Someone shouted. Yuu ignored it, assuming some idiot was calling to his equally asinine friend. "Hey, you with the long hair!" The voice was quieter now and far closer than Yuu would have liked.

Looking up, the Japanese boy noted a boy had come up to his table with a tray full of food. "May I... help you?" He asked coldly, gritting his teeth. He had only agreed to eat the ghastly dorm food so that he had time to talk with Lavi. They'd become a lot closer since he'd first opened up after the disastrous dinner with Tiedoll—and especially after Lavi had come back drunk—and he wasn't about to go back on his word to have lunch with the red-haired idiot. If the boy would ever _show up_.

"I thought you could use some company, you looked kinda lonely."

Oh God, no. He did not need this right now. It was different from when the girls came up to "talk" with him. He'd known his sexual orientation for a while, and though he wasn't flamboyant about it, girls had no effect on him. He wasn't particularly attracted to boys, either, but every once in a while, someone struck his eye, just as Lavi had. Of course, he'd never actually _liked_ anyone before his roommate. That had been a complete shock to him. And it was having its effects on him. Already, his protective barriers, the walls around his heart that kept all the hurt and anguish away, were starting to break down. When he looked at a crowd, he didn't just see the faces and people who could hurt him. Now he could see that some people could be trusted, at least to an extent.

But the boy who was setting his tray down was _not_ one of those people. He was a disgusting excuse for a person, a predator, and he was going to say something lewd in an attempt to "get with" him.

"I'm waiting for someone," Yuu finally said, his voice ever colder. He didn't even bother to glare up at the other boy, deeming him a waste of time. It was how he always got through situations like this, ever since he’d hit puberty, when people had first started paying attention to him.

"Well, could I keep you company until then?" The boy insisted.

He was not going to give this idiot any response that remotely hinted at interest. He put his elbow on the table and rested his head in his hand, glaring at the moron who didn't seem to get the hint. He looked even more interested now, which didn't make much sense. They stared, or in Yuu's case scowled, at each other for a few moments, the boy mirroring him, with his head resting in his hand. The stubborn boy decided that it would be a good idea to reach over and run his hands through the strands of hair framing his face.

He had just been about to reach for Mugen, which he had had to place on the seat next to him because the tables were too low, when an arm snaked around his neck. Looking up, he saw bright red hair and an overly fake smile and was suddenly extremely relieved. He really hadn't wanted to kill the stupid boy in front of him.

"Hey, Yuu-chan, sorry I'm late, had some things to take care of." Yuu was so relieved to hear the redhead's voice that he couldn't bring himself to shrug the arm away. "This guy botherin' ya? Beat it, kid."

The offender quickly grabbed his uneaten tray of food and slunk away.

"You alright?" Lavi asked under his breath as he took his arm away. Yuu wanted to feel relieved at the lack of contact, but he didn't, another example of just how cracked his armor was. He needed to stop himself from being so stupid. Liking a Bookman meant liking someone without a heart. It was even worse than liking nobody at all.

"Fine," the Japanese boy responded curtly, shrugging. And of course, because of stupid feelings that shouldn't have been there, when Lavi's hand patted his shoulder gently, he didn't feel anything but a small spark—he didn't even flinch. The other boy sat down across from him, laying down a veritable mountain of books before mumbling something and speeding off into the food lines. Yuu watched with grim satisfaction as Lavi beat the boy who'd been annoying him to the last slice of cheesecake.

The redhead returned minutes later, his plate loaded in disgusting, overcooked, too-oily food. Yuu had to avert his eyes as Lavi literally _sucked_ it down. It reminded him vaguely of a vacuum cleaner.

"Whass' wong, 'Uu?" The idiot asked, his mouth full of macaroni and cheese. "You look 'orrified."

" _Che,_ " he said, making no attempt to hide his disgust. He'd tried to eat the food himself, but after waiting for a while, the oils and fats had started to separate, and the sight had been too much for him to bear. With a scowl, he had dumped his uneaten tray into the dish line.

There were several minutes of silence, wherein Lavi half-slurped, half-ate what was left on his plate. With a satisfied sigh, he smiled and looked at Yuu again. "It's so good to have time to eat."

The Japanese boy eyed him strangely, but they couldn't talk openly, not while they were in public. It wasn't that Lavi hid the fact that he was heir to a Bookman, but it wasn't common knowledge either. Actually, Yuu was pretty sure the only reason _he_ knew was because Lavi had labeled his boxes things like _Bookman shit_ and _stuff Bookman made me bring_. And while Bookmen weren't exactly hidden from the public, few knew about them. Yuu only knew because--

He stopped that thought cold. The investigation had become cold only a week or two after it had begun. There was no point dredging up painful memories, especially when Lavi had that observational glint in his green eye, the one that hardened and flattened it, making it look dull and lifeless.

"So, what was that guy's problem?" Lavi asked, though Yuu knew just as well as the redhead what it was.

"Just an asshole," Yuu muttered.

"Looked like he was tryin' to pick y'up," the apprentice Bookman noted sagely. Yuu shot him a glare, not really caring for Lavi's fake antics.

" _Che._ "

"Didn't look like you were interested, though." It was as if Lavi was trying to get him to expand upon those simple statements. But of course, he wouldn't. There was no reason to. The facts had already been said; he need not add more. An uncomfortable silence hovered over them as they sat, both unsure as to whether they should adjourn.

A young woman sat down at the table next to theirs. Yuu needed something to look at that wasn't the redhead, so he watched as she withdrew a small electronic device from her backpack and proceeded to test her blood sugar. Her brow wrinkled at the number produced and withdrew from the backpack a tiny refrigerated pack that obviously contained insulin. He watched as she unwrapped a sterile needle, filled it, and then injected herself. The dark-haired man heard a small, almost disgruntled sound from next to him, and he decided it was time to look back at the apprentice Bookman. Looking away for some time was rude, and while he may be many things, asshole included, he tried not to be rude to someone he could quite possibly classify as a friend.

At first glance, nothing was wrong. The redhead seemed to be staring intently at the girl across from them. But Yuu had spent enough time with the boy to see that something was definitely upsetting him. His hand was twitching slightly, which he was covered up by tapping on the table. The other discrepancy was something only Yuu and Bookman would have been able to see. It was the fact that Lavi's smile, while always fake, was now obviously so, his lip twitching and any vestige of light gone from his eye. The eye gave away the fact that Lavi had lost his persona. There was genuine fear hidden there, buried under the heavy layers of falsity.

The young woman nonchalantly pulled out another container, this one bright red with a biohazard symbol on it, and absently tossed the used needle in. Replacing her equipment back in her backpack, her face lit up in a smile, and she walked off, presumably to go grab some food. Lavi let out a quiet breath, his shoulders relaxing somewhat as he got up to leave, obviously too unnerved to stay at the table. Grabbing his things, the Japanese boy followed Lavi's relentless pace until they reached the dorm room. Once the door was shut, Lavi gasped for air, no longer containing whatever reaction he'd just had to the diabetic girl. He began to shake, leaning against the wall next to the doorway. He seemed unable to talk.

Yuu didn't know what to do. It wasn't like he was exactly trained to deal with idiots who suddenly just started acting strangely.

He pushed the redhead, who had begun to slide down the wall, over to the little corner the man had made for himself, hoping that would calm him down enough to explain why he had been so disturbed. Yuu remembered Lavi's screams--he knew the idiot was afraid of needles, but to be afraid of something to the point of hyperventilation had to mean a pretty traumatic experience.

Thankfully, the attack stopped quickly, much faster than when Lavi had been drunk and disoriented. The attack was different, too, something closer along the lines to what happened to him when the faces got too close, when he could feel the chains, when the cold permeated his skin so deeply that he feared his bones would ice over, when the pain and the addiction and the hurt all became too much for his broken mind to handle. Slowly, tremors began to shake his skin, and try as he might to hold them back, they got stronger as faces appeared on the walls and on the posters and in the window.

He blinked and Lavi was in front of him, fear still raw on his face, concern barely touching his eye. He blinked again and Lavi's arms were wrapped tightly around him, shaking body against shaking body. It struck Yuu, then, that perhaps they weren't so very different, that underneath all the masks was a pain few others could touch upon, that in them both was something that could not be expressed in words or art or music or anything but the emotions themselves. Yuu was cold and Lavi was warm, and he imagined it seemed much the same to the redhead. Without realizing it, his arms clung at Lavi's back, fisting as soon as they'd found a good hold in the boy's tight shirt.

Life had disappointed them both, led them down paths they should not have been forced to take.

"I h-h-hate needles," Lavi said, his voice quivering both with the movements from his body and some great, dark fear of which the Japanese boy could only see the barest hints. It was like a great, hulking black iceberg of terror, and Yuu, like most of those above sea level, could only see the exposed tip. "B-B-Bookman uses them on me f-for acupuncture. Th-that wouldn't be so bad, b-but... e-every time I slip, he pokes m-me in the worst pr-pressure points. O-o-only, I sl-slip a l-l-l-lot, so it's often necessary. Sometimes, he adds dr-drugs, a-and I don't know where I am, or wh-who I am, or even wh-wh-what I am. It's not th-that he's abusive or—or anything, but he u-uses them as r-r-reinforcements."

Yuu felt he needed to say something. After all, pressed up against Lavi as he was, the redhead could definitely tell that most of the shaking was from the Japanese boy. "I hate chains," he said in a hushed voice, knowing his tone was haunted, like a soldier explaining the horrors he'd seen on a battlefield. He didn't elaborate, he couldn't, and Lavi seemed to understand.

\---

_September 17_

It was weird, the strange companionship they'd formed. Yuu didn't normally get close to people, but for some reason, he couldn't help but be drawn to Lavi. When the redhead began screaming at night, usually sometime around four in the morning, Yuu would rise from his bed—he normally got his sleep in catnaps during the day, still unable to feel comfortable enough in the loud dorms—and wake the other boy. They talked, normally about stupid, inconsequential things, while the Japanese boy studied or drew and while Lavi did his logs.

The strangest thing was that Yuu didn't feel like he had to hide himself at all. There were things he could not tell Tiedoll or Lenalee or any of the other people in his makeshift 'family,' and for the same faraway reason that the companionship had formed, Yuu found himself completely at ease around the redhead, like the other boy could maybe understand that he wasn't whole. No, he couldn't trust the idiot with his full story, but he could tell him about the chains, about his parents, maybe even about the faces. Maybe he could mention the cellar, bit by bit tell his roommate things he couldn't bear to let Lenalee know.

A thin, fragile tendril of trust was binding itself to their frail hearts. It was mutual, and anything could break it. For the first time in his life, Yuu didn't want it to break.

Of course, there was also the annoying persona to deal with, the one that was currently bouncing around the room like an overactive rabbit as it got dressed in a flamboyant, ruffled button-up shirt in a deep, royal purple and a surprisingly mundane pair of blue jeans. With one last look at himself in the mirror, Lavi waved and ran from the room.

Yuu spent the next few hours finishing his homework. It was nice having peace and quiet for once, not having the idiot leaning over his shoulder, asking him what he was working on because he was bored and had finished his homework in that inhumanly fast way he had. As he set down his pencil, he decided it was time to get a few hours of sleep, as he'd only taken a small nap just after breakfast. With Lavi out of the room, the silence and darkness was enough for him to fall into a peaceful but light sleep.

At first, he was swirling through a minefield of faces, but then a rhythmic knocking began. Immediately, his eyes snapped open, his heart racing as he identified the sound. Checking the clock, he noted the time: eleven oh four PM. He'd been asleep twenty minutes, at most. Sighing, he sat up, giving up on the idea of sleep, and walked over to the door. The lock came undone with a clicking sound, though Yuu hadn't even touched the door yet. Perhaps Tiedoll had stolen his key long enough to make a copy. It sounded like the stupid kind of things the old Frenchman usually did.

To his surprise, he was not bowled over as the door opened. Instead, all he saw was a fine spike of gray hair. Looking down, he saw Lavi's guardian, Bookman. The crazy man usually came every Thursday, but Yuu had thought he wouldn't come this week, as he hadn't yet made an appearance. Apparently he'd been wrong.

They stared at each other for a moment, until the old man sighed and pushed past him, walking over to Lavi's side of the room. Yuu was hoping to avoid open hostilities with a man that Lavi most obviously feared, but he didn't like the way the short man was looking at him. He felt like he was being examined, which was very likely the case. It felt like the Bookman was looking through him, down to his very core, and digging away the secrets with only one glace. It was unnerving and unwanted. The old man did not need to know, and he was suddenly glad that Lavi had made him hide his Lotus last week. That was something no one could know about. It was something not even he himself understood completely.

Bookman bent over the redhead's box labeled _Bookman Shit_ and extracted a week's worth of notebooks. He skimmed through them quickly, checking to see if they were up to par. Then he did something Yuu was not expecting; he sat down and started asking him questions.

"Has my apprentice been acting strangely?" Nothing in the old man's tone gave away why he was asking. It could have been that he knew Lavi had been slipping, or he was asking to see if Yuu had noticed, to see just what his apprentice's roommate knew. He had to answer carefully, or else Lavi would be the one to suffer, and as heartless as Yuu could be towards people, he was not cruel enough to subject someone to what they feared the most.

"No, he's an idiot, just like always," Yuu responded, sounding as uninterested and sleepy as possible.

Bookman made a low interested noise, making his hair twitch. "He hasn't skipped classes or... been seeing anyone?"

" _Che._ How should I know what he does when he's not here? Hell, he's got plenty of girls hanging off him when he goes out, who knows?" Yuu shrugged, hoping his lie was convincing enough. He didn't even know Lavi's schedule.

The old man nodded at that. "Well, boys will be boys," he commented dryly before standing up gingerly. Yuu could almost hear the old man's bones creaking with the movement.

He walked over to the door, giving the room one more sweep, before opening the door. He paused at the threshold.

"Didn't you have a flower on your shelf the last time I was here?"

Yuu felt his heart skip. Lavi had warned him about Bookman finding out about his Lotus, he had to think of a convincing lie.

"It died, forgot to water it," Yuu answered nonchalantly.

Bookman seemed to think about the answer for a moment, but then he turned on his heel and left, the door closing with a loud click.

Nearly fifteen minutes later, Lavi reappeared, slamming the door open and practically hyperventilating as he threw himself down on his bed, his face every bit the terrified teenager.

"H- _he_ was there," the redhead panted by way of explanation. "Had to... run."

" _Che_." Because there was nothing else to say, and he was still weirded out by Bookman's strange visit.

"It was a good thing Tyki didn't... see me. I mean, if Bookman found out someone was stalking me, that would really end badly." Lavi shuddered, then began unbuttoning his shirt. Yuu had to look away as the garment fell unceremoniously to the floor, followed by the white undershirt he'd worn beneath it. It wasn't that he particularly cared, but Lavi noticed a lot of things, and if the redhead caught him staring, that would lead to awkward questions. Instead, he pretended to be uninterested and went back to his sketchpad, trying to decide what kind of wine would complement cheesecake the best.

"Oh, good, the Old Panda stopped by," Lavi said excitedly, pulling open the box next to his bed and sniffing deeply. "I thought I caught the scent of his hair gel when I walked in."

Yuu snorted. "He uses too much."

"I know," the apprentice Bookman agreed, laughing along with him. "I always tell him to use less, but he never listens. Something about 'older and wiser...'"

"He asked me if you were acting strangely," Yuu commented.

Lavi froze, his eye widening, and he looked over at Yuu.

"He suspects something. What did you say?"

"That I have no idea and that you are an idiot. He asked me if you were going to classes or if you were seeing anyone. I told him I had no idea and that it was likely because you're such a skirt chaser." 

That seemed to calm the redhead down slightly, but Yuu could tell the news had unnerved him. He didn't mention Bookman asking about his Lotus. That was just one other thing Lavi didn't need to worry about. 

"I'll just have to be more careful, then; he's watching more than I expected him too."

Yuu nodded and picked up his sketchbook again, and the two lapsed into silence as Lavi began his logs. 

\---

_September 18_

Lavi was bored. He was bored and did _not_ want to be in class. The downside of college was that he had to learn far slower than his own pace. Already, he was at least three semesters' worth of classes into his study of Arabic, and yet the rest of the class was still studying basic directions and places to go. He'd finished his textbook during the first week of classes. For the first time, Lavi was almost regretting his decision to come to college. Almost. Because he was glad to be away from Bookman, and if he was honest with himself, he really liked living with Kanda. The man was quiet and easy to get along with, if Lavi was genuine.

Well, who needed Arabic anyway? It was fifteen after three, almost a third of the class was over, and he didn't trust himself to sit still. Well, 'Lavi' never sat still, per se, but there was no way he could sit through this dull class any longer. Sighing, he sat up, trying his best to look pale--which wasn't hard, given his fair skin tone—and sick.

"Uh, professor? Yeah, I'm gonna throw up, so I'll be goin' now, 'kay?" He said, putting a convincing quaver in his voice and bobbing his neck forward in a way that implied impending sickness. Grabbing his books, he ran out of his classroom and to the nearest bathroom. He thought he was quite convincing. He walked shakily out of the facilities, just in case anyone had followed him.

He took an alternate route back through the quad and to his dorm, following a little-known path that took him around the rec center. It was a given that he wouldn't be attending any of his evening classes, and since he was going to go with Lizzie and another couple people from their dorm to a party at Omega Pi, it made sense not to go anyway.

Walking past the large gymnasium, he heard the sound of wood clashing with wood through one of the open windows. Pausing for a moment, Lavi decided that he could indulge his curiosity for a little while. He pulled open the door to the tiny dojo behind the gym and walked inside.

It was almost stiflingly hot as if some nutter had blown up the air conditioning unit as had happened last week in their dorm. It still smelled of burning coolant and the sweat of too many teenagers.

But his annoyance was soon shoved into the far, far reaches of his endless mind as he recognized one of the students. Black hair captured in a ponytail flew past his opponent’s face, the ends dancing over the poor shrimpy kid’s nose. The wooden practice sword acted as an extension of the black-haired boy’s arm as he twirled and finished his movement, falling into a defensive stance. His opponent leaped forward, and the black-haired boy shifted lithely to one side, his hair following him again like a ribbon. His body glistened with sweat, his face was drawn in concentration, his eyes—so dark with millions of layers of mystery and intrigue—were focused solely upon one thing: victory.

Shirtless save for a small length of bandaging around his chest, Kanda Yuu parried and struck his opponent down with a decisive blow. The shrimpy boy let out a grunt and dropped his practice sword, very obviously defeated.

Turning curtly, Kanda scowled at everything and everyone until the instructor, a wizened old Taiwanese man, came over and critiqued his movements. It was amazing to Lavi, whose mouth had fallen open at some point, how polite and poised Kanda was, nodding and accepting his faults and then falling into a stance so that the old man could show him what he’d done wrong. The dark-haired boy’s eyes widened, cleared a little as they grew brighter with understanding, and he gave the man a tiny smile before bowing and thanking him.

The Taiwanese man smiled back up at Kanda before moving away to help the shrimpy kid the dark-haired boy had been paired with. With a quiet sigh, Kanda’s shoulders relaxed, and he fell into a more casual position as he waited for his partner to become free again. He stiffened somewhat when his gaze fell on Lavi, but after a moment, he relaxed and walked up to the redhead, still breathing heavily.

“What are you doing here?” Kanda asked, his tone accusatory. But there was a slight difference. His eyes were light, not hinting at the annoyance that should have been there. It was as if the other boy was acting for the sake of not giving up his cranky asshole image.

“Couldn’t stand Arabic, so I decided to skip. Took a prettier path back, and who should I meet but my dearest Yuu-chan-san!” Lavi exclaimed, throwing his arms around the other boy. He smelled of sweat and cinnamon, and he was grimy and gross, but Lavi ignored it. For some reason, Kanda was always very, very warm, very, very calming.

“Get off of me, you idiot!” Kanda growled and pushed Lavi away. And since he was in his persona and could, he let himself hit the ground with a thud, even though it was padded.

“Ahhh, Yuu-chan, you’re mean!!! And after I went through all the effort of coming to visit you, what with my busy schedule and everything!” He pouted from the floor, turning the full force of his ire, which was a surprising amount considering he shouldn’t be feeling anything at all, toward Kanda.

The dark-haired boy didn’t seem fazed, merely scoffed and walked away, returning to his training. Lavi pouted again but made himself comfortable on the mats. The redhead watched in awe as his roommate took down all the other students in turn. He wondered why he couldn’t stop staring at Kanda. When he thought about it, no logical explanation came to mind, only another hot, sweaty image of his dark-haired “friend.”

At four o’clock, the class—most of which, thanks to Kanda, was the worse for wear—lined up in front of a butch blond man who had been belting instructions at a less experienced group in the far corner. The Taiwanese man, obviously some kind of assistant for the more advanced group, simply bowed and left, but the bulky blond kept the rest of the class there as he listed off announcements and other such things that Lavi tuned out. Afterward, the class bowed as one and left for the changing rooms.

When Kanda emerged barely five minutes later, Lavi began to follow him back to the dorm.

“Wow, Yuu, you’re really good!” He enthused, not entirely sure if the sentiment was genuine or not. It was very apparent that Kanda was far above average, skill-wise, but the way he moved with the sword had been amazing in itself, and the redhead had found himself completely captivated in a way the record had never been able to.

It was different than the wars he’d seen, the sniper shots, the bombings, the guns. It was an almost beautiful form of fighting, one Lavi found himself wishing he saw more often.

Almost immediately, he was disgusted. Used in battle, the very thought of swords, archery, and other old methods of fighting made him ill. The smell of blood, the strings of gore, the shards of bones, and the yells of soldiers in pain would always be the same, regardless of the weapon. Putting swords into practical use would tear the beauty from them, take away from the fluidity and sleekness of each move, each form.

“ _Che._ Whatever.” Lavi knew by now that Kanda was just avoiding having to thank him for the compliment.

They continued walking in silence for a few minutes; students were still filing between classes, looking harried or confused. From across the lawn he heard a distinct female voice.

“Lavi! Kanda! Wait for me!” The brunette, Lizzie, from his German class came running up, followed closely behind by an out-of-breath boy that Lavi recognized as Jason from four doors down.

“Hey, Lizzie!” The redhead called out, waving outrageously.

The petite Junior smiled at him in acknowledgement.

“Are you two going to the party tonight? I hear it’s gonna be a blast.”

Next to her, Jason was nodding enthusiastically.

“I haven’t thought about it; whaddaya think Yuu?” He asked his reclusive roommate.

Lavi himself didn’t really want to go, even though he should because it was good for the record and it wasn’t in his persona to refuse an invitation, but he was still anxious about what had happened the first time he had gone out. He knew with almost complete certainty that Tyki would be there, and he did not what to repeat their last encounter.

“I’m not going.” Kanda mumbled and Lavi felt his persona take complete control.

“Aww, come on, Yuu-chan, I wanna go! What if Tyki’s there? I need my big, strong roommate to protect me!” He threw his arms around Kanda’s shoulders and felt the dark-haired boy flinch.

“You’re taller than me, you idiot, and besides, it was your own fault.”

“B-but… please? You never go out! Come on, just this once?” He pleaded, putting on one of his most pathetic faces, and felt Lizzie sidle up next to him, copying his expression completely.

“Yeah, come on Kanda, it’ll be lots of fun!”

Lavi could tell that at any moment his roommate was going to give in to peer pressure.

“Fine, just leave me alone.” The dark-haired boy picked up his pace and was almost out of sight by the time Lavi had said goodbye.

Arriving at the dorm a few minutes later, he found Kanda on his bed, doing homework.

Pulling his persona off kicking and screaming, he relaxed, it had become such a relief not to have to maintain his lie, although when it was replaced, it became even harder to keep it up.

Walking over to Kanda’s bed, he sat down on the edge and watched as the Japanese boy did his Microeconomics homework. He was filling out each answer quickly, as if it didn’t require that much thought. Occasionally, he’d make an annoyed grunt, though Lavi had no idea how to interpret those. He just figured the boy was frustrated that he had to be doing the homework in the first place.

After a little bit, Kanda got up, grabbed his book bag, and left. Lavi stared after his back for a minute before realizing that was not what he was supposed to be doing and deciding to take out one of the books his Master had left for him.

The book wasn’t entertaining in the least, but it gave good points on the current direction of the economy, and it wasn’t completely dry, so Lavi was okay with wasting a good couple of hours reading it. Kanda returned when he was halfway finished, but the redhead ignored him. It wouldn’t do him any good if he was distracted. Bookman would know, and if there was anything that was terrifying to Lavi, it was the old man and his goddamned needles, sharp and shining in the light before they were placed in all the wrong pressure points.

By the time he was finished, there was just a half hour ‘til nine, when he, Yuu, Lizzie, Jason, and whoever else was coming with them would leave for the monstrous trek across campus to the frat houses.

Pulling on a lime green satin button-down, Lavi plastered on his fake smile. He gave Kanda a cursory glance, simply because he was a Bookman and that was what he did. His mouth went dry as his mind caught up with his senses. Dressed in a tight-fitting black tee-shirt and dark blue jeans, his hair falling sleekly to the small of his back, Kanda looked… more aesthetically pleasing than usual. If Lavi wasn’t objective, he’d go as far as to say he looked damn fetching.

But he _was_ objective.

So it was a moot point.

\---

He hated people. But the one thing he hated more than people was lots of people, crammed into a room the size of a water closet with music loud enough to hear from the top of the Great Wall of China from ten thousand miles away. And there were a lot of people. And they weren’t just crammed, they were sardined. And it wasn’t a water closet, it was a bathtub. And he was pretty sure the satellites would be picking up the noise any second.

Yuu was able to ignore most of it, though. After all, he’d lived with Daisya for years.

He chose a corner, sat on a fairly clean sofa, and began to people watch.

He saw a girl from his Microeconomics class leaning so far over that it would soon become likely that her chest would fall out of her shirt. Behind her, another girl was grinding her backside into a random boy’s groin. From the look of ecstasy on the boy’s face, he assumed she was trying to get raped.

Following the trail of alcohol to the beer pong table, he watched as Lavi downed a cup, obviously having lost. It wasn’t that surprising, seeing as he had no depth perception. Yuu was keeping a mental tally of just how much the redhead was drinking, just in case he had to drag the redhead’s skinny white ass home. He had counted three drinks so far, and they’d only been there an hour and a half. Lizzie was off to the right, flirting with the Rugby captain, Skin, Tyki’s cousin. It was interesting seeing the way Jason was blatantly staring at them in jealousy. Yuu almost felt bad for him, seeing as Lizzie was completely unaware of his feelings.

He watched the goings-on for another hour, letting his mind wander while still managing to go unnoticed. The last thing he needed was some drunkard leaning on him. He watched as Lavi stumbled across the room to stand next to Skin and Lizzie, who had begun to make out. He stood there stupidly for a while until a tiny girl tarted out in fishnets and a skirt that left nothing to the imagination swayed over and proceeded to make moves on him. It would have been funny, Yuu thought, if Lavi hadn’t looked so horrified.

It had absolutely nothing to do with that angry, swirling feeling building up in his chest. The feeling that just kept growing and billowing outward into his torso and limbs as the slut angled her face and deepened the kiss. There was no finesse, just alcohol and tongues and, if Yuu looked closely—which he absolutely was not doing—drool. The dark-haired boy watched helplessly as the girl pulled herself closer, locking a leg around one of Lavi’s. It made the weird feeling pulse strongly.

Lavi shifted uncomfortably, and part of Yuu began to rejoice. A little mini hallelujah chorus went off in his chest as the redhead pushed the hussy away firmly and tottered off, a little string of spit hanging down his chin. He came over to Yuu’s couch, looking thoroughly drunk and dazed, and plopped down in the Japanese boy’s lap.

At first, all Yuu could feel was the shock of contact, the warmth as Lavi settled onto his legs. It made him tense up, because it reminded him of how the faces loomed forth from the darkness and invaded his space, how they had rested on his lap or how they had taken him into theirs, all the while accompanied by confusion and disorientation and the ever-present desperation to make all of it stop. But then he realized it was Lavi, and that was okay, because maybe he liked the boy a little bit and maybe it felt a little good to have him there on his legs, breathing alcohol-stained breath onto his lips.

They were a bit too close. Lavi’s mouth was mere centimeters from his own, and their eyes locked. The redhead’s gaze was a bit vacant, probably from how much he’d had to drink, but there was something behind it—a bit left of his character, the last vestiges of sobriety, his soul, whatever—that made Yuu understand at the most basic level that Lavi knew where he was and what he was doing as he lowered his lips onto the dark-haired boy’s.

After so much pain, after so many faces, after so much fear, even though he tasted horribly of cheap, imported beer, Lavi was a breath of fresh air. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Still, even though the kiss was sloppy, wet, and awkward, it felt good. It felt like a spring breeze blowing away all the pollution of his past.

Lavi’s hands were firm in their iron-tight hold on the hair at the back of his head, and he pulled enough for Yuu to remember exactly why brushing his hair was a nuisance. The Japanese boy gasped in what he was pretty sure was pleasure, forcing their mouths apart for just a moment. But then Lavi was back, his hands moving from the nape of his neck down to his chest.

Yuu tried to push away, but Lavi seemed incapable of stopping. Deft fingers rubbed circles over his nipples, pulling another gasp from his throat. And then the dark-haired boy didn’t want to stop at all. There were lips on his, pleasantly and clumsily parting so that Lavi’s tongue could enter his mouth. No, it wasn’t coordinated, as if the redhead was not only drunk, but inexperienced. It didn’t matter, though, because it was still _damn good_.

One of the apprentice Bookman’s hands began moving lower to his stomach, and Yuu allowed it, because _sweet Jesus_ , the faces were completely gone for the first time in eleven years. All the cold had simply melted away, as if Lavi’s hands were warming him more than any amount of pain could. Lavi shifted, and there was heat, heat that burned away the chains.

 _Yes_ , he hissed, though he wasn’t sure if it was out loud or not. Maybe it was, because Lavi’s hand moved lower still. Someone was moaning, but it wasn’t—couldn’t be—him. His arms pulled the redhead closer, accidentally forcing Lavi’s ass into his growing arousal.

Wait. No. Bad. Drunk.

Lavi was drunk.

The boy would regret this; _Yuu_ would regret this. He had to stop, he had to pull back, even if the other boy’s hand was making its way under the waistband of his jeans. He had to— _oh, God, yes!_

Oh, God, no!*

He forced them apart, pushed Lavi off his lap. The redhead looked at him, his green eye dim and barely focused. He looked as blown away as Yuu felt.

“You’re drunk,” Yuu said, hating that he was breathless like that little slut Lavi had been kissing earlier. Because she had to have been breathless. Because _damn_.

Lavi looked at him uncomprehendingly. Yuu sighed. He needed to take the idiot home, because if he didn’t, who knew what he would do.

Just as he was about to pull the redhead up off the couch, the cause of all his troubles stood up, mumbled something that resembled “piss,” and walked off. Whether he was talking about his state of drunkenness or if he really just had to use the lavatory, Yuu was unsure.

He became concerned when the redhead didn’t return after twenty minutes. Thinking he had fallen into the toilet and drowned, Yuu went to check on him.

But he wasn’t there.


	6. Points of Authority

Chapter 6—Points of Authority

__Power, according to this logic, is not a means to an end (survival), but an end in itself.

\--- John Mearsheimer

Where had that hot, drunken fucktard of a roommate gone? Yuu refused to panic, but it was hard when the redhead was nowhere in sight. He walked around the house, weaving through wasted people.

“Kanda?” Someone asked. Thoroughly worked into a state of terror, the Japanese boy twirled around, hair whipping out behind him, and caught sight of his T.A. from Microeconomics, Lulubell.

Maybe it was his look of absolute desperation, but a concerned look came over her pretty face.

“Are you looking for someone?” Thankfully, she sounded at least mostly sober.

“Redhead, eye patch, you seen him?” He asked quickly.

She seemed to think for a moment, and recognition lit in her eyes.

“Yeah, saw him ten minutes ago walking with Tyki. They were heading upstairs, probably to my room. I don’t really know why I let him use it, but he always changes the sheets, so…” She trailed off with a shrug of her shoulders.

Yuu felt his stomach twist in anxiety (and if he was honest with himself, jealousy). This was what he had been afraid would happen. He asked her where her room was.

“Upstairs, first room on the left.”

Not even pausing to thank her—he could do that later, in class—he raced toward the steps. He didn’t care how many people he knocked over, how many games of beer pong he ruined, he had to get upstairs.

Lulubell’s door was decorated with raunchy pictures of her and her friends “goofing off.” It didn’t bother Yuu in the slightest. Or it wouldn’t have, had it been unlocked. But the knob wouldn’t twist, and the worst part was that he could hear what was going on inside.

There was muted banging and thrashing, growls that were obviously from Tyki, and strange, high-pitched whimpering noises that sounded suspiciously like “stop.” Heart beating erratically with anger and something a lot deeper and stronger—that couldn’t possibly still be jealousy, could it?—Yuu reached into his back pocket and fished out his wallet. He produced from it the credit card Tiedoll had forced on him and swiped it between the wall and the door. The lock clicked, and the Japanese boy slammed the door open.

He wasn’t quite prepared for what he saw. Lavi was on the bed, his hands held at his left side by Tyki. The football* captain was holding Lavi’s legs apart—the redhead’s trousers were shimmied down to his knees—and was giving him… oral service. Even though he was at the door, Yuu could see the denial in Lavi’s face.

“No, Tyki, stop, I dun wanna do this with you,” Lavi slurred, struggling to get free. Yuu snapped.

He didn’t remember moving across the room, he only felt himself floating over to the football captain, pulling his head back by his nasty, fucking curly hair, and punching him square in the nose. He felt it crack beneath his fist, but all he could really understand was that Tyki was not nearly hurt enough. So he hit him again, and again, and a fourth time. He even threw some kicks the Portuguese boy’s way. When Tyki was sufficiently dealt with, Yuu stood up and came back to his senses.

Lavi had thankfully sat up, but he had yet to replace his trousers. He was sitting there, eyes half-mast and unfocused in drunkenness. Sighing, Yuu leaned forward and yanked the redhead’s trousers up. He was surprised when Lavi threw his arms around him and proclaimed, “Yuu-chan saved me! He’s my hero!” and then promptly passed out.

Rolling his eyes and trying to ignore how much Lavi reeked of alcohol, Yuu pulled him onto his back and carried him downstairs, where he met Lizzie. After a quick conversation, they all returned to the dorm, Lavi waking briefly to spout shit about how his boxers were riding up his ass.

“It’s your own fault, idiot,” Yuu growled at him but adjusted the boy nonetheless.

Back at the dorm, he tossed Lavi onto his bed. Unfortunately, the redhead didn’t seem inclined to let him go, and he was quite tired, so why not just fall… asleep…

\---

Bright lights scorched Lavi’s eyelid, emphasizing the awful pounding in his head. Why did he have a headache? It didn’t feel like the kind he had when he’d spent too long poring over books—that was normal eyestrain and usually was in a specific region of his head—but this was all-encompassing and stabbing, rather than the usual dull ache. What the hell had happened to him? His mouth was dry and tasted like hussy and had a bit of a furry texture; his body ached, and he knew that if he tried to sit up, he’d lose the contents of his stomach.

Trying to think back to the night before, Lavi realized he couldn’t remember a thing. The redhead balked. Was this a hangover? After all, he’d had a headache last time he’d gone drinking, but it was nothing compared to this.

What the fuck was wrong with him? He’d already had the drunken experience, so why had he decided to repeat it? Sure, drinking was fine, but the problem was he was having trouble remember—

_He couldn’t remember anything beyond his third game of beer pong._

That had been early in the night. He’d had a shot of Absolut citron and then had been forced into a game of beer pong, which he had lost. The boys had taken pity on him and given him a handicap—he only had to drink one cup of beer per lost game. After his first beer, he’d had an appletini, courtesy of Lizzie (he didn’t trust anyone else mixing them), and had then played another game of beer pong, which he’d lost. Angry that he’d once again failed to hit the ball into a cup, he opted for a third game, which had seen his ping pong ball bounce off the table and into the nearest person’s cup of beer.

The redhead didn’t really remember drinking anything after the third cup of beer, but from the state he was in at the moment, he was assuming he had. His lips felt kind of chapped, though he couldn’t figure out why. Maybe he’d licked them too much.

A tickle at the tip of his nose alerted him to the smell of cinnamon. He tried to move his right hand to scratch at it, but it was stuck under some kind of heavy object. Actually, now that he was paying attention, his hand felt kind of tingly, kind of _asleep_. A jolt of pins and needles danced up to his shoulder, and Lavi grimaced, grunting.

The weird cinnamony thing tickling his nose shifted with a sleepy sigh. And then Lavi realized his position. The heavy thing over his half-numb arm was a _person_. This _person_ was pressed to Lavi’s chest, and the redhead was effectively straddling his back and had curled his legs around the _person_. It didn’t help that he had his left arm draped over the _person_. Or that the cinnamony scent identified the _person_ as Kanda Yuu.

His roommate.

Of all people to wake up next to in a compromising position, it had to be Yuu-chan. Why? Oh, dear God, why?

Kanda stirred again, pulling himself away. Lavi let him go, but the dark-haired boy didn’t move more than a centimeter or two. Trying to extricate his arm, the redhead felt another shock of painful pins and needles shoot up the limb. He cracked an eye open to see how much of his arm Kanda was still dead-weighting on.

If the lights had been bright earlier, they were now positively scorching. Maybe it was his extra-sensitive vision, but the tiny crack in the industrial yellow blind in the window let in the most painful, cutting line of daylight. If Yuu was awake, Lavi was sure he’d tell him to get over it—it was his own fault anyway.

Lavi sat up and instantly regretted it. _Whyyyy?_ So dizzy, so achy, so brighty. So dumby. He needed to get up. Maybe then his brain would return to him and he would stop thinking idiotic things that would make Kanda scoff.

And why was he thinking of Kanda so much anyway? It wasn’t that he carried any special feelings for him. Sure, he could admit that maybe he’d gotten a little attached, but that didn’t mean that he _liked_ the Japanese boy. It didn’t mean that he wanted to be thinking about him all the damn time. It was probably because he was living with the other boy. After all, he’d travelled with Bookman for years—the man was his Master—and he thought about him all the time. So it made sense, didn’t it?

He just had to tell his heart to stop twitching.

Which was weird, because he didn’t understand why it was doing that. He knew that it was somehow related to Kanda, but he didn’t understand what emotion his body was trying to feel—if it was an emotion after all. He’d just have to repress it further, until his body was no longer reacting to it.

A sleepy grunt sounded through the room, making Lavi flinch. Why was Kanda being so damn _loud_? But the boy was groaning and shifting and then sitting up. Immediately, the redhead pulled his arm back, cradling it as sensation began to return.

“M-mornin’, Yuu,” Lavi mumbled, scuttling to the end of the bed, despite the pain the action incited in his head.

He received the customary grunt in response.

“Sooo, what happened last night?” He asked smoothly.

“ _Che_. You don’t remember?” There was definitely a note of exasperation in his roommate’s voice, one that Lavi didn’t quite like.

“Well, not exactly. I didn’t do anything… stupid, did I?”

“Depends on how you define stupid.” That didn’t sound so good.

“We’ll use your definition,” the redhead said, nervous already.

“Then everything,” Kanda responded, deadpan.

“You’re mean, Yuu-chan.” Lavi pouted.

“Whatever.”

“But seriously, did I do anything I’ll regret?”

“Well, you played seven games of beer pong, lost each one, made out with some… harlot—”

“Is that why my mouth tastes like hussy?” He interjected innocently.

“No, but thank you for calling me a hussy.”

It didn’t make sense. His brain wouldn’t work. _Why wouldn’t it work?_

“Wha?” Lavi finally managed to spit out.

“When you were finished with her, you decided it would be a good idea to make me sloppy seconds.” Kanda replied matter-of-factly, though he was looking away.

Oh god, he’d violated his roommate. Kanda probably hated him—he’d make good on his threat to make the redhead into a shish-kabob. For a brief moment, he imagined himself skewered on Mugen as Kanda rotated him over a fire. But the worst part would be that the dark-haired boy would hate him. But wait, why did it matter that Yuu would hate him? Ah, there it was. First names were for personas, so why would he call Kanda that in his mind? He was even more screwed than he had thought.

He became aware that someone was waving hand in front of his face. He wondered what it might look like at this moment.

“Oi, idiot, pay attention,” Kanda growled at him, and he realized he should have responded to what his roommate had just told him.

“Sorry, guess I’m just a bit hung-over. I’m sorry I kissed you. You probably hate me for it.”

Dammit, he shouldn’t be feeling sorry. He should just laugh it off and hug him. He shouldn’t care if Kanda hated him!

“You were drunk; you didn’t know what you were doing,” Kanda dismissed.

“But, I—”

“Besides, I haven’t gotten to the worst part yet.”

“Greaaat,” Lavi said dryly. What could possibly be worse?

“You wandered off a few minutes later saying you had to piss, and when you didn’t come back…”

“Well I don’t feel like I got raped,” Lavi said, trying to lighten the sudden somber atmosphere.

“He got close enough.”

Shit, that didn’t sound good.

“Wait… _he_?” The redhead asked, horrified. He had a vague suspicion, but his mind was rather addled at the moment, and he wasn’t really sure he wanted that question answered anyway.

“Yes.”

“Who is… _he_?” No, that was not his heart beating a mile a minute in absolute terror.

“What other _he_ could there be, _Baka_?” Kanda still managed to sound condescending. It was a small comfort, almost. And then Lavi remembered that this wasn’t the time to be thinking such things, because there was a _he_ involved.

“Well I don’t know, there’s you, there’s me, there’s Jason… and then… there’s… Tyki!?”

Kanda nodded gravely, and Lavi felt like he was going to die. No, he was pretty sure he _wanted_ to die.

“I was violated by _him_?” Lavi almost shouted. “Couldn’t it have been someone else?”

“You should be grateful I found you,” Kanda mumbled.

“I am, but why couldn’t it have been Barbar or something?”

“You would prefer to be violated by an animated elephant?” The dark-haired boy asked incredulously.

“At least he’d be gentle! And it would be G-rated because he’s a friendly animated elephant.”

“I think you may still be a bit drunk.”

“No way.”

“Go sober up, idiot.”

Seeing no other option, Lavi did.

\---

_September 21_

Yuu was almost glad that the idiot rabbit was out of the room, suffering through classes. It gave him time to think. The past day and a half had been less than satisfactory, with Lavi switching between appallingly apologetic mode and pointedly ignoring mode like a bipolar dunce.

The idiot was probably embarrassed for having gotten so wasted that he made out with his roommate. It was obvious because the redhead kept switching back and forth between his god-awful persona and his pathetic real self. What was most infuriating of all was that Lavi blatantly refused to talk about it.

He’d tried to bring up the topic after the redhead had sobered up, but Lavi had skillfully changed the subject, and before Yuu knew what had hit him, they were talking about _dachshunds_ , of all things.

His affliction was becoming more and more of an annoyance. It was infuriating how disappointing it was every time Lavi brushed him off, saying something about “homework,” even though he’d never seen the idiot doing assignments before.

And speaking of assignments, if he didn’t start paying attention soon, he was going to mess up the Macro homework he was currently staring blankly at. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand it—actually, even though he found the subject dull and hopelessly boring, he was one of the top scorers in the class—he just couldn’t _concentrate_ long enough to get it done. Every time he read one of the questions, Lavi’s face would pop into his mind, smiling that annoying-ass grin, and suddenly, every word his eyes passed over was magically in the redhead’s voice.

The entire situation was infuriating. Gritting his teeth, Yuu glared at the paper, willing it to do itself, just so that he wouldn’t have to look at it and think about Lavi. He went so far as to growl before deciding to give up the assignment as a bad job. There was time to do it tomorrow, so it could wait. He threw his textbook to the ground. It hit with a satisfactory _thump_ that made the Japanese boy feel a little better.

Ignoring the lotuses in his peripheral vision, he pulled out his sketchpad. It had been a while since he’d added something new—a few days at most. The second his pencil hit the paper, the turbulence in his mind simply melted away. Everything was quiet and relaxed, just like it always was when he let his hand move and draw whatever he was feeling. Gone were the _feelings_ , gone was the sticky, gooey, sappy emotion in his heart that distracted him so much. Gone, too, were the heart pounding moments, the sinking of disappointment, and the ever-present cold that always tried to freeze his limbs and mind into inactivity. All that was there were the soft, forgiving lines of his pencil and the soothing, lukewarm calm that always swirled around him like old bathwater.

Yuu’s eyes unfocused as the lines flew out from his fingers. He didn’t need to think about anything, annoying roommates included. He didn’t need to think about bad pasts or chains or fucktards with red hair. Shaking his head, Yuu growled again. Lavi was ruining his zen.

He looked down, wondering what he’d drawn so far. With sickening frustration, he realized he’d just spent the past twenty minutes outlining Lavi’s profile. And he’d added rabbit ears.

“Fuck you!” He shouted at no one in particular as he ripped the page from the pad and crumpled it. Why did the apprentice Bookman have to haunt him even while he was at class? Reaching under his blanket, Yuu grabbed a lighter and immediately disposed of the drawing.

Perhaps it was best if he just brooded. He’d tried everything else. Thankfully, he was saved from that choice by a knock on his door.

Whoever it was didn’t wait for him to answer, they just burst in. And then Lenalee was standing in front of him, hands on her hips as she scowled at him.

“Where’d you bury the body?” She demanded. Yuu blinked. What the fuck?

“Excuse me?” He asked politely, hoping he’d misheard.

“You heard me, Yuu-kun, where’d you bury the body?”

The world suddenly wasn’t making much sense, like someone had taken away his ability to understand English, or like someone had turned logic off.

“ _Che_. What body?” He asked angrily. Distracting as the Chinese girl was, he really didn’t want to talk at the moment. Even if she was keeping his mind far away from The Annoyance.

Lenalee flipped her phone open and fiddled with a few buttons before turning it around for him to view. There, on the tiny pink-framed screen, was a bad-quality picture of Lavi on his lap. The redhead’s hands were on his chest, and their lips were melded together. It looked kind of like they were stuck that way, actually. The mini-Yuu in the picture even looked a bit annoyed. Or perhaps that was Yuu’s pathetic excuse not to be reminded of how _good_ the kiss had been. That aggravated face was probably satisfaction with what Lavi had been doing to him.

“Your roommate, Lavi—he made out with you, so obviously you killed him. I just want to know where his body is so that I can keep people from finding it. You could always play the insanity card in court, should it ever escalate that far if you _are_ caught. I’m sure that your psychiatrist would back you—”

“I didn’t kill him,” Yuu interrupted. It amused him somewhat that Lenalee was thinking of such possibilities. He wasn’t that violent. Maybe.

“Of course you did. Don’t lie, Yuu-kun,” Lenalee brushed him off. Yuu would have been offended, but perhaps she had a point. He did tend to get angry at people who made advances on him. And Daisya had deserved it anyway. And it wasn’t his fault Cross needed Viagra now.

“He was drunk, he didn’t know what he was doing.”

“Wait… Is Yuu-kun… _defending him_?” Lenalee asked, shocked.

“No.”

The Chinese girl’s face lit up and then darkened in suspicion. “You like him, don’t you?” She asked slyly.

Yuu looked away. “No,” he said.

“You do, don’t you?” She said almost _raunchily_. Yuu tried not to blush.

“No,” he insisted.

“Yes, you do,” Lenalee countered.

“Shut up.”

“I knew it!”

“Shut up!”

“Yuu-kun has a crush!”

“ _Shut up!”_ He glared at her. But the effect was ruined by his enormous blush. Lenalee only giggled mischievously.

“Well, are you going to tell him?” The dark-haired girl questioned intensely, suddenly completely serious. It shocked Yuu how _quickly_ she could change moods. It had to be a girl thing.

“ _Che_ , no,” Yuu replied dismissively. His friend seemed horrified at this, but he tried to ignore her as she scowled at him and grabbed his shoulders. He didn’t really mind her touching him that much, especially now—especially after all she’d done for him. Still, he couldn’t help the reflexive twitch that just _wouldn’t_ go away even though he was beyond it. Lenalee was _safe_. She’d proved that much to him time and again, so why wouldn’t his body believe that too?

“Why not? If you like someone, you should tell them!” She exclaimed almost excitedly, as if she was a bit put out by his choice but thought that she could make him budge on the issue. He wouldn’t, though.

“Like you’re one to talk. _Moyashi_?” He shot back. Lenalee looked a little bit offended, but the expression faded too quickly for him to be sure. Besides, she was a big girl, she could take care of herself.

“We’re not talking about me and Allen, Yuu-kun,” the Chinese girl said quietly, blushing as hard as Yuu had been a minute ago.

All it took was a look for her to crack.

“Okay, fine, I know I’m being hypocritical, but it’s not that I haven’t been telling him, it’s just that he doesn’t _understand_ ,” she gushed. Yuu frowned. Typical of the idiot _Moyashi_. But still, he was no longer the center of her attention, and if she just kept on talking, he would feel better. It wasn’t that he didn’t like talking to Lenalee, he just didn’t like talking. He didn’t like being in the middle of things.

“Then kiss him. Maybe he’ll get the picture then.” It was sound advice, but now that he thought about it, he really wasn’t in the mood to listen to Lenalee moon over the stupid Old Man. The Chinese girl seemed slightly surprised that he’d said anything at all—it was extremely out of character, but then, he’d felt so… _off_ ever since the party (and that damn good kiss he’d had with Lavi)—but she seemed to take it in stride, smiling as if nothing at all was wrong. Even though it had to be, because there was no way in fucking hell that Kanda Yuu was falling for someone.

This affliction had definitely surpassed simple _crush_ and had gone into the terrifying territory of _really like_. Before he knew it, he’d be wearing his hair in pigtails and prancing around with a mug of coffee for Tiedoll.

“Hmm, I suppose I could…” Lenalee looked thoughtful. “But what about you? I mean, why aren’t we telling him?”

“ _We_?” Yuu scoffed.

“It’s the _royal_ ‘we,’ Yuu-kun!” She exclaimed exasperatedly, throwing her hands up as she rolled her eyes. Yuu smirked. Her tactics always cheered him up, even if it was only a little bit. Back when he’d been in the closet,* she’d been the only one to make life at Tiedoll’s tolerable.

“ _Che._ ”

“Well, anyway, why aren’t _you_ telling him?” The dark-haired girl questioned again.

Yuu shrugged. He didn’t really know what to say. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be honest with Lenalee, it was just that he couldn’t figure out how to articulate it. The words “not ready” didn’t seem to cover it. It wasn’t fear of rejection that held him back, it was something else, something he couldn’t quite define.

Some would call it trauma, but that wasn’t quite right, either. Yes, Yuu had been hurt, but no, he was no longer strictly tied down by that particular portion of his past. It was concern, maybe, concern for Lavi and for himself. Bookmen didn’t date, and like hell Yuu would do it for the sex. If he could even comfortably go that far.

Immediately, the faces swarmed around him, each one vying for his attention, even the blurry, indistinct ones. They swarmed in front of Lenalee, masking her like a dense cloud hid the sun. If Lenalee was a sun, which she wasn’t. Why was he making idiotic metaphors in his head, anyway?

As if reacting to his change in mindset—perhaps they didn’t like sarcasm?—the faces drifted away, revealing the Chinese girl’s face, soft with an emotion that looked vaguely like sad understanding. Her hand had appeared on his shoulder at some point, and though it was comforting as always, he found himself wishing it was someone else’s hand. Someone with red hair.

Which made his chest grow heavy. Could the idiot not stay off his mind for _five minutes_!? It was infuriating, having to think of him all the time. It made him feel vulnerable and weak—weaker than usual.

“Awww, it’s okay,” Lenalee said quietly as her hand moved up to pat his cheek in an amiable fashion. He remembered the first time she’d done that for him.

 _“Aw, poor Yuu-kun, having to sit next to the big, bad Daisya monster,” Lenalee said in faux-sympathy, grinning as she sat down next to him at the island in the kitchen. Next to him, the “Daisya monster” snorted into his_ Cheerios _._

_“Yes, please come and save me,” Yuu responded sarcastically. His voice was still high with youth even though he was fifteen. It irked him to no end._

_“If you insist!” Lenalee said brightly, picking him up and carrying him into the living room. Yuu didn’t care about the contact—he’d long ago stopped reacting aversely to Lenalee’s touch—but the fact that she was carrying him_ princess style _—well, the fact that she was carrying him at all—made him want to punch things._

 _Thankfully, she saw his anger and set him down (roughly, so as not to further demean his manly pride) on the couch. He glared at her, and if he had been_ Moyashi _or Daisya or anyone else, he would have gotten up and tackled her to the ground. But he was Yuu, and even if he liked Lenalee, he wouldn’t dream of touching her more than was necessary._

_“Sorry, Yuu-kun, but I know you don’t really like him, and I did get you out of there…” she mumbled, putting a hand to his cheek._

_“You left my breakfast,_ baka _,” he growled. But the Chinese girl laughed, patted his cheek quickly, and stood up._

 _“I left mine, too. Lemme go grab them, okay?” She walked off cheerfully and returned a few moments later with a bowl of_ Fruit Loops _and a bowl of soba. Grumbling to himself, Yuu accepted his breakfast and settled on glaring at the floor until Muffins came up and started purring at his feet, begging for soba he could never have._

Shaking his head slightly and dislodging Lenalee’s hand from his cheek in the process, Yuu stood up.

“Shower,” he grunted. Lenalee laughed.

“You’re so predictable sometimes, Yuu-kun,” she said with a smile.

Yuu had absolutely no idea what she meant.

\---

_September 24_

Without realizing it, Yuu had let three papers creep up on him. Even Lavi, who was rarely seen doing work, was typing busily away at his computer. Presumably, he had an essay for one of his language classes. Yuu, on the other hand, was up to his neck in homework. It was as if all his professors had decided it was time to stop going easy on the impressionable little freshmen.

Those fuckers.

But his professors aside, he really needed to do this. So he set about getting into his writing in English mode, which despite living in America for nine years, he still had trouble with.

He managed to get through half of his first paper when he realized someone was leaning over his shoulder in a very rabbit-like manner.

“What’cha writin’, Yuu-chan?” Aforementioned rabbit said obnoxiously.

“ _Che._ You’ve been reading over my shoulder, you tell me,” the dark-haired boy replied darkly.

“Well, I can tell you that you have _horrible_ grammar, and my god, how did you manage to misspell _business_? You’re in a _business_ class for Christ’s sake!” Lavi exclaimed.

“Shut up, it’s a hard word,” Yuu growled.

“Yeah, sure. Do you want me to check for errors? I’m really good at it,” the redhead offered helpfully.

“Whatever.” Yuu wasn’t going to admit that he wanted the help, even though all his teachers had pointed out his inability to use commas.

So Yuu continued to write and Lavi pointed out mistakes as he went. He wouldn’t have minded that much, except that the idiot was infuriating as he rudely and exasperatedly complained about the Japanese boy’s complete failure at distinguishing “there,” “their,” and “they’re” (even if he hadn’t made that particular mistake). He’d even gone as far as to ask Yuu if he’d even _learned_ English. Yuu had flipped him the bird. Lavi had had the _gall_ to look offended.

A few more hours passed this way, with Yuu getting more and more annoyed each minute. Until two firm, authoritative knocks came at the door. Immediately, Lavi froze. His smile grew wider as his eye grew faker. And suddenly, he was completely in persona for the first time in weeks.

The door opened and the familiar upright hairdo came into view. Looking down, Yuu saw the man attached to it.

Yuu saw the man give the room a cursory glance but almost instantaneously turned his attention to his apprentice.

“Lavi, will you come with me?” The old man asked, his voice as dusty as the tomes he probably spent days at a time poring over.

“O’ course, Panda!” Lavi said, all smiles. If Yuu hadn’t spent so much time looking at him—because they were roommates, not because he had some weird obsession with the boy—he wouldn’t have noticed the small indications of fear that came in the form of slight crow’s feet at the corner of Lavi’s left eye and the infinitesimal shaking of Lavi’s right hand. And if Yuu could see it, then Bookman probably could, too.

Still, even though Lavi usually didn’t get called out of the room—Bookman usually just dropped off Lavi’s newest set of notebooks and textbooks—there was no real cause for worry (not that Yuu ever would, crush or not). They could be talking about an issue that the Japanese boy could never be privy to.

They were out of the door before Yuu could blink. Five minutes passed without any worry. Ten minutes passed, and Yuu wasn’t even beginning to get anxious. No, not at all. Fifteen minutes passed, and maybe he could admit to feeling a little bit concerned. Twenty minutes passed, and then twenty-five, and Yuu decided it was time to go searching. He was about to grab his keys and leave when Lavi stumbled in, looking more than a little worse for wear.

In addition to the many bruises already beginning to shadow his too-pale skin, Lavi’s left eye was swollen almost completely shut. His right arm, covered in blood from what looked like a deep knife wound, was holding his left arm to his side, making the forearm sticking out at an odd angle all the more apparent. His shirt was splattered with blood, as were his jeans. There was a veritable stream of the red liquid stretching down the hall, all of it seeming to seep from his right leg. Stepping forward, the redhead grimaced in what looked like acute pain. He hissed as he took another step that turned into a very pronounced limp. With horror, Yuu realized that the apprentice Bookman’s left ankle was broken.

“Lavi?” Yuu asked too loudly, alarmed. His eyes went wide as the redhead lost his balance and went nose-first to the ground. The Japanese boy barely made it in time to catch him, and perhaps he shouldn’t have, because Lavi let out a strangled scream as his elbow was thrown further out of alignment. A bloody tear fell from the corner of Lavi’s puffy eye. Yuu didn’t make a sarcastic comment about it. That would be unfair. After all, he knew something about pain, and taking his pent-up frustration at Lavi out on the boy while he was in this state was just plain cruel.

Carrying the larger boy over to the closest bed, which happened to be Yuu’s, the dark-haired boy set his burden down. His first priority was to stop all the bleeding. Without care for modesty, he pulled Lavi’s jeans off, thankfully not taking his boxers with them. The gash in his leg was deep.

Yuu reached under his comforter and felt around for his small sewing kit and rubbing alcohol. He didn’t really know much about stitching people up, but Marie had had a few large scrapes when Yuu had been the only available driver in the house. It didn’t look too hard. And besides, he’d sewn plenty of Lenalee’s stuffed animals back together. The most epic time had been when he’d replaced Komurin’s head. When he brought the needle into view, however, Lavi let out a whimper—how he could see with his eye so swollen, Yuu had no idea—and another tear fell down his bruised face. A third tear fell as Yuu sterilized the wound. This time, the dark-haired boy couldn’t resist the jibe.

“Man up, idiot,” he growled, and then poured alcohol over the needle before jabbing it roughly into Lavi’s open wound.

To say that Lavi screamed would have been an understatement. It was more of a howl, like that time when Allen’s left arm had been completely shredded by the lawn mower back when he was fifteen.

The idiot managed to shut up after a while, otherwise people would think Yuu was murdering his roommate. Once he was finished stitching the leg, he proceeded to sew up the gash in Lavi’s arm. The idiot was quiet for that, too. Actually, Yuu was starting to get worried that the redhead was going into shock.

“This is going to hurt,” Yuu warned harshly, taking hold of Lavi’s shoulder and forearm and snapping the bone back into place. Unfortunately, that cued another veritable _howl_ from the injured rabbit. It was almost painful to listen to, and maybe there was a tiny twinge in Yuu’s heart, but he ignored it. “You need some ice for your eye, but you’ll need to go to the health center for your ankle. I’ll carry you.”

Lavi nodded weakly, and they set off.

\---

Two hours later, they were back in the dorm room, Lavi sporting a big, bulky black boot.

“Sorry for all this, Yuu,” Lavi said, sounding completely sincere. The Japanese boy scoffed and left the room with the large popcorn bowl Tiedoll had forced on him. As if he ate popcorn. After filling it with water from the bathroom, he came back and started stripping the room. Someone had already cleaned the blood from the floor in the hall, but the inside of their room was sadly neglected. As well it should be. Yuu didn’t want some person just _barging_ into his room like it was some kind of hotel.

“ _Che_.” He didn’t really feel like talking at the moment. He took a washcloth from a drawer and began to scrub at the floor, and then the walls (“I don’t remember bleeding on the wall,” Lavi remarked weakly), and then the mattress of his bed. The entire time, he was physically holding himself back from asking the apprentice Bookman just what had happened. But it wasn’t his business, so he really couldn’t expect to just butt in like that.

There was a long silence, broken only when Yuu went into one of his drawers again to get a second washcloth. It was stifling in the room, like the window was closed (which it was, but that was beside the point). The sharp tang of blood filled the air, making Yuu nauseous. It had the added effect of keeping some of the more indistinct faces from materializing in front of him. But the dark brunette with the small nose and eyes would forever be burned into his mind, along with the blonde that inevitably followed him and the foreigner that followed her. Other faces milled around, but they were vaguer than usual, softer, fuzzier.

“He didn’t really do it, he got someone else. Usually it’s not so bad and he does it himself,” Lavi said after a while.

God. The idiot didn’t get it at all.

“Why did you let him hit you?” He asked, harsher than he’d meant to.

Lavi looked taken aback. “Because it’s just a punch here, a needle in a bad pressure point there, nothing to worry about. It’s never been… this bad.” Just from his tone, Yuu could tell the redhead was lying.

“Whatever,” he said, trying to dismiss the conversation and maybe clear out his head. He was acting so weird. Yes, he _liked_ the guy, so he certainly didn’t like it when he was injured, but that was no reason for him to be so angry in this situation. He had no right to be. And anyway, Lavi was going to realize soon just how crazy his roommate was if he didn’t stop doing such weird, out of character things. Like carry him to the health center. Or let him kiss him. Thank God Lavi didn’t remember that.

Because Lavi was a Bookman, and even if Yuu had wanted to tell him, he knew he couldn’t. And perhaps that was why he was angry. He was angry because Bookman had hurt Lavi and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. He was angry because no matter how much pain the redhead went through, Lavi would still become a Bookman. He was angry because somehow, in some way, this incident had just made him realize that there was no way in fucking hell that his feelings could ever be returned. And that hurt.

\---


	7. From the Heart

Chapter 7—From The Heart

__One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.

\--- James Earl Jones

_September 30_

“Yuu, I’m stuck!” Lavi complained, trying to extricate his foot from the heater. How he’d gotten stuck in the first place, he had no clue, but apparently, he wouldn’t be taking the rubbish out now. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but his ankle was now throbbing at the awkward angle, and he could smell yesterday’s fish sandwich, which was currently at the top of the precarious pile of trash.

“How the hell do you get stuck taking the dustbin out?” Kanda questioned incredulously. His eyebrows were raised in disbelief, and a tiny, sarcastic smirk was on his lips.

“Well, I did, so will you help me?” The redhead pleaded. He tried to look pitiful, which wasn’t hard, seeing as his eyes—even the one under the eye patch—were starting to water.

“ _Che_ , do it yourself, idiot,” his roommate replied. Lavi frowned and glared across the room. Kanda was sitting on his bed, looking very comfortable with his back against the wall and his sketchpad in his lap. He was still smirking, which elicited some kind of fierce boiling feeling in Lavi’s chest.

“But I can’t!” He whined with much flailing of his arms.

“And this is my problem how?”

Lavi began to breathe-slash-whimper pitifully, giving Kanda his most desperate expression.

“Take the boot off, then,” Yuu suggested, sparing him only a glance before going back to his sketchpad.

“But it hurts.” Seriously, the throbbing was getting worse, and sharp, stabbing pain began to shoot up his broken bone.

“ _Che_.” Kanda put his sketchpad down with an aggrieved expression on his face. Standing up, he valiantly came to Lavi’s rescue. That is to say, he walked over, undid the boot, half-carried Lavi back to his bed, and then pulled the boot from between the wall and the heater. It must have been a bit more stuck than the redhead had thought, because Kanda went flying backward as the dumb thing became unstuck, and he landed rather comically on his ass.

“You okay?” Lavi asked between chuckles. Kanda shot him a glare worthy of Al Capone. Lavi cringed.

“As if I’d be hurt by such a thing. I’d have to be a real idiot to _break_ something,” Kanda replied, but it was an empty lie. Lavi wasn’t quite sure how he knew—Yuu didn’t exhibit the usual signs—but there was a tightness around the other boy’s dark, endless eyes that made this fact very apparent. Well, that and the fact that Lavi had seen him come back with many a limp, cursing under his breath about fucking idiots breaking things.

“Are you implying I’m an idiot?” Lavi pouted, sending Yuu a watery look.

“Why do I need to imply the obvious?” Kanda shot back. Lavi let a (fake) tear fall from his left eye and sniveled convincingly. The dark-haired boy sighed and tossed the boot at him. From its trajectory, it was painfully clear that Kanda was being considerate of his broken ankle. It landed a good meter to his right.

“Yuu-chan, you’re a meanie!” The redhead declared as he pulled the boot back on. His roommate simply scoffed and went back over to his bed, where he lay down.

It was a magnificent sight to behold. One hand covered his face, and his eyes were closed. His shirt rode up his stomach so that the barest hint of midriff could be seen. Kanda looked for all the world like he was simply reposing. And for some reason, that was very erotic.

Only not really, because Lavi didn’t think those things. He put a line through the entire thought and shook his head to dislodge it from his mind. Nothing was erotic. Because if things were erotic, then he was a teenager, and he had to be above those instincts at the moment, didn’t he?

Didn’t he?

Bookman had told him once that any type of desire could be seen as an attachment to the world. He couldn’t be attached. That was an unforgiveable crime amongst his clan. It gave the clichéd words _fatal attraction_ an entirely new meaning.

Besides, he wasn’t attracted to anyone. Sure, there were aesthetically pleasing and aesthetically displeasing people, but Lavi was not to judge. It wasn’t his place. Kanda could not be judged either.

Even if he was the most aesthetically pleasing person Lavi had ever met. Even if, had Lavi been anyone else and could label him differently, Kanda was _sexy_.

“Why are you even here, Rabbit?” Kanda asked, breaking the silence that had fallen over the room like a comforting, objective blanket. Lavi mourned—objectively, of course—its loss.

“Didn’t feel like going to class feeling like shit,” he replied nonchalantly. It was the truth, to a certain extent. Even though the incident had taken place six days prior, Lavi still felt uneasy and sore. Bookman would most likely kill him for skipping classes. The redhead could almost imagine his Master berating him—“why am I paying for you to be here if you don’t even participate in the experience?” He would say. Or maybe he would shake his head and call him a useless apprentice. Either way, Lavi really didn’t feel like hearing it.

And maybe that was also the problem. Even while trying to be objective, he was still _feeling_. What would he be feeling now, if he could identify it? Would it be apathetic? Listless? He didn’t know. He just knew that he didn’t want to leave quite yet, like there was something he needed to figure out first before he could reemerge into the outside world.

“Stop being lazy, idiot,” Kanda said with a scoff. He sat up from his definitely-not-erotic-or-sexy-or-attractive position and reached over to his bed frame, from which his sword was hanging. Attaching the sheathed blade to his left hip, the Japanese boy swaggered from the room like the cocky bastard he was. Seeing as it was nearly two o’clock, Lavi figured he was off to sword practice.

It was probably good that his roommate was out, because Lavi needed to stop introspecting about trivial matters and do something Bookmanly. Like do his logs or study. And there was also that six-page essay about Ernest Hemmingway that he had to do for American Literature, due the following morning…

\---

_October 3_

It was probably a good thing that Lavi had been avoiding Kanda lately. He’d gone to classes on Thursday and Friday and then went out with Lizzie and her friends on Friday night. What he had forgotten about, though, was the blank stretch of time between when he woke up midmorning Saturday and when he went out again.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Kanda, it was just that he had to stop the strange thoughts circulating through his head. They’d been coming more frequently, accompanied by dreams that, strictly speaking, he wasn’t supposed to have (but did). Of course, those dreams usually didn’t include anyone with a face, let alone—

Lavi shuddered, shook his head, clenched his hands until his fingernails nearly broke the skin, but nothing could stop that thought. _Let alone Kanda’s_.

_It was a dark and stormy night. That was to say, the blinds covered their window and the light was off. Through the darkness, Lavi heard a shuffling. The door and window were locked, and since he hadn’t yet fallen asleep, he knew no one could have gone through them. So that left Kanda. Perhaps he was off to the bathroom?_

_His bed shifted as his roommate randomly climbed into his bed and crawled over so that he was pinning Lavi to the mattress. The redhead’s breath hitched. What the hell had gotten into Kanda? Was he sleepwalking?_

_Dark hair tickled his face and bare chest—even though he wore shirts to sleep… but it must have gotten stained, so that was why he wasn’t wearing it now. Yes, his mind was filling in the strange blank now—as the Japanese boy lowered his slight but muscled form closer to Lavi’s. Heart pumping miles a minute, blush lighting the room like a foggy red beacon, Lavi gulped. In the dim light provided through cracks in the blinds, he could see Kanda’s equally bare chest, smooth and golden and tattooed._

_All thoughts flew from his mind. Kanda pressed down on him, and that was an erection, wasn’t it? Grind, grind, where were his pants? Gone, just boxers—how? Kanda’s lips were on his, nibble, grind, oh God. Oh yes, pull him closer, press of chests, hold and scratch and_ grind _. Hands fell to his hips and pulled away boxers. Yes, the fabric was happy to be gone, he was too, was Kanda? Oh, flesh against flesh, hot flesh and maybe something a little sticky. And mouth please, but no, it had to be on his own right now and tongue and then there was pressure on his neck, and teeth too. Nip, bite, so good. Weirdly sensitive on his nipples. Mouth hot over his navel and then OH GOD, DON’T STOP, YUU-CHAN! So good, hips bucking, so good, so good, so good, AAAH—_

No. Enough thinking about that. Otherwise even thinking about Bookman sullying his records would be useless.

A firm knock on the door pulled Lavi’s mind away from his disturbing dreams and back into the soothing objectivity of reality.

Before he could get up and answer, though, the door swung open and Lenalee danced in, arms flailing in some complex movement that Lavi could name should he feel like it. With a large smile, she plopped down on his bed, her right thigh close enough to touch his left. Subtly, Lavi scooted to the side, just so that he wouldn’t be too close to her. It wasn’t that it was bad to be next to her, but with his mind in such a fragile state, he could slip. Maybe he would start caring about her too.

Too?

No. He absolutely did not care about Kanda. It wasn’t happening. Bookman was wrong, they were all wrong. He didn’t care about anything. _He didn’t care about anything, dammit!_

“Hi, Lavi, where’s Yuu-kun?” She asked pleasantly. Fixing on his fake-as-ever smile, Lavi forced a light to his eyes and responded in the same airy, relaxed tone.

“In the kitchenette. He’s being monopolized by the ladies, apparently.” And no, however much he thought about it, he was _not_ jealous of those little harlots. Even if Lizzie was one of them.

“Ah.” Lenalee’s eyes went wide with understanding. Lavi wondered what there was to understand. “Good, I didn’t want him interrupting. I have a question for you.”

The apprentice Bookman had already gone through several possibilities to where this conversation would go, but Lenalee having a question for him was not one of them. He covered his surprise as only an expert could—with a smile.

“Are you gay?”

If he hadn’t had the self-control forged over years under one of the oldest, wisest Bookmen, Lavi’s smile would’ve faltered. His eye would have widened, his heartbeat would have increased, and he would have begun looking for an easy exit. It was hard enough to hold his smile as it was, but he managed it. Maybe his eye showed a little bit of shock, but it was nothing compared to the devastating expression that could have taken over his face.

“Er, no, don’t think so,” Lavi replied, and his voice only shook a little bit. “I’m asexual, see…”

His lie didn’t go over well. Lenalee realized at once, her expression falling from a smile to a pout. A cute pout, Lavi would say, if he thought things like that, which he didn’t.

“Everyone’s got a sexual preference, Lavi,” Lenalee said matter-of-factly. The apprentice Bookman shook his head.

“Not everyone. I’m not attracted to either sex, Lenalee, and even if I was, I’d be more partial to girls. They’re just so _adorable_ …. In that cute… fuzzy sense.” What did that even mean? Well, whatever it was, the girl dangerously close to him wasn’t having any of it.

“Fuzzy sense?” She looked close to an explosion. Whether of anger or of laughter, Lavi wasn’t sure. Still, it looked like maybe he’d convinced her. “Are you sure?”

Lavi nodded.

“Do you have a furry fetish?”

The redhead spluttered a little. “ _No_ ,” he blurted, feeling like his defensiveness would give her the wrong impression. “No, I just mean that… girls are cute?” He didn’t really like that he ended that sentence with a questioning tone.

“Are you sure?” Lenalee asked again. “I mean, when you think of a man sprawled out on the quad, naked except for a pair of shorts, doesn’t your heart beat fast?” Lenalee’s voice was becoming slightly breathless. “Don’t you want to go up to him and lie down, maybe run your hands up and down that beautifully sculpted chest? Don’t you just want to… kiss those delectable, slightly-parted lips? Don’t you want to get a small taste of the… saltiness of the… sweat on his neck?”

The Chinese girl’s eyes were closed, as if she could imagine the scene. A blush had come to her cheeks while she was talking, and from the way her words had gotten hesitant, low, and quiet, Lavi had to assume she was thoroughly enjoying the imagery. He wasn’t, though. He was completely neutral to the entire subject, just as he was supposed to be.

“Nope,” he replied cheerily, offering Lenalee another smile. But she was not smiling at him when she opened her eyes. The normal cheerful feeling the she exuded was gone and was replaced something serious and her eyes were… _knowing_. The same kind of expression Bookman would give him when he knew that his apprentice was lying.

“But if you were allowed to, what would you feel?” It was almost frightening, the intensity of her question, the amount that she had to know to understand exactly what that question implied.

He did not what to answer. That would mean admitting things that should stay in his subconscious. Because once it was said, he could never take it back. And maybe, deep down, he was afraid. Because even though he was allowed to be afraid, it was the cause of that fear that could and would, if he admitted it, kill him.

“But I’m not, so why think about it?” That same carefree tone, that same carefree smile. She would have to listen, because no one saw through that particular expression. No one but Yuu-chan.

“That doesn’t answer my question, Lavi.” Lenalee’s voice had turned slightly dark, edging away from the pure knowing, to anger.

“Did I ever have to?” Because if he was forced to answer, he knew what it would be. And last chances didn’t allow for such admissions. As it was, he was dangerously close to the answer; all he had to do was just _say it_.

“Well, you’re only talking to me, Lavi. “ And then she was back to innocent and sweet, just like he remembered her from the French night. But sweet and innocent didn’t mean anything when you only had one chance left…

_Bookman was pacing in front of him. It was unseasonably cool for September, or maybe he was shivering for a different reason. Lavi looked down at the picture lying on the ground. Someone had taken a picture from the party. Bookman had found it on the internet. One of Lulubell’s Sisters had posted it on Facebook._

_“What am I going to do with you, Lavi? I let you come here because it was an experience that had never been recorded thoroughly and because I wanted to test your ability to remain objective. You knew that and yet you continually slip.”_

_“It’s okay, Bookman, it didn’t mean anything,” Lavi assured him, willing his hands to stop quivering. He hadn’t done anything wrong, he had been drunk. It hadn’t meant anything, even if the mini-Lavi and the mini-Yuu in the picture looked they were having a good time._

_“Didn’t it?” Bookman asked softly._

_Lavi swallowed. He couldn’t lie to that face. That stony, I-take-no-shit face, topped with the most disgusting blend of stormy gray hair and too much gel. But it really didn’t mean anything. He didn’t even remember it, for Heaven’s sake! But Bookman’s face just grew harder and colder, forming into wizened marble._

_“This will be your final chance. You know what will happen if you slip again.” Yes, Lavi knew what would happen if he slipped. After all, if he was no longer a Bookman, the record needed to be protected. What was to say he wouldn’t follow his instincts in another drunken moment and tell people. After all, only Bookmen could give away such facts. Only Bookmen could spout the secret record._

“Lavi? Are you still there?” Lenalee’s voice permeated his thoughts. Oh shit, he’d just slipped. Why was the bed shaking? Why was it so hard to breathe? Why was Lenalee giving him such a horrified look? What was that annoying keening? Was Lenalee making tea? Did they even have a stove in their room?

The door opened, and Yuu walked in, looking confused.

“Hiya, Yuu-chan!” Lavi smiled, but his voice cracked. Why? What the hell was wrong with him?

Kanda’s face immediately softened with concern. Why was everyone acting so weird, and why was it so _goddamn_ hard to breathe!?

“What did you do?” Kanda growled, shooting him a glare, or maybe the glare was directed at Lenalee? It was hard to tell, they were so close.

The Japanese boy was coming closer now, and Lavi needed to breathe because his nose was completely stuffed. He didn’t think he had allergies, but maybe he’d suddenly gotten a spontaneous attack? Didn’t they just come like that sometimes? One minute you were normal, the next you were having an asthma attack or breaking out in hives or something equally horrific. That would certainly explain why his face felt so hot and why his eyes were so watery.

The keening noise had dimmed to the background, but now it was coming back in full force, and the bed just kept shaking. And then Kanda’s arms were around him, the soft press of cool skin to the hot, damp fabric of his shirt. A hand came up to his head and pulled him into the other boy’s chest.

“Why?”

That was a good question, but it wasn’t his voice that asked it. It was too high to be Kanda’s, so by process of elimination, it must have been Lenalee’s. _Yes,_ Lavi thought as the bed shook harder and something that sounded like a broken sob rang through the air—was Lenalee crying?— _why?_

“There are things you don’t need to know,” Kanda hissed. Why was he so angry? And why the hell wasn’t he answering the damn question? Lavi wanted to know why the hell the bed was fucking shaking and why everything seemed so damn blurry and why breathing was still so difficult (and getting harder by the second) and why there was a ringing in his ears and why that keening sound was still there, crescendoing along with other strange noises and why Yuu was hugging him and why had Lenalee asked such pointed questions and why he couldn’t admit that yes, maybe he did actually care for people and why he sometimes just wanted to touch Kanda even though that idea was stupid, stupid, stupid and why he couldn’t stop asking questions and why couldn’t he get any fucking answers?

 _So many questions_. Where did they all come from?

“What? You have to speak clearer, you idiot.”

Had he said something aloud? Was there another question to add to his long list? _It’s not Kanda’s business_.

“ _Che_ , it’s my business when you’re huddled on your bed, sobbing like the animal you are.”

What?

Well, at least it wasn’t a why question. It was still a question, though, and now there was another one.

“Would someone just answer me!?” He shouted, his voice cracking loudly. He sounded nasally, which made sense, since he still couldn’t really breathe.

There was a short silence during which Lavi assumed the other two were staring at him like he was an idiot. Maybe he was.

A whimper escaped his lips, followed by that weird keening sound, and suddenly everything made sense. He was an idiot after all.

How could he not realize he was crying? And, infuriatingly, another question was added to the monumental list. _Why_ was he crying?

No, this had to stop. He was done being an idiot, and he was done not being honest. He was tired of piling questions on himself. He needed answers. Was he gay? Who knew and who cared? Just like the most devoted monk, he didn’t give a shit about “matters of the flesh,” as Bookman so euphemistically called it. But he did care about Kanda, just a little bit.

And maybe that small admission was enough for him to cling desperately to the tight shirt Yuu was wearing and just let out all the tears that suddenly wouldn’t stop. Had he ever cried before? Yes, he had, but had he ever cried when he was sober?

No.

No, he hadn’t.

Sure, there had been times when he’d shed a tear of pain—one’s tear ducts tended to go awry when one was shot—but never before had he ever cried out of sheer emotional agony. How had his life turned out like this?

Fuzzy memories lurked in the back of his mind, and if he just explored his head, maybe he could just…

_His throat was in acute, stabbing pain, aggravated with each cough. Each breath was a huge effort, but every time he inhaled, he managed to drag in enough air to keep going another second. It was cold, so he shivered as tiny snowflakes fell onto his fever-reddened cheeks. It was important, vital even, that he stay outside. He knew whatever he had was bad, but there was only one habitable room in the rundown crack house, and the others could not get sick, not ever. Especially Mae. He would never forgive himself if something happened to Mae._

_Maeve was too precious to be lost._

_Throbbing wind cut at exposed skin. They reminded him of butchers’ knives, like they were being sharpened in his flesh. A fresh clump of mucus bubbled in his lungs, making him struggle for more oxygen. Oh, it was so miserable, so wet and cold._

_Time drifted in and out of consciousness; it lulled with the tides and thrashed with the higher waters. He suddenly felt very seasick. Maybe something coughed or vomited its way out onto the dirty alleyway’s stained concrete floor. At some point, he may have cried out for his mother, dead for the past month and a half, burned in the fire that had been his fault._

_All he had wanted to make was grilled cheese. But gas leaks happened, and when the spark went off—the kitchen, the entire apartment complex, everything, it was all ablaze, flames licking at walls and dancing away the shadows until everything was hot and dry and scary. Run, shouted his father. They did. He grabbed Mae’s hand and ran down the rickety old fire escape. Metallic footsteps didn’t cover the sirens as firemen came to the scene and failed to save his parents. His mother, so oddly sick that morning, napping in her bedroom, and his father, so oddly happy, going in to rouse her—gone in the same flash that had ignited the building._

_It was his fault, and maybe he wasn’t qualified to shout out for the person he had betrayed, but he was six, and he wanted his mum._

_Forgive me, and she did. She had to, because a strange man was in front of him, and he was scared and sick, exhausted and really, really sad._

_Come with me. I can make you better._

_Miniscule hands barely larger than his own pulled him up and into equally miniscule arms. How such a strange and old man could support such a burden, he didn’t know, but soon it was warm, even if it smelled funny._

_And the man did make him better._

More warm arms encircled him, but there was strength to them, like something crafted of metal. Like an anchor, maybe, to reality or perhaps to sanity itself. He’d forgotten some things, yes, but remembering them felt like a tidal wave of repressed emotion. What hit him hardest was that he no longer felt guilty. The many years of being a Bookman had jaded him too much for him to feel responsibility for the death of just two people, even if they were his parents. After all, hadn’t he done much, much worse? Hadn’t there been starving, wounded soldiers crying out for help from their friends—and then anyone on their side—and then anyone at all—as they died from wounds no one had seen them receive? Hadn’t he left them all there to die? Wouldn’t it have been a mercy to help or even kill them? But no, he’d stood, objective to everything, even his heart, and he’d watched as the soldiers gurgled on overflowing blood in their chests, watched as the soldiers’ lives faded before his all-seeing eye.

And he felt no guilt for that, too.

And yet he did, because why else would he be crying for all that he had done—and more importantly, what he hadn’t done.

The arms didn’t feel old. They felt young and limber, much more likely to win a “who can lift Lavi” contest. Slowly, reality seeped back into his brain like tea into hot water. Yuu was holding him, the very image of the valiant soldier rescuing the fair damsel.

Well, being a damsel wasn’t too bad, so Lavi sank further into the embrace, pressing his face to Kanda’s firm, muscled chest.

Nothing was different. He still felt guilty and yet not. He was still confused. But beneath all that, _everything_ was different. Kanda was shiny and strong, tying him tight as a sailor’s knot to this newfound awareness.

Answers started pouring into him. He didn’t know his sexual orientation, but he could find out if he really wanted to. He thought Yuu was really sexy, especially when he wore that delectable tight black shirt. The rest of the answers didn’t matter. They could come later, once he’d figured out what to do about the Bookman situation. Obviously, he couldn’t let the old man figure out that he’d slipped beyond repair. There’d be more than just hell to pay—seeing as Hell was where he was going. Even though he didn’t believe in any invisible deities with the power to see all (nasty pervert), hear all (eavesdropping nasty pervert), and judge all (self-righteous, eavesdropping nasty pervert). Hell was a figment of overactive zealots’ imaginations. It was for the weak to fear.

Hadn’t there been a time when he hadn’t feared for anything but his own life? What had happened to those simple days? Why had they disappeared so abruptly?

Lavi knew the answer to that, too.

Yuu.

A refreshing breeze blew through his chest. Everything was a bit clearer, like the mustiness that followed loud, obnoxious sobs had been vanquished. Like Kanda had become a dehumidifier.

When he finally looked up, Lavi blinked in surprise. Where had all the light gone? The light that usually filtered through the window was conspicuously absent, as if time had just sped forward, changing afternoon to night.

“Er, Yuu-chan?” He asked hesitantly. His anchor moved almost irritably and grunted.

“What?”

“Why is it so dark out?” Lavi asked innocently, even though if he truly asked himself, he knew the answer.

“That’s what happens when the sun sets, or did you lose a few brain cells crying?” It almost sounded as if Kanda was trying to hold back emotion. It was soft and mushy, like a bowl of porridge. Or maybe crème brulée would be a better analogy, as there was a hard, burnt top and a gushing inside of sugary deliciousness. Except that Kanda was not _sweet_.

“Even if I lost brain cells, I’d still be smarter than you,” Lavi commented, nuzzling a bit into his roommate’s chest. His words, just like the Japanese boy’s, were completely empty. It was mindless banter, stupid arguments made out of habit rather than necessity. They both had feelings to hide, and tormenting the other was always a very good way to do that.

“ _Che_ , as if. You’re even more of an idiot than before now. I bet you can’t even get sick.” Kanda’s voice sounded almost _light_. It was weird, Lavi decided.

“Well, now I don’t have to worry about Swine Flu!” The redhead said cheerfully. He wasn’t quite sure if the smile on his face (still pressed against Kanda’s chest) was real or not. Had he ever been genuinely happy?

Of course he had. With Mae, of course, and with the others. What were their names? M… M… Michael? Yes, Michael. And Gavin. Or Gavel. No, it was Gavin. Yes, things had been happy with them. Good times in the crack house.

He’d been happy when he’d made out with Kanda, he’d be willing to bet. Even if he couldn’t remember the experience, he did know that sometimes his eyes got caught on those thin, frowning, scowling lips. Objectively observing them, he’d told himself. He’d been in denial, of course. He’d been objectively observing just how kissable they were.

Even if he didn’t really know what the hell that even meant. But that pretty much described how he was feeling at the moment, so he could let it pass. Just for now.

“No, even idiots get Swine Flu,” Kanda countered. “It’s natural selection.”

“Doesn’t that negate your last statement? The one about stupid people being too dumb to get sick…”

“Nature makes exceptions.”

And suddenly, he was back. He was still confused, still lost and hopelessly touchy-feely, but he was still Lavi, and there was still a part of him that could be objective. Last chances meant he couldn’t lose objectivity. So he could make a compromise, couldn’t he?

“Kanda, I’m going to be genuine, but only around you. If I’m outside of this dorm, I’m ‘Lavi.’ I’ve said this before, sort of, but I just want you to know—I can’t lose. Not yet.” He couldn’t lose all that was suddenly very, very precious to him. _A friend_ , his mind reflexively told him. _Kanda is your most precious and treasured friend_. He couldn’t very well keep that friend if Bookman… well, it was best not to delve deeper into those topics. Those were for rainy days. And Mondays.

“Don’t call me by my surname, it sounds weird.”

Lavi leaned back to look into his roommate’s face. Kanda was conveniently looking away, but Lavi’s keen eye could see the blush on the other boy’s cheek. It was cute, almost, maybe even adorable—in a fuzzy way.

A sly look came to his eye at the same time a sly smile took his lips. “Aww, you just don’t want to admit that you _love_ me.”

For some reason, the blush grew—and Lavi would _not_ think back to that graphic dream wherein he was the one blushing as those… _damn kissable_ lips trailed down his neck and chest. Nope. Not thinking of it. Not at all.

“I don’t _love_ idiots.”

“But just like nature, you gotta make exceptions, _ne_?” Lavi teased, elbowing the dark-haired boy lightly in the ribs. He got a scowl in return, but it was familiar and nonthreatening. And maybe his heart was beating a little faster, because gay or straight, Kanda was _damn sexy_.

Even though, strictly speaking, he didn’t care.

\---


	8. Fooling Yourself

Chapter 8—Fooling Yourself

__You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.

\--- Anonymous

_October 8_

Bookman looked contemplative.

“You won’t slip?” He asked, something behind his dark eyes implying that he wouldn’t believe Lavi if he answered in the negative.

“Absolutely not, you paranoid old panda,” Lavi assured him, though his master looked anything but. “Kanda still has no idea that I’m not me—like that’d change just because I spend less’n a week at his house. C’mon, Bookie, lemme go.”

The Panda rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatedly. “If you slip, Lavi… well, you already know you’re on your last chance.”

Lavi suppressed a shiver from travelling up the intimate path from the small of his back to the base of his skull. He knew that feeling far too well, and fear would not be the most effective tool to convince Bookman to let him spend Fall Break with his roommate.

The whole situation had come about just a few days ago, when Lavi had asked Yuu if he was going home for the four-day weekend.

_“Of course I am, Rabbit—” Lavi still didn’t understand why Kanda called him that, but it didn’t really matter. It wasn’t worth thinking about at the moment. He could contemplate it some other time, like a time that was not now. “—Why wouldn’t I?”_

_“So you’re just gonna leave me?” He asked pitifully, not understanding why the strange emotion he was faking had actually settled at the bottom of his chest. Was it loneliness? Sadness? He couldn’t tell, but it weighed him down like an anchor._

_“Yes.” The answer was very prompt, and it cut, sort of. For some really idiotic reason, Lavi wanted to cry. He felt tears sting at his eyes, almost as if they were blood from the wound Yuu’s words had made._

_“I see how it is, then,” he said, pouting somewhat genuinely._

_“Well, you could always come with me,” Kanda said offhandedly. Lavi scoffed, doing a fair imitation of his roommate._

_“As if you would want an idiot like me around.” He was_ not _going to cry, dammit! He looked away to hide his face, just in case his eyes started to leak._

_“I was… serious,” Kanda said quietly, and when the redhead looked back at him, the dark-haired boy had his head turned. His neck was bent forward a bit, as if he was trying to use his hair to hide something. Lavi leaned slightly closer, and when he saw a light blush dusting Kanda’s cheeks, he decided not to tease him like his persona was urging him to do._

_“Oh.” There was really nothing else to say, and from the heat in his own face, Lavi knew he was blushing too._

_There was silence for a bit, which Kanda broke, surprising his roommate. “Are you… going to come?”_

_Lavi could only nod. He didn’t know why, but his heart was floating._

In his mind, Lavi shook his head, clearing it of memories that didn’t, strictly speaking, need to be recalled.

“I know. Trust me, Bookman, I’m taking this seriously.” He was. He hadn’t slipped yet, not anywhere outside of the safety of his room, not since the last time he and Bookman had “talked.”

“Then go.” Bookman looked resigned, leaving the room shaking his head. Deep in his thoracic cavity, Lavi’s innards were doing an Irish jig.

\---

_October 16_

Ah, blissful darkness. Around him was cold, and chains were on his wrists and ankles, but it was dark, delightfully dark. No one was there, not even the faces. He shivered. He knew this place. However, as long as it was dark, he was safe.

Safe.

That was something he hadn’t felt in years. But as long as the light didn’t blare to life, everything would be okay. No faces could come swimming into his tear-filled vision. No one could hurt him. Even if he ached, even if he was chilled like a fine bottle of champagne, no one could ever hurt him when it was dark.

 _“Yuuuu-chaaaan! Yuu-chan! Yuu-chan? Yuuu-chan? YUU-CHAN! Yuuuuuuuu-chan!_ Yuu _-chan!”_

Or maybe not. Fucking rabbits.

Yuu opened his eyes and flinched. Lavi, who was just barely illuminated by the alarm clock’s green numbers, was abnormally close, looking like a happy retard as he shook Yuu’s carefully cocooned body.

“Go away,” he mumbled, seething. The alarm clock told him it was half past five. He’d fallen asleep maybe twenty minutes ago. He wasn’t going to be able to fall back to sleep, especially with the dumbass redhead bouncing the bed and being all close and smiley and _weird_.

“Nooo!” Lavi crooned. “I wanna know when we’re gonna go! Is it time yet? I’m so excited!”

“No, you idiot,” Yuu growled, “Tiedoll’s going to pick us up at _noon_.”

Even in the dim, barely-there light, Yuu could see Lavi’s face fall. It disturbed him a bit to see how genuine the boy was right now. Did he really want to leave that badly?

“Sorry, Yuu-chan, go back to sleep.”

“Like I could after that, _Baka_.” He sat up—or at least made an effort to, but then Lavi was pushing him back down. Rather than waste effort and put up a fight, Yuu just let himself fall back into the soft mattress. It was still comfortable, even if he wouldn’t be able to sleep now.

“Of course you can!” Lavi smiled. His speech was hushed but enthusiastic, and even after Yuu shook his head in soft defiance, Lavi forced his roommate’s eyes closed and curled up with his head on the dark-haired boy’s chest.

Though no one could see, Yuu rolled his eyes. He had a suspicion that the rabbit could feel the action. In fact, he could almost feel the smile that Lavi was no doubt making at the moment. Yes, there it was, right against his clothed right breast.

He hated being so close to Lavi, but not because the idiot was holding him around his stomach and nuzzling into the crook of his neck. He hated how it made him feel. He hated that he was feeling exceedingly warm, warmer than he’d ever felt since his parents had been alive. Or maybe that was a lie. There had been good times, but they’d always been so busy… when they’d had time for him, it had always been rushed. There had never been anyone but _Onee-san_ to tuck him in at night. That had been pleasant, but there wasn’t a rush of warmth like there would be if it had been his mother or father. He wouldn’t come home from elementary school to find a meal on the table, except if his nanny—his _Onee-san_ —had gotten there early.

But right now, with Lavi’s breathing evening out as he fell back into the sacred darkness that Yuu coveted, he felt inexplicably _okay_. Maybe he even felt a little _happy_. And _peaceful_. Yes, that was it, he was at peace. He kept his eyes shut and listened to Lavi breathe, because that made everything all the warmer, all the calmer, and then he was drifting off, too, because the doors were locked, the windows were locked, and even with Lavi right there next to him—not quite asleep, but nearly there—he knew the boy wouldn’t hurt him, not ever.

When he dreamed, he didn’t fall back into that dark, cold room. Instead, he dreamt that he was in a field late at night, with only the stars to shine soft light upon him. Even the moon was absent, so it must have been at the very beginning of a new cycle. All about him, bugs chirped, and next to him, Lavi lay. Nothing happened in this dream; he just lay there quietly, calmly, and thought about how serene the night was, how wonderfully peaceful he felt, and how perfectly Lavi fit against him. Their legs tangled together in the sweet, dark grass, and the redhead dozed lightly on him.

After a while, the redhead stirred, opening two shining, emerald green eyes. It was weird, but his eye patch seemed to be missing. Lavi was above him, smiling down with the stars twinkling an ethereal backlight upon him, and he looked so soft and delicate, yet solid and manly. It came into Yuu’s mind to kiss him, so he leaned up and did so.

And it felt _good_. Better than at the party, when Lavi had been drunk. It felt one million times better, like the splendor of light left behind by the explosion of fireworks, or the rainbows cast off of falling water. It felt clean, or maybe clear, and absolutely dazzling. Yuu’s chest felt like it was going to burst.

In that soft, safe environment, they gave way to a brightly-colored passion, and as the first rays of sun shone into their eyes, Yuu felt, for the first time, that maybe he could heal after all.

And then he woke up.

Tiedoll was knocking obnoxious patterns on the door. Extricating himself from Lavi, Yuu got up to answer. The feeling stayed with him, though, even if it was destroyed a second later as Tiedoll glomped him, pushed him back onto the bed, and proceeded to nuzzle his neck.

It was gross. No old man should have been allowed to do that. Lavi made little groggy sounds from the other side of the bed. Tiedoll ignored them. Yuu wanted to kill him.

“Yuu-kun, I missed you so much!” Tiedoll said, located somewhere around his left shoulder. “How are you, my favorite son?”

“I’m not your favorite son.”

“Yes, you are!” Tiedoll insisted. “Don’t say ridiculous things, Yuu-kun!”

“ _Che_. Whatever, Old Man, get off.” But as always, Tiedoll refused.

“Yuu-kun is sooo mean to me!” Ah, now he understood why he hated “Lavi.”

“If you don’t get off, how are we going to leave?” That seemed to be enough for Tiedoll, who after several more squeezes, released him.

Yuu gasped in several breaths and collected his things as Lavi waited impatiently by the door with Tiedoll. Then they were in Tiedoll’s car, driving down the crowded streets toward his home. It took nearly an hour to get there, but when they did, everyone was waiting for them.

Lenalee, who Yuu supposed had gotten a ride back earlier, ran over to the car as soon as he had gotten out.

“Yuu-kun! Hug?” She asked, holding her arms out expectantly. She even pulled on her “cute” face, which involved making her eyes very, very wide. When he’d been younger, he’d called her a bug. She had promptly started to cry, and he’d never called her that again.

He nodded, and she wrapped her arms around his waist, placing her cheek on his shoulder. He patted her on the back a few times until she let go, smiling even wider than she had been moments before.

Yuu heard Lavi crawl out of the car and come up behind him, and he noticed the slight widening in Lenalee’s eyes when she saw the redhead. She was probably as surprised to see him as Tiedoll had been when he’d asked if Lavi could stay over break.

With a quick nod to Miranda and Marie, he pulled the overenthusiastic redhead into the house. His roommate was already in “annoying Lavi” mode, but for once, he didn’t really care. There was a little flame in the pit of his stomach, irritating and tingly, that reminded him that Lavi was there with him. On Fall Break. At _his_ house.

He didn’t know why that simple fact caused such a reaction in him, but it felt like the redhead had chosen him over Bookman, and that was a very satisfying thought.

The only problem was that Lavi was looking at him right now with that damn fucking annoying face that just looked… innocent and happy and a million other things that Yuu didn’t have the capacity to understand. He looked fucking kissable.

Walking up the stairs and down the hall to where his room was, he heard the idiot behind him making stupid comments like, “Yuu-chan’s house is _sooo_ big!” or, “There are so many rooms; I’ve never been in a house with so many rooms before.”

His room was a little dusty; obviously Lenalee and Tiedoll had listened to him when he told them not to go in while he was away. It left him feeling content in the fact that his threats were finally being heeded.

Lavi threw his backpack onto the spare bed, and it let up a huge cloud of dust. Okay, maybe he should have let Tiedoll clean. The redhead didn’t seem to mind, though, because a few seconds after the backpack had settled, the idiot jumped, just like a rabbit, onto the bed, filling the immediate space with an even larger cloud.

Yuu sat down on his bed across the room; it was a fair bit harder than his bed at school. Actually, it was more like sitting on a sheet of metal after months of feather pillows and down comforters. Almost immediately, he wanted to go back to school, but then he remember he was here, alone, with Lavi.

The dust had yet to settle, and the idiot was just lolling around on the covers stirring up more, which would have been funny, except that it was starting to bother his nose.

“Stop being an idiot,” he growled, and Lavi stilled.

“I’m not an idiot, Yuu-chan.” The redhead smiled at him and Yuu rolled his eyes.

“You’re behaving like one, and if it looks like an idiot and sounds like an idiot, then the only logical conclusion is that you are an idiot,” Yuu replied, smirking at the sudden downcast face his roommate was making. It was almost as if Yuu could see his rabbit ears drooping, which was stupid because he didn’t have rabbit ears.

“Yuu-chan’s so mean to me!” Lavi sniveled from somewhere inside the still-subsiding cloud of dust. Yuu made a doubtful noise that was halfway between a snort and a scoff.

“If you have a problem with that, then why are you here?”

It was a good question. Why the hell _was_ he here? Lavi looked thoughtful, and for once, the Japanese boy could not tell if the emotion was genuine or not. Then Lavi’s face broke out into a sly grin.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” He asked suggestively, winking. Or blinking. It was hard to tell with that damn eye patch.

It was completely within Yuu’s rights to hit people who said dumb things like that, and who was he to restrain himself?

“Owieeee!” Lavi whined, pushing him away to no effect.

“It’s your own fault, idiot. Why don’t you try being less of a dumbass?” Yuu glared at the redhead, spitting his words out. It was a pity they sounded soft despite the sting, sort of like marshmallows cooked over an open fire.

“Why don’t you stop being mean, then?” Lavi shot back, but the response didn’t phase the dark-haired boy. He’d suffered worse. Much worse.

An involuntary shiver curled up his spine, one he couldn’t quite suppress enough for Lavi not to see. Immediately, the redhead’s face dropped its brainless expression that was all smiles and no soul, replacing it with something that Yuu could maybe identify as concern.

It wasn’t unheard of, nowadays, for Lavi to switch so quickly between himself and his persona that they were beginning to blur together. It was as if Lavi had lost the defining line between them when he had met Yuu.

The dark-haired boy had no illusions on this subject. Lavi had told him full-out, or had at least implied it enough to be painfully obvious: something about his presence made the redhead want to be free, something about him made it easy for him to pry away years of discipline and control and become the self he was supposed to be.

In a way, Lavi was having the same effect on Yuu. The redhead’s annoying chatter was easy to drown out, and though it wasn’t the silence Yuu needed and veritably _craved_ , it was calming in its own way. It wasn’t the high-pitched screams of a young boy or volatile whispers slithering into his ear and hissing words in a foul string of Japanese. It wasn’t chains creaking or bones crunching or even that awful _slapping_ sound when the pain came. Lavi just _spoke_ ; he said random things about other random things, not really caring if his audience was listening or not. It was almost like he _knew_ that deep down, Yuu hated noise and he was trying to _heal_ that. He was like a breath of fresh air in spring. He was bright like the sun. He was alive like fire.

Lavi was his own personal Amaterasu—only male. And if that was the case, then he was Uzume—though he, too, was male—luring him out to shine that beautiful light on him. Only his plot didn’t involve dancing half-naked in front of a tub.

He really needed to think more about his metaphors before he thought them.

“Yuu-chan?” Lavi asked, his worried tone navigating the way into Yuu’s consciousness. “Are you okay?” Strong, gentle arms slid around his waist and pulled him into a warm chest. There was a rhythmic noise that Yuu identified a moment later as Lavi’s heartbeat. It was soothing, calming even.

“Fine,” he tried to say, but the words got strangled in his throat. Because _no_ , he wasn’t _fine._ He hadn’t been _fine_ in years, and even then, had he really been? It was time he broke a few barriers, because otherwise he would collapse completely. No, he couldn’t lay his heart out on the table, but he could at least pull the redhead just that much closer so that maybe, if he was paying attention to it—which he wasn’t—their chests could press together. And he could probably let his arms stay around Lavi’s own waist, and maybe he could even go so far as to let his head rest on his roommate’s shoulder.

After all, it wasn’t like he could stay invincible forever, invulnerable though he was. He needed this. It had just taken him this long to realize it.

He could still be mean, he could still be “Yuu-chan,” but he could also let Lavi comfort him, just a little bit, because otherwise he was going to _cry_ , and that wasn’t a fucking option.

“Yuu-chan?”

Oh, he hadn’t answered Lavi yet. What was he supposed to say? _No, Lavi, I’m not fine because all I can fucking think about right now is how miserable I was as a child and exactly what my mother looked like, staring at me as the life was extinguished from her eyes because a bloody goddamn pair of_ hedge clippers _was impaled in her goddamn fucking chest and those two goddamn creeps who ruined my fucking life._

He wasn’t on fucking Oprah.

“Yuu-chan?”

“ _What_!?” He snapped into Lavi’s shoulder. The redhead flinched noticeably, or maybe it was the proximity.

“Jeez, Yuu, y’don’t haveta bite my head off,” the apprentice Bookman said, sounding offended.

He couldn’t apologize. He couldn’t. Even if he hadn’t meant to yell. That would be like admitting he had done something wrong—which he had, but that wasn’t the point at the moment—to someone else. And what if that person hated him for it? He was a hate-able creature, after all.

“Just… just talk.” His voice sounded rough, guttural, like the crying option had suddenly become a necessity. He didn’t like that idea.

“What about?” Was it Yuu’s imagination, or was Lavi’s voice getting a little throaty as well?

“Anything. Just… anything.”

And Lavi did. He talked about the different species of worms and how snakes reproduced and how he had looked up different kinds of fish food but had yet to find one that sounded even remotely appetizing, even for the fish who ate it. He talked about how he was bored during all of his classes, about how he was second-guessing his rash choice to become a Bookman, about how Yuu felt really soft, kind of like a kitty cat.

“Muffins?” Yuu asked at that last one. It wasn’t that he was calling for him, just that he was reminded of that adorable fluffball of idiocy. Lavi was kind of like Muffins, now that he thought about it, only the redhead did this weird thing with his nose that was distinctly rabbit-like.

“Eh?” Lavi said, sounding surprised to be interrupted. Yuu was surprised to be interrupting.

“Muffins,” he said, and that really explained it all, though Lavi still looked mystified.

“You want muffins?” Lavi asked. Yuu sighed. Now that he thought about it, he sort of did, so he nodded.

“I’ll make us some.”

He wasn’t all that happy to let go of Lavi, truth be told, but he wasn’t listening to that creeping stalker part of his brain at the moment.

\---

_October 17_

What made people gay? Was it having dreams about roommates being naked on top of you as they _moved_ inside you? Was it wishing that your roommate would stay shirtless just a moment longer after getting out of the shower so you could stare at him? Was it wanting him to hold onto to you for just a few moments longer, just so you could feel the warmth? If so, then Lavi seemed to be going three for three at the moment.

He needed expert help.

Kanda wouldn’t do, especially given their current roommate situation, so that left one other option. She may have made him cry, but Lenalee had brought the topic up in the first place. It was likely that she would be able to shed some light on it.

Lavi had left Yuu in the kitchen at the mercy of Tiedoll’s incessant crying over “his favorite son” with the excuse of wanting to talk to Lenalee. He almost felt bad leaving his roommate there, but then he remembered exactly why he needed to talk to Lenalee, and the feeling left abruptly. Tiedoll would keep the dark-haired boy busy for long enough.

Knocking on Lenalee’s door, which was, for some reason, a very important thing to do, according to Kanda, he waited for her reply.

“Come in!” Lenalee’s sweet voice answered, and Lavi complied.

Lenalee was lying on her bed, feet propped up on the wall, hair hanging over the edge of the mattress, reading what appeared to be some sort of magazine. She leaned her head back and smiled at him, her face red from the blood pooling in her brain.

“Hey, Lavi, what can I do for you?” The Chinese girl asked, scooting over to the side so Lavi would have a place to sit.

“Lenalee, about our last conversation… I, er, I…” He couldn’t say it. For some reason, it was embarrassing to admit, especially since the girl was giving him a sly smile that indicated she knew exactly what he was going to say. It was a bit unnerving. So he decided just to spit it out.

“How do I know if I’m gay?” He blurted out—a bit too loudly, in his opinion.

The dark-haired girl sat up, looking a bit dizzy as she did so, but still managed to keep that same knowing smile on her face.

“That’s easy, Lavi! I have the perfect test!” She giggled and reached under her mattress, producing another magazine. He got a look at the cover before she opened it and had a bad feeling about what this “test” was.

“Allen keeps his ‘Playboys’ here because Cross keeps stealing them,” she explained, as if having porn under your mattress was something everyone had. She flipped through the glossy pages, and reaching the center, she opened it and turned it so that Lavi had no choice but to look.

“Are those even real? I mean, if you look close enough, you can even see the surgical scars.” He really didn’t see the point in showing him pictures of nude women lying in raunchy positions, bearing it all for the world to see.

Lenalee looked at the picture and chuckled. “You’re right, there’s no way those are real. But seriously,” she sobered immediately, “do you feel anything?”

He shook his head; should he be feeling anything? Lenalee nodded and closed the magazine, tucking it back under the mattress. When she sat up, she still looked serious.

“Okay, Lavi, now for the real deal.” As she spoke, she reached behind her back and grabbed the magazine she had been reading and flipped through it so Lavi couldn’t see. A few moments later, her face lit up and she smiled darkly at him. “This is my favorite picture…” Her voice trailed off as she picked up the magazine and brought it up so he could see.

Immediately he felt all the blood rush to his face. Why did it feel so hot? He looked away from the picture, but it was too late, the image was burned in his retinas forever, which may or may not have been a bad thing. No, it was bad because the heat hadn’t travelled only to his face.

Sleek and shiny from the glossiness of the page, an Asian man lay sprawled on a couch, one leg hooked over the back of the leather upholstery. The man had long hair that fell across his chest in a lazy arrangement. Dark eyes outlined by long lashes gazed soulfully out into space. His hand was caressing his manhood.

He looked exactly like Yuu-chan.

“Doesn’t he look _just_ like Yuu-kun?!” Lenalee exclaimed, throwing the magazine behind her in her enthusiasm.

“Y-yeah, I guess he does.” Lavi was aware he was sweating. Profusely.

“Sooo, what did you think?” Well, the blood definitely wasn’t just in his face anymore, and he’d never gotten a reaction like that to a woman, either, and he _did_ think that his roommate was the most aesthetically pleasing person he’d ever seen, so he guessed the truth was apparent.

“I suppose this makes me gay…” Lavi said, resignation in his tone.

“I knew it!” The Chinese girl grinned. Had it been that obvious?

“That’s it?”

“Yeah!”

“Seriously? That’s all?” Lavi was confused. He felt like it should have been more of an epiphany, like he would just randomly get the urge to go hump someone. Instead, he felt exactly the same.

“You should tell Yuu-kun,” Lenalee suggested, pulling the redhead from his jumbled thoughts. That idea set off alarm bells. If Kanda knew, he’d hate him for sure.

“I can’t do that!” He exclaimed, gesturing helplessly at the dark-haired girl in front of him. He needed to explain somehow, but he didn’t know exactly how to get his point across. From the bewilderment on the Chinese girl’s face, his hand gestures just weren’t cutting it. “I mean, Yuu would hate me. Something else happened to him—I don’t know what, but whatever it is, it’s hurt him enough that he still doesn’t trust me enough to tell me. I have an idea, but I’m probably completely off base with it, and I don’t really want to jump to conclusions when I don’t have any conclusive evidence.” This wasn’t actually helping the whole explanation process, so Lavi decided to get to the point. “But no matter what, Yuu-chan would be really uncomfortable if he knew. He’d hate it if he thought I was just… starin’ at him or…checkin’ him out or something,” he concluded with a shrug, giving up the explanation as a bad job.

“Well, he has a right to know… he _is_ your roommate after all.”

Lavi nodded, conceding that particular fact.

“And you can just tell him you won’t be looking at him… unless you’re _interested_ in him,” Lenalee said, ending her sentence with a sly smile.

“I don’t know,” Lavi responded truthfully. “I’ve never really thought about it. I mean, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to feel. I’ve spent my entire life repressing these kind of things. Lenalee, what does it even mean to be interested in someone? What does it feel like?”

“Well… I know when I’m around _Allen_ , my heartbeat picks up, and I just want to go around and hug him, and I want him to hug me back, too. When you like someone, you always want to know what they’re thinking or how their day has been. You could listen to them ramble on about dumb things all day just so you could listen to their voice. You’re willing to put up with their faults and hope that they’ll put up with yours. When you’re around them, you just want to _touch_ them. And seeing their smile is like coming home. It makes your chest swell up and get all tight, and all you really want to do is just prolong that moment and make them smile forever.” Lenalee’s face grew more and more wistful the longer she talked, as if she was thinking specifically of Allen as she said all this.

The apprentice Bookman nodded contemplatively and stood up, patting the Chinese girl on the head as he did so. “Thanks, Lenalee,” he said, and walked out. He had a lot to think about.

\---

Yuu was still with Tiedoll when Lavi returned to the kitchen. The man was _still_ embracing his poor roommate, who was looking slightly despondent at the moment. Well, despondent and _agitated_. It looked like the vein in his forehead was about to burst.

“Please, _please_ cook dinner, my favorite son!” Tiedoll was pleading as Lavi stepped into the room. Quickly, he walked over and gently extricated the dark-haired boy from his guardian’s grasp, pulling him into a kind of pseudo-one-armed hug in the process.

“Fine, Tiedoll, just stay the fuck off me,” Kanda answered, teeth gritted and vein still pulsing. Surprisingly, though, he hooked one of his arms around Lavi’s waist.

There was that heartbeat thing that Lenalee had just been talking about. If he thought back, he’d felt this way a lot, but he’d just chalked it up to his heart choosing strange moments to be inefficient.

Yuu led him from the room, back to his own, and dumped him on the bed.

“How dare you desert me, you bastard,” he hissed, but there was no real animosity in his voice. It made Lavi shiver, the deep, soft timbre that was issuing from Yuu’s mouth.

“Sorry, Yuu-chan,” he said, putting his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “I needed to talk to Lenalee about something.”

Yuu raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t she make you cry last time?”

“That was… a misunderstanding,” the redhead said nervously. Yes, Lenalee had hurt him last time, but now he was ready to be pushed. He was ready to shed some of the restrictions Bookman had put on him.

Why?

It was forbidden, so why in hell was he taking such a risk, especially when he was on his last chance? What was different? Why did he want to _feel_ so damn much?

He still didn’t know the answer to any of those questions, but he had a feeling his roommate had something to do with it. Maybe.

Wait, yes.

Yuu.

He was calling him Yuu. Somehow Kanda had become important enough to call by his first name, even in his supposedly impartial, objective mind.

He wasn’t sure if he liked his roommate, not like _that_ , but he definitely cared. It wasn’t just an indulgence to his persona anymore—it hadn’t been in a long time—but now it was more complete.

And Bookman could never know about it.

Or maybe he was just fooling himself. Did he like Yuu? The dark-haired boy sat him down on his bed and then sat next to him. And maybe Lavi _did_ want to hold him, hug him, see him smile.

Yes, he was fooling himself. He was interested in Yuu.

What was he going to do?


	9. I Want To Hold Your Hand

Chapter 9—I Want To Hold Your Hand

__Him that I love, I wish to be free—even from me.

\---Anne Morrow Lindbergh

_October 18_

Once again, Lavi found himself in Lenalee’s faux-sweet clutches. She was quickly becoming his confidante, which was in itself quite disturbing, seeing as Bookmen shouldn’t _require_ confidantes.

“Now tell me, Lavi, how did that make you feel?” Lenalee asked pensively, tapping her clipboard with a ballpoint pen and adjusting her glasses. Perhaps he could have taken her seriously, but every time he tried, the fake beard jumped out at him and all solemnity was lost.

“I’ve told you already, Lenalee…” Lavi said, trailing off so as to stifle another snicker.

“Yes, you’ve told me how it made you feel, but not how it made you _feel_.” She emphasized the last word like there was a difference. Lavi didn’t see it.

“There’s a difference?” He asked, deciding it was just best to follow her lead, she being his new psychiatrist and all.

“Yes!” Lenalee said exasperatedly, rolling her eyes and throwing her hands in the air. Her beard fell off and hit the ground.

Smiling and holding back yet more laughter, Lavi asked her to please clarify whatever the hell she meant.

“Well, it’s like the difference between like and _like_ or cute and _cute_. Girls just… _know_. Guys, on the other hand, are dumb animals that need the aid of proper womanly masters to even have a chance at understanding. You, being gay, are ahead of the pack. You should be proud.”

Lavi had never felt less appreciated, even when Yuu had dumped his pudding on him for being an “annoying chatterbox stuck on repeat.” It had taken exactly forty-three hours for the vanilla smell to go away.

“I’m not,” he said, pouting.

“Well, you should be,” Lenalee retorted. Then, rapping him rather harshly on the arm with a nearby meter stick (she was a Geometry major and supposedly needed it), she continued, “Anyway, the difference between feel and _feel_ is… feel is what your body feels, the emotions and the reactions and the like, but _feel_ … _feel_ is that little spark that you get when you stare at his hot, shirtless bod. _Feel_ is that little voice in the back of your head that likes to pop images of your loved—or liked—one in your mind while you’re masturbating.”

Lavi blushed. He’d done that once or twice before Bookman had caught him at it (embarrassing) and explained to him that such activities could lead to attachments (even though he’d been looking at porn on redtube and so couldn’t possibly get attached) and told him that he’d cut off his balls. The fear of castration was enough to stop any guy from honking the ol’ horn—plus, he knew Bookman would actually do it. That was enough to make any erection, no matter how desperate, go completely flaccid within moments.

“Ah,” he said, lacking any better response.

“Did you want to kiss him?”

Lavi wasn’t sure he liked the insinuating undertone, but he answered her question. “Yes.”

They were talking about yesterday’s cooking incident. Yuu had made the most delicious chili for dinner. Lavi had sat behind him at the island just watching the Japanese boy work, then set the table and place a plate in front of Lavi. When he gently patted Lavi’s shoulder as he walked away, it changed something in the way the redhead viewed his roommate. All of a sudden, everything was just _erotic_ , from the way Kanda sauntered back to the stove to the way he lowered himself into the stool next to Lavi’s. Even his concentrated face as he shredded cheese over his steaming bowl seemed oddly _arousing_. Just the little things that Yuu did, his _Yuu-ness_ , as it were, were suddenly unendingly endearing and flusteringly hot.

He had caught himself blushing and was thankful for the disguise the heat of the chili gave him. He’d always seen Yuu as aesthetically pleasing, but this was something different, like he was actually feeling, actually placing his emotions at the forefront of his mind and thinking with them. Yuu was _sexy_ , and he’d never known it as keenly as last night.

“Why didn’t you?” Lenalee asked.

“Because he doesn’t like me.” And that fact kind of hurt a little, now that Lavi was at least a little aware of what he was feeling.

Lenalee suppressed a snort, which made Lavi want to hit her. He was new at the whole feeling thing, and she didn’t have the right to laugh at him!

“Shut up, Lenalee,” he said, pouting and crossing his arms.

She giggled but swallowed her smile. “Why do you think that?” She asked. Well, Yuu was straight, for one, but since Lenalee would obviously know that fact, it didn’t need to be said. There was another reason, too, one that he knew was true because it always had been.

“Because I’m me,” he said simply. It implied what he was thinking—that he wasn’t likeable—but it didn’t say it overtly. Lenalee’s face showed that she’d picked up on that, and Lavi didn’t really want to share that bit of himself with her, so before she could open her mouth to respond, he added, “and Yuu-chan thinks I’m really annoying. He doesn’t like annoying things, not that way anyway. To like someone, you have to be able to stand ‘em, y’know?”

“Well, you’ll never know until you try!” Lenalee exclaimed.

“Try?”

“Yes! Y’know, Yuu-kun’s a big sucker for cute things, even if he doesn’t seem like it, so if you just act reeeaaally cute, he’ll fall right into your arms!”

“What? No way!” It was absolutely inconceivable. Kanda Yuu, badass extraordinaire, a closet cutesy lover?

“Well, Lavi, all men find cute things attractive. Gay or straight, if you make a cute face at them, they’re hard immediately.”

Lavi didn’t know whether to be encouraged or completely disturbed. He couldn’t understand how Lenalee could just smile and say something so… so… _dirty_. It seemed out of character, but then, she often went out of her way to act innocent, if her interactions with Komui were anything to go by. Just last night she’d been smiling and telling her older brother all about the board game and kitties night in her Sorority.

“If you say so, I guess I’ll give it a try…” He didn’t really have anything to lose, after all.

“Oh, good! Yuu-kun’ll be so pleased!”

Lavi tried not to stare blankly at her and succeeded in part.

“If you say so…” He muttered, getting off her bed and going next door to Yuu’s room. He had absolutely no hope that she was right and that Yuu would give him a chance, but he really wanted him to. Sometime during the past three days, during the whirlwind of hopscotch with Daisya and croquet with Tiedoll (which Yuu had sat out of, claiming he absolutely despised it), Lavi had felt the last vestiges of his persona pull away from him. All he had left now was himself, and avoiding Bookman would be the only way to delay the inevitable.

The inevitable.

Before he’d even touched the handle to Yuu’s door, he was back in the room he’d just left. His plan would last only a month or two, if Bookman wasn’t checking in on him so much. He’d have to pull his persona back on as much as possible, but he wouldn’t be able to pull off the happy-go-lucky characteristic for much longer. His real personality was getting too strong, pushing away all the temporary ones he kept folded up in his mind’s closet.

After forty-nine different personalities, he finally realized that he needed to stick with his original one. It was like finding out he was adopted (which he wasn’t) or like discovering The Question (whose answer was 42, naturally).

“Lavi, what’s wrong?” The Chinese girl asked, her voice concerned. He’d forgotten to say anything after he came back in and sat down next to her on her bed.

“You know how in baseball you have three strikes and then you’re out?” Lavi asked, because he needed to know the answer. It was very important to know.

“Yeah, but what does this have to do with what we were talking about earlier?” The dark-haired girl asked, obviously stymied.

“Well, did Yuu-chan ever tell you about how I got hurt?” The answer, the answer, he needed to know!

“Er, something about a disagreement or something?” It was obvious she had not been told any such thing. Lavi sighed inwardly. He really needed to know, and she was being so fucking obtuse. Not that he could really blame her, but he just _needed to know_. Patience, Bookman always said, patience is what will get you what you need to know. Just listen, listen and prod, and you will be rewarded with the answer you seek.

“You know I’m a Bookman, right?”

“Yes, Yuu-kun told me that much. Are you saying that _Bookman_ did that?” She sounded outraged, and Lavi was just starting to realize why. He’d suffered the same fate as those who’d been abused did—not recognizing it as what it was.

“Not directly.” The _not this time_ was kept out of that sentence. Lenalee didn’t need to know that. “He hired some kinda thug to beat me.”

The Chinese girl looked absolutely horrified. “What!? That _bastard!_ I’ll have Tiedoll call someone in to—”

Lavi raised a hand to stop her flow of words, and after a moment or two, she heeded his gesture. “That really won’t help, Lenalee. Anyway, what I’m trying to get at is that there’s a reason that happened in the first place. From the very beginning, I wasn’t very good at staying in persona. The fact that I still remember some details of my past before being an apprentice is damning in itself, but Bookman knows I don’t think of that very often, so he ignores it. It’s the fact that I can barely keep my persona up that’s botherin’ him now. That’s a big offense. A while back, I had my first warning. Bein’ beaten up like that was my second one… I’m on my last strike, as it were.”

It took the girl a minute or two to digest what he’d said. Finally, she opened her mouth and drew in a wispy breath. “What are you trying to say, Lavi?” She asked, and if Lavi paid attention, he could hear the tremor of fear in her voice.

“I’m sayin’ that if I’m kicked outta the clan, the record needs to be kept.”

There. He’d said it, the one thing that had been weighing most heavily on his mind. The one thing that he dreaded the most.

Lenalee understood immediately and gasped, her pupils contracting as her mouth opened in horror.

“No!” She yelped, her voice so desperate it came out strangled. “No! Lavi, no, that can’t happen! If Yuu-kun… oh my God, you can’t ever strike out! That would be… just don’t ever, _ever_ do it!”

That was not the answer Lavi wanted to hear, but it was often that way. He sighed. He didn’t know exactly how to put what he wanted to say into words.

“I don’t have a choice. If Bookman finds out, I’m screwed. And he _will_ find out, Lenalee, that’s what he does best.” He tried his best not to sound sullen, but he wasn’t that great at acting anymore.

“That’s cruel,” the Chinese girl said softly. She looked for all the world as if she was about to cry. Her fists were clenching in the fabric of her pants. “So horrible.”

Lavi could only nod. What else was he supposed to say?

“Does Yuu-kun know?” Lenalee asked, her voice low and airy, haunted.

This time, he shook his head. It felt like he’d lost the ability to speak.

“Yeah, it’d be kinda hard to tell him that, wouldn’t it?” To his surprise, the Chinese girl leaned over and hugged him to her chest as she spoke.

It was warm, and her strong, steady heartbeat was encouraging. Hugging Yuu felt different, deeper almost, like his body was acknowledging what his heart couldn’t. With Yuu, hugging was firm, secure, but with Lenalee, it was sweet and light, like embracing a cloud. Her arms were steady but gentle, and her even breaths lulled him enough to close his eyes and relax further into her chest. Vaguely, he thought that her breasts were squishy. They were comfortable and soft, too, making Lavi not want to move.

“I don’t want to die,” he confessed. He didn’t understand why his voice went mushy and humid there. Actually, he sounded a bit congested. Maybe he wasn’t hallucinating that first time he’d talked to Lenalee and he was developing allergies.

“I know, Lavi, I know,” she not-quite-cooed, rocking him back and forth a little bit and running soothing, feminine hands through his hair, pulling away tangles as they got caught. He decided he wasn’t properly balanced, so he put his arms around her waist, his heart soaring a little bit as he got drunk off the taste of caring.

No one touched him like this, not even Yuu, who was not quite capable of such soft love. Lavi very nearly purred into it, becoming the cat he sometimes envisioned his roommate as, because never before had he felt so calm and relaxed, like his worries and fears were being pushed away by Lenalee’s very presence.

For a moment, he wished Lenalee was his mother so he could feel this way all the time, this untaxing comfort.

Even if his real mother was dead, he was sure she wouldn’t mind letting him replace her with Lenalee. Well, maybe she would, but she probably wouldn’t care if he only did it for this little bit.

Touch was a physical human need, evidenced by Harry Harlow’s monkey experiment in the Fifties. Never before had Lavi realized just how much he needed it. It wasn’t that Bookman didn’t touch him, it was just that there were no feelings of concern or caring—as well there shouldn’t be—so it had been a long time since he’d felt a hand massaging his scalp lightly as it pulled his hair this way and that, maybe since before his mother had died.

He was remembering more and more of his previous life, too, of his mother and his father, of Mae, of their two friends in the crack house. He remembered playmates and being schooled by stern teachers in large classes. He remembered his devious plan to get more pocket money. He remembered helping Mae learn to read.

There was too much to give up on by dying. He was sure that his little sister—younger by only a few minutes—was still out there somewhere. Though her face was still foggy and indistinct in his mind, he knew that she still existed, and he wanted to find her someday, maybe after Bookman had passed and he’d inherited the title. If he didn’t get killed for failing at the simple task of staying objective.

Yuu, too, was very important, perhaps the most important of all. He knew now that he wanted to be with the other one, whether as a couple or not he wasn’t sure, but he did know that he wasn’t ready to give up on their friendship, on the warmth he felt when he was with the other boy. His family, so crazy, would always be there to help him out as long as they were friends, and that support system appealed to Lavi very much. He wanted to help Yuu make fun of Allen, to outwit Daisya in ways to annoy Yuu (they were already in competition, much to Yuu’s consistent annoyance—so their job was already well done), to bother Komui by winking flirtatiously at his little sister, to always be able to come to Lenalee for sorely needed advice…

Yes, life was interesting now, interesting and beautiful and maybe even a little scary, and he didn’t want Bookman to take that away, whether by ending his life or by his decision to continue being a Bookman.

Lavi believed this was the definition of being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Either way, he lost something important. By rebelling, he lost his life and the opportunities that he currently had, but by staying a Bookman, he lost his humanity. He’d spent too much time without humanity to want to go without it ever again.

“What do I do, Lenalee?” He asked after some time. He felt like he’d been thinking for hours, but he knew only a few minutes had passed.

“You could tell Yuu about it. You’re his friend, so I’m sure he’d be willing to protect you.”

He knew Lenalee was trying to be helpful, but involving his roommate was the last thing Lavi wanted. It was that whole damn caring thing, but there was no way he could put Yuu in danger like that. If he protected Lavi, Bookman would definitely eliminate him, too.

And besides, Yuu knew far too much. Bookman would assume that, by protecting Lavi, Yuu knew the secret record as well.

“But Lenalee—” he had to explain that to her.

“No, Lavi, I really think that’s what you should do.”

She sounded so reasonable, and while he couldn’t put Yuu in danger, he also desperately needed a way out. It was the only escape he could think of.

“Okay,” he said, knowing all the while that he shouldn’t have agreed.

“Good, now off you go to Yuu-kun. I bet he’s missing you already,” Lenalee said as she winked and made shooing motions with her hands.

With a sigh, Lavi returned to Yuu’s room, not feeling any better than when he’d first left. Vaguely, he realized that his excuse that he needed to use the restroom wasn’t going to hold; Yuu would probably have checked the bathrooms, so the redhead would just end up telling him the truth anyway.

“Howdy-doody, Yuu-chan-dy-dandy!” He hailed from the doorway. Not unexpectedly, Yuu growled. Limping in, he went over to Yuu’s bed and sprawled over him in a way he was sure was not appreciated.

“Get off—can’t—” Yuu said. Flipping around and rewarding himself with a grunt from his dark-haired mattress, Lavi found the Japanese boy’s face turning rather blue-ish.

“Oh, ‘scuse the rudeness, didn’t know y’couldn’t breathe.” Perhaps he was overdoing the slur. “Here ya go.” He decided he didn’t care as he sat up and let his roommate gulp for greatly-needed air.

After a few moments of gasping, Yuu managed to return to his normal color.

“What do you want?” He asked harshly. The glare he was shooting at Lavi, who had somehow ended up scooting his way onto his roommate’s lap, was completely expected.

“What makes you think I want somethin’?” Lavi replied innocently, fixing his appearance into something cuter.

“Because if you’re anything like Lenalee, when you want something, you come up and _hang_ off me.” The Japanese boy pushed him back, but Lavi didn’t budge. His experiment had paid off; Kanda was blushing. It was faint, almost like someone had dusted a little bit of rouge on his cheeks, but it was clearly showing through his pale golden skin.

“Well, can’t I just hang off of you if I don’t want something?”

“No.” Ha. The blush was a little more pronounced.

“Why not?” Lavi said plaintively, twining his arms around Yuu’s neck and leaning forward so that their chests just barely touched. The dark-haired boy he was holding was blushing even harder, but Lavi was no longer unaffected. His heart was beating inefficiently at a mile a minute, and his palms were beginning to sweat. Even his breaths were coming just a little bit faster.

“Because you do want something.” It was sound logic.

Lavi pouted and then proceeded to make the most adorable face he thought he had ever managed, and checking the reflection in Yuu’s eyes, he found he had succeeded.

“What?!” Yuu nearly shouted in his ear.

“Nuuuthin’.” He smiled back at his roommate’s grumpy face. They both knew he wanted something. Lavi was just putting off the inevitable.

“Whatever,” Yuu mumbled, rolling his eyes.

“ _Ne_ , Yuu?” Lavi asked after a sufficient number of minutes had passed.

“What do you want?” The dark-haired boy growled.

“What would you do if I had to leave?” Lavi asked, trying to make it sound as hypothetical as possible. The atmosphere of the room sobered immediately.

“What do you mean?” Yuu asked, sounding wary and maybe a little suspicious.

“What if I left? Withdrew from Harvard and travelled to lands unknown?” Lavi clarified vaguely.

“Well… I suppose I’d be…” Yuu paused as if unable to go on without insulting his pride, “…lonely?” The way he ended that sentence struck a previously unknown cord in Lavi’s atrophied heart. It made him feel lonely, too. But amidst that feeling was also something happy—or maybe a more apt word would be _glad_ —that someone cared about him enough to yearn for his presence, that someone would miss it if it ever vanished.

“Really?” He asked, unable to keep the slightly excited tone from his voice.

“Why do you sound happy?” Yuu asked, sounding incredulous. Secretly, the redhead didn’t blame him.

“’Cause Yuu-chan’ll miss me!” He pulled his arms just a little bit tighter, sparing the dark-haired boy from strangulation only by lowering his grip so that it was around the boy’s shoulders.

“Don’t call me that with that… _tone_.” The dark-haired boy sounded disgusted now.

“What tone?” Lavi asked innocently, widening his eye for effect.

“That fucktard tone.”

“Eh?”

“That obscenely happy, disgusting… _tone._ ” Yuu spat out the last word like it was a curse of the vilest sort.

Lavi almost wished he really did have bunny ears so that he could make them droop. It would add to the expression he was trying to make.

“What else do you want?” Lavi thought his roommate was trying not to sound impatient.

“Nothing. Well, I’m just curious, y’know? Yuu, what would you do if I died?” There. It was happening again. The room was getting all wistful and somber.

“Well, that depends, who killed you?”

“What makes you think somebody killed me?”

“Because not even you are stupid enough to knock yourself off, so by default you would have to be murdered.” Once again, the logic was absolute and flawless. Lavi was far from easy to kill—he knew basic self-defense and had a spatial awareness unlike any other’s. He might be clumsy from the lack of depth perception, but he knew how to dodge bullets, how to calculate trajectories of projectiles moments before they were fired, and he knew how to patch himself up in the unlikely event he actually got hurt.

Nor was he suicidal. He’d never been on a long-term medication in his entire life (though he knew eventually it would become necessary, especially with the stress he’d be under as the next Bookman), so he didn’t have to worry about overdosing. And klutz that he was, even he knew basic safety measures, so even if he tripped with scissors in his hands, Yuu didn’t need to worry about him accidentally impaling himself on them.

“What, I can’t die in some tragic accident?” Like a train crash or something. It was possible, though not highly plausible.

“You’re already a tragic accident. It’d be redundant.”

Lavi felt a bit offended, felt a tiny tick of annoyance in his heart, but he ignored it and replied instead, “That was below the belt.” And so what if his tone came out just a little upset?

“No, it wasn’t. Below the belt would include insulting your face and your mother, as well as your religion, and while we’re at it, your race, which is what, exactly?” Yuu said nastily.

“Fuck you.” Lavi felt very hurt, and his chest was starting to get kind of tight. He didn’t like this feeling and wished it would go away.

“Glad we’ve come to an understanding.” To make matters worse, Yuu sounded smug. He probably hadn’t realized his joking had hurt, so the redhead decided to ignore it all—push it out of his conscious mind, just like he always did (and always should do, but he pushed that thought back there with all the feelings)—and continue on with what he had been trying to say earlier.

“But back to the topic at hand!” Lavi exclaimed, brandishing a finger high into the air. “What would you do if I died?”

“Track down the bastard who killed you.”

He said it so casually, as if this was an obvious fact. For a moment, Lavi was stymied. Someone would do that for him? The feeling such a thought inspired was almost like little miniscule fireworks going off in his stomach, and it wiped out the crushed emotions from just a moment before. He felt inexplicably happy.

He wanted to smile.

“You would?” Lavi asked. He had to make sure. He had to give Yuu the choice to take it back, to make him feel miserable again.

“ _Che_ , of course, idiot. I’m not about to let your murder go unavenged.”

Once again, Yuu’s tone was casual. Once again, it sounded like he would actually go through with it. That was probably bad news, since Bookman and his clan would maim the Japanese boy, but the redhead was still touched that his roommate and best friend would go through all the trouble just for him.

“Ooh, avenge me, avenge me!” He shouted, just so that Yuu wouldn’t get the hint that he was so emotionally attached. He let his arms fall from the other boy’s shoulders and flopped down further into Yuu’s lap, rolling a bit so that he could see up his nostrils. He smiled.

And it felt dazzling.

For the first time in his entire life, he felt truly content, truly free of all the horrors he had seen, and it was all because of this boy that he liked. He wanted to always be like this: him in Yuu’s lap—or at the very least, near the boy—with Yuu scoffing at him and unconsciously beginning to pull his hand through Lavi’s hair. The motion was soothing. Pat, stroke, pat, stroke, fingers through separate strands, pat, stroke. It was almost rhythmic.

“You are such an idiot sometimes,” Yuu said, shaking his head and looking like he was holding back a smile of his own.

There was silence for a while, wherein Yuu continued to lightly caress his hair. The Japanese boy’s expression was soft, kind of like the inside of his crème brulée expression was beginning to seep outward. Lavi gazed into his eyes with a sense of wonder. He’d never seen Yuu look that… _vulnerable_ before.

“So, you’re on your last chance, huh?” The dark-haired boy said quietly, breaking the comfortable silence.

“Eh?” Lavi replied, stunned. How had Yuu known that?

“You’re on your last chance,” the other boy repeated. Lavi gulped and stiffened, though Yuu continued to pull his hand soothingly through his hair.

“How did you—?” He began, but the words just wouldn’t come out.

“There’s a vent that connects my room to Lenalee’s,” Yuu said simply.

“What!?” Lavi was horrified. “You heard the whole conversation?” He didn’t want Yuu to know he liked him—or that he was gay, for that matter—as it would make things very awkward in their room.

“No, only bits and pieces.”

Lavi breathed easier. That was definitely a relief. If Yuu didn’t know about his feelings, then he was in the clear, and seeing as the boy had yet to bring up said topic, he was pretty sure Yuu hadn’t heard a thing about it. He had to make sure—otherwise his heart wouldn’t stop beating so fast.

“What did you hear?”

“You’re on your last chance and you not wanting to die.” Lavi was immediately relieved. “…Amongst other things.” Yuu had a small smile on his face.

“Ah, well, what kind of—”

“Last chance?” Yuu insisted firmly.

“Oh.” Lavi blushed in something that may have been embarrassment but which he thought had more to do with the stern look on Yuu’s face and how sexy it was. “Yeah…” His voice was withering. “I… well, I don’t really have much time left,” he admitted.

He wasn’t expecting the rap on his head. Glaring up at Yuu, he tried to seem angry and menacing, but the tears at the corner of his eye weren’t helping that endeavor.

The Japanese boy scoffed. “I’ll protect you.”

Lavi was pretty sure those words had never passed Yuu’s lips in that particular order. He didn’t think the boy had ever been that polite to him, either.

“Idiot,” the dark-haired boy in question finished.

Well, there went that theory. It was almost like Yuu was trying to protect himself by adding such phrases onto his speech. It made sense, if Lavi thought about it. He had his own ideas about what had happened to Yuu that the Japanese boy wasn’t telling him, and he was pretty sure it had to do with exposure to things a young child should never be exposed to, so it made sense that Yuu would try to keep the world at a distance by pretending he didn’t care. Because—and Lavi certainly understood this logic, having lived through it himself—if you didn’t care, then you didn’t have to hurt so very much. The world didn’t have to be so cold, so frozen to you. If you didn’t care, you could smile and not mean it.

Lenalee had shown Lavi some old photo albums in the past few days. In each of them, Yuu was never smiling, but every once in a while, there was one that looked forced, like Tiedoll had bribed him with something (probably soba) to get the expression on his face. There were a few candid ones of him lightly smiling at Lenalee—playing video games or talking on the couch, normal things—but in each posed picture, Yuu looked grim. In those posed pictures, there was never a smile in his eyes.

“You would really do that?” Lavi asked, trying to grasp why this conversation suddenly seemed so important to his existence.

“I promise.” Yuu spoke with a silently burning conviction that Lavi could just barely hear in his voice. But like his real smiles—which were few and far between but were worth whatever stupid thing Lavi had done to get them there—the expression showed exclusively through his eyes. There was a tightness there, and his mouth was in a firm, determined line. Even his nostrils looked serious.

This was a defining moment in their friendship. If Lavi chose took take the offer—and it was looking very tempting at the moment—there would be a deep bond between them that could never be erased. Lavi could not hide this bond from Bookman for long, but if Yuu was able to go through with what he’d promised, then Lavi would be safe. And didn’t he feel very safe right now, with Yuu still smoothing his fingers through the redhead’s hair?

But if he didn’t take the offer, he could still be killed. In fact, the likelihood went up at least tenfold. He wouldn’t have the companionship his body was starting to _crave_. He wouldn’t have the contact or those serene smiles Yuu sometimes made when he thought Lavi wasn’t looking or the really yummy food that he’d filch out of the fridge or even the scoffing commentary on his shower singing.

If he didn’t take the offer, he could lose Yuu, and that was simply unacceptable. He needed Yuu. More than he’d ever needed anyone, even Bookman, even Mae and Gavin and Michael, even himself. He couldn’t describe it, but right now, he was fragile, both in his barely-alive persona and in his hardly-flourishing real self.

“Really?” Lavi said in order to buy himself a little bit more time to think.

“Yes,” Yuu replied promptly. So much for time. He needed to decide now. But he couldn’t. But he needed to. Yes or no, yes or no.

Yes.

“Okay.” And with that, the secret pact was made. The bond that had been forming between them all semester suddenly hardened and became very real. Maybe this was what it was like to have a best friend. Lavi cherished the feeling.

Lavi shifted to the other side of the bed so that his legs were draping over Yuu’s. To his surprise, the boy lowered himself into a lying position as well. He put his arms on Lavi’s shoulder and pushed him so that he was on his right side, his blind eye stuffed unceremoniously into the pillow at the head of the bed. Something warm and strong pressed against his back, and Lavi had the distinct feeling it was Yuu’s chest. Secure, steadfast arms pulled him closer, so that he could feel every contour of Yuu’s body against his own. The pillow disappeared, replaced with the surprising coolness of Yuu’s skin. It was a comforting chill, though, like the dark-haired boy was really there, not some illusion thought up in his desperation-addled mind.

They fell into an easy, companionable silence again. All that needed to be said had been said. But Lavi couldn’t help but add one last bit.

“ _Ne_ , Yuu?”

“Hmm?” The Japanese boy sounded a bit droopy, like he was tired.

“Do you like cute things?”

“Hmm?” Now the Japanese boy sounded dimly curious.

“Cute things—do you like ‘em?”

“I don’t hate them?” Yuu replied, returning question for question.

“That means you like ‘em. _Ne_ , what do you think is cute?”

There was a pause for a while, and then Yuu took a breath.

“Rabbits,” he said.

“Rabbits,” Lavi repeated.

“Rabbits,” Yuu stated.

“So if I got you a stuffed rabbit plushie, you’d love it to death?” The redhead questioned.

“Yes,” Yuu said sarcastically. “I’d love it so much I’d behead it with Mugen.”

Lavi sniveled a little. “So mean,” he said, feigning tears in his voice.

“You’re such an idiot.”

“You are too.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You are.”

“Shut up.”

Lavi smiled a little to himself and then slyly grabbed hold of Yuu’s arm, which was draped over his still body. He could have sworn he felt a little smile on the back of his neck.


	10. Mixer at Kappa Psi

Chapter 10—Mixer at Kappa Psi

__I’m not a slave to objectivity. I’m never quite sure what it means. And it means different things to different people.

\---Peter Jennings

 _October 26_

Tiedoll had taken them back the following evening, and Yuu had watched Lavi and Lenalee make merry in the backseat through the rearview mirror. Outwardly, everything had seemed normal, but Yuu knew better.

Lavi was lighter than usual—happier, brighter—and Yuu hoped (not that he would tell anyone) that it had everything to do with his promise.

And he always kept his promises. He hadn’t told Lavi that, but it was enough for him to know it. So far since Fall Break, Bookman had visited once, but he hadn’t stayed longer than it took to give Lavi his new logbooks and shoot a hateful glare at the Japanese boy.

At the moment, the idiot was sprawled next to him on his bed, feet on the wall by the headboard, right arm hanging like a limp piece of idiot off the side. All in all it was all quiet on the dorm front.

Then there was a mighty pounding on the door. Lavi lazily raised his head, then put it back down on the blankets a moment later.

“You get it, Yuu-chan, I’m too comfy,” the redhead mumbled.

With a scoff, Yuu got up and walked to the door. Upon answering it, he was pushed to the side by Lizzie, who slammed the door after her entrance.

“The fuck?” Yuu asked at the brunette, who was out of breath and red-faced.

“You guys have to hide me from my mom! She wants me to quit school and join a convent!” She exclaimed.

Well, that was something Yuu hadn’t heard before.

“Why a convent?” Lavi asked from his upside-down position on the bed.

“She thinks I’m unholy just because she stalked my Facebook page and saw my bellybutton piercing,” Lizzie replied, making a face. After a moment of thought, she added, “The picture of me drinking from a beer bong didn’t help, either.”

Lavi snorted but adjusted himself so that he wasn’t taking up the entire bed. With his left hand, he patted the spot next to his head, and Lizzie took the cue and sat down.

“Well don’t worry, Lizzie! We’ll hide ya.”

“Thanks, Lavi!”

They sat in silence for a moment, with Lavi nearly humming in excitement. The second Lizzie had entered the room, he’d pulled on his annoying-ass persona with a degree of skill Yuu had never seen him obtain before the past week. It had been the same way when Bookman had come to visit.

They’d been in the room, sitting side-by-side on his bed with the tips of their fingers barely touching. Lavi probably didn’t notice their proximity, but Yuu was only too conscious of it. His hand felt like it was being jolted with a constant stream of lightning. Any moment now, his hair would start standing up from the flow of electricity.

It was stupid of him to think that way, but he just couldn’t control his thoughts anymore. He wanted to grab hold of Lavi’s hand properly—none of this sorta-kinda shit. But Lavi only wanted someone to cling to, just a friend who he could hold onto so that he could be anchored to something real while he changed. That was why he wasn’t backing away now, pulling his hand far from Lavi’s so as not to make his best friend think he was interested in him. Even if he was. Even if he desperately wanted those feelings returned.

An abrupt knock—two slow, rhythmic pulses—cut him away from his moronic thoughts. Just as abruptly, Lavi’s soft expression lost its extreme elasticity and hardened into a perfect mask of annoying idiot. A bright, happy smile lit his face but not his eye. Even before, the expression had never reached that fucking green thing.

“C’mon in, Panda!” Lavi called, sounding legitimately happy to hear his Master and abuser on the other end. Naturally, the idiot didn’t think of it as abuse, but Yuu had been through too much of that not to understand what Lavi couldn’t. No one came back that hurt from a simple spanking. Bookman simply went too far, whether it was actually him or someone else doing his dirty work.

“Hello, Lavi,” Bookman replied once the door had been opened. He gave his apprentice a once over and then, seeming satisfied, walked over to the starting-to-get-decrepit box labeled "Bookman shit." Pulling the two notebooks Lavi had filled in the past week out of the box, the old man flipped through them. He frowned in a contemplative manner and then nodded, seemingly satisfied. “Your logs are much better this week,” he commented, moving back to the door to pat Lavi appreciatively on the head.

It sickened Yuu a little bit to see how the redhead seemed to glow with the praise, how he let Bookman touch him so easily. He should have been terrified. He should have pulled away and cowered. That was what Yuu had done. So why wasn’t Lavi doing the same?

They conferred quietly, almost silently, for a while, but when Bookman left a good twenty minutes later, he’d seemed pleased enough. It was like he hadn’t noticed that Lavi was slipping horribly at all.

And Lavi was slipping, Yuu had thought at the time. Even now, with Lizzie in the room, with his mask so tightly in place that there couldn’t possibly be a hole, Lavi was slipping.

It was simple, really. When the pressure on a mask became too much, it would begin to crack. Those cracks would yield larger weaknesses, and then the mask would break. And then not even all the cats and rabbits in the kingdom could put it back together again.

He let his mind wander away until the only thing he was aware of was the movements of his friends on his bed. Somewhere deep in his mind, the Japanese boy knew he could trust these two not to hurt him, but years of habit were hard to fight, especially when every tiny creak of the bedsprings reminded him of exactly why he’d slept in the closet.

It was dark in there, always a pure darkness that kept away the bad people, the bad faces. The swarm of lotuses were duller, diminished, and there were no stray sounds that brought him back to the sheer _pain_ the faces inflicted on him.

Naturally, he’d learned to sleep on a bed, but every once in a while, the sound of the springs or an accidental brush against the bed frame would set him off, and he’d invariably end up cramped inside a closet that was now too small to house him. It had been infinitely worse this year, as there was no way in hell he’d allow his roommate to understand just how weak he could be.

So weak that the faces had started to penetrate the dark worse than ever before. They’d started appearing in his sanctuary years ago, but now, they seemed to have adapted to survive—or even flourish—in the dark.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts, and his eyes snapped open. He was so startled that the mattress actually bounced at his sudden, two-centimeter-high jump.

“Oh my God—I bet it’s her!” Lizzie exclaimed, sounding horrified.

“Well, I gotta answer it,” Lavi said reasonably. “It could be Jason or something.”

“But you’re hiding me! Gah—is one of your closets empty enough for me to crawl into?”

Yuu nodded and ushered her into Lavi’s. Like hell he’d let her into his (used-to-be) haven.

Not surprisingly, it turned out to be her mother, who, Yuu noted with disgust, looked like an opera singer. Her hair, blonde and very obviously dyed to cover a loss in pigment, was stiff and nearly wiry-looking from all the products in it. She was fatter than a whale, her too-rouged cheeks ballooning outward like she was eating something. Though Botox had improved her wrinkle situation, a new set of laugh lines and crows’ feet seemed to have taken a toll on her de-aged face. And above it all was the overpowering stench of lavender wafting threateningly into their room.

Simply put, she was not someone Yuu would ever let through the doorframe, mother of Lavi’s—and his, he supposed, and wouldn’t Tiedoll be proud if he found out—friend or not.

“Oh, sorry, Wagner’s in the next room over,” Lavi said breezily, his hand placed lightly on the door, presumably in case he needed to close it quickly.

Yuu didn’t blame him. The Japanese boy got a particularly uncomfortable feeling from the woman. His mind and gut both told him not to trust her, and after all he’d been through, he’d learned to listen to both. This woman would have them both expelled just to gain access to their room while they were both out. If they let out one tiny clue that Lizzie was in the room, they’d have to fear for their lives.

But of course, Lavi was an expert liar and actor, so this would be a breeze for him.

“Excuse me?” The woman asked, her words overly dramatic in their outrage. Her voice was a deep tenor, if not lower. It sent chills up and down Yuu’s back.

“Well, you seem to be a bit lost. Richard Wagner lives next door—that’s who you’re looking for, right?” Lavi clarified, smiling. The woman’s face brightened to a magnificent crimson, and she puffed up like a blowfish. Lavi just smirked.

“I’m looking for my daughter. You may know her—Elizabeth Marie Wellington.” The blowfish was now straightening her back in what was misplaced pride.

“Oh, Lizzie? Yeah, she’s probably with her boyfriend right now. Skin Bolic—he’s on the football team,” the redhead supplied, sounding very realistically concerned and helpful.

The closet door shook almost unnoticeably, almost like it was quivering.

“She has a boyfriend?” The blowfish asked, sounding shocked. If Yuu hadn’t forged very good self-control over the years, he would have snorted. As it was, a tiny, ironic smirk lifted the corners of his lips. “That little _slut!_ ” It was almost amusing how quickly the note of pride was replaced by disgust. It reminded of the seventh face. Small tremors elicited a tiny breakout of goosebumps over his arms, but he held back his reaction as best he could. Now was definitely not the time to have some kind of episode.

It was Lavi’s reaction, though, that he should have been worried about. Immediately, his mask slipped away, like he’d taken it off and tossed it aside. His expression changed from amused helpfulness to a fury Yuu had never quite seen there before. His single eye, which Yuu could just barely see from his position, was emitting a crackling electricity that seemed keen on cooking the blowfish for dinner. The redhead’s spine straightened threateningly. For the first time since they’d met, the Japanese boy understood just how terrifying the younger boy could be.

With a strength Yuu didn’t know the other boy could house, Lavi slammed the door open into the entranceway, cracking the side of his closet with the impact. When the door rebounded, he caught it easily with his left hand. The door shook. “Don’t you _dare_ call Lizzie that,” he hissed menacingly.

The woman blinked.

“Get the _fuck_ out of here, and if you come back, I guarantee that when your body is found, the only indication that you were killed will be a solitary pinprick in one of your pressure points.” His tone chilled Yuu bone-deep. Even the blowfish seemed to back down, curling into herself as she meekly took her leave, muttering something about stupid college boys. Lavi’s eye flashed again.

The closet door shook again.

“You can come out now,” Lavi said, taking deep breaths that the Japanese boy assumed were to calm him.

Lizzie moved just as meekly from the closet, nodded to them as she muttered her thanks, and left with a shuffling gait. As she turned toward the door, Yuu saw a dark spot at the base of her neck. It was covered very expertly with makeup, but the shade poked through the foundation like it wasn’t even there. It was obviously a bruise, and Yuu understood the significance at once. He was sure Lavi had, too.

Once their guest had left, Lavi turned to his right—which was strange, because he usually didn’t turn in the direction of his blind side—and walked shakingly over to where Yuu stood.

His legs gave way the moment the dark-haired boy had reached out to hold him. Yuu had never felt Lavi shake so much, like he’d been terrified by himself.

Maybe it was because he’d just reminded himself of Bookman, Yuu thought. It made sense, almost. After all, didn’t his own temper remind him of the whipping face? Didn’t that image scare him so much that he’d ended up spending a week in his closet?

Whatever the cause, it didn’t matter, he decided. He half-carried Lavi to the bed and let the other boy cling to him until the shaking had stopped.

And no, he was definitely not enjoying the proximity.

\---

_October 28_

“Yuu-kun!”

The dark-haired boy slowed down to allow his hailer to catch up. He knew that voice at once, but it was rare for Lenalee to go out of her way to find him on his way to class, which meant she must have been searching for him for a while.

When she reached his side, she pulled very lightly on his arm. It was testament to his continued healing that he didn’t flinch away. He usually required a small warning—which almost invariably came in the form of a question—but now, he was able to endure her touch without so much as a peep.

“Lenalee,” he greeted, nodding and adjusting his backpack, which had started falling down his shoulder. Very lightly, the Chinese girl let her hand fall into his, and they continued to walk toward his next class.

Sometimes Yuu didn’t understand girls; this was one of those times. They’d held hands before, naturally, especially back when he’d first arrived in America and hadn’t trusted anyone but her, but they hadn’t done it in years. Yuu was pretty sure that had to do with Lenalee’s longstanding crush on Allen, though.

Not that he particularly cared about them holding hands. And no, that wasn’t denial, it was just solitary fact. Honestly, if he really decided to be open with himself, he knew whose hand he actually wanted in his. But he supposed Lenalee would have to suffice, especially since she was looking at him with that idiotic grin that actually reminded him of the hand-holder-he-didn’t-want-to-think-about-right-now-but-in-actuality-couldn’t-get-out-of-his-thoughts. It was the grin that meant she had something that she thought was epic planned and that he would be a part of its apparent epicness—most likely taking an integral role in it.

“So, do you have plans for this weekend?” She asked innocently. Immediately, Yuu was wary. Whenever Lenalee sounded innocent, it meant she had something planned. Like that time when she’d sweetly asked him to distract Komui for a few hours. She’d come back with a boy that afternoon, and he hadn’t left until well into the wee hours of the morning.

“Yes, I plan to sleep while Lavi’s out making a fool of himself,” he answered promptly.

The Chinese girl pouted, puffing her cheeks out to complete the annoyed expression. Then, disturbingly, it slipped away, morphed into something that could only be described as sly. “Well, you remember what happened to Lavi last time he was at a party, don’t you?”

“ _Che_. It was his own fault.” No, his heart was definitely not on the fringe of stopping as he remembered how Lavi had come back two weeks ago. He’d been half-hyperventilating, saying that Tyki had come up to him again—even though he hadn’t gone anywhere near that particular frat house—and had tried to grope him. Tyki had sported a nice black eye for a week, but he’d played it off as a soccer injury.

Obviously, the soccer captain was becoming a problem, but Lavi had been raised to ignore such things and focus solely on his observational skills. He had no idea how to get the persistent motherfucker off his back. Naturally, Yuu did, but he was not in a position where he could help.

But he could watch over the idiot.

“Yeah, but you wouldn’t want to just sit at home and let something worse happen, would you?” Lenalee said cheerfully, shooting him a bright smile. She had him, and she knew it.

Yuu sighed. There was no way he was getting out of whatever she wanted. There never had been.

“I can see from your face that you agree!” She chirped happily. The Japanese boy scowled, and she giggled. “So anyway, my Sorority’s doing a mixer with Beta Lambda Upsilon for Halloween, and since it’s invite only, I’m extending one to you and any friends you may want to bring.”

Yuu just kept walking. He knew Lenalee wasn’t finished yet. Moments later, she continued.

“Oh, so you know, you need to dress up as something or else we won’t let you in!”

He didn’t mean for his face to look horrified, but it did, and he couldn’t really blame it for falling away from his careful control. The idea of _him_ in a _costume_ was absolutely horrific. Not to mention all the scantily-dressed sluts who would try to “tap” him.

“Oh, don’t give me that look! The entire point is for you to let loose a little—come on, you don’t even have to get drunk. But I’m picking out your costumes.”

She took his silence as agreement, which it wasn’t. She squealed happily and then proceeded to hug him around the middle. He’d been expecting such a reaction, so his flinch wasn’t nearly as drastic as usual, and the faces didn’t even try to vie for a more central part of his vision. He simply shook his head and pushed her off as gently as he could. She’d known him long enough to understand that this wasn’t a rebuke, just a self-protection measure.

“I’ll come by Friday to give you and Lavi your costumes. Oooh! I can’t wait to go shopping! Lavi’s gonna look damn sexy!”

With that, she ran off, leaving Yuu standing frozen in the middle of the quad, not entirely sure he was in the right state of mind to go to class or not. No, he had Microeconomics next. There would be no way he could concentrate now that Lenalee had put the disturbing(ly hot) image of Lavi in some kind of sexy costume—and it would be sexy, seeing as Lenalee was in charge of said costume—in his head.

What would she put Lavi in?

A vampire? No, that was too tame, even if she was a die-hard fan of those god-awful books. Knowing her, she’d even put glitter on his skin. Maybe some sort of devil, seeing as that was something she was fond of dressing the bean sprout in, but then again, that didn’t fit at all.

And then he remembered the one thing she always heard him calling Lavi. That was something he did not want to think about. The idiot with rabbit ears and a tail, doing that stupid nose twitch he always did…

Ducking into the nearest hall, he made a beeline for the bathroom. Fuck Lenalee, she’d given him a nosebleed. And worse. But he’d take care of that situation once he’d stopped the first annoyance. He ripped a good length of toilet paper from the roll and jammed it up his nose. Waiting impatiently for it to stop, he tried to think of anything but Lavi in a sexed-out bunny suit.

Lenalee had taste, so he’d probably be wearing long, tight pants and a tight-fitting shirt in roughly the same hue. But dammit, he couldn’t stop imagining Lavi shaking his ass rave-style in a loud, reeking room.

Only it was him that the red-haired boy was grinding against. And maybe he’d be grinding back, and it would be kind of sweaty but really good.

Ignoring the nosebleed, which was slowing down quickly anyway, he unbuckled his belt and reached into his pants. He hated fucking necessity, but he hadn’t done this in a while, and with images of Lavi moving suggestively against him in an oppressive atmosphere swirling around in his lust-addled brain… well, who was he to stop nature?

Once again, images of Lavi flooded into his mind. They weren’t anything special, just little flashes of his smiling face or that little nose twitch or that look he gave Yuu when his head was in his lap. Then there were little hallucinations, which invariably followed those tiny flashes. Lavi coming behind him in the stall, wrapping arms around his waist, and suddenly Yuu’s hands weren’t his anymore. Lavi was holding him, making the motions that were pulling ragged breaths from deep in his chest.

His pants fell to the ground as he staggered a bit. His knees were feeling a bit weak, but he needed to stay standing up. No one was here, so he was safe to do as he pleased, and he was relatively certain that if anyone came in, they’d leave right away, because now he was _moaning_. They were soft, panting, but they were still coming out of his mouth, and he couldn’t help it, because the way he was feeling right now was heartbreakingly _real_.

He wanted Lavi, _needed_ his hands to actually be there, and if he listened hard enough, his roommate’s voice was whispering provocative things in his ear. Just like the faces had, only not at all, because this wasn’t something they could ever encroach on.

“You like that?” Whispered Lavi’s feverish voice. The stroking became faster, and Yuu panted harder.

“Yes!” He hissed back.

“What if I do this?” And then Lavi moved a hand from his erection and snaked it up his shirt, where he began to rub one of his nipples.

“Yes!” He hissed, only a bit louder.

This wasn’t happening, not really, but dear God, he _needed_ it to be. For the first time, he trusted someone to do this to him, and there was no way in fucking hell they had the capacity to love him back.

Yuu came, and his heart broke.

He cleaned himself off with clean precision, ripped the wad of toilet paper from his nose, and flushed the toilet. His legs were shaking, but it was nothing compared with the trembling of his heart.

Each time he thought of Lavi, the feelings got stronger, and he’d almost inevitably need to cut afterwards. He didn’t want to—he hated mutilating his body like that—but it drove away the cold more than anything ever had. Except for Lavi.

And that was precisely why the urge to cut was becoming almost overwhelming now. He reached into his backpack, which he’d hung up on the hook on the stall door (because there was no way in hell he’d let it touch the ground in a place where people masturbated into toilets and pissed on the floors), and pulled out one of his box cutters.

The first stroke into his unblemished skin was like cold water melting away dry ice. Steam in the form of blood fell to meet the clear water of the toilet. With almost sick fascination, Yuu watched as each droplet swirled into the water and dispersed in twirling patterns, steadily dying it a rosy pink.

Today was a perpendicular day, just like most were. He was not in need of much relief, just enough to take the edge off—enough to remind him that even though he was cold as a corpse, he was still alive. And so he let himself feel just how alive he was, how each heartbeat emitted yet more bloody steam that fell like the tears he couldn’t cry to join its brethren in the toilet.

Maybe five minutes later, he was sane enough to pull out some peroxide and clean out his wound. More stinging pain led to greater mental processes, and as he sterilized his blade and slipped it back into his book bag, he felt lightheaded but slightly warmer.

It was nearly ten ‘til eleven when he left, feeling marginally better than he had that morning, waking up with Lavi curled up over all his shit at the end of his bed like some fucking cat. The boy had claimed that he’d been “lonely” and had wanted “company while he slept,” so he’d come over to Yuu’s bed but then didn’t have the “heart” to wake him up.

He decided to head back to the dorm. He didn’t really need to go to Japanese, as he was fluent in the language. He could have tested out of the classes, but that felt a bit like cheating, and not wanting to learn any other languages, he’d tested down. Unfortunately, he’d ended up testing too low and was now sitting rather unproudly in Japanese 201.

He was surprised to see the object of his fantasies in the room, drooling on the dark-haired boy’s pillow while curling slobbishly in Yuu’s blankets.

It was blasphemy.

Insanely adorable blasphemy.

With his hair in such horrible disarray and very manly snores eschewing from his mouth, Lavi was the picture of fragile and tender. His eye patch had slipped off his eye, revealing no external injury. Yuu, unlike his roommate, was not one to pry, so he reached out and slid it back into place. And no, he didn’t peel back Lavi’s eyelid to see what his eye looked like. And no, he wasn’t surprised when it didn’t appear injured or milked over in the telltale sign of blindness. And no, he definitely wasn’t curious as to why the boy wore the eye patch in the first place.

Lavi stirred but then settled again, reaching an unruly arm around Yuu’s waist and trapping him in place. Sighing and telling himself that he’d move once Lavi seemed keen on waking, he sat on the edge of the bed and began absently running his fingers through Lavi’s hair.

\---

The first thing he was aware of was the pleasant, spine-tingling feeling of fingers rubbing his scalp and pulling lightly through strands of his hair. The next thing he was aware of was the hot, moist breath on his neck and the sturdy warmth of a body next to him.

Cracking his left eye open, Lavi had to turn his head to identify the body as Yuu’s. The boy was seemingly zoning out, staring into the empty space of the wall to Lavi’s left. The redhead stretched out a little, hoping to bring the dark-haired boy out of his trance. A little intake of breath and the focusing of charcoal eyes were the only indications that he had succeeded.

Almost at once, Yuu was scowling and pulling free, but there had been a brief moment before he’d moved when the boy’s expression had shown… wistfulness?

Naturally, Yuu found it necessary to cuff him on the shoulder for “falling asleep on my bed and then pinning me to your chest, _Baka_.”

Putting on a nervous grin and raising his hands in surrender, Lavi took the light blows without complaint. They didn’t really hurt, anyway, and he’d suffered much worse, both at Yuu’s hands and at others’. He cringed a bit when he switched positions on the bed and his leg—mercifully but idiotically freed from the boot at the moment so that he could sleep properly—twinged particularly painfully. Immediately, Yuu stopped attacking him.

“Anyway, _Usagi_ , before I forget, you and I are going to Lenalee’s Halloween party. She’ll be by on Friday with our… _costumes_.” The dark-haired boy spat out the last word like it was a rotten vegetable.

“ _Ne_ , what’s wrong with our costumes?” Lavi asked innocently. Yuu’s face went dark and the vein in his right temple began to throb, which was kind of adorable, in its own special Yuu-chan way.

“She always dresses me up as—” the boy cut himself off, blushing. It was kind of endearing how Yuu could scowl and blush simultaneously.

“As?” Lavi prompted, but Yuu shook his head in that dangerous don’t-fuck-with-me way, and the redhead knew it was time to back down. He’d be wondering, though, but thankfully only for a few days. And he could suppress his natural curiosity that long, couldn’t he?

“Aw, c’mon, Yuu-chan!”

Apparently not.

“No.” The Japanese boy’s voice was as firm and unmoving as a four meter-thick sheet of lead.

He tried being adorable, widening his eye and pulling up the blankets to cover his face. Gazing up at his prey with all the innocence of a bunny trying to endear itself to a fox, he let his lip wobble.

“ _No_. And stop giving me that look.” It was obvious that his roommate wouldn’t budge.

Lavi’s soul lamented.

\---

_October 30_

He woke up and there was rabbit.

Curled into his side, and sleeping soundly. Why on earth he was there, nuzzling into the crook of his shoulder, looking for all the world as if he belonged in that position more than anywhere else, Yuu had no fucking clue, but he found that he really didn’t mind it. But Lenalee was bound to barge in at any moment and finding them like that was out of the question because he knew she would never let him live this down.

“Oi, Lavi, wake up,” Yuu mumbled, poking the rabbit in his side.

Said rabbit mumbled something in return and snuggled deeper into the recesses of his armpit.

“Lavi, wake up,” he said more insistently, prodding harder into the redhead’s ribcage.

Still there was no coherent response. Just dream-induced babble about not wanting bubblegum soda pop, thank you very much, Bookman.

This time he resorted to a light punch that nearly rolled Lavi off the bed. He was rewarded with a pitiful swipe at his face by the redhead’s hand.

And then the idiot moved closer still. Not that Yuu was really complaining, but there was still the looming Lenalee factor and also the fact that as his roommate, Lavi was entirely off-limits. It was like the ultimate dormcest. And to make matters worse, Lavi was still a Bookman, even if he was kind of failing at it at the moment.

And then there were Yuu’s feelings to consider. He wasn’t sure what he felt about Lavi besides the obvious “I like you.” There was something tender and malleable in his heart—and he was sure it showed on his face, too—when Lavi did cute things, an occurrence that had picked up in frequency ever since Fall Break. There were the heart-stopping, breath-taking moments when Yuu could no longer keep his body in check and would have to succumb to the decidedly sexual direction his thoughts would take.

But there was also the fear. Fear that the lotuses would hide all the desirable things he saw in Lavi, fear that the faces would eventually scare Lavi off like they did him, absolute terror that he would hurt the boy he had come to care for more than anyone. More than _Okaa-san_ and _Otou-san_ and _Onee-san_ and Tiedoll and even Lenalee…

He was always petrified at the thought that he would follow the path that the faces had once taken on him. But it was possible. Wasn’t it a statistic? People who suffer tend to inflict that same suffering on others. Even if Yuu dreaded being a statistic with his entire being, it was always a possibility. One can never escape statistics, that was what _Onee-san_ had said.

Of course, she’d been a college student and had been taking a statistics course, but the logic still applied.

Yuu cleared his head and shook Lavi’s shoulders. The boy let out a loud snore and startled awake.

“Eh? Yuu? What am I doing here?” Lavi asked, obviously alarmed as he looked around the room like it would give him an explanation if he just stared at it long enough.

“What _are_ you doing here?” He asked and now that he thought about it, the question seemed all the more pressing.

“I really don’t know. I… Didn’t I walk in and go over to my bed…?” His roommate said, sounding confused. It was okay, Yuu was too.

“How would I know?” He said as he looked away. He knew he was blushing and very, very flustered, but Lavi was _still there_ , still _right next to him_ , and he’d be damned if that wasn’t the redhead’s hand lying very, very close to a place he’d prefer not to be touched at the moment…

The rabbit shrugged, which was an interesting feat, seeing as he was still on his side. He rolled so that he was lying prone on his back, but he was making that pouting face that set Yuu’s face on fire, so the Japanese boy couldn’t feel very relieved, even though the hand was no longer in close proximity.

“Anyway, what time is it? Has Lenalee stopped by yet?” The idiot chirped, getting up and thankfully getting rid of that pouty expression.

“No. And look at the bloody clock yourself.” He scowled, but as always, the expression seemed to glance off Lavi like water on a windshield. Yuu sincerely wished that Lavi would just get wet already.

After several minutes of staring at each other, Lavi broke the silence with his usual eloquence.

“ _Was zum Teufel,_ Yuu?”

“ _Fick dich_ ,” he replied, glad that Marie had been useful for at least one thing.

Lavi frowned. “How dare you _du_ me!?” The rabbit cried in mock outrage. “I’ll get my revenge, I swear!”

With a strength Yuu didn’t know his roommate had in him, he pinned the dark-haired boy down and started running his fingers over his stomach. Immediately, reflexively, Yuu gasped and tensed. The only other people to touch his stomach had been the faces. And Lenalee, but she didn’t count, especially when those damn faces were closing in on his vision and making him hyperventilate in a way he really didn’t like. And Lavi was still running his fingers in strange, wispy patterns on his stomach, and he couldn’t get free, because the idiot was taller and heavier than he was, and deargodpleaselethimgetawaynow. Please. Pleasepleaseplease.

Yuu had begged many times in his life. He’d begged for it to stop, he’d begged for the pain to lessen, he’d begged for death, even, sometimes. But right now, he was begging for Lavi to gothefuckaway, only the words were getting stuck in his throat, like they always did when people ran fingers over his stomach like that.

Except the sensation was gone. Lavi was looking at him with apology in his eye and regret in his frown.

“Yuu?” He asked tentatively. The Japanese boy blinked.

The faces were gone, replaced with the sweet, refreshing view of a concerned Lavi. This had happened many times with Lenalee, but there was something different about this time in particular. When the faces got like that, it felt like he couldn’t breathe, like no matter how hard he tried to inhale, no air would come to his lungs. When he saw Lenalee, each breath in was just a little more fulfilling than the one before it. With Lavi, it was like he had been drowning in the ocean of faces and the redhead had rescued him. He felt like he was coughing in big lungfuls of air while he looked into the face of his savior.

“Yuu?” The redhead repeated. This time, the subject of Lavi’s worry raised an eyebrow to indicate he was listening. “You okay?”

The Japanese boy nodded. In truth, he wasn’t, but La—

“That’s the biggest load of BS I’ve ever seen in my entire life. And as a Bookman, trust me, Yuu-chan, I’ve seen a shit-ton more than you.”

Yuu floundered for a moment. He didn’t really know how to react to that loud declaration. It made sense that Lavi could read him well, especially since he never really made an effort to hide most of what he showed to the world, but… but… this _animal_ wasn’t supposed to be able to see what he didn’t want to show him.

“It’s not your business.”

“It is if you’re gonna freak out every time I touch ya, don’tcha think?” Lavi asked. He had a point, but Yuu wouldn’t concede to it, goddammit. “Ah. Whatever.” The redhead sighed, and his shoulders drooped a bit as he gave up. “I’m sure whatever it was was really bad, yeah?”

The dark-haired boy could only nod.

“Will you tell me someday?”

Yuu didn’t respond. He didn’t need to. Lavi already knew the answer—and so did he, unfortunately. But they both had also heard the unspoken “if I’m still alive” in Lavi’s question.

“Anyway… back to what I was trying to figure out, you crazy Japanese brute… you ticklish?”

“ _Che_ , only weaklings like you are.” To prove his point, he reached out and twiddled his fingers along Lavi’s sides. The boy squirmed and squawked at a rather amusing octave.

“Oooi, no fair!” The rabbit admonished, and he proceeded to test out the back of Yuu’s neck, his sides, his foot… all along, though, Yuu realized that Lavi was giving his stomach a wide berth. It kind of hurt, but then, he understood. He was sure he’d probably yelled or cringed or maybe even _cried_ (which would be horrific, so he really hoped that wasn’t the case), so he really deserved any reluctance on Lavi’s part.

He wasn’t expecting his roommate to test the backs of his arms on the way to his armpits. He let out a rather unmanly squeak and tried to twist out of the redhead’s exploratory hands.

Said redhead was looking particularly triumphant and more than a little smug when Yuu looked up at his stupid, annoying rabbit face.

“Ohooo! What have we here? Is Yuu-chan dearest a bit tickly-wickly on the back of his army-warmies?”

Yuu would cut that damn rabbit’s balls off.

If he could only… get… the fucker… off… him. With a heave at Lavi’s fat-ass body, he was suddenly in control, his fingers dancing intricate patterns on his roommate’s stomach (though Lavi would probably say “tummy-wummy,” idiot that he was—not that he found that endearing in any way) and sides (“sidey-widies?”). He still didn’t have enough leverage, though, so he decided that the best way to get some was to push Lavi down. Yes, that would work nicely. The redhead fell into the mattress, and Yuu took that opportunity to settle between the boy’s legs so that he could get a better, more disastrous angle.

The idiot was squirming as erratically as a can of worms under Yuu’s hands, which he realized too late was really erotic.

Really, really erotic.

Lavi was blushing and smiling widely from laughter, the pink of his cheeks clashing garishly with his hair. His malachite eye was crinkled in deep… enjoyment?... as he made weak attempts to brush his fingers (“fingie-wingies?”—no, fuck, he would not succumb to Lavi’s idiocy!) over the backs of Yuu’s arms. And dear God, the way his midriff was showing…

It was scarred, but Yuu could ignore that as easily as he had once done before the Lotus had made them disappear. But the cream skin, smooth or not, that was just barely revealed by the fabric of Lavi’s shirt riding up made Yuu want to lick his lips. Or something equally disturbing.

Suddenly, their faces were very, very close. And wouldn’t Yuu be damned if those lips didn’t look so fucking kissable. A million times he saw himself lean down and lay claim to them. A million times, he saw Lavi reciprocate, a warm tongue brushing his lips as the embrace grew more passionate.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, his brain thought it was a good idea to follow his fantasies, so he leaned down, and he was surprised when Lavi’s green eye—hooded, lustful?—was coming toward him at a faster pace, as if the redhead was leaning up to meet him in the middle somewhere. Their breaths mixed, hot and moist and delicious and maybe a bit garlicy, too, what had Lavi had for dinner?

The door may have clicked open, but who really cared? Yuu’s hair fanned out to hide whatever they were doing from view. Whatever they were doing. Which wasn’t anything, because they still hadn’t met. Why weren’t they moving faster? He could feel Lavi’s gaze on him, and he knew he was staring just as intensely at Lavi, and Yuu really hoped that this moment would last forever and get on with it at the same time.

And that was how Lenalee found them.


	11. This is Halloween

Chapter 11—This is Halloween

__For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

\---Judy Garland

Hidden behind his hair, Yuu’s mouth fell open as Lenalee’s did the same. Lavi seemed blissfully unaware of the intrusion for a long moment, but then he squeaked, and the Japanese boy knew he would never, ever live this moment down.

But he’d make sure Lavi didn’t, either.

“Oh,” Lenalee said, flustered. “I didn’t realize I was—”

She dropped the paper bag she’d been holding and fled from the room before Yuu could say otherwise. Quickly, he extricated himself awkwardly from between Lavi’s legs. With deliberate movements, he followed after the Chinese girl who had become so much like his sister.

“Oi, Lenalee!” He called, and the girl halted.

“Yuu-kun?” She sounded mortified.

“We weren’t… doing anything,” Yuu said in a low voice.

“Eh?” Lenalee asked, turning around to face him. Her expression was mystified. “But you seemed like… and Lavi was… and your faces… and you wouldn’t appreciate me prying.”

The Japanese boy decided to ignore how disappointed she sounded. “No,” he said firmly. “I was… tickling him.” It sounded incriminating enough, and Lenalee’s eyes squinted as her mouth pulled into a sly grin.

“Oh?” She asked, voice heavy with implication.

“He started it,” Yuu said, turning his head so that he didn’t have to see the Chinese girl’s smile turn knowing.

“Were you gonna?” She inquired, going straight to the point as she always was when it came to getting the dirty details.

Mortified but knowing he had to respond truthfully—because that was just who he was—Yuu nodded. His blush could light up an entire city block.

“Awww.” The girl walked up to him and put her hand lightly—lightly, so that if he needed to, he could pull away—on his cheek. She patted it twice and then let her hand fall limply to her side.

“He would’ve hated me for it.”

“Wait—Lavi didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?” And why was his heart picking up just a little bit? _Che_ , having emotions was such a hassle, especially when he cared about someone enough to hate any form of rejection from him.

“And I even told him to tell you!” Lenalee groused, fisting her hands briefly and looking cross. It was kind of cute—in the “fuzzy” sense, if he wanted to quote Lavi. Who shouldn’t be appearing this alarmingly often in his mind.

“Tell me _what_?” Yuu asked again.

“That he’s gay,” Lenalee said as if that explained everything. Maybe in her little Lenalee-bubble it did, but out here in Yuu-land, also known as the real world, it was about as nonsensical as peanut butter on a tuna salad.

Which actually sounded like an interesting combination. He’d have to try it out later. After making a quick mental note, he went back to paying attention to Lenalee.

“ _Che_.”

“Is that all you have to say?”

“Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he’s _interested_ , _Baka_.” He folded his arms.

“Don’t call me _baka_ , _Baaaaka_!” She responded, sticking out her tongue. Yuu thought it was excessively childish when she blew a very wet raspberry at him, so he ignored it.

“Whatever. Were the costumes in the bag you dropped?” When in doubt, change the subject. It had always worked before, especially back when almost every topic had been uncomfortable for him. Of course, that had more to do with the fact that he hadn’t been able to speak English, but that was beside the point.

The dark-haired girl nodded, winking. “Wait ‘til you see what I got for Lavi! You’re going to get a nosebleed!”

No, thanks. He’d already had one of those, and that had only been from his _imagination_. He blushed a bit, an automatic response to the vivid memory of that particular trip to the bathroom, but managed to cover it with a scowl before Lenalee could notice. He really didn’t like having her pry into his relationship with his roommate, even if she meant well. It just reminded him of how useless the situation was, of how useless _he_ still was.

“Whatever.” He walked off, still a bit miffed at Lenalee. When he got back to the dorm room, Lavi was there, rifling through the bag and holding up a wad of cotton balls on a hairclip with an expression halfway between wonder and bemusement on his rabbit face. Some of Yuu’s heartstrings pulled tightly at the muscle.

Yes, Yuu really hated caring.

\---

_October 31_

Lavi had surprised himself in the past two weeks with how good he’d been at managing his persona. Bookman had announced that he was going to travel to Argentina for a few days, so it was obvious the man was concentrating more on his own work than his apprentice. Apparently, Lavi had gotten very good at acting.

His persona felt like a much-loved sweater. He pulled it on every morning before leaving the dorm and took it off when he got back (the dorms were overheated anyway).

He didn’t know quite how it had happened, but somehow, he’d ended up sleeping in Yuu’s bed. When the other boy had gotten back the previous night, he’d immediately berated Lavi for going through the bag and had hidden it in the recesses of his closet.

_“Why not?” He asked, pouting. The little puff-ball of cotton—which he supposed was supposed to be a rabbit’s tail, seeing as it matched the ears—was slightly amusing to look at, especially when he imagined how adorable he could manage to look with it on._

_Lenalee had told him to be cute, after all. And he thought he was living up to her expectations, maybe even surpassing them._

_“Because.” And that, apparently, was the end of that._

_“Awww, because whyyy?” Lavi asked, a whining tone infusing his voice. He knew it annoyed Yuu, but when he added the widened eye and the slightly parted lips, it was suddenly a divine recipe for cuteness._

_And men, Yuu included, tended to like cute things. Lavi wasn’t an exception to that rule. Yuu had made plenty of cute expressions, but they were usually hidden very efficiently with a scowl. Once you looked past the harsh exterior, Yuu was definitely gooey and adorable._

_It was just really, really hard to look past it._

_“Because they’re for tomorrow, idiot,” the Japanese boy growled, sliding his closet door firmly closed. He turned around to glower at Lavi, and the redhead shuddered back in horror._

_“Er, Yuu, you aren’t going as Frankenstein’s monster, are you?” He asked timidly._

_“What the fuck?”_

_“Well, I mean, you’re just doing a good impression of ‘im right now, and I was just wondering if you were practicing or somethin’…” He trailed off, grinning maniacally when he saw his words had caused the vein at Yuu’s temple to jump menacingly._

_“I’m going to kill you,” the boy warned—threatened?—as he walked over to place a hand on his sword. Lavi gulped as a shiver of fear climbed his spine like a ladder._

_“Sorry, sorry, I was joking!” The redhead exclaimed, raising his hands and letting his persona fall off. He’d put it on when Lenalee had come in (and had kept it on, in case she returned), but he assumed he could take it off now. He folded it up and put it down on a barren shelf in his mind. Technically, that shelf was for fifty-one through seventy-five, but he figured he could let forty-nine use it for now._

_“Were you, though?” Yuu asked, and his eyes flashed. Lavi nodded emphatically and went to go back and sit on the other boy’s bed._

_“Sorry, Yuu, was just makin’ sure she wouldn’t be back,” he explained. The other boy nodded in acceptance of his apology, crossing the room from his closet to his bed all the while._

_The atmosphere turned awkward when Yuu sat down. All of a sudden, Lavi couldn’t get the tickle fight out of his head. And the fact that Yuu had been so close—so close that he’d almost kissed him, which would have been bad, as there was no chance the boy would ever like him back, him being straight and all._

_They sat there in silence for a few minutes, and then the Japanese boy reached under his blanket and pulled out his sketchpad. Lavi hadn’t been through those in a while, as he sort of respected the other boy’s privacy now. Bookman would no doubt ask him about that soon, meaning he would have to pry, which he really didn’t want. He knew Yuu would probably help him out—the boy was his friend, after all—but Lavi didn’t necessarily care about the information; he wanted the trust that came with the confession, and he couldn’t have that if Bookman forced him to ask._

_Or worse, he’d have to go through different channels: hound Lenalee until she caved. He didn’t know how he knew, but he was positive she knew what else had happened to Yuu. It wasn’t very apparent, but little gestures in their conversations gave it away. She would always ask before touching Yuu. Or, if she so fancied, she would raise her hand a bit to give a warning. Significant glances that could have meant anything but which had enough weight to be more than just frivolous nonverbal conversation passed between the two almost constantly. Also, the way she sometimes clammed up, as if she was about to let something extremely important spill into the open air like a toxic gas, was a big indication._

_Lavi was jealous. It had nothing to do with him suspecting Lenalee was with his roommate. Seeing as she was still pining after Allen and doing pretty much anything she could—from dressing slutty to sitting in provocative positions—to get with him. Well, to date him, anyway._

_No, the reason he was jealous was something even less significant. He didn’t like that Lenalee knew more than him, he didn’t like that Yuu obviously trusted the girl more. It was natural, of course, especially as the two had known each other for a great deal longer than Lavi had known the Japanese boy, but it still hurt to see that he was not included in the circle, or dot, he supposed, as there seemed to only be one person in it, of Yuu’s most trusted. He would have to put up with it for now, though._

_The skritch-scratch of Yuu’s pencil eventually became hypnotic, and Lavi found his head drooping just a bit. He swooned a little bit, barely registering when his head hit something hard and vaguely pointy. He blinked a couple times, and his vision cleared for a second before his eye decided it was too heavy to stay open anymore._

_He remembered seeing the collar of Yuu’s shirt, so he figured he was using the dark-haired boy’s shoulder as a pillow, which was kind of uncomfortable, but who really cared?_

Of course, that didn’t explain how his back was pressed tightly against Yuu’s chest, why he was nestled so perfectly against his roommate’s sleeping body.

Not that he was complaining at all. Actually, he rather enjoyed the position; he was just a bit nervous that Yuu would wake up, see what position they were in, call him a faggot and a whore, and then proceed to gut him with Mugen.

As far as Lavi was concerned, it was a legitimate fear.

Looking over at the clock, he realized with horror that the alarm was a minute from going off. Apparently, he’d forgotten to turn it off the previous night. Careful not to wake his bed partner (that sounded weird, but he didn’t really know how else to categorize Yuu at the moment, and that sounded kind of sexy, and no, he was not thinking anything pervy at the moment), the redhead wobbled over to the alarm clock and turned off the buzzer.

With near-silent movements, he pulled off his clothes and put his towel around his waist. He was almost to the door when his first spectacular fall of the day arrived. He went crashing to the floor with a mighty squawk.

Yuu grunted loudly, and light flooded the room, originating from the Japanese boy’s bedside light, which was on the shelf above his bed.

“What the fuck!?” He shouted. Lavi groaned and looked over.

Yuu’s face was very nearly laughable. It was pale and flushed and a bit green all at once, and his mouth was turned down in an open-mouthed frown of horror. His eyes, normally relaxed and soulful in their brownish-onyx depths, poked protuberantly from his skull like someone had hit him in the back of the head with a sledgehammer.

The boy began choking a bit, probably too surprised to form coherent words, let alone those in English.

“ _Ha—ha—hadaka…_ ” Yuu said, horrorstruck.

Wait.

Lavi knew that word.

With trepidation, he took stock of his position. Ah. Now he understood. His towel was a good foot away from his head, and his ass was waving in the air.

He was bare as the day he was born.

Immediately, the faint pink of a blush spread across the entirety of his skin like a cancer. The room suddenly seemed very, very hot, and he couldn’t seem to move for a moment. When he regained the ability a moment later, he reached out wildly for his towel, not seeming to be able to claim it.

All the while, Yuu just stared on, transfixed in some kind of paralysis of the soul.

The only thing that could make it worse, Lavi mused, would be if Lenalee walked in at the moment. Of course, she’d already done that the previous night when they’d been—he cut that thought off, as it was spreading a blush in the form tingles down to places that Yuu should definitely not be seeing at this point.

With an inner whoop of triumph, Lavi’s frantically searching hand settled on a lump of fabric that felt suspiciously like towel. He grabbed it up without thought and covered himself as efficiently as he could. Scampering, mortified, from the room, he made it to the shower at a record speed.

Under the hot tap, the redhead decided never to re-emerge.

The rest of the day passed in a similar manner, with Lavi’s boot forcing him into strange positions. After his shower, he’d had to walk past his desk. At least that time, his towel had stayed on, even though he’d ended up on the floor with his laptop on his chest.

Yuu, the apprentice Bookman noted, spent the entire day disregarding his homework, working only on filling his sketchbook.

Around noon, Lavi had had enough of just staring at the other boy and decided to join him, carting his (mercifully unbroken) laptop with him so that he could finish off the seven-page paper he had for his World History class. He intended to walk over and plop down on Yuu’s bed, but of course, his boot got in the way, and he used all his effort to make sure his computer finished the voyage.

One nosebleed and five bruises later, Lavi sat on Yuu’s bed, having completed his mission. His computer was still working, and the boy next to him was only blushing a little bit. The redhead had been afraid the boy would hate him for his earlier blunder, but Yuu seemed to have taken it with surprising grace. He only growled once and then snapped at him to remember to keep his clothes on if he was going to be clumsy.

Lavi responded with a well-flipped bird.

Yuu snorted, and somehow, everything returned to normal as if nothing had happened in the first place.

Trying not to seem curious, the redhead strained his neck so that he could see what the dark-haired boy was drawing. This time, he was shading a particularly dark piece. Every line seemed to have unspoken weight, like Yuu was trying to convey the emotions more than the actual image.

Like many of Yuu’s drawings, it was of a person. The expression was a squinty-eyed face of agony. Tears pooled at the corners of the eyes and then slid steadily down sweat-glistened cheeks. The body was entirely nude and heavily scarred. Long hair the color of the night splayed out in all directions, and a blood-soaked knife was clenched in the person’s hand to the point that the knuckles seemed white. Dark shadows that Lavi supposed depicted blood covered the person’s legs and arms, even encroached a bit on the face and chest.

The only color at all in the sketch was in the background, which was a pale mixture of blurred and indistinct pastels. There was a light golden-white color, a soft, delicate pink, and many slightly darker grays.

Wait, no, that wasn’t right. There was color in one other place, too. The person’s eyes were a deep color, not quite black, but not quite anything else either.

Was this how Yuu saw himself?

“Yuu…” he started, but the boy made a little “not now” grunt. Lavi let the subject drop, contenting himself with just watching the Japanese boy draw.

When the sun fell below the horizon, Yuu sat up from his sketchbook, back popping audibly as he shifted positions for the first time in hours. His self-portrait wasn’t finished yet. Many of the lines had grown darker, more detailed, over the course of the past few hours. The indistinct background had since been spattered with scarlet ink. The blood had all been colored in the same shade.

The dark-haired boy headed to the shower, and the second he was out of the room, Lavi leaned closer for a better look at the drawing.

The look of acute pain on Yuu’s face had not changed much. The tears had been colored, too, a deep, rich midnight blue, like they came from the oceans in the Mediterranean.

Lavi hadn’t known that Yuu had been crying out this much. Not for attention, obviously. Somehow, he got the vibe that the other boy got enough attention from his adopted relatives. It was more like he was begging someone to just understand and let him heal on his own. It was like a plea for someone to stay by his side, never questioning and always accepting.

Silently, Lavi promised Yuu that he would be that person.

The door opened, admitting a very wet Kanda, who was looking particularly shirtless and sexy in his black sweatpants. His medium-length fluffy, white towel was hanging around his shoulders, and his hair unceremoniously dumped a fresh spray of water with every movement.

Rolling his eyes, the redhead pushed himself off the bed and went over to his roommate.

“Geez, Yuu, dry your hair off before you leave the shower, at least. I don’t really like you getting water all over my shit,” he admonished, grabbing the towel from Yuu’s shoulders and using it to gather up the long, dark strands. With efficiency, Lavi dried Yuu’s hair, careful to leave the scalp alone. A week ago, he’d tried giving his roommate a scalp massage. Yuu hadn’t been pleased. He’d nearly attacked Lavi in his fervor not to be touched.

In order to get a good angle on the untouchable hairs closer to Yuu’s skull, the redhead moved closer. The warmth of the shower was still radiating off of the dark-haired boy’s skin, heating Lavi as he did his work. Also, there was a buzzing in the air around them that he couldn’t define, and every time he accidentally brushed a portion of Yuu’s skin, they would both inhale sharply at the static sensation.

They were very, very close, Lavi realized abruptly. But it seemed okay to be there right now, with his hips just barely an inch from Yuu’s, with the other boy’s dark eyes gazing up (but only a little bit) into his. Flushed lips—it was because of the shower, yes, the shower, nothing else—parted just a bit, inviting him closer. Oh God, ohgodohgodohgod, he really wanted to kiss Yuu.

But after this morning’s incident, Yuu would definitely hate him forever if he did that, so Lavi regrettably pulled back a bit, looking away with flaming cheeks. He let his hands drop and stepped back.

Yuu moved awkwardly over to his closet and pulled out the costumes Lenalee had given them the previous night. His movements were stiff as he separated Lavi’s from whatever else was in the paper bag and handed them to him.

Lavi’s hand trembled a little as he took the clothes, ears, and tail. All of them were pure white like unmarred paper or maybe his skin. He made short work of them, quickly replacing his Saturday sweats with the skinny jeans (which were highly uncomfortable—had Lenalee gone to the girls’ department for him?) and tight white t-shirt (which thankfully looked like it came from the men’s department, as the garment lacked the extra fabric for breasts). To complete the ensemble, he clipped the cotton ball tail to the back of his pants.

Putting his ears on, he turned around to look at his roommate.

His mouth dropped to the floor.

Yuu’s hair was down, still wet, but shining and glinting against the bright, industrial light above. It caressed his shoulders and fell like a black waterfall to the small of his back. The shirt he wore clung just as tightly as Lavi’s did, but it managed to do what the redhead’s couldn’t. Every muscle rippled visibly each time the Japanese boy made a slight movement. The pants were definitely a man’s (Lavi was going to kill Lenalee), but they clung at his thighs just a little bit.

The Japanese boy was outfitted completely in black. On his head sat a pair of black cat ears, and in the belt loop on his back, a long, stuffed black tail hung with all the sexy authority of a panther.

“Well, don’t you look dashing,” he said, attempting to be humorous, but his dry mouth made his voice crack in a way that made him seem… affected by Yuu’s appearance.

“ _Che_.”

Lavi didn’t like the way that scoff sounded. It was like Yuu knew that he looked damn fine and was admonishing his roommate for stating the obvious.

“What?”

“Nothing, you’re just an idiot.” With that response, Yuu walked from the room, not waiting for Lavi to finish staring. Which was a shame, in the redhead’s opinion.

By the time they made it to the party, it was clear that this was definitely going to be a mixer to remember. It was nine o’clock and people were already drunk and acting crazy. The shuffle was exclusive to Dave Matthews Band, and people were grinding up against each other. In a corner of the main foyer, two beer pong tables were set up. The house already smelled of cheap beer and sweat.

“Yuu-kun! Lavi!” Came a loud voice from the sea of people. It was a voice that Lavi associated with mangoes, rainbows, and pigtails. Lenalee. The crowd parted slightly, which was unbelievable enough, but the costume that Lenalee was in created a new definition of unbelievable in Lavi’s head. There was a lot of skin showing, much more than Komui would ever be pleased with. Her red bustier had lace poking out from the bottom, and her red short shorts were more like underwear, clipping to her red, thigh-high fishnets. Devil horns adorned her gold-glittered hair and the devil tail and pitchfork finished off the outfit. Lavi had never seen a girl expose as much cleavage as Lenalee was now.

“I’m glad you guys made it! Isn’t this great? There are so many people! C’mon, Lavi, I wanna introduce you to my friends!” With that, the Chinese girl pulled him through the oppressive mass of people. He was only able to catch a last glance at Yuu, who was looking quite disturbed at Lenalee’s appearance and confused as to where the redhead was being taken.

The next few hours passed in the usual blur. After a few failed games of beer pong, he found Yuu sitting on a rather uncomfortable-looking couch. Lenalee was next to him, looking like she was trying to get him to accept the drink she had in her hands.

“C’mon, Yuu-kun, try it, you need to relax. Just drink it, I made it myself,” the long-haired girl pleaded.

“ _Che_. Fine," Yuu said, grabbing the jello-shot and downing it.

Seeming pleased, Lenalee bounded off, saying something about needing more vodka because Yuu-kun has a high tolerance.

Lavi wondered just how high of a tolerance it was. Curiosity was beginning to churn in the back of his head and a plan began to form. He followed Lenalee quickly. She was in the kitchen, mixing some sort of vodka drink.

“Hey, Lenalee, just how much are you planning on giving him?” He asked, trying not to sound overly interested.

“Well, Lavi, you should know that stuff like this doesn’t affect him much. It takes a lot… You wanna get him drunk, don’t you?” She accused, turning from the drink to face him, a suspiciously sly smile on her face.

“What? No! I just…” He spluttered, and she patted him on the shoulder.

“It’s okay, Lavi, I understand. Here, give him this.” The dark-haired girl handed him the drink she'd just made and sent him away.

When he returned to the couch, Yuu was scowling at a group of girls who seemed intent on coming on to him. They didn’t look keen on giving up, so Lavi plopped himself down next to his roommate, grabbing the boy's hand in the process.

“Here you go, Yuu, got’cha the drink you wanted,” he remarked, smiling widely at the disappointed faces his actions incited.

Yuu accepted the beverage without complaint, and Lavi was amazed when it didn’t have any effect on the Japanese boy. Lenalee hadn’t been exaggerating, but then again, with the rate at which Yuu healed from things it would probably be a very long time before any ill effects were seen.

Lavi had soon lost count of how many times he had come back to find Lenalee forcing more alcohol on his friend. It had been a few games of beer pong later when Lavi returned to find something he thought was impossible.

Lenalee was giggling and sitting next to Yuu, who seemed to be _smiling_ at her.

In the amount of time the redhead had known his dark-haired roommate, he had never once seen anything resembling a smile, except for the occasional smirk. It made him seem completely different. Perhaps if Yuu smiled more often, he’d be able to convince people he was happy… except that Lavi knew that his roommate didn’t care if people thought he was happy. Lavi understood that, and even though he knew whatever had happened to Yuu that had made it so that the dark-haired boy would never smile again, Lavi hoped that one day he would get to see a non-alcohol-induced smile. Perhaps he would be the one to put it there.

That thought made his stomach twist slightly as he walked over to the couch. Seeing him, Lenalee stood up from her spot next to the Japanese boy and walked away, giving him a very suggestive wink as she passed. Lavi took up her place next to his roommate.

“Hey, Yuu,” he greeted, and threw his arms around Yuu’s shoulders. He expected to be pushed away or to have to let go because the dark-haired boy was going to try and maim him. Only there was no customary flinch away or angry shout. Yuu just sat there, giving him a questioning look.

“Your face looks weird,” Yuu said, smiling bemusedly and giving a gentle hiccup.

“Well, so does yours,” Lavi retorted, pushing Yuu over slightly. The boy looked overdramatically offended and gasped accordingly.

“Oi, _Baka_ , that wazzn nice,” the dark-haired boy said, and as he sat up, Lavi found himself flipping off the couch. Looking up from the floor, the redhead frowned. It wasn’t that it wasn’t nice to hear Yuu laughing, it was just that his hip _hurt_.

Because Yuu was laughing. Really, truly laughing. His head was thrown back toward the ceiling, and his eyes were closed in apparent mirth. He was clutching his sides like he was falling apart from the strength of his hysteria-induced tremors.

The cat ears looked like they were going to fall off, so the redhead put on his own fallen ears and then jumped up rather unsteadily to rescue Yuu’s.

“There ya go, Yuu-chan,” he said happily, patting the middle of his roommate’s head as he took a seat back on the couch again. The other boy hissed at him and then guffawed.

At that point, Lenalee came back with another drink. This one Lavi recognized as a banana daiquiri. It was a light yellow and really delicious looking. He intercepted it for her and took a sip from the straw before handing it to Yuu.

“Nya!” The boy said cheerfully, smiling and taking the plastic cup from him.

“Nya?” Lavi asked, amused.

“Nya?” Yuu repeated, lapping at the contents at the top of the cup.

“Er, Yuu… uh… are you drunk?” He asked tentatively. He didn’t want to set off another round of nyas.

“I’m sooooo drunk right now,” his roommate responded. And then the world ended. Yuu giggled. Legitimate, bona fide giggles eschewed the path from his voice box to the room.

Lavi froze, jaw dropping for the second time this evening, and if he hadn’t just used the restroom, he would have shat himself. The world had just taken a turn for the abso-fuckin’-lutely terrifying. Yuu giggling was just… a million different kinds of wrong.

What was left of the world crumbled away as the dark-haired boy took it on himself to lean over and glomp Lavi so that the redhead's face was stuffed into the upholstery. The redhead couldn’t breathe. But he wasn’t sure he wanted to. Yuu’s face was pressed into his back in a way that was very, very pleasant, and Lavi would be damned if he couldn’t feel hot breath raising goosebumps there. Yuu’s arms were tight around his middle, hooking around his stomach so that his hands could latch onto the tight fabric of Lavi’s shirt.

Pushing his roommate from on top of him, Lavi ran back to the crowd to get some more booze. He was entirely too sober for that kind of loss of control to be…

But did he really want to get more drunk? Yuu was there, vulnerable and wasted, and while he wouldn’t take advantage of that, maybe the redhead could see the real Kanda Yuu for just a little bit. And though he felt warm and tingly as alcohol sloshed in his stomach with each step, Lavi knew he wanted to be able to remember what Yuu could really be like.

So he returned with another drink for Yuu.

He passed Lenalee on the way. She looked rather busy as she searched through boxes in a closet next to the doorway to the kitchen.

“Whatcha doin’?” He asked. The girl squawked at the sudden noise but then turned around to look at him and smiled deviously.

“I’m getting out the croquet things.”

“Er, why croquet things?” Lavi was mystified.

“Because it’s always the most fun to play croquet when you’re drunk!” Lenalee explained, laughing joyously and then making a wordless exclamation as she found what she was looking for.

Lavi shrugged and continued on his way. He swayed a bit as he moved through the crowd, but for the most part, his balance was intact. When he reached Yuu, the boy was once again surrounded. A girl was currently sitting next to him, scratching behind his ears as he made catlike chirps of delight.

“Hey! Clear off!” Lavi shouted, and the sea of girls parted. Angels, naughty schoolgirls, Pokémon, bridezillas, and belly dancers all swarmed away like a hive of estrogen. Walking up to his roommate, Lavi pulled Yuu up from his “sitting” position (he was taking this cat thing too seriously, even for a drunk) and handed him the drink. “Who’s the _baka_ now, huh?” He asked as Yuu slurped away, thankfully in a more human manner.

“You are,” Yuu slurred, poking him hard in the chest and smiling contentedly as he finished his drink.

“ _I_ am?”

“Yeah. You’re stuuupid.”

If Lavi were a bird, he would ruffle his feathers in offense. He puffed out his chest and scowled at his roommate.

“God, stop makin' tha' face. Iss fuckin' adolaber!” Yuu said loudly, half-jumping across the couch and wrapping his arms firmly around Lavi’s shoulders.

“Er, Yuu…?” He was tipsy, and this felt good, but his roommate was being weird, even for a drunk. He had no idea how to react to this. It was new. Usually, he reached out for Yuu, not vice versa. And Yuu was making his hold even tighter, more secure.

“Mine,” Yuu stated, burying his head in the crook of the apprentice Bookman’s neck. He nuzzled there for what seemed like forever, and Lavi thought he would combust from the sudden heat in his chest. It was soft and electrifying at the same time, like he was a marshmallow being cooked in a microwave.

“Huh?”

“Mine.” The Japanese boy held him even tighter, his lips grazing Lavi’s collarbone. The air immediately shone brighter, and it had nothing to do with the booze. Something soft and wet encircled the end of his clavicle. For a moment, Lavi didn’t understand what it was. But then there was something rougher, something that made the world even brighter and gooier and _alive_. Yuu followed the path up Lavi’s neck with shallow kisses, nipping here and there until he reached the redhead’s ear.

With desperate fingers, Lavi reached for Yuu’s head so that he could pull the other boy closer. His hands tangled in Yuu’s hair as the boy began sucking on his earlobe. Lavi gasped. His entire body was on fire. It was as if Yuu was a warm wind blowing on lightly smoldering charcoal, bringing it back to life with every graze, touch, and kiss.

The arms around his shoulders lowered so that they were running slowly—so damn slowly—down his sides. When they reached his hips, Lavi felt the tight fabric of his shirt being pushed gently upward. The mouth on his ear grew more insistent, and the redhead tilted his head to the side to give his roommate better access. Oh, dear God. Shivers of something pleasant but foreign—something that was most definitely wonderful and should never, ever stop—ran with electrifying intensity through his veins.

“Croquet!” A voice wafted over the crowd to them like a delicious smell to a famished heavyweight.

Immediately, Yuu backed up, distracted and smiling dazedly.

“Croquet? I love croquet!” He exclaimed, wobbling over to the other side of the room, where a complete course had been set up.

Lavi stayed on the couch, both because he was a bit overwhelmed by what had just happened and because any movement would force his too-tight jeans to chafe against his erection.

Which, technically speaking, he shouldn’t have, but screw Bookman to hell, and would Yuu come back already? He definitely wanted to continue that, because whatever that had been, it hadn’t been unpleasant in the least.

Shouts and cheers erupted in the room a few minutes later. When Yuu returned just a little bit after that, a drink in his hand (though it looked like half was already in his stomach, the great glutton), Lavi was a bit surprised.

“What happened to croquet?” He asked.

“Won,” Yuu replied as if it was natural to win so easily at a sport while drunk and then come back to his current squeeze of the evening and plop down on the couch.

“How dare you leave me,” Lavi whined. He wanted to grab Yuu close again, but he waited for the other boy to do so. It was such a rare treat for the older boy to reach out first that Lavi wished it would happen again.

“Oh, ssshhut up, RRRRabbit,” Yuu replied, bopping him on the head with what remained of his drink. Which wasn’t much, Lavi noticed, though he couldn’t exactly remember the boy taking another long gulp from the cup.

Of course, things were pretty damn hazy. Really, the most he could perceive was that he was horny, Yuu was hot and sexy and _right there_ , and the bass of the music was so booming that it shook the couch. So it wasn’t that much of a surprise that he wasn’t really understanding everything that was happening.

Like Yuu leaning toward him again, pulling him into his arms. Then alcoholic breath was really, really close to his lips, and Yuu’s eyes were holding his in a gaze far more intense than Lavi was strictly prepared for.

Maybe it was Yuu who moved first, or maybe it was Lavi, or maybe they both did and they met in the middle, but the logistics didn’t really matter, not as long as their lips were touching like this. Not when the dark-haired boy’s arms were snaking around his back and when Lavi found himself in Yuu’s lap.

His white jeans were painfully tight as arousal hit him with all the brutality of a wrecking ball. Yuu nibbled on his bottom lip, causing the redhead to gasp. Taking advantage of this moment, Yuu then slid his tongue into Lavi’s mouth.

And then it got kind of fuzzy, because this was really, really good. Briefly, Lavi recalled the first party, where he’d ended up kissing some college sluts. He remembered Tyki’s kiss had been different, with a spark like this one, only so much different. This one made him feel high and light-headed and definitely a lot more drunk than he was.

Hands were back at his sides, and then his shirt was gone—where had it gone? And then Yuu’s delicate-looking fingers were ghosting over his chest, and when had the Japanese boy’s shirt left his front so spectacularly bare? And oh, that was a new feeling, Lavi hadn’t realized nipples could be so sensitive. Yuu’s mouth was back on his neck, sucking hard on a spot about halfway between his head and shoulders. Lavi’s head was thrown back, and maybe he moaned, but he was having trouble hearing over the unending pounding of the music.

He scratched at Yuu’s head because that made him moan more, and when he moaned, the mouth on his ear—wait, when had it moved? Was he losing time again?—vibrated arousingly.

Vaguely, Lavi knew he was painfully hard, and all he wanted was to just touch, touch, touch, and Yuu’s hands were on his midriff, and why wouldn’t they go lower, and were they playing with his fly now, and—ngh.

He knew he moaned this time. Yuu’s mouth was back on his own. It was kind of spitty, but it tasted a lot like Yuu-chan, so it was okay, and he didn’t really care, because _there was a hand on his dick._

The redhead moaned louder as the hand squeezed lightly and started to move slowly up and down. He needed to reciprocate. Hadn’t the-Master-that-he-really-didn’t-want-to-think-about-right-now-because-he-was-getting-jacked-off told him that he should always return favor for favor? Of course, he had been talking about techniques for getting information, but this was a different kind of information.

Sensation information.

So, gathering his tipsy courage, Lavi reached up the few inches between them and undid Yuu’s button and fly. Sliding the dark-haired boy’s pants down over his slim hips, Lavi _touched_. The Japanese boy gasped loudly, and the hand around Lavi became very, _very_ tight, and maybe Lavi gasped, too, but it was really hard to tell because everything was really, really, really ohmygodsogood.

The mouth on his attacked him with more fervor, moving to his ear again. Yuu’s tongue swirled around and through his earring, and in the confines of the boy’s hand, Lavi _twitched_. The redhead groaned and made it his mission to tangle the Japanese boy’s hair as much as possible as his hips lifted and veritably begged for more.

Yuu’s hand left his erection, and suddenly the smaller boy was pressing down, bringing hot flesh with him. If alcohol was not coursing so freely through his veins, Lavi would have blushed, but right now, all he could really make himself feel was the spectacular sensation of flesh grinding on flesh.

Somehow they found a rhythm in the mess of limbs and skin and hair, Lavi rolling his hips up as Yuu ground down, and all the while, the older boy pressed kisses here and there. And then their mouths met again in a fantastic dance of alcohol and saliva. The fire in his lips spread down to the hand on his chest that was tweaking a nipple and then down further to the hot play of flesh.

Tension built and built in his stomach as their movements got more and more erratic. Yuu grunted and Lavi whined, and then a hand was on that same ear, and he brought his hands back to Yuu’s hair, and then Yuu _moaned_ , and Lavi would be damned if the other boy didn’t sound close. One of the other boy’s hands encircled both of their erections so that they were pressed oh so close together. A finger met the vein on the underside, and Lavi bit down on Yuu’s bare shoulder, which he had been trying to kiss.

“ _Rabi!_ ” Yuu cried, his grip becoming almost epically firm, tight, unforgiving.

“ _Merde!_ ” Lavi choked, his voice almost pained with suppressed desire. The hand grew tighter and tighter and tighter and then—

Relief. Bliss. Whatever it was, Lavi rolled over the edge and found himself in a calm world where the music couldn’t be heard and where it was only him and Yuu breathing heavily on top of each other. They were on a cloud, floating above the sky, just the rabbit with his cat, holding each other and panting.

Hands buttoned him up, and a body collapsed on top of him, but Lavi took no notice, only wrapping his arms around Yuu’s bare waist and pulling him closer so that their chests touched.

He was still on the cloud, and he kissed Yuu’s lips lightly before he let his eyes fall closed. He was still on the cloud when he drifted away to somewhere infinitely calmer than the party or Lenalee’s crazy plot or all of the pain that weighed both him and Yuu down. Different pain, different weights, but still so very heavy.

When Lavi dreamed that night, it was about a cat and a rabbit dancing in front of a panel of judges. Tiedoll, a big mole with an impressive frizzy hairpiece and glasses that extended all the way back to his perky little ears, gave them a ten. Lenalee, a sleek baby otter, grinned slyly and gave them the same score. Next to them, Bookman—an old, gray rabbit who looked like he’d seen far too much—glared on disapprovingly, explaining that they should receive a zero because cats and rabbits should never mix. Rabbits could never feel anything for another animal.

This dream eventually gave way to a deep, peaceful sleep, and when Lavi awoke the next morning, mouth tasting like a dead, cobwebbed animal, he didn’t remember a thing.

Not about the dream, anyway.


	12. Eternal Snow

Chapter 12—Eternal Snow

__Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.

\---Anonymous

_November 1_

Steady warmth pulsed into Lavi's body with every rhythmic beat. His head was heavy, stuffy, and he was very groggy. Every dog barking, every person yelling, every car honking intensified the pressure until it came to a focal point in the redhead's frontal lobe. Light filtered through his uncovered eyelid--oh, how he wished for two eye patches right now--painting it red and igniting every nerve from his neck up in a dry, roaring fire. Even his lips seemed to hurt--or tingle at the very least. And now that he thought about it, his body, so comfortable and warm and relaxed just a moment ago, was throbbing with aches that he wasn't sure came from sleeping on a couch.

Lavi wasn't quite sure he wanted to know why he was sleeping on a couch.

As the morning light tore at his heavy lids and needy arms pulled him closer to that indescribable warmth, the memories started to come back, regardless of his will. It started slowly, with a few fragmented thoughts. _I really want to get Yuu drunk; it'd be really funny to see what he's like with no control_. And _Nati Light tastes kind of like watered down piss_. Then, of course, more vital memories came, like Yuu holding onto him, pulling him close, calling him "his." Like the speedy game of croquet and the kiss that followed.

Lavi felt a blush creep on his face as he remembered what followed _that_ , and he knew that he really needed a shower. Someone had tucked him back in, so though his stomach was stuck to Yuu's (he hadn't opened his eyes, but he knew the other boy by his scent and by the fact that his hair was _everywhere_ ), he wasn't horribly sticky. Still, he needed to get clean. And then he needed to forget this ever happened, because he was on his last chance. One thing that Lavi hoped for more than anything was keeping that chance, and if Bookman found out about this little stunt, he'd be killed.

Which, for Yuu's sake and for his own, could never happen. He did not want to leave his roommate an empty husk. And continuing on with his own sake, what was he going to do when Yuu woke up? The boy would probably murder him for what had transpired the previous night. He hoped to whatever entity that watched over and screwed with this world that Yuu didn't remember what had happened. But at the same time, he wished that the Japanese boy would. 

Opening his eye and checking his watch, Lavi figured it was best to just face the music, and Mugen, and gently shook his roommate. Yuu opened an eye and looked at him for a moment, gaze still hazy. They obviously hadn't been asleep long for the alcohol to still be affecting his roommate this much. The dark-haired boy mumbled something along the lines of "home" and "now" and " _baka_ ". Lavi followed, trying not to make too much noise and wake the other people still sleeping on different parts of the floor.

It was cold outside, and he shivered a bit, walking a little bit closer to Yuu to try and steal some heat, but that failed because for some reason his roommate felt colder than the air around them. He grabbed onto Yuu's arm in case his senses were just screwed up because of the alcohol and found that it was slightly warmer, though it had nothing to do with body temperature.

They made it back to the dorm quickly, not a word spoken between them, which was exceedingly rare for Lavi, seeing as he should be chatting away, hangover and all, but something just didn't seem right in disturbing the silence of the morning. Yuu unlocked their door and switched on the light, immediately collapsing onto his bed. Lavi grabbed his towel and went to shower.

He returned to find his roommate in exactly the same position as he had left him in, his face smashed into his pillow and his arms and legs bent underneath him. The redhead pushed the Japanese boy onto his side, moving his long dark hair away from his face and removing his shoes. His roommate looked peaceful in his sleep for once. Whether he was having a nice dream or not dreaming at all didn't matter, just that he wasn't having a nightmare was a pleasant change. It seemed like every time Lavi caught the dark-haired boy asleep, it would look like he was reliving some horrible trauma. It took all of the redhead's willpower not to wake Yuu, because he knew even though it was a nightmare-filled sleep, it was still sleep, something he knew his roommate didn't get enough of.

He trailed a hand down Yuu's cheek, for no reason in particular, just that he wanted to feel how smooth the other boy's skin was, just so he could remember what it felt like, because he knew Yuu wouldn't let him near after what had happened. So he lay down, as close as he could get to his roommate, and fell asleep, hoping that Yuu would kill him quickly and with a smile on his face.

\---

He felt Yuu get up and grab his stuff to shower. The weird part was that his dark-haired roommate didn't even try to rouse him. He pretended to sleep until he heard the door close and until he heard it open again fifteen minutes later. He listened as Yuu rummaged around in his closet and got dressed. He was really tempted to open his eye when it went quiet, but if he woke up now, he'd have to deal with Yuu shouting at him, telling him what a pervert he was, how he couldn't believe Lavi would take advantage of him like that, that he never wanted to see the redhead again and that he didn't care what happened to him as long as he never had to see Lavi again.

It hurt his chest to think about. So he decided to stay asleep until Yuu made him move.

Another few moments of silence passed through the room, and then there was movement, the quick sound of shuffling getting closer to him until there was a firm jostling of his shoulder.

"Oi, Lavi, wake up," ordered Yuu's slightly-gruffer-than-usual voice. The redhead pretended to have been jarred from a rather deep sleep, peering upward at his roommate, who was standing over him, looking slightly confused.

"'Mornin' Yuu. What's up?" He asked, faking grogginess. He still was slightly hungover, so it was easy.

"When did we come back here?" The dark-haired boy asked hesitantly.

Wait. Did Yuu remember what had happened? If he did, he would have immediately started shouting and accusing. But it wasn't there, it was just Yuu looking confused.

"This morning. Do you remember anything from last night?" He asked, trying to keep the desperate edge from his voice and succeeding completely.

Yuu paused and made a "thinking" expression. Lavi sat staring, waiting for the memories to return, anticipation twisting his innards in horrible little Celtic knots.

Yuu shook his head, and the redhead's intestines untwisted as if Alexander the Great had just sliced through them like he had the Gordian knot.

"What happened?" Yuu's next question jarred him from his internal celebration of relief.

_Think, think, think, lie, nothing happened, nothing at all. It was just a normal party..._

"We drank and then _you_ passed out on me, and then I passed out. We got back here around eight fifteen, you were probably still blacked out." Sometimes Lavi was thankful he was a Bookman, just for the simple fact that it made you an excellent liar.

Yuu didn't question him at all.

The dark-haired boy sat back down on his bed, Lavi completely aware of the fact that his roommate had neglected to replace his shirt. The heat from his shower still radiated off of him, and it reminded the redhead of all that _had_ transpired the night before and all of the things that had been involved in said activities. And he realized that he couldn't take it. He wished Yuu had remembered. It was better than feeling this overwhelming guilt for having betrayed someone who was so close to him in such a despicable way. He needed to get away, he needed to get away from the reminders of what he would lose if Bookman ever did find out about what he had done.

He grabbed his computer and his homework and went to the library, exiling himself there until exhaustion overwhelmed his ability to decipher English from Japanese--five in the morning on a school night. He could only hope that Yuu would be asleep when he returned. 

\---

_November 5_

Lavi had been ignoring him all week. He knew the redhead had a lot of classes, but Yuu had never once seen him _study_. The idiot always had his homework done before his classes were even over, so why he was now spending all his time locked away in the library was beyond the Japanese boy. It was already Thursday, and Lavi hadn't once asked him to cook for him with that annoying-ass face. For that matter, he hadn't made that annoying-ass face at him all week in any situation. Hell, he hadn't even spoken to the redhead--besides minor greetings on Lavi's part or the now common, "off to the library, see ya later, Yuu-chan" that was now like a mantra.

Yuu wondered if the redhead was so paranoid about losing his last chance that he didn't want to risk taking off his persona to be around the dark-haired boy.

It was around nine o'clock when the idiot limped back into the room, carrying what looked like half the library on his back or in his arms.

"Evenin', Yuu!" The apprentice Bookman shouted upon entering the room.

Yuu rolled his eyes at the annoyance.

It was a shame the redhead hadn't been looking to be offended.

"Panda should be comin' over in a bit, sooo..." He didn't need to finish the thought. They both understood what that meant. It was the moment of truth the same as every other week. Would the old man notice? Or would Lavi be around for another week of idiotic rabbitness?

Then as always the same two rhythmic knocks echoed into the room. The door opened, and the short man with strange hair hobbled in, the same piercing eyes taking in everything they saw and categorizing it into the neat little objective folders they most likely had somewhere in the archives of the man's brain. Apprentice and Master spoke for a while, and Yuu, not having slept much during the week, decided it was best to take a nap, because the two Bookmen had exited to room and so it was safe, and when Lavi came back, he would hopefully be smiling, not ignoring him like he had all week, and they would talk just like they used to before the redhead had gone weird. Maybe Lavi would curl up with him, like he had been recently, and it would be warm and not cold and painful like so many of his days had been.

It wouldn't be cold... there wouldn't be any faces obscuring his view, they wouldn't be forcing their way over everything good and safe and happy in his life. He wouldn't remember exactly why all his dreams were about that small, dark room, where there was always the sound of chains and dripping water. There wouldn't be lotuses. There wouldn't be the man with the small eyes and wicked grin who had been the first to hurt him...

_It is really dark... too dark. And it is scary. Quiet. The sound of water dripping on the hard stone floor. The hard bed and the coarse blankets that are painful on his bare skin._

_He is scared, so scared..._

_The light flicks on, and there is sound, loud sound, laughing. Horrible, terrifying laughter that doesn't belong in the quiet._

_The man who had been kind to him stands at the door with another man, a frightening, beady-eyed man, with a twisted smile that screams "danger," "run," "escape."_

_Why is he coming closer to the only warm place, his only safe place?_

_Voices mumble words that make no sense, garbled and threatening._

_Too close, too close, why is he so close?_

_Stay away... no, please, don't, no, stop._

_Pain... what is happening? Why can't he see anything? Why can't he move?_

_Pain. So much... pain. Panting sounds, breath in his ear, tickling it, teeth on his neck. Agony._

_Stop... please stop._

"Please... stop, no more. It hurts..." There was someone shouting at him. Someone was touching him, and they had to stop, because they were too close and it was too bright and there were too many face and flowers and too many chains and it was freezing to the point where he thought his joints might seize in place and he'd turn into that stupid tin man from that stupid movie that dark-haired girl whose name he couldn't quite recall at the moment liked so much. The voice that was yelling at him tightened its grip on his shoulder, and his eyes shot open.

\---

"See 'ya next week, Panda!" He shouted down the hall at his departing master. Things had gone exceedingly smooth this visit, with not a single mention of anything negative, save for a few coffee stains on his logs.

It had been so difficult sustaining his persona this week, nearly impossible when he had been forced to stay in the dorm. It was just so tempting to let it drop and to sit down next to his roommate and monopolize the dark-haired boy's time. But that couldn't happen anymore. He had to keep a distance or else something of the magnitude of Saturday night would happen again, and neither of them could afford to have that happen while sober.

He entered the dorm room, prepared to just collapse onto his bed and sleep, when he noticed something was off. Yuu was asleep, for one. That in itself was odd, because the boy never slept on days when Bookman visited, but that was not what made Lavi stop in his tracks, persona falling, completely forgotten, to the proverbial floor.

Yuu's dark hair was strewn over his face, his fists clenched at his pillow and sheets, his face contorted in a mask that was quite familiar to the redhead, and he was mumbling in his sleep. No, he wasn't mumbling... he was _pleading_ , pleading for whatever was happening to stop, because it _hurt_.

He ran, or limped, over to his roommate and shook his shoulder roughly.

"Yuu, wake up, its okay!" He shouted into Yuu's ear.

The object of his concern's eyes snapped open, and the boy flung himself backward into the wall, an expression of sheer terror on his face.

\---

There were so many faces, swirling around in front of him, trying to break into his mind, trying to purge all the sanity he had left in his abused and broken brain. They were trying to send him back to that small, dark room where he'd be beaten, raped, and violated in so many different ways. Where things were never coherent and the reigning thoughts were of despair and death. And the memories were too close to the surface and there was a loud voice, piercing its way through the darkness, marching past the lotuses and shapeless masses and invading his mind, making him aware that he was pulling at his hair and that his back was up against something cold and hard as hands pulled at his arms, which were covering up his breaking facade. And it was so cold.

So cold.

And he wished someone was there to wake him up from this horrible nightmare, someone to make him warm or at least to push away all the malicious faces, the faces that wanted to hear him scream just like he used to. He wished Lenalee was there, just like when he was twelve. He wished Lavi was there; the stupid redhead would be able to help. He could always make the faces go away, even though Yuu would never have told him that. But he wished he was there, more than he had ever wished for anything in his life, more than he had wished for his mother back when everything had been real and not just another hallucination or dream. Back when his mind hadn't been destroyed, back when he could trust, back when he was whole and untarnished, back when he hadn't been disfigured.

"Yuu, wake up, its okay!" A frantic voice reverberated through his consciousness, making the faces more indistinct and the lotuses fewer.

"Yuu, Yuu, its just me, everything's fine, please, look at me." There it was again. Clear as a bell over a silent village in the country. Making it so that it was just slightly warmer, functional.

"Yuu, hey, no one's gonna hurt ya." The haze began to dissipate, and his vision blurred to red and green. His spinning, incoherent mind began to calm and focus on the colors.

"Lavi?" He asked, somewhat appalled by how horrid his voice sounded, ragged as if he were about to cry, which he wasn't, because that wouldn't be manly.

"Hey, you okay?" His annoying roommate asked, his voice also cracked and mangled from all the emotion, but there was still something off about him, as if he wasn't quite himself. Yuu's mind, still wary and hypersensitive, reacted to it, sending another shot of adrenaline through the dark-haired boy's veins. Lavi wouldn't hurt him, he knew that, but "Lavi" could not be trusted.

Yuu nodded, not wanting the idiot any closer than he already was, even though he really just wanted to curl up in the redhead's warmth and fall asleep.

The dark-haired boy took a few deep breaths and let go of his legs, relaxing as much as his stress-worn nerves could take.

There were a few seconds of silence as Yuu tried to compose himself.

"You okay?" Lavi asked, his tone sounding contemplative and disturbingly curious. Yuu nodded and the redhead smiled, widely, and fakely, not having changed from his behavior before Bookman had come. Yuu shivered slightly, as if a cold breeze had washed over him.

Lavi made one of his "I'm thinking about doing something that I'll probably regret" noises, which should have been warning enough for the Japanese boy, but seeing as he wasn't exactly in the best frame of mind at the moment, he ignored it.

And then the redhead spoke.

"So, Yuu..." He began, moving so that he was straddling the older boy's legs, "Who raped ya?"

\----

"You okay?" He asked again, as he noticed Yuu's breathing had calmed. Though his persona had fallen while he'd walked in, he knew he needed to stay away from his roommate. Especially since Bookman would probably hang around campus for a while, doing some digging on Lavi's behavior. Plus, he was terrified--scared of what he had seen, how Yuu had _writhed_ under his sheets, eyes watering with the strength of his pitiful pleas. His voice had been broken and cracking, higher in pitch than usual, and hopelessly lost in his dream.

He liked Yuu, but such an emotion, like every other one, was completely forbidden, and he had to keep it at bay. The Japanese boy seemed pretty calm, so if he let his persona just slip back on a little, make a hasty retreat once that horrible, haunted look began to diminish...

But it wasn't going away, and the further his persona spread, the more it polluted his thoughts with awful temptations.

_There's something wrong with him. You are curious. Find out. Find out, find out, find out!_

It was stupid to listen to those thoughts, but his persona was being insistent, growing louder and louder in a damning crescendo. Especially since he was pretty sure he knew the basic gist of what had happened to Yuu. This recent dream and the boy's reaction to Lavi when he'd first awoken only confirmed his theory.

_But you need to know. Findoutfindoutfindout!!!!_

He made a contemplative noise. The persona was taking over his thoughts, his actions, until all that was left was Bookman, Junior, caped in the flowing fabric of Forty-Nine.

No! Stop!

But his body was already moving.

"So, Yuu..." the redhead began. Yuu was against the wall, legs outstretched, and Lavi's right leg swung swiftly over top of them. He sat down, pulling himself a bit closer so that if they had been naked, they would be pressed up against each other. "Who raped ya?"

No! He didn't want to ask that! But his soul was chained down. He wanted to reach out to Yuu with his eye. Under his eye patch, his right eye was watering with self-hatred, and his left eye would soon follow suit. Already, it swam with salty tears. Lavi wished they would fall. A waterfall into an ocean of regret. He wanted to move, to apologize as profusely as he could. But he knew in this state, Yuu would not be reasonable. Already, the boy was seizing up. His deep, charcoal eyes were wide with the repugnance of betrayal.

It hurt, like a harpoon in a whale's side, like a hook in a fish's lip, like the loss of the only love Lavi had ever experienced in fifteen years. Because Yuu would never forgive him for this. There was no forgiveness for this.

"I'm sorry," he wanted to say, but his persona was still very much occupying the forefront of his mind, directing his actions and speech like Lavi had at one point allowed. But he couldn't stand for this. He had to gather his strength.

Yuu pushed him off with the strength of a cornered lion and practically lurched to the corner of his bed, where he curled up in the most defensive position he could manage--knees to his chest and arms wrapping almost like they were safeguarding his fragile heart, preventing it from further hurt. His forehead was pressed to his knees, and Yuu shivered like a hypothermic. Horrible, deep sounds came from somewhere in his chest, emerging from his throat like some kind of small, rough parody of sobs. They were like tiny, low whimpers.

"No, Yuu, no, it's okay, it's me, please, please forgive me, I'm so sorry," Lavi mumbled, crawling across to Yuu's position as he abruptly regained control. His heart broke when the boy shuddered away from him, but he firmly took hold of Yuu's wrists and pulled. He would not let the other boy fall away from him, not when he needed the boy so much. Not when he knew exactly what Yuu meant to him. No, he knew his feelings went a lot deeper than he was acknowledging, but he wasn't ready to understand those ones yet. Still, he needed the other boy to know that it was okay, that he hadn't meant to hurt him, that he really, really needed forgiveness or else he might just cave into his persona for the rest of his life.

Lavi wanted to cry as Yuu fought against his hold, ripped and clawed at whatever was in front of him. He took each new scratch with a sense of pride. This was his repentence. _Forgive me, Yuu. Hit me, destroy me, tear me apart until I'm more broken than you, but please,_ please _, forgive me._

At last, the older boy's struggles began to cease, and Lavi's attempts to pull him closer finally started to pay off. When Yuu was completely in his lap, he held him with arms as tight as vices and let him shake and cry (which, dear God in Heaven, he was. He was almost blubbering, snot pouring out of his nose as he hiccuped and pulled in what little breath he could between body-wracking sobs). The entire time, Lavi held him still, held him together. Yuu needed to be held together. Lavi doubted the boy had ever had anyone--besides Lenalee--who would do such a thing for him. Tiedoll would volunteer, but it was about Yuu's trust. Even if Lavi had broken his into microscopic shards of glass, the Japanese boy seemed to be forgiving him.

The sobs calmed relatively quickly, but the sniffles and hiccups didn't fully go away for a long time. Yuu grabbed at Lavi's arms and held on with a grip tighter than the redhead's own. They were saving his sanity here, his heart and his mind and maybe a little bit of his soul, too.

When Yuu began to speak, it was in a low, haunted voice. He turned to face Lavi, but he kept his head down, like he was ashamed of what had happened to him. It wouldn't surprise Lavi at all if he was.

"I ran away from the police station after it happened," the dark-haired boy began. It was obvious what the _it_ was. After all, why else would he have been with the police. "They wanted to send me with this older couple, but they scared me. I was only ten, old people scared me."

It sounded like Yuu was trying to justify what had happened to him, not to Lavi, but to himself. As if he was trying to convince himself that what had happened hadn't been his fault.

"I... was on the streets for a week or two, and I was really hungry. I was sitting on the sidewalk in the afternoon one day when a young woman and her husband came up to me and asked if I wanted some food and a warm place to stay. They were really nice... and it was really cold, so I followed them. They fed me and gave me clothes and a nice bed to sleep in. I stayed with them a few days before... before..." Yuu trailed off and put his forehead onto Lavi's shoulder, taking in a few deep breaths.

"You don't have to--" The redhead began to say, but he was cut off by a rush of words mumbled into his collarbone.

"Then one day, the lady told me to follow her into the basement because she had something to show me. It was really dark there, and she led me down this long hallway with a lot of rooms in it. She took me to the end of the row and opened the door. It was a really tiny room, with a bed in the corner and a little bathroom off to the side. S-she pushed me into it and t-took my c-clothes and... locked the door." It was strange to hear such hesitant words come from Yuu's mouth. He was normally so strong and sure, but it was almost as if he was trying to protect himself by being so tentative, preparing himself for the time when he expected Lavi to just get up and leave, too appalled by his tale to stay. So the redhead pulled the boy closer, reassuring him that it was okay to continue.

"It was so cold and dark in there... and so quiet. I was terrified of every noise I heard. I was alone in there for so long that it almost became comfortable, lying on the hard bed. But then someone turned on the light." A shiver swept up Yuu's back at the memory, but he didn't falter in his story. "The man that had been with the lady opened the door and walked in. He was talking with another person I had never seen, and they were speaking in a language I didn't understand. It made me nervous because they kept looking over at me. Then they walked over. The man I didn't know was scary. He had small eyes and a tiny nose and a crazy smile. He said something I couldn't understand and then put a hand over my eyes. Then he spread my legs. I panicked and kicked and trashed because he was _touching_ me in bad ways and... _oh god,_ it _hurt,_ and someone was holding my arms back. And I didn't understand why. But when the man was finished, they both left and turned the light off. I was bleeding and no one came to help until too many hours later."

The way Yuu described what had happened to him was so clear, so coherent, as if the events he was explaining had only happened days, not years, ago. And it was so objective. As if it hadn't happened to him, but to someone else. It was frightening to think that was what the redhead had had to do for most of his life. It appalled him now to think that there had been people who knew what had been going on and had just watched. In some ways that was worse than actually being a part of it. That is what made him such a horrible person, undeserving of all the trust Yuu was obviously putting in him in, telling Lavi the truth.

"How often did that happen?" Lavi asked, afraid to find out, but too damned curious not to.

"Almost every other day toward the end, not so often at the beginning, but still often enough so that I was always in pain," Yuu answered quickly.

"How many people were there?"

"I don't know; I'm missing a lot of time in the middle and at the end. They drugged me because I kept fighting back. I just couldn't... let myself ignore what they were doing. In then end, that's probably what saved me..." The dark-haired boy trailed off and was silent for a moment.

"What do you mean, Yuu?" The redhead asked, hoping to keep Yuu talking so that he wouldn't have to think about everything just yet.

"I was always getting really hurt, so they would always have to call their doctor in. He was the one that promised to get me out. He was the one that got everyone out. He was the one that gave me the Lotus. It was toward the end, I think. I had started to build up a resistance to whatever they were giving me, and I woke up in the middle of one of the _sessions_ and fought back. But the guy was stronger and I was chained down, so I didn't stand a chance. I was dying, so the doctor took me to a hospital. They fixed me up, he gave me the Lotus, and then he took me back."

"He took you _back_?" Lavi exclaimed, wondering why the fuck any nurse or doctor would have allowed Yuu to be taken anywhere when he was obviously in an abominable situation.

"It was so he could convince the police to come and investigate. He'd been trying to get them to investigate for months, but there hadn't been enough proof. A week after I came back, the police raided the house and took everyone away. The doctor was arrested for aiding and abetting, and I was sent away with Lenalee and Tiedoll."

"How long were you there?"

"Two years."

Lavi felt like he was going to be sick. How could the boy have suffered so much and still be able to function? In the back of his mind, he wondered what sort of condition his roommate had been in when he had first been freed. He'd have to ask Lenalee about it. But that would be later. Right now... it was obvious by the slight shaking in his limbs that Yuu still needed someone to hold on to, so Lavi squeezed just a little tighter.

The boy reached out to clench his fingers in the fabric at Lavi's sides. Pulling hands softly through the ends of Yuu's hair, the redhead brought his lips to the other boy's ear.

"I won't ever leave you, Yuu-chan. If Bookman tries to make me leave, I won't. I... I..." _like you_ , but now wasn't the time to say that, "...I won't leave your side. You're my best friend."

Those long-fingered hands clenched harder, threatening to break the fabric, and Yuu nodded with small up and down motions into Lavi's chest. Those slight movements, the soft words whispered into delicate minds, that was all it took for the promise to be set. It fell like a warm blanket around their shoulders and kept them cozy as Lavi rocked back and forth, much like one would do to a sleepy child, until Yuu finally fell back into a light sleep.

He didn't know how long he stayed that way, but maybe an hour or two--a minute or two?--later, two rhythmic knocks echoed from the other side of the door.

Lavi's heart froze, and Yuu stirred.

"Shh," he whispered, taking Yuu's blankets from the end of the bed and covering the boy up. Lavi smoothed Yuu's fringe and kissed his forehead lightly before putting some shoes on and going to the door.

He would not answer with his persona.

Stepping out into the hallway, he didn't greet Bookman until the door had closed. He would not wake Yuu--the boy didn't need to be conscious for the struggle that would ensue. Most likely, Lavi would lose his life, but...

They were walking, walking to the forest behind the residence hall. Early November snow hit the top of his head, making him shiver. The journey didn't take long--only a minute or so--but the apprentice Bookman was shivering by the time they reached the cover of the trees.

_There was no heartbeat around him, no comforting warmth, only mattress. And that wasn't right. Lavi wasn't supposed to leave him. Hadn't he promised? Yuu cracked an eye open. It was really, really dark. Safe. Only now the darkness felt foreboding._

"Lavi, when I took you off the streets, I saw in you a good apprentice, so I'm willing to let you explain what I found on the internet."

Oh, fuck. Someone had probably taken pictures at the last party and posted them on Facebook. Lavi gulped inwardly and waited for Bookman to take out his battered old iPhone. They were given to the entire clan as a donation from Apple, but they were rarely used. Bookman detested his, and he obviously didn't care if it was dropped onto hard surfaces.

With intent eyes, Lavi tried to follow what website the old man was typing in, only he failed. The keyboards were touchscreen and too compact, so that wasn't surprising. No one could ask him to follow that, especially if there were no tones associated with each letter. Lavi missed the days when phones were easy. And not as portable. Or cellular. Good days, those had been.

_Lavi was missing from the room, which wasn't right. Though perhaps he was in the bathroom. After all, everyone had to pee._

"Can you explain this video to me, Lavi?"

Redtube. Redtube was the site. And moaning as they moved against each other on the little tiny screen were him and Yuu. The Japanese boy's hair was falling everywhere at once as he kissed Lavi with a passion the redhead hadn't noticed at the time. Of course, he also didn't remember having his hands on Yuu's ass, squeezing and kneading until the boy hissed very loudly in what was obviously pleasure.

Lavi couldn't move. His eyes were glued to the screen, because damn, that was hot, and also, Yuu seemed very aware of what he was doing. It was obvious that they both meant every kiss, every subtle caress.

And maybe that was the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

_But no, he was taking too long. Donning a sweatshirt--the halls were cold from the frigid air sifting in from the kitchenette down the hall--Yuu padded over to the bathroom._

_"Lavi?" He called, but there was no answer. He looked under the stalls, but there were no feet. The showers were also empty. He didn't need to panic, but for some reason, Yuu felt like he should._

Bookman's glare was ominous. "You meant that, didn't you?" He asked. Lavi couldn't shake his head to deny such an allegation. He had, after all. Oh God, had he. He craved more of that touch.

"I did," he said instead. The old panda was suddenly very, very electric. Like lightning, miniscule hands came out and punched him in his gut. Lavi tried to block, but not even rudimentary martial arts could help him here. Each blow rained down on his soon-to-be battered body. Needles started joining the fists, and his back stung, and tears came to his eyes, and he was on his knees...

_Desperate to keep his pace unhurried--and failing miserably at that endeavor--Yuu went to Lizzie's room. It was possible the girl's mother was over. Also, he'd heard she'd been having a lot of arguments with Skin lately, so it was possible that maybe she'd been hurt. She would have enlisted Lavi's help in either case, so it was possible he was there._

_He knocked on her door._

Lavi screamed. The pain was horrible. Something sliced across his middle. Bookman pushed him backward, and as he fell into a suspiciously deep pit--had the old man given him a grave?--his arm hit something and _cracked_. Lavi screamed again, turning right so that he could cradle his arm and scaring away what few birds had stayed in the bare canopies of the nearby trees. Agony like he hadn't experienced since the time he'd hurt his eye spread down to his arm and settled there. Each heartbeat, so fast, so fast, pumped more of the scalding burn into his elbow until it was nearly numb with the sensation. He wanted to cry, just like he had when he was a little boy, and his eyes responded by tearing up. It wasn't a relief, not really, especially when Bookman's next blow hit him in the back of the head.

Dimly, he heard something heavy hit the ground. As he swooned forward, he thought he saw a brick, but his vision was getting kind of blurry.

The leaves all around him were red.

_"Lizzie?" He called, knocking harder on the door._

_"G'way!" Came a muffled shout._

_Yuu knocked again, even though he knew Lavi wasn't there._

_"Whatizzit?" Lizzie asked, opening the door and looking horrifyingly girly in a loose pink cotton top and matching short shorts. The outfit did fit her well, but that didn't really matter when_ Lavi couldn't be found.

_"Have you seen Lavi?"_

_"No--go away."_

_She was kind of mean when she was tired, Yuu noted, but he wasn't thinking about that either, because where in the hell was Lavi? He ran back to the room and grabbed a coat. What if their room had been broken into and Lavi had gotten kidnapped? He was probably in Tyki's clutches, being groped or something worse._

_When he came to the outside of the building, he realized it had been snowing lightly for a while. He saw vague footprints in the snow and followed them without hesitation. It was obviously Bookman. Only he would take Lavi to the forest out back._

He coughed and coughed and coughed, but the burning in his arm and the pain in his head and the aching warmth in his stomach made it hard to breathe. It was so very cold, and Lavi felt like he was drowning in it. A boot caught him in his chest, and he fell onto his back. More pain erupted, but his nerves were all worn out. It was even harder to breathe, but that was okay, because he welcomed death now. Anything was better than this excruciating coldness.

"What a waste," someone said. The sound of strings snapping very close to his face and the sudden iciness on his eye were confusing, and Lavi very keenly felt the impact of something heavy, maybe dirt and leaves, on his stomach and legs--he hadn't had his boot on, and his ankle was throbbing again, too--and chest.

He was drifting in the agonizing world, shivering and feeling something warm pool around him. It chilled, coagulated, and then it was followed by more. Someone was calling his name. The voice sounded worried, but Lavi was probably imagining it. Everything was all blurry and _cold_. Frigid. Hypothermic. Was this what Eskimos felt like all the time? Bookman had never taken him to the Arctic, so he didn't know the answer to that. Maybe it was even colder.

"Lavi!"

The imaginary voice faltered as something impacted his side. Frantic hands tore at the dirt and leaves, and the voice said his name again, this time with surprise.

Something moved him and he screamed once again. His throat was also hurting now, though it didn't compare at all to the pain in his chest and head. He felt something being pulled from his back, and it was suddenly a lot harder to breathe, as if all the air was escaping before it could be absorbed and pulled into the now leaking system of veins and arteries. His back felt a little warmer as the imaginary person shifted him again.

The voice was still there, more frantic than it had been when Lavi had first heard it. It was closer, and he felt heat on his cheeks. Then something impacted with his face again. Would whatever was there just let him die already? The object hit him again and his vision cleared slightly. There was a very blurry mass leaning over him. The mass was glaring.

It was also speaking. Which was a very strange thing for a mass of that size to do. It was a very familiar mass, though the redhead had no idea whether they had met before or not. His limbs were going a bit numb, which was nice, seeing as it didn't hurt quite so much.

"Oi, Lavi, stay with me, the ambulance is on its way," the very familiar voice said. It sounded a bit like Yuu-chan, but it couldn't be, because the boy was still asleep in their room and no one had seen Lavi and Bookman leave, so this nice mass must've been a very vivid hallucination. Which was okay, because at least he got to see his best friend before he died. Sensation was disappearing rapidly from his lower body, and his vision cleared a little more because of it.

He looked up at his hallucination, who was slightly stained with that odd red color that seemed to be everywhere except where it needed to be. "This is a nice hallucination," he commented.

His imagined figure scoffed at him. What a thing for a figment of his imagination to do. His mind really had gotten Yuu's personality down. Because now it was trying to tell him that it wasn't a hallucination. But how could it not be? He tried to shake his head to tell his mind that what it was saying was ridiculous and that it should just shut up and let him go to sleep because he was getting tired and maybe if he just... closed his eyes for a few minutes, the pain in his chest would lessen and he would be able... to breathe a little better.

But appearently, his mind was a lot more stubborn than he had previously thought, because the hallucination slapped him, the cheeky bastard.

"Hey, idiot, stay awake, you fall asleep and you die, now stay with me." His mind could even replicate Yuu's voice perfectly. Sometimes he amazed even himself.

He barely felt it as something draped over his torso. It felt like a jacket, but imaginary people didn't wear jackets, so that option was out, but seeing as he couldn't think of another explanation, he decided that maybe his hallucination did.

There was a loud noise in the background of his mind. It kept getting louder and more annoying, so he decided that was his cue to close his eyes and go to sleep, because for some reason it had become very, very hard... to focus on his strange illusion.

He wondered if it heard him say goodnight.


	13. Life is Beautiful

Chapter 13--Life is Beautiful

__There are no facts, only interpretations.

\---Friedrich Nietzsche

_November 7_

He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there, hand tightly clenching his roommate's. It didn't really matter. The surgery had gone well, and Lavi was expected to make a speedy recovery. The boy had a very sketchy medical history, but thankfully that fact hadn't impeded the redhead's health as yet. Yuu resisted the urge to knock on wood. It wouldn't help, and it wouldn't make him any less nervous. He hadn't realized how integral a part of him Lavi had become. It was almost frightening, how much his current existence depended on the idiot rabbit. But he knew that living like he was now would be impossible if the boy had died.

He'd be back in the closet, that was obvious. Of course, that made him feel weaker, which wasn't exactly a welcome emotion at the moment.

Two desperately dazed malachite eyes opened slowly, and Lavi let out a little waking groan as he tried to take in the world. The boy blinked again, and then once more. His expression was very confused, as if he wasn't really sure where he was. That wasn't so surprising, though, Yuu thought, seeing as when Lavi had last been coherent, he'd been in a forest.

Bookman had left his apprentice for dead, presumably after beating him to within an inch of his life. There had been needles drilling minuscule holes into the redhead's lungs, and he'd been bleeding from pretty much everywhere. His leg and arm had both been off at awkward angles. In addition, Lavi had hit his head pretty badly. On what, Yuu didn't know, but as long as the doctors fixed the concussion that came with it, he didn't really care.

"Yuu... puu?" Lavi asked with a confused gaze, then giggled incoherently. "Yuu-puu-shan is 'ere wif me!"

"Er, yes, I'm... here with you," Yuu repeated incredulously, patting the rabbit's hand absently.

"Un-HUH!" Lavi exclaimed, trying to sit up. He let out a dastardly high-pitched screech as the pain outgrew even the help of the morphine. "OH FUCK, OH FUCK, OH FUCK, ISSLIKE BEIN' HIT BY LIGHTNIN'!!!"

The Japanese boy raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?" He asked.

"Th' 'lectriticy,* isskillin' me, please save me, Yuu-pan!" Yuu couldn't reflect on whatever the hell the redhead meant, as Lavi sat up partway, enough to grasp the dark-haired boy's sleeves with white-fingered knuckles. He was shaking with the effort, and tears piled up in his eyes--it was still weird seeing him without the eye patch, which had not been found near the boy.

Yuu simply pushed his roommate down into the uncomfortable hospital bed, and eventually Lavi's cries subsided. Rolling his eyes, Yuu reached over and pressed the nurse call button. A moment later, a young man in peach scrubs (poor fuck) bustled in, followed by a female in a white coat. She held a clipboard in her hand and tutted when she saw her patient struggling against Yuu's restraining arms.

"Lemme go, bassard!" The rabbit slurred annoyingly.

"No."

"Pweez, Yuu-tuu?" Yuu shook his head again at the slurring, glancing at the doctor who was still examining her clipboard.

"I'll be changing the medication as soon as you're finished cleaning him up, Nurse Jerome." The nurse nodded and went to lift Lavi up.

The redhead wasn't having it.

"No, no, they're gonna fondle m'junk! Yuu-puu, they're gonna fondle m'junk, help!" It was almost pathetic to see Lavi struggle against what was obviously the inevitable. It was also really pathetic to see the look on the nurse's face as he had to carry the squirming idiot into the bathroom, princess-style.

The sounds of resistance continued into the tiled bathroom, and Yuu followed a minute later, wondering if there was a way he could keep Lavi calm, because it was obvious the rabbit wasn't going to be giving up without a fight.

He walked in to find a very damp-looking nurse and a very agitated Lavi. Somehow, they had both ended up in the tub, and neither looked particularly pleased.

Knealing down next to the tub, he took Lavi's face in his hands and turned the idiot's face toward his own, very sternly looking into his dazed eyes.

"Lavi," he began, loud enough that it got the redhead's attention, "Stop it, you are fine."

"B-buh Yuu-shan, they're gonna ffffondle meh," Lavi slurred, his cheeks red and squished in Yuu's hands.

"No, they aren't, just look at me." It was amazing what a little force could accomplish, because the idiot stared at him like someone had set his brain to the "off" mode for a good ten minutes when the nurse finally finished his job.

And as soon as the dark-haired boy let go, it was back to the thrashing and fighting against the exhausted-looking R.N.

When Lavi had been safely redressed and placed in his bed, the doctor hooked him up to some different medication in hopes that the strange behavior was just an allergic reaction and not due to some terminal injury of the brain.

After unsuccessfully trying to stuff food down the redhead's throat, the nurse left, mumbling about how he definitely didn't get paid enough. The redhead glared after him, mumbling something about "fondling" and "junk." Yuu sincerely hoped it wasn't a brain injury. The boy _had_ hit his head pretty hard, after all, and Yuu didn't think he could deal with this every day.

But he would, mushy as that thought was. He would stay with the boy he... very much liked, no matter how hard things got. Even if Lavi was retarded, Yuu would stand by him. Which he really hoped wouldn't be the case.

\---

_November 8_

Everything around Lavi was swaddling him with warmth. There was a chilly hand in his own, but even that burned like lava when he thought about it. The air in the room was dry, industrial, but it, too, was a comfortable temperature. Even his feet, which were often cold when he didn't wear socks, were tingling pleasantly at the same temperature as the rest of his body.

The light abovehead reddened both his eyelids, so obviously his eye patch was off. He struggled to remember why, but he decided it wasn't worth it. Using his unoccupied hand--his left--he covered his right eye and gently opened the other.

It was unerringly bright. All around him, light refracted off of blindingly white walls. At first, it was nearly impossible to see, but as he waited, eye watering a bit with the effort not to cringe, his vision cleared. He was in a hospital--that much he could have told without the sight to confirm it.

A dark waterfall of hair showered his face, and he realized his roommate was above him, looking down at him with a worried look on his flawless, sexy face. His eyes carried a bit of wariness, as if he was expecting Lavi to spout something stupid. Which would be his first action, naturally.

But as soon as he opened his mouth, reality hit. He remembered the talk with Yuu, the promise to stay with him forever, Bookman's appearance, and the horrible pain.

"Yuu..." He said softly, a note of mourning making itself apparent in his voice. Gently, the other boy removed his left hand from over his eye. For the first time, Lavi saw his roommate without restraints.

"You okay, _Baka_?" Yuu asked quietly, squeezing the redhead's hand gently. Lavi nodded, which hurt his head, causing his eyes to swim.

"Hurts," he mumbled.

"I know." The boy's right hand withdrew from Lavi's left and made its way to his hair, where it began to weave through the fiery strands.

"How long was I out?"

"They had you in a medicine-induced coma for a day, and then you woke up yesterday."

"I did?"

Yuu laughed, really laughed. It was a bad sign. Immediately, Lavi felt suspicious.

"What did I do?"

"'Yuu-shan, they're gonna fondle m'junk!'" Yuu imitated in a high-pitched voice that even Lavi couldn't reach. The dark-haired boy rolled his eyes and then continued in his normal register, "You wouldn't stop _saying_ that. You scared the nurse away."

"What was I on?" Lavi asked, dreading the answer he knew was coming.

"Morphine," was the simple reply.

"Ah, no!" Lavi moaned, bringing his free hand up to his head again, this time to cover his growing blush. The other boy snorted, but the hand in his squeezed again, comforting him. "So, anyway," Lavi continued after he'd gained some semblance of composure again, "today is what?"

"Sunday."

"So I only missed Friday's classes." He felt relieved.

" _Che_."

"What?"

"You don't really need to go to them, do you?" Yuu sounded a bit disdainful.

"That's not the point, Yuu-chan."

"Of course it is, _Baka_."

Wanting to get out of this particular direction of the conversation, Lavi cast his mind around for something else.

Ah, perfect.

"So, guess why Bookman came back?" He said, trying to sound playful. He knew his expression didn't quite cover it.

"Why?" Yuu answered, playing along.

"Do you have your computer on you?" Lavi asked. He was sure Yuu remembered by now, and he at least deserved to hate Lavi if he didn't, so he may as well know. The boy nodded and pulled it out, poking the button to turn it on. As it booted up, the room became rather silent.

Lavi quickly brought up the website he was searching for, clicked on the featured video of them, and turned it around to Yuu. He tried to block out the bass of the music--he really hated _Poker Face_ \--and the wanton moans that seemed to carry over all the other noise.

He waited for Kanda's face to become horrorstruck, but it remained contemplative throughout the entire video. He put his hand to his chin, and the only sign that he was affected at all was the light blush on his face.

When it finished, he made a humming noise and looked over to his roommate. "I'm sorry," he said, and he looked it.

Lavi had gone beyond the land of the confused and was currently dabbling in the country of the utterly stunned. Eh?

"For what?" He asked, not really understanding what was going on. But for some reason, Yuu didn't hate him, so there was that plus at least.

"For taking advantage of you," Yuu replied, tone heavy with regret. He let go of Lavi's hand and made to get up.

"What!?" Lavi exclaimed. He was no longer in the country of the utterly stunned. He was now in the territory of the totally stymied. "But you didn't--it was--wait, Yuu-chan, don't leave!" He tried to sit up, but his stomach cramped up, protesting in the only way it could at the moment: intense, blinding pain that made his vision go as white as the walls. He may have shrieked, or maybe it was just a grunt, but the next thing he knew, his roommate was back at his side, lowering him back down on the bed.

"I'm really sorry, Lavi."

"I took advantage of you, you idiot," the redhead said through gritted teeth. He would have waited for the pain to go away, but there was the possibility that Yuu might leave the second he was settled back on his tiny mattress. He had to get this out.

"Eh?" It was Yuu's turn to sound confused now. Dimly, Lavi felt a bit triumphant, but that emotion was squashed by the overwhelming need to _apologize_.

"I was less drunk than you. I _knew_ what we were doing. I could have put a stop to it, but I didn't." If he had been sitting upright, Lavi would have hung his head. Instead, he turned it so that the other boy wasn't in his direct line of vision. He felt like he didn't deserve to see Yuu's face right now. A lone finger reached out and turned his head back to face the dark-haired boy.

"I looked like I was enjoying myself, so don't just blame it all on yourself. Besides, I'm on top of you, so I'm assuming I started it."

Lavi blushed. That was kind of true, he supposed, but he really didn't want to think about this. If he dwelled on it too long, _problems_ started to form, and with the thin sheets in the hospital bed, that was not something he wanted to have, especially now.

"Yeah, but, well... you probably would have kissed anyone. And I'm the one of us that's gay, so I really shouldn't have let that happened."

To his surprise, Yuu laughed. It was out of character, loud and booming, but maybe a little sardonic.

"You seriously think I'm not too?" He asked, a strangely genuine-looking smile on his face, as if he wasn't quite sure he was hearing this absurdity properly. Lavi wanted to get offended, but he was a bit surprised at this revelation.

"You are?"

The Japanese boy rolled his eyes and scoffed. "You're so dense!"

"This... this isn't gonna be weird, then, is it?" Lavi asked. Because that was all he was really concerned with at the moment. There was a small twitch at the edges of Yuu's eyes, but the redhead ignored it.

" _Che_ , why would you think that?"

"Well, 'cause we're both gay... and roommates... and stuff," he finished lamely.

"You are such an idiot." With deliberate motions, the boy pushed Lavi up and settled behind him so that Lavi could sit up as well. He leaned back into Yuu's chest--so muscled, so firm, so wonderful--and let himself relax. Yuu's hand found his own again, but it was okay, because it wasn't weird between them.

And he had hope that maybe Yuu could possibly-maybe like him back.

If he was likable enough.

\---

_November 10_

Despite having to have his leg wrapped in plaster, having his arm in a bulky, hyperlink blue sling, and having to hobble along whilst leaning heavily on a cane, Lavi thought getting out of the hospital was a definite plus. Even if Tiedoll insisted on driving them home. And even if the frizzy-haired Frenchman insisted on carrying him into the room, princess-style, and dumping him rather unceremoniously (and painfully, though Lavi had more tact than to mention that) onto his bed. As soon as the man left, the redhead got up and used his can to totter over to Yuu's bed.

It was more comfy.

Well, that was what he told himself. But he knew, not-so-deep down, that he just wanted to be there because it smelled like Yuu and because the other boy was bound to be there if he just waited long enough. Sure enough, moments later, his roommate walked in. At some point between the trip from the car to the room, he'd let his hair down, and it was now swishing about his hips as he strode over to his bed.

"What are you doing here, you idiot?" He asked, but the long-haired boy sat down anyway and laced his fingers through Lavi's like it was perfectly natural. Inside, the redhead's heart did a little victory dance that consisted of much fluttering and soaring.

"Being useless," Lavi replied nonchalantly, putting on his cutest face and staring up at his best friend through his eyelashes. He squeezed Yuu's hand a little bit and then pulled at the boy's wrist so that he could reach up with his mouth and bite it.

"What the fuck are you doing, Rabbit?" Yuu asked, raising a dark eyebrow questioningly.

"Eatin' ya," Lavi said, winking. For some reason, his roommate's face turned bright red. "What is it?"

"Nothing, Rabbit, just... nothing." The boy looked away, obviously trying to fight the blush off and losing quite valiantly. Not knowing how to respond, Lavi once more affixed his teeth to Yuu's wrist.

"You're mighty tasty, y'know. Like sandlewood and soap and Yuu-chan-y-ness," he mumbled conversationally. He really didn't understand why he was trying to say what he was, but he figured that the other boy didn't really mind that much.

"Get off, you weird... _clingy_ thing!" Yuu shouted, wrenching his arm away. Lavi's eyes teared up. He was still unused to not having the eye patch. He was still a bit disconcerted by the whole depth perception thing.

"It's still really weird," he muttered to himself, blinking his right eye rapidly, as if doing so would make his vision evaporate back into nothing.

"Yeah, you're not a pirate anymore." His dark-haired roommate responded. There was a tiny lift to the corners of his lips, and though the redhead felt slightly insulted, he couldn't stop his heart from fluttering a tiny bit at the memory of the other boy's real smile.

"Seriously?"

Pot-usagi calling kettle-san black.

"Yeah, with the... eye patch... and stuff," Yuu tried to explain, waving his hands in strange approximations of gestures even as his voice faded away.

"Arrr." Hooking his pointer finger and pretending it was a hook, Lavi went about trying to scrape the dark-haired boy's other arm, which was still in range. He managed to scrape against Yuu's skin, but what little damage there was melted away within moments, leaving in its wake nothing but pure, clear flesh.

"Oi, watch where you're flailing."

"You watch where _you're_ flailing."

" _Che._ I don't _flail_. I'm not an idiot like you."

Sadly enough, he had a point. Still, there was a tiny amount of tenderness in Yuu's eyes as he looked down at Lavi with... kinship, maybe? Perhaps Yuu knew he had found a soul just as broken and desolate as his own. Even if they both coped with it in different ways, they both had haunted pasts and memories they'd do anything to erase from their minds, and the redhead was willing to bet that the dark-haired boy found solace in that fact. Deep, disfiguring cuts only did so much, but someone to talk to was completely novel. Especially for a boy who had sealed off all of his emotions in order to ghost through life, pretending to live.

Not that Lavi hadn't done the same. After all, wasn't being a Bookman essentially shutting him out of harm's way so that nothing he saw would be horrific enough to affect him? After all, didn't the scene about the waterfall just keep coming back, no matter how hard he tried to block it--even now?

_Oliver was his name. He was thirteen. Around him, soldiers lay dying on the rocky banks of the river. The battle had been bloody and fierce, and it was Oliver's first introduction to the horrors of guerrilla warfare. He had seen many skirmishes between tribes in Africa, he had seen countless sniper shots in the Middle East, but he had never truly understood it until now. His master couldn't really blame him for that; he was still very, very young, and his view of the world had not yet been completely jaded. The way the two sides had just appeared from the trees, from the ground, had blown him away._

_The sounds of gunshots still rang true in his ears._

_It had been a complete massacre, with one side barreling through the other until only corpses and the mortally wounded were left behind. Without mercy, the General on the victorious side shouted out something in a language Oliver was only just beginning to learn. "Take..." He couldn't make out the next three words, but then he heard "river." What few soldiers remained uninjured lifted the bloodied bodies and tossed them into the rapidly moving waters. Terrified, Oliver watched as each cadaver was washed away to the nearby waterfall, limbs flailing--_ flailing, like Yuu had just told him he was doing _\--like marionettes under an inexperienced puppeteer. With every additional body, the water at the base of the cliff was slowly dyed red._

_Red. The color of war. The color of death and the color of sorrow. Red. The color fear._

_"Remember this always, Oliver," Bookman said. The redhead nodded dutifully. He would never forget._

_How could he?_

"Lavi... Lavi? Oi, _Baka_. RABBIT!" Sharp words cut through the fog of his memories.

"Eh?" He asked, blinking, once again discovering the wonders of depth perception.

"Lost you for a moment there," his roommate explained.

"Yeah..." he replied thoughtfully. "Zoned out for a minute. What did you say?"

"I said I'm not an idiot, unlike _someone_ \--" and at this point, Yuu poked him hard in the chest. Lavi gasped, and the dark-haired boy looked remorseful for the split-second between his words. For a moment, it seemed that they'd both forgotten about his still smarting injuries, "--I know."

"You're so meeeaaan to meeee!" Lavi wailed, right on cue. He put a hand to his slightly throbbing chest and squeezed a couple fat, alligator tears from his eyes.

" _Che_ , you deserve it," Yuu replied, rolling his eyes, all concern forgotten. Lavi frowned. There was a pause where they both stared at each other, but then Yuu's face sobered and he spoke again. "What were you thinking about?"

"Oh." No, he didn't want to think about that. Make it go away. "Just... stuff." He shook his head.

A hand brushed his cheek so lightly and briefly that it was almost like the caress hadn't been there at all. "You're being vague, Lavi."

"I'm not allowed to be?" He asked. His voice had lost whatever strength it had gained from the colossal pain Yuu had bestowed on him through the violent means of the poke.

"No. Just... I want to..." It sounded like the Japanese boy was having trouble figuring out what to say.

"Know?" Lavi asked helpfully. The other boy nodded, and it looked to the redhead as if Yuu was actually giving him a hopeful, interested expression, like he _wanted_ to know about the horrors of the waterfall. He shuddered unconsciously. The weight of Yuu's arm found his shoulder, supporting it. He knew he had to say it, recount the horrors that were less awful than the ones his roommate had lived through. So he took a deep breath and wished on whatever star happened to be falling at the moment that Yuu wouldn't hate him for being traumatized too. "I was thinking about the waterfall." That disgusting, stinking waterfall. Damn it to hell.

The dark-haired boy grunted. "You mentioned it in one of your nightmares. I remembered it because it didn't seem to match the other things you were yelling about."

With a pensive nod, Lavi continued. He explained how he and Bookman had come to be at that wretched place, how each side had massacred the other, how the dead had been so unceremoniously desposed of. Gradually, the other boy had come closer to him, and that warm arm around him became a cool, firm body pressed to his own.

"I just keep waiting for him to come back, you know? To finish me off. I'm... really scared." There. He'd admitted it.

"I won't let him near you," Yuu said quietly, but his tone left absolutely no room for debate. "I promise I'll protect you."

Silence fell, neither of them knowing what to say after such a bold statement, but Lavi nodded. There was a glint in Yuu's eye that made it really easy to believe that statement. Lavi wasn't really sure if Yuu would be strong enough to take on his former master, but he did know that the other boy would probably go down trying, if nothing else. So he left the situation alone--there would be time to release him from this fool's promise later--and decided to change that subject. The waterfalls were still there, superimposed over newly expanded vision.

"Anyway, you're probably wondering why I had the eye patch in the first place." Anything to get his mind off of the waterfalls and the devastation and the blood-red river. Like the Red Sea. Only he wasn't Moses and sure as hell couldn't part it.

"The thought had crossed my mind." Coaxed easily from the silence, Yuu looked much more interested than he was trying to let on, but Lavi could tell just from the set of his eyes and mouth that his roommate was now hanging on his every word.

"When I was seven," he began, raising his arms melodramatically, "I took a piece of shrapnel to the eye. My left one--if you look, you can still kinda see the scar, but it's not that apparent anymore, yeah? Anyway, I took the piece of shrapnel to the eye, but it didn't do too much damage. I was blind for a little bit, but after a couple of months, I started getting vision back. It was really fuzzy at first, and it's still pretty bad, but Bookman decided to get me an eye patch to try to 'train' it to see better, I guess. I mean, it's nowhere near perfect, but it's been getting steadily better. My right eye's probably atrophied anyway. I should probably get my vision checked." He scratched his head by way of finishing.

"Ah."

It seemed Yuu didn't have a lot to say on the subject, so Lavi made a humming noise and hoped another topic would come up soon.

"I had bad vision, too," the other boy said softly. Lavi looked back at his roommate, surprised to note that they were still discussing eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I was in the dark for so long..." Yuu's voice was anything but nostalgic, but it had a soft, remembering quality to it, like the trauma of his youth was flashing before him. "When I was first in the light, I just remember everything being really blinding." Lavi slipped his hand back into his friend's, and the boy continued on with a tiny shudder (whether good or bad, Lavi didn't know). "After a while, I got used to it. I remember waking up briefly on the way to the hospital when I got really hurt that one time, and everything was really, really... indistinct. Like I was seeing thing through a frosted glass or something. But then when I woke up again, everything was clear. I think the Lotus is helping me out."

The redhead nodded gravely. "That's possible," he muttered. "I really don't know anything about it. If you know the doctor's name, maybe I could look him up--you mentioned that he was the one who gave the Lotus to you, right?" His roommate nodded. "Okay, well, if I can find him, maybe we can find out exactly what it does?"

"It keeps me addicted," Yuu said quietly. Lavi looked up and met the other boy's eyes. For the first time, he noticed just how long-lashed they were. He also noticed how sorrowful the boy's eyes seemed to be. Like there was no end to his suffering. "I don't know what all they gave to me, and the worst of it has faded with time, but no matter how hard I try to quit, I can't get off Vicodin. It's like it's trying to keep me in one constant state. The first constant state it knew me in was addicted to drugs. But always being constant and unchanging--I think that's why I went through puberty so late."

"Oh yeah, you mentioned--or was it Lenalee?"**

"Doesn't matter," Yuu grunted. "It was painful as hell. One day, all my muscles just seized up, and next thing I knew, I was growing. It was _painful_. That's how I got on Vicodin in the first place. The doctors kept me on it too long, and when they tried to get me off, I went into ridiculous withdrawal."

"Sounds... well, I don't really know how that sounds." Lavi grimaced.

"Imagine growing half a foot in a month."

Suddenly his grimace was a nearly comical expression of horror. "Growth pains?"

"Now imagine growing half a foot in less than a week."

The look of utter terror on Lavi's face became even more pronounced. "Is that even possible?"

"Well, I'm this tall, aren't I? _Che_ , you're such an idiot."

"I'm pretty sure that's not possible, Yuu."

"Well, it happened."

"But--"

"Just shut up. Idiots shouldn't speak."

Lavi pouted.

During the silence, a soft knock came at the door.

"'Scuse me..." a tiny voice said, muffled a little by the wood. She stepped out from behind the door, and Lavi very nearly choked. Lizzie had always been fairly pale, which she had often complained about, as her brown hair was just a little too dark, but now she was covered in deep purple bruises. Both of her eyes were swollen and black, and her nose showed signs of recent trauma. It looked flattened, and blood still seemed to be seeping from both nostrils. Tears pooled at her chin before falling to the ground.

Immediately, Yuu was up from the bed--easily having relinquished Lavi from his arm, not that the redhead would complain about that, given the new circumstances--and across the room. He ushered the girl in, closing and locking the door behind him. He led the unsteady girl over to Lavi's bed and set her down gently before examining her to see what else was wrong. After a few moments of poking and prodding, the dark-haired boy seemed content that nothing else was injured.

During the investigation, the redhead had limped over to the other side of the room and sat down next to the slightly shaking girl and patted her hand reassuringly.

"What happened, Lizzie?" Lavi asked quietly, calmly, trying not to startle her.

"He... he hurt me." The brunette sounded shocked, as if she had never thought this would happen.

Lavi only nodded and pulled her head so that it rested on his shoulder. Hopefully, it would make her feel better, though Lavi had never actually tried to comfort anyone before, so he really had no idea if it helped at all.

The redhead noticed his roommate steal quietly from the room and return a few minutes later with a washcloth. Lizzie hiccuped her thanks and cleaned off her face.

"He was just... a little angry, that's all." The brunette reasoned, though the rationalization fell on deaf ears; everyone in that room had heard the rumors--the bruises had become more and more frequent over the past few weeks, more difficult to hide, and they were all the more reason to believe. 

There was a distinctive scoff from across the room as Yuu searched for something to reduce the swelling.

The room returned to silence after another minute. Lavi didn't want to be the one to break it, seeing as whatever he said would probably be inappropriate for the situation. He looked over to Yuu to find him with his phone out, texting. Which didn't really seem useful, but then again, Yuu knew how to deal with this sort of incident.

The dark-haired boy tucked his phone into his pants pocket and strode over to the door, unlocking it, as if he was expecting someone. The echoing sounds of footsteps running through the halls signaled the guest's arrival. The door burst open, admitting a frantic-looking Jason, Lizzie's best friend and a member of the sword team with Yuu.

"Lizzie! There you are. Jesus Christ, what'd he do to you this time?!" He ran over to where the brunette was sitting, pushing Lavi out of the way, and pulling the battered girl into his arms.

"It's not anything, really; he just got upset. I'm fine. Really, I am," she said, trying not to sound like she was in pain, but the grimace was all too obvious.

"That's bullshit, Lizzie, and you know it. You and I both know he's hit you before and will keep doing it until it gets further out of control than it already is!" The boy shouted, leaning back so that he could look the girl in the face.

Lizzie's expression crumbled and tears started falling again.

"He isn't good for you; everyone knows what happened to his last girlfriend. None of us want to see that happen to you, too." Jason explained, and Lavi felt that that was his cue to nod in agreement. He noticed Yuu follow suit.

"I just thought he'd changed," she mumbled miserably into Jason's shirt.

"I know, I know, but sometimes people don't change; they just stay bad no matter how many wonderful people try and help them," the tawny-haired boy murmured softly, and he patted the back of her shirt.

"Yeah, I know that. I know that. I just can't believe that it happened. I'll break it off, I just... want to go back to my room and sleep. Help me back, Jay?"

The two left, Jason supporting her as she limped. Lavi wondered if Lizzie would finally take her friend's advice. He fervently hoped so.

\---

_November 14_

The next few days passed without much ado, and Lavi quickly fell back into the regular schedule. After apologizing to his professors and handing in his late work (all impeccably done, the former apprentice Bookman was proud to note), he'd promptly been assigned more, and after a small flurry of short papers, Lavi felt like he was actually a college student for once. He knew he was taking a crazy amount of classes, but due to his perfect memory, he never had to study, and he was rarely assigned written work, as he was in mostly language classes. What work he did have to do only took a few hours a day, and that could usually be done during the other classes he attended. It was a simple schedule: wake up, go to classes, do work for previous class in the next one, and then come home and do the last bit. Then he would fall asleep and do it all again.

The past few days had been different. He'd actually had to skip classes in order to finish all his assignments, and he wasn't pleased with the current (small) amount of sleep on which he was running.

In passing, Yuu had scoffed at him and told him he looked like a drug addict. Which was pretty rich, coming from someone who was addicted to Vicodin.

So after he had finally finished it all, sometime around midnight or so, he'd collapsed into bed and promptly closed his eyes. He proceeded to fall into a trance-like state, the one that usually precluded sleep, but a soft, hesitant knock, not unlike the one Lizzie had given a few days previously, crashed through it like cymbals.

He heard Yuu's quiet, long stride across the room, and the door squeaked loudly when it was opened. A mumbled curse in that low, smooth voice made it apparent that Yuu was trying to be as quiet as possible. That tiny fact pierced Lavi's heart like no other gesture could. The dark-haired boy cared very much about sleep, mostly because he got so little himself. It was a sign of great respect and trust that he was trying not to interrupt Lavi's. The redhead found he kind of liked it, just like he liked it when the boy called him an idiot while ruffling his hair, just like he liked it when the boy gave him a large carrot to munch on and called him an insufferable rabbit.

Apparently, for Yuu, insults were his way of showing his love. His actions always belied his words, and the redhead had come to understand that very keenly lately.

"Jay?" Yuu asked softly.

"Oh, were you asleep?" Came the whisper, just as quiet as Yuu's voice had been.

"No, Lavi is."

"Oh. Do you want me to go?"

"No, come in. What is it?"

"She broke up with him today."

Lavi assumed they were talking about Lizzie, which made sense, since Jason was here.

"Is she okay?"

"She's in the hospital. I _knew_ I should have gone with her!" Jason sounded a bit aggrieved, which was understandable. Lavi would have been the same way if it had been Yuu who had been in that situation.

"Relax, Jay, there's nothing you could've done that could have stopped that from happening."

"I know... it's just... it's kind of touch-and-go right now."

Lavi really wanted to open his eyes, but he knew he shouldn't interrupt this scene. Obviously, the two boys were at least somewhat friendly with each other, and he wouldn't ruin Yuu's chance at having another person close to him.

"You okay?" But he wasn't really sure if he liked how concerned Yuu sounded.

"Yeah... I think. Yuu, I--I really don't know what I'll do if she--" Jason's voice caught on the last word, and something that sounded suspiciously like a sob hurled through whatever was left of Lavi's comfortable, warm little bubble of sleepiness. He was definitely intrigued now.

"Relax. I'm sure she'll be fine. That's a big bruise on your head, though." How could Yuu see in the dark? Was he a ninja? Oh, wait, his eyelids were stained an orange-ish red. At some point, someone had turned on the lamp. It must have been before he'd become this aware, back when he'd been trying to fall asleep.

"Yeah, he tried to see her in the hospital, but he knocked me out when I tried to keep him from her. The staff took him down." There was a small, heartless laugh. "I think they got him with some kind of tranquilizer. I'm pretty sure he's still out."

"Well, that's good."

There was a loud crash and a bit of loud swearing from both of the other boys. Lavi took that as his cue to wake up.

"Eh... what the fuck...?" He asked, feigning exhaustion. Opening his mouth wide, he waited for the yawn, which quickly took hold of him, causing his eyes to wrinkle and tear up while his vision narrowed.

"Sorry!" Jason yelled, bowing like he would to someone older. Of course, he was on the sword team with Yuu, so naturally he would treat the dark-haired boy as someone above him. Yuu could take down anyone. Since the first time he'd happened upon the practicing team, Lavi had come twice more. Each time, the dark-haired boy had beaten everyone except the old Asian coach when they sparred.

"It's fine--they were probably going bad anyway." Yuu's voice brought Lavi back to the here-and-now. The room was lit by only one lamp, and both the brunette boys were staring at a broken plate of chocolate chip cookies, which Yuu had received from Tiedoll while Lavi was in the hospital and had put, untouched, onto his desk so that "we won't be poisoned by the old man's _French_ cooking." Neither of them had eaten any, though not for lack of trying on Lavi's part. He still had a bruise from the last time Yuu had smacked his hand away.

"But still... the plate--"

"--Is cheap and plastic. Don't worry about it. My foster father is Froi Tiedoll. I think he can afford to replace it."

Jason nodded and reached over to pat Yuu on the shoulder. Lavi was surprised to see his roommate didn't flinch away from the touch. "Thanks, man," he said. "I'm a bit of a mess, sorry."

"It's no problem," Yuu said, briefly touching the hand on his shoulder before removing it. It wasn't a brush-off, but it still showed that the dark-haired boy had a long way to go. Still... progress was progress. "Go to your room and get some sleep."

With that, Yuu ushered the other boy out.

And then Lavi realized something horribly disturbing: Yuu was polite to his other friends.

Why did that make him feel jealous? Was it the politeness, or was it the other friends part? Either way, that weird, roaring feeling in his heart wouldn't go away.


	14. Leave Out All The Rest

Chapter 14--Leave Out All The Rest

__"Few people have the imagination for reality."

\---Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

_November 25_

"Nooooo, don't gooooo!" Lavi half-yelled, half-whined, latching on to Yuu's leg and allowing himself to be dragged across the room with every stride the other boy took.

"Let go, you stupid leech! And stop _clinging!_ " Yuu looked angry, but the redhead would not fail in this endeavor.

"But I don't wanna be aloooone!" He wailed.

"And that's why you're going to stay with Lenalee at her Sorority house, or did you forget?"

"But you could come toooo! Why do you have to go away?"

"Because I, unlike you, am involved in a club, and said club has an away meet over Thanksgiving weekend at Penn," Yuu explained, shaking his leg in a futile attempt to get the redhead off. Inwardly, Lavi praised himself for his persistence.

"B-b-but... Yuu-chan, don't you love me and wanna be with me forever?" He asked pitifully.

" _No_. When the hell did I ever say that? Now get off. Seriously. You're bothering me." There was a serious glint to the dark-haired boy's eye, so Lavi let go and sniveled into the small rug that traveled from his bedside to the door.

"Sorry, Yuu," he said softly, but he was pretty sure his voice was almost completely muffled by his fetal position on the ground.

"Oi, it's only half a week. It won't kill you to be away from me."

They both ignored the fact that it very well could. Yuu had promised to protect Lavi, but even if it was only for a little while, being apart made the younger boy a bit antsy, like Bookman could show up and finish him off at any moment. Still, if the Japanese boy trusted his adopted sister enough to watch over him in his stead, Lavi was sure that he could, too.

"But I'll miiiiiss yoooouuu!" The redhead declared tearfully.

"Get over it."

And with that, the older boy grabbed his duffel bag and departed. For a while, Lavi sat and thought. He thought about what it would be like if he had never met Bookman. A scene gradually unfolded before him: the cops had found him instead. When Mae came outside to check on him, she, too, was found, and she ended up leading the cops to Michael and Gavin. The two of them had been adopted together by a nice couple, and they had continued to grow up together. Lavi would have met Yuu under completely different circumstances. Maybe the other boy would have trusted him sooner. Maybe--and he only barely let himself imagine it because the emotions were still so new and hard to comprehend--they would have ended up as a couple. He would have brought Yuu home to meet his family. His family would have loved the Japanese boy.

A wet spot appeared on the carpet in front of him. He hadn't even realized he was crying until the first tear had fallen from his eye. Another one followed it, but after that, Lavi tried his best to stifle them. He wiped at his eyes furiously, and eventually, the hard lump in his throat disappeared.

It was so unfair. For both him and Yuu, it was just so unfair. Why had life been so hard for them? Why did he have to remember all those horrible things, and why did Yuu have to be hurt beyond hope for complete recovery? Why did they both have to be so broken, so alone?

Why, oh God, _why_ did he have to be falling in love with his roommate?

Because that was definitely what it was. He really was lonely already. Every time he was with Yuu, he just felt _at ease_. He felt like he could be himself and not be penalized. And he really just wanted to kiss the boy. Not to mention that he was insanely jealous of the budding friendship between his roommate and Jason. Supposedly, that was all it was, but Lavi couldn't help but think that the brunette from down the hall was some kind of _competition_. Whether it was just for Yuu's attention or also for his affection, Lavi didn't know, but he did know that he hated not being around the dark-haired boy.

Not in a creepy stalker way. He knew he was being a bit dependent at the moment, but there were so many insecurities running through his head that what he really needed was an anchor. Yuu provided relief for that need, even if he wasn't the most stable of people to lean on, and Lavi was able to relax a little bit in the other's presence as he finally found himself.

Who he was and what he wanted had never before been big questions in his mind, so the redhead found it very difficult to find the answers. Of course, he assumed normal people didn't know the answers to those kinds of questions either, but after so long without any stable identity, he wanted one of his own, one that he wouldn't take for granted.

"Hey, Lavi." A hand landed on his shoulder, startling him enough for him to jump a good two inches into the air, like a flying worm or something equally ridiculous. Vaguely, Lavi wondered if there was actually such a thing as a flying worm.

As usual, Lenalee had barged in, and she came to his side and petted his back as he composed himself.

"Hey, it's okay, Love. Don't worry, I won't tell Yuu-kun about this."

As if that mattered. Lavi didn't care if Yuu saw him crying--the Japanese boy had already seen that enough times to never forget the image. But he appreciated Lenalee's gesture nonetheless. It showed a surprising amount of solidarity between them. The redhead realized, probably for the first time, that he considered the Chinese girl as a dear friend. He didn't know how exactly that had happened. It could have been when she'd come round two weeks ago and beat Yuu up with a panda stuffed animal for "doing naughty things to poor, innocent Lavi while he was drunk!" It could also have been when she'd forced her way into their dorm so that she could tell Lavi to take Chemistry 101 (taught by her brother) with her, just so that she'd have someone to be lab partners with. The redhead had accepted the offer. He wasn't taking many classes next semester, as he still wasn't sure what he was going to do with his life yet. Plus, he needed to get his general education requirements out of the way.

It could also have been when she had sexted him by accident and then sent a quick "oopsie, that was supposed to be for Allen!" text afterward. It struck Lavi as odd that the white-haired bean sprout still didn't understand that Lenalee was trying to come on to him.

"Okie dokie." Lavi let the girl beside him pull him up and hand him his crutches, using the time to make sure he was composed enough not to cry again. He really didn't like the feelings he got when he did so, nor did he enjoy how clogged his sinuses became.

In a whirl of strange laughter and light-hearted jokes, Lenalee sped around the room and packed up the "essentials." Apparently, Lavi noticed, that included his toothbrush, a can of Axe deodorant from Yuu's closet, the neon shot glasses they'd won at a party the previous weekend, and a pink tutu (which he had no recollection of ever owning).

"Lavi, this is no good," she said while rifling through his underwear drawer. "Briefs lower sperm count! I know you don't really need a high sperm count, but you know, if you run out of lube, you could always use that, so it's always best to be prepared. We're going out this weekend and getting you some proper boxers, okay?"

"Um... okay," he agreed hesitantly. He didn't really care about his underwear. It wasn't like he planned on letting anybody see it.

"OH MY GOD, WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL YOUR CLOTHES!?"

"Eh! I'm missing some?" Alarmed, Lavi ran over to his friend's side, only to find his dresser exactly as he had left it: five shirts, each a different color, two pairs of jeans and a pair of khakis, three sweatshirts, and the two frilly, silken dress shirts he'd borrowed from Jason at the beginning of the semester. "No, I'm not."

"WHAT!? That's ALL you own!? Jesus Christ, man, get some clothes! I'm taking you shopping ASAP."

Thus began a shopping trip of such epic proportions that by the time they reached her Sorority house, it was nearly eleven o'clock at night.

With a sigh, Lavi dropped onto Lenalee's bed. The trip had been productive but tiring, resulting in the purchase of four more pairs of jeans (one of which had bedazzled pockets; that pair came from the girls' section and made his ass look great, according to Lenalee).

"Do you miss him?" Lenalee asked, sitting down next to him. Curling his legs up to his chest, Lavi nodded.

"It's really weird, but my chest feels all tight and _wrong_ ," he tried to explain.

"Wrong how?"

"I... don't know." He let his forehead fall onto his knees in his shame. It sort of hurt, but it was nothing in comparison to everything else he'd already been through today (including a disastrous attempt to zip Lavi into a pair of pants two sizes too small, an act his body was still not pleased with), so he decided to just let it go.

A slim arm came around his shoulder, and he fell sideways until his cheek was acquainted with Lenalee's left breast.

"Think you could describe it to me?" The Chinese girl's voice was sweet and soft, like the silky smooth press of satin to the skin. It was inviting, and even though he had absolutely no idea what to say, Lavi began to speak.

"It's like... rawr!" He clawed his hands at his chest in an attempt to make Lenalee understand. When the girl just nodded thoughtfully, he continued, "...Like a million little people want to claw their way out."

"Well, when do you feel like that?"

"What do you mean?" Confusion was like a foggy haze around him, and he had no idea how to answer her question.

"Like, are the little people always trying to rip up your chest or do they only come at certain times?"

"They go away every once in a while, but they've been back since Yuu left." Lavi turned his face so that he could bury it into Lenalee's side. He hated not being able to understand his own emotions.

"Are you sad he's not with you?" The girl questioned, and Lavi nodded in response, jiggling her breast a little bit as a result. "Are you maybe angry that he left?" Lenalee shifted so that she was sitting completely on the bed, facing the redhead. Lavi let his head fall into her chest again, and she held him there, half-cuddling him. For the first time in his life, Lavi thanked his lucky stars that girls had soft, squishy bodies. They were much more comfortable to lean on. He remembered one time he'd huddled into Yuu's chest. It had been flat and rock solid, due to all the muscle. It wasn't that Lavi didn't find that utterly attractive, it was just that he had kind of been hoping for something a little more... _supple_ to rest his head on. Yuu, being a well-muscled man, felt kind of like that old, nasty mattress that you couldn't wait to get rid of, while Lenalee--and more broadly, the female population in general--felt like the mattress you would want to buy to replace said old, nasty mattress, that cushy one with the memory foam pad on top. "Are you angry he's with other people?"

Again, the redhead nodded.

"Do you want him to be with you instead?"

Lavi whined into his friend's bosom. "Yes..."

"Sounds to me like you're just jealous, then," the girl diagnosed simply.

"Well, I know I'm jealous, but this feels a bit... different."

Lenalee shook her head. "No, I don't think so. I think you're just upset that Yuu's making more friends and is starting to hang with other people besides you. You're used to having him all to yourself, so you don't want to share, do you?"

"Uh-uh," he said, burying his face farther into her chest. It was getting a bit difficult to breathe, but he'd take his chances with asphyxiation if he could disappear already. Everything Lenalee said was true; he hated that Yuu had other people to rely on now, and moreover, he was upset that he couldn't achieve the same thing. Sure, he liked Lizzie and Jason and the other people in their dorm well enough, but when it came down to trusting them with anything deeper than acquaintanceship, Lavi started to get a bit antsy. It was very hard to open up to people when the entire objective of his life since he was six was to shut everyone away. For fifteen years, everything he'd come across had just been ink on paper, and that mindset would not desert him now, even if he was technically no longer a Bookman's apprentice.

Yuu, on the other hand, was healing more and more every day. His smile was becoming very common, his laugh an occurrence that happened several times a week. Happiness was finally setting itself into Yuu's body, and it was leaving Lavi alone in the dust. In a way, the Japanese boy had become a shining beacon so far ahead of Lavi that he could never quite catch up anymore.

There were times that Lavi wanted to cry. His training wouldn't let him, but he wanted it nonetheless, and it was becoming harder and harder to betray what he'd known for so long. He wanted to break free of it all, but he was held fast, like a fly caught in a spider's web.

"But don't you think that's kind of not fair?" The voice of reason, somehow, seemed to hurt. Lavi didn't have a response. They fell into an uneasy silence for a while, with Lenalee patting his back until he had to emerge from her chest for breath.

"Life isn't fair," he said softly.

No, it wasn't.

His parents had died, he'd lost his sister, and he'd become a Bookman--all things he hadn't wanted, all things that were, technically, his own fault. He'd killed off his parents, and the second two happened because he'd been too weak to fight off illness. After all, hadn't he only become the old man's apprentice because he was thankful for being saved and because he had figured at the time that it was the only thing he could do to repay Panda?

"No, it's not," Lenalee agreed, her voice just as quiet. It was like a gentle spring breeze, revitalizing him with just its presence. Yes, that was it. Lenalee was like Yuu, but where the Japanese man was hot, the Chinese girl was merely warm. Lenalee was spring; Yuu was summer. Both important to him, both essential to his being, just like Bookman was winter and Mae autumn. Each season, each imperative individual, was vital to him, represented some growth in him that he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to recognize. Mae was his youth, his innocence and his purity. Bookman was his experience, his harsh memories. Lenalee was the warm, compassionate breeze that thawed the bitterness that winter had given him. And Yuu--his precious friend, his Yuu--was the oven that blazed away everything else until it was just them, just him and his dark-haired chef, together in a world where pain didn't have to exist. Yuu was his summer, his heat, his livelihood.

Lavi didn't know what love truly felt like, but he did know that he had hopelessly fallen for his best friend and that he was likely to keep down that path until he could be absolutely certain of the emotion.

"But you know," the Chinese girl continued, and it struck Lavi that not much time had passed between his epiphany-ridden reverie and what the girl had said just a moment ago, "if it were, I don't think I'd be half the person I am today. You know, Komui raised me after our parents died. He supported me even as he went through school, and now he's teaching chemistry here while striving toward his doctorate. His work ethic inspired me to be as strong as I am now. It's the same for you, I think."

"Eh?"

"Well, you've been through a lot of bad things. Yuu-kun says you scream in your sleep every once in a while. But aren't you pretty strong now because of that?"

"I'm not," he muttered.

"Of course you are. You're just going through a bit of an identity crisis right now, are you not?"

Damn Lenalee for always being right. It was hard not to be vulnerable when his entire world had just crumbled away below his feet. He was still him, right? He could still be him, right?

Right?

But who was "him"?

"Who am I, Lenalee?" He asked, and he earnestly wanted to know the answer. Maybe he was what others saw.

"You are Lavi. You annoy people for the fun of it--and don't go saying it's just your persona, you know you like bothering Yuu-kun--and you do stupid things to get the people around you to laugh and be happy. You really like languages. You have a sharp tongue and a keen memory. And you're really smart. Like, genius smart. You even beat Yuu-kun, and he's no slouch. I bet you even beat Daisya, and he's off the spectrum!" Lenalee sounded a little proud of him, so he couldn't help but smile. If this was what the dark-haired girl thought of him, he was okay with that.

\---

_November 26_

"What do you mean, 'we've broken down?'" The coach was yelling at the bus driver. They'd been pulled over to the side of the highway for about thirty minutes and were still fifteen miles from any form of civilization. It was not going to be a good day. It was beginning to look like they wouldn't get back to the hotel any time soon.

The driver and the coach began to exchange expletives after a while, and after a few 'your mothers' and some 'why the hell should I know? I'm not the bus driver', the door to the bus opened and they were soon driverless.

Yuu leaned into the aisle, trying to decide whether the walk was worth the risk of being alone at night on a lonely stretch of Pennsylvania highway. _Well_ , he thought _, at least I have Mugen_. So with that, he walked up the line of seats and impatient students and ran after the driver. He just hoped he was going in the right direction.

He'd made it only a few yards away from the bus when he heard someone following him. He turned around and saw Jason approaching. The boy smiled and had soon matched Yuu's pace.

"The others decided that since you're pretty, I should be sacrificed for your protection," the brown-haired boy joked, swinging an arm casually over the shorter boy's shoulders.

Yuu lightly extracted himself from Jason's grasp.

"I can take care of myself," The Japanese boy stated.

"But it's dark, you could be mistaken for a girl and get picked up by some perverts or something!" The boy bantered back.

"I have Mugen," Yuu replied matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, but they could have guns!"

"And I have Mugen."

"Well yeah, but Mugen's only so long and guns can reach a whole lot farther," Jason countered, but Yuu was already prepared in his response.

"You missed the part where I said I could defend myself."

"Not against long-range weapons!" The boy shouted throwing his arms up into the air.

"Who would be carrying a rifle in their car?" Yuu asked confused.

"I don't know! This is Pennsylvania, there could be some crazy Kentuckian coming up for a vacation hunting trip!" Jason reasoned.

"And the chances of that are?"

"Hey, all I'm sayin' is that they put me on guard duty; can you deal with that?"

"No," Yuu answered and picked up his pace. Where was the driver, anyway?

"Hey, Yuu, wait up!" He heard his teammate call out from a few paces behind. Reluctantly, Yuu slowed down, unwilling to have to be watching in front and behind to make sure nothing came out of the woods and tried to eat his friend.

It was weird thinking of the tall boy as his friend, he was so unused to having to interact with people that it came as a shock how easy it was to be civil enough to form attachments. Though the prospect still frightened him slightly, as did having the boy at his back, not that he'd ever show any of that unease.

They walked along the side of the highway for what might have been a few miles, with no sign of the bus driver in sight. Yuu wondered if perhaps the man had called himself a cab and had left them completely, because there was no way that old man could have outpaced them.

"So, Yuu, Lizzie's been wondering about you and Lavi." Jason started, in that "my friend wanted to know, but it is actually me who is more curious" tone of voice.

The dark-haired boy turned slightly to face his inquirer. " _Che_. None of your business."

"So, then, you two are?" Jason continued undeterred.

Yuu scowled. "Are _what_?"

"Well, you know, _together_?" He said it quietly, as if he thought they were going to be overheard.

Yuu rolled his eyes and shook his head. "No, we aren't." And no, that wasn't a note of disappointment in his tone.

"Really? I mean, he's the only one you're even remotely close to, and, I mean, the way he hangs off of you. I--I mean, _Lizzie_ \--just assumed." Jason corrected his slip a bit too late for Yuu not to notice.

"Didn't your mother tell you not to assume things about other people?"

"Well didn't yours ever tell you that if you kept making that face, it'll stick that way?"

"No, now shut the fuck up." With that, Yuu kept walking, thinking that it might have been better to turn around and call a tow truck.

"But it's true, y'know? The way he is really clingy, especially after he got mugged." Yuu had told Jason and Lizzie that the redhead had been assaulted coming back from the library. It seemed like the only plausible excuse.

Yuu just hadn't thought of an excuse about why Lavi was always around him now. He didn't really feel like coming up with an excuse at the moment, so he just pretended that no response was needed on this train of thought.

The two boys continued on their trek in silence. There weren't even any cars on the small, two-lane highway to brighten the dark road.

"But you do like him, don't you?" God the boy was persistent.

"Who are you, Lenalee? Or is Lizzie forcing you to give me the third degree?" Yuu growled, not wanting the brown-haired boy to delve any deeper into his personal life.

"So you do!" And for once, Yuu was thankful for the dark road so that his companion would not be able to see his blush.

"Your silence speaks volumes, _Senpai_." Yuu could hear the laughter in his voice.

"Not that I have a problem with it, I mean, my best friend in high school was gay and then he humped me and all was not so cool, but that's beside the point."

"It's your fault for being so damn metrosexual," Yuu chuckled, wishing he could see Jason's face.

"Just because I wore a trenchcoat to school does not make me gay! What, are _you_ attracted to me?" A passing car lit up the taller boy's face. He was winking and making a rather girlish looking kissy face.

Yuu pushed him into the street.

"Hey, you bastard! Why can't you take a joke?" Jason called as he ran back to safety, "I mean, its taking a lot for me not to ask what happened to you, being a psych major and all, but seriously, if you don't want people to ask, you could try being a little nicer."

Yuu paused for a moment, letting his teammate catch up. Perhaps if he just didn't answer, the younger boy would drop the subject.

"You know, keeping silent isn't going to make me any less curious," Jason said casually, jamming his hands into his pockets.

"And you asking isn't going to make me tell you," the dark-haired boy said in return. "Couldn't it be that I really am just a bastard, no reason for it except that it's just the way I am?"

"Well, that could be the case, but seeing as you seem to have an unreasonable fear of contact of any sort, whether it be an unanticipated pat on the back, a hug, or any other type of social contact, you squirm away from it as if it burns. You do it to everyone--Lenalee and Lavi to a lesser extent, but you still do it. That isn't a normal response. It's something that's been ingrained into your personality through some sort of experience, and perhaps if you told me then I'd be able to help, or at least know what not to do."

"I already know you won't do what I don't want you to, so it doesn't matter," Yuu stated, angry that this boy thought he could help, when he really didn't want to know and would regret discovering it the instant that he found out.

"Come on, Yuu, maybe if you tell me it won't hurt so much, and then you'd be able to heal."

They had stopped moving. When? Yuu had no idea, but it wasn't a good idea that they had, because if Jason kept asking questions like this, it wasn't going to end well for either of them. His hands were beginning to shake slightly and he really didn't want to have a minor breakdown on an unpopulated stretch of highway with someone he still didn't trust completely.

"You don't know what you're talking about, Jay, just drop it," Yuu warned, not wanting to take the risk the brown-haired boy wanted him to take.

"No! You know, sometimes you can be an arrogant ass, Yuu. Listen, I want to _help_." Perhaps it was the supreme earnestness in Jason's tone that set the older boy off.

"This isn't something you can _help_ with! I'm not your patient, and the last time I was at a psychiatrist, he insisted I enter a medical ward. Whatever _you_ say isn't going to make a difference. You think I haven't healed? Maybe I should show you some pictures from when I was younger--maybe then you'll see how much I've _improved_." It all came out as one large, hissing snarl, like his voice had been dipped into a vat of snake's venom. His chest heaved with the force of his words, and he found himself completely flustered.

"That's good--let your anger out," Jason said, smiling.

"Shut up, you damn brat!" Yuu screamed, unsheathing his sword and pointing it at his teammate's neck. The edges of his vision were tinting red, and he knew he'd lost all sense of control. This was bad. He knew what an attack felt like--he'd had them for so long now that perhaps it was inevitable that the faces swam into view. He screamed again, and turned his blade onto the memories, hacking at heads that could never be injured. How _dare_ Jason start prying like that! How _dare_ he bring up things that reminded him just how badly he'd been hurt! He just wanted to _forget_ , Goddammit!

He didn't even realize he'd been crying until Mugen was wrestled from his hands and he fell to his knees. His head was pressed into a warm chest, one that was not Lavi's or Lenalee's or Tiedoll's but that was still comfortable. Jason didn't say anything--perhaps he understood that Yuu would kill him if he opened his mouth again--he just stayed there and held Yuu's head to his chest. He didn't pat him like Lenalee always did, like Lavi had taken to doing, and he didn't run his hands through his hair (an action for which the punishment could only be death).

It didn't take him long to regain composure--just a few minutes. When he did, he quickly extracted himself from the other boy's steady grip and stood up. He picked up Mugen from off the ground, placing it back in its sheath. He didn't want Jason to think he was still going to kill him, because who was Yuu kidding, he didn't want to see anybody dead. Without another word to the taller boy, Yuu stalked off, thinking he saw the telltale sign of civilization, the lights of a gas station sign. Hopefully, he didn't still look like he'd been crying; that was the last thing he needed. The dark-haired boy didn't look back for his teammate.

Inside the small convenience store, Yuu looked around for anything that resembled an auto-parts section. He really wasn't good with cars or any type of transportation, so it was probably a good thing that he wasn't alone. He looked over as Jason walked up next to him, picked up a can of oil and walked to the counter.

"We just need oil; the engine overheated, simple fix," the boy remarked. "Hey, can someone give us a ride back to our bus? It's a damn far walk and it's the middle of the night."

Yuu wasn't really paying attention. The cashier phoned the cops, and as they waited for the cruiser to arrive, the Japanese boy sat out under the blinding light of the gas station parking lot. It was infuriating that he still lost control like that. He knew he had to stop it, but it just seemed like every time he told himself that, the farther off the goal seemed to be. His hands were still shaking, too, and that just made the guilt and the shame even more pronounced.

"Sorry I asked. You don't have to tell me. I just--I hate seeing my friends suffer and being unable to do anything about it."

He must've been pretty out of it, because he hadn't noticed Jason sit down next to him.

"Whatever," he mumbled, keeping his gaze fixed on the blacktop.

Maybe it was the silence that the vacant parking lot provided, but for some reason he was able to think pretty clearly, despite having just lost control. The thought came that perhaps Jason was right; he wasn't healing. He had made progress, and then somewhere along the way, he'd stalled, like their bus. Maybe he was so coherent because Lavi had shocked his system enough by making Yuu tell him what had happened that the redhead had kick-started Yuu's recovery, and the Japanese boy had just needed Jason's advice to keep the engine churning. And maybe if he told the younger boy what had happened then he could travel further down the highway of sanity and make it to his goal of "almost normal".

That sounded like a good idea, so he did. He didn't tell Jason everything, only the most important bits about his parents and the faces. Leaving out the Lotus was a given, too, but he still told his teammate what had happened, and that was the only thing that mattered.

Luckily, by the time the police officer arrived, Jason had been able to compose himself, just enough to keep the horrified expression off of his features and not enough to start asking questions. Which, in Yuu's book, was exactly where he needed to be.

When they arrived back at the bus, the bus driver had yet to make an appearance. The bus was oiled and they had a police escort to the University, and all the while Jason acted as if nothing had changed. It left the dark-haired boy with a deep-set feeling of not quite peace or contentment, but something close, and maybe that was what it felt like to heal.

\---

_November 29_

When he returned to the dorm, Yuu was greeted outside his door by an overenthusiastic Lenalee.

"Thank God you're back. Lavi was so... weepy," she said, sounding relieved. She took hold of his hands after a moment's hesitation that Yuu knew was specifically designed to let him decide whether or not he would allow the contact. Ever since talking to Jason, he'd been a little bit better. He still didn't trust much of the team, but he'd found that accidental touches didn't bother him as much. Of course, it could just be that he'd been dragged along by the other swordsmen so much that he'd simply become immune to simple contact. Perhaps, after a prolonged period without touching, he would revert.

He found he didn't care either way.

" _Che_. Your problem, not mine," he responded, looking away and fighting back something that may have turned into a chuckle. It was disconcerting--he didn't laugh, after all.

"Yuu-kun, don't be an ass," Lenalee warned, connecting their eyes with a fierce glare. The hair on the back of the Japanese boy's neck raised in response. No matter how resilient he was to the girl's other tactics, whenever Lenalee looked at him like that, he felt uneasy. Yuu sighed.

"What did he do?" He had a feeling he didn't really want to know, but humoring Lenalee was the best way to get out of situations such as this one.

"He tried to cook on Thanksgiving."

"So?" That was what the dark-haired boy said, but he knew just as well as Lenalee how insufferably abysmal Lavi's cooking was. He'd tried to "help out" over Fall Break and had ended up making a fool of himself by tripping over his own feet and falling face-first into the stove top. The boy's bangs were still a little singed.

"So... he was doing okay, mostly thanks to my Sisters, but then he... well... he started getting all emotional about how it was his first Thanksgiving. And then his eyes got really wide and he ran upstairs and hid for the rest of the day. He wouldn't even take dinner. I think Bookman may have been about. So to cheer him up, we gave him a shot--or four--of tequila, and he just started _sobbing_ on us all, wailing about how he wanted his 'Yuu-chan t'come home'n be wif me!'" Lenalee broke off and looked away, shaking her head. Yuu knew her well enough to see the small smile she was hiding.

He sighed again. "I'll take care of it." He tried to make himself sound as resigned to his fate as possible, just in case the idiot rabbit was listening. He couldn't let his reputation fall, after all. It would be disastrous for his social image. Not that he really cared what others thought. But still, the fact remained that he didn't want the redhead to know that maybe, just maybe, he'd been waiting to come back home.

Stupid rabbits.

Entering the room, he was so surprised that he almost reeled backward into Lenalee. Lavi was perched like a bird at the window and had his arm outstretched, warning Yuu to stay where he was. The other boy's eyes were calculating, scanning the room with an efficiency Yuu could never hope to match. He stayed in that position for a good twenty minutes before he finally beckoned his roommate and their visitor in.

"Someone's been here--probably Bookman, as some of the differences are so trivial that they could've been figments of my imagination. Yuu, check your drawer."

Immediately, the dark-haired boy rushed over to the drawer that held his Lotus. He pulled it open gently, so as not to disturb any of the contents. But there was no need.

His Lotus was gone.


	15. Don't Walk Away

Chapter 15--Don't Walk Away

__Life is a foreign language: all men mispronounce it.

\---Christopher Morley, _Thunder on the Left_

_November 29_

Yuu closed the drawer that had once housed his Lotus. Turning slowly away from his desk, he saw that both Lenalee and Lavi were watching him with expressions that ranged from concern to unease. The dark-haired boy didn't know how to react. He was beyond surprised, but he found that he wasn't nervous, which, he assumed, was supposed to be the proper emotion under these circumstances. Instead, he felt completely at ease, as if the fact that his Lotus had been stolen was merely a trivial matter, like the theft of a bouquet of paper flowers from a child's dollhouse. 

Maybe his brain was just too far gone to give a shit anymore. The absence of his Lotus would only lessen the reality of what had happened. Just one less reminder of a blurry, scarless trauma that seemed more like a waking nightmare than an actual event anymore. 

Someone cleared their throat. He was too stunned to properly hear who. A hand fell onto his shoulder, and it jarred him from whatever stupor had taken hold of his brain. His eyes met two slightly bloodshot green ones. 

"Yuu?" The redhead's voice asked hoarsely, as if he was trying to control the volume of his speech. Trying not to set him over the edge, being careful with him, just like Jason had been doing since he'd found out, just like everyone else was. It was annoying, but less so with Lavi. 

"There's nothing we can do, we'll just have to wait and see when he returns it. He won't be able to do anything to it that I haven't already tried, so there shouldn't be anything to worry about," the dark-haired boy reasoned. And it was true; he'd tried just about everything to leave a mark on the flower, even setting a lighter to it, but nothing had phased the plant. He wouldn't tell the rabbit that the fire had hurt him instead, just as all previous attempts to destroy the flower had. Not that there was any evidence of that either, seeing as the marks disappeared as soon as they'd been made. 

Moving away from his desk, Yuu sat down on his bed and began to unpack his belongings from his trip. He'd even given in to Lenalee's pressure and purchased her a souvenir. She squealed excitedly and hugged him. But the horrors didn't end there; she then explained her next plan, in detail, of how she was going to "capture" Allen. Lavi joined him on his bed to watch her flit around the room in a grand demonstration. 

"--And then I'll take my new Penn State sweatshirt off and watch as Allen's face turns bright red!" She exclaimed happily, throwing her arms in the air in a "ta-da" manner. 

"Why, pray tell," Yuu began dryly, "will his face turn red?" 

"Because I won't be wearing anything under it! Weren't you listening, Yuu-kun?" 

Yuu had not, in fact, been listening, because he had been distracted by a strange bunny-esque phenomenon caused by Lavi's nose. Wiggle, wiggle, sniff, sniff, it was all very engrossing. Besides, Lenalee had regaled him with this tale several times when she had asked for the sweatshirt. He didn't think it would work. _Moyashi_ s just didn't bend that way. Nor, he thought, did Lenalees, though he didn't want to test that theory. He had had enough after that one drunken... encounter. He shuddered inwardly. Stupid New Years parties and their awkward, accidental "oh, Yuu-kun, I didn't see you there!" lip bumps didn't need to be thought about. They were almost as bad as croquet. 

"You weren't listening, _were_ you?" Lenalee accused, her cheeks puffing out in indignation. 

" _Che_."

He was fully expecting the blow that hit him upside the head.

"That's just mean, Yuu-kun!" A second and third whap followed the first. He took them with all the grace of a proper swordsman, not even giving the incensed girl the satisfaction of a reaction. Well, that wasn't precisely true--he smirked lightly, an expression he knew Lenalee was too angry to see. He retaliated by pulling her closer, twisting her swiftly around, and utilizing a move Marie had taught him years ago to "keep Tiedoll at bay."

" _Ne_ , guys, the, uh, R.A. is in the doorway..." Lavi interrupted meekly, as if afraid to cut between what was obviously a sibling fight. He had been rather quiet in the past few minutes, staring almost bemusedly at Lenalee as she'd described her "perfect plan." It disturbed Yuu a bit to see the normally rambunctious redhead unable to even raise his voice in his usual annoying manner. It was almost like he was trying to apologize on his former Master's behalf, like he was hoping that any solemnity on his part would be seen as respectful repentance.

But it didn't really matter, as the poor Residents' Assistant was staring, shocked, at the headlock Yuu was now holding Lenalee in. It was a pity it had never been successful on Tiedoll, mostly because the man was much, much larger than Yuu could ever hope to be, but it worked like a charm on the Chinese girl. The long-haired boy cleared his throat and dropped his burden, who swiftly hit the floor. He tried his best to ignore the betrayed look she shot him. He knew she didn't really mean it. Much.

"Uh, hi," began the R.A. a little more tremulously than was probably necessary. "Is everything alright in here?" 

It was at that point that Yuu realized the door was still open. 

"Yeah, everything's fine here," Lavi replied cheerily, "just a little brother-sister rough-housing." 

The R.A. looked a bit skeptical but shrugged and left, closing the door behind him. 

Lenalee pouted on the floor for a few more minutes before picking herself up and excusing herself. She had an Allen to harass, after all, and couldn't be delayed. Yuu thought it was just her excuse to get away; she was most likely bored with them by now. Either that or she had some hidden agenda, which Yuu really didn't want to know about anyway because it was probably involving him and would thus lead to him finding out in some horribly embarrassing way anyway, so he would like to postpone that for as long as possible. 

After Lenalee had vacated the room, the dark-haired boy returned to his seat on his bed. 

There was a small moment of silence that passed between the two remaining occupants. The red-haired boy shifted awkwardly from side to side, his hands fidgeting slightly in some mysterious anxiety. 

"So, Yuu, how was your break?" Lavi asked after a few minutes, gaze fixed out the window. 

The dark-haired boy shrugged. It was a nice, passive, unemotional response. It also had the advantage of making Lavi look at him to ascertain his answer. 

"Yours?" It was considered socially acceptable to ask in response, but the question felt stilted on his tongue, awkward and underused. It also felt genuine, seeing as he had never asked it before and actually cared about the answer that he received. 

"Fine." The redhead's response hadn't been what Yuu had expected. He had thought he'd get a bemoaned expression and a whiny, tearful plea for a hug because he had been so lonely and had missed his "Yuu-chan." 

But instead, he had gotten "fine." What did that even _mean_? Was it one of those "oh, I just had so much fun with Lenalee and the girls, and we sat around every night singing _Kumbaya_ and doing each other's nails" _fine_ s, or was it one of those "I had an awful time, but I don't really want you to know because Lenalee is your sister and you'd be offended if I trash-talked her" _fine_ s? Or maybe it was something else entirely; maybe Lavi was hiding some kind of attempt on his life by Bookman. Yuu had been really stupid to leave him, then. How could he have been so ignorant? He'd promised Lavi that he would protect the idiot, and just by going on his stupid trip with the sword team, he'd broken that promise.

And Yuu didn't break his promises.

Not ever.

When the dark-haired boy hugged him, the rabbit jumped in what Yuu hoped was only surprise.

"Yuu?" The boy asked tentatively, as if hesitant to speak at all. The Japanese boy grunted in acknowledgment. Apparently, that wasn't what the redhead wanted, though, for he tugged lightly on Yuu's t-shirt until the older boy looked at him.

He didn't know how to form his apology. He took a deep breath anyway and forced the words past his tightening throat. He'd never really said he was sorry before, not truly, and he was surprised to note that he didn't want to mess it up.

"I'm sorry." Generic. It worked.

The redhead blinked. "For what?" He asked. The words seemed kind of far away.

 _Not being there_. But his tongue was sloppy and got all tied up around the English, making it sound something more like a strangled moan. He clenched his eyes shut, a blush rising on his cheeks, cursing the language that was sometimes very difficult to speak. It didn't follow the simple, angular consonant-vowel pattern of Japanese, and it tripped him up as much as learning a new recipe did. Like burning the Baked Alaska to a crisp, the language sometimes seemed... wrong.

Lavi understood, or seemed to understand, and was suddenly very, very close.

He had long eyelashes. Long, deep red eyelashes that just barely brushed at his cheeks when he blinked--slowly, so slowly.

The air seemed to shimmer like the surroundings of a propane grill.

There was a knock on the door. Perfectly timed, as always. Whatever weird, shoujo scene had been unfolding broke immediately, and before Yuu could open his mouth and attempt to say something in proper English again, Lavi invited their mystery guest in with a simple "it's open!"

It was Lizzie, who looked worse for wear. She sported a neck brace, and a deep blue sling covered the bulky cast that ran down the entirety of her arm. Yellow bruises hung under her eyes and on her cheeks, clashing with whatever tiny splotches of clear, peach-ish cream skin were left. Her hair was greasy and unkempt. But she smiled easily as she limped over to the bed.

"Hey, guys," she said, sounding quite chipper for someone who had just gotten beaten half to death. It reminded Yuu of when Lavi had first awoken after... the incident in the woods. Quelling the righteous, blood-boiling anger with sadistic images of his supreme revenge, Yuu returned her greeting. Lavi followed suit a moment later. "I just wanted to thank you guys for helping out me out with..." She trailed off, obviously unwilling to think about her abusive (hopefully) ex-boyfriend.

"No problem," Lavi said, smiling. It was a smile that Yuu had seen often; it wasn't quite genuine, but it wasn't fake, either, and it made the dark-haired boy wonder if Lavi was just trying too hard.

"Really, thank you," Lizzie stressed. There was a small, slightly awkward silence filled with lots of slightly awkward smiles. Yuu even attempted one himself. "Um, Jason and I wanted to get a group together to go to karaoke later in the week. We're paying."

"Sure," the redhead replied easily, accepting the invitation for them both. It was an action that might once have annoyed Yuu, but at this point, all he could feel was some muted form of gratitude. "Just let us know where and when, and we'll be there, 'kay?"

Lizzie nodded and then, mission completed, made an excuse to leave. Of course, seeing as she had mentioned that standing was painful, it might not have been an excuse at all. Yuu had known pain many times; he understood. The only difference between him and the brunette girl was that he welcomed the pain. Even now.

\---

_December 4_

There was no point in denying that he was excited. For the first time since he was six, Lavi had friends. He had a place he could sort of call home, and he had steady, delicious meals, usually cooked by his roommate. He couldn't deny that he was feeling happy. For the first time since Bookman had taken him in, he felt like he _belonged_. In Geology, he and Yuu scrawled notes to each other and passed them between their desks. Afterward, they walked home together, and the Japanese boy would make them lunch. When Lavi walked across the quad, it was not uncommon for him to get hailed by one or more of his many classmates.

And he was _allowed_ to enjoy it, bask under the attention and give away his smiles freely.

He shot one such smile across the room at Lizzie, who was looking quite chipper in a purple blouse and her now neon green cast. The day before last, Lavi had gotten annoyed at the general lack of color on Lizzie's cast and had proceeded to raid the art building until he'd found some nice paints and had decorated the cast accordingly.

They were at a small cafe in "downtown" Cambridge. The outside lights flickered a bit with age, but inside, it was cozy, with moderately bright lighting and a relaxed atmosphere. The couches and armchairs were exceedingly comfortable, and even his roommate, who was seated next to him on a faded red loveseat, couldn't look too grumpy.

The only thing that could make this moment even more perfect would be the presence of his twin. Over the past couple of weeks, he'd come to realize just how much he missed the girl, and though he didn't really like to dwell on it, there were times that Lavi keenly wished that he could know what she was doing at the moment, or if she liked squid, or if her favorite color was magenta. But most of all he wondered what she looked like now. He imagined a more feminine version of himself, perhaps with long, flowing curly (because she was Irish, too, right?) hair. Amusement dragged the corners of his mouth upward. Himself with breasts--it was kind of entertaining.

He valiantly fought down a loud guffaw when he thought of Yuu with breasts.

It should probably have disturbed him that he thought his roommate would look fabulous that way. Of course, he thought that Yuu would look fabulous _any_ way, but that was most definitely beside the point.

And speaking of Yuu, he was currently scooting over so that Jason could squish between them. Lavi frowned slightly, displeased. He had specifically chosen the loveseat because it was, well, a _loveseat_ , which usually meant that only _two_ people sat on it at a time. Jason's intrusion was both unacceptable and sacrilegious. Not that he had much against the guy, besides the fact that Yuu seemed interested in him. Which, yes, made him jealous.

Very jealous.

The past week had been somewhere between annoying and acutely torturous for him. Yuu had insisted on "hanging with some friends" and had left him all alone on Wednesday night. It wouldn't have been so bad if every footstep outside the door hadn't sounded like it could've been Bookman's distinctive shuffle. Every gust of wind had sounded like Bookman's shallow breaths, and each time the person in the room next to theirs bounced a tennis ball off their shared wall, Lavi had to force himself not to panic, because it _wasn't Bookman knocking_. Yuu had come back to a pile of shaking blankets that made little wimpery sounds every time the tennis ball hit.

Tuesday night had been just as bad, with Jason in their room, making merry comments and generally being annoying by sitting on Yuu's bed. Which, Lavi thought savagely for the millionth time, was _his_ spot. The two new "friends" had spent the afternoon joking around, and had even ended up roughhousing on the ground for a few minutes before Yuu's memories took over.

Then there had been the hug. The long, soulful man-hug that was not really a man-hug because there wasn't any back-patting involved. The hug that involved two bodies being very close together in some kind of nasty, arm-around-Yuu's-shoulders-being-all-comforting air. It was disgusting. Lavi didn't want to see it.

Already the two were talking like jolly good ol' buddies, as if Lavi didn't exist at all, and he scooched farther into the junction of the armrest and the back of the couch.

A new voice called out to them in greeting, and Lavi was distracted by it enough to tear his eyes away from the bleeding image that was his roommate and Jason. Lenalee, looking very sweet in pigtails held up by cute little baubles, was walking up, dragging a bewildered-looking Allen with her. It seemed like she'd invited the boy over for the weekend again. He was only a senior in high school, but he often made appearances at Lenalee's Sorority's parties, and so it wasn't that uncommon to see him about campus.

"Hey, guys," Lavi said once they were in range. Lenalee smiled happily at him and pushed Allen down in the nearby armchair and plopped herself down on top of him. The poor British boy let out an "oof" and grimaced. Lavi waited until Lenalee's attention had turned to his roommate and then smirked at Allen in an "I'm in a better position than you" manner. The white-haired boy stuck his tongue out at him. Lavi snickered quietly.

"So, have we started yet?" Lenalee asked loudly, obviously only speaking so as to facilitate the beginning of the so-called merry times.

"No, we were just about to," Lizzie shouted from across the room, smiling brightly. Through his burning jealousy over his roommate, Lavi decided that it was good to see that the brunette from down the hall was bouncing back with seeming ease. He hadn't been able to do the same--not really. Whenever Yuu was out, any happy thought could be randomly leeched from his body if he simply heard something the wrong way or thought the wrong thing. It was a delicate balance between debilitating paranoia and moderate sanity, and sometimes he felt like two different people, one of whom was trying very, very hard to stay alive; the other, he noted with some distress, was interested only in the one thing it seemed he could never have.

"Oh, good. Mind if I grab a coffee first?" The Chinese girl winked, and with his Bookman-trained eyes, Lavi watched her skirt swish just a little too high, revealing what looked suspiciously like a hip-flask. It had a pink unicorn on it with two big, chunky letter x's for eyes. Its clashing red tongue lolled from its mouth. It was obviously a very inebriated unicorn.

"Not at all!" Lizzie replied breezily, winking in return. This was obviously a pre-planned endeavor.

Lenalee returned a few minutes later with coffee for the group. She then pulled out the drunk unicorn flask and proceeded to divide its contents evenly among the steaming paper cups. Everyone took them readily, save for Lavi and, unsurprisingly, Yuu, who both, presumably, did not want to repeat the _last_ time they'd been drunk. Together. In the same room. On a couch. And oh, fuck, did Lavi wish that would happen again. Jason be damned, he quite honestly didn't care anymore. He wanted Yuu all to himself, and he wouldn't let--well, wait, yes, he would, because he was Lavi, and whenever he tried to be strong out of persona, his confidence just melted away.

Not that he was sure he had any confidence to begin with. Especially after he'd burned his parents' apartment down on the worst day of his life.

"Okay, guys, here're the pamphlet-thingies--choose a song to sing!"

And thus began something that took Lavi's mind far away from any sort of Yuu-related business whatsoever. It might have been the relaxed atmosphere of being among people who he actually was beginning to consider friends or it might have been something else completely--the others being drunk, the loud music that seemed out of place in the small cafe, the bitter, awakening scent of coffee in the air--but the great, coiled knot in Lavi's stomach began to uncurl and fade away. For the first time since Bookman had taken his first chance--way back with that dog and the petting-while-supposed-to-be-allergic incident--the redhead was starting to feel like maybe he could stop being so uptight and on guard. Yuu was there, after all, talking to Jason, yes, but there nonetheless, and he wouldn't let anything horrible happen to him. He'd proved that when he'd saved the ex-apprentice Bookman's life, and Lavi was definitely never going to forget that. Hell, he was _still_ wearing that goddamn boot.

His ankle was kind of itchy, actually, but he wasn't paying attention to that, because Lenalee had forced Allen up to the stage with her, deformed arm and all, and was attempting to get him to sing that song about war and what it was good for, which was apparently absolutely nothing. Lavi agreed with that song completely. War was stupid; humanity, too, was stupid, and he'd seen far too much to ever be anything less than wholly and utterly disillusioned on the subject.

He recalled the horrifying body count, the waterfall, the awful time with the spiders _all over his stomach_ , the guerrilla fighting, the bombs and the shells and the mortar and the endless pitch of death. Screeches, screeches all around, and fires, too, all vague and disorienting to others, but perfectly clear to him. He remembered everything so acutely that each detail seemed to flow into the next until the scene was right there before him. He hated when this happened, hated the feeling of being _right back there_ , unable to pull himself out of what he knew was some sort of remembered hallucination and not reality, unable to do anything but just _watch_ as more and more people died and screamed and hit each other with stupid bits of metal.

War was pointless, and it was cruel. Following that logic, war-makers were just as pointless and cruel, and since war-makers could only be humans, it was an easy connection to make that humanity itself was pointless and cruel. And Lavi hated humanity.

These friends, they were temporary, just like the life of a soldier. They could disappear in the blink of an eye, or, like Yuu, they could be one of the lucky survivors. If surviving could really be seen as lucky.

Was it? Lavi didn't think so. Surviving meant you just had to relive it all over and over again until you just wanted to give up and cry, give up and, if you were finally lucky, die.

That was where Yuu was, and if the redhead was honest with himself, he wasn't far from that state of mind at all. But did he really want to die?

No, he didn't. The answer was as obvious in his mind as it was that Allen was not enjoying himself up on the makeshift stage.

Did Yuu want to die?

For once, Lavi didn't think so, though he could never really be sure, as his dark-haired roommate had a way of making people think he wasn't as suicidal as he really was. And he _was_ \--he just couldn't die. Lavi had seen it for himself. There was just no way for Yuu to off himself, and while the redhead was thankful for that fact, he was also very, very sad. There was a part of him that just wanted Yuu to be able to do whatever he wanted, to just follow whatever path took him to some kind of resolution of spirit, be it death or not. It was a small part, of course, because most of Lavi really wanted Yuu to live and get better until all the memories were just harmless mist at the back of his mind.

But how could that ever happen when Lavi himself couldn't even get over his own demons? Needles still frightened him, amongst other things. The redhead shuddered. This really wasn't the time or place for him to be so introspectful.

"Come on! Up on the stage! Please!" The girl next to Lizzie, with whom Lavi was not well-acquainted enough to know the name of, shouted. Her fixed coffee was obviously in effect already, and it took Lavi a moment to realize that he'd been zoning out for quite some time. Lenalee looked quite comfortable on Allen's lap again, and he wondered how long she'd been there. She looked almost catlike, the way she stretched her arms outward and yawned before readjusting herself. The British boy's face took on a pained expression for a moment, and flicking his eyes downward for a moment, Lavi understood immediately. Lenalee's hip-flask was digging into a region best ignored in public.

"Fine! Will you stop pestering us already!?" Jason shouted from beside the redhead. Lavi tried not to wince--he hadn't been expecting that. The boy sat up and, to Lavi's surprise, grabbed Yuu by the wrist (bad idea, but thankfully, the dark-haired boy didn't flinch or pull away) and pulled him over to the microphones.

Yuu shot him a strange, almost worried, glance as he was dragged away, but Lavi ignored it as a trick of the light. It was probably a look of despair--Lavi knew how much he hated crowds and rowdy people. That time at the French restaurant had made that fact obvious enough. Honestly speaking, Yuu probably just didn't want to have to _sing_ , age-old (well, century-ish-old, but who was counting?) Japanese tradition or not.

The song began softly, and before more than a few beats, Jason was off, singing with a surprisingly good voice. Yuu put on an almost deer-in-headlights look, but his singing partner punched him in the shoulder, so he reluctantly began to sing along, and Jason faded out so that Yuu's voice could be heard.

_At first I was afraid, I was petrified._

_Kept thinking how I could never live without you by my side._

_But then I spent so many nights,_

_Just thinking how you'd done me wrong,_

_And I grew strong..._

Yuu's voice was actually very good, too, kind of like that old teddy bear that sat at the edge of your bed and kept you safe at night--it was familiar and comforting, and Lavi found himself just falling back into the comfy sofa, his eyes closing, his breathing slowing, until he was nearly asleep in the deliciousness of it all. It was so beautiful, so safe, and he just wanted to hear it all the time.

But then Jason came back in, and they sang together, and Lavi's eyes snapped open. He looked up at the stage, wishing all types of untimely deaths upon the friend his roommate had made. It wasn't fair. How come _he_ didn't get to sing with Yuu? He had been there first, hadn't he? And no, he didn't sing that well, seeing as Bookman had looked down on the whole self-expression thing, but that didn't mean he was totally useless. Well, except for the fact that he was still learning all the popular songs, and this wasn't one he'd ever heard before.

Their feet tapped the beat, moving more confidently until their hips shook with the effort. And then they danced, close together, all into it in a way that was usually only seen between girls and guys at parties after they'd gotten nice and thoroughly drunk. Lavi's glare grew just that much more furious, and he was starting to hate Jason even more than he did already.

Why was _he_ allowed to be so close to Yuu? And why did Yuu want him so close? Why did it look like the Japanese boy was actually having fun? Was he the only one to notice how close the two boys had become since Thanksgiving? Was his mind just beginning to overload with all his new-found emotions that it was overreacting to even the slightest of inconsistencies? Or was there something more? Maybe his mind was trying to tell him that what the redhead wanted was completely out of reach, and it was inventing ways to make him give up hope. Maybe that was why he was always so uncomfortable around the larger brunette, because deep down, Lavi knew he couldn't compete. That would make sense. 

Hell, his mind was even starting to project traits onto the other boy that only Lavi would be able to see. Like the slight twitch of the hand when someone said something to the junior swordsman. Hell, he was crazy, his mind was taunting him about his failures as a Bookman. Putting them all together into one big package of failure and rejection. 

The music had switched by the time Lavi came back from his pit of self-pity. He saw Jason sling an arm around Yuu's slim shoulders, and there was no flinch to speak of. The party seemed to be rolling on as if the world hadn't just come crashing down on top of him, but fuck, it sure felt like it had. 

He saw long, black hair from the corner of his eye as Yuu returned to his seat next to the redhead. He would have been happy except for the fact that he was now sandwiched between his roommate and the brunette encroacher. The two talked as if there was nothing wrong, as if Lavi wasn't even there. It felt like little needles--and yes, he knew what that felt like--were being stabbed into his chest, only about a million times worse. 

"Hey, Lavi, you okay?" Oh, so Yuu was talking to him now? Well, that was nice of him. There was concern in the Japanese boy's expression, so he really needed to hide his emotions better. It should have been a piece of cake, seeing as he'd needed to hide them for years. 

Except that it wasn't, and he couldn't, for God knew what reason, keep his anger and pain hidden. He was tired of being ignored and pushed aside. So he did the only thing he could do. 

"Lavi?" Yuu asked again, reaching out to place a hand on the younger boy's shoulder. 

"No, I'm not okay," the redhead said, ignoring the outstretched limb and standing up, not looking back as he stormed away. He slammed the door open, slowing only momentarily to glare at the cheerful bell that chimed as he left, but then he was out into the deep velvet of night, and he didn't really care. He was, quite honestly, furious, and he wasn't even entirely sure why. All his emotions were just sort of welling up, and he could do nothing to stop them or even keep them in check anymore. A telephone pole got in the way, so he punched it as hard as he dared to without hurting his hand, and after he'd accomplished that, he continued to walk.

Behind him, someone was taking long, jogging strides, and maybe they were calling his name, but he couldn't really bring himself to care.

"LAVI!"

He didn't turn around.

"LAVI! Stop! What's wrong!?"

This time, Lavi twirled with all the grace of a new ballet dancer, stomping to a stop and feeling the ground resound beneath him. There was an underground tunnel below, probably to keep the streets warm and snow-free during the winter months. Yes, just a few feet away was a grate that was letting out steaming air into the crisp December night. It really was starting to feel like winter. But no, he was angry, and he needed to make that clear, not ponder on the weather.

"You really can't tell!?" He half-screamed at the dark-haired boy who inhabited so many of his thoughts. Why had he said that? Emotions like this never needed to be expressed, never needed to see the light of day (or the dark of night). And Yuu was so broken that such attentions could make him regress completely back into the state Lavi had met him in, and much as he hated Jason, Yuu had been acting a hell of a lot better ever since they'd become... friends.

"Well, you're angry about _something_ ," his roommate replied, still striding forward, reaching out like some kind of too-nice, leading-on lunatic.

"Yes, Yuu, I'm _angry_ , so leave me the _fuck_ alone--"

Yuu grabbed his arm and opened his mouth to speak. "Are you je--"

The light, fluffy, bouncy music that signified Lenalee's call flew into the air faster than the steam a few feet away. Yuu let Lavi go and reached into his pocket. "Yeah?" He barked. Obviously, he wasn't pleased to be interrupted, but Lavi didn't really care and took the opportunity to turn around again so that he could finally go home. "They what? When?"

Dammit. Why did the Japanese boy have to be so... intriguing?

In the street lamp's dim illumination, Lavi saw Yuu's face blanch until it was almost as pale as the redhead's own visage. "I'm being... _what_?" Lenalee said something Lavi couldn't make out since he was too far away, but Yuu's eyes bugged out and then went completely flat, a reflection of what they had been like at the beginning of the year. "Yeah... tell Tiedoll to book the fl-- _yes_ , he's coming too." Yuu snapped his phone shut and strode forward, grabbing Lavi's wrist as he passed him and continuing to walk on without regard for anything, including traffic, which, in the redhead's opinion, was suicidal.

Somehow, they made it back to the dorm in one piece (though it had been a close call, Lavi thought with some trepidation). Yuu went straight to his bed, pausing only to kick off his shoes and release Lavi from his firm grip. The ex-apprentice Bookman padded softly over to the bed after a moment and put a gentle hand to the Japanese boy's head. The boy flinched.

That hurt, cut like a razor blade between the ribs. Why did he flinch for Lavi but not for Jason? Hadn't Lavi done more than enough to prove that he wasn't a threat?

But then he remembered how Yuu's face had looked, and he physically forced the emotions back and let his hand run smoothly through the dark-haired boy's silken hair (there was no way he didn't use feminine hair products, as it was far too soft to be the result of manly shampoos and conditioners). The boy grunted and shifted, but he did not protest. It sounded more like he'd given in to the inevitability that he had to be touched. Lavi frowned a bit at that thought but didn't stop feeling the down softness of each night-colored strand of hair. Yuu settled into the mattress, adjusting himself only a little so that he wouldn't suffocate.

There was something delicate and fragile in the air, something Lavi couldn't quite put his finger on. His heart did not beat strongly like it usually did with Yuu around; instead, he found himself feeling almost _depressed_ at the sight of his roommate so forlorn. It was strange and new, and it made the silence between them almost pitying in nature.

Eventually, Lavi couldn't stand it any longer. "What happened?" He asked quietly. The Japanese boy jumped a little, almost as if he had been dozing and had been pulled out by the sound of the redhead's voice. The face emerged from the pillow, and dark, emotion-flattened eyes stared at him, inscrutable knowledge behind them.

" _They... they caught my parents' murderer_ ," he said in low, husky Japanese. It seemed like he'd returned to his native language in his shock and had decided he didn't feel like using English at this point in time.

"Oh." There was nothing else to say.

"I've been subpoenaed to Japan to testify." Yuu's voice was as flat as his eyes.

"Oh." Again, nothing to say.

"I leave next Friday."

"But, Yuu, that's the week before finals," Lavi said, alarmed. For a moment, there was a twitch of emotion in Yuu's face, but it was gone a moment later, almost like a trick of the light.

"I'll have to take them early."

"Will..." The redhead hated himself for even considering this question, but it needed to be asked, so he took a fortifying breath and continued, "will you be alright?"

To his surprise, the dark-haired boy shook his head, accidentally hitting himself with his pillow in the process. It would have been funny, but the situation made it anything but. "No." Yuu's voice was still so _flat_. His eyes flickered away from Lavi's and circled the room, widening in horror for a brief moment, and Lavi knew he was once again seeing the faces of the people who had raped him.

"Er, what am I going to do for break?" He asked, trying to switch the topic away from dangerous matters. Yuu had been through enough in his life, and this was not the time to be reliving them.

Once again, his roommate surprised him. With an incredulous expression, Yuu said in a voice that Lavi supposed was reserved for the very, very dull (and thus, him), "you're coming, too, idiot."

"Oh." Lavi thanked the universe for bringing about the creation of monosyllabic words.

Yuu scoffed and then returned to trying to drown himself in his old dorm mattress.


	16. The Trial

Chapter 16--The Trial

__"Fiat inustitia et pereat mundus." (Let justice be done, lest the world perish.)

\---Ferdinand I, Holy Roman Empire

_December 12_

The hotel bed was soft and comfy. The bed springs didn't groan or protest his weight as he lay down on it. With a contented sigh, Lavi let his head fall into the feathery recesses of the nearest pillow. So heavenly, so _perfect_ \--he'd never been this comfortable before in his entire life. Placidly, his eyes closed, severing his connection with the outside world. Except that he could still hear Tiedoll huffing in outrage as he rummaged around the closet for an iron; the plane had wrinkled his suit past presentability.

Beside him, Yuu sat stock-still, back straight. He was silent, just as he had been since he'd heard the news from Lenalee. The redhead really wished he knew what was going on, but every time he tried to bring up the subject, it withered and died in his throat, because he just couldn't bear to see that horrid, broken expression on Yuu's face again.

The sound of Tiedoll leaving the room was the only thing that would break the silence for too many minutes. He really was far too great a coward for his own good. The redhead was too afraid to reach out and get his roommate's attention, even though it had been the only thing on his mind for the past eight days. They had both been so busy trying to make up exams that neither of them had been home more than a few hours straight, and none of those hours seemed to coincide. Not to mention that Lavi's worry over Yuu's mental state had risen exponentially as the week had progressed. And now he was too afraid to go through with it.

He couldn't even sit up and drag Yuu to lay down with him. He was confused--why was he being so timid? He knew he didn't want to hurt Yuu, but there was a point at which something needed to be done, and he was quite sure the dark-haired boy was at that point. Yes, he'd been at that point for a while. Moody, silent, responding only in grunts... not to mention that he wasn't sleeping again. Lavi could tell because he wasn't sleeping, either, nor had he really been sleeping much since he'd been taken off the drugs at the hospital and had been sent home.

Which reminded him that he really wanted that fucking boot off. He growled menacingly at it without moving, hoping that that would cause it to just leap off on its own. When it didn't, he made to get up.

Yuu's hand on his booted toe stopped him, and he cracked an eye open (the infernal gods of light made him squint in order not to be blinded). The Japanese boy continued to silently undo the velcro and clasps of the boot before pulling the damn thing off completely. The entire time, his face remained stoic and unmoving, as if he was a robot surviving on the most minimum of functions.

And that was what Yuu was right now: a robot, going through life as he had before he'd met Lavi and begun to heal. Never changing, just ghosting away as if he was denying all thought and...

Emotion.

Yes, Yuu was denying his emotions again. Which was bad. What if he had another attack while they were in court? Any evidence he could bring to the table would become questionable and might be discarded. That couldn't happen. Maybe if the redhead used that approach, he might finally be able to get through to his stubborn roommate.

Sitting up slowly and wiping the last vestiges of his attempted nap from his eyes, Lavi kneed his way next to Yuu and plopped down with his legs hanging off the edge of the bed. He winced a bit when his foot hit the ground, sending a grinding ache through his entire leg. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the dark-haired boy look over at him with a dully concerned expression on his face. Was that all he could manage? Lavi became even more worried for his roommate.

When the redhead moved his arm so that it was behind Yuu's back, the boy straightened as if he was on a skewer. Immediately, all his muscles were tense, and there was a slight twitching in the vein at his right temple. Lavi ignored all this and leaned closer, moving so slightly and so nonthreateningly that the other boy would have to recognize that he could do no harm.

"Hey, it's me," he said in a hushed voice, just barely loud enough to be heard. If no one else but him and Yuu could hear it, the Japanese boy's pride could not be insulted. "Remember, I won't hurt you."

Yuu grunted it response, an angry grunt that could have meant "shut up" but which Lavi knew could be interpreted as "I know, _baka_ , so shut your trap before I solder it shut."

"Get over yourself," Lavi scolded bravely. He completely expected the punch that struck his shoulder a moment later.

"Why don't you shut the fuck up!?" Yuu yelled, finally becoming animated for the first time in days. It was the loudest noise Lavi had heard him make since he'd gotten the phone call.

"Why don't you--" He broke off what he was going to say. He didn't need to be demanding, and he was going to say something regrettable if things kept going this way. No one needed a fight. This was wrong, there was too much emotion, they were so _overwhelming_...

"Why don't I _what?_ " Yuu hissed, eyes flashing.

"Tell me what's wrong," Lavi whispered, averting his own eyes. He hated that a blush came to his face.

The sparking lightning in the atmosphere diffused abruptly.

"Idiot," the dark-haired boy remarked, and stood up, walking out of the room just as Tiedoll came back in.

Lavi flopped back down, feeling completely useless.

"Oh, _merde_ ," Tiedoll muttered, and ran back out, presumably after Yuu. They didn't return for a long while, and when they did, it was with a very suited, very drab-looking lawyer whom Lavi didn't trust at all.

\---

_December 14_

Yuu was not nervous. Nor was he anxious to see the man who had murdered his parents and plagued what few nights he didn't dream about the faces. Lately, all he'd been seeing in his dreams was his mother's chest being ripped open over and over and over, blood spurting as ribs cracked free of the breastbone. He'd awoken numerous times, strangling his screams so as not to wake his slumbering roommate.

And speaking of his roommate, he thought as he glowered at Tiedoll, who was fussing over the knot of his tie, Lavi was just so _off_ lately, like he was _pitying_ him. Yuu didn't want that--he just wanted the entire world to leave him alone until the damned trial was over and he could finally put some of the skeletons in his closet to rest.

But back to the Lavi issue at hand--Yuu still couldn't think of what to make of karaoke night. The redhead had been _staring_ at him. No, that wasn't the right term; perhaps glaring would be a better word for Lavi's gaze. Whatever the phrasing, though, Lavi had obviously been upset, and when he'd stormed off, it had almost seemed like he was _jealous_. Yuu was not blind, nor was he oblivious. He'd never experienced anything to do with love or like or lust--besides his annoyingly persistent feelings for his roommate, which he was not discussing right now--but he'd seen Lenalee, Allen, Daisya, and Marie all go through the ups and downs, the angst, and he understood jealousy as a side-effect. And that look, that pained, hurt look, was the gaze of a tortured, jealous soul seeking an outlet for his frustrations.

But why would Lavi be jealous of him? What did he, Yuu, have that Lavi didn't? The Japanese boy was positively worthless in comparison. Lavi _felt_ , and though he didn't understand most of his emotions, he was no longer denying them. He was smart, probably smarter than Daisya, and that was tough to be. He was so endearingly _adorable_. In contrast, Yuu was nothing. He was empty, used, and emotionally exhausted. He was dull. Lavi was shining like an unattainable beacon. It was like being on the wrong side of the glass, separating the bleak winter that seemed to permeate every aspect of his life from the warm summer sun. It was there, it was visible, but it was also elusive. 

Something particularly annoying and French-like jabbed him in the shoulder, and he turned his gaze on the frizzy-haired boulder in front of him so that he could glare at it properly.

"Oi, watch where you're poking, old man," he said crossly, reaching up and loosening the tie that Tiedoll had just pronounced "perfect." The French whine that followed this action announced that he'd done his job properly. He never had liked ties anyway. Sure, he didn't mind having things around his neck, but ties reminded him of cold days and small beds and the bright, bright industrial light flickering above his bruised and abused body. So painful. Arching, arching, unwillingly panting, and then the hands that came around his neck, the voice that whispered "be still" in a thick Osakan accent, and then the rope that replaced the hands a moment later. Each movement he made tightened whatever knot was in place, and by the end, he'd forgotten all about whatever was being done to him just because it was so very difficult to _breathe_.

Of course, that was not now, and he really didn't need to be remembering those sorts of things. He cleared his head with the deep breaths that he had been denied during that memory and moved back into the present with surprising fluidity.

"--fter all the hard work I put in to that! Please, Yuu-kun, be more considerate of the people who are trying to..."

Yuu decided that it was best he continue to tune his guardian out. He kind of wished Lavi was in the room to interrupt. But he was in the bathroom, taking a shower, being late as usual. Seriously, the boy didn't know a thing about punctuality. He glanced hopefully at the door, but the water ran on, an endless drone of tardiness.

He became aware that Tiedoll had stopped speaking and was in fact blinking at him expectantly, his frizzy French face falling a little, so Yuu said the first thing that came to mind: " _Che_. Whatever."

Tiedoll looked as if he wanted to scold the Japanese boy, but he didn't, which was good, because Yuu really wasn't in the mood to be lectured any further. In a little less than an hour (God, would Lavi just _hurry up_ already!?), he would be within twenty feet of his parents' killer, and he still wasn't sure how he was going to react upon seeing the bastard.

The water finally shut off, and Yuu sighed in relief, finding himself only a bit peeved when he realized Tiedoll had done the same. They stood there awkwardly until Lavi came out some two minutes later, toweled off and dressed in Daisya's old suit, which was a bit short in the arms and seemed to be stretching, too tight, across Lavi's broad chest. The buttons bulged a bit, so Yuu rolled his eyes, walked over, and undid them. His fingers began to fumble around the second button, and by the time he was to the last one, he was shaking in an emotion he was too afraid to identify. Fear? No. Some kind of sexual tension? No. It was something altogether different, like a mixture of dread and hope and anxiety and maybe a little tiny bit of nervousness.

Oh, shit. He was nervous.

What if he said the wrong thing? He'd gone over things with his lawyer a few days prior, but still, there was always room for error, just like in swordsmanship. If he made just one tiny stutter, one show of minuscule weakness, his enemy would take advantage of it, and he'd find himself defeated and on the floor. He couldn't let that happen. This trial was too important.

Sturdy arms wrapped around him and pulled him into a light but firm embrace. He didn't know how to react, but he did notice that Lavi smelled a good deal like honey. It didn't suit him as well as the usual sandlewood dusted with something citrusy. And then there was the constant tang of ink that was always missing directly after a shower. And he always managed to smell a little bit like a library, like old dusty tomes, only not quite. Still, regardless of the scent, Lavi was warm and bright as usual, even when he was being serious like this. Yuu just let himself breathe deeply, take comfort in the softness of freshly-scrubbed skin.

"Let's go," Lavi breathed into his ear. Yuu shivered and nodded. The tickle of moist breath against his ear felt good, but the redhead was right; they were late. Stupid, lagging rabbit. And damn him for smelling so good, even with the too-sweet scent of honey clinging to him like Gladwrap.

They left the building and got in the (impatiently) waiting taxi. Traffic was, thankfully, not an issue, and they managed to get to the courthouse with eight minutes to spare. Tiedoll then insisted on brushing off Yuu's suit jacket, as if it had gotten an invisible layer of dirt on it between the hotel and the courthouse that only he was privy to. And, of course, Lavi just had to hug him too tightly to "wish him luck." But then he was walking in to the annex room with his lawyer, and the shaking was back, and he was still nervous.

He poured himself a glass of water from the pitcher in the middle of the table and took a drink. It didn't go down well, seeming to hesitate in its path down his esophagus. Was the water Japanese, too? He glowered at the half-empty glass (Lavi would probably say half-full, the fucker) in his hand, hoping that the expression would do something to calm his nerves.

It didn't.

But it did make the sloshy feeling in his throat go away. And that was close enough for him to accept for now.

The Lawyer patted his shoulder, mumbled something about it being time, and ushered him into the courtroom. The shakes started once more.

\---

As Lavi walked in, he couldn't help but notice that Yuu looked pale. And not just his usual "I haven't been sleeping well, and the sun is my sworn enemy" pale, but _pale_ , as in "dear God in Heaven, save me now." He took his seat next to his roommate, and, hoping to give him some form of comfort, Lavi shot him what he dearly wished was a winning smile and a thumbs up. And maybe it was, because Yuu rolled his eyes and returned his attention to the empty panel past the rail.

At exactly quarter till nine in the morning, the door to the judge's chamber opened, admitting the judges, who were followed soon after by the _Saiban-in_. The spectators grew silent as the other members of the defense and prosecution filed neatly into their seats. A few minutes later, after the shifting of chairs and fumbling of papers had quieted, a door to the right side of the room opened, presenting a man, who, even though time, both worry and guilt included, had not been kind to him, Lavi recognized immediately from Yuu's sketchbooks. The man was skinny, balding, with the remnants of graying hair that looked to have been recently buzzed. He still had the recognizable tan of someone who had worked outside for most of their life. The man gazed out at the courtroom with an air that was not quite imperial. He scanned the faces of the crowd, pausing only a moment to flash a tiny, almost confused smirk in the direction of the long-haired boy in the front row. It made Lavi's blood boil--to think that that _monster_ could still smile after what he'd done. The man was led to his seat right in front of them, his face obscured only by that of his guard, who saw fit to sit in the vacant seat next to the man. 

The clock above the judges' heads ticked into position at the twelve and the nine, signaling the start of the proceedings. The presiding judge cleared his throat, and remnants of conversation that had sprung up again with the entrance of the convict died. The judge looked to be an austere sort of individual who didn't appear all that pleased to be there so early in the morning, nor to have been dragged from his coffin to preside over the affairs of mortals. 

"This court is hereby in session," the old judge ground out in the most formal of Japanese. It seemed to Lavi, as the man turned in his chair to face the defendant, that he could hear the geezer's bones creaking with the effort. "Please step forward to the witness stand for questioning." 

The murderer all but sauntered over to the stand. 

"Please state your name, date of birth, registered domicile, residence, and occupation for the court." 

"Yamashita Juntarou, born on March 8, 1942, from Hiroo in the Sibuya ward of Tokyo. I'm living in Sapporo, Hokkaido, and I'm a gardener." Lavi could almost hear Yuu scoff, but the boy was obviously too far gone in nerves to be remarking on the man's occupation. 

There was a rustling of papers as the facts were verified. The presiding judge adjusted his large, thick-rimmed glasses before speaking again. "This trial is being held regarding the charges against you of homicide and attempted homicide."

Then it was the prosecutor's turn to read off all the charges; the defendant was then informed of his rights. It was all very boring, very usual stuff, and it didn't keep the redhead's interest at all. What he was waiting for was coming up next. 

"Is there anything the defendant has to say in response to the charges?" The wizened judge cocked an eyebrow, leaning in as much as his already bent back would allow. It seemed that the entire room was mimicking the interest. 

"I would like to say that I know what I did was wrong, that I am sorry, and I would like to ask the council to be lenient in their sentence." The words hung hollow in the air. Lavi saw Yuu's jaw clench against the scoff that the redhead was sure he most desperately wanted to make.

The defense council repeated the statement in a slightly more eloquent manner, but it was obvious from the way the young, well-dressed lawyer was standing that he knew that this was going to be a long, hard, upward battle for him. 

After a few more opening formalities, they moved on to the examination of evidence and the opening statements. It was a long and painstaking process as the court examined the murder weapon that had been left on site, along with fingerprints and DNA collected from the crime scene. It seemed to take hours, though when the redhead looked at the clock, only two had passed. Lavi considered it a mercy that the slideshow the prosecutor had provided had mercifully left the photos of the crime scene off. The descriptions the prosecutor provided were enough to get the picture, and from the looks of the judges and _Saiban-in_ , who actually had the honor to see the prints, it was a good thing they were kept away from public viewing. When the court appeared satisfied with the documentary evidence, it was time for the witnesses to be called. 

The first witness was a young woman, somewhere in her early thirties, with long, dark hair tied in a loose ponytail. She walked up to the witness stand with a cautious look to her right, where the man she had worked with all those years ago sat. 

"I swear that what I am about to say is accurate to the best of my knowledge and that I will not conceal any fact, nor speak falsely. Witness Ito Natsuko, formerly Murita Natsuko." 

A few more procedural statements were said and done, and Lavi observed the defendant. The man didn't appear nervous at all; he just stared calmly at the woman on the witness stand. He almost appeared as if he was going to fall asleep. It just rubbed the redhead the wrong way that he could be so calm when everyone else was so agitated. He tried to keep the fact that he was being a hypocrite by thinking that as far from the front of his mind as he could. After all, how many times had he affected the same look while staring at a bloody, torn-apart soldier?

The prosecutor was the first to question the young woman, speaking clearly and kindly, so as to keep her calm. 

"Please tell the court, Ito-san, what your occupation and working conditions were like in the Kanda household." 

"I was the child's nanny while the parents were at work during the day. I was responsible for making sure that he was fed and bathed and had whatever homework he had finished. They were very nice people, and little Yuu-chan was such a sweet thing that it wasn't any trouble balancing my schoolwork with taking care of him, being in college at the time and all." She spoke with a nostalgic tone that made Lavi picture the small house that must have been nicely furnished if the parents could afford a nanny. He imagined a small boy running up the front steps to be greeted by a smiling young girl who would make him dinner and look after him just like a good older sister would. He imagined the little boy smiling as his _Onee-san_ tucked him into bed and kissed his forehead goodnight. Imagining all that left him feeling, somehow, incredibly sad that it all had to come to such a tragic end. 

"When can you say that you first started noticing something off?" The prosecutor asked briskly, keeping the flow of questions moving. 

"It was about a month before the... incident that I first noticed Yamashita-san looking at me strangely. At first I thought nothing of it and figured that he just thought I was pretty or something, him being 30 years my elder. But, things got a bit... affronting after he came up to me while I was watching Yuu-chan in the backyard and... touched my... chest. It was shocking and not something I could ignore, because what if he had wanted to do something to Yuu-chan? So I told Meiko-san, the victim." There was a note of regret in her voice, as if she thought that it was her fault. Perhaps she was thinking at that very moment that if she had only kept quiet, the Kandas would still be alive. And maybe that was true, but the redhead knew the regret would get her nowhere, and he hoped she still didn't blame herself too much for what had happened. 

"And what did she do, when you told her about this incident?" 

"She told me that she would take care of it and that I shouldn't worry. The next day, Yamashita-san was gone and everything was calm for a while--well, until it all happened, anyway--but I didn't find out until I came to the house and found the police there." Once again, she sounded regretful, but who could really blame her?

The prosecutor sat down, and the defense questioned Mrs. Ito, asking her whether the case had been reversed--it wasn't that Mr. Yamashita had been hitting on her, but perhaps she had been leading _him_ on--and all the other classic attempts to clear your client's motives of any wrong-doing, but it was obviously not working. The former-nanny was confident in her answers, and if she had been lying, even Lavi would have been fooled. 

The witness was dismissed after a few minutes. And then it was Yuu's turn. The boy was veritably shaking as he stood up and walked over to the witness stand. Tiedoll patted his charge on the shoulder, but all that succeeded in doing was almost making Yuu crumple to the ground as his knees gave out. He recovered gracefully and continued his trek up. Lavi didn't know why his stomach felt so knotted.

The prosecutor walked up to the witness stand and gave what was a hopefully reassuring smile to the dark-haired boy and then proceeded to ask him what were probably the most difficult questions he would ever have to answer. 

"What do you remember about Yamashita Juntarou-san?" 

"I just remember that he was our gardener and that I was kind of afraid of him. I never paid him much attention, and he never said anything to me." Lavi was glad that Yuu's voice didn't sound too shaky. He looked over at the defendant's chair, and he saw the gardener making a strange, almost unbelieving look, and for the life of him, the redhead could not figure out why. 

"What do you recall about the night of June 12, 1998?" This was the question everyone had been waiting for. A real, first-person account of what had actually happened. 

"I had had a nightmare and was sleeping in my parents' room that night. It wasn't something I normally did, but they let me stay for some reason, and I fell asleep. I remember it was really early in the morning when I heard the cat hissing at something. I woke up to shoo him away when I saw Yamashita-san standing over my father. I couldn't really see because it was still kind of dark, but there was all this black sticky stuff on the sheets and _chichi_ kept making these weird, wet-sounding noises, and he was trashing about a bit. He kept trying to grab at Yamashita-san's arms and at the hedge clippers he was holding, but he couldn't. I just remember hearing a really loud snap and then he stopped moving." Yuu paused for a moment, as if waiting for something to happen; when nothing did, he continued. "I couldn't move--I was mostly hidden under the blankets--and I was afraid that if I tried to get away, he would hurt me too. I thought he was going to leave, but he just walked over to the other side of the bed. I don't know why she hadn't woken up yet, because there was so much _blood_ and she couldn't have slept through the snapping and gurgling that was going on, but she wasn't awake, and Mr. Yamashita just stabbed the clippers through her chest, and there was such a loud crack and so much more blood that I screamed. I think that was when he finally realized I was there, because he looked me right in the eye." 

"But he didn't kill you?" The prosecutor interrupted dramatically.

"No, he didn't. I don't understand why he didn't, I had seen everything, but he just dropped the clippers and walked out of the room."

\---

At one o'clock, the court went in to recess. Yuu's questioning had been long and arduous and more than a little boring after a while. The courtroom filed out, and finally, finally, Lavi could see his roommate again. The boy was sitting in the main entrance, surrounded by media pigs, but Lavi was experienced at getting where he wanted to go. He had been trained by one of the best Bookmen, after all. A couple nudges, a few pushes, and several _'scuse me_ s later, Lavi was sitting down on the hard, wooden bench next to Yuu.

He didn't really expect the hug that almost threw him from his seated position, but he took it with good grace and folded his arms along Yuu's back, allowing the other boy to take whatever comfort he needed. And yeah, maybe he did add a little tiny kiss to the top of Yuu's head, and yes, one of the pigs had probably snagged a picture of it, but it was worth all the trouble that would invariably come about to feel Yuu shudder in what he assumed was pleasure.

Lavi's button-up--his suit jacket long since discarded and under Tiedoll's protection--was becoming a bit warm, and a moment later, he realized it was getting wet, too. Yuu would never forgive him if he let him be caught in public like this. So, glaring at the crowd, he pulled Yuu just a little bit closer, attempting to hide the tender emotions Yuu had bottled up for too long.

Tiedoll eventually came around and shooed the pigs away, for which Lavi was glad. They went outside of the courthouse and walked down the street until they found a nice restaurant, where the dark-haired boy slipped away into the bathroom until their food had come. By the time they returned an hour later, all evidence of the tears were gone.

But Lavi didn't miss the way Yuu's back straightened when Yamashita Juntarou was called to the witness stand again.

The defense counsel gave a light interrogation of the defendant, going into as little detail about the actual murders as possible. Which didn't leave much to talk about besides his upbringing and his life before working at the Kanda household, trying to make him as sympathetic as possible. But soon it was time for the prosecution to speak. 

The prosecutor stood before the witness stand, looking out at the spectators. It was obvious to everyone present that the man before them was guilty beyond any doubt. He did not need to ask him how he did it; that was as clear as the rows of evidence bags sitting on the table. The only thing that there was any question on was why. Why had he done it? Why had he decided to destroy a family? Why hadn't he killed Yuu?

"Yamashita-san, before I leave you to the judges' mercy, I have one question: why didn't you kill Kanda Yuu-san when you killed his parents?" 

The man stared at the prosecutor a moment, before shrugging his shoulders. "I didn't have it in me to kill a little girl," he said, and chuckled darkly.

The prosecutor raised an eyebrow. "A little girl?"

"Well, can you blame me for the mistake?" The gardener gestured over at Yuu with his cuffed hands.

Without realizing it, Lavi stood up, blind with rage. Maybe everyone else was talking, for the presiding judging looked like he was calling for order, but Lavi couldn't hear anything. Someone yanked his arm--maybe it was Tiedoll, maybe it was Yuu, he couldn't really tell. All he knew was that he was very, very angry. He'd seen pictures of Yuu when he was younger--granted, not quite _that_ young--and he'd looked _nothing_ like a girl. For someone to mistake Yuu for the other gender, which was already a sensitive subject for him, especially after years of working for his family... well, that was simply unacceptable.

But before he could begin to yell, the yanking arm pulled so insistently that he fell back hard into his seat. The silence was immediately torn away, and Yuu was punching him in the shoulder--which hurt--and Tiedoll was looking at him as if he was an idiot.

The questioning, meanwhile, continued. "So you thought Kanda Yuu-san was female?" The prosecutor asked.

The gardener nodded almost gravely and then cracked a cackling smile. "If I'd known differently--" He shut up.

"Please continue, Yamashita-san," the prosecutor ordered, and had Lavi been in the gardener's position, he would have cringed at the coldness in the prosecutor's voice.

"If I'd known differently," the gardener continued, "there would have been no one to testify against me."

The court was silent. Whatever hope the gardener had had of getting off even slightly easier had been vanquished. He was already clearly unrepentant, despite his earlier statement, and now he was showing the outright will to kill again.

Yuu stood up and walked out of the room with heavy, echoing steps. The door resounded loudly enough to be heard throughout the room long after it had closed behind him.


	17. On the Way to a Smile

Chapter 17--On the Way to a Smile

__In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.

\---Robert Frost

Lavi didn't wait for the verdict to be announced. He just stood up and followed Yuu out at a brisk walk, hoping to catch up within a few moments. His roommate's pace was fast, but Lavi was able to reach out and grasp his arm just before he'd opened the main door. The boy turned around, an angry, almost hurt, expression on his face. His eyes glinted, then calmed.

"Lavi," he said in greeting, his voice almost curt.

"Yuu," the redhead responded, nodding. It seemed very important, necessary even, to continue with the excessive formality, as if that was the only thing keeping Yuu from breaking down in public. He would respect the dark-haired boy's implicit wish, wouldn't push him past whatever boundaries were keeping him sane.

They walked over to a small alcove near the public toilets, and Lavi pulled his roommate into an embrace the second they'd ducked into it. With gentle hands, he brought Yuu's face to his shoulder so that the Japanese boy would not have to face the world, even if it was just for a moment. He was not considering the fact that he really just wanted to hold the guy he liked. Seriously. He wasn't thinking that at all. 

 

They stood there, alone, for an indeterminate amount of time--no one came in, everyone too preoccupied with the announcement of the verdict. Sadly, this small peace that Lavi so coveted could not go on forever--the case was open and shut, and sooner or later, the throngs of observers and media would come flocking out of the courtroom and someone would invariably have to take a piss--it almost felt as if it wasn't Lavi who was the one protecting Yuu from a complete breakdown, but instead the other way around. It felt to him as if just having the other boy close was reassuring, as if even though it seemed like everything could fall apart at a moment's notice, if they just stuck together, it would all stay in one piece. So he held on tighter, buried his head at the crook of Yuu's neck and shoulder, where nothing could hurt them.

To the redhead's eternal disgust, the first person to have to follow the call of nature was a reporter. He was middle-aged and maybe around five-foot-two (short fucker, Lavi thought snidely), with thinning dark brown hair that swung further and further into his eyes at every step. The reporter's face went from pained and angry to nearly ecstatic in less than a second. Almost immediately, he was upon them.

"Kanda-san!" He called, coming toward them with surprising speed for a short old geezer. It kind of reminded Lavi of Bookman, but even the old panda was shorter than this guy. It had to be some kind of statistic, the redhead thought. Tall people must, statistically-speaking, be slower than short people. 

"What was your reaction to the verdict?" The man was now reaching into his jacket pocket, searching for something to write in the tiny notebook he held in his other hand. 

Lavi, sensing danger, began to pull Yuu from the alcove, murmuring "no comment" as they passed the reporter. It was almost a relief to enter into the main hallway and see it jammed with people. They'd be less noticeable this way. They pushed their way through the mass of observers and eventually came upon Tiedoll speaking with the nanny. Or attempting to. The nanny was looking hopelessly lost as Tiedoll stumbled to speak even one sentence.

" _A-anata wa..._ um... _wa..._ wait, no--oh, _merde. C'est trop difficile. Parles-tu anglais?_ \--er, wait... um... _eigo wo_ \--um-- _hanashi... masu... ka_?"

The poor nanny looked somewhere between bemused and horrified. She shook her head, mouth somewhat ajar, eyes wide as a fish's.

" _A-anou_..." It seemed that stuttering was in season, as the nanny just stared, wide-eyed, shaking her head and making desperate, flailing attempts to get her point across. Obviously, she could speak neither French nor English. Tiedoll seemed to understand and drooped a little, probably in disappointment.

Lavi thought he heard Yuu sigh in exasperation, and his suspicion was confirmed as the dark-haired boy strode past him and up to his former care-giver. The woman's eyes widened a bit more as his roommate approached, and when the boy was just in range, she threw her arms around his neck. It was quite a shocking action, especially for the recipient of said hug. Surprisingly, though, Yuu took it in stride, waiting for the woman to finish her assault. His face only looked slightly shell-shocked. Tiedoll seemed thoroughly taken aback by his charge's lack of physical violence in response to human contact. Hell, even Lavi was. And was that... a tiny smile? Just a vague lift to the corner of his lips, but it was something, a sign of emotion and not the cold, unfeeling zombie-like state he had been in for the past two weeks. 

Ito-san gently took a step back, her hands still resting on Yuu's shoulders. She brought up her right and placed it in an almost motherly way on the dark-haired boy's cheek. "Yuu..." she murmured, and she seemed almost wistful as she smiled at the Japanese boy. Her smile turned wry after a moment, though. "I guess I can't use ' _chan_ ' anymore, though." She laughed a little and let her hand caress the length of Yuu's cheek. He shook his head in response--a small effort, subtle and subdued, just like his smile.

" _Onee-san_." It was the first thing Yuu had said since he'd left the courtroom, and it was so smooth, so unlike anything he'd ever said before, excepting the times he'd comforted Lavi. It was benevolent, almost, and endearingly sweet. Then he surprised Lavi (and Tiedoll, he saw from the corner of his eye) by half-launching himself forward and back into her arms. The nanny looked dumbfounded, receiving him with a little " _oof_ ," taking a step back. After a moment, her surprised expression softened, and she ran a hand along the back of Yuu's head. He responded by doing what looked suspiciously like a nuzzle into her breast. "You're alright."

A soft laugh, more like a tinkle of bells than any human utterance, just barely reached Lavi's ears. Ito-san pulled her former charge closer. "Of course I am, Yuu--I'm just glad you survived. After you disappeared from the police station, I was worried..."

Yuu froze against the nanny's subtle figure. Sensing something was wrong, the nanny blinked and looked down. Yuu, it seemed, would not ( _could_ not?) pull away, but shakes were starting to run down his frame, appearing most strongly in the joints at his knees.

What happened next bewildered Lavi a little. It made a sick sort of sense, seeing as she had once taken care of Yuu, but still, the tiny mumbles that everything was alright, the sweet whispers that whatever was bothering him was far, far away, they reminded Lavi of the exact kind of comfort he had both given to and received from his roommate. He hadn't expected Ito-san to be such a perceptive and gentle caregiver, but apparently she had no problem handling the dark-haired boy at all.

"Why don't you all come to my apartment?" She asked, looking up and speaking directly to Tiedoll, who looked hopelessly lost. Lavi signaled to her that he could understand, and she sighed in relief, smiling again as she continued. "It's small, but I'm sure you will be most welcome. We can stop for groceries for dinner on our way back."

Translating quickly, Lavi immediately got a gracious "yes" from Tiedoll. Yuu seemed to relax a bit at the prospect as well, as if being in familiar arms was reminding him that his past could not harm him here.

\---

The apartment was spacious but still a bit on the small side. Ito-san's husband was kind, and it surprised Lavi to see him take charge of the cooking once the fresh ingredients were unpacked. Soon, the savory, thick scent of vegetable oil searing through hot, battered vegetables and shrimp was wafting from the kitchen to the low _kotatsu_ in the adjacent room.

Lavi heard Ito-san laugh from the other room, and immediately after, the paper door slid open, admitting her into their midst. They were a strange company--Tiedoll looked far too tall to truly belong, and with the way he was fidgeting, it was no far stretch of the imagination that he felt out of place. And it wasn't as if Lavi wasn't feeling distant as well. It was like he was intruding on some intimate family moment--the reuniting of some long-lost relative or sibling. 

Ito-san placed a tray of teacups and a pot of tea onto the table. Smiling generously, she poured them each a cup. When at last everyone had been served, she turned so that she was facing Yuu.

"You look well," she remarked. "How have you been?"

Yuu cleared his throat, looking away, but remained otherwise stoic. It was a defense mechanism, Lavi had come to realize. "I've been alright." He wasn't all that great at lying, but he said this with such authority that it almost seemed true, like if he wished for it hard enough, his past would simply melt away until it was nothing more than bland, obliterated shadows of nullity.

The nanny raised an eyebrow, looking more than a little doubtful, but she dropped it. At least for the time being. Obviously, she could read Yuu's moods far better than even Lavi could.

"How did you end up with your guardian, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I..." Yuu paused, looked around almost wildly, as if seeking an answer for himself. "I... was found by the police and put through the Dark Order Adoption Agency." Simple. Mundane. Yuu-chan. Lavi grinned inwardly and nodded encouragingly at his roommate.

"Oh!" Ito-san looked surprised, then angry. "I told those officers to tell me if they ever got word of you!"

"I... was mugged," Yuu explained, falsely. "Perhaps they didn't want you to come in and see, uh, the extent of my injuries."

Lavi stifled a laugh. He shouldn't be amused by his roommate's misfortune, especially since he didn't actually find it funny. Really, he just thought "extent of my injuries" sounded a little... tame. After all, how Yuu had described himself after the whole ordeal... there was no way they would let anyone besides the doctors and the potential adoptive families in to see him. Just seeing his old nanny might have broken his fragile mindset of the time. There was still a potential for such a breakdown now, if Lavi was reading the signs correctly. The redhead was under the impression that if Yuu thought Ito-san knew, or at least suspected, anything, he would literally fall apart.

It might have been luck, or perhaps Ito-san sensed something about the direction of the conversation, but she very deftly began to steer the topic toward Lavi's life, and she seemed very interested in what Tiedoll did for a living--even if the old man couldn't string two words together to explain. Yuu ended up translating, which seemed to end up being a good distraction for all. By the time the food came, there was riotous conversation, and everyone was laughing along together like old pals, Lavi included.

It was a first for the redhead. Ever since he had apprenticed himself to Bookman, he had never felt quite like he belonged. Even with Yuu and his silent companionship, Lavi had always felt just a little bit like an outsider. Maybe it was his Bookman training, but regardless, he felt perfectly in the moment for the first time since he was six. All his smiles felt real, and whenever he laughed, he really, truly meant it.

He also wanted to lean across the _kotatsu_ and kiss Yuu, but he would not fall in to that temptation.

They stayed till long after the sun had fallen. It was such a comfortable atmosphere that as they were being shown the door, it almost felt to Lavi as if it was his own house he was leaving, and from the sudden downcast look Yuu had gained, the feelings were not only his own. The nanny bid them farewell from the door, waving and calling loudly for them to please return. Tiedoll patted his pocket, in which resided a small notepad where he'd taken down her phone number and email address for later reference. Yuu had looked very tense during the entire exchange, but once Ito-san had finished writing out her information, the dark-haired boy had let out a relieved breath. No, Lavi thought, he wasn't being obvious at all. Clearly, this woman was very important to him, and even the densest of people could notice. Hell, Tiedoll had.

\--

Tiedoll bid the two boys goodnight and was soon snoring away like he had a mini chainsaw in his throat. It was a pleasant distraction to the whirring sound his thoughts were making at the moment. It was a nice counter-melody, Yuu thought, as he rolled over, trying to suffocate all negative energy with his pillow. It wasn't working, just like every night he tried to do this. It would probably end up being another sleepless, memory-filled night, which wouldn't be good for the early morning flight time or for the sixteen hours in an enclosed space with strangers. It seemed like a recipe for disaster; the last thing he wanted was to be put on an FBI watch-list because of some mental breakdown in the terminal. 

Just when Yuu had been about the give up on sleep as an impossibility, a frustrated sigh came from the other side of the bed. The noise was immediately followed by a shifting of body weight and an irritated groan. Yuu turned so that he could face his bed-mate (the lesser of two evils--there was no way in hell he would spend a night in a bed with _Tiedoll_ ). Lavi was sitting up, hands to his eyes, rubbing furiously at them as if trying to imbue them with sleep. Trying not to alert the redhead to his attentions, Yuu reached his hand out and placed it lightly on Lavi's shoulder. The boy gasped and jumped, his hands falling from his eyes and down to the bed, where they could better support him in case he was being attacked. Yuu glared at him. His eyes said what he would not in order to keep the metrosexual country's painting idiot asleep: "don't be loud and annoying." Lavi got the message and nodded.

"Couldn't sleep either?" Lavi asked, ignoring Yuu's eye-message. The Japanese boy shook his head, his dark hair a swaying pendulum from the movement. "Yeah, me too," Lavi continued, keeping his voice very, very hushed. It was an almost inaudible whisper. Like they were keeping a secret.

In the background, Tiedoll snored away.

"So how are you really feeling?" Lavi asked, and Yuu knew he was referring to his uniform reply of "fine" each time he was asked that question. But now, in the silence, in this special, unique secrecy guided by whispers and darkness, Yuu thought that maybe he could answer.

"Shit," he said.

It was true. Ever since the phone call, he'd been remembering far too much. And when Natsuko-nee-san had asked him about what had happened to him after he'd disappeared from the police station, the thoughts just came swirling downward, static like an old television set but still so very, very vivid. The cries from next door when he was exhausted and used, the cries spewing from his own mouth, despite him being so exhausted and used. Pain, pain, pain, then some blinding lights, and then finally darkness. And all too soon, the lights were back, and that... that _lady_ would be there, whispering sweet nothings in his ear as she took his hand and placed it in the dark patch of hair between her legs, calling him pet names as she coaxed a reaction from him until finally she could stroke his head as she held him close, so close...

He gritted his teeth. "Shit," he repeated, hating the edge in his voice.

A larger hand reached out and clasped around his still outstretched one. Lavi slid his fingers between Yuu's slighter ones until the grasp was firm and comfortable, supportive and safe.

"Do I want to know?"

"No."

"You know, all things considered, I'm glad that you're still alive. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't," Lavi admitted quietly. His eyes looked strange and deep, so Yuu turned away, blushing a bit.

"You wouldn't do anything--you'd be dead."

"Ouch, Yuu, that hurts."

"I'm just calling it as I see it."

"Bastard."

"Idiot."

"Asshole."

"Smart-ass."

"Haha!" Lavi proclaimed, managing to whisper-shout in a way that seemed eardrum-burstingly loud but which didn't actually make Tiedoll stir at all. "You've contradicted yourself! You must now be my slave for a day!"

Yuu didn't want to shudder, because he knew Lavi didn't mean it that way, but he'd played "slave" enough to hate the powerlessness, to despise the weakness, and to detest the whippings. Yuu didn't want to shudder, but he did. The larger hand in his gripped tighter, and Lavi scooted closer.

"Sorry, Yuu," he said, and if he'd had ears, Yuu would swear he could see them drooping, "I didn't mean it that way."

"I know." His voice was broken and soft. He hated it. He hated it as much as he hated himself for being so damned _weak_.

"You know I'll never hurt you, right?"

"Yes." Once again, his voice hurt to hear.

"So then trust me, 'kay?"

Something soft collided with--well, gently touched--his cheek. It took Yuu a moment to realize that Lavi had kissed him. By then, the other boy was already looking away. If he was blushing, Yuu couldn't tell; it was too dark. He reached out with his unoccupied hand and placed it on the redhead's cheek, turning it back so that they were looking at each other once more. Or maybe gazing. It was hard to tell with those stupid romantic terms. Yuu drew the other boy closer, knowing he was just as red as Lavi felt under his cool fingers.

Their noses bumped, which was okay, because even though it was kind of awkward, it gave them both a moment to collect their thoughts. Yuu tilted to the right, leaning in, craning his neck just a little so that their lips could finally meet--

A rumble much like a chainsaw taking down a particularly stubborn tree interrupted them, and they both backed up, frozen in fear, as they watched Tiedoll stir and then flop from his back to his stomach. Thankfully, his snores were muffled somewhat by that action.

"Uh, sorry," Lavi muttered after a long silence. "I--you--I thought you had an eyelash. That's why I got so close."

"Me too," Yuu murmured back. They didn't let their hands fall from each other, though.

"I'll, uh, go to bed now, I think," the redhead whispered.

"Okay."

Maybe an hour later, once Lavi's breathing had evened out, Yuu leaned over and kissed his roommate briefly on the lips. "Sweet dreams," he mumbled. No one else, not even Lavi, would ever hear those words from him, but he legitimately wished that the redhead would sleep well.

He allowed himself to curl up near to Lavi, and he found that falling asleep was easier when you had a warm, safe body next to you and another hand in yours.

\---

_December 16_

Daisya was, naturally, in front of the large television set, playing video games. It obviously didn't matter to him that it was six in the morning, and Yuu knew enough about his adoptive brother to understand that the eccentric boy had been up all night. His eyes looked bloodshot and strained, kind of like a crack addict's. Only intent on the flashing screen in front of him. Yuu slunk past him, carting a catatonic, zombie-like rabbit with him, but Tiedoll, naturally, stopped the procession with one of those ill-timed questions that he always seemed to have.

"Wow, Daisya, you've worked really hard on this game!" Tiedoll exclaimed, far too loudly for Yuu's quiet-sensitive ears. They'd been too exhausted to speak when Komui had picked them up from the airport, and already, said scientist was inching toward the basement, obviously trying to avoid the oncoming conflict. Yuu wanted to make a bid for the stairs, but his usual agility was strangely lacking. It had to have been from that awful, cramped space on the airplane that the attendants called a "seat." Somehow, Lavi had taken over all the legroom. And had snored soundly the entire ride, not moving more than once or twice to cling annoyingly to Yuu's arm.

Yuu would have been bothered had Lavi not looked so damned cute and innocent while asleep. He'd looked around to guarantee their privacy and kissed his roommate again, this time on the forehead, at one point. Just too damned adorable. Like a sleeping, nose-twitching little rabbit. Yuu just wished he could have drawn whiskers on the other boy.

He would have to invest in some eyeliner to accomplish that. Or he could just steal it from Lenalee.

"Yeah, I've logged nearly fourteen hours now," Daisya finally replied, distracted by his game. He craned his neck to follow the characters' progress.

"And what about those applications I talked to you about?" Tiedoll rumbled. Yuu gave up common decency and made a bid for the staircase, hating his legs for how they fumbled and slowed him down and made Lavi fall into him, leaving them in a tangled pile on the ground. Trapped and wheezing, Yuu reached out a hand and tried to pull himself farther away from the chaos about to ensue.

"Oh, yeah... those." Daisya still wasn't paying attention. It wasn't like he knew proper social skills to begin with, but his tired mind wasn't allowing him to compensate at all.

"Yes, those." The Frenchman's voice was a warning. Yuu scrambled out from beneath Lavi and hoisted him into the air with unknown strength. Behind him, the sizzling expectancy of confrontation was nearly at boiling point. The air felt hot. A small droplet of sweaty desperation fell from Yuu's forehead, landing soundlessly in the dark blue carpet.

"I got a little mixed up on them. When they say 'parent or guardian'... well, I've got both, but since Ma and Dad can't take care of me..."

"That's why they have the 'guardian' option," Tiedoll explained. "Did you at least finish the rest of the forms? How about the essays?"

The heat. It was threatening to burn them. Why couldn't Lavi feel it? Why was he standing there, dazed and useless, unable to even support himself on his own legs, in this obvious emergency? Tiedoll's voice was still so _dangerous_. And after all he'd been through in the past couple weeks, Yuu didn't think he'd be able to discriminate between his usually kind guardian and someone trying to hurt him. Feeling was something that was still very hard for him to do; he'd been avoiding it for so long that it was like he had no more tolerance. Or maybe it was that he had already used up his lifetime quota for tolerance. Maybe now he was going to just snap and go into a rage. It was annoying, unnecessary. He clenched his teeth and started pulling Lavi up the stairs. His mind was in panic mode, and the adrenaline made him stronger than usual. Like when he fought tournaments against other schools. Like all those times he had tried to defend himself. He'd almost beaten off an adult once, and he'd been maybe eleven at the time. He shook those thoughts off and continued up the stairs.

"Uh, no. I started playing this... I figured I'd wait until you got back..."

Down the hall, through the door, and then they were locked in Yuu's personal sanctuary. Soundproofed so that they wouldn't have to hear him scream (he'd asked Komui to do it; frankly speaking, Tiedoll still didn't need to know). Whatever storm was below them, they couldn't hear it.

Ignoring the guest bed, Yuu frogmarched Lavi over to his own bed, where he flipped the covers back and deposited the useless redhead. Then, making sure the vent that connected his room and Lenalee's was closed off--she had the troublesome habit of reopening it when he wasn't in his room--he rolled into bed himself. He didn't want to be alone tonight.

\---

After breakfast, or dinner, as people who hadn't just woken up after a 16 hour flight would call it, Yuu cut. Not a lot, just enough to stop the encroaching faces that had been a constant screen over his vision since that goddamned phone call. That really should have been enough. So why were they back, stronger than before, only an hour after he'd done it? And why was the urge so much stronger than it usually was? Granted, the faces had always been there, but the last time they'd been this bad, he'd only needed to cut a little bit once or twice a day. Now it seemed like he needed to every few hours, and every time he did, it just made them come back faster and in greater number than before. It was to the point where he wouldn't be able to function at all. He'd be blind and paralyzed from the fear, the one fate, that at least to him would be worse than any death. To not be able to see, to be unable to defend himself against whatever might be out there in the dark, foggy haze of memory blurred into reality, that torture that could quite literally be Hell.

The weakness had always been the worst part. His feeble arms were always overpowered, and even though he marked them now, he could never undo the invisible scars of the past.

Yuu watched the glistening slits in his skin scab over and disappear within moments. It was almost fascinating now, to watch them fade as if they'd never been there. His curse--that damned Lotus that was still in Bookman's illegitimate custody--never allowed him the satisfaction of seeing what he'd done, or what had been done to him. If he could at least see they were real, maybe that would keep the faces away. But naturally, life just didn't want to give him anything. It wasn't fair, he thought furiously, pulling the blade across his skin, watching as more blood pooled in the gap that followed the box-cutter's path. He just wanted to forget, and now he couldn't even do that. The faces just kept pressing in on him, and if they didn't stop soon...

His hands started to shake. Putting the box-cutter down, the dark-haired boy took a deep, calming breath and shut his eyes. Remember the darkness, he told himself. Remember the safety it held. Go back to that. At first, the faces struggled with the barrier he was trying to put up, but after a while, the remnants of the pain he'd felt just moments ago caught up with them and banished them away.

They wouldn't be gone for long, but at least they were out of the way for the time being.

\---

_December 20_

The fresh smell of pancakes could still be detected in the downstairs bathroom, where Yuu was currently hiding out. He ducked his head into the inviting space his knees provided and wrapped his arms around himself for safety. The trick of closing his eyes was no longer working (he wasn't surprised; it usually didn't). However, instead of faraway, fuzzy images, he was seeing the faces as clearly as he did in daylight. Cutting no longer worked, nor did any source of pain. Lavi had walked in on him breaking his leg yesterday and had been suitably annoyed. The entire scene hadn't gone well, and Yuu had ended up in his bed alone that night. He hadn't slept.

The exhaustion made it worse, made all the faces come into even sharper focus, like a nightmare that was becoming more and more real. He wanted to break down and cry, but the tears wouldn't come, would never come. He'd sealed them all away. Even if he'd let some slip those few times in the last semester, they were behind a lead-reinforced vault and would never see the light of day again.

Which was kind of how he was feeling now: hopeless. Like he was going back in time to the days when smiles felt far off and useless, when light flickered like fire and reeked of brimstone.

The pancakes were beginning to make him feel nauseous, so he decided it would be best to venture out of his hiding place and make the long trek upstairs. Opening the door cautiously, hoping no one would see him and decide it was a good time to talk--which it most definitely was not--he made his way up the steps. It was tough going, seeing as the faces kept swerving in front of him so that he couldn't see the stairs beneath him. It also didn't help that it was too bright. It was blinding, like having a migraine while staring directly at the sun--so much light that even sound faded away. How far did these steps go, anyway? It felt like he was climbing Mt. Everest, with the faces and the blinding light like a snowstorm blocking his path to the summit. 

Then suddenly, the storm lifted; his way to the top was open and he was only a few steps away. Grabbing the banister, he made his way up. He knew he was almost there, so even as the faces returned in all their disturbing glory, he knew he could make it. But there was something holding him back, like a pair of arms around his stomach, a face nuzzling into his back. And that was all the coherent thought that passed through his mind. 

Reacting on what was pure instinct, he pushed the offender away, not caring when the sightless silence was broken by a crash and a slew of curses, he just had to get away. From everything and everyone. He had to find a way to escape whatever torment that invader had in mind for him. He had to escape the memories and the vivid images that his mind kept throwing at him because he couldn't _function_ like this anymore. He just wanted to be left in peace. That was all he wanted. He didn't want to get better, he didn't want to smile, he didn't want to live in a life that was nothing but pain and a terror so constricting that it was like breathing molten metal and sinking into the blackest part of the ocean at the same time. It was freezing and burning, and he just couldn't take it anymore. Why wasn't someone stopping it? 

That was it. Why hadn't anyone stopped them, saved him when such a thing had been possible? Why had he been forced to endure such torment and then burdened to relive it day after day after day like it was his punishment for some cosmic wrong-doing? Why wasn't he allowed to get over it? Why wasn't he allowed to be normal, to say what was on his mind, to have friends, to sleep? It was like he wasn't living at all, but rather dying a million times over. It was purgatory, burning away all his sins--except that no sin deserved this punishment. Well, no sin he had ever committed. 

When finally he came to a rest, it was quiet. That was all he wanted to soothe his panicked mind. It was dark, too. That was also what he wanted. Maybe, if he stayed here, everything would go away, leave him in peace so that he could finally find a little of that rest he had longed for. It was quiet and it was warm, and finally, _finally,_ he fell asleep. 

\---

_December 20_

Lavi had decided that enough was enough. Today would be the day that he would just get everything out in the open. He was going to tell Yuu exactly how he felt and hope that he didn't destroy his roommate's trust in him completely by doing so. He'd made up his mind that he was going to make pancakes for breakfast and bring a plate to Yuu and then make sure his roommate couldn't run away. He was slightly worried, though; Yuu had been cutting a bit more than normal recently and hadn't exactly been a part of reality. But Lavi hoped that maybe if he confessed, it would snap the dark-haired boy out of it. 

He had just plated the pancakes--they were a little crisp, but still edible in Lavi's opinion--when a rather Yuu-chan-like squawk resounded from the living room area. The shout was followed by a loud crash and a series of Daisya-sounding curses. Tiedoll walked in, and the redhead saw him standing over what was indeed Daisya, who looked to have suffered a concussion. He was splayed in what could only be defined as an undignified lump, his limbs sprawled out around him and blood seeping slowly from his head. It was a good thing the carpet was dark, otherwise the stain could turn out ghastly.

But the source of the yelp from before the crash was nowhere in sight. His roommate's guardian did not look pleased in any definition of the word, and he also looked too peeved for any antonyms to properly fit the job. 

"I dunno wha' his probl'm was. I jus' came up ta hug him and he pushed me!" Daisya was slurring out as Tiedoll pulled him up and into the entryway.

"Lavi, get Lenalee to help you look for Yuu-kun. I'll be needing an explanation," the Frenchman shouted before closing the front door. Lavi stood in the living room for a few moments before going downstairs to save Lenalee from her brother and to plead for aid in the great Yuu-chan search. 

They searched the entire house, in every room, in every closest, under every piece of furniture--even outside, but no sign was to be seen of the dark-haired boy. They regrouped in the living room to try and think of anywhere they might have missed. 

"Did you look in the garage?" Lenalee asked her brother, who nodded and sat down. He had been the one in charge of looking outside. 

"How about Cross's room? We made sure to check there, right?" Lavi questioned, a little nervous for his roommate's whereabouts. They had been looking for a half hour already. 

"Well, where's the only place we haven't looked?" Lenalee thought out loud. 

The trio contemplated in silence for a moment until Lenalee exclaimed, "Of course! The attic! Lavi, you're tall enough, you go check!"

"You have an attic?" Lavi asked dumbly, a little perturbed that the answer could be so simple. Years with Bookman had taught him that nothing regarding humans was simple. Repetitive, yes, and catagorizable, but never quite... _simple_ , per se. Still, he needed to make sure Yuu was okay, needed to see that his only true friend would survive whatever awful molestation Daisya had inflicted upon him.

"Of _course_ we have an attic, Lavi!" Lenalee said, rolling her eyes. There was still a tightness around them, but she seemed intent on relieving the tension that had built up among the worried group the longer their search had gone. "Everyone has an attic!"

Lavi padded up the carpet-cushioned staircase, avoiding the tiny, dark pool of Daisya-blood, and looked upward once he'd reached the top. A little to his left, between the triangle made by the bathroom and Yuu and Lenalee's rooms, was the passage he was looking for. The handle was cold brass, but it felt soothing as Lavi pulled, revealing the one place they had yet to look.

Yuu was nestled in the corner amidst a den of musty, old-looking blankets and pillows. It was a bit dusty all around, but it was also dark. Its disuse would have appealed to Yuu, most likely. It looked like nothing had been stored here for years. Dust had been cleared away, and a tiny window had been cracked open to air it out. Obviously, even Yuu couldn't live in such filth. It would probably remind him of bad things. But then, most things seemed to do that anyway.

He made his way over to his roommate, careful not to disturb Yuu, who wasn't moving. Upon closer inspection, his breathing was even and slow, and his eyes moved rapidly beneath gold-dusted lids. The dark-haired boy was curled up in his refuge of blankets, his knees hugged to his chest with his strong arms securing them in place. He looked strained, even in sleep, like whatever he was dreaming was not something Lavi would readily volunteer to see. He would, though, if it was possible to take the dream from Yuu's mind and put it into his own.

With an effort he was not quite sure he possessed, Lavi lifted his roommate from his position on the floor and carried him to the ladder entrance. He came to quite a troublesome conundrum when he reached it, puzzling over how to get them both down without falling or dropping his heavy burden. At first he tried to go down backwards, but that ended with him nearly falling to his death (it was a good thing Komui came to his rescue), so, turning around, he tried again, this time taking slow, steady steps until he reached the carpeted haven beneath him.

He ferried Yuu to his room and settled him in his bed. It was a testament to how heavily he was sleeping that he didn't wake up. Removing the loose ponytail from his roommate's hair, Lavi slid in next to him, only pausing to kick off his shoes and socks.

Within moments, he had joined his roommate in sleep.

\---

It was early in the morning when he awoke--dazed, bleary, and unaware of his surroundings. He blinked. Once, twice, and several more times until the sleep was purged from his eyes. Wiping away the crust that had formed during the night, Yuu sat up. He was in his bed. He hadn't recalled getting there, but then, he couldn't recall much of the previous day. He remembered the last time this had happened. He'd had an attack then, so it was possible the same had happened this time. He'd have to apologize to whomever he'd hurt. He hated apologizing. It was degrading and embarrassing, but he couldn't deny that it needed to be done. Whatever he did when he wasn't aware of his actions always merited some kind of apology. Like the stupid restaurant incident earlier that year. Tiedoll had made him write an apology letter for that one.

Stupid Frogs.

Next to him, Lavi stirred. It was a nice change. Lavi had not been sleeping next to him lately, so having the redhead in his bed at all was something that made the corners of Yuu's lips tilt upward. Reaching down, he let his hands comb through Lavi's surprisingly silken hair. Obviously, he'd gotten in to Lenalee's hair products. Yuu wasn't horribly concerned--he was vain about his hair (he could admit it), and he only used women's shampoo and conditioner on it. If he was going to keep it long, he thought he should at least care for it properly.

Lavi stirred just a little, clung to Yuu's leg when he reached out for something solid. He started to mumble, and it took the dark-haired boy a little time to understand him.

"Yuu... 's'gotta... y'needda... pl'se dun..."

And then it became clear--or as clear as dream-speech could be.

"It hur's me whenya cut. I's painful... _stop_."

The last word was such a plea that Yuu lay back down, contemplating all the places he'd hidden knives. Come afternoon, he was going to hunt down all his box-cutters and throw them away. His self-destructive actions had hurt Lavi, and he'd never intended to do that. And the fact that Lavi had been the only one not to consciously tell him to stop meant more to Yuu than anything else. He hadn't realized that the redhead was actually suffering along with everyone else. Sighing, he pulled Lavi into his shoulder and let his eyes flutter closed again, murmuring a sincere apology.

One thing he realized as he drifted back off was that the faces were actually gone for once.


	18. For the Heart I Once Had

Chapter 18--For the Heart I Once Had

__To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed.

\---Anonymous

_December 24_

Lavi loved house-wide heating. It made everything warm and cozy, if a little crisp. He was currently huddled by a heating vent, letting the scorching blaze of air play across the surface of his body. He had a blanket curled around him to keep the warmth in. He'd never had a luxury such as this. It was very nearly like heaven to him. He thought that in a moment, he'd be seeing the pearly gates in all their shining glory, such was his bliss.

"I don't know, Daisya; Yuu is always the hardest to buy for. Just look, it's the day before Christmas, get him some socks or something." Marie and Daisya walked past his huddled mass in the living room, seeming to be completely unaware of his presence. 

They celebrated Christmas here? Oh, shit. The gears in Lavi's mind went into overdrive. If they celebrated Christmas, that meant he had exactly one day to grab up presents for everyone. He didn't have money, either, so he wasn't entirely sure how to get said presents. And he didn't really care for anyone except Yuu's, anyway. And maybe Lenalee's, since the Chinese girl had been such a good friend to him. He would, of course, need to get something for Tiedoll, too, seeing as the man was kind enough to let the redhead stay in his home.

But really. What was he going to get Yuu? He'd seen the boy go out with the car a few days prior but hadn't thought anything of it. Was it possible that Yuu had already purchased something for him? Panicked thoughts wracked his brain, turning his zen relaxation in front of the heater into something akin to a frozen nightmare. Abandoning the blanket and the subsequent warmth, heart beating quickly, Lavi got up and sought Lenalee out. She'd know what to do.

Scrambling up the stairs and through the hallway, he knocked tentatively at the dark-haired girl's door. 

"For the last time, Komui, no, I will not tell you what I got Allen for Christmas!" Came a rather perturbed shout from the room. A moment later, Komui stormed out, practically steaming with frustration.

"Uhh, Lenalee?" the redhead began nervously, mainly from knowing he had less that twelve hours to solve this problem.

The door to the Chinese girl's lair swung open quickly, and he was roughly and swiftly pulled into her den. 

"Sorry about that, Lavi, but you know how Komui is. What can I do for you?" Lenalee smiled sweetly at him, as if the loud screech a second ago had not been from her. 

If the redhead hadn't been so preoccupied with his current predicament, he might have commented on the fact that there was something that looked a lot like an Allen, white hair and all, hiding under the Chinese girl's bed. He looked rather pathetic, curled up in some kind of blanket with his gray eyes and most of his face peeking out like a confused, trembling mouse. However, the boy seemed content to stay in his little hidey-hole while Lavi invaded what had obviously been some kind of rough-housing session.

"Lenalee, I have a tiny problem." He began, not quite sure how to explain this lapse in his observational skills. 

"Well, tell me and we'll figure something out, won't we?" From the sound of Lenalee's voice, she didn't think whatever Lavi was freaking out about was too important. She looked like she just wanted to solve his problem and get back to business, but such was not the case when Lavi told her what was wrong. 

"I--I didn't know you all celebrated Christmas. I've never done it before, and I don't have anything for anyone."

Lenalee's face fell into a comical depiction of shock, complete with a jaw drop and bugged-out eyes.

"This is... a _travesty_."

Lavi knew that look, understood that tone with complete certainty. She'd gone into girly-mode. He bit back a smile. This was exactly what he'd wanted to inspire in her. For modesty's sake, he put a hand to the back of his head. "The only problem is... I don't have any money. What should I do?"

"Oh," Lenalee said, smiling and waving a hand, "don't worry about that! I'll cover you! I got this. You can pay me back by giving Yuu a big ol' kiss, 'kay?" The redhead's jaw dropped, and he began to stutter as his face turned red. He could feel the heat in his cheeks.

"Uh, Lenalee," he began, somewhat timidly, "I don't think he'd--"

"Oh please," she remarked, waving her hand a second time, "Yuu's wanted you to do that forever! He thinks you're really, really hot--so go for it!" She smiled brightly, looking earnest.

Lavi raised his hands defensively and took a breath to reiterate his position, but then he realized the idea was futile and shut his mouth, stuffing his hands into his jeans pockets while he did so.

<3

Malls on Christmas Eve were packed, but they stayed open quite late, and somehow, Lavi managed to grab something for everyone. Most of the gifts were small, and a lot of them were more practical than whimsical, but he figured they'd do. Secretly, though, he was panicking. He did not want anyone--and Yuu especially--to hate what he'd gotten them.

And Yuu's gift wasn't even finished. By his reckoning, he only had a few hours to perfect what he wanted to make and present it to the boy he liked. He hoped it would go over well, because honestly, that kiss option was sounding better and better by the moment. He shook his head. He already had what he wanted to happen planned. It just wasn't probable that it would. So he begged Lenalee's help as he toiled into the wee hours of the morning, and when he finally crawled next to Yuu's sleeping form (the boy awoke briefly and wiggled toward the wall until they both had room on his tiny, slightly-wider-than-their-dorm-room's bed), it was with a dim, fragile hope flickering softly in his heart.

\---

_December 25_

There were times when Yuu really disliked Christmas. They usually came early in the morning when Daisya jumped on his bed, mounted him like a horse, and stuck jingly reindeer antler headbands atop his bedhead. They usually came when Daisya yelled into his ears to annoy him further, or when Daisya dropped mistletoe on his blearily blinking eyes--new to the world after a full night's rest, which was a phenomenon that was becoming rather common lately--and swooped down as if to kiss him.

As with every other year, Yuu pushed his adoptive brother away, smacking him quite satisfyingly across the face along the way. He smirked dangerously. "Off. _Now_."

Daisya scuttled from the room.

Now that Yuu thought of it, Daisya was kind of crab-like like that. He shook his head. No, the cobwebs of dreams had yet to lift entirely. Next to him, Lavi groaned, having slept through and completely missed the Christmas Morning Ritual, and tossed the blankets from over his head to the end of the bed. It was a definite feat of strength that only the redhead could properly indulge in. He looked positively heroic. Yuu smirked. Ah, sarcasm. A good way to heal the morning from Daisya pollution.

With a final heavy blink, the dark-haired boy threw back his own covers and emerged from the warmth of the little nest of sleepy comfort he'd made with Lavi. He twitched a little at his slightly delirious description. It sounded like they'd done something... grotesque.

Yuu didn't really have a problem with sex, per se. He no longer had terrified flashbacks while watching scenes during movies, although the occasional moan or groan from the rabbit-like fuckers in the next dorm room over could sometimes set him off. Regardless, he found himself able to feel comfortable with the idea, but he wasn't sure anything further for himself could be... achieved. Not that he wouldn't be able to perform properly--he just didn't think he could ever muster enough trust to lay naked in front of another again, to let himself fall into the bedsheets and let another touch him, feel him. He didn't think such an act could ever be possible for him, simply because he couldn't fathom a time when he would allow someone to be that close with him.

Yes, he liked Lavi. So much it hurt sometimes. But he could not imagine ever letting him that close. It didn't seem possible from where he stood at that moment, and sometimes that thought alone hurt the most. It seemed like such a contradiction, to like someone so much and yet at the same time be afraid to let them too close. His entire life was a contradiction, though. It was a mixture of hate and love, resentment and care. He hated and loved those close to him, resented and cared for them simultaneously. He hated that they cared, and cared that they cared. To put it simply, he was an idiot.

He liked Lavi, but there was no way his feelings were returned in that particular manner. Maybe. There were always those strange looks he shot the dark-haired boy, but those could mean a plethora of different things. Physical attraction, lust, friendship, trust, any number of varying emotions that Lavi was still discovering for himself.

And that was another problem. Lavi couldn't truly understand everything he was feeling yet. He'd only had a few months to gain the emotional maturity that every other non-Bookman learned over a lifetime. The redhead was expected to understand strange nuances in the feelings of others, but his lack of feeling them for himself could very well leave him unable to truly become as human as everyone else.

A heavy stomping emerged from the quiet distance. Sighing, Yuu steeled himself against the inevitable intrusion. Sure enough, the door flew open, snapping against the stop that Yuu had insisted be installed in his room after his first few weeks in this house. He'd gone, shaking, to Lenalee's room on an ironically bright and cheery Saturday. Hardening his will against the supreme invasion of another's presence, he had knocked quietly on her door. He still hadn't known English very well at that time, so his explanation had been halting and confusing, but the Chinese girl had listened smilingly to his query until she understood. She'd then gone directly to her brother, dragging Yuu by the hand (not his choice) to the basement, where the enigmatic Komui resided. Minutes later, the man emerged with a hammer, a few nails, and a doorstop procured from one of the bathrooms. It was gold with white accents, and it still looked horribly out of place in Yuu's spartan, colorless room.

The doorstop once again withheld the true destruction that would have been inflicted on the wall had it still been in the bathroom. Tiedoll, not surprisingly, was in the doorway.

"Yuu-kun! It's eight thirty! Where the hell is breakfast!?" The Frenchman exclaimed, beaming, causing the redhead to stir. It wasn't surprising that Tiedoll was so flustered. Never before had the Japanese youth had the urge to sleep in, so every Christmas before this one, he had been up before everyone else (Daisya exempted) and making breakfast. It had become kind of a tradition, Yuu supposed. Not one that he particularly cared for, but one nonetheless.

Grumbling a little bit (he really didn't want to get out of bed), he pulled himself from the mattressy recesses. Not bothering to get dressed for the day, he made his way downstairs in his pajamas.

Naturally, no one but Tiedoll and Daisya was awake. Nor, it seemed, was anyone else planning to awaken from the deathsleep the household seemed to suffer for another several hours. By the time Lenalee and Allen emerged (yawning, rumpled, and holding hands--the dark-haired boy sometimes wondered how Komui could still be so blindingly oblivious to the horrendously obvious), the pancakes were stone cold. And had been for several hours. Lavi came down just a few minutes after the love-twats, followed by a very hungover Cross, his _femme du jour_ , and a caffeine-hungering Komui.

The late beginning to the day meant that stockings were avoided in order to ready the house for company. Yuu always dreaded this part, seeing as he hated Tiedoll's family. Cross usually had a hooker or two over, but they often kept to the slut-den (Cross's room). Tiedoll's family, however, was always a scene. Yuu still remembered his first Christmas here. It hadn't been pleasant.

_As usual, he hid in his closet. It was the only safe place to be. Lenalee had said that Christmas was happy, but all Yuu could think of it was that it was loud and obnoxious and horribly unsafe. There were so many people in the house, all screaming and yelling and "having a good time," and it scared him. They all looked like they could turn on him and snap him apart, limb by limb. Or maybe just pop his head off. He was sure that the people downstairs were capable of it. Lenalee had explained that they were "hicks," whatever that meant._

_He still couldn't really understand English, and they spoke so strangely. He had tried going downstairs (Tiedoll had insisted), but within an hour, he had had to retreat. Snuggling down into his safety net of pillows and blankets, Yuu tried not to think about it. The darkness was good, and even though there were people downstairs, they weren't the faces. And the faces couldn't hurt him in the dark anyway. Safe. He was safe._

_Hunger eventually gnawed at his stomach, and the dark-haired boy remembered that he hadn't eaten in maybe three days now. If he kept throwing his food away, people would get suspicious. And Tiedoll had said he was supposed to eat, even if he didn't feel like it. And Lenalee gave him that_ look _if he didn't clean his plate._

_And besides, hunger was finally starting to come back. He hadn't truly felt it in a very, very long time (since the darkness started, he thought), but it had begun seeping back into his soul, and now he was having trouble going without food and water and even physical comfort (but only from Lenalee) for prolonged periods of time. This was very dangerous. If he started to crave these things again, the faces would just take the good things away once more. And he couldn't have that. But still, hunger was hunger, and he really needed a meal. Especially one that Tiedoll hadn't made. Marie and his girlfriend (a scary girl with lots of hair who looked a little bit like a pug) had toiled away throughout the day, inspiring many cries of words that Tiedoll said he wasn't allowed to say but which he found interesting and noteworthy._

_Abandoning his bastion of hope, he flew, shadow-like, down the stairs and into the kitchen. His small hand was just curling around the refrigerator's handle when the intruders entered the kitchen. He dove for the kitchen table, and he made it underneath with little time to spare. The voices of the intruders were entering the room. Once again, he was thankful for the festive tablecloth that Tiedoll had placed on the table. It hung to the floor, and though it was lacy and horrific-looking, it served the very noble purpose of hiding. With very little noise, he crawled over to the very corner at the opposite end of the table and waited._

_"Froi, I understand where you're coming from, but just..._ why _? He's obviously disturbed--"_

_"Yes, exactly, and that's why he needs--" Tiedoll sounded a little bit flustered._

_"--Needs what? A guardian? He could get that in a foster home!"_

_"He_ is _in a foster home! I'm still working on the adoption procedures. They should go through by the end of the month." That was news. Of course, Yuu didn't know how these things were actually supposed to work, and it was irrelevant to his immediate survival, so it didn't matter. Such information could be discarded. All that mattered was that the faces didn't return. He was sure they would, despite being an ocean away. Things never happened the right way with him. His parents hadn't exactly been nice, and then he'd lost his_ onee-san _, and then there had been the faces. So he was sure they'd return, just to haunt him further. He didn't trust them to go away. Not ever._

_"Yes, I know. You've been wiping the fact in our faces for the past few weeks."_

_"Mother, I haven't_ wiped _\--"_

_"You have. And besides, don't you have enough freeloaders in this house?"_

_"_ Maman _, they aren't freeloaders! They're my_ children! _" Tiedoll sounded furious. Yuu didn't like when the Frenchman was furious. It made him curl up and want to go sit in the dark. It was very difficult to keep the faces away when the white-hot anger of Tiedoll's ire came._

_"Why don't you get yourself a wife, then, and have proper children?"_

_"And we're back to this again? I've told you that I don't want a woman in this house. You know this--_ you _were the one who set me up with that disaster with a rack."_

_"She was good for you, dear."_

_"She threw away my paint. That paint cost nearly fifty bucks for a small tube! Then she got drunk and vomited on my concept art for Marie's birthday present and chopped one of Lenalee's pigtails off!"_

_"Why do you even bother with them?" The woman seemed to be referring to the Chinese girl and her terrifying brother._

_"Komui and Lenalee needed a place to stay, and it's not like I don't have the money for it._ Maman _, I'm the reason you're living in the house you are."_

 _"Yes, but you will get murdered if you keep the boy. He's_ dangerous _, Froi!" The woman exclaimed._

_"That is ridiculous, Yuu couldn't hurt a fly!"_

_Yuu had killed many flies. Stupid Frenchman._

_"He's unstable. You don't know when he may snap and hurt you or one of your_ 'children _.'"_

_"Yuu is just a child; he deserves the chance I can give him. As long as I am alive, I will give him a place where he can feel safe. Even if he never trusts me completely, it is my duty to give him a place where, even if he never believes it, he will never be harmed. He is my son, adopted or not, and it will always be that way." Tiedoll's voice was stern, forceful._

_There was a series of exasperated sounds and then the clomping of heavy footsteps leading away from his hiding place. Someone still stood in the kitchen, though, and Yuu focused on them. He recognized Tiedoll's boots and their familiar squeak as they moved across the floor to the refrigerator. The Frenchman rummaged around for a few minutes, and the sound of utensils scraping on a plate resonated through the room. The familiar buzz of a microwave was next. After a minute or two, the same footsteps made their way back to his hiding place._

_"Try to eat all the vegetables, please," Tiedoll asked as he set the plate of food on the floor. The frizzy-haired man left the room. Yuu merely scoffed and ate the food provided, hiding there until the house became quieter and Lenalee came looking for him._

That had also been the year when his "aunt's" dog had been tragically traumatized because it had decided to bite him. It hadn't let go and Lenalee had had to hit it over the head with one of Tiedoll's paintings. It had been a scandal that still set Tiedoll's family on edge.

Yuu smirked at that. Aunt Leslie always gave him a particularly dark scowl each time she set "Muffy-kins" on the ground in the same room as her most hated nephew. He almost hoped that she would bring that damned chihuahua with her today, just so that he could set Lavi on it.

As the dark-haired boy set to work preparing the feast that would hopefully keep the large ravenous mob fed for the next week, Lavi had finally woken up enough to decide that he wanted to "help." Sighing, Yuu handed his roommate a knife and told him to chop vegetables while he began preparations on the turkey. When he looked around after removing the turkey's plastic bag of internal organs, though, he realized his mistake.

"No, Lavi, you idiot!" He hissed, not bothering to wash his hands as he hurled himself to the other side of the island. Without thinking, he flung the knife from Lavi's hand. It clattered to the floor and was immediately forgotten. "You _don't_ hold a knife like that! Living on your own with only Bookman, I figured you'd at least be able to cook a little!" He didn't understand why he was so enraged, so relieved that the knife was not about to fall down on Lavi's fingers.

To his surprise, the other boy lowered his head, drooping like a wilting flower.

"Bookman cooked sometimes." Lavi's voice was muted in disappointment. "But usually, we ate fast food or boxed meals."

Yuu scowled for half a moment, but then he realized that he was just making it worse. And it was Christmas, so as much as he might want to flay the idiot before him, he couldn't justify doing so. Sighing again, he walked back to the sink and washed his hands. "You should too," he said to Lavi as an afterthought, beckoning with his head to the running water. The redhead got the message and came over. Fetching a new knife from the drawer, Yuu abandoned the turkey and returned to the vegetables with his roommate.

Quickly, he demonstrated the proper way to hold a knife. He then cut a few slices of the onion so that the other boy could see. Then, though Lavi was taller, Yuu moved behind him and guided his hands as he cut. With the onion soon demolished and properly diced, Yuu decided it was time to move back to the turkey. But his hands were on Lavi's. He'd never really noticed before, but the boy's hands were dry and rough. Dry from the bitter wind and rough from the heavy calluses that blotted Lavi's hand like the ink stains he oftentimes bore. Still, they were big in comparison to his own, and warm, despite the chill that winter drilled into everyone's bones. Yuu liked the feel of them, imperfect as they were (his own were well moisturized, a fact for which he had Lenalee to thank). He didn't want to let go.

Lavi hadn't moved in a while, not since the onion had been finished off, and Yuu was getting a bit antsy. Surely staying in this position wasn't exactly conducive to a proper we're-just-buddies relationship. Which was what they were, no matter what Yuu secretly wanted. But he could not make himself let go. In fact, he felt himself shift just a little closer--a shuffle of a foot and the rustling of hair as he leaned farther in to Lavi's back. He felt so at home, so comfortable and safe, just like he had in the dark confines of his closet.

Lavi was his closet, he realized, his dark, safe haven from the horrors of the outside world. All he needed was to be near the redhead, and the faces diminished. When they slept in the same bed, his nightmares melted away into nothing. When people were being irritating (even the redhead himself), all he had to do was see the boy smile, and his anger simply fell away. Being around the boy was cleansing, like a first sip of tea.

He didn't want to let go, never wanted to let go.

The redhead shifted, and Yuu made to back away, but Lavi's big hands were abruptly on his forearms, anchoring him in place as the other boy turned around. He still didn't want to move. The linoleum of the kitchen floor became wet cement that engulfed his feet and trapped them in place.

He wasn't going anywhere.

Looking up, he nearly did a double take. Lavi looked down at him with a strange, unidentifiable expression in his eyes. It was soft but also hard, sweet and yet resolute. The dark-haired boy couldn't determine what it meant. It probably meant he should get the hell out of there.

In a heartbeat, they were closer. Yuu didn't know who had moved, but it must have been Lavi, as his feet were still stuck in the linoleum. Stuck like fondant to a cake.

He realized he was staring at Lavi's lips and had been for quite some time--ever since he'd dropped his gaze from the boy's eyes. They were red. _Of course they're red, you idiot, now grow some brain cells!_ He scolded himself. The thought faded as quickly as did the space between them.

"Them" being their lips, both pairs of which were red.

Not that it mattered.

Lavi's breath hit his face just as the doorbell rang. Tiedoll's relatives didn't even bother to wait any longer than the first chiming tone, they simply barged in, making noise and obscene language as they went.

Blushing heavily, Yuu returned to the turkey.

\---

Dinner, quite frankly, could have been better. For starters, the turkey had turned out just a little too dry. Thankfully, the gravy had turned out wonderfully, and it helped mask the very evident need for water. But it wasn't his culinary failures that bothered Yuu half as much as did the company.

The Tiedolls were a raucous bunch. A good portion of the Frenchman's family hailed from Florida via Kentucky or Ohio (they were never really specific on the details). Yuu's guardian had five bothers and two sisters, all of whom were married and had, at the minimum, two children. The oldest nephew was a college drop-out who had joined the army and had come back a bitter, racist pothead who hated everything and everyone who had anything bad to say against his choice of livelihood or girlfriend. He'd had three in the last year and had fathered a child with the first. Tiedoll's youngest sister was in from Tallahassee, and it seemed that even hundreds of miles away, the snide remarks and bad perfume just could not be left behind. 

Now, it had never been stated, but it was plainly obvious that each sibling hated every other one in their own way. For many different reasons, those hatreds were born into the offspring of said siblings. So, as Yuu had remembered earlier, because of Aunt Leslie and her "puppy-wuppy," Tiedoll--and because he was considered a part of the Froi Tiedoll household, Yuu--and the entire table seemed to be radiating a distinctly sinister aura during the supposedly Hallmark moment of Christmas dinner.

"How is the art, Froi?" Aunt Hélène--the youngest sister--asked. It was obvious that she was still bitter about his success in the field. Once upon a time, she had been an artist too, but she'd given it up long ago (as she often rambled on about) for a position as a secretary in a law firm.

"It's going well," Tiedoll replied genially, smiling at his sister as if oblivious to her negativity. "I actually just sold a large piece that I finished a year ago. I believe I was talking about it last Christmas--the one with the storm hitting Boston Harbor?"

"Is that so?" Aunt Hélène said, stabbing her large slice of turkey breast with an ample amount of animosity. She looked like she was taking great pleasure in sawing off her next bite-sized piece.

"Yes, it went for quite a price."

"And how about that son of yours, Froi?" Uncle Serge chipped in. He was now joining Aunt Hélène in their favorite game--Froi-baiting.

"Which one?" Tiedoll asked. "You may not have noticed, but I have three." There was just a bit of an edge to his voice, and Yuu knew why. The inevitable why-did-you-adopt-that-shit-for-brains-Jap conversation. Lavi's hand had found his under the table sometime between the mashed potatoes and the stuffing, and it tightened around his. Even the redhead could read the tension in the air. That was what he had been trained to do, after all.

"You know which one we're--"

"I'm getting married," Marie interrupted. As always, Yuu felt an affinity toward his adoptive brother. The man knew how to distract the Tiedolls away from him. He was never successful for long, but usually he provided enough time for the dark-haired boy to make his escape.

The conversation turned away from Yuu for the moment as the family started in on criticizing Miranda, who, of course, apologized profusely for every comment they made about her, good or bad.

"You alright?" Lavi asked quietly, obviously trying to keep the rest of the family from hearing. Yuu shook his head, not sure if he was indicating that he wasn't okay or that he didn't want to talk. Maybe it was a bit of both.

"Nice rack--always a good attribute in a woman!" Boomed Uncle Serge. Yuu caught Lavi rolling his eyes. He smirked in return.

"I'm sorry!" Miranda squeaked, as if having a nice set was an injustice against humanity.

The family set in on Daisya next, transitioning almost flawlessly from Miranda and Marie's faults to his own. As usual, they had little to say, as even Daisya knew better than to behave wildly around mixed company. And he went to Yale. He could do no wrong in the Tiedolls' eyes.

Inevitably, the conversation turned back to Yuu.

"And your youngest son?" Prompted Aunt Leslie, glaring hatefully at the dark-haired boy. He glared back with the same intensity. His loathing for the woman knew no bounds. Inside her handbag, Muffy-kins yipped.

"Ah, Yuu's been doing very well lately--you know he's now at Harvard?" The old man was boasting.

Disbelief struck the family's faces. No one believed it, that was obvious.

"Really?" Asked Tiedoll's mother, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes. He even brought a friend home with him for break. Lavi's having a few... _euh_... familial issues." **

"Family issues?"

Tiedoll had inadvertently stoked the flames of his family's judgmental ire. Yuu smelled smoke. His danger sense was tingling--or maybe it was just Lavi constricting the flow of blood from his hand.

" _Euh_ , yeah. His family... is having a few differences in regards to... education," Yuu's guardian said, looking away in a manner that indicated his complete and utter desire to escape this conversation.

"Really?"

Yuu knew Aunt Leslie, and once she raised her eyebrow so high that it got lost in her thinning, graying bangs, there was no escape from the third degree. A minuscule droplet of sweat fell from Tiedoll's temple.

"So, Lavi, was it?" Aunt Leslie's attention had abruptly switched topics. The poor redhead nodded his head. "What exactly does this difference involve?"

Lavi spluttered, and some cranberry juice (like Yuu, he had refused to be inebriated around the imbeciles) dribbled down his chin.

"His life story isn't your concern," Yuu said coldly, standing up in the attempt to distract attention. He'd ignited the spark, fanned the flames, and suddenly a forest fire began to rage.

"And what of yours? It's not like we didn't watch the news." Yuu froze. This was not something that needed to be discussed. 

"Well, if you know so much about him, then you should know to stay the fuck out of it," Lavi said bravely, standing up next to him. Aunt Leslie's face drooped a little. Her eyebrow fell to a normal altitude.

"Don't you talk to my wife like that, you homeless prick!" Uncle Ulysses, a scrawny, pale slip of a man, roared, standing up in his apparent fury. Why Aunt Leslie had married him was still a mystery to Yuu, but then, idiots attracted.

"Don't call Lavi that, you coke-dealing pedophile!" Now Lenalee was standing, and Yuu blinked at the sudden movement. A solitary tear fell down the Chinese girl's face, but whether it was anger or another, more sinister emotion, Yuu couldn't tell.

Uncle Ulysses spluttered, his beady eyes slitting in disgust. His stormy salt-and-pepper monobrow obscured his lids until only the angry shine of his pupils was visible. Unable to stand the inevitable explosion (Uncle Ulysses was like a stratovolcano--once he built up enough pressure, he blew), Yuu quietly stood up and walked mechanically to the living room. He tried to block out the plainly audible argument from the other room, but it was impossible. He heard Uncle Ulysses finally come up with a retort that somehow managed to discredit Lenalee, insult Lavi, and trash-talk Yuu himself.

Lavi's response, if possible, was louder.

"What the hell do you _mean_ , street-begging whore!? Do you even _know_ about his past!? Do you even _know_ that he spent most of his nights in a cold basement, naked, being forced to give up his body to anyone who could pay!!? No? He hasn't told you that? Well, maybe it explains a few things to you! You don't have the _right_ to slander his name, because all he's tried to do since he escaped that place is _heal_ , but it's a little hard with people JUMPING DOWN YOUR THROAT at the mere thought of perhaps NEEDING A FAMILY to help him get through it all! Have you seen him cry--I mean really _cry_ \--because he's so upset about what happened to him? Have you seen him cut? And don't you dare interrupt me about that! You know why he cuts? Because pain makes it _go away_! He sees the faces of the people who did this to him _every day and night_ , and the only time he's able to escape it is when his mind is distracted enough by pain! So don't you _ever_ say another bad thing about him, because he's been through more shit than you could ever survive, and he _lived_ , and he's still doing his best to live beyond it!"

,

Yuu's ears rang in the silence that followed.

The quiet continued for a few more moments until someone cleared their throat awkwardly. The dark-haired boy focused on that strange and familiar spot on the wall, next to the tv and across from the vase, hoping that any following explosions would be dulled by the intense fascination his brain held for that tiny, irregularly-shaped section of wall that had once been coated with paint but was now peeled away to reveal the previous shade of puce.

Soft, almost tentative footsteps made Yuu look up, more because he did not want to be attacked by a lurking Daisya than because he wanted to know who was there. He was glad that all he saw was a rabid shock of red hair. Lavi was safe to be around. Always. He let his gaze hold, just like he had with the wall, only this time, there was more emotion and less please-let-this-situation-go-away in his eyes.

The redhead situated himself next to Yuu on the couch, just far enough away to indicate he, too, felt how uncomfortable and awkward the outbursts in the kitchen had seemed to make the atmosphere. It wasn't at all how Christmas was supposed to feel. Hell, Yuu couldn't even remember what a happy Christmas was. His father had always insisted that Christmas take place with everyone gathered around the tree at the same time. Presents were unwrapped exactly at ten in the morning, stockings having been done before breakfast. The family would then get ready for the annual trek across Japan to visit his mother's mother, who passed away a year before his parents had. They would spend the day there or until one of his parents left to fix an emergency at work. He'd be left with his _obaa-san_ until his parents could return. The wizened old lady would sit in front of her TV the entire time, watching old soap operas in Korean, even though she didn't understand a word of it. Those years were the best, because when she had finally finished watching her programs, she'd take him into the kitchen and would make her special Christmas soba, which they would eat together while they watched the news. Afterward, she would give him a very generous portion of the store-bought Christmas cake Yuu's father had brought her.

He didn't want Lavi to remember his first Christmas as one ruined by bad family relations.

Holding up a finger as a gesture to wait, Yuu walked over to the tree and hooked an arm around the base, producing an immaculately-wrapped gift. Returning to Lavi's side, he placed it carefully in the redhead's lap.

"For you," he mumbled, and yeah, he blushed a little. In Japan, giving someone a gift--especially like the one he'd purchased for Lavi--was considered romantic. Though his father had not really subscribed to that rule, having grown up out of the country, his mother had.

"Oh!" Lavi's eyes went wide, and a moment later, he was dashing off to the kitchen. He returned moments later with two festively wrapped boxes--one about the size and proportions of a book and the other a long, skinny affair with a lot of ribbon and not a lot of mass. "You first! I spent all night making it perfect!"

His enthusiasm was starting to rub off, Yuu realized as he carefully slid a finger under the tape. Already he felt lighter, happier. It probably had a little bit to do with the redhead sticking up for him in front of Tiedoll's family (despite the fact that everyone now knew, generally, what had happened to him). But it also had to do with the look of unadulterated excitement lightening Lavi's features. And maybe the new jeans Lenalee had given his roommate as a Christmas present. They were tight and made his ass look good. Not that he was looking.

Yuu blushed.

"Unwrap it faster!" Lavi urged. Rolling his eyes, Yuu deliberately slowed his pace, just to bother the ex-Bookman apprentice just a little bit more. He was smiling slightly, though, which ruined the effect.

Inside the paper was a brand-new bento box, and at Lavi's insistence, he opened that, too. His stomach rumbled as the scent of cold soba reached his nose. He hadn't taken much dinner, so he was starving, and it looked so _appetizing_.

"Well, don't just sit there--unwrap your other gift so you can eat it!" Lavi said, smiling and gesturing to the long, thin gift at Yuu's side. The dark-haired boy smiled fully as the wrapping paper ripped away to reveal a handsome new pair of chopsticks. Yuu's family's kanji was engraved on one side of each chopstick, along with a leafy pattern that culminated in a lotus at the top. A lotus-patterned _hashioki_ came with the set.

"Wow, Lavi," Yuu said, for once lost for words. The redhead responded by ripping the chopsticks from his hands and stuffing a bite of the soba into the Japanese boy's mouth. The taste made him drool. Obviously, Lenalee had helped Lavi cook, as Yuu knew from that afternoon that his roommate inherently failed at anything to do with the culinary arts. The chopsticks somehow ended up in his hand again, and before he knew it, the bento was gone. Yuu hadn't realized he was that ravenous.

"Hungry there?" Lavi asked, laughing nervously.

"Shut it. And open yours."

"That's for me?" Lavi looked honestly shocked. Yuu rolled his eyes again.

"You're dense, _baka_. Just open the damned present." He was blushing. Still. He hated it.

His heart was pounding, too.

The dark-haired boy didn't look as his roommate opened the gift, but the unmistakable gasp of wonder made him glance over for a split-second. Lavi's face looked astonished and pleased, and Yuu wondered if the other boy felt that this was his first true Christmas present. Despite the jeans from Lenalee and the boxer briefs from Tiedoll. Both of which had been unwrapped before Yuu had started dinner.

Lavi opened the gift slowly, with reverence. His eyes went wide when he saw the lurid orange scarf inside the box. Immediately, the boy wrapped it around his neck, looking satisfied.

" _Ne_ , Yuu, now my neck won't be cold!" He exclaimed, grinning widely. His expression fell briefly.

"What?" The dark-haired boy asked.

"Uh, I guess I wanted to say that uh... oh, never mind." He looked away. With gentle fingers, Yuu pulled Lavi's face back so that they locked gazes.

"What is it?" Concern layered his voice. He hadn't meant for it to. _Oh well_ , he thought.

Lavi took a deep breath, as if he was steeling himself for something big. He was silent for nearly a minute, but just when Yuu was about to hit him and make him spit it out, Lavi began to speak, slowly and quietly.

"I'm really sorry, Yuu, and I know you're not really that interested in me and stuff, but, well, I guess I kinda-sorta really li--like you." He pulled against the Japanese boy's fingers so that he was looking away again. Apparently, the corner of the living room was just as interesting to him as it had been to Yuu just a few minutes previously.

He looked so nervous, so vulnerable, sitting there on the couch with the long scarf clashing with his hair. Yuu couldn't help it--his body moved on its own. Grabbing the ends of the scarves, he pulled the other boy close to him.

Their faces were close to each other, but there was a pause in the forward motion, a hesitation as Yuu worked up the nerve. _Oh, fuck it all_ , he thought. He forgot reality for a moment and let their lips connect, soft and sweet.

Annoyingly cliche as the phrase was, time stood still, just for a moment. Never before had Yuu put his feelings into physical form like this, and never before had he really wanted a kiss like this one. It was the closeness that had always disturbed him, repulsed him, but now he found himself mostly okay with it. Just him and Lavi and a Christmas scarf. This moment was theirs.

They broke the kiss as if by mutual agreement, both leaning back simultaneously. Yuu saw the awkward smile on Lavi's face and knew it was reflected on his own. Something not quite tangible passed between them, most likely through the eyes, though Yuu wasn't really picky as to where it went, just as long as he could smile more strongly and lean in once more.

They kissed again.

And fuck all the voyeurs talking and scoffing in the background. They didn't matter.


	19. Lazy Days

Chapter 19--Lazy Days

__Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

\---Anonymous

_December 26_

Lavi didn't know a lot about kissing or dating or relationships in general, but he couldn't help but bounce a little when Yuu left the room to use the bathroom. After they'd kissed, they had quickly retreated upstairs so that the relatives wouldn't see something that at this point they wanted private. And then they'd talked. Talked and talked and talked.

Well, no.

Lavi had talked. Chattered, really, but he wasn't really counting that. He'd been happy--overjoyed, even--and for once, the shadow Bookman had left in his departing wake had not appeared in the dark side of Lavi's brain.That thought also made his stomach flip and squirm in that really uncomfortable--yet oddly soothing--way that he had become accustomed to every time Yuu looked at him.

The conversation, once it could be discerned over the sound of Lavi's babbling, hadn't been that long. And Yuu had asked Lavi on a date. Well, sort of. It had been the wafting sound of Lenalee's voice through the vent that had told them to go out, and Yuu had taken the hint. But still, that meant they were going on a date.

The next morning, as he showered, Lavi hummed softly to himself, feeling rather contented, and let the pressure of the shower head pummel away the constant anxiety caused by Bookman's existence. While nothing else had been heard from the old man, the redhead nevertheless remained wary of possible attacks. He knew he was supposed to be terminated, and seeing as Bookman now knew he was still alive, he expected the final blow to come at any moment from any direction. Unlike his apprentice, Bookman could _sneak_ , could hide and strike him down, ancient though he was.

He let himself luxuriate in the shower for a while, a joy he usually was never allowed due to time constraints. It was nice just to sit and think. And just as it had been all morning, the second his brain was given any freedom, it was back to the kisses they had shared the previous night, both the first one (especially the first one) and the many that had followed, intermittently dispersed throughout the mostly one-sided conversation Lavi had led. Without realizing it, his brain was focusing on the exact sensation of Yuu's lips on his cheek, on his forehead, on his own lips, until he began to flush and had to turn the temperature down.

Shivering, he stepped out of the shower and pulled his towel close. With careful steps, he returned to Yuu's room, in which an extra bed had been made for him. The dark-haired boy was absent, having probably left to go downstairs at Tiedoll's request. Lavi carefully selected his clothes, dressed, and went to see if his hypothesis was correct.

It was, naturally, but Lavi had always had a good eye for getting the details (he thought he had heard Tiedoll yelling over the roar of the shower).

"Mornin', Yuu-chan!" Lavi said, coming up behind the Japanese boy. He waited for a fraction of a second before putting his arms around him from behind. To his surprise, Yuu did not flinch, though he was rather tense. He relaxed, first in his shoulders and then down his arms and back, after a few seconds. Which was good. He was making visible progress. Tiedoll hummed and smiled in what Lavi could only describe as a devious manner.

"Good morning, Lavi," Yuu said, though he sounded much less enthused. He turned around and slid his hands around Lavi's sides. Tiedoll left the kitchen, winking as he went. Lavi tried not to blanch. "You look a little pale, Rabbit, bad dreams, or was your shower just that cold?"

Lavi spluttered. "I-it... what are you...?"

"You know perfectly well what I'm saying." Yuu was barely an inch shorter than him, so he had to lean down to place his lips on Lavi's neck. "There, now you've got some color on you. Don't let it happen again."

"Eh?"

Yuu walked over to the cupboards and started getting ingredients out for pancakes. But what in the name of the Pillsbury Doughboy did he mean? And what was that little show? Yuu had obviously changed somewhat over the course of the last couple of hours, and Lavi didn't do well with change, didn't know how to react to it, sending him flying out into uncharted territory. Which was scary.

All through breakfast, Yuu did not speak. Then, after Lavi had finished and the dishes were done, he told Lavi to grab his coat and headed toward the door. His hand shot out at the wall, and he lifted a set of keys from the brass hooks by the door to the garage. He led Lavi to the car--a different one from the dark green Chevy minivan that Tiedoll drove. Gleaming, freshly waxed, a Honda Pilot awaited them. It was blacker than Yuu's hair and at least five times as lustrous. Lavi recalled seeing another car when he'd gotten here, but apparently his observational skills were atrophying away from disuse, wasting away into thin air.

"Wow, nice," he said. He did not have much knowledge of cars, Bookman having deemed it feeble and not worth tracking, but the sun was out and Lavi had never seen such shine in a car. The ones he was used to were caked in mud, frosted with loose dirt, and topped with at least six inches of heavy-duty armor. This was nothing like the tanks he had ridden in. Maybe he was growing a masculine fondness for cars.

"It wasn't this nice earlier. Marie must have cleaned it off. Idiot probably wanted to take Miranda somewhere. _Che_ , you snooze..."

"You think it's alright for us to take it?" Lavi asked. He fiddled with the safety belt just to have something to do with his hands.

"He'd have put a note on the fridge if he really wanted it. Agh, dammit, Marie, what is this drivel?" As the ignition caught and the motor flared, an old love ballad came on. There was a gratuitous amount of horn, and then the strings rose up in a crescendo. Yuu scowled deeply. Reaching above Lavi's head, he pulled a disk from the sun visor and switched it out. An explosion of sound issued forth, carrying with it a bass line that shook the whole car. The loose change in the passenger-side's door jingled to the beat. Lavi smiled. This was very Yuu.

The gleaming automobile made its way down the quintessential suburban no outlet and out into the equally quaint old style city. It still held bits of its rustic 1600's charm, the red brick standing starkly out from the piles of snow that seemed to be trying to obscure every surface with its deadly fluff. Lavi hated the snow. He hated how the northern and eastern states always seemed to have an overabundance of it.

"So, Yuu, where are we going?" The redhead asked as they passed the shopping mall Lenalee had taken him to the day before and pulled into a driveway a few blocks down. 

"We're going to see a movie," Yuu said simply, turning the wheel abruptly and settling the car into its parking place.

"Really?" He'd never been to a movie theater before. Yeah, he'd seen movies, but never like most people did and they were never movies in the entertainment sense. They had always been historical films, or recordings of secret proceedings. He was suddenly really excited.

"Yes, really. Now come on, it'll be starting soon." 

They exited the car and entered the tall, glass-walled building where Lavi was immediately hit with with the strong smell that had to be something between grease, charcoal, and that weird black stuff that was scrapped off the inside of a fryer at a McFood Stand once a month. But then they passed the concession stands and it all sort of made sense. 

He waited off to the side as Yuu went and procured their tickets from the kiosk. The line was pretty long, so he took the time to take everything in. He didn't want to miss anything. The place was packed full of people. Children giggled excitedly as their parents led them down the various hallways filled with doors; the dark blue carpet was stained with popcorn and soda and the occasional bit of pizza; there were cardboard cutouts of actors, though Lavi felt a bit out of his league here, seeing as he had no idea who any of them were. But all awkwardness was soon forgotten as a hand came to rest on his upper arm and slowly lead him away from his little spot next to the poster for the "next big teen romance" that was based on that shitty book that a girl in some campus coffee shop had been jabbering about. 

They made their way through the crowd of people that had gathered at the usher's station to be told where their theaters were. The tickets were taken and they moved down the hall. Fourth door on the left. The auditorium was large and the crowd was dispersed through the several levels of seats. They chose--well, Yuu chose, because he was leading the way, but that was beside the point--two seats around the middle of the row, three or four rows from the bottom. Lavi couldn’t get an exact count at that moment because theater-goers were packing into the theater like people on the subway in Japan during rush hour, and there was a rather indignant child kicking his heel as his dark-haired companion pulled him into his seat. 

The crowd dispersed to their seats as the lights in the theater dimmed. Lavi fidgeted in his seat--being in the dark with a group of people he didn’t know at his back made him uncomfortable. Like he was inviting one of them to stab him in the back. The screen flickered to life with a commercial for the National Guard. The redhead nearly leapt into the air when someone kicked the back of his chair. He strained to hear over the booming speakers and his eyes were trained on the entrance-way. It just got worse with each passing preview; there was just so much to take in. So much that he could be missing, like the whole of the movie, or the enjoyment he was supposed to be getting out of this--spending time with Yuu. Instead he was paranoid about every crunch of every kernel of popcorn in the background.

Something grabbed his hand and he froze.

“Lavi, relax, will you?” A voice whispered sharply to him.

The redhead forced himself to relax, leaning back into the stiff, slightly rough seat. Looking over at his companion, he tried to smile, but it came out all awkward and obvious that he was still nervous.

Yuu looked at him with understanding, and then turned his attention back to the screen. Then he smirked, that same sardonic, confident smile that he would always give and said, “Do you really believe that I would take you somewhere that he could find you without me noticing? I won’t let him hurt you; I swore that I would protect you, so enjoy the movie and _relax_.”

And he didn’t let go of Lavi’s hand. Not that the redhead minded at all.

Yuu had chosen well, Lavi thought. There was a lot of action and a bit of shooting, but there was no war and it seemed like it was meant as a parody. Lavi had no experience on which to rely, but he thought the actors spoke their lines well.

About twenty minutes in, Yuu’s hand left his. He’d been slowly taking popcorn piece-by-piece with his left hand, always keeping a secure hold on Lavi with his right. Its presence was replaced with a cold wind. Lavi looked over at Yuu. Then the hand moved to his knee.

The touch shouldn’t have felt electrifying, but it did. After a few moments, Yuu’s thumb started to move, gently caressing in that mindless back-and-forth motion. Oddly enough, it soothed him, though not enough to flatten the hairs on the back of his neck.

As the movie went on, Lavi’s attention drifted more and more to the hand, which seemed to be travelling somewhat. Like it had a Lavi Metro card and could go wherever it damned well wanted on his body. It scooped inside his thigh the higher it went.

“ _Relax_ ,” Yuu hissed at him. Lavi leaned toward Yuu’s ear. That just allowed the hand to move further inward.

“How can I?” He whispered.

Yuu smirked. On screen the main character and his female sidekick were staring at each other with what Lavi supposed was lust but which actually looked a lot more like constipation on the woman’s part. Yuu’s hand moved back to safer territory and then went straight to the junction of his hip and thigh. Lavi hoped his gasp didn’t carry. The room was pretty large.

\---

To be honest, Lavi couldn’t say he remembered much of the film. Though nothing untoward had gone down, he could barely recall anything but the feeling of Yuu’s hand running over the top of his thigh.

Near the end of the film, Yuu had leaned in to make a derogatory comment about one of the characters. He spoke gently in Lavi’s ear, far closer than necessary, his lips brushing the shell of his ear just tentative enough to incite a shiver down Lavi’s spine.

“Are you hungry?” Yuu asked as they got into the Pilot. A bit of road dust now mingled along the bottom of the car’s frame.

“Yeah,” Lavi said. Actually his stomach had the wiggles. Yuu’s hand was in his again.

“I’m taking you to the good Greek place, then,” he said.

“Okay.”

The drive was a little long, maybe twenty minutes, and when they got there, it was packed. On the outside, the yellow building was decorated with columns and olive leaves. Thankfully it was done in actual Greek style--though Lavi had never been to a Greek restaurant before, he’d seen the exterior decorations of several done in Roman arches, which was just plain insulting. Yuu held the door open for Lavi, and the redhead smiled at him. He was being such a perfect gentleman it was almost scary. Lavi feared that someone had given him a lobotomy.

They had to wait in line to reach the hostess. “How many?” She asked.

“Two,” Yuu said.

“And the name?”

“Kanda.”

Nope. That was Yuu alright. He was glaring at the hostess.

“Your wait will be about forty minutes, is that alright?” The hostess asked with a tight smile. Yuu nodded.

“ _Baka_ ,” he said as they walked over to stand in a less populated corner.

“What did she do to you?” Lavi asked.

“Fucking bimbo tried to get Daisya kicked out of here once. Has the gall not to remember the name of the man who almost got her fired.” Yuu clenched his unoccupied fist (they were still holding hands).

“Oh.”

“Did you like the movie?”

“Bit keen on changing the subject, are you?” Lavi stuck out his tongue.

“Shut up and answer the question.”

“It’s a bit difficult to do both at once.” Yuu raised an eyebrow and managed to look menacing at the same time. “I liked it.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah, the acting was good.” Not this topic. Anything but this topic. Lavi considered himself smart. He also considered himself to be a good liar (when need be), but for the first time he understood how his classmates felt when the big test came up. He’d watched the movie, but he hadn’t retained a thing.

Yuu’s scowl slowly rose until he was smirking. There was a glint in his eye as he spoke. “Was it? I thought the woman who played Samantha was rather wooden.”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that...” Lavi wrung his brain for any droplet of information that could help move this conversation forward without incriminating himself. He remembered the big explosions. “Great effects, though.”

“Tell me, Lavi,” Yuu said, getting closer. “Did you actually pay attention?”

“No,” Lavi said. His head drooped a little.

“Good. Because it was a piece of filth. I got bored, so I decided to mess with you. I’m glad it worked.” His smirk grew as he put a bit more distance between them. They were in public, after all.

Lavi blushed.

“Next time I’ll take you to a better film, okay?” Yuu said. Lavi nodded.

They managed to amuse themselves until they were called to their table. It was quaint and in a corner--nowhere near the window, but at least it was private. They were in a small alcove next to some four-person booths. Lavi thought he recognized someone’s voice, but he wrote it off as nothing. If he wasn’t hallucinating it entirely, the voice probably belonged to someone from a class he’d had.

Once at the table, a busser came by and asked for drinks. Lavi ordered water (“can I have a lime slice instead of a lemon slice?”) while Yuu ordered tea (“green, if you have it. And none of that Lipton shit.”). The busser rolled his eyes but scrawled their orders down and went off.

When their drinks arrived, Yuu swiped Lavi’s straw from the table. “Here, you’ll enjoy this. I think it’s stupid, but Tiedoll and Lenalee used to always do it to attempt to cheer me up. Idiots.” He tapped the straw on the table a few times, such that the paper wrapper began to slide down and gather near the bottom. When it was all compact, Yuu removed the wrapper and set it on the table. He stuck the straw into Lavi’s drink and then pressed his thumb to the top of the straw. Carefully, he moved the straw out of the water, bringing it to hover over the wrapper. Removing his thumb with just as much concern, a single drop of water hit the bundled wrapper, causing it to extend, snakelike. Lavi smiled--he’d never seen this trick before.

“That’s so cool!” Lavi exclaimed, watching as Yuu let another drop fall on the end that hadn’t been saturated enough. He clapped with glee.

“Told you you’d like it,” he said, relinquishing Lavi’s straw to the water. He had that look on--the one with the fond smile that usually preceded a hair ruffling.

After dinner (super tasty, in Lavi’s opinion) Yuu took him to a small, local ice cream parlor and let him go crazy with his order. They sat talking for a while, Lavi intermittently offering Yuu large bites of his double-scoop tower of chocolate-peanut butter delight. He wouldn’t touch it and seemed to find Lavi’s gummiworm-laden creation repulsive.

They got home around ten thirty. They tried to be quiet, but as they opened the adjoining door from the garage to the house, they noticed Tiedoll in the kitchen. He was wearing something terrifyingly frilly. Lavi knew, logically, that it had to be an apron, but even when he shook his head to clear it, the pastel floral pattern would not compute. The Frenchman was singing quietly to himself in his mother tongue, scraping at dishes while swaying his hips in what could be interpreted as a sort of dance-in-place exercise.

Beside Lavi, Yuu snorted. “Let’s leave him, I don’t want to deal with that.”

He grabbed Lavi’s hand and hurried him up the stairs and into his room. Then he closed and locked the door. Lavi sat down on the other boy’s bed. Yuu joined him.

And then they just sort of sat there, awkward, shifting, not quite knowing what to do.

“Hey, Yuu?” Lavi said finally.

“Yeah?”

“I, uh, had a good time... today.” He stared down at his twiddling thumbs, feeling all jittery.

“Me too.” Yuu’s voice was soft. Uncharacteristic though it might seem, he sounded like he’d let down some defenses.

“I don’t get it,” Lavi thought, and abruptly realized he’d said it aloud.

“Get what?” Yuu asked.

“Uh, nothing.” More thumb twiddling was needed. He started to kick his legs, just to get some of the weird energy out.

“No, what?”

“Why are you all... like this?” Lavi gestured broadly at Yuu’s torso.

“That gives me nothing. Be specific, idiot, or shut up.”

“I mean, you’ve been very--” Lavi paused, unsure of the word he was looking for. “--civil today. No, not civil, more like _pleasant_. No, that’s not right either. I don’t mean that you’re unpleasant. I mean, you’re hard around the edges, sure, but not unpleasant, and you’re always very polite, and I’m not entirely sure what I mean. I guess I think you’re being more... free?”

Yuu blinked. His mouth was very slightly agape. “What in the name of Tiedoll’s frilly apron are you talking about, Lavi?”

“You got... different from last night.”

“How?”

“You’re more open. What happened? Before you were all shut down, and then abruptly you were okay, and then you were tossing your knives, and then you were making me blush and patronizing me, and then you were _sweet_ the entire d--the entire date.”

Yuu just smiled. “I’m not as broken as you think I am. I’m allowed to get better. I... wanted you to have a good time today, and if that meant putting aside personal problems, then that was what was going to happen.”

“Huh?”

“And I’m _happy_. Did you ever consider that?”

“Wha...?”

Yuu scooted closer to him, wrapped an arm around his shoulder, reached over with his other hand and caressed Lavi’s cheekbone. And then he _smiled_.

The smile met his eyes.

Lavi had hoped there’d be kissing after the date, but he hadn’t really meant to initiate it. He wasn’t even sure if that was a good idea. And yeah, Yuu flinched a little, and his hands came immediately to clench about Lavi’s biceps, but then he relaxed and his lips softened. Lavi pulled back, and Yuu gasped. He looked a little dazed.

“Not expecting that?” Lavi asked. He stuck out his tongue. Yuu’s grip on his arms loosened.

“C-come here,” he said, lying down on the bed. As he adjusted, his arms moved to Lavi’s shoulders and pulled him down too.

Their lips met again, soft this time, and something huge and explosive and bubbling burst in Lavi’s chest. He smiled against Yuu’s lips and let the other boy take control, even though he was effectively pinning him down.

Kissing was still sort of wet, but Lavi thought he was getting the hang of it. He was unsure with his tongue, but Yuu wasn’t gagging, so he had to be doing something right. As he removed his tongue for a moment, Yuu leaned in more and nibbled Lavi’s lower lip. Something searing cut down through Lavi’s body to his stomach. He moved his hands from Yuu’s shoulders, rubbing them up and down the Japanese boy’s arms. Yuu took one of his hands in his own and moved it to his chest, pressed Lavi’s thumb with his own into approximately the point where his nipple should be. The redhead felt something hard beneath the heavy flannel shirt Yuu was wearing. He couldn’t say he’d ever felt anyone else’s chest like this before. Lavi’s knees started to shake. He needed to avoid falling on the slighter boy, so he fell to his side. Now on Yuu’s level, he found that touching him required a lot less effort, though the mattress sort of got in the way.

“We’re still really bad at this,” Lavi said when they parted again. Yuu’s hand was still on top of Lavi’s, which was over his clothed stomach. Progress, Lavi supposed, but he wasn’t really thinking that. His groin hurt.

“No, you’re still really bad at this,” Yuu said, smiling and pressing his lips to whatever bit of Lavi was nearest him (his arm).

“Uh, Yuu, we probably shouldn’t...” Lavi said as the other boy pulled him closer, about to engage him in another kiss.

“Why not?”

Lavi squirmed a little. “I’m not, um... I really _want_ to, but Bookman always said that I shouldn’t do anything that’d lead to--and well, I mean, you’re not really ready, are you, and I’m not entirely sure, uh, that I am either.”

Yuu sat up. “Okay, first off. We are not going to have sex. If that’s what you thought. I can’t deal with that. Not yet. And second off, fuck Bookman--oh, that’s a disgusting thought--to hell with Bookman. Do what your body wants.”

“Oh, no! That’s not what I meant! I thought that there might be, uh, touching or something, but not _sex_ , and I’m really not sure what you mean but what my body wants, and I--”

Why was nothing coming out right? Why was it all jumbled?

“Lavi,” Yuu said, laying a hand on his shoulder. “Let it rest.” He kissed the redhead lightly. Then, holding both his hands, Yuu pushed him down and began to kiss his cheeks, his jaw, his neck, his collarbone. They were all gentle kisses, ending with a light nip at the end of his clavicle. Yuu’s hands roamed up and down Lavi’s torso, brushing his arms, lingering at his sides, playing with his waistband at times. But Yuu never went below the clothing. Never once did his hand touch actual skin.

That was a limit, Lavi realized, something Yuu could not go past at the moment, something Lavi was pretty damned sure he himself could not go past either.

\---

Yuu awoke with a sore neck. He took a deep breath, organizing in his mind his situation. He was contorted into some sort of human pretzel; Lavi was sprawled almost completely beneath him. His shoulder dug into Lavi’s sternum, so the boy was sort of huffing to get a breath in. Yuu gathered his limbs and rolled off of his redheaded mattress.

Nudging his slippers out from beneath his bed with his toes, Yuu stood up. It wasn’t quite chilly enough in his room to merit his robe, so he’d do without. He went downstairs only to find Tiedoll in his corner of the kitchen (the part that reeked of oil paints and turpentine), adding broad strokes to the background of a five-by-five canvas he’d been working on for weeks.

“You ever gonna finish that?” Yuu asked as he rummaged through the cupboards for mixing bowls.

Tiedoll answered with a grunt.

“You want waffles or pancakes?”

Another grunt in response. Yuu sighed and got out the flour. It all started there anyway. Though Lavi did like pancakes better. Cracking an egg to put in the bowl, Yuu looked out the window. The stupid birds were chirping at their nest on the sill, but that nest had an odd, charcoal point seeming to come out of the side...

He narrowed his eyes as the charcoal point failed to move with the breeze that shook the trees in the backyard. Washing his hands, he scanned the room for a coat. Daisya’s was out, of course, over the couch, and Tiedoll’s was hung up on the stand by the door, overlarge and cuffed with lace. Marie’s was nowhere to be seen, so Yuu bucked up his pride and slipped Tiedoll’s on. It was chilly outside. He zipped upstairs and grabbed his sword, worrying only for his abandoned pancake batter as he stepped through the door.

It had snowed a good deal overnight, leaving icicles easily longer than Tiedoll and twice the size of Yuu’s neck. And he had a good neck. Full of muscles. And stuff.

His slippers were the drenched by the time he reached the corner of the house. If he turned the corner, he’d come nearly face-to-face with the kitchen window. Quietly, but obviously not quietly enough, for he knew Bookman’s hearing was just as impeccable as Lavi’s antennae ears, he drew his sword. He turned the corner, only to meet a small blade’s point precisely at his belly-button. Out of instinct, he took a step back.

“You would interrupt my mission?” Bookman asked. His arm was not completely extended. One jab would slash his liver in half.

“Leave him,” he said. He looked straight into Bookman’s eyes--difficult though that was, what with his hair being so ridiculous and his knife being so significantly close.

“I need to clean up my mess,” Bookman said, and the point hovered a little closer.

“Your mess?” Yuu asked, stepping back. The hair on his neck stood on end, tingling. But he did not lower his sword. “Is that was this is?”

“Yes,” Bookman said. The edge of the knife was shaking, a small tremor that Yuu would have attributed to his old age had he not seen the steadiness of it just seconds before.

“That’s all Lavi is to you?” Yuu smiled bitterly and shook his head. “You’re cold, old man.”

“You know little of what it means to be a Bookman.”

“Heh. I know it means committing murder when you fuck up.” His arm was starting to shake from sustaining the weight of the outstretched sword for so long, and he cursed himself for his weakness.

Bookman looked down, then dropped the blade. It fell deep into the snow, and Yuu kicked the top of the channel it had created so that it would take some time to find it again.

“Why’d you do that, old man?” He asked.

“You do not understand the colossal amount of trust and companionship that exists between a Bookman and his heir. It is the one relationship in which one cannot help but feel the attachment above which we hold ourselves so high. Lavi is my mistake, yes, but he is also the one I trained.”

“If you care for him so much, then why are you still trying to kill him?” Yuu let his sword move closer to Bookman’s neck.

“There are duties that I must attend to. If not, it is not only Lavi who will die.”

Yuu smirked. “You really are in one fucked up organization.”

“Indeed I am.”

“Then how about a warning--you come near Lavi again, try to hurt him or scare him or anything at all, and I will kill you.” He lowered his sword, calculating with his eyes. Then, before Bookman could make a move in any direction, he swung it, carefully adjusting his wrist so that it would slice just above Bookman’s scalp. The gray clump of over-gelled hair fell into the snow, following the knife into obscurity. “Get out of my yard, and leave us alone.”

“Watch who is near to you, boy. There are people more dangerous than me--people who are more willing to clean up messes left behind by soft old men.”

“Duly noted.”

Bookman turned and ran from the yard, newly-shaved head bobbing with the effort. Sighing, Yuu reached into the snowy trench and pulled out the glob of hair. A trophy, of sorts. As for the knife, he’d have to wait until spring when the snow thawed.


	20. This is the Last Time

Chapter 20--This is the Last Time

__“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”

― Douglas Adams

_December 31_

In the days following Christmas, Lavi had done little more than sit on the couch, arm outstretched over Yuu’s shoulders, relishing in the feeling of the slighter boy leaning into his chest. They’d spent most of the days watching Daisya vigorously shake the XBox controller as he played his new monster truck video game. It was a rather amusing pastime, often involving much swearing and copious amounts of eggnog (the alcoholic kind, as Daisya insisted he played better when tipsy). Lavi had tasted it, and then accidentally spat it back into the glass.

“Hey!” Daisya had yelled. He contemplated his glass for a moment. “It’s ruined forever,” he said, swilling the contents around and around. Then he put it to his lips and took a long drink.

Yuu’s mouth had dropped open, and he had turned away from Daisya, his head nodding forward in a gag.

New Years’ Eve found them sitting on the couch again, this time watching Marie and Miranda play battleship. Daisya was to the side, having set up Marie’s ships and letting him know the current coordinates as attacks hit or missed. He also seemed to feel it was his duty to let the world know exactly how this battle was going down; his commentary was nearly drowning out the swing music from the kitchen, where Tiedoll was stretching and priming canvas.

Yuu’s head was on Lavi’s chest again, and he was curled up into him, one hand drawn around his own knees and the other grasping the fabric over Lavi’s heart.

“And Miranda shoots the missiles! They spiral through the air, whistling their way into--the ocean! It’s a miss!” Daisya shouted, raising his arms up in his enthusiasm.

Marie chuckled to himself but otherwise remained quiet, rubbing his hands over his board as he pondered where to attack next. Yuu curled up, just a bit tired, nuzzled at the curve of Lavi’s neck. The hair was soft against Lavi’s skin, alluring and smelling subtly of cinnamon.

“Tired?” Lavi said quietly.

Yuu nodded against his chest, allowing his scent to stir in dizzying clouds up toward Lavi’s nose. It prickled a little, as if he was going to sneeze, but he suppressed it and squeezed Yuu to him. Yuu stayed relaxed, no hint of fear in his demeanor.

“You could take a nap.”

“Don’t trust Daisya,” Yuu murmured. His lips moved against Lavi’s collarbone, and Lavi shivered.

“Not surprising,” Lavi said. “But if he weren’t here?”

“Maybe.”

“What, imagining Tiedoll spontaneously appearing out of nowhere?” Lavi imagined him melting out of the wall.

Lavi felt Yuu smile. “Yes.”

“Then how about we retreat?”

“No, Tiedoll will be taking out the croquet set soon. The party is going to start in two hours.”

“Party? I completely forgot. Tiedoll’s relatives aren’t coming again, are they?”

“You need to pay more attention when I speak to you, _Baka_. It’s just us. Well, us and Lenalee and her mad brother and Cross and Allen.”

Using Lavi’s chest for leverage, Yuu sat up. He shook his head before putting a hand over his bangs.

“Hm, I’ve got a bit of a headache.”

“Want some aspirin?” Lavi asked, even though he didn’t know where they kept the aspirin anyway.

“No, I think I’m just dehydrated. I’ll get some water. Also, I need to start making dips. Wanna help?”

He held out his hand, which Lavi took. Once up, Yuu pulled on Lavi’s hand, directing him toward the kitchen. Though it was probably a hindrance, Yuu kept hold of Lavi’s hand as he got out the mixing bowls and basic ingredients for whatever he was planning to make. Lavi couldn’t keep a smile from forming on his lips.

\---

The party was unlike any Lavi had ever attended before, whether it was in England when they had been in that pub after a football game or in a frat house when he’d been so drunk all he remembered were swirling lights and a big bass beat. It was quiet at first, but as they got into the wine (and then the schnapps Miranda had bought, and then the beers Daisya had procured, and then the vodka Cross had provided), the volume rose immensely. Every few seconds, one of them made a ridiculous toast to something or other. Even Yuu joined in.

“To Captain America’s blue panties!” Daisya yelled out, throwing a shot back. Cross roared with laughter, and then proceeded to toast all the young women and whores.

“Wait, guys, I’ve got one!” Yuu shouted, waving an arm emphatically. “To Tiedoll’s frizzy hair!” With that, he clinked his fifth drink against Lavi’s first and downed it with a wicked grin. Then, getting up, he stumbled over to Tiedoll and whacked at the top of his head, despite being barely tall enough to reach it.

“Let the croquet commence!” Tiedoll then declared, and Yuu, who often spouted his detestation for the game, grabbed himself a mallet and started swinging it about. Lavi imagined he should get up and stop him, but Yuu was grinning and laughing so much that he just didn’t have the heart to do so. Therefore he sat and watched as the rest of them got up and aimed (terribly) at the balls in a bout of croquet so pathetic it made Lavi tear up as he laughed.

\---

_January 8_

The journey back was smooth, and after Tiedoll left their room, sobbing, Yuu finally allowed himself a stabilizing sigh. Although school would be starting up the next day, Yuu couldn’t help but feel relieved. No more family, no more Daisyas in his bed, no more Lenalees making sly suggestions through the vent that connected their rooms. It was just him and Lavi. Lavi was still examining the room, a ritual he’d gone through after Thanksgiving break as well. Probably making sure nothing was out of place.

Yuu himself was not that worried. Although Bookman was much harder to spot without the hair, Yuu hadn’t seen him since the day he had confronted him. Which was a good thing. Less Bookman was definitely a plus, a silver lining on every cloud obscuring the sky (and seeing as it had been overcast for the past week, that was a huge silver lining).

After a quick trip to the bookstore, they returned to their dorm laden with books. Lavi walked around the room again, tapping at the walls.

“Something’s off,” he said.

“You’re imagining it, Lavi, don’t be so paranoid.”

“Your poster is coming off the wall.”

“And that couldn’t possibly be because the sticky-tack is getting old, could it?”

“Shut up, I’m being serious.”

Yuu followed Lavi’s eyes to the poster in question--his coveted System of a Down poster that Tiedoll had bought him for his birthday this past year. The bottom right corner had curled up from the wall, rolling so intently that it was pulling at the left corner as well.

“Yes, that’s obviously Bookman’s work,” Yuu said, rolling his eyes.

“Yuu, that’s not funny. Don’t make fun of me. I am telling you he was here.”

“Because the poster is rolled up.”

“Yes.”

“Whatever.”

Yuu walked over to his drawer to get the blue package of sticky-tack. He pulled it open and nearly screamed. The bell jar was back. And in the bell jar, wilting slowly, was his lotus. The petals swayed slowly, almost serenely, blushingly pink, especially nearer to the stem. Yuu’s eyes followed its movement, and he began to rock with it. It was mesmerizing. And somewhere between his stomach and his heart, warmth began to spread. His breathing gained momentum. His pulse quickened. His ears twitched at every small sound. Lavi getting up from the bed, walking over, asking him what was wrong. Lavi’s hand coming toward him.

Lavi’s hand landed on his shoulder. He had expected it. But he jumped nonetheless. He yelped, threw Lavi’s hand from him before he understood what he was doing. Lavi fell to the ground.

“Goddammit. I’m sorry, Lavi,” Yuu said, and reached down to pull him up. He tried to ignore the fact that his breathing was so loud in his ears.

“No, no, I shouldn’t’ve...” Lavi wasn’t making eye contact.

“Listen, you’ve got to stop acting like it’s your fault. It’s mine, okay?” He pulled the other boy to his feet and then put a hand on his shoulder. He wasn’t entirely sure if he was trying to brace himself or Lavi.

“It is mine, though. I should know better than to touch you like that.”

“Hear yourself talk--you shouldn’t be blaming yourself for my problem. I just need to get over it. I was just a little distracted.”

“What were you staring at?” Lavi asked.

“Oh. Uh, you were right; Bookman was here.”

“He didn’t leave something there, did he?” Lavi asked, pushing Yuu aside to get a better view in the drawer.

“Just my lotus. He returned it. Not sure why.”

“Well, you said you had that talk with him. Maybe he--I don’t know... wait.”

“Huh?”

“Count the petals.” Lavi spoke as if he could hardly move his lips.

Yuu leaned around Lavi and counted from above. There were the six at the epicenter, then the six falling gently beneath those. Twelve. There was one more in what had once been the third and final full row of six. But only one. Before it had been taken, there had been two in that row.

“It’s a threat,” Lavi said.

“Didn’t like that I took his hair, maybe,” Yuu said. But he’d been cutting a lot.

“No, I mean, he’s showing you your own mortality. I saw him draw blood once from someone’s throat to demonstrate that point. The man was trying to kill us because of the record, but Bookman fought him down like that Yoda guy from that movie Daisya made us watch, and he got a knife at the guy’s throat and stuck it in enough that the blood started to drip down his neck. He told him he could kill him at any time, but it was our job to observe, so killing could interfere with the record. He said that he had no qualms against killing, though, should the need arise, and told the man that all he had to do was just draw the knife back a little and the guy would bleed out. I think he’s doing the same thing to you.”

“I... guess.” Or he was just making a kind gesture. The old man hadn’t seemed all that vicious at the end of their conversation. Though it might have been the lack of hair.

“Trust me. He must’ve seen the petal fall and now he’s waving it in front of your face.”

“That would make sense, except for the fact that I’ve still got thirteen petals.”

“And you started with how many?”

“Eighteen.”

“Bookman doesn’t know that. For all he knows, what with the tattooed ohm and all, you could have started out with one thousand.”

“One thousand? Damn, I’m immortal.” He puffed out his chest a bit.

“It’s a Buddhist symbol, Yuu, as is the ohm. A lotus flower with one thousand petals represents spiritual revelation.”

“I’m Shinto. Or at least I was. I guess. You’re not really all that religious when you’re that little, and I stopped with the whole religion thing when nobody’s god saved me.”

Lavi stepped back, his mouth falling slack.

“Oh,” Lavi said. He let his head fall forward and turned and shuffled back toward his bed. Yuu reached out to grab his hand but missed, so he followed him over, turning him as he reached the bedside and pushing him down so he was sitting on his mattress. Lavi looked up at him.

“Hey, what is it?” Yuu asked. He kept his hands on Lavi’s shoulders.

“Just... the way you said that... and stuff...” Lavi’s voice trailed off and he looked away.

“Said what?”

“The bit about nobody’s god saving you.”

“It’s just the truth--not anything to be upset over.”

“It is, though!” Lavi’s face snapped back to look at him. He was glaring a bit.

Yuu tried to remove his hands, but Lavi held them in place. “I’m not trying to sound like a whiny bitch--”

“I know. That’s why... well, it wasn’t so much that you said it as it was how you said it... like you were resigned to it or something.”

“You have to be resigned to things in the past, Lavi. You can’t change them. You have to deal with them. That’s how you move on. And I’m trying--really hard--to move on.” His throat was getting tight; his voice was getting high. “It’s not like it even matters anymore. It’s just a fact.”

Lavi ran his hands up the length of Yuu’s arms. Once he reached Yuu’s shoulders, he pulled the smaller boy into his chest.

“It’s not just a fact, Yuu. Dealing with stuff means it gets easier to think about, yeah, but it’s never just a fact.” There was an intangible sense of resoluteness in Lavi’s speech.

“I... touched a nerve,” Yuu said. He reached up and touched Lavi’s face. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s just... when things are just facts, that’s when you have to worry.”

“Yeah, you would know,” Yuu said, rubbing his thumb over Lavi’s cheek. He grazed past the corner of his left eye and felt wetness.

“You can’t be defeated by your past, okay?”

“I can’t promise anything,” he began slowly.

“Yuu.”

“But I’ll try.”

For now, that would have to be enough. How did you look at something that happened to you and say anything but “yeah, that’s what happened.” But when he thought of the little boy who asked everyone from Amaterasu to Zeus for help so fervently that even the nights where he didn’t hurt were restless, he couldn’t help but feel a connection. It was thin but present. He was the same person. Only he wasn’t helpless now. And even if Bookman did mean to threaten him, he had his sword, so he was ready. In the meantime, he could hold Lavi.

Slowly, he reached up and gave him a kiss.

Lavi responded by wrapping his arms around him, pulling him close enough that their chests touched.Yuu began to lose his balance and tried to stabilize himself by leaning farther over, trying to place a hand on the bed. But Lavi had pinned one of his arms to his side so the action resulted in him knocking them both over.

Lavi squawked, breaking their kiss.

They both lay on the not-quite-wide-enough bed for a moment, slightly breathless and staring at each other. Yuu regarded Lavi’s askew hair, which resembled a bright orange beaver dam. As Lavi’s face filled his vision, he felt a pang in his chest. It was one of those moments where he just _knew_. Knew that he loved Lavi. Knew that as long as Lavi was okay, he was too. Knew that as much as he might hurt, there was no way he would let Lavi hurt along with him. Knew that he was painfully attracted to this boy beneath him and that despite his greatest efforts, he couldn’t help the pressure building in every muscle to do what his body wanted. His lips tugged upward, and he chuckled under his breath. He was hopeless.

“W-what are you laughing at?” Lavi asked, blushing. He reached up to touch his face. He patted his cheeks for a few seconds before Yuu grasped both hands, intertwined their fingers as he raised Lavi’s arms above him.

“Absolutely nothing,” he said, smiling down at him.

“Nothing, huh? Is my face that freaking hilarious?”

“Why, yes, yes it is. Especially when I do this.” Yuu leaned down and kissed Lavi’s neck just below the ear. There were no words to describe the noise Lavi made. It was one-third gasp and two-thirds squawk, with a small dash of a squeak and a sweet little shudder. Yuu moved his right leg in between Lavi’s legs and rubbed gently with his knee. Lavi’s face turned so red so quickly it resembled that of a drunk fat man having a fit of rage.

“A-ah, Yuu--” the boy began.

Yuu grazed his lips over Lavi’s jawline. Once he reached the chin, he leaned in a little closer to bite at Lavi’s surprisingly plump lower lip. His mouth was lightly agape, so it made Yuu’s task all the more easy to accomplish. He dragged his teeth over Lavi’s lip, pulling it back toward him. A small sound came from deep in Lavi’s throat.

Then he kissed the redhead full on, mouth open and tongue poised to explore. Lavi nearly bucked beneath him, breathing in deeply and arching into his chest, his shirt riding up past his belly button.

Releasing one of Lavi’s pinned hands, Yuu took a moment to take his now unoccupied hand and let it run softly over the exposed skin, looking for Lavi’s reaction. Lavi breathed in deeply, his skin raising in small bumps. It was the first time Yuu had ever touched bare skin that surpassed the “safe zone” he’d established not too long before. But he was pushing his limits. He didn’t need them. Really. So he let his fingers gently press into Lavi’s stomach and pushed them under the hem of his shirt and then up, working slowly, as he was still unsure. Lavi’s freed hand went to his shoulder, rested for a second. Then he brushed it down Yuu’s chest, over his fabric-covered tattoo, down to the middle of his abs. The fingers dangled there, nudging at the fabric, twisting it, playing with it.

“You want something, Lavi?” Yuu asked against Lavi’s lips.

“Just... is it okay?”

Yuu pushed his hand a little farther up the fabric. His middle finger slid over a rigid bump, eliciting a gasp from Lavi.

“Yeah,” he said, and pressed his lips to the redhead’s again, pushing his head into the pillow a little. He swirled his tongue over Lavi’s lips and then slipped it in deeper, meeting and clashing with Lavi’s tongue in a wet battle. Yuu felt a throb deep down. He rubbed his hand slowly up and down over Lavi’s erect nipple. Lavi groaned into his mouth, and they separated for a moment to breathe. As their lips parted, a thin string of spit glistened between them in the afternoon light. It was mildly distasteful, but Lavi’s hand had reached Yuu’s belt and was toying with his belt loop, drawing his hips (and slightly obvious erection) closer. Yuu tried to remember how to breathe.

“You sure?” Lavi asked, breathing hard and flushing harder.

“Yeah,” Yuu said. Lavi’s hand slipped sideways to fuss with his belt buckle. Yuu pinched Lavi’s nipple between his fingers, just for something to do.

“Wa! Yuu!”

The other boy shuddered, his erection just as plain down the left side of his too tight jeans. The seams bulged in an attempt to contain it. Yuu put more weight on his other hand so that he could press his upper thigh against Lavi’s arousal. He let his hand mess with Lavi’s nipple for a few more seconds, then drew it down his back, half scraping his nails down the arch at the small of his back. He let his fingers hesitate, mounting tension, then delved them gently beneath Lavi’s waistband. The jeans were so tight he didn’t need a belt--and Yuu’s hand, as a consequence, had a bit of trouble with maneuverability, so Yuu’s fingers sandwiched somewhat snugly between the jeans and boxers.

He looked Lavi in the eyes.

“Are you okay with this?” He asked, nudging his fingers downward.

“Y-yes!” Lavi said, though it came out as more of a hiss. His face had reached a color so red Yuu half expected him to begin bleeding from his pores.

He pressed a finger between Lavi’s ass, lined it up to prod at the hole. Lavi brought his head forward and kissed Yuu at the junction between his shoulder and his neck. The skin felt feverish and warm, and Yuu’s heart beat even faster. He felt it rattling at his sternum.

“You like that?” Lavi asked quietly. “M-making me all hot like this?” He put his hand up to Yuu’s face, gently traced Yuu’s lips with the pads of his fingers. Yuu shuddered. Lavi pulled his hand back, but Yuu nodded.

“Yes, I do.”

Lavi’s hand returned to his lips. Yuu kissed them. Then, because he’d seen it in one of Daisya’s pornos that he’d accidentally walked in on, he opened his mouth. Lavi pressed them forward, and Yuu licked the tip of each finger in turn with one swift run of his tongue. Not forgetting his other hand, though, he pressed the finger inward again. Lavi twitched pretty much everywhere, and the movement pushed his fingers further into Yuu’s mouth. Yuu took the opportunity to trap them there and began licking them slowly, pushing them in and out and rubbing his tongue around them in an unsteady rhythm.

Lavi moaned, deep and long. He shook his other hand free of Yuu’s grasp and reached down to undo his button and fly.

“Please?” He asked so quietly that at first Yuu was sure he was imagining. But then he repeated it, louder: “please?”

“Not... all the way,” Yuu said after Lavi removed his fingers. He looked away, not entirely sure how he could look directly at Lavi without revealing the shame and fear he felt at the idea of being that close to someone.

“Of course not.”

Yuu looked back at him. “You don’t mind?”

“We’ve only been together a little bit--and... well... as long as you--with the finger--just please, I--”

Yuu pressed his finger into that spot again, rubbing it around a little. The fabric was probably a bit rough for such a sensitive area.

“Jeans off, then.”

Lavi nodded, then looked away. “Only touch me if... if you want to be touched.”

Yuu chuckled. “It’s not that I don’t want to--it’s that I get... you know.”

“Scared?”

“I don’t like that word.”

“Then get my pants off.”

“Do it yourself, lazy Rabbit,” Yuu said, pushing once more against Lavi’s ass.

“Yes, sir.”

Lavi’s pants came off, but as Yuu removed the underwear and prepared to delve a little deeper, he stopped and sat up.

“We don’t have any lube.”

“What about spit?” Lavi asked.

“It’s... not as great as other people make it out to be.” He pushed the memories back. They were forbidden when he was with Lavi. “Trust me, lube is better. Why don’t I just take care of this right here?”

He leaned over, grabbing hold of Lavi’s erection and putting his lips close. He slipped his tongue out and let it glide softly, lightly, teasingly against the tip. Lavi squeaked, his hips lunging forward joltingly.

Yuu moved his supporting hand to Lavi’s hip to stabilize it. He gave a couple teasing rubs with his thumb at the base of Lavi’s erection, brushing at the moist skin of his balls as a happy accident. Lavi gasped beneath him, and Yuu drew his tongue over the tip once more, sliding it around as he grasped Lavi’s erection more fully.

Lavi bucked again, making a mewling sound as he tensed up. Yuu did not have enough time to get fully out of the way, so the result hit his cheek and then splattered its way toward the loose hair at his ear.

“Wow, look at the speed demon,” he said, trying not to scowl.

Lavi blushed further. “Yuu, I’m--I’m so sorry. And it got in your hair. I’ll go get a towel, and we’ll wipe it off, and then we’ll get some shampoo and you’ll shower and--”

“Just a little warning, next time,” Yuu said. Somehow, Lavi’s nattering was rather endearing, allowing him to forget his messiness for a moment and just smile down at the idiot he was ninety-nine percent sure he loved.

Getting up, he grabbed a hand towel and wiped himself off. He got most of it out of his hair, though it wouldn’t truly be gone until he’d bathed.

“Do you, um, still want me to, uh...?” Lavi asked from the bed. He’d pulled his boxers back on.

Yuu smiled. “I think... I would be okay with that.” Because it was Lavi. And it was okay if it was Lavi. And the boy deserved this moment, this intimacy that neither of them had ever experienced before.

He went back over to the bed and sat down. Lavi fumbled with his buckle, having not readily achieved any progress on it before. He’d just gotten it undone when a knock came at the door.

Yuu growled, low and quiet.

“Lavi, get your pants on,” he said quietly.

The knock came again.

“Maybe they’re not here,” said a girl’s voice. Yuu was pretty sure it belonged to Lizzie.

“Or maybe they’re pretending not to be. You guys in?” That voice belonged to Jason, and it was followed by a third set of knocks. The door was unlocked. If they checked the knob...

“Hold on a moment,” Yuu snapped at the door, not really angry. But impatience was always something he despised. Except when he was driving.

Lavi got his pants on, and he arranged the blankets to hide the evidence of their recent activities.

Yuu opened the door.

It was indeed Lizzie and Jason. Lizzie looked fantastic, sporting some sort of faux-fur jacket that Yuu sincerely hoped was actually fake. Her hair glimmered, even beneath the dull dorm lights. She had it in curls today, with minuscule braids emerging here and there. She was very tan as well, as if she’d been somewhere warm. She had a new cast on, this one orange and only covering from just above her elbow to her wrist. Jason looked a bit more worn, as if he hadn’t slept at all--an anomaly for vacation--complete with black-and-blue bags beneath his bloodshot eyes and a slight swaying to his stance.

“You alright?” Yuu asked.

“Yeah, just been studying a bit for my classes next semester,” Jason said. “Can we come in?”

“Sure,” Yuu said. He stepped back to let them in.

“You can sit, you know,” Lavi said, dropping down onto Yuu’s bed. The two grabbed the chairs from the desks and sat, smiling.

“How was your break?” Lizzie asked.

Yuu sat down on his bed as Lavi spoke: “It was good. A bit boring, not all that eventful.”

“Really?”

Lavi nodded, and Lizzie continued, turning to Yuu. “We heard about the trial, Yuu. How you holding up?” Lizzie pulled her fur thing a bit closer.

“Not... terrible, actually. I, uh, dream about him a bit.” Yuu looked down at his lap. He imagined the scars that should be beneath his jeans--none of them created by that man, but all of them caused by his mauling Yuu’s home.

“Oh, wow, I’m sorry. Are they really bad?”

“Not terrible, just disturbing, and they bring up things I don’t want to think about.” Like the bits that came after he had run away. He cast his mind about for a different topic. Anything.

“Oh, I’m sorry for bringing that up.”

“No, it’s okay.”

There was a pause. Lavi sniffled a bit, probably some incoming cold, and Jason shifted in his chair.

“How were your grades for last semester?” Lizzie asked, and the tension broke. Yuu could breathe again.

“I didn’t do so bad,” Yuu said. “Mostly As and Bs.”

“Four-point-oh,” Lavi mumbled.

“How?” Yuu asked, incredulous. “How did you possibly have enough time with your--your insane credit load?”

“Lots of allnighters. Not at first, but then you started sleeping at night, so you didn’t really know I was awake. Also, photographic memory. Most of my classes were lectures, which means tests, not papers.”

“I hate you,” Yuu said. Lavi frowned, letting his lower lip jut out in what Yuu supposed the other boy thought was a pitiable expression.

“You’re so mean to him,” Lizzie said, smiling.

“Yes, you’re so mean to me!”

“Shut up, Lavi.”

Lavi whimpered. Attempting to be surreptitious, Yuu slid his hand behind Lavi and pinched his butt. Lavi yelped.

“Yuu!” He said, and batted at Yuu’s shoulder. Lizzie and Jason shared significant glances.

“How about you guys?” Yuu asked.

“Uh...” Lizzie began. She looked away. “I didn’t really do too good... Cs and Bs mostly, and a D. But that was ‘cause the professor was a cretin!”

“You have yet to convince me of that,” Jason said, “so I doubt they’ll believe you.”

“He was! He didn’t agree with my opinions, so he gave me shitty grades on all my papers!”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I have to retake the class! It was for my major!”

“Well, that’s a good thing, huh?” Jason said. He reached over and patted her shoulder, resting his hand there after completing the motion.

“Oho, what is this?” Lavi asked, voice dripping with innuendo.

“Absolutely nothing. Unlike you, we are not committing dormcest.”

“What, so you can’t date anyone who lives in the same dorm? What bullshit is that?” Yuu said. His hand had yet to move from beneath Lavi’s butt. He glanced briefly at Lizzie, whose head had lowered just slightly. He was no Lavi, but he wasn’t stupid. He could see disappointment on others.

“Not bullshit. Just fact.” Jason’s hand was still on Lizzie’s shoulder, though.

“Sure.”

“Shut up.”

“So did you guys do anything fun over break?” Lavi asked before Yuu could open his mouth again.

“I spent time traveling in Africa with my, uh, father,” Jason said.

“Really? What does your father do?” Lavi asked. Out of the corner of his eye, Yuu saw Lavi lean in a little closer.

“He’s a, um, anthropologist. He was studying some tribes there and took me with him.”

“You didn’t stay home with your mom?”

“No. They were never married and Mom ditched us when I was little.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Nah, I never knew ‘er.”

“What did you do, Lizzie?” Lavi asked, though Yuu noticed he kept his gaze partially on Jason.

“Oh, I was in the south of Italy. Daddy just bought us a summer home there, so we went to check it out.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah, I made out with this Italian guy--damn, was he hot!”

Jason removed his hand. Yuu smirked at him, challenging him to deny it. The boy scowled.

“You didn’t swim, did you?” Lavi asked, gesturing to her cast.

“I did--the doctors gave me a waterproof brace--but it always started to throb when I swam, so I mostly just waded.”

“I’m sad to see the old cast go.”

“I’m not. Damn, it was annoying. And my mom wouldn’t shut up about it. ‘Why’d you choose green’ and other sorts of nagging.”

“So you chose orange to annoy her more?” Yuu asked.

“Yup,” Lizzie said, smiling.

“I saw a commercial for your dad over break,” Yuu said after a few moments of silence. He saw Lavi eye Jason. Yuu glanced in that direction and noticed he was sitting a little straighter, looking at Lizzie again.

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah.”

“Was it the one I was in, or was it the one where my mom was singing that awful Mozart aria while he talked?”

“Actually, both.”

“Oh, God. I looked terrible, didn’t I?” She put a hand to her face.

“The make-up was a little extreme,” Lavi said with a crooked smile.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about the family values bit. Daddy doesn’t actually care that much, but politically, it gets him more votes.”

“Its weird, considering how much more liberal he used to be,” Lavi remarked, as if he had done a little research or had just watched some political commentary on CNN, which could very well be the case, seeing as Yuu had fallen asleep to more than a few over beak. He knew the redhead still liked to keep on top of emerging movements within the populace. It kept him entertained, apparently.

“Not really, if you consider the sudden upsurge in ‘grass-roots’ family values politics recently, even in the more liberal States. The underlying fear in the American people have made them more susceptible to the sort of extreme right-wing politics that we see with the groundswell of tea-party supporters, forcing more liberal politicians to change their policies in an attempt to steal back votes, forcing a radicalization of the entire political spec... trum. What?”

“I didn’t understand more than half of what you just said,” Lizzie said dryly, looking at him. Just like they all were.

“You don’t understand politics?”

“No, and you do, Mister I-don’t-care-about-anything-but-psychology?” She shot back at him.

“Yeah, that was really astute for someone who isn’t a poly-sci major, and even then,” Lavi said.

“What, I can’t have other interests?”

Yuu looked at the redhead; he seemed to be concerned, or at least concentrating really strongly on what had just been said and then he seemed to think of something.

“What were your grades last semester, Jason?” Lavi asked.

The brunette put a hand behind his head, laughing a bit, “Well, I didn’t wanna brag or anything, but I guess Lavi isn’t the only one who can manage a four-point-oh.”

Lizzie punched his arm. “You bastard, you could’ve been helping me! Every time I complained to you about how hard something was, you could have helped, Mister Know-it-all!”

“Hey, I tried, but learn well from my guidance, you did not!” He cackled.

And she hit him again, chasing him out of the room as he ran for safety.

“See ya!” She said as she darted away.

The door closed.

“Hm,” Lavi said. Yuu put his feet up on the bed and sat cross-legged.

“What’s up?” He asked.

“Something’s up.”

“Really?” Yuu said.

“Yeah.”

“Sure you aren’t being paranoid about this?”

“Yeah. The way he talked... it was like he was reciting.”

“Maybe he’s interested in politics.” Yuu reached out and mussed Lavi’s hair.

“Hey! But seriously... I know that tone of voice. I’ve used it myself.”

“Yeah, it’s your ‘I know more than you know’ voice. Don’t worry about it. Other people watch politics besides you.”

“You don’t,” Lavi said. He looked down at his hands, which were in his lap.

“Yeah, because they’re boring. They all say the same thing and everyone gets angry. So why bother? Plus, Fox News is a piece of shit.”

“Yes, but it’s interesting to see the propaganda and other selective, biased news they’re feeding people. I watch CNN for the same reason. You’re never gonna get the whole story if you don’t watch both and compare opinions.”

“Which is what you think Jason was doing.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t agree. I think you’re overreacting because of Bookman--and don’t you dare say what I think you’re going to say, because there’s no way in hell. And it’s called being an informed voter.”

Lavi shut his mouth.

“There. All better.” Yuu patted his shoulder, leaning forward.

Lavi hit his shoulder. “Don’t treat me like I’m some sick child.”

“I’m not. I--well, I was going to kiss you and now you’ve ruined it.”

“Oh no! Yuuuuu, kiss me, kiss me!”

“Nope,” Yuu said, turning his head away as Lavi lunged toward him.

“C’mon, please?”

“Nope. You’ve been a bad boy, thinking bad things.”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Yeah-huh, now shut up and let me push you over.” Yuu grew a wicked smile as he abruptly tackled Lavi, pushing him down into the mattress. Nipping at Lavi’s neck and shoulders and clavicle, Yuu effectively shut down any defense Lavi could have thrown at him. And a quiet Lavi (or a whimpering Lavi, he couldn’t decide which) was far better than a noisy, suspicious Lavi.


	21. Friend or Foe?

Chapter 21--Friend or Foe?

__“For he who lives more lives than one: More deaths than one must die.”

\---Oscar Wilde

_Elizabeth Marie Wellington is the oldest daughter of Senator Richard Wellington and his wife, the world-renowned opera singer, Louise Fortescue. They currently live in a 15,000 square foot mansion near the ocean, exactly 32.4 miles northeast of Boston, armed with a small army of bodyguards and security cameras. Their land includes its own private beach, carved out jaggedly across public access. Estimated cost ranges in the millions._

_Senator Wellington is known in many circles due to his long career in Intelligence Services to his country. He was a marine, honorably discharged after suffering a critical blow to his left knee at the age of 23, which if one looks, can still be seen to be bothering him--a weakness to exploit if ever the need should arise. The senator was courted by the CIA soon after leaving the hospital, in hopes that they could glean what information they could from him, as he was the sole survivor of some classified field mission (files as yet unaccessed) in some undisclosed African nation (now known to me as Somalia). The CIA saw great potential in the now-senator, keeping him under their employ for ten years, until November 21, 1990, when he up and left the Agency, without so much as a word to anyone save for his letter of resignation (see appendix A for copy)._

_Wellington dropped off the map for a few months after that, and his activities of that period are as yet unknown. He resurfaced, married and with a child, in April, almost exactly a year before the congressional elections of 1992. He was elected in a landslide victory against the congressman from his district and made a name for himself by coining early legislation for the Clinton Administration. Wellington was elected to his seat in the Senate in 1994. During his campaign, the opposition began a smear campaign that included the date of his marriage to Ms. Fortescue (October 23, 1991) and the birthdate of their daughter, born some five months later in an undisclosed location. Despite the attack to his flaking “morality,” Wellington won the seat and has held it since._

_After the terrorist attacks in 2001, Senator Wellington volunteered to be a part of a secret Senate committee that was investigating the soon-to-be-formed Department of Homeland Security’s operations before and following the attack. The proceedings were never recorded and all evidence of the committee’s actions were well hidden. The only record of its existence were from the Bookman present, but due to unforeseen circumstances, his contract was terminated a few months after the official declaration of war. His records were logged as missing soon after that._

_My current mission, as given to me by my superior within my organization, is to observe and record the events that are playing out within the Wellington Family--the sudden spike in their hired security services and the rumored (now confirmed) installation of a high security vault inside the Senator’s office, as well as the sudden removal of the two younger daughters from their private Christan Academy to a boarding school in the next town over--and if possible, obtain some information about the committee, including information as to why the Central Intelligence Agency has once again contacted the Senator._

_I have quickly determined that my assignment to this particular case is due to the similarities in age between Ms. Elizabeth Wellington and myself. It was, however, good fortune that landed me in the same dormitory as her, a simple fact that has made getting close to her much easier than anticipated. In the following entries, find my reorganized logs covering each event from first contact with the girl to my most enlightening visit to the mansion prior to the Wellington family’s winter retreat to Italy._

Jason flipped through his newly organized binder and settled on a blank page, where he began to write anew.

_01/08/2010_

_Returned to school today. After a thorough search, I concluded that no one had been into the room since my departure. The roommate had not yet returned. I locked the door and made the usual journey to Ms. Elizabeth’s first-floor room. I had scarcely knocked when she opened the door. It was simple to smile at her as she went on about her trip to Italy. I questioned her briefly on the health of her family, focusing imperceptibly on her father. He is experiencing heart troubles. I have a requisition form to fill out after this entry in order to receive an updated copy of his medical file. His knee, too, is giving him trouble, and while in Italy, he took to walking with a cane--the wooden one with the carved wolf head that they keep “for decoration” in the drawing room near the fireplace. It belonged to his father before he passed._

_Though it might be insignificant at the moment, it is important to note that Ms. Elizabeth’s younger sister (the middle child), Ms. Virginia Wellington, is suffering from a light case of influenza, which has caused her much nausea and occasional vomiting._

_Unfortunately, the topic was changed to Ms. Elizabeth’s winter “troubles,” including three escapades with three different Italians and a pregnancy test. More updates to come as the situation progresses. The positive result on the test has ensured any number of scandals for her father, especially as he sets his sights on the upcoming 2012 election. Though no decision has been made in the home as yet, I have heard from Ms. Elizabeth that her parents continue to discuss it, often asking their daughters for their opinions. Ms. Elizabeth is indifferent to the political nature of her family, though I suspect she wishes to be anywhere from home, given that her mother is terribly oppressive. And the issue of her pregnancy leaves her striving to be away from those who understand the symptoms of her “influenza” that she must have “caught from her sister,” as she relayed her excuse to me. Ms. Virginia and the youngest sister, Ms. Hayley, both seem enchanted with the idea of living in the White House, which seems to be a source of frustration for Ms. Elizabeth._

_After assuring Ms. Elizabeth that I would accompany her (in my duties as “best friend”) to a Planned Parenthood office for a preliminary appointment, we headed to Yuu and the Failure’s room. Though I suppose it might be trite and almost emotional of me to call “Lavi” this, the fact remains that he has failed in his capacity as Bookman’s heir, although the attempts of his Master to eliminate him have been pathetic at best. Even the hired goons could not finish the Failure off. Regarding the Failure’s Master, I have not seen him around at all today. Even after the point at which the Failure renounced all ties to this organization, the Master was around the dormitory at nearly every hour, only leaving during the solid stretches that Lavi had class, most likely for some sleep. Due to the Failure’s continued state of living and the Master’s absence, I am assuming for the time being that the Master has either failed in his role to eliminate any security risks or been killed by the Failure (or Yuu, who is a much stronger fighter, as I have observed thus far)._

_Their pitiable relationship seems to be going along fairly intimately. Yuu’s post-traumatic stress seems to be lessening, possibly due to more aggressive counseling or due to some inexplicable charm of the Failure. I counted 34 touches between the two in the small period of time that Ms. Elizabeth and I sat in discourse with them. I see less fluctuation in the Failure’s mental stability. It is with such irony that I see the obvious happiness on him, for he will be dead soon enough, an event that will cause much emotional agony in Yuu, possibly undoing his emotional progress since the beginning of last semester. From an objective standpoint, this relationship seems to have an oddly soothing effect on the both of them._

_The conversation between the four of us went well, though I very nearly slipped when the topic switched to politics. I’ve allowed myself too few hours of sleep and must rest before seeing the Failure again. Although I see little threat in him, he was also trained (somewhat inadequately) to be a Bookman and could have seen the slip for what it was, despite my easy recovery. It is possible--in fact, highly probable--that he will voice his fears to Yuu, but he won’t tell anyone else. Yuu is much more sensible than the Failure, and he will naturally claim my side on this one, due to the Failure’s probable paranoia (I have heard that attempted homicide can do that to the potential victim). As long as I watch my speech and actions carefully, preventing any other slip, I should be perfectly safe. Unlike the Failure, my persona is near flawless and will continue to be so until none of the flaws can be seen. He never was as cut out for this job as I am--as evidenced by his failure (and his Master’s) to notice me as anything but that mousy kid who lives down the hall._

Jason sighed and leaned back in his chair. His back cracked six times, and his shoulders went as he extended his arms out to his sides. He allowed his head to fall backward. Then, finishing his stretch, he closed the binder and put it in his lockable bottom drawer. He checked the lock, then quietly changed into his pajamas so as not to wake the roommate, who was snoring as usual. He put in his earplugs to drown out the abominable sound and then switched off the lamp. He took the three steps to the right that it took to get to his bed, where he lay down and turned onto his side.

As exhausted as he was, sleep did not come easily. He turned over exactly forty times before he attempted to count sheep. He made it to three before he drove both fists into the mattress, growling louder than he should have. His mind reeled, spun round and round itself like a never-ending whirlpool. He thought of infinity, of the snake eating its tail, and gazed at the ceiling’s whorling pattern that followed the motion of his thoughts. But eventually sleep came, the exhaustion finally taking its toll, and he awoke for class early the next day feeling anything but refreshed.

He dressed with a scowl on his face, nearly putting his jeans on backwards again. After packing up his things into his bookbag, including a notebook he reserved for recording important goings-on, he left the room. He returned a moment later, the key jingling around the lock as his shaking hand attempted to fit it in. He slipped on his tennis shoes and then left the room again. Although it was his job to be fully aware at any time, Jason found mornings to be his one weakness. He bumped into two girls on his way to the exit. As he reached the door, he passed the wall of mailboxes. He gave a cursory glance at his own and saw a letter inside.

The letter bore the official seal embossed on the back right corner. It tore in half as he ripped one side off the envelope. Inside were three loose leaves of paper, each bearing the seal stamped in the bottom right next to the page marker. He read through them quickly as he walked to the bus stop. It was a simple enough assignment, and he was allowed several weeks to plan it out, thus eliminating any room for error.

Excellent.

\---

_January 16_

“Come on Lavi, everyone’s doing it!” Lizzie insisted as she leaned over his shoulder. He was staring at the sign-in page for Facebook.

“I still don’t see why this is important. Why would I want to tell people what I’m doing? It seems kind of pointless.”

“Because then we can get ahold of you easier, to see if you want to hang out.”

“Couldn’t you just come here? It’s not like I go anywhere else except to class.”

“Get with the times, Lavi. You’re such an old man. It’ll give the people who want to be your friend a chance to find you.”

He thought about it for a minute. The idea of people “finding” him was a bit frightening. But it had been difficult having group projects last semester and no other way besides email to contact the other members. And Lenalee had been bugging him incessantly about it since he had let it slip that he wasn’t interested in social networking.

He resigned himself to the fact that if he wanted to stay connected in this world it may be inevitable. So he clicked the “sign up it’s free” button and began.

\---

_January 18_

As the semester settled in and Lavi became accustomed to the twelve credit hours he was taking, he realized two things: he was going to get adequate sleep all semester and he was going to have so much downtime he’d be bored out of his mind within another week. Now that he wasn’t at Yuu’s house playing mindless video games (and other not-so-mindless ones) and generally occupying his days with fun activities, he was beginning to feel a bit restless, as if he didn’t have anything to do. He couldn’t just get out his logs again--he’d given up that life and he would not go back. But he couldn’t think of anything else to do either.

He’d tried broaching the topic with Yuu yesterday, but that had ended up with him not seeing what the problem was. And then them making out for such a long time that only their rumbling stomachs separated them. Although he liked the kissing, he needed actual advice.

So Lenalee it was.

His first class was at nine in the morning, and he was bored in the first ten minutes. He sat at the back of the class, so he wiggled his phone out of his back pocket-- _nothing wrong here, professor, I’m completely innocent, just scratchin’ my butt_ \--and tapped out a quick text to Lenalee:

_Wanna have lunch? I’m free 11 to 3._

Three minutes and twenty-four seconds later, his phone buzzed against his palm. He tapped the screen to see the message:

_kk 1230 bench by mem lol_

Lavi blinked. He was a smart guy, but... this was gibberish. He’d studied aspects of college life, but he certainly did not understand the intricacies of text speak. He figured 1230 was half past noon, and he bet she meant they were to meet at a bench, but he wasn’t sure about the rest. So he tapped out a response.

_Huh?_

This time, the response came much quicker.

_Oh lavi ur so cute lol! Lets meet @ the bench outside memorial hall @ 12:30, k?_

He locked his phone and stuck it back in his back pocket, effectively doing the butt scratch again. Memorial Hall was a little far from where he was, but it had good food, and the company would be worth the walk.

The class dragged on. A boy two desks in front of him was rocking back and forth, twitching at irregular intervals. Probably on the verge of sleep. The professor’s voice was pretty monotone, so it wasn’t surprising. Glancing at the rest of the classroom, Lavi counted three who had their heads on their desks, not even bothering to hide their inattention. Several others looked like they were taking notes, but one was scribbling vertically along the page, making looping motions every few seconds. A girl in the far corner to Lavi’s right was picking her nose. The boy in front of her was scratching his balls.

Finally, after what seemed like a century, after Lavi had watched his neighbor on the left check his watch forty-seven times, the class ended. People stood up, shoved their books into their backpacks, and half ran out the door, bottlenecking the exit. There were others who still sat at their desks, writing themselves a note or taking care with the arrangement of the books. Lavi decided to join the scramble of students at the door. It was nearly eleven, and he wanted to drop his stuff off at the dorm before going to see Lenalee.

As he tried to squeeze through with the other students, someone trod on the back of his shoe, sending him careening forward into the girl who had been picking her nose. He went face-first into her enormous, curling, bouncing monster of hair. Together, the two of them fell to the ground. The hair cushioned Lavi’s head in the fall.

They both probably yelled, but Lavi didn’t really hear it because he was too busy trying to minimize the weight that fell on the girl. As soon as they hit the ground, he pushed himself up.

“Sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry. Someone stepped on my shoe.” He held a hand out for the girl as she slowly turned. She gasped, and her eyes went wider than Frodo’s in that weird movie about a ring.

“Are you okay?” He asked, leaning forward.

“Yeah,” she said after a second. She blinked and then took his hand. “Yeah, I’m fine. Ow.” Lavi heard something crack.

He’d pulled too hard on her shoulder.

“Sorry.”

“No, my hip just cracked. I landed a little funny on it.”

“You sure you’re fine?”

“Yeah.”

“You just looked really shocked a second ago. Is something broken or sprained?”

“No. You just look like my--a friend of mine.”

“Oh. Well, I’ll see you in class on Wednesday.”

“Yeah,” she said, smiling before she turned and walked off.

“Out of the way!” Someone shouted from behind him. He began to move forward into the hallway.

\---

Lenalee’s face lit up when she saw him approach. She stood on the bench and waved her hand way above her head.

“Lavi! Over here!” She shouted.

“I can see you!” Lavi shouted back.

“Oh! Sorry!”

Any further conversation was stalled until Lavi was right in front of her.

“How have you been?” She asked as she pulled him into a hug.

Lavi patted her back. “Good.” He pulled back and looked at her more carefully, then slumped a little. “Bored.”

“Bored?”

“Yeah, there’s nothing to do... I come home and Yuu’s off at sword practice, and I get my homework done so quickly that I’m left with a full evening with nothing to do. ‘Cause, you know, when he gets home, that’s when he does _his_ homework and then it’s too late to do anything more than get ready for bed. He’s sleeping well, finally.”

They both turned to walk toward the building.

“So you are frustrated,” Lenalee said after a few seconds of consideration.

“No. Just bored.”

“You sure you aren’t just frustrated?” She asked, a sly grin on her lips.

“Frustrated how?”

“Oh, Lavi, don’t be naïve. _Sexually_.”

“What? No! I mean, yes, but there’s not much I can do, so no, not really, but maybe a little bit.”

Lenalee stopped walking and turned to face him directly. Lavi stopped mid-stride.

“What?” She asked. Her head tilted minutely to the right. Her eyebrows plunged downward, threatening to obscure her eyes.

“Oh. Um, Yuu and I are... going slow, I guess you could say. But it’s not a problem!” Lavi waved his hands out in the space between them, almost as if he wished to physically wipe away the issue.

“Oh.” She began walking again, and Lavi followed, catching up with two long strides.

“So you’re frustrated but not...” She said.

“You could say that.”

“So you get home and without him there, you’re bored? And then you want him to pay attention to you, but he’s ignoring you, so you’re still bored?”

“Yeah, that’s the gist of it.”

“And it’s not sexual.”

“For the most part.”

“You confound me, Lavi.”

“Your brother should hear you talk like this sometime. He’d be shocked at how sex-obsessed you are.”

“You wouldn’t dare!” Lenalee pushed him. Lavi was displaced nearly to the edge of the sidewalk.

“Maybe not, but I bet Yuu would, if he knew how much you’re sniffing into our private affairs.”

“I’ve got so much dirt on Yuu-kun that he wouldn’t dare say anything in a million years.”

Lavi paused mid-step. “Like what?” He asked, hoping he didn’t sound too excited.

Lenalee continued walking. “Like I’d tell _you_ ,” she said. Lavi caught up with her and noticed her smug, self-satisfied smirk.

“Oh, come on, one thing.”

“Nope. But I think I’m gonna tell Yuu-kun that you were trying to find out.”

“Are you... trying to get some dirt on me?”

“Oh, Lavi, I already _have_ dirt on you.”

“What! What dirt?”

“You really think you’re that squeaky clean?”

Well, no. “Yes.”

“Maybe you should look into your, ahem, _drunk conduct_ , then, Mr. Tyki Chaser.”

“That was one time! And about a gazillion years ago!”

“So?”

“And he knows, anyway,” Lavi admitted.

They reached the door. Lenalee pulled it open and held it for him.

“Getting back to the topic at hand,” she said finally, after they’d swiped their cards, grabbed trays, and gotten into the huge line. It looked like they’d hit lunch rush exactly on the nose. “Why don’t you tell Yuu you’re bored and you want to do something with him?”

“It’s not just with him. I want... to do more things.”

“Ooooh! Extracurriculars, huh?”

They inched forward in line.

“Yeah. But also... Yuu.”

“Lavi, stop contradicting yourself!” Lenalee said, smiling, and raised her tray in the air, only to bring it down soundly on top of Lavi’s head.

“Ow!” He yelled. His hands flew to his head and his knees buckled, sending him into an awkward squat. His tray clattered to the floor. “What the hell, Lenalee?”

“Indecisive,” She said, smiling brightly.

“What?”

“It’s a male thing. Not your fault.”

“Lenalee!” Lavi retrieved his tray and stood all the way up. Again they inched forward, this time somewhat more significantly.

“What? Anyway, join a club or something. Hell, join a fraternity. You don’t need Yuu-kun to go out and enjoy yourself. And if you want to stay _in_ and enjoy yourself, why don’t you just _tell_ him that you’re not fully satisfied? I’m sure Yuu-kun wouldn’t mind giving you a little handy here and there.”

Lavi blushed. “L- _Lenalee_!”

“ _What_? It’s perfectly solid advice. You’re a big boy, Lavi, it’s time to start doing things yourself.”

They dropped the subject, more because Lavi was currently too flustered for speech than for any other reason.

\---

When Lavi sidled into the room, opening the door as little as possible and veritably _creeping_ along the tiled floor to his bed, all while forcing his gaze to somewhere near the bookshelf above his bed, Yuu knew something was up.

Lavi hadn’t been home when he’d gotten back. Which was odd. But maybe he’d had a group meeting or something and had meant to be back earlier, so he’d not informed Yuu. Or maybe he’d gone down the hall to play video games with Jason. Either way, he wasn’t worried. There hadn’t been any sign of Bookman since they had returned, so he’d spent the time until the redhead made his entrance doing homework.

Sighing, he put down his textbook.

“You’re no ninja, Lavi.”

The boy twitched with such force that he nearly lost his balance. He wobbled for a moment, and when he’d stabilized himself, Yuu spoke again.

“You aren’t exactly the master of subterfuge.”

“Oh, hi, Yuu, I didn’t expect you to be back!” Lavi said, turning around in an exaggerated manner.

“And my aunt’s a poodle. Come here. What’s up?”

Lavi set down his bookbag at the side of his bed and then walked over to Yuu. Yuu closed his notebook and slid it under his covers to hide with the other random things at the foot of his bed. Just for good measure, he thrust his pencil in after it, making sure to slide the lead back into the plastic so that it wouldn’t accidentally write on his blankets. He had standards of cleanliness by which to abide.

“Nothing, I just... didn’t want to bother you. You looked busy.”

“You didn’t even look at me.”

“I sensed it. Through the door.”

Yuu rolled his eyes. “Well, I’m not busy anymore. So, what’s up?”

“Why would you think something’s up?”

Yuu wanted to strangle him. Instead he just decided to startle him. He was close enough anyway. He reached out and grabbed hold of the rabbit, dragging him down onto his bed before the redhead had any idea what was going on. He squawked. Yuu had not expected him to flail as much as he did and so he lost control of the fall. Lavi somehow--inexplicably--landed on top of him, rather awkwardly. Yuu’s hips had stayed partially in the opposite direction, leaving him in a rather contorted stretch, and Lavi’s body weight slamming on top of him seemed to have exerted enough pressure to elicit an enormous crack. He hissed, gritted his teeth, but a yelp escaped nonetheless.

And then there was the relief. He felt limber as Daisya after his morning coffee. Sighing, he looked up at Lavi. For half a moment, he was astonished at just how _green_ Lavi’s eyes were. There was no way they were actually that green on a day-to-day basis. It was probably colored contacts or something.

And Lavi’s body was awfully close. The boy blushed and began to push himself up, but Yuu decided he liked where Lavi was. He adjusted his hips into a neutral position as Lavi moved up, and as soon as he was comfortable, he reached up, linked his arms around Lavi’s waist, and pulled him right back down where he wanted him.

After the desired relocation had been achieved, Yuu removed his hand from Lavi’s back and caught him by the chin to hold it in place. Then he leaned up and kissed him.

Lavi gasped against his lips. As if he’d been completely surprised that their compromising position had led to something like this. What a _baka_. He pulled Lavi even closer, pressing them entirely together. He could feel Lavi’s sharp breaths. He could feel the expansion of his chest each time the boy inhaled. Their hips were melded together, nearly grinding with the subtle movements of their bodies. He felt the barest hint of skin against his as their shirts rose up.

Lavi’s hands grasped his shoulders, latching on, clenching in the fabric of Yuu’s shirt. The kiss deepened. Yuu felt the familiar tightening of muscles as pleasure began to build at his core. Fear pushed adrenaline into his system, skyrocketed his heartbeat, but he kissed Lavi harder, nipping his lip, wrapping his tongue around Lavi’s, moaning as Lavi pushed their hips together just a little more. He was better than his fear. And Lavi deserved a responsive boyfriend.

And maybe he kind of wanted this too.

In fact, he was sure he did. His hands fell from Lavi’s back to his sides, and from there, he shimmied them down to Lavi’s hips. He’d done this millions of times, but this time was different. There was a different need here than there had been then. There was want. He rubbed circles around the hipbones and then reached around back, cupping Lavi’s ass and pulling him so that their clothed arousals pushed against each other.

Lavi squawked again. Yuu wanted to laugh at the sound, but he was pretty sure he’d made a noise too. And he couldn’t exactly concentrate on something so complex at the moment. He tilted his head to the side, extending his neck toward Lavi.

The redhead got the message, somehow. Maybe there was an almighty God in the sky, because that boy was the thickest idiot Yuu had ever met, especially where sex was involved. Couldn’t tell a scrotum from a tennis ball.

As Lavi began experimenting (not so smoothly) with licking and nipping at his neck, Yuu shivered. Despite Lavi’s lack of experience, it felt good. He let out an uncharacteristically breathy sigh. “Yes...”

He began playing with the hem of Lavi’s shirt. He hadn’t brought on a panic attack yet, so why not push his luck?

“Yuu,” Lavi murmured against his neck.

“Hm?” Yuu responded by running a hand up the front of Lavi’s shirt and tweaking a nipple. Lavi gasped, and he twitched against Yuu’s pants. Yuu couldn’t quite get enough control over his facial features to smirk.

“Is this too much?” Lavi shifted backward.

“No.”

Lavi leaned back in. He continued the awkward yet arousing things he was doing with Yuu’s neck.

“You sure?” He asked between soft kisses.

“Yes. If it was too much, I’d stop you. Now don’t stop.” He arched his back from the mattress and slid a leg between Lavi’s. The redhead moaned, deep and guttural, against Yuu’s neck, sending goosebumps down his arms.

It seemed like the redhead was finally ready to take a risk or two, because Yuu felt the other boy’s hand begin to make its way under his shirt and upward. He tensed for half a second, but not because he was afraid; rather, the touch was too soft, too tentative, and though Yuu had never considered himself ticklish, the barest of laughs spilled from his mouth. Lavi hesitated.

“Harder,” Yuu said, and Lavi’s touch grew stronger, though no less tentative.

As a reward, Yuu rubbed his upper thigh between Lavi’s legs, adding more pressure each time Lavi inched his hand higher. Finally Lavi moaned again, loud this time, and a little desperate.

“Oh, God, Yuu, please.”

“Then touch me, Rabbit.” His words came out thickly accented. He would have scowled at himself, but he was a little busy because Lavi’s hands became very brave indeed.

Abandoning the job beneath Yuu’s shirt, Lavi reached between them and put a hand directly on his erection.

A heavy breeze slammed through Yuu’s brain, entering one ear and taking all thought out his head through the other.

Then Lavi undid his fly and heaved down both their pants. There was a brief pause, probably for Lavi to take a look at his... commodities. Yuu was not enormous or anything, but he’d seen enough penis to be confident in his own.

“Lavi,” Yuu tried to growl, but it came out too soft. He sounded... very aroused.

“Oh. Right. Sorry.”

Lavi’s hand encircled him. The world constricted. He probably looked like a fish, with his mouth hanging open and wobbling with shock.

It had never been like this. Good. Pleasant. Something he wanted. But now it was, and he found himself completely out of control. His hips bucked up into Lavi’s hand. Foreign sounds ripped from his throat. His hands flew to his sides and clasped at the blankets. The hand stopped. Yuu growled. It started again.

He turned his head to the side, because that was sexier and what was expected of him. It was what the customers wanted, so of course Lavi would enjoy it if he did that. Ice crackled at his fingertips.

He saw the face of the woman. Blonde. Obviously bleached because she was not a foreigner. Skin beginning to wrinkle but still taut. He felt her take his hand, guide it between her legs.

He went rigid. He pulled his hand away. He yelled.

“No, no, get off me. Stop. Now.” Yuu pushed and flailed his way out from under Lavi.

The boy scuttled backward, abandoning everything he’d been doing.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Yuu, I didn’t mean to do that, I’m sorry I grabbed your hand, are you okay?”

Yuu was gasping in lungfuls of air. It wasn’t working; he couldn’t breathe. The world began to spin, so he curled up, trying harder and harder to bring in at least one fresh breath, but he couldn’t. And Lavi’s arms were around him, and maybe he was saying something. Yuu didn’t know. He stared at the off-white wall next to his bed, trying to orient himself, trying to calm down enough to understand the words Lavi was saying to him. He stared for what seemed like forever, until finally, he managed a breath that didn’t feel crushing or constricting.

He wondered how long he’d been staring; he hoped not too long. It couldn’t have been more than a few minutes, Yuu realized to his relief. In fact, it had only been a few minutes since the whole situation had started.

He sat up, accidentally jarring Lavi in the process. The boy followed suit, looking worried.

“I’m fine. It’s alright.” He still sounded breathless, but relatively calm.

“You’re sure? What happened? I’m so sorry; I didn’t think you’d--”

“Shh, it wasn’t your fault.”

“But I was the one that went and grabbed your--”

“Lavi,” Yuu said sharply. He grabbed the boy’s hand. “It wasn’t your fault. I was... really enjoying it. And I’m sorry I keep doing this.”

“ _You’re_ apologizing to _me_?”

“Yes. I keep leaving you... like that.” He gestured in the vague direction of Lavi’s pants with his other hand.

“It’s alright. I don’t care. It’s my fault anyway.”

“Listen to me.” He squeezed Lavi’s hand. “I know you’re frustrated.” Lavi squawked yet again, causing Yuu to smile, a wry laugh squeezing its way into the open. “I am... also frustrated. In both senses. And I’m failing you.”

“You’re not!”

“I am. How can I be a proper partner to you if I can’t even be physical with you?”

“It’s--it’s not about that,” Lavi insisted. He placed his other hand over Yuu’s.

“It is. Lenalee texted today--”

“ _What_!? She _told_ you!?”

“She told me you wanted to talk to me about something, and you’d be antsy about the subject. I asked if it had something to do with our relationship. She has a big mouth. It wasn’t hard to guess. I’m... painfully aware of my flaws.”

“They’re not flaws, Yuu.”

“They are, so shut up and let me talk.”

“Yes, sir.”

“What did I say about shutting up?” Yuu smiled. He used his free hand to grasp Lavi behind the head and pull him to his chest. He kissed the unruly mop of hair and ran his fingers through the strands. His hand got stuck in the tangles that had formed during their previous activities. Lavi laughed, and Yuu managed a chuckle.

Removing his hand slowly from the frumpy mess, Yuu continued, “I’m still... working on things.” Lavi’s head was still resting on his chest, but Yuu turned his head away as if the boy was staring right at him. “It may be some time before I... before I’d like to try that again. But don’t be afraid to touch me. Ever. I won’t get better if you walk on eggshells. And Lavi?” Yuu gazed down into his boyfriend’s impossibly red locks.

“Yeah?” Lavi asked. He craned his neck back so that the two of them were looking directly at each other.

“You let me know when you’re frustrated. I may be a bit... reticent about being touched, but I have no problem with actual touching. So whenever you’re feeling a little... well, whenever you’re horny, I’d like to help you out with that.”

“No, that’s okay, Yuu. I’m okay on my own.”

Yuu sighed in exasperation. There were times he wanted to hit the rabbit, he admitted it. “Let me do this for you.”

“Why would you want to?” The rest of the sentence was unspoken but heavy in the air: _why would you want to if you’re not getting anything in return_?

“Because I... love you, Lavi, and I want to show you that.” He looked away. You weren’t supposed to say stuff like that so soon. Oh, God, now he wanted to take that back. It was a foolish thing to say. God, why was he so _stupid_?

“You... love me?”

“ _Che_. Why are you acting so surprised, _baka_? I should slice you up with Mugen for being so stupid. You’re such an idiot.” He smacked the dumbass’s head (lightly) to demonstrate his disapproval.

“You love me?”

“Yes, now shut up about it. I know I’m not... exactly the best person out there for you. I’m damaged. I’m no good. I’m an asshole. But I _care_ about you, so shut up and let me touch you when you want me to.”

“O-okay,” Lavi said. He sounded a little breathless.

“Good, then we can shut up about this and you can eat some of the cake I baked this afternoon.”

Even as he redirected Lavi’s attention, he knew that the boy would never come to him for something like that. He’d feel too guilty or some nonsense like that. Yuu made a resolution to be a little more hands-on in their relationship.

That way Lavi got what he wanted and Yuu didn’t have to think about how fucked up he was for a while yet.

\---

January 21

Lavi had decided to skip his morning class. It had been a really simple decision, and he didn’t regret going and eating breakfast with Yuu. In fact, breakfast just seemed to taste better that day. Maybe it was because the eggs weren’t quite as rubbery as they normally were, but Lavi had a suspicion that it was because he actually had someone to talk to. It was nice; he’d have to try and convince the dark-haired boy to eat with him more often. Not that he wasn’t confident that the other boy would give in to the idea.

The day seemed to be looking like it would be a good one. It was sunny, even. The snow was beginning to melt, too. It was the first above freezing day in a long time. They walked leisurely down the sidewalk together. Lavi even dared to reach out and grab Yuu’s hand for a few paces before becoming too awkward. The Japanese boy chuckled at that and grabbed his hand back.

They made their way past the student center. It was right before they were supposed to split up, but there was an abnormally large crowd of people out in front, gathered around one of the large trees by the building. Without exchanging words, they decided to go see what the commotion was. The sound of police sirens were just beginning to cut through the anxious roar of the crowd. Lavi pushed his way into the crowd, but he didn’t have to get far before we saw what the fuss was about.

He felt sick.

He’d wondered where Bookman had been. It looked like the organization had finally caught up with him. It had only been a matter of time, but what was most shocking was that they had left the body in a public place... it had to be a warning. They’d strung him up in the tree, after they’d killed him, obviously. The lack of blood at the wounds to his throat were enough to gauge that without guessing. Did this mean they were telling him that he was next? It was the only possible reason why they had even left any evidence at all.

A hand came to his shoulder, and he jumped a little. It was only Yuu, of course, looking concerned. As he should be. This was serious.

“Let’s go back,” Yuu said, grabbing onto his arm. Lavi didn’t resist, though he wasn’t afraid. Instead, it was almost like he was relieved, at peace, even. The only person connecting him to that life was dead, and even though he knew his life was in more danger now than it had ever been, he couldn’t help but smile a tiny bit.

He was sure the fear would hit him soon enough, but for that moment, the sun was still shining and he was by Yuu’s side, so how could he be afraid?


	22. The Good Times are Killing Me

Chapter 22 -- The Good Times are Killing Me

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live

\---Dorothy Thompson

_February 5th_

Lavi still had a blank expression on his face when he thought Yuu wasn’t looking. He’d improved over the past two weeks from sullen silence and forced laughter to almost genuine smiles and clumsy attempts at jokes. It seemed as if the redhead was becoming more and more relieved as the days passed. Like each one was another step away from the impending doom that had been looming. Not that he was all better. But each day, he perked up a little more.

However, when left to his own devices--such as when Yuu ignored him to get his homework finished--Lavi tended to retreat from the present. Right now, he was staring at the wall at the head of his bed. The day they’d passed Bookman’s body in the tree, Lavi had ripped down what remained of his sparse decorations. That distasteful picture of the mushroom cloud over Hiroshima had been torn in half, then tossed into the metal standard-issue trash can. Lavi had tried to light it on fire, but Yuu had noticed and swiped the lighter from Lavi’s hand before any damage could be done.

“Don’t set the whole room on fire!” He’d yelled, raising the lighter high above his head with one hand while pushing Lavi’s face back with the other. After a few seconds of struggle, the rabbit had slumped. Yuu had felt the churning of guilt in his gut at once. He shouldn’t have raised his voice--not when Lavi was like this.

The wall stayed bare for the first week after Bookman’s death, as vacant as Lavi’s expression when he thought Yuu wasn’t looking. Then, as January came to a close, Yuu walked into the room to find something new. A calendar had been pasted just beneath Lavi’s overhead bookshelf, which ran the length of his bed. It was one of the generic ones you could get at the campus bookstore, with pictures of the various buildings. January’s was the student center, complete with bronze statue, on a sunny day in winter, covered by a rich blanket of crisp, white snow.

Each time he’d returned to the dorm, new items had appeared on the walls by Lavi’s bed. His corkboard, which he’d also stripped extensively, now held many pictures of their group of friends--of Lizzie and Jason and Lenalee and the two of them. Even a photo of Yuu’s family from this Christmas had emerged, and Yuu expected Lenalee had had a hand in procuring it. Daisya was wearing jingling reindeer antlers and moving around so much that his face appeared blurred in the picture. Lavi held Yuu’s hand tightly, the scarf wrapped too many times around his neck, making him look a little like an Elizabethan lordling.

Yuu smiled each time a new photo went up, especially when he found one framed at the head of Lavi’s bed: a candid picture of the two of them asleep on the couch. Lavi had denied it, but Yuu was certain he was drooling on Yuu’s shoulder in the picture.

“Gonna go for a walk,” Lavi muttered, breaking his intense stare at the foot of his bed. He took care to walk softly and shut the door with barely a noise.

Yuu put his notebook down five minutes later. His head didn’t ache, but his eyes stung from staring for too long. He thought for a moment of his razor and how good it would feel to release some tension. He shook his head. This was not the time. He wasn’t going back.

Stretching, Yuu shimmied off his bed and went to his desk. He grabbed the topmost sketchbook and leafed through until he found a blank page. But his brain pounded the inside of his skull like it was knocking on the door to the outside world. Closing his eyes, Yuu dropped the sketchbook back on the pile and brought his fingertips to his temples. They throbbed in response. There was the headache. He pinched at the bridge of his nose. Nope, not helpful.

He didn’t know where Lavi kept the ibuprofen, and since his stores had run out just before Christmas and he’d forgotten to grab more, there was nothing to be done for now. Macroeconomics would have to wait. He remembered that he had a warm compress somewhere in his desk, so he opened the big drawer, hoping that it hadn’t been misplaced. His hand brushed against the cool glass of the bell jar that contained his lotus. He lifted it out of the drawer so that he would have an easier time in his search, but as he set it down on the desktop he noticed the flower shake and a single, withered petal floated to the bottom to join its brethren.

His headache vanished abruptly, but instead of relief, he felt a familiar coldness seep into his stomach. He counted the petals slowly. Twelve. Yuu’s mind swam with questions. He hadn’t done anything to injure himself since the lotus had been recovered the previous month, so why were the petals wilting? There had to be an explanation, but he couldn’t see one. His mind worked sluggishly--he’d been working too hard.

How to bring it up to Lavi? He’d have to tell him--he refused to hide something so important--but the timing didn’t feel right. Lavi was still convinced someone was going to kill him, and though he hadn’t said anything on the subject, Bookman had once been Lavi’s whole world, the only human connection he’d been allowed to have. His loss, no matter their estrangement, had to be tearing at him more than he showed.

He brushed a finger over the curved top of the bell jar. The remaining petals quivered. Inside, the coldness in his stomach iced over his ribcage, aiming for his heart. He narrowed his eyes at the petals. Delicate and lovely as always, they nonetheless seemed lacking somehow, almost like he was looking at a picture. Something to be posted on a corkboard. A memory.

Most things in his life seemed to come down to memories. The bad and the good. For so long, he’d been living his life haunted by memories that seemed more real than the present. Like his life was the photo and those nightmares were the reality he was forced to live over and over again until everything was frozen over. But that wasn’t the case anymore. For years he’d lived with a preponderance of the bad. But now was different. Those faces and dreams were the memories that could be put down in a notebook and set up on a shelf somewhere to gather dust. Because he wasn’t cold anymore. He wasn’t the scared little boy that he had been. Somewhere along the line, he had learned to trust people again. Tiedoll. Lenalee. His whole motley family. Lavi.

It dawned on him slowly, replacing the creeping fear that gripped his stomach at the sight of the petal. A revelation. He had been so attached to the flower, but maybe that was the problem. He wondered what would happen if the last petal did fall. Maybe this remnant, like all the others, was meant to fade away as well. Maybe it was time he stopped being afraid.

_Yes, that’s right._

He turned around on his heel, not knowing what to expect, but feeling the weight of those words as if they had been spoken directly into his ear. Nothing. No one. Not even the sound of footsteps in the hall. He shook his head. It was probably someone watching tv or talking loudly on their phone. His attention moved back to the lotus. He made to put the bell jar back in the drawer, but his hand hesitated just above the glass. Was he ready?

_It's now or never._

He nodded to himself, a final affirmation, and gently set the lotus in its place. The drawer slid shut with a small _click_ and what almost sounded like a sigh. He chose to ignore the small whisper gently urging him on. With his headache gone, it would make sense to get back to his homework, but the Macroeconomics assignment wasn’t due for two days and he’d finished everything else pressing. He could still do with that break. Slipping on his shoes, the laces slipping from his trembling fingers, he went to go find Lavi. The strange voice had been nothing to worry about--it was something mundane. He wasn’t going insane on top of his other problems.

He didn’t have to jog very far. Lavi walked slowly when he was thinking, and since Bookman had started making attempts on his life, he usually stuck to well-lit, populated areas. It was a bit late for the whole “populated” bit, although an elderly man rode by on a bike with his dog cantering at his side. The streetlamps made Lavi’s hair practically glow in the growing dark, so he stood out. Yuu caught up to him quickly.

“Lavi,” he said, smiling. He caught his boyfriend’s hand as it swung lazily back. Lavi yelped and twitched, but when he looked over at Yuu, he was smiling too. Genuine.

“Figured you were doing homework.”

“Macro gave me a headache.” He squeezed his hand. Lavi squeezed back.

“Have I lost track of time or something?”

“No. You’ve been gone maybe five minutes.”

“Good.” Lavi sighed with relief. “I thought maybe I’d been standing here for a lot longer.” He’d done that twice since Bookman’s death. Just lost track of time as he processed his thoughts and emotions. Probably a remnant of his training--probably categorizing and sterilizing any stray feeling that passed through his mind.

“Nope,” said Yuu.

“How’s the headache?” Lavi brought his free hand up to Yuu’s forehead. His fingers traced lightly beneath Yuu’s hairline. Yuu momentarily forgot how to breathe.

“It… it went away,” he said, looking away. He hadn’t mentioned that he’d felt it coming on, and it hadn’t fully hit until Lavi had left.

The redhead laughed. “Maybe you were just tired of Macro, then. I can usually tell when you’re going to get a headache. You start roll your neck while you’re reading and you get all squinty. It’s normally just a few more minutes before you start complaining.”

Yuu shook his head. Lavi was too observant for his own good sometimes. “No, it’s… here, I want to show you. See what you think. It shouldn’t be doing this.”

“What? What’s this about?”

Yuu tugged a little at Lavi’s hand, and Lavi began to follow. When they got back to the room, he shucked off his shoes and went to the drawer.

“Is this about your weird lotus flower thing?” Lavi asked. Yuu heard the patter of bare feet on tile as he approached.

“Yeah,” Yuu said, lifting the bell jar out again. He turned to place it on his bed. But Lavi was directly behind him, so close he probably had thought Yuu wanted him to look over his shoulder. Yuu took a sharp breath. He lost his hold on the bell jar. It fell.

With a jolt, Yuu lunged for it. He twisted as it went down, hands flailing at the glass. He almost caught it. Almost. But his fingertips slid along the curved glass and it shattered. The glass flew everywhere. Something twinged, then erupted, in his ankle. Then his knees hit the tiles

“Oh my god. Yuu!” Lavi’s voice sounded like he was shouting into a pillow.

The light reflected everywhere. The lotus flower, brighter but more sick-looking, seemed unharmed in its delicate ceramic pot. The withered petals lay strewn in the immediate area, dead as October leaves, shining with fine fragments of glass, a bright layer of gossamer to hide the decay.

“Yuu! Yuu, are you okay?” Lavi asked. His hands were on Yuu’s shoulders, shaking him. The twelve petals still attached to the flower swayed dangerously.

“I’m fine,” he said absently. “My ankle’s throbbing, but--”

“Forget your ankle--you’ve got fucking glass in your knees!”

Yuu looked down. The pain didn’t come right away. Blood dripped on the light gray tiles, filling the air with the copper scent of blood, heavy on Yuu’s tongue. Then there it was, at the edge of his awareness, a light pain that soon blossomed into a tidal wave that plunged him under the waters and disoriented him until he couldn’t tell where the surface was any longer.

“Breathe,” Lavi said. “Breathe, it’s okay.”

But Yuu couldn’t. Or if he could, it was too difficult to concentrate on it right now. There was only the pain all around him, all inside him. It used to bring him relief. He used to seek it out. Now it sucker punched him..

“There’s glass everywhere. Don’t… Here.” Hands went under his armpits, and he felt himself moving. In the back of his mind, somewhere away from everything, he understood that Lavi was hefting him up onto his bed. His knees screamed as the embedded glass cut him further.

“I lost another petal,” he said as the pain subsided enough to let him think.

“Well, after that fall, I wouldn’t be surprised,” Lavi said with a forced chuckle.

“No. Before. The headache. I had a headache, but you have the medicine, so I went for the hot compress. It’s in the drawer. I saw the petal fall.”

“Okay,” Lavi said, not looking at him. “I mean, you’ve lost them before.”

“Not so quickly,” he said. His ankle still burned.

Lavi had a lighter and some tweezers in his hand. He’d set the flame to burn higher. It danced tall and flickering over the tweezers. There was a flashlight in Yuu’s lap. He didn’t remember it getting there.

“Get the peroxide first,” Yuu said, “and some neosporin and gauze.”

“Why?” Lavi asked as he set the lighter down.

“You’re getting the glass shards out before I heal over them, right?” Yuu said. “It’s not like my wound will spit out the little bits of glass. I just regenerate quickly.”

“Yeah,” Lavi said. “Which is why I didn’t grab more than what I did. We need to get them out as quickly as possible. If you heal quickly, I doubt you’ll get an infection.”

Yuu looked at him like he was on The Office.

“Go get some shit to clean out the wound. I’d prefer peroxide to alcohol. Smells slightly better.”

“I think they smell equally chemically.”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m gonna get out of these pants, and since I probably can’t walk quite yet--and since I probably bruised the fuck out of my patellas--”

“Patellae,” Lavi muttered. Yuu ignored him.

“--you’re going to grab that shit. Also a couple cotton balls or Q-Tips. Oh, and some ibuprofen.”

“The pain will fade,” Lavi said. “It usually does when you heal.”

“Are you forgetting the part where you’re sticking tweezers into an open wound to dig around for shards of glass?” Yuu snapped. “Because I’m not.”

“That’s not exactly something ibuprofen’s gonna cover,” Lavi said. “And anyway, it wouldn’t come into effect in time. Would you like a stick to bite down on instead?”

“Fuck you,” Yuu said, scowling.

“Fuck you too,” Lavi said, and he smiled. It was dazzling. Yuu bared his teeth. Lavi grabbed a tissue and stuck the tweezers on them, then went to Yuu’s desk to grab the first-aid kit.

They got most of the glass out just fine. It was a little difficult to get some of the smaller pieces out, and they had to relocate to the bathroom to rinse out the wound with enough pressure to blast out (or so they hoped) any remaining bits. By that time, the worst of it had healed, and a quick rub of peroxide over the wound cleaned out the parts that would take longer. The rest was neosporin and gauze. Then they looked at Yuu’s ankle.

“Sprained, most likely, or simply strained,” Lavi said after prodding at it longer than Yuu thought was strictly necessary. “We’ve got an ice pack and a pressure bandage, so nothing bad there. It’ll probably be better by morning.”

Yuu watched from his bed as Lavi picked up the glass, swept the floor, and commandeered the ancient, communal vacuum to get anything he’d missed. His ankle had stopped throbbing by the time Lavi finished, and Yuu couldn’t tell if it was because of the ice or his lotus’s healing power. He decided he didn’t care.

As Lavi put the vacuum back in the supply closet, Yuu stood and began testing his knees. He felt no pain, except in his ankle. They’d probably gotten all the glass. And if there _were_ any complications, he could heal from those, too. Probably.

He sat back down on his bed and waited for Lavi.

“Do you know how difficult it was to find that bell jar to begin with?” He asked Lavi when he returned moments later. If he was honest with himself, though, he didn’t care.

“Probably a lot,” Lavi said. “It’s okay; that’s what ebay is for. Or that’s what Lenalee says.”

Yuu grinned. “She would.”

The redhead sat down on the bed next to him and wrapped his arms around him.

“So you’ve got twelve petals now, huh?” He said.

“I guess so. What’s weird, though, is that the headache stopped the second the petal fell.”

“Huh.”

“I’ve never had a warning before. I’ve never felt it coming on.” He pulled Lavi close.

“Huh.”

“Lavi,” Yuu said.

“What?” Lavi kissed his temple.

“That’s all you have to say?”

“That’s all I can think of saying. I don’t have answers for you, Yuu.” Lavi pulled him a little closer. “Besides, I doubt you want a blow-by-blow of what I’m thinking.”

Yuu leaned into him, resting his head on the redhead’s shoulder. He could feel the frantic pulse of Lavi’s heart. It wasn’t only the sight of blood that was making Lavi anxious.

“Are you okay?” Yuu asked. He’d be so preoccupied with everything else...

“I’m fine.”

Too quick.

A long silence came after that. Yuu didn’t want to break it, but there was tension in it, waiting and expanding, and soon the moment would end, but still he didn’t say anything because he knew what Lavi didn’t want to say. It was the same as all of the other times. That silence right after a big reveal or blow up. They were marching into the unknown and that meant--

“I’m scared,” he said.

“Me too.”

There wasn’t anything else to say.

\---

_February 8_

Physics. The answer to all the questions of the universe. The beautiful blend of math and science to create an understanding of the world. Lavi loved it.

And yet, Lavi hated it.

Not because it wasn’t interesting. Not because he didn’t appreciate its value. Not even because he found it boring.

It was because the professor just kept droning on and on, barely modulating his voice with even the most normal of emotions. He just stood there, slowly intoning each word as if it was not connected to the last, and even with Lavi’s superior attention span, it was difficult to follow this stuffy old man’s train of thought.

His eyes drooped. Even the can of Coke he’d bought for the express purpose of keeping him alert seemed to do him no good. As the professor’s words washed over his face, Lavi found himself blinking slowly and turning his head to find anything else to look at. Something interesting enough to keep him awake. Maybe he’d just soak up the information he heard. Or maybe he could read the chapter that evening and understand it better. In truth, he should’ve read the chapter before class, but he’d spent the previous evening spending time with Yuu. They’d even gone to the fancier dining hall on campus to get food. Almost like a date, only not really at all.

His gaze landed on the girl who he’d bowled over a few weeks ago. She still sat in the corner far to Lavi’s right, and although she wasn’t picking her nose now, she was scratching the bridge. No. She was fiddling with a piercing there. A simple bar bell.

With renewed interest, Lavi looked closer. The girl had buzzed her big mess of hair so short Lavi could see the skin beneath. He was just admiring the gauges in her left ear when she looked at him. Directly into his eyes. He saw a matching gauge in the right ear.

Her eyes narrowed and she mouthed a word at him. Lavi couldn’t make out what it was. He wasn’t Superman.

He looked away, continued staring anywhere but back at her for the rest of the class, even though it almost caused him to nod off once or twice. When class ended, though, she packed up quickly and marched up to his desk.

“Why were you staring at me?” She asked. She didn’t sound angry, but Lavi didn’t want to push his luck.

“Sorry, just thought you were more interesting than the professor,” he said, hoping he sounded nonchalant.

“What, because of the hair?” She asked as she crossed her arm and shifted her weight onto her left foot. “God, what is with people? It’s just a fucking buzz cut.”

Lavi gathered up the rest of his things, avoiding her sharp gaze. “I was noting the change. I like making note of things. More interesting than the lecture.”

They were too far to the back of the amphitheater-sized lecture hall for the professor to hear, but Lavi still glanced in his direction just in case. You could never be too careful. But the professor had left the room.

To his surprise, the girl chuckled. “I guess that’s true. Of course, anything’s more interesting that that old fart, especially buzz cut girl.”

“I think it looks cool,” Lavi said. “Shows off your piercings nicely.” He hoped it didn’t sound like he was trying to hit on her. That would be weird.

She smiled. “I’m Ace. What’s your name?”

“Ace is kind of a weird name to stand on its own. What’s it short for?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

Lavi stood up, securing his Christmas scarf around his neck and gathering his things in his arms. “I’m Lavi.”

“It’s short for a stupid girly name. Grace. My parents call me Gracie. Makes me wanna barf.” She followed him out of the row of desks and swivel chairs and down the stairs to the door.

“Grace isn’t a stupid name,” Lavi said.

“My girlfriend says that,” Ace said. “But I think she’s lying.”

“Just because it’s girly doesn’t make it stupid.”

“I guess. But what makes it stupid is that my parents think I’m some miracle child. So I’m their ‘Grace’ or something stupid like that. Why couldn’t I get a Normal People name?”

“Better than Lavi. I’ve never met anyone else named Lavi.”

They reached the door, and Grace pulled it open, smiling. Lavi counted seven piercings on her face, not including the one on the bridge of her nose: three in one eyebrow and two in the other, one in her septum, and one at the bottom corner of her lips.

“Is that short for something? Like Lavinicus or some weird, pretentious Latin name?”

Lavi smiled. “Nope. Just Lavi. I think it’s Hebrew for ‘lion’ but my family wasn’t Jewish or anything and I think they just wanted something from a baby book that sounded cool.” The lie he’d prepared months ago slipped easily from his lips. He hated it.

Ace laughed, mouth open and head tilted back, a big bellowing laugh that sounded more like an awkward string of guffaws. “That’s great. Love it when parents don’t give a damn about meaning.” Lavi caught a glint of metal in her mouth as she talked.

“I guess.” He didn’t know what to say next.

“I gotta run to my next class--only ten minutes between, so I literally mean run.”

“Oh, okay,” Lavi said. “Uh, it was good talking to you. Maybe we should sit next to each other next class. Make it more entertaining.”

“Sure,” she said, flashing him a smile. “Find me on Facebook, by the way. I’m under Ace Ventura because I was drunk and thought it was a good idea. It should show me as on the Harvard network. Anyway, see ya.”

And she ran off without looking back. Lavi stood there a moment, blinking, and then walked back to his dorm to read the chapter he’d been too lazy to look over before class.

\---

_February 13_

“He’s just so… oh, I don’t know. He just never reacts like I think he’s going to, you know?” Lizzie complained.

“Uh, I guess?” Lavi replied.

That hadn’t been the response she had come for. Lavi was so smart, just as smart as Jason, so he should have been the perfect person to ask about her problem.

“It’s like every time I try and hint that I want to be something a little… more, he just either laughs it off like I’m joking or he ignores it completely! Oh, God, maybe he thinks I’ve friendzoned him or something!”

That was a legitimate option. After all, he had been the one she had dragged with her to Planned Parenthood last week. That had been traumatizing enough for her; thinking back, she couldn’t even begin to imagine how it must have been for him.

“I am such an idiot.” She put her head in her hands.

“Maybe he’s just being really thick about it?” Lavi offered, sounding hopeful.

“Maybe. Do you think if I just told him straight out, it would work? Oh, God, but what if he says no? Like, he may not want to be friends anymore. He’s been with me through so much! Lavi, help!” She felt a little like crying and knew it was probably hormones. Even worse, she always got all blotchy when she cried and that was not cute. Not cute at all.

“I don’t know what to say, Lizzie. Maybe you should be talking to him about this. After all, I’ve never been good with the whole emotions and relationships thing.”

“What are you talking about, Lavi?” She exclaimed, forgetting to hide her face as she stared at him like he’d grown a second head. “You and Yuu have a great relationship! I get so jealous sometimes.” She deflated. “But you’re probably right. I wonder if he’s in his room?”

Lizzie sighed. There was no other way, then.

She got up to leave but was suddenly panic-stricken. Did her hair look okay? She checked the mirror on the wall. Her hair was its usual self: straight, with that annoying wave halfway through that would not go away no matter how hard she tried to straighten it. So annoying. Her face was not nearly so blotchy as she’d thought it might be. In fact, it looked fine. Clear, completely unblemish--

No. No, no, no, no. That was not what she wanted. But there it was, right on her nose.

“I can’t do it, Lavi. I can’t face him. Not like this.” She may have sounded calm, but inside she was beginning to tear up.

“What? Why not?” The redhead was standing up now, looking worried.

“I can’t have him see me like this! I’m hideous!” Okay, there were the tears.

“It can’t be that bad, Lizzie. What is it?”

“A zit! I have a huge pimple because of my fucking hormones. And now I’m going to be BLOTCHY!” Was she yelling? She felt like she might have been yelling.

She couldn’t let anyone see her now, so she did the only thing she could: She ran. Bolting from her friend’s room, she made a beeline for her dorm. Down the hallway, through the empty kitchenette, and she was almost there. She looked down the grab her keys, but in that moment, she ran straight into someone.

“In a hurry there? Jeez, Lizzie, what happened to you?”

Her world was going to end. There was no way he was ever going to think she was cute now. Even if he had seen her cry so many times. Those didn’t count, though. This was the worst possible thing that could have happened.

“Oh no, not you,” she squeaked.

“Well, gee, thanks, Lizzie,” Jason muttered.

Damn it. No. That was not what she had wanted to say.

“Sorry, I’m just a mess right now,” she said, avoiding eye contact. _Look at his hands. Stare at those._

“You need someone to cry on?” He asked. His hands kept moving. It was hard to follow them because they decided it was time to rest on her shoulders and it would look really stupid if she kept looking at them. The thought made her cry harder.

He was always so nice to her. She nodded and followed him to his room because her roommate was in and she hated it when Lizzie cried. Come to think of it, _Lizzie_ hated it when Lizzie cried. Stupid hormones.

She plopped down on his bed when they arrived. He hadn’t made it, so she cocooned herself up in the blankets as per usual. She heard him sigh a little and felt a small pat on her head.

“You always look like a burrito when you do that,” Jason said as he sat next to her.

Wriggling as much as she could, she managed to remain wrapped up as she climbed into his lap.

“So, is there a reason you were running down the hallway crying?” He asked.

She let her head rest against his chest and then looked up. “No.”

“I don’t really buy that.”

“Too bad.”

He gave her his skeptical look.

“Who made you cry?” He had his serious face on now. Lizzie liked his serious face. Well, she liked all of his faces, but this one was definitely one of her favorites. Even if it was a little blurry through the tears.

“I did.”

“You… made yourself cry?”

“Don’t you? Don’t you ever freak out over stuff so much you cry? No, I guess you don’t. You’re always so composed.” She sighed and nuzzled in his chest. His face was simply too perfect for her to gaze upon.

“I guess. But what were you freaking out about?”

 _Okay, Lizzie, this is your chance._ She looked back up into his perfect, serious face and tried not to remember how blotchy hers was in comparison.

“Well, I wanted to talk to you, but-but-there-was-this-zit-and-I-couldn’t-let-you-see-me-in-such-a-state-because-you-wouldn’t-like-me-and-that-would-be-terrible-because-you’re-supposed-to-like-me-and-if-you-didn’t-that-would-be-bad-and… and I’m such an idiot!”

She covered her mouth with the blanket in horror, and when she looked up again, he was just staring at her.

“What?” He asked.

Screw it, she thought and removed the blanket, leaning in to kiss him.

 

\---

 

This day had taken a bizarre twist. It had begun like every other day. He got up, went to class, came home, did his logs. He had not deviated from his routine in the slightest. So why was everything falling apart around him?

That girl. Why did she have to make things so damn complicated? He had not meant for her to fall for him. Well, he had. All the better to get the information. But he had not meant for it to go so disastrously wrong. He chastised himself for being so careless, so unaware, that he had been caught off guard by her sudden advances that afternoon. So startled, in fact, that he had retreated. Run from his own room. How unprofessional.

And why _had_ he run? It had been the perfect moment to implement his infiltration plan, to begin his research in earnest.

He was put off at how exposed he’d felt with her watery eyes staring up at him. And then she’d tried to kiss him. Hugging had been fine. Comforting her, even accompanying her to that godforsaken clinic, being the supportive friend while she got her bits checked. But _kissing!_ Kissing was right out.

He was currently three quarters of a mile away from his dorm. He had deemed that to be an appropriate distance from which to think without distraction. His brain kept frustratingly flickering back to the girl. Lizzie. Elizabeth. Her infernal freckles. The odd… wave that her hair had. How she always was blushing at… him.

Fuck. He had failed. A cold wave hit his gut like a punch, but he would have preferred a sword, a killing blow, over this. He didn’t understand when or why or even how. His time had come a few decades too early. He’d had such potential. His master had said he was the most promising apprentice any of them had seen since the Golden Age. But it was over.

This would be his final mission. It would not end in failure. He would complete it without hesitation. It would be his last service to the Bookmen. No failure could be allowed to live. It would have to be soon. He would do what he had been asked. He was due to wrap up his surveillance of the Wellington case within the next few months, but he’d gotten what he’d needed over the break. He could send in his reports as soon as he’d finished preparing them.

And then? And then, just like every Bookman before him, when the inevitable failure occurred, he would die. He would put a gun to his mouth and pull the trigger, spare anyone else the sad duty of cleanup. Because that was the one thing that no one ever said to apprentices: that failure was, and always will be, inevitable.

He had realized it long ago. The great secret of the Bookmen.

They were human.

\---

“And then he--he just ran away! Like I’d scared him or something!” She was sobbing. Legitimate sobbing with hiccups and mucus and tears and shaking. Everything. She’d shown up not long after she had barreled out of the room, weeping for an entirely different reason, zits long forgotten. Lavi just sat there patting his friend’s hair as tears soaked his pillow.

“Maybe you just startled him? I mean, I’ve run away from my share of emotional situations--just ask Yuu.” Oh, how he wished Yuu was there. Lavi was not cut out for this kind of turmoil.

“But Lavi! This is Jason. He doesn’t get like that. He’s not you.”

“Thanks.” It was so nice to know she had faith in him to keep his head.

“No, but he’s always so collected. Nothing phases him--ever! He’s so…” She let out a dreamy sigh before she seemed to remember exactly what had transpired only minutes before. He saw her face contort again in the same wrenching anguish of the lovesick.

He sympathized. He could only imagine how he would have reacted if he had been in Lizzie’s place, and Yuu in Jason’s. His stomach lurched. Best not to think of that right now.

“Maybe he just didn’t know how to respond and panicked?” Lavi said with a one-shouldered shrug. “He’ll probably be regretting it by now. He’s probably on his way back now to apologize.”

“I can’t face him now! What if he’s so disgusted with me, he can’t talk to me? I’ve ruined everything!” She let out a choked sob.

It only escalated from there. No going back now. Her sobs turned to elongated wails with deep, wrenching gasps. Her whole body shook with them, setting his mattress to creaking, and snot poured from her nose in a long, gooey rope.

Yuu walked in then, pinching at the apex of the bridge of his nose. He took a moment to observe the scene from the doorway: Lavi’s desperate look, Lizzie inconsolable, her high wails piercing the air. He blinked once, twice, then took a step back into the hallway.

Lavi shot his boyfriend (his mind still stumbling over the description a little, marveling at it) a dirty look.

 _Don’t you dare leave me here_ , it said. Yuu sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose once more, and entered the room.

Walking over, Yuu placed a hand on Lizzie’s head, ruffling her already mussed hair. He bent down so that his face was even with the pillow. He smiled slightly, almost delicately, when she lifted her face to meet his eyes.

“Hi, Yuu,” Lizzie said quietly.

“Lizzie,” Yuu said, his tone as light as his voice. He looked so calm, like he’d dealt with her hysterics before, which in retrospect he had, but not on this level. Perhaps it came from living for so long with Daisya. Whatever the reason, Yuu soon had their friend hiccuping as she contained the great tidal wave of sobs she’d previously let loose.

He’d asked Lavi to go and make some tea while he talked with her, and when he returned six and a half minutes later, she was smiling. It was a watery, tentative thing, but it was still a smile.

Lavi was glad. Ever since the day that they had returned to school, he’d spent a good deal of time observing Jason whenever they were in a common area together. He’d watched Jason’s face intently, gauging each expression as he studied, searching for the tiniest sign that he was right. Hiding behind a book, he had felt his stomach drop over and over again. What had begun as uneasiness had slowly formed into an ever tightening knot deep in his gut.

Lavi had recognized that hollow look on Jason’s face, had recognized Jason’s blank recitation. How not? He knew it well. Intimately, even. Hours of practice in front of a mirror, working his facial muscles into the perfect expression. Whack after whack from Bookman’s newspaper when he’d bungled the emotion in his speech.

When he’d brought it up to Yuu, he’d gotten that soft expression on his face and said, “I know these past few weeks have been hard, but I think you might be looking too deeply into this. He was probably just tired.”

“I know that look,” he’d insisted. “Trust me.”

And Yuu’s look had edged dangerously toward pity. He’d stroked a hand through Lavi’s hair and said, “I think you’re seeing shadows where there are none.”

Even if Yuu didn’t believe him, Lavi was certain. The more he’d thought about it, the more he remembered other signs, other moments when it should have been painfully obvious to him. It wasn’t paranoia, no matter how much Yuu had wanted him to brush it off, and with Bookman showing up dead, there was no doubt in his mind. And Jason was not just some apprentice, sent away to learn about the world of academia like he had. Oh no, Jason was a full on Bookman. With the way he had run from Lizzie, it was all but confirmed now. Hadn’t he panicked in exactly the same way when he’d realized he had feelings for Yuu?

After all, during all his observations of Jason, the only time his face ever took on a genuine emotion was when Lizzie walked in the room. His eyes shone just a little too brightly, he smiled just a little too much. How could Lavi not recognize the same signs he’d felt in himself?

So despite her heartbreak, he was glad for her increased safety.

Lizzie was the daughter of a Senator. He’d done a bit research--truly, the internet was an astounding resource for Bookmen, even former ones--and a surprising number of curious facts had come up, all piled on top of the rumored bid for the presidency. She was the perfect target for a Bookman who wanted to get a closer look at the potential Commander in Chief and in turn learn more than a few classified pieces of intelligence by digging around their home.

The Bookman that was Jason had slipped when he had not recognized his own burgeoning feelings for Lizzie, and now the man was going to have to pick up the pieces if his mission was to succeed.

Lavi was happy for another reason as well. Now that he knew who the enemy was, he would be able to keep a very, very close eye on him. He wasn’t naive enough to believe that with Bookman dead, he was safe from the gaze of the organization. He was a threat to their secrecy and would have to die. They would have sent the closest Bookman the killing order. He would just have to wait and wonder when the attempt would come.

If he had been anyone else, the thought of an impending assassination would have probably set him on edge, making him tear his hair out with worry. But instead, Lavi took this knowledge as a stroke of luck and was relaxed. It was always better to know the monster that was stalking you.

Yuu returned from walking Lizzie back to her room. Lavi hadn’t even noticed that they had departed, but the fact that Lizzie was gone and Yuu was entering the room again made it an obvious conclusion.

Yuu walked over to him. He was still sitting on the edge of his bed, not having moved at all since bringing the tea. His own mug was stone cold. They stared at each other for a moment and then Yuu stepped closer again, moving between his legs and pulling Lavi to his chest.

It was odd how the other boy always knew when he was thinking darker thoughts. Maybe it was instinct, or he had just gotten used to his sudden bouts of sullenness. But it felt good, listening to Yuu’s heartbeat and breathing him in slowly. He would have stayed there forever if he could, just the two of them.

The moment lasted, both of them too content to move.

Yuu rested his face against Lavi’s hair; he could feel the rhythmic in and out of Yuu’s breath through the strands. Yuu planted a kiss right on top, then let his lips rest against his head. He felt so at ease for the first time in what felt like years. This was so safe, so right. It startled him a little to realize it. It wasn’t that he hadn’t felt safe with Yuu in the past, but it really hit home right then.

He’d unconsciously wrapped his arms around the other boy’s back when he had stepped closer, and Lavi squeezed a little tighter.

“Mmmm,” Lavi said, bringing his head against Yuu’s shoulder. He had to reach a little. Normally he was taller than Yuu, so it felt a little strange--off-kilter--but then Lavi pressed a kiss to the gap between Yuu’s clavicle. And Yuu took in a tiny breath. Lavi kissed him there again, and then he strained upward a little more and kissed up Yuu’s neck. The other boy moaned, leaning down to bring their lips together.

It was a little awkward with them both straining to reach and Lavi felt himself sliding backward down onto the mattress, pulling Yuu down with him. Their noses almost collided, but Yuu managed to put his arms out in time.

They smiled against each other’s lips, sharing another gentle kiss, and Lavi let out a little chuckle.

“Near miss,” he whispered into Yuu’s mouth.

“Yeah,” Yuu mumbled, and his hands began to roam up Lavi’s shirt. They were really warm, and he shivered a little as he felt all of the goosebumps rise. He closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the soft sensation, before realizing that he should probably be doing something as well, instead of just lying there.

They were still sideways on the bed too, which was awkward. His head was dangerously close to the cinderblock wall, so he grabbed Yuu’s arms and pulled him to the side, reorienting them so that Lavi’s head was comfortably on the pillow. It wasn’t a super smooth transition, as Yuu’s feet had still been planted on the ground and Lavi’s pulling had caused him to almost fall on top.

 _Actually, that wouldn’t have been too bad_ , Lavi thought ruefully, blushing. He pulled Yuu even closer.

Their lips met again with a little more intensity, and their hands roamed with a little more purpose. The delicate trace of lips down the side of his neck and of fingers across his stomach and chest felt like fire. A spark that caused his muscles to tense. He gasped. Yuu paused and looked at him.

“Tickled.”

He laughed lightly and removed his shirt. Partly to show Yuu that he hadn’t tensed because he was scared, and partly due to how warm it had suddenly gotten.

“Sorry,” Yuu said with a chuckle, leaning in again. “Maybe you’re just too sensitive.” 

He proceeded to nibble lightly at the junction between Lavi’s neck and shoulder, and the redhead gasped again. He ran his hands through Yuu’s hair, annoyed suddenly with how constrained it was and pulled lightly at the tie until it came tumbling out and down the Japanese boy’s shoulders.

Much better.

He moved his hands up underneath the black t-shirt Yuu was wearing, enjoying the smooth warmth.

“You should take this off. It’s in the way,” he said, tugging at the offending article. A few weeks ago, he would not have been this brave, nor would Yuu have been so comfortable with the idea. But the request got a small smirk and almost immediate compliance.

Even though he had been so distracted by Bookman’s death, their relationship hadn’t exactly been idle. He’d even paid Yuu back for that time at the beginning of the semester. It had been awkward and he hadn’t been very good at it, but they’d both enjoyed themselves. And the time after that one--Lavi nearly shivered with the ghosts of remembered hands on his stomach, his thighs, his erection.

He took a moment to enjoy the view as Yuu did as he asked. Muscle rippled under golden skin as he threw the cotton menace across the room. But something was different.

“Did you add something to your tattoo without telling me?” He was positive that the ohm had not been quite so embellished the last time he had seen it. Come to think of it, it was a lot different from when he had first seen it all those months ago.

“No?” Yuu looked down at his chest, confusion obvious on his features. The confusion soon turned to concern. “I wonder if it has something to do with me losing petals.”

“What do you mean? How could your tattoo have anything to do with that thing?” What had Yuu been keeping from him? This was vital. He hadn’t told Yuu, but he had been taking some of his free time investigating the possible origins of the lotus. This was a vital clue if the two were connected. How had he never asked this before?

“Well, for a while I had thought it had just been something those people had done. Sort of like a brand or something. But what if it isn’t?”

They both sat in silence for a few moments. Yuu looking at Lavi, and Lavi thinking intensely about this revelation. Maybe this was the breakthrough he had been waiting for in his research. He wasn’t even upset about being kept in the dark about it, he was just so relieved to have something else to go on.

Yuu shifted almost uncomfortably, sitting down at Lavi’s feet, and for a brief moment a flicker of something crossed his face. It was one of the few times Lavi had seen it. He’d seen it all those months ago on that awful night filled with the stories about the faces that he knew still haunted the other boy. A moment of vulnerability, of helplessness. The desperate desire to be saved when all hope of salvation was locked so far into his heart that the only recognition of it was in these minute glimpses of which he was completely unaware.

So Lavi did the only thing he could think of. He reached forward and pulled Yuu toward him, into his chest, running his hand through his hair, letting him hear Lavi’s heart. It was something so simple and obvious now. Yuu always seemed to do it for him when things became too much to handle. Lavi practically lived for the strength of that embrace. He wondered at Yuu’s resolve. To have survived so much and never hoped to have any comfort as a reward--to have, even after all these years, never expected any tenderness returned, despite the kindness that was so evident in so many of his actions. Once you got past the prickly exterior.

Yuu often claimed to hate his “weakness.” He cursed it, tried to deny it, but it was always there, the deep pervading essence of himself that made him who he was. Something that couldn’t have been stripped away, even if he had never left that place. It was, in truth, his greatest strength. Lavi had seen it laid bare so many times. With Lizzie only ten minutes ago, with Lenalee more times than he could count, with Daisya, Marie, Tiedoll. With Lavi himself.

How was it that this person who had been so irreparably broken give so much? Given and given and given despite seeing the worst in humanity. He should have turned his back on others. Instead, he’d opened his heart to someone who had not been capable of anything so human and expected nothing, had saved him and loved him.

He’d asked for nothing and now, Lavi was determined, he would never have to.

Lavi pulled his arms a little tighter around Yuu, urged him closer. Yuu sighed into Lavi’s left ear, rustling the hair that covered it.

 _I love you,_ Lavi thought, and he was so dumbstruck at it that his face went slack and he had to affirm it out loud.

“I love you,” he said. The words trickled softly from his mouth at the tail end of a long exhalation, filled with wonder and shock and the dawning realization that he never wanted to let Yuu go. He wanted to stay in this moment, Yuu’s bare chest pressed against his, and never let go. He wanted to give Yuu everything, every tiny part of him, down to the last atom, because Yuu deserved so much more than just the world. He deserved life and happiness and love and everything that had been denied to him as a child.

“I love you,” he said again, but this time he spoke with authority, no longer basking in the wonderment of saying those words for the first time in his life since Bookman had taken him in.

Yuu began to pull away. Lavi desperately wanted to clamp down and hold him in place, but that was likely to get the other boy to shut down completely, so he relaxed his grip. Yuu looked at him, frowning.

Frowning?

He had been expecting a reaction, yes, but why was he frowning?

And then the biggest grin Lavi had ever seen lit up Yuu’s face. It widened further, to the largest, truest smile Lavi could have hoped for. He put both his hands on the pillow at either side of Lavi’s face, leaned down, and kissed him with such intensity that Lavi forgot the need for air.

He soon remembered it, wrenching his mouth away from Yuu’s to take a deep breath. The dark-haired boy chuckled so softly Lavi wasn’t sure he’d actually heard it, and he kissed Lavi’s neck as his breathing steadied. Then he kissed Lavi again, laying himself flush against Lavi’s body. He felt their nipples graze against one another, but Yuu was already kissing at his neck again. Lavi gasped as Yuu sucked somewhere just below his ear.

Lavi felt something at his hips and noticed that Yuu was fiddling one-handed with the waistband of his jeans. He immediately brought his own hands from the other boy’s back to help him out. Pants came down with a little difficulty. Lavi attempted to remove his underwear as well, but Yuu put a hand to his chest.

“Let me,” he said, his voice a silky murmur. Without the pressure of his chest against Lavi’s, the redhead could breathe a lot easier, but Yuu’s hands changed that almost immediately. They caressed his hips, slowly moving down to the waistband. And then they bypassed it completely, moving to his upper thighs and then inward. Lavi felt himself stir. One of Yuu’s hands ran slowly, lightly up his clothed erection, and Lavi moaned loudly.

Laughing, Yuu put his other hand to Lavi’s mouth.

“Don’t be so loud--we’ll get noise complaints,” he said, but it was obvious from his smile and chuckling as he continued with the underwear situation that he didn’t truly mean it.

“I didn’t mean to be,” Lavi said--and then moaned again, this time at an even louder volume as Yuu’s mouth replaced his hand.

“Oh Jesus, Yuu,” he said, bringing his hands to the other boy’s hair.

“Jesus has nothing to do with this,” Yuu said against Lavi’s (still sadly clothed) erection.

“He does when you’re a dirty tease,” Lavi said.

“I am no such thing,” Yuu said, languidly pressing kisses along Lavi’s (very regrettably clothed) erection.

“Besides,” Yuu added, reaching the tip and kissing Lavi there as well, “I thought you loved me.”

“I--” Lavi turned red. “I do--I just… oh God, Yuu, that’s not fair. Please…” He’d wanted to say “I just want you to touch me already,” but a nice, soft squeeze of his (damnably clothed) balls cut him off.

“Since you asked nicely…” Yuu said, and Lavi could feel him smiling down there, damn him.

Yuu pulled his underwear off with a few easy motions and had himself divested of the rest of his own clothing within a few seconds. . Yuu leaned over Lavi and then pressed them together so they could kiss again. But Lavi could only feel the burning of skin against skin, and the absolute fire of Yuu’s hard erection against his own.

For a moment, he was so turned on his brain shut off. A second later, his thoughts went off in a million different directions at the speed of sound. He’d never been so close to someone else, and the price of having trained himself to pay attention to everything was the inability to turn it off and focus on the one thing that was most important.

As the various stimuli of Yuu’s hands and body and kisses overwhelmed him, he stiffened.

“Are you okay?” Yuu asked, pulling back.

Lavi was silent for nearly twenty seconds, and he could not for the life of him remove the glazed look he knew was on his face. Yuu began to shake him, the beginnings of panic furrowing his brows and crinkling the edges around his eyes.

“Yes,” he finally said, his voice airy and yet strained. “I just blanked a moment. Give me a sec to--to get used to this.” He tried a smile. It was a tentative thing, mostly lip quirked upward with barely a hint of teeth. He doubted it hid the terror in his eyes.

Terror that Yuu would pull away. Horror that these sensations might fade away.

“Are you sure?” Yuu asked. “We can stop.” He made to get up.

“Yes,” Lavi said, and his hands finally began responding. He curled his fingers around Yuu’s biceps and pulled him down. The movement was jerky, causing Yuu to lose his tenuous balance and crash into his chest.

Their simultaneous grunts as their ribs smacked together made an odd duet. But Lavi held Yuu tight against him. He angled his hips upward and thrust just an inch or two.

Yuu moaned, his hair falling to trail ticklish patterns along Lavi’s chest and neck (and face, annoyingly--but Lavi blew it out of the way). They whispered each other’s names, and Yuu ground his hips down into Lavi’s. Now Lavi groaned, and he felt himself twitch against Yuu’s penis and all he wanted was for the touching never to stop and he didn’t suppress the urge to run his fingers down Yuu’s back, over his arms and chest, face and neck. He wanted to kiss him all over and most of all he wanted to be touched back. Anywhere and everywhere. He didn’t think he’d ever wanted something more than he wanted this heat, this fire.

He saw Yuu reaching up onto one of the shelves above them. They always seemed to end up doing things of this nature on Lavi’s bed so they’d thought ahead and put all the necessary supplies up there to avoid frustration and annoyance and spending five minutes digging around in a drawer halfway across the room for lube or condoms.

His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest in anticipation. He reached forward, sitting up and started playing with the other boy’s hair--anything to distract him from his nervousness and excitement. He ran his hands through the strands, massaging Yuu’s scalp as he waited. Lavi knew what the other boy liked and it was unfair for Yuu to be taking his time when this was most definitely the time to be hurrying and getting on with it. And definitely not the time to be smirking like he knew exactly how impatient Lavi was.

Well, two could play at that game. Smiling mischievously, Lavi applied a little more pressure and curled his fingers so that they tangled tightly in the blackness. Yuu let out something between a gasp and a moan, face flushing, and Lavi almost felt bad for pulling this trick, but desperate times called for desperate measures. And it had the desired effect.

His head hit the pillow with a light thud and he laughed lightly, reaching up to run his thumb over Yuu’s cheek. A final gesture of reassurance.

As much as he had been waiting for the feeling, he still twitched at the sensation of Yuu’s hand moving down between his legs. His face felt like it was on fire and his pulse pounded in his throat. He might have moaned a little louder than was necessary as a finger probed experimentally inside. This was by no means the first time Yuu had touched him here, but before now, one of them had always backed out before it had gone any farther. Nerves or a neighborly interruption had always been in the way. Neither seemed likely tonight.

The redhead let himself fall into the familiar haze, unable to focus on anything except the other boy, the sensation of his fingers moving--it wasn’t fair how good Yuu was with his hands--the pounding of his heart, and the feel of Yuu’s hair in his hands.

His hand flew to his mouth as he made another really embarrassing sound, face aflame. Yuu chuckled and moved his fingers again, and Lavi had to untangle his other hand to keep himself quiet. At this rate, the neighbors were bound to hear.

“You are so mean,” he gasped, muffled.

But Yuu only smirked and continued on.

Yuu’s fingers always felt warm inside him, but that could also be attributed to the enormous amounts of blood in that region. Regardless, they curled with a merciless intensity that brought another moan tearing from Lavi’s lips and filled him with a savage heat radiating out from those two tantalizing little digits. His hips pushed down into the too-firm mattress. He thought he said Yuu’s name. Maybe he’d said “please.”

The other boy, for his part, was not idle beyond his ministrations. With his other hand, he stroked himself slowly and gasped alongside Lavi’s moans. When Lavi, hands now abandoning his mouth, tugged at Yuu’s hair or pressed his fingertips harder into his scalp, he let out strangled little sounds. It was enough to drive someone completely feral with need. When Yuu leaned down and flitted his tongue against the tip of Lavi’s penis, though, Lavi clamped everything down to avoid yelling his lover’s name. The response was nearly instantaneous. Yuu’s erection twitched avidly against Lavi’s leg, and his face scrunched up like he was concentrating with his whole mind.

“Fuck, Lavi,” he said after a moment, his face relaxing a little. But he didn’t look in Lavi’s eyes. In fact, he was looking completely away from the bed. “The things you do… those… damn noises…”

“Make you want to ravish me?” Lavi asked. He’d meant to sound coy, but it fell a little flat with how breathless he was.

Yuu nodded. Lavi felt his eyebrows raise, quite without his permission.

“So ravish me,” Lavi said, but it came out in a whisper.

He wasn’t sure if the heat that filled him in the next moment was from the immense blush ( _Idiot, you complete idiot, what the fuck even was that,_ Lavi’s rational mind thought. _Ravish me, indeed. Jesus Christ._ ) or from the sudden lack of Yuu’s fingers stretching his ass.

Yuu snorted as he removed his hand from between Lavi’s legs. “You sound like an idiot,” he said, shaking his head while smiling softly.

“Shut up,” Lavi snapped.

“No need to get all defensive,” Yuu said with a damnable smirk quirking his lips up.

“No need to be an asshole.”

“Why would I need to be an asshole when there’s one perfectly available right here?” Yuu asked lightly. He pressed the pad of his index finger to the spot it had just vacated.

“Ha ha, Yuu, very funny. You’re a real genius.”

“You like my humor.”

“That’s not the point.”

During their conversation, he hadn’t been paying attention to what Yuu was doing. He’d been too focused on his own feelings and body. But Yuu had pulled on a condom and lubed himself up. Lavi heard the bottle snap shut before it thudded lightly on the mattress by his left foot.

Yuu pressed himself up against Lavi, using one hand to guide himself at a good angle.

And here it was. The moment. The one they’d been slowly building up to for months now. It felt surreal, right here at the brink. And time was supposed to slow down. But it didn’t. There was just Yuu pressing against Lavi’s ass, and then there was a stiff pressure and the dim pain so far off that Lavi wasn’t entirely sure he felt it at all. The pain that meant he needed to relax. So he breathed out, tried to go limp as cooked noodles, and all the while, Yuu thrust lightly in and out, making his way deeper each time.

The pain vanished, and with it went Lavi’s perception of time. He was not sure how long it took him to begin shivering into each of Yuu’s gentle caresses. Each touch was precisely placed--not timid, but calculated with Lavi’s comfort in mind. They were the careful brushes of a person who had spent his life avoiding touch. And they felt like the soft tickle of grass against feet that had only ever touched concrete.

Yuu’s teeth tugged at his neck, and Lavi’s head sank deeper into the pillow. His hands traced up and down Yuu’s back, their struggle for purchase warring with Lavi’s deliberate attempts to keep Yuu from shutting down. Because if he did, Lavi was not sure he could get himself under control fast enough to calm Yuu down. But those thoughts flew out of Lavi’s mind as Yuu began moving faster in him.

Lavi’s hands moved without thought to Yuu’s ass and squeezed, pulled him deeper. The other boy hissed. Alarmed, Lavi looked into Yuu’s face, but his eyes were closed and his mouth was open and his head was thrown back with wild abandonment.

“Don’t,” he said to Lavi in that same hissing tone, “you dare let go.” For Lavi’s hands had loosened immediately upon Yuu’s reaction.

Lavi squeezed again, and this time, Yuu moaned. Loud and crisp and clear, more like a bell than a voice raised in passion.

“Shh!” Lavi whispered, laughing. “The neighbors!”

Yuu leaned over a bit more, changing the angle, and Lavi could no longer form words. The other boy’s mouth covered his. Later, Lavi wished he could say it had been a good kiss, but in fact, it had been full of saliva and bumping lips and just a moment of tongue against teeth. It didn’t matter. Lavi made a sound in a range a castrato would be jealous of and tightened his hold further on Yuu’s ass. It made it difficult to move, but Yuu managed, grunting a little--almost under his breath. And still Yuu’s erection pressed deep inside him in a place that needed, required the harsh, rhythmic rubbing, harder and harder and harder and harder and--

Yuu’s hand encircled Lavi’s erection and began to stroke in fast, frenzied jolts that did not quite line up with their own falling-apart tempo. Lavi leaned up and bit at Yuu’s right nipple (his left? He wasn’t sure). They seized up, one maybe three or four thrusts before the other, and fell against each other in a puddle of rubber limbs. Vaguely, Lavi felt Yuu slip from him.

His eye closed.

Apparently, he’d lost track of time again, because when he opened them, Yuu had his boxers on and was running a washcloth in slow, soft circles on Lavi’s inner thigh. When he saw Lavi’s gaze, his face lit up with a placid yet enthusiastic grin.

“Thought I’d lost you there,” Yuu said quietly. Lavi heard the smile in his voice, and it made the expression on Yuu’s face fade in comparison.

“Nope. Just sleepy, I think,” Lavi said with equal volume.

“No, I think you passed out.” Yuu’s grin grew amused. The washcloth circulated to a more intimate region.

“Definitely not.” He stuck his tongue out.

Goosebumps rose up on Lavi’s skin as the fluffy terry cloth wiped away the disgusting mix of unsavory fluids and latex dust from their earlier activity. The flesh it left behind carried no marks or blemishes. Lavi felt clean in a way soap could not make him. (Though a good wash did sound like a fine idea. He’d bring that up to Yuu once the other boy stopped looking at him with such a soft expression.)

“Uh-huh,” Yuu said. His own tongue did not exactly stick out, but Lavi caught the blur of it darting quickly in and out.

“When you’re done, you should come and hold me,” Lavi said. He held his arms outstretched as the washcloth wiped up and down his flaccid length a few times. Had he not felt so satisfied, the slow, methodical strokes might have brought him back to attention.

“Just a moment,” Yuu said, now running the washcloth over Lavi’s belly to clean the last of the bodily fluids away.

When he was finally done, he threw the washcloth into the hamper a few feet away. Then Yuu was in his arms, kissing him lightly on the lips before adjusting himself into a controlled fall that put him right at Lavi’s side. His head rested on Lavi’s chest, hair fanned out every which way. Some of it tickled Lavi’s nose, and he sneezed. Yuu snorted.

“I love you,” Lavi said one more time. The words still felt like a novelty on his tongue.

“I love you too,” Yuu said, so quietly it took Lavi a few moments to realize the other boy had spoken at all. Then Yuu’s breathing evened out. Lavi used his leg to pull the very rumpled blankets to his free hand. From there, he adjusted the blankets around both of them.

It took him a long time to fall asleep, but eventually, the soothing, metronomic sound of Yuu’s breathing took him from a trance-like state full of thoughts to a true, deep sleep. For once over the past few weeks, his dreams were pleasant.

-—

A/N: So, yeah, we finally decided it was a bad idea to keep drawing this fic out. Imagine, us finally finishing it :/ Anyway, porn for you. :) We had originally had a more crack-tastic first time (“is it in yet?” “no, just the tip?”) but I (Em 2) think the scene it turned into was much more touching and authentic to where they are in terms of character development. They both got some much needed intimacy.

We plan to put these all out relatively close together, so keep checking over the next few days. Happy holidays!


	23. Reunion and Departure

Chapter 23 — Reunion and Departure

“A flower knows, when its butterfly will return, and if the moon walks out, the sky will understand;

but now it hurts, to watch you leave so soon, when I don't know, if you will ever come back.” 

― Sanober Khan

_February 26_

Lavi looked at his computer and frowned. Sixteen new notifications, all overnight. _Ace Ventura has accepted your friend request._ He clicked the little message icon at the top next to the little globe icon where he’d seen buzz cut girl’s picture. They’d chatted quite a lot before and after physics class (and sometimes during, though Professor Ingleman had started giving them some pretty rude looks). She’d been spending the last few days convincing him to come out with her and do a double date. 

The messages were all from her:

**11:42 pm**

Hey.

**11:45 pm**

Loser, I know you’re up. 

**11: 52 pm**

You never go to bed before midnight. 

**12:30 am**

So, my girlfriend got her tickets all worked out and will be in town tomorrow.

You still up for the double? 

**12:33 am**

I’ve told her bunches about you and she wants to meet both of you.

**12:35 am**

I know I haven’t told you a lot about her but dude

**12:36 am**

Her name is Mae.

I told you she studies in Edinburgh

and we went there when I did my abroad stuff. 

Redhead and gorgeous :)

**2:39 am**

Dude, Lavi, you better call me when you get these

Totally not cool just sleeping. 

This is important. 

**11:30 am**

Dude. CALL ME.

Lavi rolled his eyes. She knew his cell number. She could have just called him. But no. He hadn’t brought up the idea to Yuu. He wasn’t sure how he’d react to the idea of someone sharing their date. But Ace was pretty insistent. He picked up his phone and dialed his friend. 

She picked up after the first ring. “Hey, Lavi, you coming or not?” 

“Uhh, I’m not sure yet. I, uh, forgot to ask Yuu.”

There was an exasperated sigh from the other side of the phone and from across the room, Yuu perked up from whatever it was he had been doing.

“You are hopeless, Lavi. Two o’clock, the Starbucks on Broadway. Be there or be square.” She hung up directly afterword, and Lavi sighed. He didn’t know why he was so reluctant. 

“What’s up with that face, Rabbit?” Yuu asked, getting up from his bed and plopping himself down next to Lavi.

“Ace wants us to go meet her and her girlfriend at Starbucks in…” he looked at his computer and frowned deeper, “fifteen minutes.” 

“Ace?” Yuu looked confused. Had he really never talked about buzz cut girl to him? No, he must have. Maybe.

“Yeah, buzz cut girl from physics. I know I told you about her.” Yuu’s face brightened a little in recognition. 

“Yeah, okay. Don’t you want to go?” 

“It’s not that I don’t want to go, it’s just, well... I didn’t know if you wanted to go with me.” He looked down at the bedspread, because his face felt like it might melt off. It was supposed to be a date, and well, they had not gone on any of those. Not really. Except that one time at the fancy dining hall. But that hardly counted. Anyway, they’d been too busy... and their relationship hadn’t started out like most did. He thought back to Christmas and felt the heat tick up a few more degrees. 

“Well, why don’t you ask if I want to?” 

Lavi looked up hopefully. “Do you want to?” 

Yuu chuckled, “Why not? I mean, besides,” he looked down at Lavi’s computer and squinted at the messages, “I don’t think she’ll forgive you if we don’t.”

Lavi shot up from the bed and began rummaging for something “date worthy” in his closet. He heard a scoff from behind him and he turned to see Yuu shaking his head.

“You look fine,” he said. “But if we don’t hurry, we won’t make it.”

Yuu took his hand as they left the dorm and didn’t let it go until they arrived at the coffee shop. Ace sat at a booth looking out at the street, and when she saw them, she waved frantically at them until they walked over. She beamed, an expression a lot different from the placid scowl that was commonplace during physics. Lavi thought that maybe that was why he liked her so much. It reminded him a lot of Yuu. 

“Glad you finally decided to join me. You must be Yuu.” She extended her well-manicured nails to shake his hand. “Lavi’s told me lots about you.” 

“I thought your girlfriend was going to be here with you,” Lavi said before Yuu could reveal that Lavi hadn’t been as forthcoming with him as he had been with her. 

Ace gave him a look but sighed and propped her chin on her hands and stared out the window. “Flight was delayed. She called about fifteen minutes ago to tell me she was going to meet me here. Said she was in the taxi already. So, yeah, get some coffee and we’ll chat before she gets here.” 

Yuu went off to get coffee, and Ace leaned forward eagerly. “Lavi, do you have any siblings?” 

He thought that the question was coming a bit from left field. He hadn’t thought about the time before Bookman in months and he didn’t much like talking about it, but Ace was his friend, and it wasn’t like the information was vitally secret. So he told her about how he’d had a sister, his twin, about how their parents had died and left them alone. He didn’t think she was still alive--how could she be when they had both been so young and it had been winter. He’d been lucky, he told her, but the world was not safe for children on their own.

“I think my biggest regret,” he said, looking down at his hands, “was leaving her behind.”

“You left her?” Ace asked.

“Not intentionally, but we got separated and I didn’t--couldn’t--go back to find her.”

It was depressing to think about. Guilt was tangible in those memories, even in their faded and patchy pre-Bookman state. 

Ace nodded, frowning, and patted his shoulder. Yuu came back with tea for himself and coffee for Lavi. He took it eagerly, glad to had something to hold, but he sipped a bit too early, burning his tongue. Ace spat her hot chocolate over the table at the face he made. 

“Ew, what are ‘ye, a beast?” The person that spoke had a thick Irish accent. And Lavi looked over at the edge of their table, tongue still hanging out so he could blow on it and cool it off--and nearly choked. The young woman that stood at the edge of the table, still glaring at Ace, was incredibly familiar. 

“You know it! Guys, this is Mae.” Ace gestured at the woman, who had finally turned to look at them. Her green eyes met his, and she dropped what she had been holding, face going slack. Lavi felt it was probably a good time to pull his tongue back into his mouth. It made it easier to speak. But the words didn’t really seem to be a thing he was capable of forming; they came out more like inarticulate squeaks. 

“Liam? Is that you?” Mae sat down heavily on the bench seat, Ace having vacated it to pick up what she had dropped. She scooted her way across so that she was directly across from him and she put her arms out across the table, her hands coming to rest just a few centimeters from his. 

What was he supposed to say? He didn’t remember what his name had been. But those eyes looked so much like his and her hair had the same unkempt quality his did and she even kept it tied under a bandana just like he did. What if this Mae was his? Could he possibly allow himself to hope that the one connection he had to his world before Bookman was still there? But there was that word again. Hope. Could he allow himself just a little more?

“I don’t remember much after the fire,” he said, hoping to see recognition of what he referred to in those eyes that looked so much like his.

The woman smiled. It was a sad smile. “Well, you were sick for a long time before the old man came and took you away from me.” Her heavy accent from before all but faded to a subtle lilt.

His heart skipped. It was hard to breathe. He looked across her and didn’t know what to do. She continued to talk after a moment when she realized the effect it was having on him.

“Michael and Gavin and I couldn’t carry you, so we had to leave you in an alley to go dig through the dumpster across the street. When we got back, there was this old man with weird hair leaning over you. We tried to get him away from you, but he told us you were dying.” Mae looked down at the table, and it was almost like he could see the memory replaying there in her eyes.

“I didn’t want to lose you, but we didn’t have a place to stay and we didn’t have any food--and Michael knew. He was the oldest, remember? He told me to let you go because either way you were gone.” A tear hit the gray tabletop. “The old man took you away and promised he’d take care of you.” A pause. She sniffled. “Did he?”

Bookman had let him live. He had nursed him back to health, first taking him to a hospital. He still remembered the terror of the commercial lights and the roar of antibiotics running from a needle into his bloodstream. The constant beeping, the endless coughing. How he’d shivered under the thin blankets and then thrown them to the floor as the heat of his fever retook him. How Bookman had stayed with him and replaced the blankets every time. That liver-spotted hand on his clammy forehead.

He remembered that much if not a lot else of the early months and years. But he had also taken a lot from him. His name, his memories, his free will. His identity. But in the end, he had cared. In the end, the old man had failed just as his apprentice had. He had just been better at pretending. 

“Yes and no, but I wouldn’t be where I am now without him, so I guess he did.” he squeezed his hand and realized he was holding Yuu’s. The other boy’s hand tightened in response, and it was a little easier to breathe again. “I didn’t think you survived. I couldn’t look for you, and for a long time I barely remembered anything about you or our parents.”

“It wasn’t long after he took you that the police found the three of us. Someone had seen us and reported it. They put us in the system and eventually we were all adopted. I still keep in touch with them.” She leaned back against the booth and let out a big breath. “I feel really relieved now. Like I’ve been anxious over something that turned out to be alright anyway.”

Ace passed her the package she had been carrying when she had arrived. It was wrapped in a colorful cloth, which she quickly untied and frowned at the object within. 

“Well,” she said, sounding disappointed, “I brought this just in case Ace was right about you. But it broke when I dropped it.” She handed it over to him.

It was a small frame, simple and silver. The glass was fractured in several spots. The picture inside was obviously charred, most of the background discolored, but the figures at the center were still discernible. It took him a minute of staring to recognize them. Two people sitting in the grass at a park. The woman leaned against her husband, heavily pregnant, with a carefree smile. It was too far to make out the color of their eyes, but the woman’s unruly blond hair matched Lavi’s in style; the man’s hair was a deep auburn that was probably darkened due to the damage the picture had sustained. Lavi thought it might be similar in color to his own, to Mae’s. His throat tightened up again. He looked at Mae and couldn’t quite stop the tears from leaking out. 

“How’d you get this?” It was all he could manage to get out. The picture, everything that connected them to their parents should have gone up in the fire, but here it was. 

“Our grandmother. She was almost 100 when I met her a few years ago. She lived in London at the time but came to claim what she could after the fire. She found the album this picture was in. Not much else made it out. She was so relieved when she found out I was alive. Oh!” Her hands came up to her face. “I can’t wait to tell her that I found you. She’ll be so happy.” 

“Yeah.”

All he could do was stare at the picture, the familiar guilt once again present. It had been his fault, right? How could she possibly be so happy when she knew that?

Mae put her hand on his, the one holding the frame, diverting his attention back to her.

“You know it wasn’t your fault, right? I remember, when we ran from the fire, you told me it was. It’s all really fuzzy from back then, but I remember that. I remember wanting grilled cheese and Mam and Da were busy, so we were going to make it ourselves, but when we turned on the stove there was so much fire. It wasn’t your fault. There was a faulty gas line in the neighbor’s apartment. It had been leaking for days. The fire department was amazed that it hadn’t gone up sooner. It was bad luck that we used it first. Honestly, it was amazing that we made it out at all. I did as much research as I could when I was younger. Through the newspaper clippings and talked to the police about it. They even got me in touch with the fire wardens who responded to the call. They confirmed. You shouldn’t have to live with guilt that doesn’t belong on your shoulders.”

He really started to cry then, and he couldn’t keep himself from making noise. His nose ran. His face flushed hot as the fire that had ruined his life. Yuu put his arm around his shoulders and pulled him over into his chest. He put his face against his shirt. It provided a great opportunity to muffle the sounds of his sobs. No need to draw attention for this.. 

After he calmed down and the shock had worn off, they sat for a long time, drinking coffee and talking about all of the things that they had missed in each other’s lives. It was strange to feel so connected to a person he couldn’t even really remember, but the desire to know all about her was strong. They stayed for hours, mostly ignoring Ace and Yuu, who went off to play a board game after a while, until the sun had set outside and the baristas had gone from subtle throat clearing to loudly sweeping beneath their feet. They stood, shivering, just outside the cafe as one employee locked the door, sending them one dark look after another.

“I really can’t believe I found you,” said Mae, giving him her sixth parting hug. Lavi squeezed her back.

“Me too,” he said. The smile on his lips felt permanent.

Finally, Ace had had enough and pulled Mae away, trying to swipe the hat off her girlfriend’s head. (“You’ve been talking so long my head has frozen over!”) Yuu squeezed Lavi’s hand, tugged lightly. Lavi squeezed back, and they began to walk back toward their dorm. He couldn’t stop reaching into his coat pocket every few seconds, fingering the paper with Mae’s contact information, making sure it was still there. 

When they got back to the dorm, Lavi got out an adhesive wall hook and placed the frame in a place of honor above his headboard, right beside the picture of him and Yuu on the couch.

He let himself collapse onto his bed afterward. Yuu lay down next to him, his arm outstretched. Lavi curled into him, resting his head on Yuu’s shoulder. His chest felt so light, his heart a fluttering breeze of spring air, like the world was telling him it was okay to move on from the darkness that his life with Bookman had been, that it was okay to take back his name, his identity, and truly be human again.

He wasn’t Liam anymore. Liam had, in some ways, died shortly after the fire. Lavi was close enough, and he liked being Lavi. He liked the way Yuu said that name. It felt realer to him than any other name he had had in the past. He’d grown into it, in a way. Liam was a little boy, Mae’s lost twin, a spector--a memory from the past, but Lavi had been built up from nothing and still had so much more to go. That would have to do.

—

_March 1st_

Lizzie barged into their room again, her eyes overflowing with tears and mucus sliding from her nose. Yuu sighed. Lavi wasn’t here--he had class for at least another fifteen minutes--and with the exception of Lenalee, he’d always been bad with tears. He never knew what to say.

“What is it?” He asked, patting the spot next to him on his bed. She made a sound that was halfway between whimper and sob before running into the room (the door swung shut behind her). Yuu procured a box of tissues from beneath his blanket, handing it to her as she threw herself onto his bed.

It took a few minutes for her to calm herself. The bed was now a graveyard for discarded tissues. Finally, though, Lizzie held out a wet, crumpled piece of paper.

Yuu straightened it out. It was a letter, tearstained but legible, the elegant cursive more along the lines of something you’d see from Tiedoll’s generation.

 

 

 

_Elizabeth,_

_I am terribly sorry to have led you on in thinking there can be anything between us. For your sake and for mine, it cannot happen. I realize now I should have put a stop to it much earlier. A heart is a difficult thing to control, however._

_My duty now calls me elsewhere, so it is best to make a clean break. I have ensured that all traces of my presence have been erased, all record of my being here removed. I know you well enough to be sure you will search. I urge you not to do so._

_I find myself regretting not being able to tell you this in person, but I fear it would interfere with my duty, tempt me far too much to stay. Had you been anyone else, and had I not failed utterly, I would have simply vanished. You have too many resources through your father. I ask only that you obey my wishes. It will only bring pain and perhaps consequences I cannot predict upon you._

_My best wishes for your health and safety,_

_Jason_

Yuu’s stomach plummeted. He reread the letter three times. _Duty. Failed._ He was probably wrong, just overreacting. Maybe it was Lavi’s theories. Fear gripped his heart. If Lavi was actually right…

He didn’t hesitate. He snatched his phone up, ignoring Lizzie, and pulled Lavi up in his Contacts. He hit Call. It rang and rang. _Come on, Lavi…_

“Hi, you have reached Lavi Davidson’s ph--”

Yuu ended the call and redialed. After the fourth ring, the redhead answered.

“Yuu? What is it? I’m still in class, but you said to answer if you called twice in a row.” It had been a code they came up with for emergencies.

“Jason’s gone. Left a letter with Lizzie.” 

A long pause. “Yeah?”

“You don’t sound surprised.” 

“Well, I’m not and I’ll explain when I get back. I’m leaving class.” He paused. “Is Lizzie okay?” 

“Upset.” Yuu sighed into the phone. Lizzie had flopped over onto his pillow and was staring blankly at him as he talked. 

“Be there soon.” The line cut off. Yuu’s phone beeped as the call disconnected.

Of course Lavi was right. He, of all people, would recognize the signs. Yuu put his phone down numbly. It disappeared into the disarrayed folds of his blanket. He’d been such an idiot not to listen.

He felt another headache coming on, but he ignored it. They’d been more or less constant over the last month. If he ignored it, he wouldn’t have to think of potential explanations. Besides, Lavi and Lizzie took precedence for now. He rubbed at his arm--it throbbed inexplicably--as he looked back at Lizzie.

“What was that about?” She asked.

Yuu shrugged. “I thought Lavi should know.” He held out his arms to her, raising his eyebrows. She gave him a watery smile and ducked into his embrace. He patted her back.

“He’s on his way back, you know,” he added after a minute of silence.

He felt hollow inside. Numb. He wished for the millionth time he hadn’t thrown out all his razors. Not that Lizzie would appreciate him doing that in front of her. And he didn’t need them anymore. That didn’t stop him from pinching the skin at his wrist, though.

He hadn’t believed Lavi because he hadn’t wanted him to be right. He knew that now. As he ran his palm up and down Lizzie’s back, he frowned. Jason had been on the team with him. He thought he’d gotten to know him. He’d _liked_ him. And for him, that was a feat. He didn’t like new people that often. They irritated him, wanting to know everything about him at once and questioning him like they deserved to know.

Jason hadn’t done that. Most of the team hadn’t. He’d liked that. The friendship could form naturally from a common interest, slowly and on a level where he could back out if it turned out he didn’t like them.

_Utterly failed._

The words felt like stones in the back of his throat. Lavi had utterly failed. Bookman had utterly failed. With a pang, he felt the tears begin to roll down his face. If Jason had utterly failed… even if he had betrayed them, in a fashion, Yuu didn’t want him to die. He was so tired of death. He was so tired of pain.

 

Why hadn’t he come to them? He had to know Lavi had been a Bookman, fighting the same fight. Only Jason didn’t have anyone to watch out for him and probably, if the letter was anything to go by, didn’t want that. And maybe that was the difference. He held Lizzie closer.

“Are you crying too?” She asked. He felt her small fingertips wipe away a tear. To his surprise, he didn’t flinch, though the touch had surprised him.

“Yes,” he said. There was no purpose in hiding it.

“Why?”

“He was my friend too.”

“Yeah,” she said, sighing. She tucked her head back under his, and he resumed his back rubbing.

They were still like that when Lavi returned from class. The redhead threw his bookbag down and sat down next to Lizzie, giving her shoulders a squeeze. Then he took the note from Yuu and read it. Their eyes met when he looked up, a brief moment of perfect understanding. Lavi shrugged in resignation.

“Did you check his room?” He asked quietly.

“It’s empty,” Lizzie said, sniffing.

Lavi nodded. He’d expected that. “He’s gone, Lizzie. Everything he put down here will be true. I’d had my suspicions for a long time, but sometimes missions change and you’re needed elsewhere. Or maybe he just got too close. Who’s to say?”

“You talk like he’s CIA or some type of spy,” said Lizzie.

To Yuu’s surprise, Lavi nodded, a grim smile on his face. “Something like that,” he said. “We both belonged to the same organization. I left.”

“Seriously?”

“You don’t have to believe me, Lizzie, but I’ve suspected this about him for a while.”

Lizzie thought for a while, silent save for the sniffs.

“Is he in trouble?” She asked, leaving Yuu’s arms and grabbing at Lavi’s shirt. Her eyes began to tear up again.

Lavi grimaced. “I’m not sure.”

“What does that mean?” Lizzie’s voice was too high.

“His letter hints that he might be, but I might be wrong. If he is, he’s meeting it of his own volition. I don’t think there’s anything we can do. Going by his letter, I’d say he doesn’t want help.”

“What’s the organization called?” She asked. She was scowling now and clutched her phone at her chest with joints whitened from the strain.

Lavi just shook his head. “I can’t tell you, Lizzie. It’s not like we’re--they’re--a big secret, but... “ He shook his head again. “...I just can’t tell you. Don’t push this. Please.”

She slumped down, another wave of tears following the familiar path down her cheeks.

Yuu pulled her back into his arms. Lavi went out to grab them all some tea. When he returned, they all drank them together, not speaking. Eventually, Lizzie got a text from a friend and decided what she needed was a good night of drinking and dancing.

“You think he’ll be okay?” She asked before leaving the doorway.

Lavi nodded. “I think so. He’s smart.”

“Yeah, he is, isn’t he?”

She rolled her shoulders back, raised her chin, and walked away with a determined look on her face.

Yuu looked at Lavi once she had gone and the lock had clicked into place. The redhead shrugged and placed the letter that he had still been holding onto his desk across the room. He leaned somewhat casually on it as they stared at each other. Yuu waited and saw the tension slowly begin to creep into his shoulders. 

They both knew that it was no coincidence that Jason had chosen now to leave, what with Bookman turning up dead only a few weeks ago. He sighed. There was no point worrying now. Spring break would be upon them in two weeks. Until then, he’d be on his guard even more than usual.

He extended his arms out in invitation, and he saw Lavi’s shoulders relax. He, too, relaxed when Lavi came over and rested his head against Yuu’s shoulder, breathing out a heavy sigh, wrapping his arms around Yuu’s back.

They stayed that way for a while until Lavi stood up straight. Yuu looked up at him, questioning.

“I’m starving. Are you hungry, Yuu?”

Yuu threw his head back and laughed.

—

_March 7th_

Research was supposed to be his thing. In fact, he’d spent years of his life reading books and researching phenomena and recording his observations. With the advent of the internet, he’d thrown himself into search engines and databases. At age ten, he’d taught himself Boolean Search Logic while Bookman tutted in the corner about how the internet was “just a phase” and would be “gone before you know it.” Well, he’d had the last word in that argument, as it turned out.

But now he was at a complete loss. Bookman had not know what it was, that was to be sure. If he had discovered anything about it, he would have kept the strange flower for the records. But no, it had been returned, which meant Bookman had simply discovered nothing about it and had assumed it was exactly as it appeared. Just a lotus. But the petals continued to wither and fall, each one prompting a change to the strange tattoo on Yuu’s chest.

It was not the first time he’d recorded or researched unexplainable, maybe supernatural phenomena. The Bookmen had whole warehouses of records that would have made the producers of the X-Files drool. This was just the first time he couldn’t find any sort of corroborating account.

Whenever he had had a spare hour--which happened a lot, as his course load this semester was much more manageable--he would spend time scouring the internet for even the slightest hint as to the origin of the flower. He utterly abused the university’s databases. Sure, there were plenty of stories about the meaning behind the lotus. Mythology. Symbology. Plenty of pseudo-medicinal uses for the plant. Cookbooks containing the finest recipes for the root. A ridiculous amount of those, actually. But this was more than just using the petals in tea. He’d spent months now traipsing through the shadiest regions of the web all to come up empty handed. He was just about at the end of his rope. 

In the last week, he’d taken to looking up doctors in Japan. It was a vain attempt and he knew it, but Yuu had mentioned a doctor had come to see him and had given him the lotus. He’d found a promising record of three doctors arrested for aiding and abetting a child prostitution ring. All three had been arrested for aiding and abetting.

They hadn’t been named in the record. That had been a hassle, but after nearly a week of searching, he was relatively confident he had the right ones. In subsequent searches, Lavi found a death certificate and correlating article for the first doctor. The second he couldn’t find at all. These records, many of them not accessed legally, were difficult to sift through--and his knowledge of Japanese writing was limited at best. He could read and write Chinese with perfect fluency, but Japan used the characters differently sometimes. That had been time consuming.

The third doctor had done murder while in jail and was still serving added time.

Sighing, Lavi brought up more articles he’d dug out of the ass-end of the internet and froze. He hardly breathed as he opened a file from a private intelligence agency that had been leaked onto the darknet. It was the first record he’d found for the second doctor since his imprisonment.

He scanned the first few lines, brought his hands to his chest, looked skyward, and thanked every deity he had ever heard of (which was a lot). The man had been older, in his mid- to late-sixties, when he’d been arrested. He’d served his time--over a decade--and been freed early for good behavior and so he could die at home.

His medical license had been revoked shortly after his arrest, but he’d stayed near the industry after his release. He was now running a website that sold herbs and “all natural” cures for common ailments. Lavi read through it, scoffing at all the pseudo-science and the bullshit, non-peer-reviewed studies. There was a customer service email.

It would have to do. 

Heart pounding, Lavi’s fingers flew over the keys.

_Greetings,_

_We have never met, but I believe you may know a friend of mine who is in possession of a curious flower that he said he was given by you when he was a child. It has quite a number of interesting restorative properties. I would very much like to speak with you if you have any information about the nature of the plant. I have attached a picture of the plant in hopes that it may be identified._

He used a hastily set up email to send the message but provided no identifying info. He had not wanted to include too much information, just in case. His finger hovered over the Send button for nearly five minutes before he finally took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and pressed it down.

—

_March 10th_

Yuu lay looking up at his bookshelf. The many notebooks gathered dust. They were his darker sketchbooks, the ones he illustrated with the faces from his dreams. Just this year, he’d filled seven volumes. Each time he completed one, he’d set it on the shelf and do his best to forget about it, and he’d always avoided looking back at a notebook once he’d filled it.

Part of it, he thought, was the desire to part himself from the memories inside, the hope that they would shrivel and die just like pressed flowers did. They would fade and become translucent afterimages.

He’d kept to his unspoken rule for a long time, only going back in times of dire need, like when he’d shown Lavi. But it might not be so painful to look over them now. With a fortifying breath, he sat up and extended his arm toward the first--

And stopped.

A phantom chill cut through to his bones, followed by a memory of darkness that stole the breath from his lungs. The horror of those days had chased him, nipping at his heels for years, closing in on him even when the brightness of his life seemed able to combat it. Even now, it tormented him, forced him to second-guess every touch, to fear a volume filled with pencil and ink as if it was a gateway back to that place.

He couldn’t allow it to run his life anymore.

Eyes screwed shut, he snatched the notebook up and opened the cover. His breath caught. He waited. The darkness did not crash around him. The chill faded. Even though his heart pounded, nothing had changed. He still kneeled on his bed with an ordinary notebook clutched in his shaking hands.

He opened his eyes, looked down at the page before him. The drawing had been done in ink, but he saw faded sketch lines beneath it. His lotus, its petals shadowed but perfect, untouched, dripped darkness on the paper. He remembered the despair he’d felt as he drew, tracing the lines of the ink with a finger. No cold gripped him from off the page, gnawing and biting at his bones. It was just a picture now. A reminder.

He sighed and continued to flip.

An hour later, he’d gone through all seven volumes and packed them away into a box that Tiedoll had once used for filing. He would take them home during spring break and put them in the attic. One day, he would look at them again. He would never get rid of them, though. They chronicled his recovery.

He hadn’t thought of them that way before now, but it was true. As he went through them all, the theme changed from despair to everyday pleasures to joy. What began as darkness, unnamed faces, became a landscape of a sun-drenched quad, doodles of the cat that usually lay in patches of sunlight next to the physics building, rough gesture sketches of professors filling the food bowl they’d put out for it. A detailed drawing of Lavi asleep at his desk.

Lavi was a running theme in them. He filled the pages of the later books. A sketch of him as a rabbit, a stick figure comic of something ridiculous he’d done, a drawing of him studying.

He folded a particular drawing he had come across and put it into his current notebook. It wasn’t his best, but it was definitely his favorite. It portrayed Lavi reading, propped up at the foot of his bed, the light from the desk lamp filtering over. He hadn’t realized he’d been observed, which was why it was good. He was relaxed, a smile on his face. Very natural. 

Yuu had to suppress a snort. The rabbit in its natural habitat. It was lucky no one else was here; he didn’t have to explain that horrible joke to anyone. Shaking his head, he piled a few more unused things into the box to be stored away. 

He stood up, feeling a strange sense of relief and accomplishment, then nearly collapsed onto his bed as a wave of dizziness slammed into him. He stumbled, head ringing with abrupt pain. Nausea rolled through his stomach. Arms clutching his sides hard enough to bruise, Yuu leaned against his mattress. A coppery taste filled his mouth. He’d bitten his tongue. _God, make it stop._

And it did. Abruptly. Just as it had come on.

The skin along his chest was crawling, extending out to his arm, and he shivered. His gaze went to his desk drawer.

It was still there, of course. He hadn’t expected it to be gone. It looked sick. Even the petals that still clung on looked ill and withered. Only five remained. The wooden base of the bell jar looked like a graveyard for dead petals.

As a child, he used to think that the petals were meant to count down to his death--morbid fancies for a broken mind. He’d dismissed it as he’d grown, but the headaches, and now the dizziness, made him question that. If only he could remember what that doctor had told him all those years ago--but his memories of those last few days spun around and around in his mind, hazy with the fatigue, the hunger, the unending pain… There were only flashes. A distorted face, indistinct mumbling, the flashes of light that burned his eyes.

In his peripheral vision, something across the room moved. His eyes shot over to the mirror that hung haphazardly on the closet door. Nothing there. The fine hair at the back of his neck prickled.

He grabbed for his sword, a sense of relief flushing his chest as his fingers closed over the wooden scabbard. There was a rustling of fabric behind him. He turned, the tails of a skirt at the edge of his sight, but still there was nothing. A hallucination.

A sigh drifted to his ears. He turned toward his desk and blinked. A woman leaned against it, her hand caressing the lotus in the drawer, which he’d left open. It quivered against her touch. He did too. He blinked again and she vanished. Only a floral perfume remained. Lotus blossom.

The door handle turned. He pivoted toward the door, unsheathed his blade in an instinctual move. Lavi walked in, then paused, the smile on his face faltering.

“You okay, Yuu-chan?”

He was panting, he realized. Sweat covered him in a cold sheen.

“Yuu-chan?”

Lavi came up to him, walking slowly, an arm outstretched. Yuu kept his sword very still. Lavi had no depth perception; sudden movements might throw off his spacial awareness.

Lavi’s hand made contact with his elbow and slid up to his shoulder. Yuu’s breathing was ragged as the hand moved to his neck, then his stubbly face. He hadn’t shaved yet today. Lavi’s thumb smoothed the path of his cheekbone.

Slowly, falteringly, he lowered the blade. Lavi bent, reaching for the discarded scabbard. Yuu took it in numb fingers and sheathed the sword.

“I’m sorry,” he said. He had no other words.

“What for?” Asked Lavi. His hand came back up to Yuu’s face, this time cupping behind his neck to pull him toward his rumpled bed.

“That,” he said, gesturing to where he’d been standing.

“Don’t apologize for that,” Lavi said, and leaned in to kiss him. It was a light brush of lips. Yuu dropped his sword without intending it, his fingers still numb. He needed this.

“What had you so freaked out?” Lavi asked, both hands now cupping Yuu’s face. He brought his hands up, covering Lavi’s with his own freezing fingers.

“Thought I heard an intruder,” he said breathlessly.

“Alright,” said Lavi. He pressed his lips together, like he was holding back a sarcastic response.

“It was stupid,” said Yuu.

“No,” said Lavi. His hands drifted into his scalp, thumbs moving to massage his temples. “I’m always on edge these days, too. It’s perfectly natural, given Jason’s… departure.”

“No,” said Yuu, “I heard something. I _saw_ something. A woman. She was at the desk. I think the lotus is trying to drive me crazy.”

Lavi sighed. “It’s alright, Yuu-chan. It will all be okay. We will figure it out.” But his mouth tightened into a grim line.

“I guess.” He wasn’t convinced.

After a few minutes of silence, he added, “I had another weird headache today.”

“Yeah?”

“Like before, only I got really dizzy too.”

“And the lotus?” Lavi wasn’t meeting his eyes.

“Five petals.”

Lavi winced. “We’ll figure it out after spring break. There’s no use worrying about it now.”

Yuu groaned. Spring break. Tiedoll had called yesterday and in characteristic abruptness told them about the grand trip they’d all be taking. All Yuu’s plans for a quiet, restful break had been utterly obliterated as Tiedoll outlined pick-up times and items to bring. Somewhere during the rather one-sided conversation, Tiedoll had added, “Oh, and you should bring that Lizzie with you, too. Poor thing could use a break.” And then, later, “I’m just so _happy_ you’ve finally started to make friends, Yuu-kun. I’m _so proud_.” That had been followed by a good deal of sniffing as Yuu did his best not to throw the phone through the window.

Lavi, who was a more regular correspondent with Tiedoll, had known all about the plans and had given him an exasperated look when he’d complained that Tiedoll had just sprung this on him from nowhere.

“Oh, don’t groan like it’s a struggle,” said Lavi now. “It’ll be _fun_. I’ve never been skiing before. And maybe that’s just what you need--a break from all the worrying.”

He gave Lavi a disbelieving look. Lavi rolled his eye and leaned in to kiss him.

“Oh, by the way, Lizzie was so excited when I asked her yesterday. She called her parents immediately. They said yes--after she assured them about five million times that she didn’t have a boyfriend and that she was the only single person going.”

“That’s not exactly true,” said Yuu. “I mean, _technically_ Allen and Lenalee aren’t together.”

Lavi rolled his eye again.

“Regardless, they’re letting her come.”

“Did Tiedoll say he was bringing a date?” Asked Yuu. He knew his father had been dating someone. How not when he wouldn’t stop gushing about her over the phone? Yuu hadn’t met her yet, but Lenalee had gone home for a weekend earlier in the semester and come back with only praise. (“She only freaked out a little when Daisya licked her!”)

“Yep! He wouldn’t shut up about it, actually.”

Yuu rolled his eyes, scoffing, and pulled Lavi into an embrace.

\--

A/N: We had to split this chapter into two because it ended up being 37 pages long. 14668 words all together. Yeah. We’re planning on posting a new chapter every other day until the end. 


	24. Flesh and Bone

Chapter 24 — Flesh and Bone 

The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.

\--Ferdinand Foch

_March 15th — The first day of Spring break_

Skiing, it turned out, was far more difficult than Yuu had imagined. Though Tiedoll often took the family on skiing trips, he had always stayed indoors, never caring to try it out and preferring instead to partake of the sauna and hot tub that came attached to each cabin. One year, Daisya had decided to stay with him--not exactly a blessing, as he had had a large portion of beans for dinner the night before and fumigated them out of the sauna, choking for clean air.

This time, though, he’d willingly taken Lavi’s hand and gone to rent skis. They’d arrived a little after noon after a six-hour drive that should have been less than four, at which point Tiedoll had handed Yuu the key to their usual cabin and gone off with his girlfriend to stay in the main resort. He hadn’t seen him since.

Now, he teetered at the top of a blue square slope. Lavi patted his shoulder, grinning.

“I looked at the description, and this one is the easiest after the bunny hills. You should be fine. C’mon!” With that, he zoomed down the hill, far too at home on the skis he swore he’d never picked up before in his life. Yuu wasn’t sure if he believed that.

Lizzie had gone with Allen and Lenalee to the black diamonds, so he was alone. Sighing, he slipped on his orange-tinted goggles and pushed himself onto the slope.

Halfway down, his fear left him, and he began to delight in the crisp wind on his face. He began to make his way down more directly, a grin splitting his face. When he reached the bottom, Lavi was already there. It was then that Yuu realized he still wasn’t all that good with stopping.

He collided with his boyfriend and the two fell into a heap.

“Oof! Yuu!” Lavi complained, but he was laughing.

“Wow, you weren’t lying when you said you were shit at this,” said a laughing voice. A pair of skis slid up perilously close to his head.

“Lizzie?” He asked, untangling himself from Lavi’s skis--stupid, useless plastic twigs.

“Yep! The sun’s starting to set, so Allen and Lenalee went back to the cabin. I came to get you.”

It was nice to hear her sounding happy. Yuu couldn’t help but grin. Lizzie bent and helped him up, and he turned to do the same for Lavi.

“You may just want to carry your skis. It’s a little uphill to the cabin,” she added as Lavi and Yuu sorted out their poles.

“Good idea,” said Lavi, and he sat back on the snowy ground with a grunt. In moments, his booted feet were free. Yuu leaned down to do the same, and he noticed in his peripheral vision that Lizzie had followed suit.

“So how was your day?” Lavi asked Lizzie as he heaved himself up from the ground.

“It was great! Although, poor Allen--he got cut off by some asshole on a snowboard and he twisted an ankle! It was on our last run, too.”

“Is he alright?” Asked Lavi.

“Oh, he’s fine,” said Lizzie, waving a gloved hand. “He was limping a little, but I’m sure it’s a small injury. We’ll examine it back at the cabin.”

“Well, if he can walk, he’s probably fine,” said Yuu, but he felt uneasy. Allen didn’t heal like he did.

When they got back to the cabin, the sun was already behind the trees. Lenalee and Allen sat on the porch, leaning on one another.

“‘Bout time you got back!” Allen called. A split-second later, a snowball hit Yuu square in the face. He spluttered.

“What the fuck, Moyashi?” He shouted.

“It’s Allen!”

Another snowball flew toward him, but this time he saw it coming. He dodged to one side, nearly colliding with Lavi, and dove to the ground. His skis fell, forgotten, as he hastily packed together a snowball and lobbed it at Allen. Lenalee, giggling, was hit on the side of the face.

“Hey!” She shouted. She stood up, and Yuu’s eyes widened. Behind her was a veritable arsenal of perfectly spherical snowballs.

“Not fair!” Lavi shouted. Yuu heard his skis clatter to the ground before Lavi came into view, sprinting toward the stash.

“No, you don’t!” Lenalee yelled, but she quickly yielded the ground with a shriek as Lavi rammed himself into the stockpile.

Allen, a literal sitting duck, could only reach for some of the snowballs that hadn’t been destroyed, aiming to get as much snow as he could down Lavi’s back. The two of them wrestled, so Yuu turned his attention to the real enemy.

Lenalee was closing in on him, a freshly minted snowball in her hand. Yuu dodged her throw, but then he was running for it--only for Lizzie to accost him and get hold of his waistband. He did not make a particularly dignified sound (it was later described as a squawk) as snow avalanched into his pants.

“All right! Score one for the girls!” Lenalee shouted. She and Lizzie high fived. With Yuu out of the picture--he was still writhing in the cold, wet agony of snowy underpants--they aimed for Lavi, chasing him around the cabin four times before he met with the same fate. Pleased with themselves, they pulled him back to the door, and waved to Yuu.

“It’s too dark to continue. Come unlock the door!”

He narrowed his eyes at them and scoffed. He did go to the door, though, eying them suspiciously and turning around to glare if he thought they were getting too close.

At last, after a quick trip to gather up their discarded skis, they filed into the cabin, soaked and laughing and weary. Yuu carried Lizzie’s skis so she could help Lenalee support Allen through the door. His limp had gotten worse.

“I’ll go get some ice,” Lavi said after he’d removed his boots in the mud room.

“I’ll help,” said Lizzie, shucking her own outer clothing.

Yuu followed a moment later, leaving Allen to Lenalee’s care. The kitchen was just as he remembered: spacious but with the tiniest sink he’d ever seen. The island that bisected the room still held the evidence of Daisya’s overenthusiastic kitchen “help”, a long scar in the wood near where it met the floor. And there in the ceiling above were the tine marks from the forks he, Daisya, and Marie had attempted to lodge there. That was the year they’d decided Marie could echolocate, as only his forks had stuck into the ceiling.

Opening the pantry they’d filled upon arrival, Yuu pulled out a large block of chocolate and a package each of vanilla beans and cinnamon sticks.

“Whatcha up to?” Lavi asked, turning from the freezer to face him.

“Hot chocolate,” Yuu said. Lavi raised an eyebrow. “It’s a tradition,” he added.

“I thought you hated sweets?”

“I’ll make myself tea.” He shrugged and turned to the cupboard where they’d stored their pots and pans.

“I can’t find any ice at all, Lavi,” said Lizzie. She sounded worried.

“We’ll use snow, then. Didn’t we bring plastic baggies?”

“I guess that’ll work,” she said.

Yuu pulled out two freezer bags from the pantry and handed them to her as she walked over. She thanked him and left the room. A moment later, Yuu heard her explaining to Allen and Lenalee.

“Shall I get a fire going?” Asked Lavi.

“They redid it a few years ago,” Yuu said. “It’s gas now. Here’s the lighter. Be sure not to turn the gas on too high before you light it. It’s finicky. Tiedoll kept singing his eyebrows off.”

Lavi chuckled as he took the lighter from Yuu and left him to the hot chocolate. While the others fussed over Allen, Yuu grabbed a gallon of milk from the fridge and began to warm it up in a large saucepan. He added sugar, some vanilla beans he’d quickly scraped, and several cinnamon sticks, whisking it gently until it began to simmer. He took it off the heat and began on the chocolate.

It took an annoying amount of time to shave and melt it in a glass bowl over another saucepan, but soon it was done and he was whisking the final product together as it heated through.

He smiled fondly at the chipped mugs they always brought with them. There were nine in the set, each with a cartoon depiction of one of Santa’s reindeer. Vixen was broken now (Komui had “accidentally” dropped it after Daisya had made a joke that it should go to Lenalee), but the rest were more or less intact. Daisya had added X’s for eyes over Blitzen, and it had never quite washed off. Yuu grabbed Rudolph and filled it first. Before he filled any of the others, he brought the chipped mug into the other room and handed it to Allen, who had taken up residence on the couch by the fire.

“Moyashi,” he said. A greeting. Allen scowled but took the mug without a retort. His leg was up on the overstuffed ottoman that seemed to be reupholstered every year. It was a garish orange this time.

“The hot chocolate’s ready?” Asked Lenalee, coming up beside him. At his nod, she squealed and threw her arms around his neck.

“Is it that good?” Asked Lizzie.

“You have _no idea_ ,” Lenalee shouted over her shoulder as she scrambled into the kitchen.

Once everyone was served and Yuu had finished steeping his tea, they all gathered around the couch. Allen had a fresh freezer bag of snow on his swollen ankle. Lenalee snuggled into him, a smug look on her face as she sipped from the chipped Donner mug. Lizzie had grabbed the armchair for herself, so Yuu sat down next to Lavi, who leaned against him immediately.

“To a great trip,” Lenalee said, lifting her mug. They all repeated the wish in a mumbled cacophony as they lifted their mugs. Yuu smiled and pulled Lavi closer. It had been a good day.

—

They had a late dinner that night (which Yuu had cooked, naturally), but afterward, they entertained themselves with aged boardgames that one of the other timeshare residents had left behind. As the night grew, though, Lenalee hopped up from the couch. She disappeared into the kitchen, returning moments later with some candles and a flashlight.

“Hey guys,” she said, “let’s tell some ghost stories.”

Then, before anyone could protest, she flipped off the lights.

“Isn’t that a bit cliché?” Lizzie asked in a squeaky voice.

“Nahh, when else are we going to get the chance to tell spooky stories in a ski lodge. Besides, it’s tradition!”

It was not tradition, actually. Not that Yuu could remember, anyway.

“Yeah, ghost stories,” Lavi mumbled and tried to scoot closer into Yuu’s chest. 

“C’mon, guys, it’ll be fun,” Allen said.

“If you must,” said Yuu. He wrapped his arms tighter around Lavi.

Lenalee grabbed the lighter from the coffee table they’d dragged away from the couch and lit each of the candles. Then she clicked on the flashlight, aiming it beneath her chin.

“Okay, who wants to go first?” She asked, wiggling the light.

“Oh, me, I do!” Allen exclaimed, waving his hand high in the air like an overenthusiastic schoolkid. Lenalee tossed him the flashlight. He caught it deftly, but it switched off. There was a squawk in Yuu’s ear, and Lavi jolted.

“Sorry!” Lenalee said, not sounding sorry at all. “It was too hard to resist.”

Allen got the flashlight on and began his story.

It wasn’t really that scary. It was a story of how a traveller in Nepal had come across a yeti. He had jumped, though, when someone slammed a book down on the coffee table for sound effects.

Lenalee took the flashlight next. “Once, there was a group of five students who went deep into the mountains…” The students had gotten lost and found an abandoned cabin in the woods. It just so happened to be part of an old ski resort that had been shut down fifty years ago for too many unexplained deaths. Naturally, the kids were never seen again; the only trace was some bloodied object in the cabin.

Lizzie half-snatched the flashlight from Lenalee and began her own story next. This one was truly chilling, at least to start. A little girl had been riding on the subway when she noticed a woman staring at her. She’d spent the whole of her journey--a nearly twenty-minute ride--stealing glances throughout. The woman never blinked. She just kept staring at her. The subway came to a dead halt between stations, and the woman began to move. She grabbed the girl, but her skin was cold and decaying. In the end, the girl was saved by a mutant bat, which soared in through an open window and began to feast on the woman’s flesh. The girl had pushed herself through the same open window and run down the empty subway tracks. She met up with some rat people, who ushered her to safety--a feat which involved dodging subway traffic, a naked mole rat large enough to be ridden as a horse, and a soldered-on manhole cover.

Lavi took the flashlight eagerly once Lizzie had finished.

“Once, there was an old couple who lived off of an abandoned stretch of road out in the ass-end of nowhere. They lived a quiet life, tending to their fields and eking out a living in harmony with nature. One evening, an old man knocked on their door, asking for shelter. ‘Of course,’ said Dottie, the older of the couple. ‘We’d be happy to,” said Pearl, and she set a place for him at their table. ‘Thank you so much for your kind hospitality,’ said the old man as he settled in for the night. ‘I don’t mean to alarm you, but no matter what you hear or see tonight, don’t leave your bedroom.’ For some idiotic reason, they decided to not to immediately kick him out.”

That got a laugh from the room. Lavi allowed himself a small giggle and continued.

“So anyway, the couple goes to bed, and sure enough, in the wee hours of the night, they are awoken by a terrible scratching at their door, like a dozen small dogs trying to get in. It worsens as the night continues, until it’s all they can hear. The couple spend the night huddled in each other’s arms, shaking.

“The sound stops abruptly just before dawn, and when Dottie and Pearl emerge, they find no sign of the old man. Confused but ultimately relieved, they decide to put the incident behind them--you know, because _that’s_ a good idea…”

More laughter from the room. This time, it was a little strained, though. A car rumbled up the snowy road. It needed a new muffler. Lavi’s voice raised as it approached so they could still hear him.

“Anyway, it comes to be nighttime again, and the couple closes their door, still nervous. The scratching returns that night, and then the following one, and then the next. On that last night, Dottie looks out the window as the scratching ends and jumps.” As Lavi spoke, the car’s headlights flashed in through the window. It backlit him--a little sinisterly, Yuu thought. “There, right outside their bedroom window, was a pair of red eyes staring in.”

Lizzie screamed, a long, drawn-out, I-am-actually-terrified scream. It was the kind that female protagonists of horror movies emitted just before they died. Blood-curdling. Yuu lunged for the light switch.

“What?” Lavi exclaimed as Lenalee yelped in response. “That wasn’t even the scary part!”

“There!” Lizzie said faintly. The lights flickered on. They all blinked rapidly. Lizzie was pointing at the window that looked out onto the side of the house. “There was someone looking inside from the porch. I saw them when that car went by. They were right there.”

“I’m sure it was nothing,” said Lenalee with a nervous chuckle.

“I saw it, you guys. I swear.” She was still staring at the window.

“Give me the flashlight. I’ll go see,” said Yuu, holding out his hand. Lavi flipped it off and gave it to him, his movements almost absent. Yuu knew what he was thinking. He was thinking it too.

“Are you as stupid as you look, Kanda?” Shouted Allen from the couch. “This is how idiots die.”

Yuu just scoffed.

“This isn’t a horror movie,” said Lavi, but his voice sounded hollow.

He looked through the window first. Unlike the stupid bean sprout’s suggestion, he was _not_ an idiot. With his face pressed up against the window, he could see a few feet outdoors. Nothing. He hadn’t expected anything, though.

He grabbed his coat and slipped on his mildly damp boots, hitting the outdoor lighting switches. The porch lights illuminated the front, and he knew corresponding lights would do the same around the porch and down onto the snow-covered patio below. In the early fall, when the summer heat still lingered, they would get the timeshare for a second week. Komui would light up the grill with just a little too much enthusiasm and grill out every night. Surprisingly, he made a killer barbeque sauce.

“Open the window so I can shout to you if I see anything,” he called over his shoulder as he exited the house. He flipped on the flashlight and began to look.

No one out front, but footsteps both approaching and leaving the porch. He followed the steps backward along to the side of the porch where Lizzie had seen their peeper. No one there either, but given the footsteps leading away, he hadn’t expected anyone.He followed them around the back of the house to the glass sliding door. They’d had the blinds and curtains closed earlier, but Lavi drew them back as he approached. He opened the door just a touch.

“Did anyone come out here today?” Yuu asked the group.

There was a pause. Then Lenalee’s voice: “No, none of us. Not even during the snowball fight.”

“Maybe it was a maintenance guy?” Lizzie asked. Her voice quavered.

He continued along the path the footprints had made, careful not to disturb them, until he was back around the front. He made another circuit around the porch, this time scanning in the distance for anything reflective. Nothing.

In a last-ditch effort, he followed the footsteps down the hill on which the house perched to the patio below. The patio was untouched, but the footsteps led off to the woods near the road. Likely, whoever had looked in had parked his car beyond where the road cut through the woods and taken a circuitous route to come at the house from the other direction. It was too dark to check for it now, so Yuu turned back toward the cabin, chilled, already planning out what type of tea he’d make himself.

Then the world tilted, the ground rising up to meet his face. His vision tunneled. His heart slammed into his ribcage. He couldn’t breathe.

There was nothing beneath him, no snow, no frozen earth.

Around the rushing in his ears, someone hummed. They were in perfect time. He opened his eyes--when had they closed?--and saw only blackness. He blinked. Over and over again, he blinked. A hand ran through his hair.

Everything but the humming stopped. He gasped in a huge breath. His whole body shook with it. When he blinked this time, a woman came into view. He was face up now. Her delicate fingers were cold as the snow beneath him, but they teased at his forehead as she adjusted his bangs there. His head was resting on her knees. Her long skirt spread to either side of him.

All of her clothing was in an older style. Victorian, he thought. It covered even her neck. Ruffles erupted from her neck, just to be covered by the bodice. Certainly she was freezing. Yuu could barely feel his extremities and he was dressed for the weather.

She still hummed, her eyes closed, a placid smile on her face. At first, her features were indistinct, but he shifted and her face came into focus. His breath caught.

He’d seen that face so often in his dreams, never understanding the connection. She’d never haunted him like those who had hurt him--she’d never been that clear--but she’d always been there, a phantom just before waking. Always smiling. A comfort. He’d never been able to draw her face, her features always going indistinct in his mind when his pencil touched paper. But here she was, as real as he’d ever seen her. She noticed his gaze, and her smile widened. She was looking directly at him. He couldn’t bring himself to be afraid.

“Be well.”

Her voice was soft, warm enough to melt the snow. Nurturing. Like a mother should be.

The fingers trailed from his hair and did not return. Her legs disappeared from beneath his head. She faded from sight. Only the memory of her smile remained. Yuu reached out, called out to her, but she was gone.

“Yuu!?”

Lavi’s voice. Footsteps. Then knees next to his head, hands reaching around his head and neck and lifting him up.

“Yuu!”

He couldn’t speak. Even as Lavi sat him upright, his head lolled. He couldn’t control himself.

“What did he do to you?” Lavi asked in a tight, restrained voice.

His words still failed him, but he managed to shake his head.

“Yuu, what’s wrong? Are you hurt anywhere?”

Lavi patted him down but stopped abruptly. His eye went wide.

“Your lips are blue. Of _course_ you’re not responding.” He lifted Yuu over his head into a fireman's carry as he spoke. Yuu barely felt it.

He blinked and they were approaching cabin. When had that happened?

Lavi ignored the others’ questions as he barged in. He didn’t even shuck his boots as he carried Yuu to the bathroom. They piled around the door, but Lavi shut it on them. He peeled Yuu’s outerwear and clothes from him. The tiles pressed warmly against his skin. Abruptly, the _whoosh_ of the tap gushing water into the tub obliterated all other sounds. Yuu couldn’t hear Lavi’s ragged breaths anymore.

Then he was in the bath. He was going to be boiled alive. Finally-- _finally_ \--his voice came back. An incoherent yell ripped from his throat.

Lavi felt the water and cursed. “Too hot?” He asked, adjusting the taps. “I thought it would be cold enough for you.”

Eventually, he adjusted to the water and began to shake so violently he thought he was having a fit.

“Th-the l-l-lotus,” he finally said through chattering teeth. Lavi’s hands, which had been chafing over his naked body, abruptly stopped. His eye turned to Yuu, feverish.

“You said you got dizzy last time--is that what happened?” His hands came around Yuu’s biceps, clutching vice-like.

“S-s-something like th-that,” said Yuu. He didn’t think he’d hit his head.

Lavi sighed and released him. “Oh, thank God.” All the urgency left Lavi. He slumped over the edge of the bath. There were tears in his eye. Though his hand shook, Yuu wiped them away.

He let Lavi deal with the others as he warmed up in the water that felt increasingly cool to him. He barely heard what he said (“...slipped and hit his head…”, “...no, he’s fine now…”).

When he finally emerged from a bath whose temperature he’d warmed three times over, the others had gone to bed, shaken but relieved. Lavi helped him dressed, even though he hadn’t needed it. Yuu let him. He’d been in that type of panic before. It was best to let Lavi fuss. He’d be worse if the situation had been reversed.

They dressed in warm pajamas. Lavi even had his scarf on. He crawled into Yuu’s single bed and pressed his face into his chest.

“So you really didn’t see anyone out there?” He whispered into Yuu’s shirt.

Yuu grunted lightly, wrapped his arms tightly around Lavi. “Just footprints in the snow going into the trees. It was probably someone who thought this was their cabin. When they saw us, they walked down to the next one.”

“Right.” Lavi’s voice was strained.

“If it _was_ Jason, or any Bookman, for that matter, we all just have to stick together as a group and everything will be fine until we go back home. They won’t attack if you’re with all of us.”

Lavi nodded against his chest. Neither of them was going to sleep that night.

An hour passed, maybe two, when Lavi whispered into the dark.

“Yuu, are you awake?”

“Mm,” said Yuu.

“I didn’t even think about it until now, but your tattoo--it’s worse.”

“Yeah,” said Yuu. He’d noticed that as he’d dried himself off. It had taken him a moment to remember how to breathe past the dread in his throat.

Lavi snuggled in closer. Yuu tugged at the scarf.

“Take this off. You’ll choke yourself.”

Lavi did, but he kept it between himself and Yuu. Yuu decided not to comment on it, instead holding Lavi tighter until at last, the redhead’s breaths evened out.

—

_March 17th_

Lavi awoke quite abruptly just after eight o’clock to an immense kerfuffle downstairs. He made to grab for his scarf, but it was trapped under Yuu, who had actually fallen asleep. Lavi hadn’t been sure he would, not after how grim he’d been after warming up.

“What’s going on?” He asked as he descended the stairs.

Lenalee was bent over Allen, fussing. Lizzie threw clothing and other items around as she searched for something.

“Allen’s ankle is really swollen. Like really, really swollen.”

Lavi walked over and paused. The ankle in question had turned beet red and grown to the size of Allen’s calf overnight. He hissed in a breath. “Yeah, that’s bad.”

“There’s a hospital with an ER a few minutes from here. They put it in because of the skiing.”

“Don’t blame them,” said Lavi. He gestured at Lizzie. “What’s she looking for?”

“The keys to Tiedoll’s car.”

“Oh, Yuu has those. They’re up in our room.”

Lizzie stiffened, then charged across the room and up the stairs. There was a slam, a startled grunt, and then, “Where are they!?”

“Where are what?” Yuu sounded groggy.

“The _keys!_ ”

The exchange was followed by a _thunk_ , some scraping, another exclamation from Yuu, and finally the stomping of Lizzie sprinting back.

“Got them!” She said breathlessly, holding them up. “Let’s go.”

“What--no! Lenalee’s not driving me!” Shouted Allen from the couch.

“I’ll take you two,” said Yuu, coming downstairs, shirtless and gorgeous and damn, but that tattoo had grown larger.

So it was that Yuu ferried Allen and Lenalee to the nearby ER. Instead of going back to the cabin, though, Lizzie asked if they could spend the day walking around the local resort town.

“Why?” Yuu asked, and he seemed genuinely confused.

“I want to get souvenirs--oh, and take pictures and such.”

“But don’t you go skiing with your family over winter break every year?”

“Oh, that’s hardly the same,” said Lizzie, waving a hand in dismissal.

“What, because your father has a chalet on the grounds of the best resort in America--which he owns?”

Lizzie stuck her tongue out at him. “I never get to do what I want when I’m with them. We barely even go skiing because my mother doesn’t like to mess up her makeup, so I usually just end up babysitting my little sisters. So this has already been way more fun than any of those trips. Plus, if Dad does become president, it’ll be even worse.”

“Yeah,” said Lavi. He’d studied the Secret Service detail as part of his Bookman studies and could only imagine the annoyance of having to put up with it on a day-to-day basis.

Yuu sent a group text to Lenalee to let them know when she needed to be picked up. They’d be around town until then.

Hours later, after spending the day walking until Lavi was certain he had blisters on his blisters, they decided to head back to the cabin. They let Lenalee know.

_We r still in er_ , she wrote back. _Bus accident = long wait 4 xrays_

Lavi winced. _Best of luck_ , he sent back.

_Save. Me._ He got back. _Shrek on repeat._

“Oh dear,” said Yuu, but his lips twitched.

_On. Repeat. 6 hrs._

_Fuck. Shrek._

_We r back to movie 1 fuck everything_

_Don’t let your brother hear you talk like that_ , Yuu shot back.

“Let’s walk back,” said Lizzie. “It’s not that far, and the car is still in the ER parking lot. We’ll just give Lenalee the keys and she can come back when she’s ready.”

“Sure,” said Lavi. Unfortunately, no one heard the sarcasm and that was what they ended up doing.

There was a path from the town to the resort, thankfully, but Lavi hardly felt grateful for it as each step stabbed a stake through the balls of his feet. The arches were completely on fire. He wanted to complain, but it wouldn’t do any good. More likely, he’d become a broken record and annoy the shit out of both of his friends. So he stayed silent.

Even though there was no chance of losing the path in the dark, Lavi’s stomach knotted over and over itself. He gritted his teeth.

The sun finished setting as they climbed the sixth hill on the way back to the resort. Lavi began to flag, his feet protesting each step, his eye beginning to droop without his consent. The fifth time he stumbled, Yuu took his hand. Lavi squeezed it gratefully.

Lizzie, who somehow had more energy, ranged on ahead of them. Twice, Yuu called her back, and she came trotting back to them. As she approached, she began to twirl, her arms outstretched to either side. Her laugh was light and airy.

“It’s so beautiful out here!” She yelled, then hugged the two of them, drawing them all to a stop.

Lavi tried a smile, but it faltered.

“Aww, I’ve worn the two of you out, haven’t I?” Lizzie said, pouting. Her face broke into a bright smile. Eyes dancing, she added, “Men have _no_ endurance, I _swear_.”

She twirled a few times more and then ranged ahead again.

“Let her go,” said Yuu. “She’ll be close enough.”

“You just don’t want to keep up with her,” Lavi said, and he stuck out his tongue. Yuu squeezed his hand again, snorting.

“She knows not to go too far. Even though we’re in a safe area, she’s a girl, and I doubt she’s forgotten last night. Let her be happy.”

“Yeah.” That just made Lavi feel more uneasy. He leaned against Yuu’s arm, and Yuu shifted, putting his arm around Lavi’s shoulders. He hadn’t realized how cold it was until then.

Lizzie disappeared over the apex of the hill, at least a hundred paces ahead. They reached it about a minute later and didn’t see her below. The path turned into a patch of woods about halfway down. Behind and below them, the resort town glowed with street lights. Without meaning to, they stopped and looked out at the sight. Ahead were the mountains, dark and shrouded in the night. Only the bright pool of light from the resort and the string of lights along the ski lifts illuminated anything significantly. It was very quiet where they were. Snow began to fall, and Lavi closed his eyes, uneasiness forgotten.

“It’s beautiful,” he whispered.

Yuu chuckled. “Only if you’re actually looking at it.”

Lavi pushed him, laughing. “I’m basking, Yuu. _Basking_.”

“You can bask with your eyes open.”

“No, you can’t!”

Yuu pulled him into a hug. Lavi leaned in and planted a kiss on his reddened nose. Yuu followed that with a kiss on the mouth that deepened almost as soon as their lips met. Their tongues met and slid against one another. Lavi reached a hand around Yuu’s butt. He moaned in approval.

They parted a moment later, their breaths mingling in steaming clouds.

“When we get back,” said Yuu. A promise.

“Okay,” said Lavi. They resumed their way down the path.

A scream rent the silence of the evening.

Lizzie.

Lavi lurched into motion. He didn’t think. He didn’t stop to let Yuu run ahead or consider the danger he was in. He just bolted down and around the curve in the path. For a moment, there was only the echo of her scream in the distance, his crashing footsteps, and each wrenching gasp of air going into his lungs. Then Yuu’s footsteps caught him up. The dark-haired boy sprinted past, easily outpacing Lavi. Then he stopped abruptly. There were footprints in the snow next to the path. They veered off gradually until they came to a sharp turn halfway up the next rise.

“Lizzie!” He shouted. It rang out into the night, echoed once, twice, three times. It was so quiet. No longer the safe quiet of his moment with Yuu. It was harsh and seemed to press in on his ears, ringing, like it was too loud. He listened and listened for any response, but it was no use. He couldn’t hear anything over the pounding of his heart and the falling snow.

Yuu bent over, examining the footprints.

“There are two sets here,” he said. One set was significantly larger than the other. Lavi’s heart leapt to his throat.

In unspoken agreement, they set off in unison. As the trail continued, the smaller set began to drag, breaking through the frozen crust from previous storms. He called Lizzie’s name again, but there was nothing. Yuu shushed him with a sharp look.

They crunched through the snow, now deep into the woods. It was too dark to see. Yuu pulled a flashlight from his pocket and switched it on.

“I figured, since we weren’t taking the car… might be useful...”

Lavi nodded and they continued on. In the distance, he could just make out a point where the trees thinned out. As they approached, tiny dark pinpricks stained the snow. He waited as Yuu paused to examine them. He knew it before Yuu spoke.

“Blood.”

Everything went numb. His ears rang, and he couldn’t think. The droplets continued to pepper the footprints they followed. It wasn’t a lot, but that meant little until they’d found her and could assess her condition. He hoped that maybe Lizzie had gotten the injury using her self-defense training.

A sound like a sob brought them both to an abrupt halt. They listened. Lavi barely let himself breathe, but his panting came anyway, loud in his ears. There was a small squeak, then a cry. It was Lizzie. It was definitely Lizzie. They both crashed forward, Yuu half uprooting a sapling as they entered a large clearing.

There she was. His chest burst with joy. She was collapsed in the snow, holding her bleeding nose with a gloved hand. His knees gave out as he approached her, and he slid to her side. He put a hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him, but her head swayed and her eyes didn’t seem to focus.

“Lavi?” She slurred.

“Lay down,” he said. If she’d been hurt in the head badly enough to affect speech, she might have a spinal injury. He helped her down. “Now don’t move.”

Yuu knelt down next to her, running the flashlight over her to check for other injuries. A nasty cut bisected her cheek, revealing a glint of bone. Lavi’s stomach lurched, but he ignored it. He’d seen worse. He’d seen so, so much worse. The thin beam of the flashlight moved to the top of Lizzie’s head. There was another injury--a wound that bled freely down the side of her face.

“We need to get her to a doctor,” said Lavi. “She shouldn’t be moved. You’re faster than me, so I’ll stay with her.”

But Yuu was shining the light into the woods again, and Lavi remembered why they were there.

“Lavi, you guys have to get out of here,” Lizzie said, her words barely intelligible. She looked past Lavi’s shoulder. Definitely a concussion. At least she was conscious. He just had to keep her that way. 

“What happened, Lizzie? Can you tell me?” He asked. He lowered his voice on the second question because she’d flinched and he needed to keep her still. He put his hands around her neck so she wouldn’t move it again.

“I think he’s coming back.”

“Yuu,” Lavi said, “do you see anything?”

Someone stepped into the clearing. Lavi saw it only as movement in the shadows.

“Stay still,” he told Lizzie. “Don’t move your head.”

Yuu’s flashlight blazed in his direction, and as he stood, he saw the stranger’s face.

Jason.

No--Bookman.

Jason reached into the pocket of his jeans. Something silver and gleaming hit the light. Then he was dashing toward Lavi. Lavi bolted to the side, trying to put as much distance between himself and Lizzie as possible.

Yuu screamed something, but Lavi couldn’t tell what. Jason altered his course and lunged. Time was supposed to slow down in life-and-death situations, Lavi thought as Jason slammed him into a tree, so why was this going so fast?

His vision blackened, then turned to shining stars. He felt the crunch of his skull more than heard it. Somewhere in his gut, there was a shredding pain, too. Jason released him, and he slid to the ground, noting that it should be cold but feeling nothing at all. His head spun.

Yuu appeared out of nowhere, distracting Jason. The two boys struggled to the edge of Lavi’s blurry vision. He blinked and they were out of sight. From the distance, Lizzie shrieked. Yuu let out an enormous roar. In real life, punches didn’t sound like they did in films. There was no _thwack_ , just a series of muffled noises. Yuu yelled again. Something shiny flew through the air. Lavi thought it looked like a shooting star.

He couldn’t make out the light from the flashlight anymore. Where had it gone? Had Yuu dropped it? It was so hard think.

He inched away from the tree on all fours, head swimming, following the path of broken snow back to Lizzie. She was sobbing, curled up on her side, both hands over her face. Lavi’s hand fell in something warm and wet. Vomit.

Something surged within him, the pain in his stomach suddenly so sharp he doubled over in the snow and vomit and clutched at his sides. In the edge of his dizzy vision, he caught sight of two struggling forms. He tasted blood in his mouth, coppery and hot.

Time began to move in weird lurches. Someone began screaming during a lag then abruptly got cut off as time jumped forward. He tried to concentrate on breathing, but he lost count of the ins and outs as time continued to scramble his brain. Yuu cried out. He could tell it was Yuu because it was followed by an immediate curse in Japanese. He scrabbled at the ground, heart beating a drumline solo against his ribs. Too fast.

His vision went dark, and when he blinked it away, a figure had fallen to the ground. He tried again to get up, but his legs weren’t responding to his orders.

Someone was talking. Female voice. Still slurring. Lizzie.

“--don’t understand why he’s doing this. Gonna call the cops. He smashed my phone. You have yours, right?” 

Yes, he did. He fumbled in his pockets. His hands weren’t working very well, too shaky. Bad sign. He flinched as the screen burned out his eye sockets. It was wrenched from his hands, and he curled them back over his stomach. She must have come around a little bit from her concussion. That was good. Bad that she was moving. But good.

He couldn’t concentrate. None of what Lizzie said over the phone sounded like English to him. She kneeled toward him as someone screamed-- _please don’t be Yuu_. She got very close, actually, and now she was pulling at his hands. He tried to resist, but they fell away.

Everything was pain then. He’d been doing his best to fight it, to ignore it. But when Lizzie opened the jacket, the icy wind cut at his stomach and he cried out. Lizzie said something, but then she pressed her hands down and everything was fire. He was pretty sure he was talking, begging her to just leave him alone.

Why was she doing this to him? He wanted to struggle, to push her away, but his arms were too heavy. Even lifting them took too much energy. It was getting cold, too. Especially in his limbs. It must be pretty late for it to be so cold. How long had they been out there?

“Don’t worry, Lavi. Yuu’s coming now. The police will be here soon. I promise.” 

Despite the pain, he smiled, relieved.

He’d forgotten about Yuu. He was okay! But what had happened to Jason? How could he have forgotten what was going on? Why weren’t his eyes focusing? He couldn’t have been hit that hard. He had to clear his head.

The pain rocked through him again. Focus, focus, focus. His heart was beating so fast and his brain was going so slow. But he pushed it, and it moved, grinding like rusty gears.

“What… Jason?” He asked. Well, that would have to be good enough.

“He’s gone,” said Yuu. And he was there, right next to Lavi, kneeling.

There was more light in the woods now. From his phone, he remembered. Lizzie had it propped in her lap. Her face was pale save for a bright splash of red down one side and around her nose and mouth. Her expression was all grim concentration. She was pressing her hands into his abdomen. That was where the pain was coming from, he realized. Her hands were covered in blood. He might have panicked, but he couldn’t muster the concentration for it. There was too much blood--on his coat, on the snow, leaking out of him. Deep within him, he knew he was dying.

He tried not to be afraid. Hadn’t he known this was going to happen? He’d let his guard down again, but Yuu…

Something warm touched his cheek. His eye fluttered open. He hadn’t realized he’d closed it. That couldn’t happen again. He knew what blood loss could do to the body. He had to stay awake. Had to see Yuu, make sure he was okay. He’d never forgive himself if Yuu got hurt trying to protect him. This is what he got for betraying the Bookmen, for letting himself trust. He’d been so happy these last few months. It had been worth it, he decided. Even if this was how it all ended. As long as Yuu was okay, everything was worth it.

Someone stroking his hair. He opened his eye. Again. Because it had closed of its own volition. He smiled. Or tried to. He wasn’t sure if he succeeded. But he felt like smiling. Yuu was right there, clearly in sight and looking beautiful and fierce as ever despite the fear in his eyes. Here was the person who had helped him be human again. Who’d loved and trusted him and made him _feel_. 

He’d been so much more like a robot than human back then. Cold steel and data instead of skin and blood. Because the world was pain, and if he wasn’t human, the pain wouldn’t touch him. He much preferred the world of flesh and bone. Even if it meant the pain. He’d learned to see the good in the world, and he would die clinging to it, just to have one final taste. 

“Lavi, just hang on. Stay awake. You have to stay awake.” Yuu’s voice was hoarse, desperate.

Oh. He was selfish, wasn’t he? How could he be thinking of leaving when it would mean so much pain for Yuu? Yuu, who had gone through trial after agonizing trial and emerged whole. Yuu. So strong. So fragile. But he just couldn’t keep his eye open anymore. One last look. Perhaps he would be alright. The cold was leaving his fingers and toes, and he almost felt warm again.

—-

A/N:

Marie and Miranda aren’t there because they wanted to canoodle at home. When they told Tiedoll this, he asked them if that meant he would have grandkids come September, to which Marie winked and Miranda blushed profusely. Tiedoll left the conversation whistling, a bounce in his step.

Edit 1/1/17: Also, in case anyone was curious, [this](http://acozykitchen.com/how-to-make-hot-chocolate/) is the recipe Em2 found when looking up how to make real hot chocolate, as Kanda does in this chapter. We tried out the recipe last night (with milk chocolate and no chile powder), and it was _amazing_. We highly recommend it to those of you without dairy restrictions. For those who _do_ have dairy restrictions, it turns out well when made with soy milk too, though slightly less thick and with a touch of nutty flavor.


	25. Point of No Return

Chapter 25 — Point of No Return

“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.” 

― J.R.R. Tolkein

_March 19th_

Someone was talking loudly nearby. In fact, there was a lot of noise in general. Beeps and mechanical whirs, squeaky wheels, whirring wheels over tile, footsteps running back and forth. Somewhere, a television blared out a carpet cleaning commercial. He didn’t move or open his eyes, just wanting to take in the sounds, a little afraid to do anything else. He didn’t think he was ready to face whatever was out there.

“What do you _mean_ , you don’t know why? There must be some reason neither of them have woken up! I thought you were a doctor! It’s been _two days!_ Tell me something.” 

“Tiedoll, please, calm down.” Lenalee. He could imagine her lifting her hands in a placating gesture. She sounded a little nasal, like she’d blown her nose too many times.

“ _Calm down?_ I just want to know what’s wrong with them!” Tiedoll’s voice broke often as he spoke, the volume crescendoing into something high and shrill.

They couldn’t be too far from him—maybe just outside whatever room he was in. But who was “both of them”? Who else was sleeping? Lizzie? She’d been concussed. No. Probably Yuu. The steady beeping—his heart monitor, he realized—spiked into a panicked fury.

He opened his eyes. _Damn, why is it so bright?_ Blurry whiteness flooded into his brain from both eyes. He tried to bring a hand up to investigate this strange event and felt the pull of an IV. A hospital for sure. But he had no memory of arriving. In fact, he had trouble dredging any of his memories up. His hand felt over his face. The eye patch was nowhere to be found and his fingers met nothing but the confusing texture of smooth unscarred skin. How had this happened? 

Blinking, his vision began to clear. He looked around the room hoping for some answers and immediately his head began to spin aggravatingly. Having two eyes again was definitely not what he had bargained for. It was typical hospital room, but though a curtain hung on a rail to separate him from another bed, he did not seem to have a roommate. To his left, once the dizziness cleared from turning his head, he saw that Lizzie sat on a hard-looking couch. She was dozing over a book, head bobbing into the pages.

His pulse had already settled from the jump, which he was surprised nobody had noticed. No. That was wrong. Tiedoll and Lenalee both stood, just outside the door, gaping in bug-eyed, soundless amazement, like two overlarge fish.

Slowly, he sat up— _shit_ , he was dizzy—and pressed his tube-filled hand to his stomach where there was no pain at all. No twinge followed the pressure of his hand, so he dug it in. Still nothing.

He remembered, now, the panicked fight, the slash of the knife into his stomach, the confusion. Even with the dizziness, his mind was working far too well for someone who had passed out multiple times from concussion and blood loss.

Lenalee let out a strangled cry and ran in. Lizzie, waking to the noise, gasped.

“Oh my god, Lavi, you’re awake!” Lizzie yelled.

A moment later, Lenalee collided with him, her arms half-strangling him as they came tightly around his neck. Then they were both knocked completely flat as Tiedoll, laughing, joined them. A doctor and two nurses came running, their sneakers loud against the tiled floor.

“Get off him—what are you doing!?” Said one of them, shooing off Lavi’s guests while the second nurse adjusted his IV stand—it had fallen—and the doctor took out a penlight and shone it into his good eyes.

Lavi winced back—his left eye was twice as sensitive as the right—and tried to turn his head, but the doctor it firmly from the back. Her fingers were very cold, like room-temperature metal touching his skin after a warm bath. With her thumb and forefinger, she pried Lavi’s right eyelid back open and continued to flash the light. She followed suit a moment later with the other one.

“Good pupil reactions,” she said, and released him. “Are you in any pain?”

“No,” croaked Lavi, bemused. But he should be. His stomach should be ripped wide open, his head should be throbbing with each successive beat of his heart. He should be heavily sedated, in agony. But he wasn’t. Had it all been a hallucination, or…? His mind came up blank. What in the hells of every religion on earth had happened?

He answered a few more cursory questions, not really concentrating on the blithe responses he gave between coughs. His throat was scratchy and dry with disuse. One of the nurses, the fit man with dark skin and shiny teeth, brought him a glass of water. He lifted it to his mouth and jolted as it clinked against his teeth. Some of it slopped down his chin. He sipped it slowly, though he really wanted to chug it down like shitty beer.

The doctor pulled Tiedoll from the room while the nurses poked and prodded at him, taking his vitals. They followed the doctor out of the room for a hushed conference. Lenalee said something about getting coffee and left as well.

Lizzie edged over to his bed. Up close, Lavi took in her bloodshot eyes, her red face and pallid skin. Though her hair hung in a braid, many frizzy strands were pulling loose. The only sign of injury were the gauze bandages at her temple and on her cheek. Abruptly, a smile bloomed on her face.

“You’re awake,” she said, and the relief in her voice made him reach out to catch her hand in his. She began tearing up.

“What happened?” Lavi asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. “You were bleeding _everywhere_. There was so much blood. You stopped breathing, I think”

Lavi grimaced. It _had_ happened as he remembered, then.

“And then Yuu walked up and started talking to you. You passed out again, and he… he… it was like he came to some decision there.” She took a deep breath, gripping the rail of Lavi’s bed in one hand and squeezing the Lavi’s with the other. He felt bone shift, but he squeezed back.

“He looked at me and asked me—” she broke off with a dry sob, “—he asked me to tell you he loved you and he just—” she sobbed again, holding Lavi’s hand so tightly it started to go numb at the fingertips. “He put his hand over your mouth, kissed you, and just sort of s-slumped over.”

She was sobbing in earnest now, the words coming in fits as she tried to breathe.

“He p-p-passed out, too. Neither of you—would wake—up. I th-thought—Jason—” her voice broke on his name, “—had done something—to him too.”

Lavi used their connected hands to pull her closer so she was leaning over the rail and into him. Tears trickled onto his cotton hospital gown, but he ignored them.

“I’m so sorry, Lizzie,” he said, carefully patting her shoulder with his IV hand. He avoided the head because he was still fairly sure she had a concussion. Not as bad as his had been, though.

She wailed between gasps for air. “Oh, Lavi, I didn’t know what to do! The police—arrived just—j-just a minute later. And th-they had EMTs… only there was no—no wound. No trace of wh-what he did to you. But there w-was so much—blood!”

So he had healed as Yuu usually did. That was odd, but he tamped down that train of thought. Now wasn’t the time for figuring out how it was possible. He just had to accept that it was. He could worry about it later.

“That’s really odd,” he said, continuing to pat her shoulder.

“And my damn head h-h-hurts so much!”

“I’m sorry,” Lavi said. “I forgot to ask you—are you? Are you alright?”

She nodded, hiccupping. “Concussion,” she mumbled. “And some abrasions.”

Lavi pulled her closer, essentially lifting her onto the bed. Lizzie stifled her sobs until she was only sniffling.

“I just don’t understand _why_ Jason—” Lizzie cut herself off with a half-sob.

“Don’t think about it now, Lizzie.”

They stayed that way for a few minutes, just resting in each other’s arms, trying not to cry.

“Lizzie?” He asked once her sniffles had ceased. “Where’s Yuu?”

“They took him for testing. They can’t figure out why he’s passed out—or why you had lost so much blood without a visible wound.”

“Well, they’re not the only ones,” Lavi said, rolling his eyes and fighting the bout of dizziness that elicited.Man, having depth perception again was really a pain in the ass. 

“Everyone—the doctors, the police—kept asking me what happened and why I was the only one hurt. I had no idea.”

“I’d been hurt, too,” said Lavi. “Who knows? What about Jason? Is he here too?”

Lizzie shook her head, tears in her eyes again. “I told them we’d been attacked, but they said there was only blood in the clearing. J-Jas— _he_ wasn’t there.”

Lavi nodded at that. Even if the police had found his body, the Bookmen would clean up their own mess. Regardless of whether Jason lived or not, his body would never be found.

A commotion at the door announced Lenalee’s return. She was scowling, holding a tiny styrofoam cup, muttering under her breath about shitty hospital sludge coffee.

—

Apparently, it was against hospital policy as a patient to remove your own IV and walk around the hospital to look for your boyfriend. He pouted at the nurse who caught him. He felt fine. It wasn’t even like the there had been medicine in the IV. In fact, he hadn’t even been attached to a bag. Well, he _had_ been, but it had been empty for over 30 minutes and no one had been by to cap his line off again. Plus, he had only fallen over three times when he had first gotten up, and he thought that was pretty good for not having depth perception for almost a decade. 

He tried to be reasonable, but he couldn’t help but feel anxious the longer he went without news. Tiedoll hadn’t returned to his room, and Lizzie had fallen asleep a little while after Lenalee had stopped in (and then promptly left again) to complain about the subpar coffee. He’d made his great escape then. 

It wasn’t like the nurse was being mean, he tried to convince himself. She just didn’t want to lose her job, so he followed her obediently.

He strolled down the hall, lagging just a bit behind the nurse because, yes, he was a little salty about being caught. The nurse turned a corner ahead of him, but as he looked into the door of the last room before the turn, he caught sight of Lenalee. He didn’t think twice about slipping inside to investigate.

“Lavi, what are you doing here?” Lenalee asked, shocked nearly out of her chair. “Does anyone know you’re up?”

“Yes, actually,” he replied, pasting a bright smile on his face. “One of the nurses just caught me and was frog-marching me back to my room.”

“I don’t see her,” said Lenalee, looking beyond him, but Lavi’s attention had fallen on the occupant of the room’s single bed.

Yuu.

He barely felt his feet as he came up to Yuu’s side. His hand moved without his permission to Yuu’s hand. It was cool but not cold. Definitely still alive.

“Lavi?” Lenalee was standing now. Lavi saw it in his peripheral vision.

“I escaped again, obviously,” he said faintly.

“What did you do, knock her out?”

Not hearing her, Lavi squeezed Yuu’s hand, but there was no response. The muscles remained relaxed and still. He looked at the monitor beside the bed and frowned. Bookman had taught him basic human biology--he didn’t have to be a doctor or anything to recognize low heart rate and low blood pressure. Not reassuring.

“It’s just like with you, you know?” Said Lenalee, coming up beside him. She spoke without much inflection. Just telling him so he knew. “No injuries, no drugs—yeah, I know, but the doctor had to check because they were so confused—no previous medical condition that anyone knew of. Just… sleep.”

“Lizzie said they noticed the blood loss in me,” said Lavi, trying to keep his brain from working.

“Yeah, that confused the hell out of them. Just blood on the snow and all over you. They’re running the DNA through their databases, but that’ll take weeks. They didn’t believe anything Lizzie told them—chocked it all up to a hallucination caused by the concussion.”

Lavi let out a hollow guffaw. “Won’t they be surprised when they get the blood back and it’s all mine.”

“Yeah,” said Lenalee. She wasn’t looking at him, but down at Yuu’s prone form.

“Not that anyone would believe the miraculous healing thing anyway,” Lavi remarked, tracing the black ink of Yuu’s tattoo, which now extended past his shoulder and all the way down his arm. So much bigger than it had been a few weeks ago.

Lenalee chuckled, but it was as mirthless as Lavi’s guffaw had been. “Definitely not.”

She sighed and put her head down on the side of the bed. Lavi laid his free hand on her back.

If his suspicions were right, he needed to get Yuu some help. Which meant he needed to be discharged. Fast.

—

_March 20th_

He was free. The paperwork was signed and he was discharged. Tiedoll was there. He’d apparently run back to the cabin to pick up a change of clothes for everyone when he’d disappeared yesterday.

It was a sober trip back to the cabin to pack their things, no one speaking. Lenalee’s lips pressed together in a thin line as she drove. At last, they arrived, the car crunching the snow beneath them as they pulled up the drive. It had snowed heavily while Lavi had been out, and all signs of their snowball fight and their late-night visitor had been utterly erased.

There were a few grunts as they hung up their coats and tucked away their boots in ground-level cubbies. Most came from Allen, who wore a compression boot around his ankle. It wasn’t broken, Lavi had learned with relief when he finally saw the boy that morning, but he had strained his peroneal tendons and torn some ligaments—only one of which was severe. He’d been “discouraged” from walking on it and had been presented with a hands-free crutch that looked like a cross between those weird knee scooters and a pegleg.

Together, they emptied the cabin of their belongings. Lenalee sighed longingly at the hot tub and sauna in a tiled area of the furnished basement.

“We didn’t get to use it even _once_ ,” she said as she gathered the things she’d left there and handed them to Lavi. He was the resident pack mule, it turned out.

Lavi himself had trouble turning away from the gently steaming water. How he would have liked to splash around in there with Yuu…

He winced at the thought and moved on.

After they’d gotten everything into the car, Lizzie made a run to the main lodge to return Lavi’s rented skis. He was the only one that didn’t own a pair. Allen had gone with her—not out of choice, but because Lenalee had (in her words) packed him away after he’d fallen over a fourth time, still unused to the crutch.

“Lenalee…” Lavi said as the two of them loafed on the couch. The TV was on, but though they both were looking directly at it, neither were paying it any attention.

“Yeah?” She didn’t move her glassy-eyed stare from the TV and spoke almost absently.

“I want to come back after we drop Lizzie off back on campus.”

“Me too,” she said. A pause. “I don’t think Tiedoll would stop us. Komui might throw a fit, but he can suck my dick.”

“...You don’t have a dick.”

“Of course I do, Lavi. Every girl has a dick.”

He blinked, and Lenalee sighed.

“It’s a _metaphorical_ dick, Lavi.”

“Right.” A beat. “Lenalee, can I borrow your phone? I want to check my email.”

“Sure thing,” she said, handing it to him. She turned her face back to the TV screen and went glassy-eyed again.

He launched her browser app and loaded up his email. Focusing on the small screen was a new trial altogether for his newly restored vision. Junk, junk, junk, Nigerian prince, junk, junk, dick enlargement, junk… wait. _From the office of Dr_ …

His chest giving a little thrill, he clicked on it.

_Thank you for your interest in the renowned doctor’s work. Unfortunately, Dr. Karma will be out of the office until April 1st. If you would like to place an order for more herbal remedies, please call the number below or order online._

He stopped breathing. No. This couldn’t wait until April. Yuu was in a coma _now_. His hands shook as he logged out and closed the browser.

“Thanks,” he said, proud that not a tremor made it into his voice. Lenalee didn’t even look at him as he handed her phone back.

He didn’t speak at all until they got back to campus that evening. Lizzie reached over and squeezed his hand a couple times in the car. Lavi just numbly sat, trying to keep from shaking. He couldn’t panic yet. Perhaps his fears were unfounded.

Lenalee dropped him and Lizzie off at their dorm room. They separated when they reached his door. Lavi raised a hand in a motionless wave as she continued to her room. She’d tried to say something to him, but when he hadn’t responded, she’d just patted his arm, grimacing in sympathy, and turned to go.

It took him four attempts to get the key into the lock. It kept rattling against the doorknob. Finally, he slammed the door open and got the luggage in. He was hardly breathing as he shut and locked the door. His hands couldn’t get a proper purchase on the drawer.

Yuu had locked the desk before they’d gone. Lavi let out a string of curses. He didn’t have the key. Taking out his lockpicking gear (one of the few good things he’d gotten out of being a Bookman), he tried that, but he was shaking so hard he kept dropping his picks.

Eyes stinging with tears, near to hyperventilating, he kicked at the drawer. When that didn’t work, he searched under Yuu’s blanket--there was a disturbing amount of shit stored underneath. There was even a small, flat set of drawers in which he kept various artists’ tools, including a tiny tin of loose graphite. Lavi couldn’t comprehend how Yuu could stand it.

“Fuck it,” he said finally, taking up the toolkit Yuu kept in his closet. He took out a screwdriver, but he couldn’t find any screws. Quickly discarding it, he pulled out the hammer. It would do.

He felt no remorse whatsoever as he slid beneath the desk and took the hammer to the flimsy underside of the drawer. Made of a thin, hardly substantial length of pine, it broke easily. Some of Yuu’s possessions fell to the floor, and Lavi pushed them away with a growl. He reached in, feeling the base of what had formerly been the bell jar, and pulled it out. And dropped it.

The dead petals skittered across the floor. One landed on Lavi’s chest. But he paid that no mind, as his eyes were drawn to the flower itself. Or what was left of it.

One petal.

Only one solitary petal remained.

One. Petal.

It quivered on the stem, already discolored and beginning to shrivel up. Almost ready to drop. Even the stem looked sickly, more like a dried up stick used for kindling than a living plant. Tears trickled freely from both of his eyes. . Nothing had ever been wrong with the tear duct of his mangled one. But it was still a strange experience to have blurriness in both of them.They dripped past his ear and to the floor. He couldn’t see; his breaths came too shallowly.

Yuu had once mentioned how he worried the death of the lotus would herald his own. Lavi had been skeptical, but with Yuu still in a coma, it seemed inevitable.

He moved slowly, carefully, from under the desk, pulling the sick lotus with him. The last little petal shook so hard Lavi was sure it would drop. For nearly a minute, he froze, breathless, waiting for it to happen. But it slowed, then stopped. Only for it to go at it full force again when he moved it again.

Finally, he was out from under the desk and had placed the lotus on its unmarred surface. Once he was certain the petal wouldn’t fall if he turned his back, he lunged for his phone. He flipped it open, nearly ripping the top off by accident, and dialed.

And redialed because his traitorous fingers kept missing the right buttons.

Panic was not going to help him now—it never did—but he could no longer find that place within him where he deposited his emotions. The phone began to ring. Now was not the time for fear.

The woman who answered was all business.

“You’ve reached Cloud Nine.”

Even in his panic, Lavi rolled his eyes. She was still answering like that?

“I need to call in a favor,” said Lavi. His voice didn’t shake, at least.

“I don’t do favors, darling. Everyone who deals with me knows that.”

“For me, you do. Or don’t you remember the Bookman who kept you from going to prison five years ago?” He hated having to do this, but she did promise and he had a very good memory. 

The woman paused, and he heard a pen tapping.

“I… didn’t think you would actually call me. Hadn’t heard from the Bookmen since. Though I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Didn’t think they usually went this route for information.” She shuffled something on her end.

“They don’t,” said Lavi. “I’m no longer working for them.” The other side of the line went silent. “Look, I really need this information, so I’m calling in the favor you owe me.”

“Wait—Deak, are you telling me you got away from the old man and lived?” Her leather chair squeaked as she moved. Probably sitting up straight. She was always itching for more information. Considering she was an information broker, though, he couldn’t blame her. Anything she could glean could mean a large paycheck. And the fact that he still lived after leaving the Bookmen would yield an enormous one. It was the risk of working outside of the Bookmen, one he had decided to take.

He didn’t think she’d sell that information, though. The Bookmen already knew he still lived, and anyway, she owed him. It had been much more than the life imprisonment and possible death sentence that he’d saved her from. He wondered what might have happened if he’d taken her up on her offer to get him away back then.

“Yeah, though that name’s dead now. Will you help me or not?”

“Sure, kid. Anything for another lost soul. What do you need?” Her voice was much softer now, gentler. A lot more like the woman he’d met.

“A phone number. The personal line for a Dr. Alma Karma, though he isn’t technically a doctor anymore. Based out of Beijing. I’ve got the website, but I need to talk to this guy as soon as possible. It’s really urgent. Someone’s life is on the line, and he has critical knowledge I need—knowledge even you couldn’t get me.”

“Okay… Alma Karma. Former doctor. Beijing. Website?”

He read it out to her in the NATO phonetic alphabet so she’d get it right the first time.

“He’s been convicted of aiding and abetting in Japan,” he added, giving her the details and spelling out a link to the article he’d found about it. “Do you have an online dropbox of some sort? I have prison records I can send too.”

He booted up his computer, and she told him where to go. He sent her all the information he’d gathered.

“Okay, gotcha,” Cloud said. “Let me scroll through these…” She hummed absentmindedly as she clicked through the documents. After a few minutes, she spoke again. “Should be able to find the guy pretty easy. No guarantees on when, but I’ll work on it right away for you. Let you know when I find something.”

“Thanks, Cloud.”

They said their good-byes and hung up. His shaking had diminished, though the tension still knotted his stomach. All he could do now was wait. 

—

_March 21st — The day before class comes back into session_

On their return journey to the hospital in Maine, Lavi remembered why they never let Lenalee drive. Now that a congressman’s daughter and an injured Allen had been removed from the equation, she flew down the highway at an illegal speed. Lavi didn’t even know SUVs could break one hundred.

As they raced back, Lavi told Lenalee about the state of the lotus. She’d known about it—along with his strange healing ability, the whole family knew Yuu had it, but Lenalee was the only one he’d confided in about the connection between the two.

“Shit,” she said tightly. That was all she said, but Lavi noticed the speedometer edging a little higher.

The car began to whine on the last leg of their journey. Lenalee ignored it. Lavi just clenched his teeth, adjusting his hold on the door handle even tighter.

Even with three stops to refill the tank, they made it back to the hospital in two-and-a-half hours. Each step through the parking lot felt a bit like putting his weight on a field of Jell-O. He tried not to think about why the car was spewing white steam from under the hood. Lenalee ignored that, too, and strode into the hospital so fast that Lavi actually had to jog a little to catch up.

When they got to the room, Tiedoll was pacing outside, wringing his hands. From inside, there was a good deal of beeping monitors.

“What’s going on?” Lavi tried to ask, but his throat was so dry that it wouldn’t make a sound. He cleared his throat and tried again.

“His heart’s stopped.”

Tiedoll abruptly got a lot taller.

“Lavi!” Called Lenalee. She bent over. She was awfully tall herself.

_Oh,_ Lavi realized, his brain catching up with him. _I’ve fallen down._

Tiedoll tried to help him up, but he was very firmly rooted. His legs wouldn’t take his weight, and he only slumped right back down onto his knees. There were no chairs in the hallway, so Tiedoll shrugged and went back to pacing.

His knees began to throb, a light, reassuring feeling. The pain began to sharpen, overwhelm everything, but Lavi had found that Bookman-trained reservoir within him, and he stored it there. He could ignore it.

What followed were the worst minutes of his life. Lenalee wrapped her arms around him. She was crying. His shirt was wet at the shoulder with her tears. The beeping inside the room continued, followed by the high whine of the defibrillator charging, then the _thunk_ of it shocking Yuu.

He didn’t know how long he sat there. It only passed in Tiedoll’s steps. Lavi counted them. He was up to 241 when the sounds in Yuu’s room lulled.

They must have called it.

A doctor emerged. Tiedoll was next to him in a heartbeat.

A literal heartbeat. The monitor inside was beeping at a regular pace.

“We were able to resuscitate him,” he said. Tiedoll took both of his hands in his own and sobbed his thanks.

Two nurses Lavi didn’t recognize wheeled a prone Yuu out of the room on a gurney.

“Where are you taking him?” Asked Lenalee.

“We are bringing him to the ICU for monitoring,” said another doctor, coming up to the doorway. It was the woman who had treated Lavi before his discharge.

—

An hour later, they sat in the visitor’s lounge just outside the ICU. Lavi clutched the backpack with the lotus to his chest. His knees still ached. Already, large purple bruises had begun to stain them.

They hadn’t been allowed to stay with Yuu at all since he’d been brought to the ICU, so Lenalee had grabbed both him and Tiedoll by the arm and taken them to get coffee from the cafe across the street. Lavi had gotten hot chocolate, but each time he took a sip, nausea roiled at his stomach and he had to set the paper cup down. The drink had long since cooled, but he couldn’t bring himself to toss it.

His phone began to ring, shrill against the silence in the room. Lavi almost upset his cup from the arm of his plush chair as he reached for it. He flipped it open.

“Hello?”

“Deak, it’s Cloud.”

The second he heard the voice, he stood, grabbing his cold hot chocolate to finally toss, and walked out of earshot.

“I go by Lavi now,” he said.

“Lavi, then. I’ve got the number for you.”

“Just a sec—let me get a pen and paper.” He fumbled in his back pocket.

“You’re a Bookman; you don’t need one.”

“I suffered a head injury lately. Indulge me.” Actually, he just really didn’t want to fuck this up. He hadn’t noticed any effects from the concussion yet, but it was Yuu’s life on the balance. No mistake could be made.

“Oh no—are you alright?”

“I’m fine. You said you had the number?”

She gave it to him. He repeated it back twice.

“Thank you, Cloud,” he said.

“No problem, kid. Just hope this is worth it. Most people would kill to have a favor from me, and you just used it to get a cell number?”

“It could save a life.”

“Alright, kid. Stay safe. I know how Bookmen are. I hope you know how you’re going to get away from them.” She must have heard he’d only left recently. Given her network, he wasn’t surprised.

“I’m working on it.”

Cloud laughed. Lavi looked over to Tiedoll and Lenalee, but nothing had changed.

“You can call me anytime. Let me know if you do manage to save yourself. It’ll… be good to know.”

She hung up then, and Lavi looked at his phone. She had survived so much. It was funny, he thought, that the people who suffered the most in the world usually seemed the most decent. Even if they did their best not to appear that way.

As soon as the calling screen dropped, he dialed, consulting the number he’d written only after he’d hit the Call button and it began to ring. He’d entered it perfectly, of course. He cringed a little, though, thinking about the price of the international call. The phone had been a gift from Tiedoll for Christmas. It had been in his stocking because Tiedoll considered it “no big deal” to get him a “cheap flip-phone” that was attached to his plan. Like it hadn’t been one of the kindest gifts he’d received. Hopefully, Tiedoll would forgive him for the outrageous bill. He’d work it off if he had to.

The phone rang and rang and rang. After nearly a minute, it went to voicemail. He called twice more, but no one answered. On his fourth attempt, someone picked up after a few rings.

“Hello?” A very tired voice answered in Chinese.

“Dr. Karma?” Lavi said in Chinese, his heart flipping.

“This is Karma. Who is this and why are you calling so early?”

Lavi nearly cursed out loud. He hadn’t given any thought to the time difference. Sloppy.

“My name is Lavi. I’m sorry for calling so early, but I need your help. It’s urgent.”

“How did you get this number?” He sounded more than a little annoyed.

“Please, I need your help. It’s about my friend, Yuu.” He proceeded with a quick summary: Yuu, the lotus, the last petal wilting, the coma, the brush with death only an hour ago.

There was a long pause. Lavi would have thought Dr. Karma had hung up on him, only he heard the man’s breathing.

“Please, he’s dying, and I don’t know what to do,” Lavi said. There was a good deal of rustling on the other end.

“How did you get this number?” The man asked again, though this time, he sounded more bewildered than angry.

“I have connections. Please, you saved him once before.” His voice broke as he spoke, his throat too tight to make the right sounds.

“If you know about me, then you know it got my license revoked and I had to leave Japan in order to be able to find a job.”

“So you’re going to let him die?” His voice rose to a shout. Lenalee and Tiedoll’s heads snapped up, and they stared at him. Other people in the room scowled.

More shuffling on the other end. “Look, I can’t go back to Japan.”

_Yeah,_ thought Lavi. _Maybe if you hadn’t been helping out a sex trafficking ring, you wouldn’t be in this situation_.

Alma continued, “It would… not be a good idea. So you’ll just—”

“We’re not in Japan,” said Lavi. “Listen, I’ll reimburse the ticket. I just need to know if you’re willing to help.”

There was a long, drawn out sigh, more shuffling, the creaking of bedsprings, and then another sigh. 

“Fine. Tell me where you are and I’ll be there.” 

Lavi felt like his chest was going to explode with relief. He gave the man the name of the hospital and the nearest airport. After it was all sorted, he hung up and returned to sit with Lenalee and Tiedoll.

“I didn’t know you spoke Chinese,” Tiedoll said.

“Yeah,” said Lavi.

Lenalee’s eyes, however, were very round. She’d understood every word he’d shouted. He nodded very slightly at her, and she nodded back, taking his hand.

They sat in silence, tense and waiting. But there was hope. Lavi just hoped it wouldn’t arrive too late.

—

The hours began to blur together. Even after they’d gotten Yuu fully stabilized and allowed visitors in, the endless stream of doctors and nurses checking and rechecking the unchanging set an irregular schedule. The sky darkened. They were kicked out of the room. The ICU had set visiting hours, one of the nurses told them apologetically. The morning dawned, and they returned. The sun rose to the steady symphony of heart monitors, of the whir of machinery, the footsteps of doctors and nurses doing their rounds, the miscellaneous sounds of the ward at work.

Around noon, Lenalee went for a walk. Lavi didn’t blame her. The feel of the ICU was much more desperate, more tense. They didn’t talk much, except when the doctors said there was no update. Each time they came in, his heart would leap, though, hoping for them to announce they’d made a discovery about Yuu’s condition. Each time they came back with no news, his heart would sink.

Lavi held Yuu’s hand and tried not to cry. The doctors had not noticed the slow growth of Yuu’s tattoo. Lavi, who had stared at it on and off all morning, had seen the slow progress. It had only gone a quarter of an inch, but each time he’d noticed a change, he clenched his jaw against the abrupt stab of fear through his whole torso. All he could do was wait, like he was tied to his chair balanced precariously on the edge of some fathomless chasm, like at any moment he would fall over the edge.

The worst part of it was the uselessness. He couldn’t do a damn thing to help. He’d tried talking to Yuu, but that didn’t help anything and only made him feel exposed and stupid and so goddamn _useless_. The doctors told him it might help, but there was no response, even on the scans that the doctors took. So he held Yuu’s hand like it was an anchor.

He didn’t even notice when someone new came into the room. The doctors and nurses and various specialists had become so ubiquitous at this point that he’d stopped trying to keep track of them.

“Do I have the right room?” The newcomer said, and Lavi snapped up from his slouch over Yuu’s bed.

He was a lot younger than Lavi expected. He’d assumed that the doctor would have been well past middle aged, considering he’d been in his late fifties when he’d been arrested. Probably gray-haired and balding, wrinkles well set into his face. But that was pretty much the opposite of what he got. In fact, if Lavi hadn’t read the prison files and known his actual age, he would have thought the man was still in his thirties. His short, black hair didn’t have a speck of gray, and his skin was completely unwrinkled. Even the air about him, from the straightness of his spine to his limber movements, was entirely youthful.

“Doctor Karma?” Lavi asked, a broad grin splitting his face.

“Call me Alma,” he said, bowing. Lavi bowed in kind and watched as the doctor approached Yuu, who lay eerily still in his hospital bed.

“This is the boy, then?” He asked.

“Yes, that’s Yuu.”

Alma frowned as he took the charts from the base of the bed. He hummed lowly, his frown deepening. Then he strode over to Yuu’s left side and pulled aside the thin cotton gown. Slowly, he lifted Yuu’s arm, turning it so the light hit it at different angles. When he’d finished, he laid Yuu’s arm down again and bent over his chest, following the pattern all the way down to his hipbone, where it tapered off.

“Can we turn him onto his side? I need to see his back.”

Lavi did so with Alma’s aid—Yuu was incredibly heavy and full of cords and tubes, so it took some effort. At last, he tucked Yuu back into place while Alma stared at the monitors and charts again.

Then it was quiet. Lavi wanted to say something, to ask questions, but Alma stood contemplatively at the foot of Yuu’s bed, occasionally checking the charts as he verified some information. For ten minutes, they remained in silence. Each second, Lavi’s skin prickled, his stomach long since a roiling mess.

Finally, Alma spoke. “I never expected it to progress this fast. Do you have the flower with you?” 

Lavi nodded and reached into his backpack, retrieving the remnants of the bell jar and the ziplock bag in which he’d stored the dead petals. Some of the dead petals had crumbled into confetti at the bottom. It took immense effort not to inhale sharply.

Alma clicked his tongue as he took both and set them at the foot of the bed. While Lavi watched, he set his briefcase upon the couch. From it, he took a mason jar, which he carried over to the bed as well. It contained a thin layer of mud coating the bottom and was more than halfway filled with a clear liquid Lavi assumed was water. Then, slowly, Alma opened the baggie, carefully pouring the dead petals and the sad crumbly bits into his hand. On top of that, he added the last delicate piece of the lotus, which he plucked from the base of the bell jar with steady hands.

One by one, he placed the petals into the jar, pausing to examine which to use next between each one. They floated on top of the water, but as more were added, a few began to sink. After the petals came a trickle of petal crumbs and then the stem with its final dying petal quivering. He swirled the bottle three times clockwise, then in the opposite direction, giving a grunt of approval as he set it down on the low end table abutting Yuu’s bed.

It was then that Dr. Karma focused his attention back on Lavi.

“I’m going to have to draw it from him. It is very possible, what with how reliant he has been on it, that he could react poorly.”

“He’ll die without it, though, won’t he?” Lavi said. His throat was so dry.

Dr. Karma gave a sharp nod.

Lavi thought for a second of calling a doctor or nurse, but they would probably interfere. The consequences would be bad for him and worse yet for Dr. Karma and Yuu. So he nodded.

“Better the chance for a future than none at all,” he said, but it came out as a half-audible croak.

Thankfully, Alma seemed to get the message. He turned back to Yuu and pulled back the hospital gown to expose the entirety of Yuu’s torso, which was covered with various tubes and electrodes. Lavi braced himself against the bed, taking Yuu’s hand in his. It was cold to the touch.

He watched as Alma walked over to the sink and washed his hands. He scrubbed for at least a minute before drying them and covering his right with a glove. Returning to Yuu’s side, he took out a knife, sanitized it with an alcohol wipe he produced from nowhere. Not exactly foolproof or compliant to the hospital’s regulations, but it would have to do. Lavi wondered where Alma would make the incision, but the doctor surprised him by bringing the small blade up to his hand instead. He drew it across his own palm. The blood began to well slowly, but once it finally started to, it began in earnest. Alma held his hand palm up, accumulating blood, then brought it down, flipping it at the last second, onto the center of Yuu’s tattoo.

At first, nothing happened. The monitors continued to beep as before. Only the bloody handprint seemed to move, looking like it was melting as the droplets began to stray downward. Alma muttered something under his breath, a language Lavi could not comprehend. His eyebrows knitted together, he grunted, and—

Yuu jolted, his muscles spasming like he’d just been shocked with a defibrillator again.

In an instant, the monitors were blaring alarms.

“Barricade the door, Lavi,” Alma said, sounding almost thoughtful. Lavi instantly complied. As he ran to shove a chair under the door handle—why didn’t the room _lock_ —he heard Alma speak again.

“Come on!” He growled. “Don’t you dare fight me on this!”

Yuu gasped awake. Lavi turned back to see him struggling against Alma’s hand on his chest, groaning.

“Hold him in place!” Alma snapped.

Lavi ran back to his side and grabbed Yuu by the biceps, pushing down, down, down against his thrashing.

“Yuu, it’s me! Calm down!” He shouted over and over, but the boy seemed mad. Yuu’s hand, the one closest to Lavi, clutched at the bed, and he kept clenching and unclenching his muscles. Dimly, Lavi heard pounding at the door. Doctors and nurses and even two security guards were just outside, looking in through the glass. Lavi looked away.

As abruptly as he had begun to move, Yuu went limp. His eyes rolled back into his head, revealing only an eerie white strip of sclera between his eyelids. Lavi shook his head and continued to hold Yuu down, just in case.

The rapid blips beneath the blaring of the alarm ran together until they were one solitary monotone. Lavi glanced at the monitor’s screen. He didn’t need to know how to read the image (which he did know, incidentally) to understand that Yuu had flatlined. He began to shake. This couldn’t be it. His stomach was ice, his chest feeling as still as Yuu’s.

Dr. Karma moved in a flash, almost too fast to track, the jar suddenly in his hand. Without any hesitation, he slammed it down, overturned, directly over the center of the tattoo. Lavi flinched, expecting water and mud and lotus detritus to go everywhere. But they didn’t. To his amazement, a black, inky substance began to spurt into the jar in a steady stream. On Yuu’s skin, the tattoo began to slither its tendrils back toward the ohm, like watching raindrops chart a course down a car window but in reverse.

The door slammed open, admitting five security guards, followed by a veritable stream of doctors and nurses.

Alma lifted the jar from Yuu’s chest. The black substance within filled it to the brim, but it seemed completely solid, as even upside down, it stayed within the jar. He righted it and screwed on a lid, then placed it on the end table.

The security guards hauled them both into the hallway as the doctors assessed Yuu’s condition, already beginning CPR as a nurse charged up the defibrillator on the room’s crash cart.

But there was no need for it. Just as a doctor ordered the others to clear the body, the heart monitor returned to a rhythm. They stared at it. Even the security guards stopped and turned to gawk. What began as a slow, tentative beat accelerated into a strong pace only a bit elevated from normal.

The doctor replaced the paddles in the crash cart, slack-jawed.

“Blood pressure rising, blood oxygen normal…” one of the nurses said faintly. A beat, then, “Blood pressure normal and holding.”

“What did you do in here?” Asked the doctor, turning to look at them through the window. The security guards escorted them back into the room.

The gray-haired doctor who had been handling Yuu’s case looked between the two of them.

“Old herbal remedy,” said Alma in the thickest, most outrageously racist Chinese accent Lavi had ever heard. “Good for blood.”

The doctor looked a little bit like he wanted to punch Alma, but he bit back whatever he’d wanted to say and just nodded curtly. He ordered a multitude of tests, then sighed to himself.

“Strangest thing I’ve seen in a long time,” he said as he walked out of the room, shaking his head. “Comatose patient goes into cardiac arrest and revives on his own with normal vitals.”

The security guards left with him, apparently forgetting the whole blocking-door-with-chair thing, which was awfully convenient of them.

With the room now quiet and empty, Lavi turned to Alma. “Old herbal remedy?” He asked, incredulous.

“He was white.”

Lavi nodded, still bemused. It had somehow kept them out of trouble, so there was no use complaining.

Alma stared down at his hand, a vague frown twisting his lips downward. Lavi blinked. The hand, which had had a long gouge down it, was now pristine, completely unblemished, save for the blood that still coated it. He flexed it a few times and then went over the sink to wash it.

Lavi collapsed onto the couch by the window. He felt so tired, like all his energy been drained from him as efficiently as the tattoo had been from Yuu. With a sigh, he plopped his head back onto the cushion and shut his eyes.

There was silence between them for a long time until Alma sighed. “It’s the same as back then.”

Lavi opened his eyes and looked over at the doctor, who gazed solemnly at Yuu’s sleeping body.

“What do you mean?”

“Willing to risk his death to ease my own conscience. I knew what might happen if I gave him the lotus.”

“Then why the hell were you helping underage sex traffickers?” Lavi asked, surprised by how scathing his tone came out.

“You mean, did I benefit from it?” Said Alma. He sighed, and it was the sigh of an old man recounting his regrets in his last days. “In a way, I did, though not in the disgusting manner you’re thinking. I’ve never touched a child.”

“Just helped those who did.”

“And I have since paid for that crime. But I did it because they were blackmailing me. I’d made some… unethical choices in my research, and it would have meant my license, amongst other things. Still, I was far from the only doctor who treated the children.”

Lavi scoffed in a very Yuu-like manner. It had that right mix of disbelief and disdain.

“When I found a child dying of injuries no one should ever suffer, I knew what he would be facing if he returned. There are deaths worse than that of the flesh—deaths of the soul, of the spirit. I knew I couldn’t prevent the latter, but I did what I did to protect the flesh, to keep at least one of them alive, whether or not he wanted to be.”

“You did that,” said Lavi. “He’s told me about some of the ways he’s tried to kill himself over the years.”

“Did you know,” said Alma wearily, “that almost every single child that was rescued is dead? Nearly all of them committed suicide. This one is the only one not institutionalized or turned to crime. Some are in prison now for perpetrating the same crimes inflicted against them.”

“Yuu isn’t like that, but not because of your help.” He thought of Tiedoll, of Marie and Daisya, Lenalee, Komui, Allen…. He thought of himself.

“But he _is_ alive.”

“Yes.”

“It seems incredibly selfish now, not giving him that choice,” said Alma, looking again to Yuu’s prone form.

It took Lavi a few minutes to mull that over before he said anything.

“I think if you had talked to him a few months ago, he’d probably say it was. Selfish, I mean. But now? I don’t know. I know _I_ don’t think so. His life’s been hard for sure, but he’s done so much for me that I like to think that he’s happy to still be alive. He’s saved my life more times than I could easily count since I met him. If you stick around, maybe when he wakes up, you can ask him.” 

Alma hummed a little at that, “Yeah, maybe I will.” 

—

The woman sang to him, a lullaby about animals in the forest. She ran soft fingers through his hair, gently working at the tangles. He wanted to tell her to stop—his hair was bloody—but it soothed him into a gentle trance.

“Oh, sweet one,” she said when she’d finished the song. “You are so terribly filthy.”

He shrugged. That was what happened when you fought with people. Mist came up around him, enveloping his form, separating him momentarily from the woman. He couldn’t feel her.

Running both bruised, bloodied hands over his body, he tried to take stock of his injuries.

There was the split skin at his clavicle, the bruising still tender around his neck. Those had been from early in the fight. His tongue played idly with his loose teeth before he schooled himself. They’d fall out if he messed with them.

Jason had been at the edge of the clearing. He’d reached into his pocket and brought a knife. Not weighted for throwing but still deadly. He’d gone directly for Lavi the second Yuu’s flashlight had illuminated him. Heart in his throat, Yuu had screamed—a warning, a threat, an expression of unfathomable fear.

He hadn’t been able to stop it, hadn’t been able to—

“Hush now, sweet one,” said the woman, and her presence surrounded him once more, like warm bath water. His shaking calmed, ceased. The woman caressed his face. He winced, knowing he was bruised from a blow to his cheekbone, from the punch to the mouth, from when Jason had boxed his ears—but there was no pain, only warmth.

“Who _are_ you?” He asked, but his voice made no sound.

She smiled and shook her head slowly, an indulgent mother to her precocious child.

“You have strained even my ability this time, sweet one. I am afraid I can’t hold two at once.”

She looked at a spot right next to him. Yuu followed her gaze. There was Lavi, close enough to touch. His eyes were closed, a petal resting on top of each. He was wrapped in the same fog that held Yuu, a light pink swirling energy that Yuu’s eyes could not quite focus on.

“Was it not your intent for him to be healed?” The woman asked.

“Yes,” said Yuu. “Please, heal him. Let him live.”

At his words, still silent to him, the pink mist eddied, releasing a wide tendril that slowly arced over Lavi until he was buried deep within it.

He yelled. He tried to reach for him, but his limbs would not move at his command.

“Relax, sweet one. He will heal. I am nearly done. Once it is complete, I will deposit him back into his own place. You formed a connection of blood, and I can follow that back to where he is.”

“You promise?” He asked, hating how pathetic, how _helpless_ , he sounded. Like a small child.

She chuckled. Her fingers came back to brush through his hair. He drifted.

His mind instantly went back to the fight. That sickening moment when he realized, halfway there, that he’d be too late. How he’d pushed his legs harder than ever before in his life. And then that sickening _crunch_ as Lavi hit the tree, the _oomph!_ Jason let out and the tiny gasp that had come from Lavi not even a second later. _His_ Lavi.

He had changed the angle of his approach so he could get at Jason from the sid. Reaching up, he’d hooked an arm around Jason and did his best to clothes-line him. Jason had switched his attention over to Yuu, and Yuu had aimed himself into a backward retreat as the boy began to engage him, moving the fight far from the target. Jason had fallen for it, aiming kick and punch and even random flailing of limb at him. That was when he’d gotten the bruise on his upper arm (from blocking).

When he’d judged himself to be at least halfway across the clearing, Yuu had begun to fight back. He went in immediately with a roundhouse kick he’d perfected during his angry teenage years. Jason had dodged and slid past Yuu’s guard. Lizzie shrieked, and a moment later, Yuu roared as his clavicle erupted in the sharp pain that had surely been meant for his heart.

Jason retreated a step back, but Yuu caught him with a swipe of his foot. Jason fell to the ground, and Yuu, idiot he was, had hesitated. For a moment, he saw Jason, the college kid, his sometimes-sparring partner during fencing. They’d been friends. They’d laughed together, made fun of the douchebag team members together, sat together on bus rides.

Jason took advantage of his momentary weakness and slammed into his legs. He fell, and Jason had been on top of him immediately, hands reaching to the collar of his coat, under the scarf. His cold fingers had tightened at last around his throat.

For a brief second, Yuu had panicked, thrashing and scrabbling ineffectively at Jason’s forearms. Then, with a mental slap, he calmed himself, going limp before crossing his arms in between Jason’s. He smacked forearm against forearm, and Jason grunted as his grip failed. Yuu dragged in a breath, his throat raw and aching with the sharp air. It felt a bit like he imagined a sword to the gullet would.

As abruptly as he had drifted away, he returned to himself. Jason’s face morphed—a little disturbingly—into the woman’s. Her expression was serene, and she hummed to him once more.

“The ordeal is over, sweet one. Do not dwell upon it.”

How could he not, though?

“Lavi—” he began. As before, his speech was silent.

“Your beloved is fine. I have returned to him his able body, though that bad eye was a tough nut to crack, let me tell you.”

“You… you healed his eye?”

“Of course, sweet one. You were the one who wanted him healed, weren’t you?”

“I didn’t think… such an old injury…”

She only laughed, shaking her head again. The mist hid her beautiful yet indescribable face from his. He seeped into it, almost like Lavi had before him, but he still felt her arms cradling him as if he were the size of an infant.

“You should worry about yourself now, sweet one. I am diminished.”

“I know,” said Yuu. He’d known it for weeks now.

“But I am not done yet.”

Her song twisted around him, permeating his mind until he was the music. It was a sad song. It sagged his muscles, made every bone seem limp. He felt a pressure in his hand. It was warmer even than the woman’s, but he knew it wasn’t hers.

Beneath the music, he heard voices. Tiedoll and Lenalee. He couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but their voices rose and fell with the woman’s song, with the drum beating at the rate of his sluggish heart.

It wasn’t like it had raced while he’d fought Jason. The boy had lunged at him again once he’d broken free from those freezing, choking hands. The knife flared against the flashlight, and amazingly, as Yuu blocked, yelling, the knife cut right into it, sending it spinning into the air and away. He cursed loudly in Japanese, blinking in the sudden darkness. Only Jason’s movement, the sounds of his passage, gave Yuu an idea of where he’d been. And they’d fought. With hands and feet and teeth, they fought.

He needed to end the fight soon, he had realized as he staggered to his feet. Stomach wounds like Lavi’s were never something to mess around with—he needed immediate medical attention. Jason had come at him again, but Yuu dodged, punching him as Jason staggered to a halt. He got him right below his floating rib and heard a satisfying _crunch_ as, even with the padding of Jason’s winter coat, it broke. Jason howled in pain, swiveling to catch Yuu, but Yuu was already retreating, searching for the knife. He scrabbled at the ground, dusting away the snow on all fours. Everything was all churned up with their activity. He almost collided with Lizzie, who screamed as he approached. Lavi was there, he realized, seeing another form next to her. He was still alive.

Yuu changed course. Over at this side of the clearing, an unbroken layer of ice still shielded the snow from disruption. Not for long, though.

He toppled into the ground as something struck him in the back. He hadn’t gotten Jason as badly as he’d thought.

In the darkness before him, the woman’s face appeared. No, he couldn’t hallucinate now. Not when Lavi’s life depended on him. He shook his head and cried out as he got his feet beneath him. It must have been the adrenaline coursing through him like white-hot currents of electricity, but he heaved himself to his feet, bucking Jason off his back in the process. The boy gasped ineffectively, probably winded.

Yuu hadn’t given him a second thought as he resumed his search. Why was everything always so hard to find in the snow? Once, a winter or two after he’d come to live with Tiedoll, he’d thrown one of his razors into the snow in the backyard. In the end, he’d been unable to find it and had worried it would lodge in someone’s boot until the spring melt had finally revealed a shiny blade caked over with mud and grass about an inch deep into the ground. It was the same case here. Only it was dark and three lives depended on him finding him.

But Jason was still down, panting on his back. A bright light began to shine a bit to the left of where he’d mentally placed and Lavi. He turned his head at once, blinking rapidly, so it wouldn’t ruin his tenuous night vision.

Miracle of all miracles, that little light illuminated just enough that the ground was no longer so dark. Bless snow and ice for being such excellent reflectors. He caught sight of a dark patch in the ground and hurried to it. It was the flashlight—now dead—and the knife. He grabbed the handle with clumsy, numb fingers. Was it the cold or the adrenaline that made them shake so badly? Putting his boot over the end of the small flashlight, he yanked the knife from the plastic. He didn’t want to think about what coated it, just stabbed it in and out of the fresh snow at his side to remove whatever had been there. Then he turned, a hand raised to block the light, and stalked up to Jason.

Jason was not cowering. He’d regained his breath while Yuu had been working, and though one of his hands pressed against his side, he stood mostly upright, ready for combat.

He’d never been a match for Yuu. Not really. Not when Yuu had let himself train without restraint. With two quick steps, he closed on Jason, cutting through the coat. Jason punched him in the gut, but he grunted. The punch had been cushioned too much by Yuu’s own coat. Not that it didn’t force Yuu into a stumble. Still, he felt no pain as he cut by Jason’s defenses. Literally—the knife reverberated up the handle and into his palm as Jason’s block allowed the knife to slice all the way up his arm. He raised his other hand from his rib, almost in the way he would have brought his sword in to parry, but Yuu knocked it aside. With a further thrust, the blade broke skin and plunged deep into Jason’s gut. He twisted the blade, yanking it hard up and out. Jason screamed, the high-pitched wail of an animal knowing its death had come. The stench of blood-soaked shit permeated the area. He began to gurgle. Blood flecked out from his mouth as a cough ravaged his body.

Carrying the dripping blade with him, Yuu turned his back on Jason and returned to Lavi.

Lizzie huddled over him, speaking in a low voice as he whimpered. Yuu caught the last of it: “...police will be here soon. I promise.”

And then Lavi smiled, tired, relieved, a hint of triumph in his eye—and it was so bright that Yuu felt his bloodied face crack into its own smile.

“Lavi,” he breathed, and fell to his knees next to him.

The boy’s eye went in and out of focus, but given the amount of blood that he’d lost, Yuu wasn’t surprised. His breath hitched as he caught sight of the stomach wound. It was bad, and blood leaked over Lizzie’s hands and into the snow as if she weren’t there at all.

“What… Jason?” Asked Lavi, locking on to Yuu’s face.

“He’s gone,” he said. Lavi’s gaze lost focus. Soon, he was blinking, lids heavier each time they lifted.

Yuu brought a hand to Lavi’s cheek, brushed his thumb along the bone. He was so cold to the touch. Yuu tried not to think about that. Already, sirens screeched in the distance. They’d reach the forest soon.

Lavi’s eye stopped opening. Yuu adjusted his eyepatch, which had come askew.

“Come on, Lavi, you can do it. Just a little longer,” he said. His eyes burned. Slowly, trying not to disturb the shallow breaths that mercifully continued, he brought his hand from Lavi’s face to his hair, stroking lightly. Lavi’s eye fluttered open. The hint of a smile graced his blood-smeared face as he passed out.

Panic bit into Yuu’s stomach.

“Lavi, just hang on. Stay awake. You have to stay awake.” His voice was hoarse, desperate. He shook him, carefully, but Lavi’s eye did not move again. His breathing faded a whisper of air. Far, far away, dogs bayed, cops yelled.

No. Lavi _had_ to live. His life meant nothing if he could not protect the one person he had come to love more than all others, the one person who had finally pushed him into accepting his own conflicting emotions. Lavi had reminded him of his own humanity, and he’d be damned if he let him go without a fight.

The mysterious woman appeared, a ghostly form above Lavi’s, combing her fingers lightly through his hair. She smiled at him, beckoned. To his shock, Lavi stirred, just a touch, a brief smile-turned-grimace flickering across his face. Yuu looked at her, wanting to say something, but his voice stuck in his throat. She pressed a finger to her lips, shook her head, smiling. After a moment, she let her hand drift back to her lap. In a voice that seemed to echo throughout the clearing, she said, “You know what to do, but you must do it now.” Her eyes lowered to the bleeding boy beneath her, and for once, Yuu understood what she meant. He still held the knife, though it was in his off hand by Lavi’s shoulder.

Fumbling with unresponsive fingers, he ran the blade over his coat, not caring that it sliced right through the outer nylon layer and into the quilted inner padding. It was clean enough. Besides, any blood disease Jason might carry would be eradicated within moments of entering his body. He glanced at Lizzie. She was looking down at his stomach, still pressing with all her might. Now was the moment.

The woman faded from his sight, the shadow of a possibility. He closed his eyes. _Please,_ he begged the heavens. _Please, just let it work._

Not even thinking about it, he ran the knife over the center of his palm. It burned with pain, but in an idle, back-of-the-mind way. Immediately, the blood began flowing. He lowered it, hoping Lizzie wouldn’t notice in the dim light.

“Lizzie,” he said then. She looked up at him, straightening abruptly as if startled out of a daze. “Tell Lavi I love him.”

With that, he leaned over Lavi’s prone form and clamped his bleeding hand over his mouth. Blood trickled into Lavi’s mouth. Yuu saw his throat work as he swallowed. _Heal him_ , he willed the lotus. He pressed his other hand to his chest, just over the tattoo. _Heal him_ , he told it. The blood stopped flowing from his palm, so he leaned down and kissed Lavi. His lips felt frigid enough to capture Yuu’s in place, like a tongue on an icy pole. But his breath and Lavi’s minimal exhalations warmed the spot between him. He felt the other boy jerk—more a twitch than anything—and his world spun. He sat up, hoping that would help, but it only turned his surroundings to vague, rounded shapes.

He blinked, but Lavi’s chest rose to meet his face. He could barely breathe. His chest was on fire, burning along the lines of his tattoo. If he had had the energy, he would have screamed.

And then the woman filled his vision, her enigmatic, inexplicable face drawing him in. He smelled lotuses. They filled his lungs until the sweetness turned cloying. Lotus petals blossomed around him. The perfume ate at his thoughts until his panic faded.

Her presence still folded around him, even now, when his thoughts had retraced the fight yet again. This was what, the eighth time? The ninth?

She pulled him from his thoughts again.

“Sweet one, I cannot hold you much longer.”

“Will I die?” He asked her. Her arms tightened around him, an ethereal bear hug.

“I cannot hold you,” she responded.

He crashed down, falling through layer after layer of pink cloud, until he was within himself. His heart thudded, crashing against his ribcage as he took labored breaths—and then it couldn’t move anymore, and he fell into somewhere deep inside him. Deeper than an ocean trench.

Something raged through his chest. Something beat upon him, then that awful current again. Air jolted into his lungs, leaving again. It repeated over and over until he screamed, still soundlessly, begging for it to end. He thought he’d known pain before, but his heart was heavy and still in his chest, and each time that awful punching hit his chest, he thought he could no longer bear it.

But bear it he did. His heart lurched the way he imagined a horse at the gate might when the gunshot went, and then it galloped onward. His throat was liquid fire as air once again filled his lungs properly.

Abruptly, the mist swirled around him again.

“It seems the rest has given me some strength,” said the woman, and she cradled him in her unfathomably huge arms. He curled into her, weeping.

“I know, sweet one,” she said, and she let him drift.

This time, he thought only of Lavi, of that smiling face as he ached to see it once more. He swirled in the ocean of lotus haze, swam in a pool of emerald green the exact shade of Lavi’s eye. For a while, he thought he could hear the boy, but each time the voice permeated the fog, it cut off, cursing.

“Lavi!” He shouted. “Lavi! Lavi! I’m here!”

He screamed it until he was hoarse, until he had no other words but his boyfriend’s name. It became a prayer, a mantra, a goal.

“He has come back for me,” the woman said.

“Who has?” He asked. This time, his voice made the tiniest of sounds, discordant against the peace of this place, this nowhere. The mist parted around him, revealing a green meadow. The faint smell of lotuses faded away into the sharp scent of fresh grass.

The world shook around him, and his chest began to ache fiercely. Again, liquid fire ran through him, but this time it seared down the length of his left arm, down his torso to his left hip. He screamed, but again, the noise was a great, gaping absence in this place.

His knees hit the ground and sunk deeply into mud he hadn’t noticed until that moment.

“Goodbye, Yuu. Tell him I said hello.” She waved at him as he struggled against the mud. Each time he moved, the mud pulled him deeper and deeper. The fire of his upper left side engulfed him. He felt his head go under the mud and lost the blue sky above to absolute darkness.

For a moment, voices surrounded him. There was a loud crash as the mud pulled him down, down, down where he couldn’t breathe, where his heart felt leaden. The pain in his torso and arm intensified until they burned like hot wires implanted in his skin. The worst of it was centered at the ohm just over his heart.

The mud weighed on him, heavy. But it wasn’t mud, he realized. It was his _body_. Sounds, like static, clawed at his ears, and he couldn’t make anything out of the jumble. Footsteps, yelling, the high-pitched tone of some awful machine.

And then his heart moved, and the heaviness left him with each beat. His lungs filled. They _ached_ , as if he’d overused them, or maybe not used them in a long while. The taste of industrial-strength cleaners seared his throat. He wanted to open his eyes and see who was talking—there were multiple voices; he could tell them apart now—but it took effort just to think. Still, he tried.

With Herculean effort, he managed to crack open his lids.

He flinched at the light coming in through the windows and, groaning, lifted his left hand to cover his face. His eyes slammed shut, the lids red.

The voices stopped. He could practically hear heads turning his way. Then the room exploded with noise. Something scratched, and the red of his lids faded away. At the same time, someone rushed from the room and out of earshot, but someone else approached him and laid a cool hand on his right arm.

This time when he opened his eyes, he made out a blurry Tiedoll. He was far too close, but he didn’t have the energy to push him away. Gradually, his eyes stopped tearing up and began to focus.

A doctor walked into the room and circled the bed to approach him on his Tiedoll-free left side. He was past middle age but not quite to retirement, if Yuu was any judge. His hair, though it contained some steel, had mostly faded to a light gray-white. He shone a light in Yuu’s eyes, and his whole body seemed to protest, shying away from it. The doctor chuckled, taking his face gently in his hands. He flashed the light over both eyes until Yuu was gritting his teeth against the notion of punching the guy out.

The doctor then pulled out his stethoscope and listened to him breath. After that, he hammered at Yuu’s joints. He handed a nurse some paperwork detailing his orders and nodded approvingly.

Taking a step back, he said, “We’ll run a few more tests, but your reflexes are strong. You’re not out of the woods yet, but we see your awakening as a promising sign.”

He left the room, the nurse already out the door ahead of him.

Immediately, his family crowded in around him. Lenalee smiled, teary-eyed, clasping his hand and nearly dislodging the blood oxygen monitor from his pointer finger. Tiedoll ruffled his hair—briefly, once Yuu shot him a glare—and then clasped his shoulder. It had to be the aching left one, of course. He tried not to wince, but Tiedoll’s hand disappeared.

“How are you feeling?” He asked.

He tried to make a sound, but only a dry rasp emerged. Clearing his throat, he managed to croak out, “Sore. A little tired.”

“All of which are normal, thankfully.” The voice was unfamiliar, but he felt a jolt of recognition deep in his bones as the man came forward.

“Yuu, this man—Lavi called him…” Tiedoll paused, frowning. “He has yet to introduce himself.” Tiedoll flashed the man an unamused look. Where _was_ Lavi? A quick, wobbly glance of the room proved him to be missing.

He looked back at the man. Dark hair, maybe mid-thirties. Early forties at the latest. Straight posture. Confident. Looking at him as if he’d seen a ghost. Lavi had contacted him?

“Forgive me, my name is Alma Karma,” said the man. Something about that name pierced him right in the chest. He knew it, but he could not place from where. “I met Yuu in Japan many years ago and gave him something of mine. When Lavi contacted me, I had given up hope of ever seeing it again. But that is all resolved now.” It seemed to satisfy Tiedoll slightly, enough that when the doctor returned and asked to speak with him, he left the room with very little fuss. It also helped Yuu identify the man. 

“You’re _that_ doctor,” he said, and it came out a little accusatory. 

The man laughed, however, unoffended. “Yes, I’m _that_ doctor.”

“She said to tell you ‘hello,’” he blurted before he’d even thought of what to say next.

The man recoiled as if stricken. Probably because what Yuu had said made no sense, just another one of his strange hallucinations. Why in the hell had he said it?

The man made a thoughtful noise. “Did she now?” He said, wiping a finger beneath his eyes. For a while, he was silent, but then he smiled. “It’s… good to know she’s still in there somewhere.”

“Who is she?” Yuu asked.

Alma’s eyes drifted over to the couch where a briefcase sat and shook his head. “An old herbal remedy,” he said, “so to speak. Anyway, I’d better get going. I promised I’d stay until you woke, but my flight home is in a few hours.”

He walked over and picked up the briefcase. He sighed as he picked it up, adjusted his shoulders, and took a step toward the door.

“W-wait!” Yuu said. His mind was blank and full at once, shocked and filled with questions. _Old herbal remedy_ his fucking ass.

The man paused, turning to look at him. “I’ve left my email with Lavi. I imagine he will explain a good deal of it. Now is not the time for explanations, though. We will have, I think, a considerable amount of time in which to have those discussions at a later date.” With that, he departed.

Lenalee, who sat on the couch, caught his attention. “Man,” she said with a sigh, “that was _weird_.” Yuu just gaped at her. As if _he_ could explain it.

—

Minutes passed like hours in a steady stream of useless tests, from simple hand-eye coordination exercises to a brief eye exam. Each time Yuu performed a task perfectly, the lead doctor on his case would press his lips together. By the eighth such test, his lips were no longer discernible from the rest of his face, only a line of flesh hinting at a mouth.

Lavi breezed into the room just as the doctor left with bull-like snort that flared his nostrils rather comically.

“You would not _believe_ the line! Some idiot in front of me was ordering for his whole damned department! You’d think he would have ordered catering for the damn meeting, but—”

He cut off, his mouth slack, as he glanced in Yuu’s direction. The carrier fell from his hands. He fumbled with it, almost righting it, but it crashed into the ground anyway, sending coffee spatter everywhere as the contents leaked across the floor.

To his surprise, Lavi let out an enraged howl. “This damn— _useless_ —stupid _fucking EYEBALL!_ ” He shouted, gesticulating wildly before slapping a coffee-coated hand over the left side of his face.

“The coffee!” Lenalee squeaked, and surged forward, righting the cups.

“Now, Lavi, it’s not that bad,” said Tiedoll, going to help Lenalee. “A miracle, really.”

Lavi spat—actually _spat_ —on the tiled floor, right into the expanding pool of coffee. “No, it’s not. It’s infuriating and dizzying and absolutely _counterproductive_.”

“What are you talking about?” Yuu asked, and Lavi did a double-take. Even dripping coffee, his face when it broke into a smile… breathtaking.

In a rush, he was at Yuu’s side, a little off-balance, arms sliding around his neck.

“You’re awake, you’re awake,” he whispered into Yuu’s neck, and Yuu felt a few hot tears splash onto his skin. Or maybe it was the coffee dripping from Lavi’s hair. Lavi sniffed and nuzzled tightly into him. Tears, then. Yuu wrapped his arm as tightly as he could around Lavi, who had to stand on his tiptoes to reach him over the bed’s thick plastic rail.

“Yes,” Yuu whispered into Lavi’s ear, “I’m awake.”

Then, blinking, he pushed the redhead away to hold him at arm’s length. “You’ve got two eyes,” he said.

“Yeah,” said Lavi, scowling and looking away. “Your damn— _flower_ —” he spat the word like a curse, “—fixed it somehow. It’s been no end of trouble. Do you know how _annoying_ depth perception is?”

Yuu chuckled, a dry sound that edged toward a cough. “I’m sure you’ll tell me all about it. At length.”

Lavi’s scowl soured further. But in the next second, it morphed again into joy, and he thrust his head forward to kiss him. What resulted was a clash of teeth and two muffled yelps.

“See?” Lavi said, pulling away, both his eyes watering. He looked so strange without the eyepatch.

Yuu just laughed again and yanked Lavi down to a proper kiss.

When they parted, he looked up to find both Lenalee and Tiedoll absent from the room. Giving them privacy, he hoped, but probably just to get paper towels in bulk. It didn’t matter. For the moment, they were alone. He asked Lavi to grab him his water, which the redhead did, almost tripping over the end of the bed as he moved toward the pitcher. He slopped water over the floor, too, originally missing the lip of the glass.

He returned to Yuu with his left eye screwed shut. Yuu laughed.

“You look ridiculous like that, Rabbit.”

The dark look Lavi shot him shut him up, though.

“Did you talk with Alma?” Lavi asked. “Where is he, anyway?”

“He left a few minutes ago,” said Yuu.

Lavi made a disgruntled noise. “Of course, he did.”

“He said I should email him.”

Lavi deflated. “Please tell me you discussed things. I’ve been so curious about the lotus for _ages_.”

“No,” said Yuu, then paused to drink as Lavi slumped further. “He said we’d have time in the future. Are you alright?”

“Fine,” said Lavi dispiritedly.

“Are you sure?”

The image of blood leaking, dark and hot, past Lizzie’s hands flashed before his eyes.

“Fine. Perfect bill of health. Two eyes now, even.” He scowled at that last. “ _You_ , though,” he added, jabbing Yuu in the chest with his finger—a little too hard, as he hissed in a breath and began to shake out his hand.

“You scared the crap out of everyone with that stunt. And don’t go denying that you didn’t do anything.” He scowled at Yuu again. Yuu, who had opened his mouth, shut it with a click of teeth. He decided to take another sip of his water.

“Alma and I talked after he took that tattoo away about why your lotus failed so badly. He said it wasn’t meant to be shared—especially with such extensive healing needed for us both. Something about it ‘unbalancing its healing energy and creating a deficit,’ whatever he meant by that. He wasn’t exactly forthcoming with details.”

“I’d noticed,” said Yuu dryly.

Lavi chuckled at that, then went back to glaring at him. “Did you know, the lotus wasn’t meant to heal extensive injury in the first place. I mean, sure, a death blow here or there, but many serious wounds at once, split between two? He’s surprised it didn’t kill you immediately.” He folded his arms (which still dripped coffee, Yuu noticed with amusement) and narrowed his eyes accusatorily at Yuu.

But Lavi’s expression broke a few seconds later, and he leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Yuu’s chest as tightly as he could, sprawling out completely into the free space on the bed. He reeked of coffee. His wet clothing began to sop into the blankets. Yuu didn’t care. Lavi was there, and he was alive. And so was he. Yuu wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and just hugged him.

“Don’t _ever_ do that again,” Lavi mumbled into the blanket over Yuu’s chest.

He couldn’t help but chuckle. “I don’t think that will be an issue in the future.”

“Good,” said Lavi. “It had better not.”

“What happened to Jason, though?” He asked, resting his chin against Lavi’s head. “I stabbed him pretty bad in the stomach, but it’s not like I watched him die. I was too worried about you. Is he in treatment here too?”

Lavi shifted so he was looking up at Yuu’s face. It really was bizarre to see him without the eyepatch. “I was going to ask you about him. They only found the blood in the clearing, and the evidence of a pretty extensive struggle, but no sign of him. They thought Lizzie was lying about the attack to cover for one of us, but…”

“He wasn’t going to survive that knife wound,” said Yuu. “I definitely got his bowels. I didn’t really notice it at the time, but I definitely smelled shit. Probably hit his stomach, too. Even if he somehow managed to not bleed to death, the infection or the stomach acid would have gotten him.”

“Maybe,” said Lavi, but he didn’t look convinced.

“Listen, he was curled up dying when I went back to check on you. Even if the police didn’t find anything, I’m sure he’s dead. Or nearly—how long has it been?”

“Days,” said Lavi. “Today is the fifth since the attack.”

Yuu smiled at him. “Then he’s definitely gone by now, one way or another.”

“If you’re sure…”

“I am,” he said, holding Lavi’s eyes. And he was. That didn’t mean he wasn’t worried, though. Regardless of whether Jason had made it away or not, whether he’d survived or not, the Bookmen were still a threat. But he hid that thought from Lavi, ruffling his red hair and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much,” he said.

Lavi’s shoulders relaxed, and he maneuvered so he lay curled comfortably into Yuu’s side. A janitor shuffled in a few minutes later, followed by a nurse, Lenalee, and Tiedoll. As the nurse checked his IV, tutting at them both in the bed, Yuu let himself relax. There was no use worrying about the Bookmen right now. He and Lavi had long ago passed the point of no return with them. What would come would come. To his surprise, his eyes drooped again, and he fell into a light doze.

—

_March 27th_

His head doctor, Yuu had concluded, seemed determined to find something wrong with him. He’d refused to release him until all of the results from every single inane test had come back. Each time another negative came back, the doctor seemed to take it as a personal insult, insisting on yet another batch of useless tests. So far, he’d had four MRIs, two CAT scans, and blood panels too numerous to count. Then there had been a stress test, and an inversion test after that.

Tiedoll might be rich, but even his temporal vein pulsed visibly as the doctor ordered a spinal tap.

“That’s enough,” he said finally. “You have been testing him for days. Everything has come back negative. At this point, you are wasting your resources and mine. Unless you want to foot the bill on your own, you will discharge him and we’ll follow up in a month.”

What followed was an argument-turned-shouting-match that elicited the attention of multiple hospital administrators, eventually leading to a tense but civil conversation between Tiedoll and the Chief of Medicine. Tiedoll returned from the conversation humming, stating that the discharge process had been initiated and they’d be out before the end of the day. Maybe.

Though Lenalee had returned to school once Yuu had awoken on Monday, Lavi had refused to leave his side. It was nice, he thought, to have Lavi with him always. He brought a certain cheer to the room, and Yuu could keep an eye on his safety. He hadn’t forgotten about the Bookmen. Of course, it had the added bonus of creating an amusing new game between Lavi and the nurses, who kept chasing him out of Yuu’s bed. He still hadn’t quite gotten used to having his second eye back—a fact that he cursed at every opportunity—and had been classified as a “major disturbance” who, through various misjudgments of distance, continually kept “putting the equipment at risk.” Yuu, who rolled his eyes each time they cat-and-moused about the room, secretly thought that the chasing was what led to most of the damage.

The sun was already starting to set when a familiar brunette rushed into the room.

“Lizzie?” Lavi said, sitting up abruptly and jarring the IV stand, causing it to tip over and almost rip the needle from Yuu’s arm. Luckily, Lizzie was on the ball, sprinting over to catch it. Okay, Yuu admitted to himself, sometimes Lavi was an outright danger to hospital property.

A little breathless, Lizzie _fwump_ ed down into the chair at Yuu’s bedside. It had been empty since Lavi had vacated it after the nurse had last checked in.

“I was afraid I’d miss visiting hours,” she said, smiling at the two of them. “Class got out later than expected.”

“We didn’t know to expect you,” said Yuu, bemused.

Lizzie chuckled. “Yeah, I was in a bit of a hurry and completely forgot to call ahead.” As she spoke, she removed a manila envelope from her boat-sized purse.

“My father was not pleased with what happened,” she continued. “Don’t worry, Yuu, he doesn’t blame you or your family.”

Yuu settled back into the bed, pressing Lavi’s head back onto his chest.

“Actually, my father commends you for your bravery—those are his words. I told him about how you and Lavi came and saved me. He’s offered to pay both of your hospital bills in full and has called the hospital to arrange that.

“I bet that’s why they were doing so many tests,” Lavi said darkly.

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Lizzie said, waving a hand. “He’s talked with the administrators about that and they’re dropping a bunch of those fees.”

Yuu’s jaw went a little slack. Lizzie giggled, probably at his face.

“It helps that he’s on his way to becoming the Senate Minority Leader. And, you know, that he’s head of one of the Senate’s health committees.”

Yuu had not known that, actually, but Lavi nodded as if this was far from news to him. Of course it wasn’t.

“Anyway, he had me tell him everything about Jason and the attack. He did some digging—you know, a couple inquiries, more than a few formal complaints, that sort of stuff. Turns out he was a Bookman—one of his contacts confirmed it and then, later in the conversation, mentioned she knew you, Lavi.”

They both shot her puzzled expressions.

“A woman named Cloud does a lot of information gathering for the CIA.”

Lavi let off a soft “Ah” and nodded, understanding. Cloud, though? What a weird name. Perhaps he’d misheard.

“My father had a good working relationship with her from when he worked with the CIA after he left the military. She asked him if he perhaps knew anything about you, which of course he didn’t, but when he asked me, I obviously answered yes. So to make a long story short, she made a lot more inquiries, and she and my father both called in a lot of favors and well, here—” She thrust forward the manila envelope.

Lavi grabbed it out of reflex, eyes wide. He opened it while Yuu watched. He retrieved a packet of papers and unfolded them. Yuu read over Lavi’s shoulder

_Dear Former Bookman, Current Designation “Lavi Davidson”,_

_It has come to the attention of our agency that the organization known as the Bookmen (henceforth referred to as the Organization) has committed a breach of the Committee for the Oversight of Organizations: Extra-Governmental’s (COOX) treaty for the Ethical Treatment of Non-Defined Citizens and Sensitive Membership Categories (ETNDC-SMC). As this issue is far from the first from this Organization in this year alone, they have received a formal reprimand and will be subject to stricter oversight. You will shortly receive notification from the Organization recognizing your complete withdrawal from all associated activities, as well as the complete documentation for your reintroduction into society. Acceptance of these documents signals your agreement to keep all knowledge and information pertaining to your involvement completely confidential and the Organization’s forfeiture of all rights to your person and future._

_Questions or concerns can be addressed by contacting any of the agencies listed on the following pages. It is with great pleasure that we welcome you into the United States as a naturalized citizen and productive member of society._

_Yours in Service,_

_Cloud Nine_

_Office for the Committee for the Oversight of Organizations: Extra-Governmental (COOX)_

So her name _was_ Cloud, Yuu thought idly. Lavi flipped through the rest of the papers, scanning them with quick efficiency, one eye closed.

Yuu looked up from the paper. “Is this for real?” He asked Lizzie. “I’ve never heard of this committee before.”

Lizzie opened her mouth to answer, but Lavi sprang up from the bed—again, sending his IV stand askew (Yuu caught it, though)—and snatched something up from his backpack. As the paper fell through the bed, Lavi fiddled with the device and held it to his ear. Ah, it was his phone.

“Cloud? It’s Lavi. Oh, don’t be ridiculous, you know exactly who it is… Yes, she did give me the letter.”

Yuu turned his attention back to Lizzie, who smiled serenely.

“It’s real,” she said, and Yuu found himself grinning wide enough to split his face.

“What about Jason? Did they find anything out about him?” He asked, but she shook her head sadly.

“Dad refused to say anything, but from what I overheard, his contacts refused disclose anything else once they heard the word Bookman.”

“Are they that feared?” Yuu asked.

“They’re known for their extremism in the intelligence gathering community. It also wouldn’t be the first time they’ve… uh… _pressured_ other organizations to keep quiet.”

“Considering their work culture, I’m not surprised.”

Lizzie laughed, then sobered abruptly. “I’m… honestly, I’m just shocked that all of this stuff was happening right under my nose and I never realized. Why didn’t you guys tell me what was going on?” 

“We didn’t want to scare you,” Yuu replied. “You had a lot on your plate, and we weren’t one hundred percent sure about Jason. And even if we had been, I don’t think Lavi wanted it to be common knowledge.”

She gave him a look. “Listen, I don’t just mean about him. Lavi is my friend as well. I’d have liked to help sooner. Maybe it would have stopped this from even happening. It’s really nice to have connections, you know?” She laughed then. “After all, apparently my Dad still knows a lot of important high ups. No wonder he was sure there was a Bookman detailing his affairs.”

“So, he seems pretty confident that they’ll leave everyone involved alone?”

“Yeah. He was assured repeatedly by the Bookmen themselves that this wouldn’t happen again. He was really angry… something about it reminding him of child soldiers or something. He might even make it a talking point on his campaign.” She grimaced, but they both broke out into quiet laughter.

Lavi hung up the phone and plopped back down onto the bed. “She said it was the real deal,” he said. His voice had a dazed quality about it. “She’s apparently been waiting for an opportunity to tighten restrictions. She promised that once I get that paperwork from them, I won’t hear anything else from them. I might actually be free of them.” He let out a small laugh. Yuu wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him back so he was resting against his chest.

But as the three of them laughed together, everything seemed abruptly much brighter, like the world was preparing to give them back control over their lives. As a nurse finally came in to unhook him from the IV, he looked down at his other, tattoo-free arm, the last great reminder of pain and torment finally gone from his life.

Lavi was not the only one who had been handed back his future that day.

—

A/N: The reason that the security guards forgot about the chair they put in front of the door is completely, unapologetically because we didn’t want to derail the story. And also because we were running up on the deadline of getting this out yesterday (which lol, didn’t happen—so sorry!). However, the doctors and nurses would have arrived too quickly otherwise. This chapter turned out to be 39 pages. It’s a new record! 15807 words. Holy shit. 

Short epilogue to follow. Thanks for bearing with us all these years, friends! :)


	26. Epilogue: Hope

Epilogue — Hope

Hope is a thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings a tune — without the words, and never stops at all, 

And the sweetest in the gale is heard; And sore must be the storm that could abash the little bird, that kept so many warm. 

I’ve heard it in the chillest land, and on the strangest sea; yet, never, in extremity, it asked a crumb of me. — Emily Dickinson 

_May 14th_

“I really hate to be leaving this place,” said Lavi as he nestled the last of his books into a cardboard box. He looked fondly around the room. Yuu’s side was nearly bare. He’d been much more on top of the whole packing thing. The last of his decorations had been pulled from the wall the night before, and even the mess beneath his covers had been organized and put away.

Though he’d cleared out his closet, desk, and now his books, his decorations still remained on the wall. Over the second half of the semester, he had slowly filled the wall with pictures. His corkboard had drowned out of sight from the sheer number of them all, but Lavi could tell where it was, as all his favorite pictures hung from it. His current favorite, one of all of them with their skis and winter clothes posing on the front porch of the timeshare cabin, was pinned in a place of honor at the very center. They’d gotten out a rusty old tripod, and Lenalee had shouted orders at them until everything was aligned perfectly. Allen was trying to give Yuu rabbit ears, but he was just too short, even on tiptoes. His face showed strain like someone trying to shit on command, but that was probably because Yuu had elbowed him in the stomach. He’d then wrapped an arm around Lavi’s shoulders like nothing had happened. The flash had gone off just as Lavi sank into the embrace.

“I can tell,” said Yuu, gesturing at pile upon pile of Lavi’s things. Lavi stuck his tongue out. “Hurry up. Tiedoll wants us out before the afternoon rush.”

“You could help, you know.”

“I could…” he replied in a way that made it clear he wouldn’t.

“Next thing I know, you’ll be calling it ‘character building,’” Lavi muttered. Yuu guffawed.

“I’ll help in a bit. _Some_ of us have a final this morning.”

“Oh, please, you’re going to ace that. _I_ helped you study for it.”

“Not all of us have perfect memories,” Yuu said, frowning down at his textbook. It was the first time in the entire year that Lavi had seen him use his desk.

“Considering how much I drilled you on it, your preparation was more than exceptional. Stop worrying about it. You’ll blank.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Yuu said. Lavi walked over to their mini-fridge and grabbed a banana. He missed Yuu by nearly two feet, but it at least smacked into the wall and fell onto Yuu’s desk.

“Damn this stupid eye to hell,” Lavi growled.

“What the hell, Lavi?”

“Bananas help with nerves,” he said, turning back to his wall of pictures. With caution, he began peeling them away from the wall. On those that retained stickiness from the tape that held most of them up, he pressed a small square of parchment paper. Most were fine, but some that had been placed on the wall with sticky-tack had to go into the bin. Lavi wrote those down (he’d catalogued them all by number) so he could get them reprinted.

Yuu never understood why he insisted on printing out all of these pictures, and Lavi had never been able to explain it well enough. There was something about having a physical copy of these memories. Of course, he could always look at them on his computer, but in that form, they were only data, easily erased, quickly forgotten. Having something he could hold in his hand reminded him in a visceral manner of all that had occurred during the course of the school year, reminded him that it had all been real.

It was strange, now, thinking back to those months and remembering how easily everything had changed. He’d been so desperate to be on his own. At the time, he’d thought it had to do with eagerness to end his apprenticeship, but now he thought perhaps he’d been unconsciously searching for a way out. In a way, he’d been drowning, unable or afraid to take a breath for fear of reprisal.

Meeting Yuu had been like someone throwing him a life jacket as he drowned in a stormy ocean. It had been his first full breath of air for as long as he could remember—since before the fire that had killed his parents, probably.

Or maybe Yuu had been a hand reaching out in a darkness he hadn’t realized he was wandering through, ushering him, guiding him back to the light, back to life. He smiled to himself. He was being silly and “badly poetic,” as Yuu would put it. As if Lavi didn’t notice him smiling when he thought Lavi had looked away.

That fluttery feeling in his stomach returned in full force. It had been doing that a lot lately. Sometimes, it made him feel like he was floating. Perhaps the life jacket simile had been accurate after all.

He waved as Yuu left the room, banana in hand, a few minutes later. “Good luck!” He called as Yuu closed the door. He heard a tiny chuckle from the hallway.

With Yuu (and therefore all distractions) gone, Lavi made good time of stripping his living space bare. He worked industriously for a good hour until all he had left to do was pack up some knick-knacks (he had _knick-knacks_ now—and not just to look normal!), remove his bedding, and sulk until Yuu got back.

A knock came at the door. It was the RA.

“Hey,” said Lavi.

“Hi there. This came for you, but the envelope’s too thick to fit in your mailbox. The packaging center sent it here, though, so, uh… here you are.”

The RA shoved the package into his hands, a thick manila envelope, doubled over and secured with layer after layer of clear packaging tape.

“Thanks,” said Lavi.

“No prob.” The RA turned and walked down the hallway, raising an arm to wave. “Have a good summer!”

Smiling, Lavi closed the door and returned to his bed. _Shit_ , he’d packed his scissors, and Yuu’s were… well, to be honest, he’d never known where Yuu kept his scissors anyway. He caught sight of Mugen leaning against the duffle of gear at the foot of Yuu’s bed.

Yuu would kill him.

Oh well. He’d apologize with kisses.

The blade’s sharp edge cut through the tape easily. Lavi replaced it with care to the exact spot he’d grabbed it from—though he did have trouble sheathing it again, eventually having to do it by touch. His stupid left eye would be the end of him. Everyone talked about how it was such a miracle, how happy he must be to have its use again.

But Lavi hated it. He’d lost his eye fair and square. He’d dealt with it. He’d worked through the anger and sense of loss, the reality of having to relearn how to see and move in the world. The constant stress headaches if he read for too long. The ways he had to turn his head. Now he’d turn his head to see, only to be assaulted by a barrage of moving images. It was a daily struggle to keep the nausea from becoming vomit. He’d rebuilt his core identity, the tiniest kernel of self the Bookmen had allowed, on the basis of one eye, on the premise that he would have to work twice as hard as any other apprentice to observe. And he had done it.

And now, just as abruptly, that had been taken from him. He didn’t know how to deal with it.

His heart pounded as he slid the envelope’s contents onto his bed. A manila folder, bent in a U around a slim four-by-six box, landed with a muted _plop_ on the mattress. He removed the rubber bands that connected folder to box and opened it.

The first document was a letter to him from the Bookmen, a simple statement confirming his cutting of ties with the organization and a written notice stating that he would receive no further communications from them, that they were relinquishing all rights and responsibilities of his care to himself. They explicitly stated that they no longer considered him a member of their organization, thus freeing him from all binding agreements made during his service with him, save for confidentiality.

There it was. A statement declaring his freedom, as sacred to him as his own life. His hands shook as he turned to the next document.

Unlike the previous letters, this document spanned forty pages, all in dense legalese. It contained a non-disclosure form, along with various confidentiality statements. It also informed him that since they had erased his former identity, it was easier to use his last designation for his new one, though they had—very kindly, in their estimation—included his original birth and death certificates. How thoughtful. On the last page, there was space for yet another (he’d counted 18 thus far) signature, this last one agreeing to the separation with the Bookmen.

In the small box, he found a social security card, a Massachusetts state ID, an American passport, and a birth certificate under his new name, all freshly minted, as well as the promised originals of his birth and death certificates. He glanced at the latter with a sense of surreal amusement. He thought he might frame it to hang in his house, once he graduated and bought one.

Not knowing what else to do with them, he tucked everything except the ID into his backpack. He’d sign the non-disclosure forms once he’d had a chance to look over it with Tiedoll’s lawyer. Then, getting out his wallet, he slid the ID into place under the plastic. They’d used the same picture as on his college ID. He smiled ruefully, shaking his head, not wanting to know how they had managed that.

His heart felt lighter than it had since Christmas. It was really happening. He was done with the Bookmen, and now, _finally_ , the Bookmen were done with him. He’d never taken much stock in the concept of hope before, but he couldn’t deny that as the weeks since spring break passed, the feeling had grown stronger and stronger. Now, he thought he might burst with it. If this was true happiness, he was glad to finally know it.

Yuu returned, back straight, arrogant grin on his face.

“It went well?” Lavi asked.

“Of course it did,” said Yuu. “You helped me study.”

“Really? Not the banana?” Lavi asked airily.

Yuu chuckled. “That too.”

He ran over and threw his arms around Yuu’s neck. They held each other tightly, Yuu’s arms coming around his waist and squeezing him.

There had been no noticeable side effects from the removal of the lotus—well, none beyond Yuu’s rather high estimation of what his body could take without the enhanced healing. He’d bruised his arm when Daisya had jumped on him during a weekend visit home back in April. All that weekend, and for the full week that followed, he had complained—actually _complained_ —about the inconvenience. Lavi had laughed (the first few times), kissing him on the cheek, and told him, “welcome to mortality.” That had earned him a glare, soon followed by a peck on the lips.

He smiled into Yuu’s neck.

“I’m glad you’re back,” he said. “Look what came while you were out.” He waved toward the documents on his bed. Yuu peeled away to take a look.

“Looks like it’s all over, then,” he said, laying a hand on Lavi’s shoulder.

“Looks like it,” said Lavi. And with no sign of Jason or any other suspicious activity since that night, this would spell the end of the whole affair. That extreme lightness hit Lavi again. “Glad they got to it before the semester ended.”

“It’s not like they don’t know where you’ll be this summer,” said Yuu. Lavi whacked him lightly on the shoulder.

“Watch it, I’ll bruise,” said Yuu in mock-reproach.

“Yes, poor fragile Yuu-chan,” said Lavi, grinning like a fool. Yuu pulled him back into his arms, tackling him with kisses everywhere. His hand moved down along Lavi’s back before making a sudden grab at his ass. Lavi squealed, and the two of them fell to the floor.

It would have gone further, Lavi thought, except Yuu’s phone rang. It was his Tiedoll tone—accordion music of some indeterminate folky European style. Sighing, Yuu pulled out his phone.

“You here?” He asked. A pause. Then, “Alright, we’ll be ready when you are.” He ended the call before Tiedoll could continue speaking, and he slid out from underneath Lavi.

“Come on, Rabbit,” he said, tweaking Lavi’s nose, “let’s get your packing done. Tiedoll will be here in about an hour. Well, he says twenty, but what with traffic, my guess is it’ll be closer to an hour.”

He helped Lavi up, and they embraced before gathering the last of his things.

Tiedoll had insisted Lavi stay with them. He collected people like most others collected rocks or those weird, tiny spoons from tourist attractions. But Lavi hadn’t protested. He had nowhere else to go, and no money to go nowhere on. Actually, he was really looking forward to it. A whole summer with Yuu.

A whole summer with his family.

Before he knew it, they’d finished packing, he and Yuu had finished cleaning the room—including a sticky patch of tiles between the mini-fridge and Yuu’s bed, the origin of which neither of them could actually remember—and all their boxes had been loaded into Tiedoll’s SUV. They stood outside room 117, probaby for the last time, Lavi with his hand on the door, sighing.

It was similar to the feeling he had when he had been forced to change personas, or when he had finished a particularly detailed log book. He’d never been able to pinpoint the feeling before, stunted as he’d been, but he recognized it now. Nostalgia.

Nostalgic for the time spent in their little home, for the personal growth that had occurred within. Nervous for what lay ahead.

Tiedoll went out to get the car started. Yuu did one last sweep of the room, and Lavi followed with his keen eye. He had to close the left one when he wanted to concentrate on what he was seeing. Yuu told him he’d get used to the second eye in time, but Lavi didn’t believe him. What had been trained under the Bookmen could not be reproduced so easily. Probably. Maybe he would try.

At last, they locked the door for the last time and departed.

People rushed by with boxes, frantically coordinating in shouts, trying to load everything before it became unmanageably busy. Yuu took Lavi’s hand as they braved the crowd.

“I’m a little sad to leave,” Lavi said as they set their keys down on the table manned by the RAs.

“Me too,” said Yuu as they left the hall. “Though after everything that happened this year, I’m also really glad it’s over.”

Lavi laughed. “Yeah, I get that.”

“Everything’s changed so much since I first walked into that room.”

They passed Lizzie, who waved as they walked by. She was surrounded by people, including her senator father and his security detail. Her mother was busy yelling at someone—was that a hired mover?—for wrinkling something while they loaded a half-size U-Haul truck. Lavi didn’t think anyone could have _quite_ that much stuff, but he shrugged, waving back.

They ended up stuck behind someone who had blocked the sidewalk with several suitcases, a TV, more boxes than looked like would fit into a triple, and what looked like a whole fleet of two wheelers, each manned by progressively more drunk frat boys. Lavi and Yuu ended up darting through traffic around the whole affair.

“You know,” Yuu said softly as they stepped back onto the sidewalk, “when we first met, I hated how cheerful you were.

Lavi paused, waited for him to continue talking. They were in no rush. Tiedoll had had to park his van in a lot three blocks from the dorm. He’d severely underestimated the traffic, and by the time he had arrived, two hours past his original estimate, no parking had been available in the zoo that was this part of campus.

“It took me a long time to understand you. I didn’t, at first—understand, I mean; I was so wrapped up in trying to keep my head above water that everything you did seemed so effortless. I was envious, I think, of how you would constantly come off as happy, cheerful… so vibrantly _alive_.”

Lavi squeezed his hand. Yuu smiled, a little pained, but continued.

“And because I envied you, I resented you for it. I wanted _so badly_ to blend in like you did, and I _hated_ that I couldn’t. Each time I cut myself or had trouble getting out of bed for class, I’d look over at you and see how _easy_ you had it, and I hated you for it. I hated _myself_ for it.”

“I wasn’t happy, though,” said Lavi, reaching over and taking his other hand so they were facing one another.

Yuu’s smile turned rueful.

“Yeah, I realized that pretty quickly. I’m not sure when, but fairly early on, I realized it was just an act, that you were fighting as hard as I was.”

Neither of them had ever put that sentiment into words.

“You know, I was the same way,” Lavi said. “I think, deep down, I resented how genuine you were.”

Yuu snorted. “Genuine? Hardly.”

“You were, though,” said Lavi. “You always showed how you felt, even if how you felt was usually angry or annoyed or sad. I was jealous, I suppose you could say, that you could be who you were.”

“If you say so,” said Yuu. He didn’t roll his eyes, but Lavi could sense it in his tone. He kissed him lightly. When they parted, Yuu spoke again.

“I don’t know where I’d be if you hadn’t forced me to confront it. Looking back at it now, it really feels like you were the one who saved me.”

Lavi stared at him, speechless. The very concept was so absurd, he couldn’t stop the laugh that burst from his mouth.

“What?” Yuu asked, drawing back.

“Nothing,” he said, gasping a little as he tried to regain control of himself. “It’s just… it’s just that I’ve spent this entire time knowing that you saved me. It just seems a little ridiculous to think of it in the reverse.”

“Well, it’s true,” Yuu grumbled, looking down, a blush tinting his cheeks.

Lavi laughed, this time in joy. Yuu shot him a glare, but Lavi said, “I love you.”

Yuu smiled, a bright smile that lit his whole face.

Dropping Lavi’s hands, he began to walk again. Lavi stood there for a moment, stunned. He’d never seen such a radiant, unguarded expression on his boyfriend before. Then, smiling, he took off after him, running a few paces to catch up, grabbing his arm as he did. In the distance, Tiedoll waved at them, and they sped up, no longer afraid of what future was set out before them.

—

A/N: That’s all, folks! :) Despite what the hiatus might imply, we really enjoyed writing this and sharing it with you. Thanks for all your support over the years. =^__^=


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